BONE OF the father, unwillingly given...
Flesh of the servant, willingly sacrificed...
Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken...
All mixed in a cauldron, a primordial evil soup.
And from it the Dark Lord rose again.
His naked embryonic form was covered in cloak...
His serpentine face rising up to the greet the graveyard...
His trembling servant marveling and looking in horror...
And a look of youthful vigor fell upon the Dark Lord's face.
"I am reborn," said the Dark Lord. "I feel...younger, somehow..."
"My wand, Wormtail..." said the Dark Lord. "My wand..."
Wormtail thence bowed, and it was then that he saw a mysterious protuberance somewhere in the region of Voldemort's netherlands.
"My Lord, " whispered the rodentious little prick, "I say you've already got quite a wand..."
The Dark Lord noticed it, too, and his ophidian eyes went even slittier. "Not enough of one." And with a flick of his wand (his real wand, pervs), he uttered the word that Muggles only wish they could utter:
"Erectus..."
There wasn't a growth of his swollenness. There wasn't even a flash of light from his wand. There was simply the dull, flaccid lifeless sound of nothing.
"Erm...My Lord...that's not the right word."
"Oh, damn," said Voldemort. "And I thought I needed to change the batteries..." He slapped the wand and gave it a spanking against his thigh, then pointed the wand to his manly protuberance and said the enviable word that dullbloods can only dream of:
"Swollius."
Nothing happened. "Oh, bugger off," said Voldemort."
"Erm, my Lord...that's also not the right word..."
"OH, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, WORMTAIL!" He hissed at the cauldron behind him. "You could have said, 'Brain of Mother, unwillingly donated to science'!"
Just then Luscious Malfoy's voice droned in from behind. "My Lord...you and I have work to do..."
"Oh, bugger off, Julian Assange," snarked Voldemort. "Essentials first."
Luscious's sigh was all too lusty to be ignored. "The word you are looking for, your Horniness, is Engorgio."
Voldemort blushed a little and wagged his snakelike head. "I'll take Pretentious Bastards for $200, Alex..."
"What, My Lord?"
"Nothing..."
And the Engorgio spell worked to perfection and gave the Dark Lord a real reason to be called Master, and now Voldemort was staring greedily at the rodentine man before him.
"Unbelievable," said Lusciuos Malfoy. "You would prefer him over me?"
"What can I say?" said the Dark Lord. "I do have a thing for cheap and trashy..."
"Oh, I love it when you talk that way!" said Wormtail.
"Do shut up, we have a job to do..."
And with every lusty kiss, Harry's scar screamed in pain, and Voldemort and his minion danced on into the night.
the end
ps: When I selected the characters in the story description, it keeps saying Luscious Malfoy's name is Lucius L. I have no idea why FanFiction gets it wrong...
