Chapter 17

Jennie

Lisa doesn't need to say it for me to know: her mom calling at dawn can't be a good thing. She sits up and takes the phone from me.

"Are you going to call her back?"

"I will later. You should go back to sleep so you're not tired. I fucked you hard before we went to bed. Didn't you say I wore you out?"

She's trying to lighten the mood, I know. And she really did wear me out. How she functions so well on so little sleep is beyond me. While I appreciate her efforts to downplay this for my sake, I know she shouldn't.

"Something could be wrong with—"

"I'll call her later. Lay down and I'll rub your back."

"I won't be able to sleep. Because now I'm worried."

Lisa lets out a sigh. "I didn't want him to take up any of your time or energy, Jennie."

"Yeah, but he is and he will. He's your brother, Lisa. He's messed up and made bad choices, but you said it yourself. He can't help it and has a disease."

"It's not an excuse."

"I know it's not. And I don't want to worry, but I do. I worry for you."

Lisa looks up at me, dark circles under her eyes. This beautiful woman needs a break.

"I'm fine."

"Lisa," I say gently. "You know what I mean. He's your brother and no matter how mad you are at him, I know you care deep down."

She nods. "I'll call her back."

I adjust my pillow and lean back against the headboard, putting one hand on Lisa's thigh.

"Hey, Mom," she says into the phone. "Yeah, I was sleeping. It's okay. What's—" She pauses for a few seconds. "Again?" Her eyes fall shut and she shakes her head. "I'm in Chicago with Jennie. I'll call Bambam and let him know. Thanks. Mom, no. It's not your fault."

I swallow hard, not sure if the lump rising in my throat is morning sickness or a sick feeling knowing what Lisa and her parents have to go through over and over again.

"Call me if you hear anything." She hangs up and tosses the phone onto the mattress. "Bobby left rehab again. My mom thought he might come to Indy and see me again."

"Oh, wow. Is he allowed to do that?"

"Leave rehab?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't court ordered or anything, so yeah, he can leave of his own free will. He needs to go to court ordered rehab," Lisa grumbles. She brings her hands to her head, rubbing her temples and leans back. "It's fine, Jennie. Please don't worry. You have enough going on and you don't need to be stressed."

"I know," I say softly. "I care about you, Lisa. I love you. Your family is going to be mine too—in a sense I mean. Since Ella will go to family events on your side as well as mine."

Fuck. I'm making things awkward, which is something I'm good at. I didn't mean to insinuate that Ella will be at her family events because we're splitting custody or whatever.

"And I'll be there too," I add. And I really do hope I am there with Lisa. I'm so in love with her. I can't imagine ever not being in love with this person.

"Yeah. You're right." Her eyes fall shut. "I should call Bambam and let him know there's a chance Bobby heads south again."

I sit up, intending on grabbing Lisa's phone for her. But the sick feeling comes back and I clamp my hand over my mouth, scrambling out of bed just in time to throw up in the toilet. Lisa hurries in after me, gathering my hair and holding it out of the way.

"It came out my nose," I groan, taking the towel Lisa hands me. "I'm in the second trimester. Is this ever going to stop?"

"Yes. I'm sure it will." She smooths my hair back. "There's barf in your hair. I'll start the shower."

"Call Bambam first."

Lisa's face tightens, and she shakes her head. "It can wait. It takes hours to drive down from Michigan to Indy. Bobby doesn't have money or up-to-date ID to buy plane tickets."

"Okay."

Lisa pulls me to my feet and starts the shower, getting fresh towels from the linen closet. I rinse out my mouth and strip out of my clothes. I'm up several hours before I need to get up for work, and I know I'll be tired later. But I can tough it out for Lisa.

Lisa washes my hair, and while a wash-the-vomit-out-of-your-hair is anything but sexy, there's a certain intimacy between us right now. I close my eyes and tip my head up, rinsing my hair. We finish showering in silence, and while I'm getting dressed, Lisa says she's going to make breakfast.

I put clean pajamas back on, brush and dry my hair, and go into the kitchen to find Lisa sitting on the floor petting the cats. She's holding a piece of bacon and they're swarming her, meowing and rubbing against her in hopes for more.

"Eggs and bacon? You spoil me, Lis."

She looks up, breaking off another piece of bacon for Luca. "You deserve it. And I've never seen cats beg like this."

"Oh, they're terrible. Lego wasn't that bad until he moved in with us. The others are bad influence," I laugh. "They never got over being alley cats, I think. They act like they have to eat everything or they'll starve to death."

"They're definitely not starving."

"I know." I pick up Leo. "They're all fat."

Lisa breaks up the rest of the bacon and gives it to the cats before getting up. She washes her hands and takes our plates, bringing them into the dining room.

"I rarely eat in here," I tell her. "It's nice."

"This whole place is nice. I still can't get over the view."

"That's what sold me on it. And it's close to work. Can't beat that."

"No, you can't."

I put another fork full of eggs in my mouth, watching Lisa's face. Now would be a good time to bring up living arrangements post-baby. We're talking about my apartment after all. I finish chewing and take a drink of water, trying to plan out in my head what I want to say out loud.

Problem is, I don't really know what I want, other than us being together. The reality of us having separate and opposite careers screams at me. Lisa's worked so hard to get to where she is, and she wants to keep going to further her career. And I've busted my ass to rise up in the company I work for, and have to prove myself over and over that I'm just as smart and capable as the men I work with.

Lisa likes her job.

I like my job.

But I love her.

One of us is going to have to compromise.

"Are you feeling sick again?" Lisa asks, and I realize that I stopped eating.

"No, just tired. And deep in thought."

Lisa picks up the last piece of her bacon. "About what?"

"If I should go back to work after I have Ella."

"Oh. I've wondered about that too. What do you want to do?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. I like my job, but I think I'm going to like being a mom too."

I always knew I would get married and have kids someday. I tried not to let myself think too far ahead and risk feeling sorry for myself since I had no prospects in sight, but I imagined being home with my children like Mom was home with us. But now I have a job I really enjoy, and I don't know what to do.

"If it helps," Lisa starts, picking up her coffee. "You don't have to work. I'm still a resident now, but once I get a job, I'll make more than enough to support us all."

I smile, but her words make me realize how much we have to talk about. We never discussed finances or anything serious like that. Though those are topics usually discussed before getting married, when debts and assets combine. Lisa and I aren't getting married, though having her baby is more binding. I can't divorce her from being Ella's father.

"I don't want you to feel obligated to support me."

"I don't," she says right away, setting her coffee down. She looks into my eyes and my heart flutters. "I want us to live together," she says and looks relieved as soon as the words leave her lips. Has she been wanting to say that for a while too?

"You do?"

"Of course. I love you and love waking up next to you. I like making you breakfast and taking a shower with you. And when Ella is born, I want to be there. Yeah, she wasn't planned, and things aren't exactly worked out yet, but I love you and I love her, and I want us to be a family."

"Me too," I tell her, not sure why I dreaded this conversation as much as I did. We're at the tip of the iceberg with a lot left to discuss and figure out, but at least I know for sure we're on the same page.

Lisa phone rings, and we both tense. She grabs it, lips pressing into a thin line. "It's the hospital."

"On your day off?"

"I never really get time off," she sighs. "Don't worry, they can't make me go in or anything today. I'm already maxed out on hours." She flashes a smile. "But I did tell the nurses to call me with progress on patients."

"You're a good doctor."

She answers the phone, going over a progress report with a nurse and gives an order for a medication increase.

"So what happens if you're like out of the country on vacation?" I ask when she hangs up.

"There's always someone on call. On the weekends it's usually other residents. I know which surgical resident is on all this weekend." She makes a face. "That's why I asked the nurse to call me."

I laugh. "So this might be a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask it."

"Shoot."

"Med school is hard. Like really hard. So how does a not-so-good doctor get to the point of performing surgery?"

Lisa laughs. "I'd like to know that myself. Some people are book smart and might do really well in something like family practice but can't handle the stress and pressure of anything more urgent."

"Makes sense."

"And not all med schools are created equal." She finishes her coffee and yawns. "We have time to lay down. You've already showered and eaten breakfast. Want to go back to sleep?"

I take another bite of eggs and nod. Going back to our conversation about living together is ideal too, but we have limited time and that's a big topic to discuss. Still, I know I'll be distracted at work and can't be held responsible for searching for houses for sale in the suburbs.

"You're in a good mood. Did you get laid before you came in or something?" Marissa asks a little too loudly. A few others in the breakroom turn and look at me.

"Yes," I say, noting the surprise in their eyes. I might be a nerd, but I'm not a prude. Obviously. Though as Marissa pointed out this morning, what I know is my baby looks like I ate too much for breakfast to anyone who doesn't know me. "Lisa is in town. Though it's more than that." I add granola to my yogurt and grab another bowl to fill with fruit. There were complaints about our breakfast spread being 'unhealthy'. Instead of pointing out that everyone in the office should be happy we even provide food in the morning, we simply added healthier options. The company has money for it, after all.

Waiting until we're in the hall and headed to my office, I look around and make sure no one is in earshot. "Lisa told me she loves me and wants to live together so we can raise Ella as a family."

"That's great!"

"I know!" I smile, feeling my whole heart swell up inside of me. I focus on the happy, purposely ignoring the fact that wanting something doesn't mean it's going to happen. We still live miles and miles apart. Lisa has no idea where she's going to end up. She could be in school, so to speak, for another one to three years.

"And we talked about me going back to work after Ella is born."

Marissa turns to me, face paling. "Are you not coming back?"

"I honestly don't know. I feel really conflicted." We go into my office. "I love it here. But I also know I'm going to love being a mom. Lisa said she's happy to provide for us too. I mean, she'll make a very decent living as a surgeon. It's not like we couldn't afford for me to stay home."

She snickers. "You'd make a good trophy wife."

"We're not married."

"Not yet." She raises her eyebrows.

"Easy tiger," I say, holding up my hand. I flip it around. "No ring."

She laughs. "She's crazy about you. I could tell just from the two minutes we were together. I bet she'll put a ring on it before the baby pops out."

That weird squirmy flutter is back, and I put my hand over my stomach, gently pressing down as if that'll help me feel Ella moving. "Being crazy about each other isn't the same thing as having a relationship and getting engaged."

"I'd ask if you were drunk, but I know how serious you are about avoiding anything bad for the baby."

I make a face. "Why would you think I'm drunk?"

"Because you're not making any sense. She's crazy about you. How is that any different?"

"Because as much as I love Lisa—which I really truly do—how can she know this is what she wants?"

"Uh, because she said she fucking loves you." Marissa takes a bite of her donut. "Stop doubting yourself."

I nod, putting both hands on my stomach. "I know I am. But I'm trying to be practical. It's not just my heart on the line here."

Marissa nods and puts her food on my desk. "Do you think Lisa is going to flake out or something?"

"No. I just…" I close my eyes in a long blink. I've been keeping this from everyone, even myself, since Lisa and I started dating. "I don't want her to regret this in a year, ya know? I don't want Ella to think we're a family and then have us split up."

"Are you worried you're going to regret this in a year?"

"No. But I need to be realistic. People who get married just because they're having a baby together don't always have the best relationship. We're not living together. She doesn't know the bad side of Jennie Kim yet. While I love to believe I'm perfect, I'm sure there are plenty of little things about me that will annoy her. Like my obsession with cats. Or the way I put off doing laundry until I have to wear bikini bottoms as underwear."

"Don't you think she has weird things too?"

"Yes, I'm sure she does. What if they annoy me too much?"

"And what if they don't? I totally get what you're saying about people trying to make things work after an accidental pregnancy, but it's not like you and Lisa are some random hookup. You've known her since you were fucking fourteen years old."

I take a moment to let that sink in. There's no one safer than Lisa. I might not know the nitty-gritty, but I know her. I've known her for years. And she's known me.

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right."

Marissa smiles and I realize she only asked 'what' so I'd repeat myself and say she was right twice. Laughing, I shake my head and pick up my yogurt, wanting to eat the granola before it gets soggy.

"Okay, fine. I do trust her. I'm scared things are too good to be true. She seemed really set on being a family and living together, and mentioning how she'd have a job makes me think she's leaning away from the fellowship and more toward getting her big-boy job. Hopefully here in Chicago or…or…"

"Or?"

"In Eastwood."

Marissa's eyes widen. "Eastwood?"

"Don't hate me."

"I could never hate you. Unless you quit your job, had a beautiful baby and moved to the quintessential town featured in every Hallmark Channel movie."

I purse my lips, staring at her. "Then I guess you might hate me. Though it's a small chance. Very small. The hospital in Eastwood is small, and I don't think Lisa would be happy there. And she mentioned a while ago that the smaller the surgical team, the more on-call hours she'll have. Bigger hospitals have bigger teams and more people to pool from for on-call shifts."

"That makes sense."

I nod. "She really likes being a surgeon."

"I'd hope so, after a million years of school. But she likes you more."

I smile again. "Yeah. I think so too."