Trigger Warning: reference to past child abuse and domestic abuse

Magna's body was tense against hers. The tensest it had been since they'd first collapsed onto this mattress - barring the moments when they'd been caught up in undressing each other, but that was a different kind of tension entirely. One she sorely regretted the loss of now. Yumiko wondered how long it would be before they were able to return to it. If they were able to.

Yumiko knew that her words tonight had confirmed one of Magna's long-held fears. That she would only ever bring darkness to her life. That she wasn't good enough. Would never be good enough. That she was dangerous.

That Yumiko would be better off without her. Had always been better off without her.

It hadn't been her intention. To give kindling to a belief that she had never believed herself - still didn't. But it had also been unavoidable.

Magna was right. Yumiko had needed to say those things. And Magna had needed to hear them.

But still, it was going to take her time to work through them. To recover.

Yumiko would help her if she could. But she honestly didn't think there was anything she could say. Anything that hadn't already been said. This was an old battle of Magna's, well worn, and the very fact that it continued to wage spoke of just how little power her words had to call a ceasefire.

So for now, all Yumiko could do was give her time - and hope this didn't eat away at her in the process. Eat away at the love between them.

'I'm in.'

She had to believe that. Had to hold onto it. Hold onto the conviction that had welded those words together, burning in Magna's eyes.

The way forward might not be smooth, but she had to believe that she wasn't the only one determined to sail it. To do everything possible to keep from going off course. Or sinking entirely.

Magna's hand, still pressed against her cheek, helped with that.

('I don't want to be like them.')

Yumiko tried not to feel guilty. Tried not to fall back into that mindset she'd become trapped in so often during her relationship with Nicole. The one that would spring up around her after an argument. After she'd said her piece. Defended herself.

That mindset had been entirely of Nicole's making. Yumiko's guilt hadn't been natural - nor deserved - but something Nicole had planted the seeds for, forced to grow. She'd been so good at twisting things. Turning black into white. Hot into cold.

This wasn't like that. This was nothing like that.

And she knew Magna would be the first to tell her that she had nothing to feel guilty about. That she'd done the right thing.

And she had. Yumiko believed she had. She'd done the right thing and she didn't regret it.

But it was difficult not to fall back into old habits. To not feel those poisonous seeds sprouting anew.

Yumiko took a breath. Stopped them from taking root.

"Don't."

She blinked at the command. "What?"

Magna's eyes were knowing. "Feel guilty for telling the truth. . . I'm a big girl, I can handle it. I deserve to handle it."

Maybe.

But there was a difference between handling the truth and being ripped apart by it. The defeat that had swam in Magna's eyes, the fear, still pressed sharp in her memory.

Yumiko had wanted her to understand. She'd needed her to understand. And she'd needed the apology that came after even more.

But she hadn't wanted to hurt her.

That had never been the goal.

Though, knowing what Yumiko did, it was difficult to think of a way that she could have made Magna understand without hurting her.

She wet her lips. "I don't want you to think you're like them."

"What I think is on me, not you. It's my responsibility. And the truth is, Miko, I think a lot of bullshit. A lot of the time. Probably always will. But none of it's on you." Magna's thumb smoothed across her cheek. "I won't lie to you and say that understanding what I did to you hasn't fed some old fears. But it's on me to starve them - not you. And I will. . . it's just going to take some time." She reached out, cupping the back of Yumiko's head, by her nape. The hold firm. Secure. "Never feel guilty about this. Never second guess it. If I feel fucked up about it, I feel fucked up about it. Boohoo. I'll get over it."

"Will you?"

She hadn't meant to let the question slip. But it had been there. Inside her. Burrowing deep.

Magna bit her lip, worrying the flesh - before she looked down. "I'll have to."

"Magna-"

"I'll have to," she said, more firmly. Her eyes were back now, hard and unyielding. "My dad used to make my mum feel guilty for speaking up. I'm guessing that Nicole did that too." That was the problem with giving Magna pieces of her past. She put them together far too easily. "You don't want me to feel like them? Then don't feel guilty about this."

Yumiko's mouth drew up faintly. "Your arguments have improved since we first met."

It had always amused her how, as much as Magna loved to argue. . . she wasn't very good at it. All her words only ever tended to escalate a conflict and rarely awarded a victory.

Magna smiled, though it was dim. "You're easy to argue for." The gentle graze of her thumb against her skin was the most reassuring sensation in the world and Yumiko felt herself ease with every brush. "And, you know, my best friend is a lawyer. A pretty damn good one. It was about time I picked up a thing or two."

Yumiko squeezed her hand, feeling the answering pressure against her cheek.

It was a sign of just how much things had been stirred up. That she'd lost the firmness and conviction that she usually had when holding people accountable for their actions, when holding Magna accountable.

Three months ago she wouldn't have reacted like this.

Felt like this.

(Wouldn't have felt so frail)

Yumiko closed her eyes,

It was crushing. That even after all this time, Nicole still had so much power over her. Yumiko wondered whether she always would. Whether this would always be her life.

She sighed, touching her forehead.

"Hey." Magna frowned, the hand on the back of her neck moving down to grip her arm. "You okay?"

"It's just. . . been a long few months."

To put it mildly.

Magna squeezed her elbow. "I'll say."

"And I guess I just feel. . . off."

That was the simplest way of putting it. Yumiko didn't feel like herself. The fact that it was Halloween didn't help. That had always made things worse. Her many conversations with Tomi tonight had only compounded the issue.

And with everything they'd just talked about. . .

"Yeah," Magna murmured, and she felt another squeeze. "Me too."

She placed her hand on Magna's. Gave it her own squeeze, accompanied by a half-hearted smile.

The past had been stirred up for both of them. In many different ways. And that was without getting into everything that had happened with the cave and their relocation to the Commonwealth. A place that seemed all but designed to remind them of the lives they thought they'd left behind.

"I'm sorry."

Yumiko took a breath. "Magna, you don't have to keep-"

"No, not for that. I mean, I'm sorry for that too, you know I am, but that's not what I'm sorry for right now." She paused. "You were right. I was running. After I told you I'd stopped."

"You admitting that I was right about something?" Yumiko raised a brow, tried not to feel how forced the action felt. "That's twice in one night now. You feeling okay?"

She smiled, the expression just as strained. "Don't get used to it."

"I don't know. I think I really could - and I'm still going to need it in writing."

For prosperity.

Magna's smile strengthened a little, then faded. She bit her lip a moment before opening her mouth. "I was running. . . I'm glad you didn't let me. Glad you've always stopped me."

"A lot of the time you've stopped yourself. If you really put your mind to it, I know that there's nothing I could say that could keep you here. If you really put your mind to it, you'd go. Something's always held you back, though."

"Yeah. . . You. You've always held me back. . . You're not the easiest person to run from, Yumiko. In fact, it turns out it can be fucking impossible."

She smiled, slowly, the expression rising to her eyes. "You don't sound too happy about that."

"Well, it's fucking annoying." Magna huffed, before the false irritation faded. "But I wouldn't say I'm not happy about it. Wouldn't say I'm not grateful."

"Grateful?"

"That you always make me stay. . . I know that if it wasn't for you, I would have fucked things up beyond repair for us a long time ago. . . I appreciate it, you know? That you've never held it against me. The running. That you've always let me come back."

"I always will." She'd always let Magna come back. She'd always welcome her back. Yumiko hesitated. "Though, I'd prefer not to have to."

They were trying to be more honest, after all.

"I know." She smiled weakly. "I'm working on it."

Yumiko returned the smile, equally weak, and stroked her cheek. "Well. . . you're here now. That's a start. You didn't run."

"Give it time."

It was a joke but it fell flat.

Magna winced the moment it landed between them but didn't attempt to cover it up, bury it beneath a lighter statement. Probably because there was more truth in those words than either one of them would like to admit.

Yumiko searched around for something to lighten the mood, to recapture the easiness of before, the kind that she'd been so scared to risk breaking when she'd started the conversation about that night. When her gaze landed once more on Magna's face, she found her solution. "You know. . . your nose is a little red." Yumiko pretended to peer closer, inspecting the slight tinge. "I saw you having trouble with those flowers. Want me to get some allergy medicine off Tomi?"

If it wasn't her imagination, Magna's nose took on an even deeper hue. At the same time, she felt some of the tension fade from her form.

"For the last time, I don't have an allergy."

"What's this then?" Yumiko tweaked her nose.

Magna shoved her away, glaring. "Ran into a wall."

Yumiko raised a brow. "Really? You'd rather have me believe that than just admit that you're allergic to flowers."

"I'm not allergic to flowers," she hissed, the redness spreading to her cheeks.

Uh huh.

"What's so bad about it?"

"They're flowers." Magna said, not unlike the time one of Yumiko's classmates in law school had responded to the suggestion that he take a bubble bath to unwind. Apparently, bubble baths were reserved for women and children only. "It would ruin my reputation."

"But people thinking you have the spatial awareness of a drunken toddler wouldn't?"

"My spatial awareness being shit is a well-known fact. Just ask my school nurse."

Yumiko's mouth pursed, knowing exactly what she was implying - and why the nurse might have been led to think that - before forcing the disquieting thought from her head. "Just let me bring you some antihistamines. I'll even get the ones that help you sleep."

For a moment, Magna looked tempted. "My sleep's fine."

"Oh, come on. When in your life has your sleep ever been fine?"

Her nose scrunched up. "In the womb?"

Yumiko snorted.

"Although mum said I never stopped kicking her so. . . maybe not."

"Insomniac from conception?"

Her mouth turned up. "Seems like it."

Yumiko narrowed her eyes. "Don't look so proud. It's not a virtue."

Magna's grin widened and that-

That was what she'd been looking for, trying for. When she'd started this ridiculous discussion. That grin. That lightness. A return to the mood of before, before they'd talked about what happened. Opening the doorway to all the hurt between them.

She was relieved to find that earlier lightness was still possible to return to. That she hadn't ruined the night completely by drenching up hard truths.

Magna no longer felt stiff against her, either, and Yumiko smiled, shifting closer. Her icy skin immediately cried out in relief as it settled against Magna's, absorbing her warmth. Few things had ever felt so good.

"Really? Because I've been told I'm very virtuous." A hand slithered around her waist, drawing her closer. Though there was barely any space left to fill.

Yumiko bit her lip, fighting against the strength of her grin. "I wouldn't say that's been my experience."

"Oh? What would you say has been your experience?" If possible, Magna's smirk grew even more pronounced, a devilish gleam in her eyes as her hand smoothed over the surface of her back. . . before venturing lower. And lower.

Yumiko bit her tongue as it swept over her arse. Scowling, and hoping the sudden rush of heat didn't show in her cheeks, she flipped onto her back, trapping Magna's hand beneath her - and promptly putting an end to her salacious adventure.

Magna frowned, looking thoroughly put out by this turn of events. "Miko."

It was only faint, but her lips turned up at the detectable whine. "Behave."

She huffed, extracting her hand with a little effort. "You've been saying that to me all night."

"You've been making me say it to you all night."

"Can't help it." Magna shifted closer, bottom lip caught between her teeth as her gaze swept over Yumiko's body - or what could be seen of it outside the sheets. "Missed touching you."

Snorting, she leant in, noting the momentary widening of Magna's eyes before their lips met in a brief kiss. "You're not alone in that."

Magna raised a brow as they separated. "You missed touching yourself too?"

Yumiko glared at her insinuating look, the cheek in her eyes, but couldn't help the amusement that came to fill her own. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"I would. I really would."

Her voice was so ridiculously serious - and eager - that Yumiko couldn't do anything but laugh. "We'll see. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Mm, did you miss touching yourself?" Her heart beat a little faster at the question, heat blooming under her skin. They were treading dangerous ground with this.

(Yumiko couldn't find it within herself to care)

Magna pretended to consider it. "Nope. Can't say I did. . . actually had a lot of memories to help out in that respect. A lot of. . . rich experience to draw from. See me through - and there were a lot of nights I needed a little something to see me through." Magna's eyes twinkled. "Should I tell you about them?" She ran a finger over Yumiko's collarbone, down her chest, the touch teasing a trail of goosebumps to rise and follow. "Or maybe even give a demonstration? I know you're a stickler for details. Always like to be fully informed. So you can build a. . . proper picture."

Sonja had been right when she'd once jokingly called Magna a menace to society. Because, God.

Yumiko swallowed.

They were definitely treading dangerous ground. And the further they walked it, the less likely it was that she'd be able to make her feet come to a halt. Turn back. The less likely it was that she would want to.

"Tempting. . . but I think I'll pass."

"Shame."

Wasn't it?

Sometimes, she really was her own worst enemy.

Yumiko huffed out her frustration (more than a little of it sexual). "You're a fucking menace."

Magna's smirk brightened. She couldn't have looked any more proud of herself if she tried.

Yep. Definitely a menace.

Trying to ignore the throbbing heat at her core, Yumiko deftly changed the subject. For the good of her sanity. "As long as you're making apologies, though, there is something I've been meaning to address with you."

"Okay." The playfulness in Magna's eyes evaporated, wariness taking its place.

"Hannibal."

"Hannibal?"

"Yes. Hannibal."

Magna frowned, speechlessness overtaking her a moment. "Miko, I'm all for owning my shit, but I draw the line at taking responsibility for the crimes of a fictional serial killer. . . also I was two. Or, well, technically not even born yet if we're going by the book."

Her eye twitched. "You corrupted my parrot."

The furrow to Magna's brow remained a moment, before evening out. "Oh, that Hannibal."

"Yes, that Hannibal."

Hannibal. Her beloved adopted parrot, whose name she had not chosen, and the only one of her pets that Magna had ever granted the time of day. The cats were plotting against her and the dogs were ticking time bombs waiting to go off - or so she claimed. The tortoises were slow enough not to be a threat but were also 'boring as dirt'.

So. . . Hannibal.

(the two had made for an odd - and somewhat worrisome - pairing)

"Corrupt is such a strong word."

"I can use stronger."

Much stronger.

"I was simply expanding his vocabulary."

"You taught him to swear."

"Only one word." She held up a finger. "And we both know I know a hell of a lot more than that."

Yumiko stared.

"It was motherfucker."

"But still only one word," Magna's finger shot towards the ceiling. "Really, you should be grateful. Just think of some of the other things I could have taught him. That was actually rather tame. For me, anyway."

Not untrue. By any stretch of the imagination.

But Yumiko still refused to budge on this. And for good reason. "I had to explain to my mother why my parrot was shouting out motherfucker every time she entered my home."

Magna bit her lip - and Yumiko knew, with that one small break in defense, she'd won.

"I mean. . ." she looked up at her through dark lashes, "oops?"

"Oops is right." Yumiko snorted. "You're lucky she had a sense of humor."

They both were, really. That situation could have proved to be an absolute day in hell for her otherwise, rather than just a brief thirty-minute stint.

"In my defense, I was training him to say that every time Sonja walked through the door, not your mum. . . I guess he got a little overenthusiastic."

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for reminding me why I didn't want you to take the stand during your trial. Saying my mother was collateral damage in your attempt to torment my best friend isn't any better. Might possibly even be worse."

Magna frowned. "I thought I was your best friend?"

"Really? That's your takeaway?"

"Well, it's a pretty big takeaway," she shot back, looking minorly distressed. "You just shattered my worldview."

Shaking her head on a smile, she took a moment before reaching out to cup Magna's face. "Fine. It was a slip of the tongue. You know you're my best friend. Always have been."

Magna failed to look entirely reassured. Narrowing her eyes, she held up a finger. "Pinky swear."

"We're not in elementary school, Magna."

"I'm never having sex with you again unless you pinky swear."

We really have to stop using sex as a bargaining chip. It's much too powerful.

"Fine." Rolling her eyes, Yumiko raised her hand, interlocking their fingers together and giving a half-hearted tug. "Happy?"

Magna grinned. "The happiest."

"Mmhm. Don't think that I didn't notice you just dodged the charges I was laying out against you about my parrot."

She looked caught, proving that the ploy had been entirely intentional. Magna was nothing if not a master at distractions. "Sorry?"

"Mmm."

"In my defence, I feel like the Motherfucker lessons were a great bonding experience. Really brought us closer together. And you're the one who always said you wanted me to get along better with your homemade zoo."

Damnit, she was right.

Well, not about the zoo part.

(So, she'd had a lot of pets? That in no way amounted to a homemade zoo. Magna just loved to exaggerate)

But she was right that Yumiko had often pestered her to try and make nice with those pets. Considering she had to share their space half the time, it seemed only practical. And Hannibal had been the only one that Magna had developed a cordial - and possibly even amiable - relationship with.

"That's a better defense," Yumiko allowed.

Magna brightened, a hint of pride filling her gaze. "Really?"

"Mm. Don't run it into the ground, though. I'm still pissed at you for leading my parrot down the path of sin. He used to be such a polite little chap."

Magna side-eyed her. "He took a crap on my hair during the first week I stayed with you."

"An overenthusiastic greeting."

"And he kept stealing my cigarettes."

"Looking out for your health."

Bless him.

"He tried to turn my hair into a nest!"

"So that he would have a comfortable place to rest in order to spend more time with you."

Magna stared.

Yumiko smiled, working to keep her expression innocent even as laughter swelled in her chest.

After a moment, Magna huffed, flopping back down onto the mattress. "I hate your goddamn pets."

"Mm, I suspect towards the end there the feeling was entirely mutual."

At least in Popcorn's case.

None of her pets had been stupid, or oblivious. And the negative vibes Magna had been giving off in their presence could have been felt from Norway. Whilst Yumiko doubted that they'd hated her, they'd certainly been made uneasy in her company, as anyone would be when confronted with a strange new interloper who spent a great deal of time eyeing them as though they were demons sent down to earth by the devil himself.

"Probably," Magna grunted, wriggling closer.

Yumiko couldn't help the faint smile that rose on her face as their bodies came together, Magna's skin sealing to hers, filling her with warmth. She had half a mind to never let her go, never let distance come between them again.

"You know, you don't usually talk about them," Magna murmured, once her head had settled on Yumiko's shoulder. "Your pets."

She let out a slow breath. "It's not something I find it easy to do. To be honest, I still haven't really come to terms with it. I lost people that I loved. But no one who was completely and utterly dependent on me. They were." And each and every one of them had helped her when she'd needed it, helped her get through some of her worst moments. But on the night they'd needed her, needed her more than ever. . . "I still can't bear to think about it most days. Still feel like I failed them. And I did." She'd locked them inside her apartment at the end of a work day and set off to visit her best friend at a truck stop. Had never returned. Never- "I don't know what I wish for more. That some sicko got in there and tore them all to pieces, or that they died slowly of dehydration. Either way, they would have suffered. Horribly."

Perhaps it was a silly thing to struggle so much with. Given what had happened to actual living, breathing human beings. The friends and family members who had been lost. Her mum. Sonja. Sam. So many nieces and nephews. Cousins. Aunts and uncles.

But she'd loved her pets every bit as much as she'd loved her friends and family. Opened her heart up to them in ways she'd always struggled to do with people. Had held their lives in her hands, their wellbeings, and instead of honoring that privilege, keeping them safe, she'd abandoned them.

It was just another reason she didn't think she could ever have kids. She didn't know how Rosita, Jerry and Aaron did it. How they coped with the weight of such unbearable responsibility. The knowledge that you could fail. Fail so easily. In a heartbeat.

And if that happened. . . the understanding that you would never truly recover. That it very well might destroy you. Bury you alive, with no hope of ever clawing your way free.

Why did anyone choose to have children when the stakes were so high?

Yumiko considered herself a strong person. Even before the Apocolypse, she'd been forced to find a strength within herself that not many ever had to reach for. And she was self-aware enough to recognize that.

She considered herself to be a strong person.

But strong enough to have a child? To bring something so fragile into the world, something that could tear your heart to shreds? Something you had no control over?

No.

That had to take something more than strength. More than courage. Something undefinable. Possibly even a little bit insane.

That was it.

You had to be just a little bit mad to raise children in this world. In any world.

"You couldn't have helped them," Magna murmured, oblivious to her thoughts as she stroked her shoulder. "Just like you couldn't have helped your mum. I know you hate that. Can't forgive yourself for it. And I know that feeling. Understand it. . . but there was nothing you could have done."

"I know." And she did. "Doesn't really make it any better, though, does it?"

Magna's mouth pressed together grimly before she exhaled, leaning up and placing a light kiss on her forehead. "No. It doesn't."

Yumiko liked that she had never judged her for this. This guilt. This grief. Never insinuated that it was wrong of her to feel so much, so heavily, for creatures that weren't even human. When other people had lost siblings. Partners. Children.

Magna had simply allowed her the space to grieve. And comforted her when she could. Likely wouldn't even understand the significance of her empathy. Her consideration. She gave it thoughtlessly, because that was who she was.

And Yumiko loved her for it.

"Thankyou."

"For what?"

"Understanding. Not judging."

Magna frowned. "Judging?"

"The fact that I still haven't gotten over this. That losing them hit me so hard. When other people have lost so much more."

Yumiko had lost so much more.

Her mother. Even her brother, until only recently.

Magna's brow furrowed. "I know how much they meant to you, Miko. I saw it. Every day. . . and you know, I kind of get it. We had this horse. Tiny. He was on that farm longer than me. Was older than me. He was just. . . always there. And, I don't know, when I was in prison. . . he was one of the things I missed the most. It didn't feel right not having him around. . . He always made shit feel like home." Magna frowned. "I try not to think about what happened to him. Don't like to think that he might have gotten ripped to shreds. He didn't deserve that. And, you know, maybe he didn't. Maybe he died before then. He was pretty old. Only. . . he was alive when we made that trip to Karen and Mal's. He was alive then. But still. . . maybe."

"Maybe." Yumiko smiled weakly, squeezing her hand. She could remember the humongous Clydesdale Magna had paid a visit, watching the two of them from her car. The way she'd clung to him, doubtlessly unaware that Yumiko could see. That the moment wasn't completely private. . . That her tears weren't entirely secret. "Possibly some people even took him in. The same way we did those horses at the farm."

"Maybe. Like I said, he was pretty old. Probably would have been too much like dead weight. . . Might even have gotten eaten - and not by sickos."

Yumiko opened up her mouth to dish out another platitude, another useless attempt at comfort, but Magna was already shifting gears. Moving on.

"You know, I thought Popcorn was going to murder me in my sleep."

The words took Yumiko by surprise for a moment. Then her mouth turned up, appreciating Magna's attempt to lighten the mood - even if it was a deflection. "I'm sure he definitely considered it."

She grumbled slightly. "Fucking hell goblin."

"You know, he would have warmed up to you eventually. If you'd just given him the chance." Especially considering Popcorn had always been a perfect angel to everyone else. "The only reason he didn't like you is because he could sense that you didn't like him."

Magna jerked into a sitting position. "He bit me."

Yumiko scoffed. "It was a nibble."

"Easy for you to say. Those teeth were like fucking pincers, Miko! I could have lost a finger."

"Don't be dramatic."

Magna held up a hand. "I still have the scar."

"You had that scar before I met you."

"Prove it."

Yumiko rolled her eyes. "You know I can't do that."

"Because it's not true."

"Because I didn't think to document your scars before introducing you to my pets

"So? Doesn't mean I should have to pay for your poor judgment and lack of foresight."

"You're impossible." Yumiko huffed, then tugged at her arm. "Now come lie back down."

The room was still bloody freezing and right now her only source of heat happened to be the infuriating woman above her.

"Your wish," Magna waved a hand, "my command," before settling back down on the mattress. There was still far too much space between them for Yumiko's liking but it would do for now.

She sobered slightly, thoughts drifting back to their conversation, the parts that lay beneath the humor. "Look, I know you're scared of dogs-"

"Not scared. Justifiably wary - as anyone with a working brain would be."

Right.

Popcorn had been the size of a football.

"And you have a good reason for that fear. But, you know, they're not all like that."

"That?"

She was playing at ignorant, Yumiko was sure. "Your uncle's dog. The one that bit you. They're not all like that." In truth, that dog had likely been less to blame for its actions than its owners. Who knew what kind of environment it had been raised in? The Carter family certainly didn't inspire much confidence. But even if it had been raised as a pampered pooch, that couldn't eliminate the risk of a child doing something to upset it. Scare it.

Magna should have been supervised.

But she hadn't been. Of course, she hadn't been.

"Do you know what exactly happened? Why it bit you?"

The question seemed to catch Magna off guard. And Yumiko could see her thinking it over, trying to formulate a response. And coming up empty. "I. . . don't know. I don't remember. I just remember getting bit. And I remember that the dog disappeared after that. Probably they sold it."

The theory was unusually optimistic for Magna. Personally, Yumiko found herself highly sceptical.

The world wasn't exactly kind to dogs that would dare to maul a child.

"I. . ." Magna frowned, clearly trying to harness the memory. "I remember my dad was pissed. Really pissed. Mostly at me. But also at my uncle - and the dog." She snorted. "All the times he hurt me. . . and he was pissed when somebody else got the honor for once. Furious. Like he'd ever given a fuck about me before then." She shook her head. "I never got it. But. . . I liked that he seemed to care. Didn't like that he directed most of his anger at me but. . . I liked that he cared. For once. Does that sound weird?" Magna scoffed, not waiting for an answer. "Of course, it does. I hated him."

She looked at Yumiko then, like she expected her to doubt that last part and was ready to nail home the point if necessary.

She touched Magna's hand, hoping the action would settle that worry. "It doesn't sound weird."

Even during the worst moments of their relationship - even now - there was a part of Yumiko that craved to know that Nicole cared for her. In some small way. That there had been at least one real, genuine thing in their relationship. That it hadn't all been a lie.

That she hadn't given herself over so completely to someone who cared absolutely nothing about her.

She hated Nicole. Was revolted by the mere thought of her. And yet she still craved that reassurance. The reassurance that some small part of their time together had been real. That she hadn't wasted so much of herself on something so hollow and lifeless. That she hadn't been completely blind.

With Magna, it was even more understandable. What child wouldn't want their father to care for them? It was nothing less than a basic need. Born into them all.

"I hated him," Magna repeated more firmly, the lines of her face tense. Caustic.

"I know," Yumiko said easily, before she might get the fear that she didn't, "but he was also your father. The only one you ever had. It's natural that you would want him to care for you like a father."

"It doesn't feel natural. It feels. . ." Magna's mouth twisted, "wrong."

Yumiko moved her hand up to her wrist, to her arm, trailing a path along her skin. "Of course it does. You're judging that feeling with all the knowledge and perspective you have now. All the memories. You're not a child anymore. No longer dependent on your parents. On him. . . Of course the things that felt natural to you then no longer do. It doesn't mean that they're not natural. Or that you were wrong to feel them. You're just not a child anymore." She hesitated. "And even if you still felt them now. Even if a part of you still craves his care, his love-"

"It doesn't."

Yumiko squeezed her arm, more soothing than silencing. "Even if it did. It still wouldn't be wrong." Feeling the tension under her touch, and noting the muscles in Magna's jaw, the way she was so clearly clenching it with everything in her, Yumiko softened her voice even further, "I'm not saying that you do. I'm not saying that you feel anything for him other than hate. Just that if you did, it would be okay."

Magna looked away. "I don't."

"Okay."

She received no response, Magna's face still turned from her. The silence was tense, uncomfortable to be trapped in, and Yumiko hoped she hadn't said the wrong thing.

It was always so hard to know. When to push. When not to. Which words would do damage and which ones would heal. If there were any words to say at all.

Magna didn't make it easy to know.

Yumiko wondered whether one of the reasons she hated dogs so much was because they reminded her of this. This moment in her life when she'd been 'weak' enough to crave her father's affection. To be grateful for it.

She stroked Magna's hand. "Hey, you okay?"

After a moment, she gave a short nod, eyes still fastened to the wall. "I hate him."

"I believe you."

This finally seemed to ease some of the tension in Magna and she turned her hand over, tangling their fingers together. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, the motion tight, "getting defensive?"

It wasn't something Magna would have apologized for in the past and she suspected their previous conversation to be responsible for her impulse to do so now. That her lingering guilt had her hyper-aware of every little thing that could be perceived as stepping a foot wrong.

Yumiko fought against a frown. The last thing she wanted was for Magna to feel the need to walk on eggshells around her.

"It's an understandable thing to get defensive about. You don't need to apologize for that. . . You do however still need to give a proper apology for giving my parrot a foul mouth."

Magna's own mouth turned up. "Would a kiss suffice?"

"Depends on how good the kiss is."

"Mm. Challenge accepted." She rose up onto her elbows, closing the space between them and taking Yumiko's jaw in her hand. The touch was gentle, as gentle as the kiss that followed it.

Yumiko smiled against the curve of her mouth.

From her words, she'd been expecting something with a little more passion. A little more force. But this? The light touch of Magna's lips as she slowly opened her mouth, her hand softly holding Yumiko steady, in place, connected to her. . .

This was just as good. And perhaps needed even more.

Slowly, ever so gradually, they drew back - Magna stealing a few final kisses as the distance grew between them. Short, featherlight pecks to Yumiko's mouth that did nothing to quench the need in her chest.

Without thought, she drew Magna back into her, kissing her firmly, drawing out the connection for as long as oxygen allowed - before at last allowing her to retreat.

The grin on Magna's face suggested the extra kiss had not been at all unwelcome.

Smiling in return, Yumiko settled back against her pillow, waiting patiently for Magna to join her. Which she did. Setting her cheek next to Yumiko's - entirely disregarding her own pillow - but still leaving a sliver of space between them.

(she half suspected that space was left there just to torture her)

Then Magna's lips found hers again, the kiss unhurried, dragging against her mouth with the slowest of motions that nonetheless made her shiver, and Yumiko lost herself in the sensation for a time. In the drawn-out graze of her lips, the smell of her skin. She tangled her fingers lightly through Magna's, holding her through the kiss, not breaking the connection even after it had ended.

As their lips slowly parted, a thought occurred to her.

And Yumiko could have cursed herself for it. For the timing. She tried to quash it, push it back down but-

She'd forgotten. Forgotten in all this that it hadn't just been her who was hurt. That their problems extended beyond that. And as much she wanted to right now, that wasn't something that could be ignored.

Not if they were going to do this.

Do it right.

Worrying her bottom lip, she reached out a hand, trailing her fingers down Magna's cheek, feeling the softness of her skin. She wanted to linger in the sensation, in this moment.

But she couldn't.

One more second won't hurt.

Magna exhaled and she felt the heat against her palm, thawing the ice in her blood.

The room hadn't gotten any warmer.

"Earlier, what you said about me having some things that I needed to say. . ." Yumiko started. " I think you have some things you need to say as well."

Tell me I'm wrong.

But she knew she wasn't.

Magna blinked slowly in acknowledgment. "Not right now. For now. . . let's just lie here."

That was hardly a difficult order.

Yumiko shivered and Magna frowned, inching closer. "You're cold." The burn of her palm, rubbing over her upper arm more or less eliminated the problem.

"Well, your apartment is an icebox." She smiled, shifting nearer. "You might have to warm me up."

Magna's mouth curved dangerously-

"And no, not like that."

She hardly had the energy to breathe right now let alone anything else.

"Damn." The grin on Magna's face bellied her words and she shifted closer. Yumiko sighed as she felt the press of familiar flesh, moulding to hers. Magna's skin was cool but the touch of it set her own to burning. "I guess this will just have to do."

"I guess so."

This was heaven. This was every bit of warmth and comfort that she'd been missing for months. The void in her bed that she'd worked so tirelessly to pretend wasn't there.

This was everything.

Yumiko smiled, nestling closer still until their faces were just as connected as their bodies, the dark flecks in Magna's eyes all that she could see.

She could spend the rest of her life in this moment.

Staring into Magna's eyes. Feeling nothing but her warmth. Her presence.

She had everything in this moment.

"If I saw you everyday forever, I would remember this time."
― Thomas Harris, Hannibal