Chapter 243 – Jack's Struggle

Once Frank had all the meat browned and set aside, he then diced the onions and minced the garlic and did a quick saute of them before putting them in the two large Dutch ovens. He then added the carrots to the Dutch ovens. Then he took some of the red wine and scraped off the browned bits in the skillets. He added everything to the Dutch ovens. He then added everything except the potatoes to the Dutch ovens. He put them over the heat and cooked everything for a few minutes and stirred in the flour until the mixture started to thicken. Once that happened, he added the seared beef and cubed potatoes and a little more broth and wine. He brought everything to a boil and let them simmer for about six minutes. While that was happening, he got the oven heating. After he let the stew simmer for six minutes he covered both Dutch ovens and put them in the heated oven just as Gran and Trish came back into the house.

"Thank you for doing that." Gran said. "I thought we would be back, the rain slowed down."

"It was fine." Frank said. "I don't mind. I actually like to cook."

"Well." Gran said. "You are free to help in the kitchen anytime."

"I will keep that in mind over the next couple of weeks." Frank said.

Frank, Lee and Elizabeth went and helped carry in the things that Trish and Gran had picked up in town. Everyone except Frank started putting things away who started the dishes so they could keep up with them.

"Do you want us to cut up these fruit and veggies?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yes." Gran said. "But put them in their own container and label the other ones as 'use first' please."

"We can do that." Lee said.

"Is JP still sleeping?" Gran asked.

"I will go check on him in a bit." Father Mark said.

"Normally, I would let him sleep." Gran said. "But I don't want him to be up all night again if he sleeps too late."

"Let me just take care of these and then I will go." Father Mark said.

Father Mark put the things in his hands away and then headed downstairs to check on Jack. Lee and Elizabeth washed the fruit and veggies in the back sink while Frank was doing dishes. They then got the cutting boards out so that they could chop them up. Trish and Gran sat down with a cup of coffee to warm up. They had gotten chilled with the rain and the car that they had taken didn't have heated seats, so they hadn't been able to warm up as much as they thought.

At one point, Elizabeth went downstairs and changed laundry loads. She took her clothes to her room and left the rest in the laundry room. She was going to ask the boys to fold their laundry later. She noticed that Doug, Nathan and the girls had come back and were working out in the gym. She hadn't heard them come in, but they had been busy in the kitchen.

Father Mark got downstairs and stopped for a moment. He really didn't want to wake Jack, but he also knew what Gran was saying about him sleeping too late and not sleeping tonight. As he heard the group or at least some of them, from the stable come into the gym he headed to Jack's room. Once again Father Mark paused when he was outside of the room that he shared with Jack. Father Mark opened the door and saw Jack sitting on the floor with his back against Father Mark's bed. Jack was only wearing the shorts that he had worn to bed. Father Mark looked at Jack, then walked over to him and sat down next him on the floor.

Jack had heard the door open and briefly glanced up as he shut his sketchbook. He didn't say anything, but just dropped his eyes to his lap as Father Mark walked in and over to him. He waited until Father Mark had settled on the floor next to him, but still didn't say anything. The only thing that Jack had done was close and shift his sketchbook away from where Father Mark had sat.

"Morning." Father Mark said.

"Morning." Jack mumbled.

"How long have you been up?" Father Mark asked.

"Up or out of bed?" Jack countered.

"Both." Father Mark said.

"I heard you or whomever come in earlier and to get the laundry hamper." Jack said. "I tried to go back to sleep, but when I couldn't I got up and moved down here to draw. So I have been out of bed for about twenty-five minutes or so."

"So you have plans to leave this room?" Father Mark asked. "Gran and Trish have beef stew started for lunch. They had gone into town and are back. Nathan, Doug and the twins have taken care of the horses. The girls are having or had a lesson down at the arena. Elizabeth, Lee and Frank have started the laundry."

"Good." Jack said. "I am just not up to dealing with people quite yet. With the rain and everything, I know that I am not going to be riding down at the track. I have already texted Manny, who texted back that he was going to have one of the hands pony Midnight's Run, just so he can get some exercise and see how he does moving with another horse close by. He said if it cleared off, he was going to turn the horses out into the large paddock this afternoon."

"Good." Father Mark said. "If it is nice, maybe you can ride him tomorrow, even with the holiday. Since we both know that rain and holidays don't stop the work around here."

Jack nodded.

"So are you going to talk to me about what is going on or are you just going to continue to struggle?" Father Mark asked.

"You know that you are annoying sometimes." Jack said, bumping his shoulder into Father Mark's.

"But you love me, anyway." Father Mark teased.

Jack just shook his head.

"Seriously." Father Mark said. "I am just trying to help you. I know that you are struggling and even if it is embarrassing to talk to me about what is going on, you need to talk to someone. I just thought since I might understand that it would be easier to talk to me then someone else. Come on, if you don't talk about things and start to open up, I am not going to agree to you marrying Elizabeth in August. I can't in good conscience allow you to enter into one of the most important relationships in your life until you start to open up. You also need to eventually open up to Elizabeth about what is going on, but I am not going to push you that hard on that this week. But it needs to happen.

So you want to start with telling me what happened last night after I left you in the sitting room. From what I understand you didn't come to be until early this morning. I didn't hear you because I was out myself after intensely praying for you and Elizabeth. I literally was crying out to God on your behalf last night. I, myself, barely remember crawling into bed, but that is not the point. I want to hear about you last night."

"I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for an hour or so." Jack said. "I was trying to work things out in my head and would get frustrated so I would go from a nice even pace to almost sprinting then back down again. Once I started to physically feel tired, I went and sat under the ice cold shower for a long time. I wanted to numb my body as well as my mind. I remember putting muscle rub on and then grabbing my silk lounge pants. I was going to sit against the brick wall for a bit and just let my body recover. I pulled my knees up and dropped my head to my arms laid across them, the next thing I remember is starting to cry. I couldn't control it, I cried for what felt like forever. I remember shaking and gasping for air. I don't know if I fell asleep or passed out in the gym. I woke up at about three when there was a huge clap of thunder right outside the window above my head. I slowly made my way to the room here, crawled in bed and collapsed again. I don't think I moved all night."

"Couple questions." Father Mark said. "Did you work anything out in your head? Do you know why you were crying? How are you feeling now?"

"I worked a few things out." Jack said. "But they weren't the things I need to work on according to you. I was able to work out a few things about business, even though I know that is the least important of things right now. I don't know why I was crying. I just started and couldn't stop. It has been happening more and more, the last few weeks. I think part of it is that I opened that door and now it won't close. It is like opening it, blew it off its hinges and the minute I try to relax, everything comes pouring out. I can't even put into words what was going through my mind as I was crying. I remember a few snippets of things. It is like a movie playing in my head, but someone has cut up all the scenes and just randomly pieced them back together. It is almost like someone took fifteen years of photographs, dumped them in a bin, shook it up and then just randomly started laying them out. Does that make sense?"

"In a way, it does." Father Mark said. "How are you feeling now?"

"Drained." Jack said. "I am mentally and emotionally drained. Physically, I am sore. Nothing that I can't deal with, but it is the mental and emotional drain that I am struggling with. I don't want to have to think about anything that requires me to make decisions, because I don't have the energy. That was why I was drawing, it is something that I can do that doesn't require much if any mental energy. I tried to look at my stocks this morning and quickly got frustrated because it was so exhausting looking at the numbers and trying to think about what I wanted to do."

"That I understand." Father Mark said. "Maybe a slow day around the house is what you need then. No one is going to fault you for that. However, I would like you to get dressed and at least come up and have lunch with everyone. You don't have to participate in the conversation if you don't want to, but I think it would be good for you to sit and eat with everyone."

"I can do that." Jack said.

"Before that happens." Father Mark said. "I want you to answer two questions for me."

"I will try." Jack said.

"Fair enough." Father Mark said. "One – are you having any doubts about Elizabeth, I am talking because she is not a virgin, or because she is not Catholic, anything? Two – do you think that some of your problems right now stem from never dealing with everything around what happened to my sister?"

Jack just stared at Father Mark slack-jawed and wide eyed. How did he know? Jack was struggling with what happened to Elizabeth. He knew that it wasn't her fault and he in no way blamed her. He was just struggling because he knew that because some other young man was selfish and careless, he was going to have to deal with the fallout. He was scared that trying to be intimate with Elizabeth was going to be harmful to her. He didn't want to traumatize her with an act that should be loving and joyful. He also didn't want to physically hurt her. He honestly didn't care if she was Catholic, as long as she was respectful of his beliefs. He saw that she was at least trying to learn more about his faith and be more understanding and that was enough for Jack at the moment.

As far as the second question, Jack didn't want to go there and that said a lot to him, but he wasn't ready to talk about those things. Part of the reason he didn't want to go there was because he would have to deal with his own guilt and actions around the whole Laura situation. He might have to admit something out loud that he was scared to voice. He didn't want to hurt anyone more than they had already been hurt in the whole situation, but he was also entitled to his feelings, even if most people would think that they might be wrong. No matter how much he tried, he had not been able to come to another conclusion about it.

"Are you going to answer me or just stare at me in disbelief?" Father Mark asked. "I am going to assume by your reaction that I am close to something. So talk to me."

"I don't have any doubts about Elizabeth." Jack said. "I do have concerns that us being together – physically, might be traumatic for her. I am pretty sure she had never dealt with what happened. I don't want to hurt her, but am afraid I will. I want her to want us to be intimate, but I am also concerned she is not prepared for it. I might be a virgin, but I also have gotten a pretty good education of things, especially what not to do from other young men I have known. I have also had two intense, very awkward conversations with Devin when I was about twelve or thirteen. He knew some in the medical field, so he got a few medical texts that talk about intimate relations and showed me."

"Okay." Father Mark said. "So you have knowledge of the mechanics, shall we call it. From what I understand having counseled many couples, there is a whole different emotional impact when it is with someone that you truly love. I want you both to be prepared for things to be emotional and to be understanding."

"I am hearing you." Jack said. "I am still worried about the physical part with Elizabeth more than anything. She is the one that can be physically hurt, and that is the absolute last thing I want."

"Then you are going to have to have a conversation with her about it." Father Mark said. "No matter how embarrassing it will be for either of you. What about the rest? Her faith? The money? School? Kids?"

"I think the faith thing is fine." Jack said. "She truly wants to learn more about the Catholic faith. She mentioned RCIA classes. I know us not sharing the same faith can create problems, but I think only if we let it. If we make an effort to understand each other, I trust we will be okay.

I think money is always going to be a problem of some sort. I grew up with it and am used to certain things. She didn't grow up in that world. I am not saying she can't learn to be comfortable at fundraisers or charity balls, but just that I have had more practice. I think we are on the same page when it comes to money and the children – they earn things and learn to appreciate what they have.

School is not a problem. We have talked about things. I know that we will have to adjust as we go and then again if and when Elizabeth is pregnant.

I don't think we have specifically spoken about children other then we want them. There was also the whole awkward conversation about birth control. I am glad that Caitlin spoke to her about it from a completely different view, taking religion out of it and just talking about the side effects and the difficulties that have been learned taking it long term. It seemed like things were better after that conversation."

"And Laura?" Father Mark asked.

Jack didn't say anything, but just stood up and tried to walk away, but Father Mark grabbed his arm.

"You need to talk about it." Father Mark said.

Jack pulled his arm away and went over to the desk and leaned on it, trying to calm his rolling emotions. Father Mark came over and gently placed his hand on Jack's shoulder.

"You can tell me." Father Mark said.

"No, I can't." Jack huffed.

"Jack." Father Mark said. "I promise there is nothing you can't talk to me about. Especially when it comes to family."

"You would hate me." Jack said softly, wiping the tears that threatened to spill over.

"I would never hate you." Father Mark said.

"Yes, you would." Jack countered. "I can't even say it out loud right now. I have only ever said it out loud twice and it wasn't well received either time."

"Fine." Father Mark said. "I won't push you, but you need to talk about it."

Jack nodded.

"I will let you get dressed." Father Mark said.

"I will be up in a little bit." Jack said.

"Okay." Father Mark said, ruffling Jack's already wild hair.

Jack pulled away and glared at Father Mark.

"You might want to do something with that hair before you scare the women." Father Mark teased.