The conflict between Robert and his neighbour in this episode is a reference to the Kaamelott episodes featuring Guéthenoc and Roparzh the enemy farmers... Adapted to the world of Gondolin and his characters (with a touch of Monty Python as always).

Chapter 23 : Robert's cow

o

o

"My king," said Penlodh, "a human farmer and an elf farmer seek audience with you."

"Send them in. It will distract me a little from my daughter's latest podiatric mishaps..."

Instead of two people, it was three who entered. There were two human farmers, both dressed in rustic clothes and wearing peasant caps, and then an elf dressed in green, with a green headband around his head.

Of the two humans, it was the shorter one who stepped forward. His hair and short beard were red. The only refinement to his outfit was a golden torc around his neck.

He took off his hat and bowed.

"Good mornin' majestee," he said deferentially. "I does not wan' to bother you Sire, but I has been tol' you're very just ! And your sergeant and provost wouldn't b'lieve me 'bout it. Then you must be spoken about of such ignominy in your kin'dom !"

"Excuse me, my dear friend," replied the king, "but who exactly are you ?"

"I'm Robert the Red, Sire, son of Erik the Miller, from the last farm in the v'lley before the mountain past'res. And he's my new neighbor."

He pointed at the elf.

"Wait... But I know you," said the king. "You are Tathar, the president of the SUN, the Nandorin union ?"

"That's right," replied the elf, straight as a spike.

"And so... what's going on ?"

"What's goin' on is that since he and his comrades moved in next door, nothin' but trouble is created !"

"That's ridiculous..." the Nando hissed, looking away.

"Yes, yes, we got alon' very well with the Grey Elves and the Green Elves of before ! Him I don't know what colour he is, but it sucks !"

"Oh hey, you better talk to me in a different tone !" said the elf.

"Calm down, Erik... er Robert," said the king. "And state what your grievances are, concretely. "

"My... My what ?"

"You have to translate for him," said the trade unionist. "He doesn't understand anything when you try to explain something."

"What did he do to you ?" Turgon asked.

"What did he do to me ? Three days ago, I went to brin' back my cows that were grazin' the bushes near the river... And then one was missin'."

"And then ?"

"And then the next day I saw my cow in his meadow, with his own cows !"

"They are not my cows," the elf corrected. "Not everyone follows you in your delusion of property."

"On top of that", continued Robert, "she was a beaut'ful cow, with a honey-coloured coat, a little fringe on the middle of her horns and longs black eyelashes."

"There are no more humans in the valley, sire, so conclude what you can from that."

"But what is he sayin' ? Is he sayin' that I do things with my cow, that an'mal ?"

"He won't be the first. They've got some funny habits, the Humans here, I heard."

"They 'ccuse me of evil thin's, majestee ! What he doesn't say is that on his farm they grow strange plants that I've never seen elsewhere ! Then they put them in cakes that they eat in the evenin' and it's fun until late !"

"Anyway, that's what was decided," said the elf Nando. "He has to give his animals to the cooperative ! So since he doesn't do it, we do it for him."

"The coop... what ?" asked Turgon.

"The cooperative, the collective farm !"

"In his dreams !" exclaimed Robert. "I'd rather kill my cow than give her to them !"

"You see the barbarian... He says he loves her but he wants to kill her !"

"T-t-t-t. Wait a minute..." said the king. "Who decided what ? I've never heard of a collective farm."

"That was decided by vote in the district, Your Majesty."

"By vote ? Wait... A vote ? What's this ? There's no vote. I decide when there's something to decide. Because I am the King."

"I am an elf Nando," replied Tathar. "I only obey Lord Denethor."

"He's croaked your Lord Denethor !"

"Precisely. And if it were enough to set foot somewhere to say that a country belongs to you, it would be known !"

"Well, that's how it works, you see ! We arrive with our big swords and say that everything is ours. What's the problem ?"

The Nando's mouth dropped open.

"I didn't vote an'way, my sire the kin'," Robert said, " 'cause I can't read. So that decision it concerns me not. "

"But it doesn't concern anyone actually !" replied the noldorin king.

"It is not my decision," corrected the chief Nando. "It's the result of a democratic procedure that..."

"Do you know where your can stick your democratic procedure ?" replied Turgon.

"Take this in your ears !" said Robert to the Green Elf.

Then he whispered to the other human who accompanied him : "You were right, the king Turgon is a good king."

"Your insults do not change anything..." said Tathar. "For I can't give him back his cow."

"And why no ?" Robert asked.

"Because she's deceased."

"What ?" said Robert, looking haggard.

"Yesterday morning she was found dead in the meadow, so we incinerated her."

"The bastard !" cried Robert. "I'm gonna stab him with my pitchfork to make him look like a thimble !"

The other human tried to hold him back and managed to do so until the guards took over.

"Class traitor !" the unionist shouted at him. "You'd better save your energy for fighting Noldorin Imperialism !"

"Oh, you're starting to annoy me with your big words and your cow kidnappings !" exclaimed Turgon. "You know what ? I condemn you to pay double the price of this beast to the Human, for its replacement and the damages suffered."

"Yes, there are moral prej'dices, sire ! I loved that cow very much !"

At this point Princess Idril made her entrance, her feet bandaged. She came to stand by the throne.

"Father," she whispered to him, "I hear that you are receiving humans at this very moment ?"

"Yes, there are two of them there..."

She looked at them, with her beautiful face lined with golden hair. Robert blushed, but not the other.

"Well ?" said the king.

"They are not very handsome in appearance," she whispered.

"The one on the left, the blond one, he's all right, though."

Idril pouted.

"Besides," Turgon thought, "it's amazing how much he looks like Ecthelion's squire."

He turned to him.

"I did not know that Belin the Blond, the squire of Ecthelion, had a twin brother," said the king. "You look very much like him. "

The young human lowered his head, looking embarrassed.

"It's not his twin brother," said Robert. "It's Belin the Blond himself. "

"But... why are you with him, Belin ?" the king wondered. "It looks like you're in disguise..."

Belin raised his head sharply.

"He has resigned his pos'tion as esquire, my lord", replied Robert.

The king grimaced.

"It's because of Ecthelion, isn't it ? What did he do to you ? I'm sure he was yelling at you the whole time."

"Not at all, sire," replied Belin. "He was very good to me."

"So what happened ?"

Belin did not want to answer.

When they came out of the palace, and found themselves in the King's Square, near the great fountain, they saw Glorfindel talking with another elf who was from behind. All that could be seen was his long black hair with blue highlights resting on his cloak, a bit of his slightly pointed ear and the relief of his cheekbone.

Belin stopped, suddenly wanting to go and talk to him. But at that moment he heard Ecthelion burst into a great cold laugh. Glorfindel also laughed. Then Belin, suddenly feeling he didn't belong, gave up and joined his brother.