The next morning
Voight watched Jay sleep. He's knocked out by pain meds and emotional pain, but the cut cheek, split lips and black eye took away any semblance of it being peaceful,
He's curled up on his side and covered with multiple blankets pulled to his neck, his right hand with its bruised and cut up knuckles holding them tightly in place. His position is taking the pressure off the stitched up cuts on his back and his broken ribs, and hidden under the blankets Jay's left arm rested on a pillow, wrist wrapped and again in a brace but this time to support it after surgery.
The second asshole did more damage to his already damaged wrist and pins and plates needed to be used to stabilize the bones. He would regain full mobility though and that was all that mattered.
He leaned forward when Jay's hand twisted the blankets tighter and his face scrunched up in pain, but when Jay settled without waking up, he leaned back in his chair with a sigh.
He had told the kid last night who the second attacker was, Robert Carpenter, a pharmacist at the location he'd picked up his prescription from over a month ago. The asshole was able to get Jay's address from the computer and had been stalking him since then…he also knew Jay was a cop, saw his badge when he picked up the medication, but the prick didn't let it deter him.
They found 85 pictures of Jay getting in and out of his truck and coming and going from his apartment building on Carpenter's phone. When interrogated, the asshole had also admitted to going into Jay's apartment twice after he left for work and had stolen a few items of clothing.
With Jay being a cop, the only time Carpenter took a chance on following him was the night of the undercover. They had left Jay's apartment on foot for the L, it was dark and there were enough people coming and going from that location for him to easily get lost in the crowd.
Jay turning down the dance was what escalated it beyond stalking. The day the kid got home from the hospital, Carpenter saw he was injured and down a wing. Jay's injuries gave him the confidence to 'go on a date' with Jay, so he made a plan and put it into play a week later.
All this information landed like a brick on Jay. Carpenter had been watching him, had been in his apartment and Jay didn't catch it. He shut down immediately, curled up and went to sleep…and hadn't let go of that goddamn blanket since then.
XXXXXXX
The next day
He was a bit drugged out, but awake nonetheless, staring at the ceiling but not really seeing it through the blur of tear filled eyes. Being proven wrong again that he couldn't protect himself had left him numb but now the pins and needles that came with the return of the feelings were starting to poke.
Will had been visiting Jay on his breaks and every time he walked into the room, no matter how smooth he went about it, Jay would still flinch, this time was no different.
He never knew how or if he should address the flinching, so the visits always started with a heavy awkwardness. But this time he had a way to avoid the awkwardness with a lighter moment that had been coming few and far between these days - he walked in just as Jay's tongue poked out and rolled over his split lip, causing him to wince.
Using his big brother knows best tone, he scolded, "You know, if you leave it alone it wouldn't hurt."
Jay's eyes left the ceiling and caught Will's for a moment when he sat down. A corner of his mouth turned up at his brother's snarky statement, but he couldn't help it, his split lip was driving him nuts.
He rolled his eyes at himself or maybe Will for being right when his little half grin caused the cut to open up and bleed.
"Shit."
Grabbing a tissue, Will handed it off to his brother with fake exasperation, "Here idiot…you're just making it worse."
He held the tissue to his lip after taking a quick swipe at his eyes with it and went back to staring at the ceiling reminding himself to breathe…breathe…
Will couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes. His brother had been through so much in his life and the last two weeks was just more hell piled on.
Jay checked the tissue then balled it up and let it tumble off his palm to the side table. Their eyes met again when Jay's swung back to the ceiling and he could see his little brother wanted to talk…to say something and was gearing up to let it out.
After getting up and shutting the door, Will pulled his chair closer to the bed. He was even with Jay's hip now and wanted to hold his hand but it was the broken one, so he opted for touching his fingers, "What's up?"
He knew it would normally be a stupid question because there was a shitload of stuff up, but he could tell there was at least one thing his little brother needed to get off his chest. He was right, Jay let it all out starting with what anyone else might think was an exasperated groan, but to Will it was dripping in sadness.
"Uhhhhhh…it happened again…" he sucked in a breath and winced at the pain it caused his broken ribs, "…and I couldn't…"
Rolling his head to the left, he looked at Will and not the ceiling. The movement let loose a tear from the corner of his eye to roll down his cheek and onto the pillow. He wiped at the right side of his face where another tear had escaped and rolled along his nose to his lips.
"I've always been able to take care of myself, thought I always would be able to take care of myself, and those guys, those guys…" he shook his head, "…those
first guys, they had me Will, they had me…I wouldn't have…I couldn't fight them and it…they would have…"
breathe
Looking away, he pulled in a deep breath and released it before meeting Will's eyes again, grateful when he saw Will got it and wouldn't have to continue with that line of thought.
He pursed his lips and caused the split to bleed again but he just wiped it absentmindedly, not realizing or caring that it left a smear of blood under his lip.
"It scared me…not the almost of it, of what they were going to do to me…but ya…okay, ya the 'almost' too…but more, they took that belief…" he took in another breath, this one stuttered, "…the belief I could take care of myself…they took it…then this guy…Will…"
His lips trembled and his eyes flooded with tears and he couldn't spit it out, his new truth was clogged in his throat. He wanted to say it but didn't really know how to articulate it.
"After the first time…"
breathe
He sucked in another breath and slowly released it toward his feet, then tipping his head to the side, looked at his brother and continued.
"…after the first time, nightmares would wake me up and I would think about it and it scared me but I thought I might be able to get it back…I was probably kidding myself, but I needed to…it would take a while but I could get it back…but then the guy in my apartment…"
Choking out the words, they were almost unrecognizable, garbled by tears and a tight throat, "…I don't think I can get it back…"
He was scared, embarrassed and didn't want to say the next part out loud, but said it anyway, what did it matter now.
"I'm so fucking scared Will and I can't get a handle on it."
Grinding his teeth and working his jaw, the anger comes through, "I know, I fucking know it was…the second…I know it was only three fucking days ago but
fucking God Will, it's all so big, it's too fucking big and I can't get a handle, and if I don't…"
He blinked at his older brother, biting his lip hard and drawing blood again. Swiping it angrily away, he ground out his worst nightmare of the whole fucking mess, "I can't be a fucking cop Will…if I can't get a handle on it…if I'm afraid all the fucking time…I can't be a cop…I'll get someone killed."
Now that his fear was exposed and laid out for his doctor big brother to lovingly dissect with his intelligence, he thought maybe Will could… He stopped the thought in its tracks…it was a stupid thought - that Will could fix it…make it better because he was a doctor and smart…the straws he was grasping at weren't even straws just brittle air.
He looked at the ceiling again, knocked his head into the pillow and let hopeless tears roll unfettered.
Will had no answer for his brother. He knew Jay was scared, the flinches and hyperawareness now that his drugs were reduced spelled it out for anyone to see. The second attack happened three days ago. So most of what his little brother was feeling was normal and Jay knew that.
It was that other trauma, the one unique to Jay - the obliteration of a core belief about himself, that might be his little brother's undoing. Especially if he lost the job he loved because of it.
XXXXXXX
One month out of the hospital
"Jay, I'm going to be blunt here for a moment…"
He nodded his head. This was one of the reasons he liked his therapist. She was blunt. He wanted blunt, he wanted the fucking truth. He wasn't getting, was having a hard time getting passed this shit…his shit. He wanted to eventually go back to work but only if mentally and emotionally qualified to do so. No matter how much it would hurt to lose his job, it would hurt more to get someone killed.
"…your core belief wasn't realistic, but the strength behind it is very real.
"Mourning the loss of that belief has left you blind to the strength from which it grew. That is and will be the biggest part of your struggle. Until you can see the truth of who you are and accept it, it will continue to be a roadblock in your healing.
"You are an excellent detective, were an excellent Ranger. You are a highly skilled sniper, tactician and close quarter combat specialist but you are also just a man, highly skilled, but a man nonetheless.
"That unrealistic core belief of yours is taking something from you when you need it most…who you really are.
"You can take care of yourself Jay. You fought back to the best of your ability, you didn't lay down and give up - that is who you are Jay. They took your belief, your opinion of yourself, crushed it and left the truth of the matter. Think about it, your real core essence Jay, is that you are a fighter and you will never give up the fight. That is who you are and that is what you did.
XXXXXXX
Three months out of the hospital
When the report from the department shrink landed on Voight's desk, he was prepared for the usual single page of sparse content. They all knew how to get by the shrink, what to say to get back to work. Jay more than the others. He'd learned interrogation techniques in the Rangers. Jay would always be able to skirt by and be reinstated without divulging the full truth of the matter.
So when a dense, three page report landed on his desk, he was shocked then shocked again when the shrink included direct quotes from Jay in his assessment.
[I feel I'm ready to come back, that's why I'm sitting here right now but whether or not that happens is your decision and I want, no, I need it to be an informed one.]
[I could pass this assessment with flying colors. You and I both know that. But I can't do that. I can't pass for the sake of doing what I love again. I can't put my team, the public and myself at risk by telling you half truths to back up lies you
would believe without a doubt. I can't fake it until I make it here. It'll get someone killed.]
Jay had been beaten, drugged and almost raped twice. The undercover was one thing, terrible in and of itself, but to find out the second asshole, the pharmacist, had stalked him for almost a month and he didn't catch it, was another and they all knew Jay had been struggling with it.
[It wasn't so much that I was almost raped two times, but that the attacks had taken away a core belief I had about himself. They fucking shattered it and because of that, I was afraid I wouldn't make it back to the force… wouldn't, couldn't make it back to myself.]
The kid took a risk of getting himself medically retired but couldn't afford to care…he needed to tell the truth. He laid it all out in black and white and turned a spotlight on any gray - he had his personal therapist send a 'don't mince words, send him the truth please' report to the shrink.
[I've been seeing a therapist a couple of times a week since it happened. It's helped…]
REDACTED
[…Hell, I wouldn't even be here talking to you if I tried to go it alone, which was my usual M.O. and I'll continue to see her no matter what happens here.]
Voight knew what a crock of shit psych eval looked like. He knew the lies and half truths verbatim, he had said them a time or two himself through his career but he had never, in all his years as a sergeant, seen one that was the God's honest truth from start to finish.
Jay had told the truth and would be on desk duty the following week, in the field the week after he cleared his physical. He had never been so proud of the kid.
XXXXXXX
Back to work one month 5 days and six hours.
They'd been working a high profile case for the better part of a week when the need for someone to go undercover came up.
Voight didn't hesitate putting Adam on it; and whether anyone else realized it or not, Jay knew it was a situation where he would usually go in.
He followed Voight into his office, put his hands on his hips and sighed as soon as his boss sat down.
Voight leaned back and waited for the kid to speak, knowing he'd been busted for trying to protect Jay and realized now, hell, maybe even when he did it, it was a stupid move.
"I can do my job Hank."
He blew out a breath, frustrated with himself. "I know you can Kid. I just…"
Jay dipped his chin and raised an eyebrow.
"Ya ya. Go get ready. I'll let the team know."
Jay got to the door then turned back with a genuine smile that morphed into a smirk, "Thanks Hank. I appreciate it."
Heading into the bullpen to inform the team of the change, Hank hummed in amusement. He wasn't sure if the kid's thanks was for the sentiment behind trying to protect him or for pulling his head out of his ass when he realized his mistake in doing so. Knowing Jay, probably both, but that didn't matter right now. The kid was the right person for the undercover and he was going in.
The end.
XXXXXXX
XXXXXXX
Okay…end of story dropped, I hope you liked it. I'm going to lure Barbara out of the trunk now with a peanut butter ice cream bribe. Can't way to see what the fuck kind of shenanigans she's has up her sleeve.
In the mean time, thanks for your kudos, comments, patience and your support as always! You, my peeps are the bombdiggity.
Stay safe! Big smooch for you all!
