Isn't He That One Dead Actor? (Holy Shit, Dazai, How Many Assassins Do You Know!?)
Summary: One day Dazai suddenly has multiple guests come in all at once. The ADA isn't even surprised anymore, even Sigma is used to it. They are, however, surprised that these are the ones Dazai wants to throw hands with!
Part 9 of Dazai's Strangest Guests
At this point, the Armed Detective Agency staff wasn't even surprised anymore when their door nearly flew off its hinges on a random day where the sun had been shining, the birds had been singing and there had been no chaos - friendly or not - whatsoever in over a week. Honestly, they were expecting it at this point.
"Yo, Dazai! Long time no see, huh, kid? At least you don't look so emo anymore," a young man, probably in his early twenties, with blond, unkempt hair tied in a short braid, wearing sunglasses and piercings in his ears, dressed like one would expect a stereotypical biker, greeted loudly with a huge grin on his face as he preceded four other men roughly the same age as him. The first to come in after him was a man with short white hair in a straight bob cut not unlike Yosano's, just slightly longer, tall and slender, his clothes in blacks and whites and with the air of a leader. Following him was a very handsome, very beautiful person, most probably male but with rather androgynous features, dressed a bit like a businessman and a bit like a movie star about to hit the red carpet, looking quite gentle and delicate compared to the others. Right after him was a guy in a lab coat with dark, short hair in a not-so-flattering bowl-cut, dragging an IV pole with him, for some reason. Finally, ending the procession and making it a record of the amount of guests Dazai received in one setting, was a rather cold and unapproachable looking man in a black overcoat, a three-piece suit, leather gloves and a light-colored scarf with short, swept-back hair and a scarf running down over his closed right eye, a cigarette between his lips.
They all waved at the former mafioso with some kind of friendly smiles on their faces and the Agency wondered if this would just be the same-old-same-old, even if Lovecraft had been a bit surprising to everyone and considerably different in comparison to the guests prior to him.
Besides, these guys looked fairly normal, all things considered. The Agency rather doubted any of them was some eldritch creature of the deep, an android, a singularity/god host, created by the Book, Dazai's long lost or estranged rich cousins (not impossible, per se, but extremely unlikely) or brought back from the dead. They looked like normal guys with a bit of a strange fashion sense so they all figured it was going to be pretty tame.
Maybe they brought snacks!
All such hopes and thoughts went straight out the window when Dazai's face morphed into one of arctic fury and he lunged for the now confused-quickly-turning-to-panicking quintet as they tried to scramble out of the office and hopefully slam the door in Dazai's face, but it was too little too late.
"You sons of bitches! I'm going to personally put you back into your fucking graves!"
Okay, scratch that, today was not going to be the same-old-same-old from the past visits! Hell, it was not going to be a normal day at all! They have never heard Dazai yell or curse before! It felt a bit like seeing a unicorn or perhaps witnessing a horizon event. Dostoevsky and Fukuchi actually being good guys would make more sense than what they were currently seeing!
Because Dazai was seriously set on fighting these guys while cussing them out!
... Huh, maybe they are his long lost or estranged cousins, after all.
Still, they all kind of just ... Sat back and gawked, witnessing firsthand the agility, speed and strength Sigma had told them about from his little 'adventure' with Dazai in Meursault. Dazai was definitely taking those five guys in a far too effective way for it to not be a result of at least some skill and practice ... Not that the five fought back ... At first, anyway.
Scar-face went down first, then Mr black-n-white, which was when the remaining three tried to fight back and the first two taken down tried to get back up, but they apparently didn't know how to pick locks in the uncomfortable positions Dazai left them in. Lemon-boy-lookalike was taken out next, followed by Beauty-mark. The last one standing gave up fighting and begged for mercy but the Agency knew by now: Dazai had no mercy.
"If it weren't Dazai-dono, this would be embarrassing," Scar-face said with a slight grumpiness to his tone. "I blame all of you."
"Hey, at least we tried to fight," the one in the lab coat protested.
"Really, Albatross," the leader(?) sighed.
"Like I would have stood a chance if even Iceman and you were taken down, Pianoman," the biker - Albatross, apparently - whined in his own defense. "And no, Doc, you really didn't try. I think only Lippman did, so Lippman is the MVP because you two also got taken out before you could do anything."
"Well, if all of you hadn't been in my way-"
"Guys, please," the prettiest one - most probably Lippman, if Doc is the lab coat guy and Pianoman and Iceman were the first ones taken out - said in a gentle tone. "Let's not fight in front of Dazai-dono. I sense that we are already in enough trouble as it is."
"You always were the only sensible one," the brunet in question said ominously.
Doc and Albatross gulped.
"Dazai-dono, may we know why we've received such a ... peculiar welcome?" Black-and-white - Pianoman - asked carefully.
Dazai twitched as though in remembered, unsuppressable rage. "Are you sure you want to remind me right now?"
"No!" Squeaked Albatross, but Pianoman said the exact opposite.
"Do five Steel Oracles ring a bell to you?" Dazai asks in a cold, sharp, deathly, poisonous tone, looking ready to dismember the quintet.
Kyouka gasps.
"What's a Steel Oracle?" Atsushi asks, noticing her reaction.
"It's like a paper of request, where Port Mafia subordinates put everything they have on the line to make one request for something," Kyouka answers. "It's the most powerful form of request a subordinate can have with their bosses, be that a squad leader, an Executive or even the Boss himself, and it hold almost the same power as the Silver Oracle that the Boss uses to give authority to his men to the point they can order around even Executives. Each subordinate of the Mafia gets only one Steel Oracle."
"Then what does Dazai-san mean by 'five Steel Oracles'?"
"Obviously he means their five Steel Oracles, Atsushi~," Ranpo stated the obvious.
"Oh. Right," came from the embarrassed weretiger. "But wait? What does that have anything to do with, well, this?" He asked, gesturing to where Dazai was, quite literally, preparing for his five guests' slow, painful, torturous demise.
"Well, you see," the one they now know as Albatross began sheepishly while Lippman and Pianoman were trying to negotiate with Dazai. "We died, like, almost seven years ago, now, but we used to be on a team with Chuuya before his psycho, self-proclaimed brother killed us. As even back then it was known Chuuya and Dazai were the future of the organization and Dazai was more likely to succeed the Boss ... Well, we thought Chuuya was the better option. So we gave our Steel Oracles for him to become the next Boss!"
Dazai just became even more incensed at that. "What the hell were you thinking!?"
"Listen, Dazai-dono, it's not that we don't think you'd be a bad leader," Iceman tried. "We just thought ... Chuuya-kun would be better at it. Kinder?"
"You lot are imbeciles! Idiots! Worse than idiots!"
"Listen, you were super self-destructive and everyone feared you! And it was just pure fear, not even respect-"
"Huu, boy, are you guys lucky Akutagawa isn't here to hear you say that," Atsushi interjected but was ignored.
"-and it wouldn't have mattered how brilliant you were, no one would want you as Boss! You were the wraith. People wanted you dead left and right and it was only the Boss who kept you safe! Chuuya's charismatic," Pianoman almost desperately defended the group and tried to explain their actions. "People would have learned to love him and we were right! He's the popular Executive! Plus, he's strong and he can actually be loyal. He'll protect the organization-"
"I'm going to kill you all by myself!"
"Dazai-dono, Chuuya-kun is practically born to be a leader," Doc finally chimed in, not that it helped. In fact, Dazai was already taking out a gun from who knows where, making the five try to retreat.
"If you kill us, Chuuya-kun will know," Lippman warned, though it sounded too desperate to be effective as a warning. "Besides, we have a right to want whoever we want as the next Boss!"
"I don't care who you want or don't want as the Boss, it ain't gonna be Chuuya!"
"We have a right to ask whatever we want in exchange for our Steel Oracles!" Albatross countered indignantly.
"How dare you write Steel Oracles for Chuuya as Boss!?"
"It's going to happen whether you want it or not!" The 'biker' snapped back.
"Not even over my dead body!"
"You're not even in the Mafia anymore! Why would you care! What's the point of this childish tantrum!?" Pianoman finally thundered, his patience expired. "Is it just because it's Chuuya-"
"Yes, exactly! It's exactly because it's Chuuya!" Dazai all but screamed. His trigger finger was twitching and the Agency wondered if this goes on, will it be a Yosano-come-save-them case or Does-anyone-have-Menu-san's-number-and-something-to-bargain case.
"Isn't that extremely childish?" 'Scar-face' asked, looking both genuinely interested and that special brand of So Done™️ that comes exclusively from dealing with Soukoku, or more specifically, the subgroup of the brand that exists only in those who have dealt with teenage Soukoku. "Dazai-dono, I think we're facing a big misunderstanding here. Could you tell us why the thought of Chuuya-kun becoming the Boss of the Port Mafia angers you so much?"
"Yeah, didn't you two finally start fucking out the bad blood between you?" Doc asked, only for the other four - yes, even Albatross - to whack him over the head. "Ow! What!? We were all thinking it!"
"As crudely as it was stated, Doc does have a point," Lippman addressed Dazai again. "Aren't you and Chuuya-kun dating now? Shouldn't you be happy that he might get to be Boss?"
"Are you all seriously that fucking dumb?" The brunet now looked more incredulous than spitting-angry, which was at least an indicator that the five men will probably survive to see another day. Or hour. The jury's still out on whether they'll push Dazai over the edge after nearly five years of no killing. "Sure, Chuuya would be a good leader, a great one, even, especially in just about any other organization but the Port Mafia. Or, you know, any other crime syndicate. Why? Well, because he fucking cares too much."
" ... Huh?"
Ranpo and Kyouka looked disappointed in all of them in the wake of that collective reaction. Ranpo, because he, of course, knows all. Kyouka, because Chuuya was her 'older brother' while she used to be Kouyou's charge so she was rather familiar with him.
"With how Chuuya-san talked about the Flags, I thought you lot would be quicker on the uptake."
"Oooo~ Roasted by a fourteen year old!" Ranpo gave the girl a candy as a reward, making the Flags(?) collectively pout. The other Agency members just decided to stay out of it for fear of getting the same treatment from the savage little girl.
Dazai rolled his eyes. "You guys didn't know King of the Sheep Chuuya-"
"No, he didn't really talk about the Sheep much," Albatross commented but piped down when Dazai gave him the Demon Prodigy glare, something the Flags were not equipped to deal with.
"Yeah, well, anyways, he was miserable. Couldn't act like a kid for a second. The most fun he had in eight years was bickering with me and going to the arcade when we met. He loved the Sheep, though, of course he did. Was loyal, too. He was ready to do anything for them. He wasn't happy, though. Because at some point, they started fearing him. They started using him as a weapon. Chuuya tried to be a leader for them because that's what he thought they needed him to be. You didn't see how the weight seems to have dropped off of his shoulders when he was no longer in charge of anyone. Then you lot weren't there when he got his first squad. He was stressed for weeks. I had to go poke at him just so he would blow up at me instead of bottling it up until he actually blows up from stress, lack of sleep or something and accidentally unleashes Corruption. Then they got killed and it was almost impossible to stop him from drinking himself to death. He mourned every subordinate he lost like it was his fault they joined a deadly workplace like the Mafia. Just recently he was put as acting-leader during a conflict and Ane-san confided in me that he nearly had a breakdown at one moment. The conflict hadn't even been 48h long. And you want to put him in charge of the thousands of people directly or indirectly involved with the Mafia? Yeah, not even over my fucking dead body. Don't make me call Verlaine-san on you."
"We've been back for over a week, Chuuya made us talk with his bro. We're pals, now," Albatross said proudly.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Verlaine tried to adopt Dazai at some point," Yosano snickered.
"Also, Verlaine-san always takes my side when it comes to the chibi's potential physical, mental, health and emotional safety, so no, you lot would not be pals with Verlaine-san if I told him you were trying to tie down Chuuya even more to the Mafia, and to the detriment of his health and mental state. And that's not even mentioning Randou-san. Besides, it's not as though I'd need help to take you lot down," he ascertained, but he also finally put the gun away and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm surrounded by idiots."
"Hey!"
"Of course I don't mean you, Ranpo-san."
Ranpo gave him a thumbs up, because, honestly, he felt the same.
"Can we get up now?" Pianoman dared to ask. "We promise we won't die on Chuuya or write our second Steel Oracles asking for him to be Boss."
Dazai snorted and waved them off. He'd made his point and was content with it. As they all more or less elegantly staggered to their feet, Dazai made his way over to his couch and got comfortable before acknowledging them again. "So, are you guys settling in okay?"
"They're new?" Yosano asked and Dazai nodded.
"I asked Menu-san to use her Ability on them after Odasaku visited. I figured that Chuuya deserved to have at least some of the people he lost to be brought back. Menu-san will probably have to go into a bit of hiding for a while after all the resurrections she's been making. Maat really is such a powerful Ability ... "
"We're doing okay," Lippman was the one to answer for the Flags as he dusted himself off. "It was a little strange at first, but we quickly adapted. The Boss gave us back our positions and even our things that had remained in the Mafia's possession. We'll probably be back on the job by this time next month."
"The strangest part was finding out we're now basically the same age as Chuuya," Albatross added with a grin. "Though he hasn't grown much," was the teasing follow up and Dazai snorted, finally making the Flags relax. "He did try to give me back the bike I gave him, but it felt weird. It's his now, you know?"
"Ah, good. If you'd taken him up on that offer and I had to deal with a sulking chibi, I'd eviscerate you while keeping you alive on a stake going through the entire length of your body," Dazai said with a cheerful smile.
Albatross went whiter than half of Pianoman's clothes.
"That's the Port Mafia's wraith for you," Iceman hummed.
Dazai blinked at them. "Oh. I haven't been called that in an age and a half. Huh. Time really flies by, doesn't it?"
Kunikida, meanwhile, had gone even paler than Albatross. "You're the wraith, too!?"
"Well, duh," the former Port Mafia Executive rolled his eyes. "What? Did you think I spawned as the Demon Prodigy out of nowhere?"
"No, I'm well aware you had parents and grandparents, thanks to Lady Tsushima. However! That has nothing to do with the fact that you were apparently both the Demon Prodigy and the Port Mafia's wraith!? Dazai, what the FUCK!?"
"Oh, that's what you meant."
'"You got a different moniker?" Pianoman asked curiously as he dared come to sit across from Dazai at the opposite couch. Lippman followed and smiled in a friendly manner at the brunet now that he was no longer trying to kill them.
"You've really grown up, Dazai-dono."
"And what's up with the -dono thing?" Yosano asked, because not even Sebastian called him that.
"Yeah, a lot of things happened after you guys died," Dazai began explaining, answering all of those questions at once. "You see, Kunikida-lun, I joined the Port Mafia as Mori-san's right hand man from the start and I was so effective, I brought in so much proffit and benefits, but I was so young and so dead inside that people couldn't believe I was real. I terrified both Port Mafia members and enemies. I was the boogeyman, the monster in the closet, the things that go bumping in the night, the nightmare under the bed, but imagine that for the entire criminal underworld. I was an urban legend, dressed in black and in bandages, and I never left anyone behind as an aftermath of my missions and, as you know, dead men tell no tales. Many doubted I was even real until they had the misfortune to meet me. So I was called a wraith that haunted both the Port Mafia's halls and Yokohama's streets." The Flags all nodded at that while Yosano joined Ranpo and Kyouka in eating snacks while watching the show as their colleagues got progressively paler. "Then, Verlaine-san came and I was the only one who could string him along and create a plan to defeat him. With Chuuya as the only one who can beat him at my side along with a veritable army of Port Mafia men and allies at my command for the plan ... Well, after Verlaine-san's defeat, no one doubted my existence. I had just helped take down one god-like being and tamed another. Whispers of a demon started appearing almost as frequently as those of the wraith. The Dragon Head conflict was the final nail to the wraith's coffin, though, because Shibusawa was also called a white demon, besides White Qilin and white giraffe-"
"I'm sorry, Shibusawa was called what!?" Atsushi squeaked, looking ready to burst out laughing. Kenji, though, shushed him, as he was enjoying this unplanned for story time.
"-and I was able to outwit him and then Chuuya came to destroy him, and, well, Soukoku's legend was born out of the ashes of the Gifted organization we decimated that one night, along with Shibusawa. So with Soukoku came the Demon Prodigy, a moniker that solidified so quickly that Akutagawa-kun, who I met maybe not even a week later, only knew me by that moniker and my name, which had slipped into the discourse at some point, only to be forgotten outside of Port Mafia territory or my personal enemies."
"Because the greatest misfortune for your enemies is that they are your enemies, right?" Ranpo asked with a grin and Dazai shrugged with this tiny, proud smile because yes, his reputation was well earned and yes, it was very useful.
"Chuuya's told us about the Dragon Head conflict and Soukoku, but it was honestly hard to believe you two can stop arguing long enough to get the job done," the leader of the Flags said with a chuckle.
"Oh, they never stop," Atsushi, who's been having more missions as a part of Shin Soukoku with the Soukoku following the defeat of the Decay of Angels - Chuuya's insistence, actually, since it took Dazai quite some time to full recover, so he wanted him to be protected while Chuuya beat the shit out of their opponents - said with the air of someone who has too much unwanted experience in that regard.
"Figures," Doc snorted as he went over to introduce himself to the Agency's resident doctor so they can exchange notes and such. They found themselves pleasantly surprised to have almost identical beliefs regarding treating people, though even Doc was a little scared of the chainsaw Yosano declared as her favorite 'healing' tool. The Agency as a whole shuddered while the Flags looked concerned.
"So, how do you guys know Dazai-san?" Naomi asked curiously.
"And what did you guys do in the Mafia, if you don't mind me asking?" Junichiro added. He had started getting far more comfortable around the Mafia after their help during the latest war in Yokohama and during all these random visits Dazai sometimes got from the mafioso.
"Ah, we used to be a special group called the Young Bloods," Pianoman answered with a serene smile.
"Flags," corrected Lippman, smiling flirtily at the white haired man, making Albatross, Doc, Iceman and Dazai all groan when Pianoman visibly became hot around the collar. Ranpo just snickered, enjoying the minute drama.
"Right, the Flags. Anyways, we were a peer group of the youngest and most successful mafioso in the Port Mafia-"
"False," Dazai cut in, making an X with his arms. "You were just a group of young mafioso aged 25 and below of relatively high ranks in the Mafia, but you were hardly the most successful. After all, Kouyou wanted nothing to do with you and you lot never even invited me and I was already responsible for a third of the Mafia's profits by the time Verlaine-san came. You lot were just an excuse for Mori-san to have Chuuya's every move monitored."
"Hey, don't make it sound like we didn't become real friends with Chuuya-kun," protested Doc. "Anyways, yeah, we are the Flags. You can call me Doc. I'm a doctor and the Port Mafia's medical supervisor."
"Name's Albatross, or as far as you need to know, anyway. I was in charge of the transportation aspect of the Mafia, including fixing shit up."
"I'm Lippman, in charge of the Mafia's public relations, including negotiations with enterprises or meetings with the government. It's a pleasure to meet you all."
"Iceman. A hitman."
"And I'm Pianoman, the leader and creator of the Flags, a craftsman of supernotes or counterfeit money. I was also the closest to the position of being a Mafia Executive by the time we died," the black-and-white dressed man said proudly, to which Dazai just rolled his eyes.
"Wait, aren't you that one actor that disappeared six years ago and was presumed dead?" Naomi asked, pointing a finger at Lippman with stars shining in her eyes. "I loved your movies as a kid!"
"Thank you," the blond said with a pretty smile. "It's always a pleasure to meet a fan!"
"Seriously, Dazai? Another assassin!? How many assassins do you know!?" Kunikida yelled, exasperated, while his work partner just snorted.
"Kunikida-kun, I used to be in the Port Mafia, not Port McDonalds! Of course I knew a lot of assassins personally! It's just that, well, Iceman can't really live up to the reputations of Odasaku, Verlaine-san or even Gin-san."
"Hey," Iceman halfheartedly protested, but even he wasn't going to try and argue he stood a chance against Verlaine. Or Gin, actually. They met. The younger assassin kind of intimidated him. He guessed it made sense since Dazai was the one to pick Gin only for Verlaine to take over the training. That was a recipe for a master assassin.
Just then, Dazai's phone rang, distracting him from his colleagues trying to get juicy stories about young Soukoku from them. They were the only ones in the know about Dazai's and Chuuya's dynamic before the iconic 'Stormbringer' incident.
Well, there was Kouyou, whom Kyouka could ask, but no one quite wanted to deal with the female Executive regarding such potentially sensitive topics.
"Heya, slug! ... Yes, your chaotic neutrals are all here, safe and sound. ... Of course they're safe and sound, you chibi hatrack! I didn't go through all that trouble to have them brought back just to let them die again! ... Of course I threatened them~ What are partners for?" Then Dazai spent the next two minutes just nodding and humming along to a string of curses wishing misfortune on his earliest ancestors' souls. "Yes, I'll be sending them back now. I didn't want them here in the first place! They just barged in ... By the way, Menu-san's price was getting to be the first one to meet you, so prepare to meet the in laws~ Okay, byeee~"
"How that man can stand to date you is beyond any form of comprehension," Kunikida said with feeling.
The Flags collectively snorted. "Don't be fooled by the manners Ozaki-san hammered into Chuu Chuu's skull," Albatros said with a rascal grin. "He's a world class shittalker and gives as good as he gets and then some! He especially doesn't hold back with Dazai-dono!"
"You still haven't told us about the whole 'Dazai-dono' thing," Yosano pointed out.
"Oh, right! That's just what most people called him since he was the Boss' right hand man."
"Yeah, people who didn't know I couldn't give a damn," Dazai snorted. "Now, off you go. The chibi wants you lot back to the Old World in ten minutes. Good luck surviving his motherhenning."
"Well, I guess that's our cue," Pianoman sighed and stood up, heading towards the door with the other Flags following.
"Wait, what did you guys even come here for?" A confused Yosano asked.
"Oh, we heard Dazai-dono got really injured recently, so we wanted to make sure he was actually alright. After all, he's the one who's been taking care of Chuuya-kun for us for the past six, seven years and he also had us brought back. You could say we owe him and this was the least we could do," Doc said with a smile towards Dazai's stunned expression.
"Don't think we won't come after you if you hurt Chuuya-kun, though," warned Iceman in the shortest version of a shoveltalk to ever exist.
Ranpo snorted at that. "Good luck getting around Oda. Or Mr Fancy Hat, at that."
"Or Sebastian," Kyouka added and they all shuddered as they contemplated whether Chuuya or Sebastian would win in an epic showdown.
"Tsushima-dono," was all Fukuzawa said as he passed through the office to go to the bathroom or something and everyone just sweatdropped as they realized he might just be right.
"All of you are wrong," Yosano declared confidently. "Rimlaine for the win!"
Dazai just groaned as she then proceeded to introduce the Flags to her ship, even managing to rope in Albatross and Doc while she was already visibly plotting a whole new ship with Pianoman and Lippman.
To: Slug
Your friends are gonna be late, chibi. Yosano-sensei is doing god's work right now.
Or the devil's.
From: Slug
LM/PM? Let her cook!
Wdym?
To: Slug
She's introducing them to her favorite gay European ship.
From: Slug
Ah, you mean Rimlaine. Let her cook, too. I need more people teasing Verlaine.
To: Slug
This is why you never grew!
From: Slug
Fuck you!
OWARI
