Where Everybody Knows Your Name
The minister stands before the couple. The bride blushes. The groom beams. They face each other, hand in hand. "By the virtue of the authority vested in me by the State of Massachusetts and American Marriage Ministries, I now pronounce you—"
"I'm here! I'm here!" Sam huffs out as he bursts into the room, his hair is in complete disarray, his shirt untucked, and his tie lays crooked around his neck. He blinks the tiredness away as he searches for Diane or Carson, or any familiar face, among the small crowd. But nothing, no one; only strangers stare back at him. He hums in embarrassment. "Sorry," he says nervously. "Wrong room, I guess." Slowly, he backs away toward the door. "I'm getting married, too, you see, and I kind of… overslept." He trails off as he's met with more silence. Clearing his throat, Sam says his goodbyes: "So hey, uh, I'm gonna let you two get back to it. Congratulations by the way."
He hurries through the hallway, tucking in his shirt as he moves. Oversleeping wasn't exactly the plan, but his head hit the pillow and he just went out like a light—it ain't the glory days anymore. All nighters aren't like they used to be. Diane, he suspects, will give him an earful but hopefully he can salvage the day.
Everything's a blur as he moves through the hall and then—whack! He crashes into somebody, nearly knocking both of them down.
"Oh, dear me—sorry," Diane's distressed voice rings in his ear as he steadies himself. He looks up; tired eyes blink at him. "Sam…"
Something unsettling bubbles inside him. "Oh, honey… I'm sorry," Sam starts. Diane frowns as she fixes her slightly messy hair and smoothes the creases on her white skirt. "I guess I left my phone at the bar and… and my alarm didn't go off…" He takes a good look at her: dressed in all white, her impromptu wedding outfit catches him off guard. She looks beautiful. His hands drift to her waist. "And, ah, just look at you—you're absolutely stunning."
He leans in for a kiss, but she pulls away from his touch. "Sam. Am I correct to assume you're just now getting here?"
"Well, um…" He rubs the back of his neck, feeling the guilt seep out of him.
She takes a step back. "I can't believe you. This is supposed to be one of the most important moments of our lives, Sam, and you nearly slept through it."
"Diane—"
But Carson, dressed similarly to him in a suit and tie, emerges from a nearby room. "There you are," she says. "Where have you guys been? We're all waiting."
His eyes drift back to Diane, who shifts in discomfort. He suddenly notices her equally unkempt hair and untidy outfit, and the tiredness lingering in her eyes. He points accusingly, but her demeanor changes quickly. "You're here now. That's all that matters, I suppose." She fixes her hair, then follows Carson quickly into the room.
Sam stomps after her. "Hey, wait a minute. Wait just a minute," he says irritably, ignoring Carla's shriek at the sight of them, still together. Maybe they're destined to always be like this: the cat chasing the mouse. "What about you? Where the hell have you been?"
Diane shifts uncomfortably. "We'll discuss this later, Sam," she says quietly. "You're making a scene."
"No, no… I wanna discuss this now." He glances at his friends, all sitting and enjoying the Sam and Diane show. Like the glory days. Norm even snuck in beer. He rolls his eyes at their own predictably and pulls her outside again.
"Sam—"
"What happened to all that talk about honesty, huh? Last night you said we were only ever going to work if we were honest with each other about everything." He wipes his face, paces beside her. "I mean, yeah I… I overslept. It happened and I'm sorry. But I was honest to you about it. Why can't you be honest with me, Diane?"
"Because Sam, if…" She stops, unable to continue. Tears form in her tired eyes. She takes a deep breath before continuing, "If we both overslept, then perhaps on some unconscious level we feel this relationship and, more importantly, this marriage is a mistake." She pauses to wipe her tears. "And it's not exactly easy for me to admit this aloud to you, Sam."
He takes her hand. "Ah, honey… we overslept because we're two old quacks in need of a bedtime." Their fingers intertwine. "Not because we don't wanna get married." He leans down to kiss her. She allows it to linger. "Whaddya say, huh? Wanna go back in there, finally get hitched?"
She smiles at his choice of words. "It's hard to refuse when you say it like that."
They go back inside, hand in hand. Carla cries out again and Frasier, sitting beside her, cups her mouth to silence her. "I'll keep her mouth covered for the ceremony," he assures.
"Thanks, Frasier," says Sam. And Tatum and Laser stand to greet them. Tatum, holding a small bouquet of white flowers, hugs Diane like an old friend. Diane, though hesitant, accepts it graciously. She turns to Sam for clarification. "Diane, this is Tate. Carson's best friend." He eyes Laser, wondering what Tatum sees in the sleazebag. Why did she have to invite him? "And, uh, Laser."
"I've heard a great deal about you, Tatum," says Diane happily. "The way Sam speaks of you, I would think you were his second daughter."
Sam moves to shake the minister's hand as Tatum says, "I mean he did almost marry my mom…"
Sam claps his hands to get everyone's attention. Suddenly his heart is racing. After all these years; they're finally doing it. "Should we get started?" he asks, smiling as Carson moves to stand next to him.
Tatum gives Diane the flowers and she makes her way over to Sam, though he notices a slight shift in her demeanor. The sparkle in her eyes fades some when she smiles at him. He brushes it off as wedding jitters, nagging thoughts about their conversation before.
He takes her hand again as the minister begins. His entire soul flutters at the sight of her. Diane Chambers, the woman who makes him crazy. Diane Chambers, the woman he loves. What a ride it's been with her. He straightens as the minister turns to him:
"Do you, Sam Malone, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Will you love her, honor her—"
"Wait," interrupts Diane quickly. Why do they always do this? Cat and mouse. "May I speak with you for just a moment, Sam?"
His heart sinks as déjà vu settles. She pulls him off to the side. "What is it? What's the matter?"
"You failed to mention you almost married someone else," Diane says.
"What? You mean Tate's mom?" He glances at their audience. Everyone's staring, leaning in to hear them, including the minister. Frasier still has his hand over Carla's mouth. Cliff quietly passes cash over to Norm, who slides it into his front pocket—once again betting whether they'll marry or not. Tatum and Laser sit quietly together, mouths agape at the sudden stall. "Well, I… I mentioned I was with somebody, didn't I?"
"You never said you almost married her," she says, pouting like she did in the old days. "And you completely omitted the fact that she was Tatum's mother."
"All we did was talk about getting married, Diane. The most that happened was we looked online at a few wedding venues. I didn't even propose to her yet."
"Yet?" she echoes. He rubs his face, regretting his choice of words. "Clearly this was a woman you wanted to marry, Sam, and you make your entire relationship sound so casual."
"I feel like maybe someone should intervene," a concerned Tatum whispers, observing their banter.
"No, no," says Frasier, still covering Carla's mouth. "They're in their natural habitat. They thrive on confrontation. It's the basis of their entire relationship."
"Oh, whaddya want me to do here, Diane? Tell you every little secret I have about every woman I ever dated?" She says nothing. He begins pacing. "Okay—let's see. Let's see here. When I was ten… I dated Annie Jones so I could eat her cookies at lunch. Told her I loved her, but really I loved her mother's chocolate chip cookies. Is that what you wanna hear from me, Diane? Huh?"
"Sam—"
"Girls with extra toes scare me, after a bad experience in high school. Absolutely despise doing it in airplane bathrooms." He looks at her, still unsatisfied. God, she makes him crazy. Absolutely nuts. And yet, he still wants to go through with marrying her. Guess that makes him nuts too. "But that's not enough for you, is it? What's gonna convince you, Diane?" His attention turns to everybody else before she can answer. "How about you guys? Got any secrets you wanna share? Just to get things rolling."
Cliff shoots up out of his chair. "Carla and I have been secretly married since 2015."
The entire room—hell, the entire world—freezes at his confession. Even the pipes and whatever stop to take in the news. Sam's anger vanishes immediately, replaced only with shock and disbelief. He figured something was up between them. But marriage was not what he thought. Finally, Carla bites Frasier's hand to break free—he winces in pain—and attacks Cliff, promising a painful death. Laser manages to pull her away and she squirms in his arms as her husband recovers.
He hears Carson politely ask the minister to leave. Diane tosses her flowers to the ground, her pout returning. The murmuring begins and everyone stands as if the show's now over. He feels his heart pounding as the realization comes to him.
"Wait a minute!" Sam yells over the chatter. Everyone stops again to look at him. "We're not done here." He turns back to Diane. "Hey, I don't think you get it, Diane. I said I wanna marry you. Why are you trying to back out of this?"
"I'm not trying to back out of this, Sam," she claims. "It only looks like I want to back out of it because I know, deep down, you want to back out of it."
"Well, I think you're backing out of this because you want to back out of it. Not because I want to back out of it."
"Sam, I'm not backing out of anything," she tells him seriously.
"No?"
"No!"
"Well, it sounds like you're backing out."
"You don't think I want to marry you?" Diane says. "I want to marry you a whole lot more than you want to marry me."
"Oh—hang on just a minute. There's nothing on this earth I want more than to have you as my wife."
"Are you saying you want to marry me?"
"I do," says Sam. "Are you saying you want to marry me?"
"I do!"
"I now pronounce you husband and wife," says the exasperated minister.
Diane's lips are locked onto his before he can even react. Their audience, after a brief pause of confusion, begins clapping. Carla still squirms in Laser's arms.
They're back at the bar an hour or so later, now man and wife. Carson and Tatum spruced up the place a little to make it look like an actual reception. A handmade 'Just Married' sign hangs in the back with fresh flowers decorating some of the tables. They even bought a small cake for the occasion.
"What I want to know," Sam says, beginning to pour the champagne, "is how you two ended up together?"
"I could ask you the same thing," says Carla, eying Diane beside him. He motions for Diane to ignore her. And Carla finally relents, "Remember I was having all those problems with my foot?"
He remembers vaguely seeing her on crutches. "Yeah, but you got surgery to fix it, didn't you?"
"My health insurance wouldn't cover it," she explains. "But… Clavin's did, so he offered me his hand. I was desperate, Sammy. It's my greatest shame."
"The true shame here is this nation's health care," reflects Diane as Sam hands her the first glass. She moves to get Sam a bottle of water. "Imagine having to marry someone in order to get your basic needs met."
"Yeah, imagine that somebody being Cliff Clavin," says Carla. She shivers, then downs her glass. "No offense, honey," she adds bitterly, looking at Cliff.
"What you did for Carla is very honorable, Clifford," says Diane. "I applaud you."
"Eh, it got Ma off my back," he says, waving it off. There's a gleam in his eyes.
Sam gives Norm his glass. "So, I mean, do you guys"—his eyebrows lift suggestively—"you know?"
In one swift movement Carla's on him, yanking him out of his stool by his curls and throwing him into the back room. "Anybody else feel the need to keep asking questions?"
They move on, quickly. Norm stumbles back toward the bar, his hair askew and his face muddled. Diane dings her glass a few times to get everyone's attention. "I believe as the bride I have the right to a few words," she says, smiling.
"Emphasis on few," says Carla.
"Carla," scolds Sam.
"What? We ain't getting any younger. And she's got this habit of making long speeches."
"It's her wedding day. Her speech can be as long as she wants it to be—go ahead, honey."
"Thank you, Sam. I'll try to be quick," she says. "Forty-one years ago I walked into this bar, expecting my life to be changed forever. And how right I was…" All in all, her speech lasted about five minutes, basically summarizing everything they've been through. Everything they've done that's led them to this moment. But he hangs on to her every word, unlike the old days. She finishes it by bringing up an old friend: "I suppose in some small way Coach was right. We were always destined to come together." He thinks to make a raunchy joke, but holds back. "And, I daresay, we wouldn't be here without him," she continues. "So please join me in raising a glass to honor our dear old friend, Earnest Pantusso."
"Hey—and Rebecca," says Sam quickly.
"To Coach and Rebecca," says Diane easily, "whom I know are both here with us in spirit." Glasses clink and they drink to honor the friends no longer there.
"And to the bride and groom," Frasier adds. Sam kisses Diane and this time, for the first time, Carla doesn't scream.
"After all these years, you've found your way back to each other," gushes Tatum, hugging Laser's arm. "It's, like, something out of a Jane Austen novel."
"Eh, probably more like Emily Brontë," says Carson, sipping her champagne. Sam only nods, not really familiar with any of those names.
"I'm impressed, Sam. Your girls know the works of Austen and Brontë," says Diane. "Hard to believe they're yours."
The front door opens and a young woman enters. Carson stands at the sight of her, suddenly alert. He blinks and sees a vision of his younger self, aroused and ready. Back in the glory days, when he thought with his lower half instead of his brain. But his daughter's a lot better to girls than he ever was. "Woah, who's the babe?"
"Now I see the resemblance," says Diane, smirking.
"We're closed for a few hours," Sam tells the girl reluctantly. "Sort of celebrating a wedding here."
"Sorry—I just saw that you were hiring," the girl explains. He forgot he posted the waitress position last night. Didn't even tell Carson about it. "Figure I check the place out. I'll… come back later when you're open." She turns to leave.
Carson motions for her father to stop her. "Hang on just a minute, uh…?"
"Katie."
"Katie," says Sam. "We got champagne and some cake here, if you wanna stick around for a bit. We can go over your resume after." She hesitates, but moves closer. "I'm Sam Malone. I own this bar. And this is Diane, my wife." And Diane's eyes sparkle at her newfound title. Carson swaggers over to the girl, like Sam might have back in the day. She is his father's daughter, after all. "This is Carson, my daughter and bartender."
He lets Carson do her thing and turns his attention back to Diane. They kiss—with no interruptions from Carla—and when they part, he nuzzles her nose with his own. Her gentle hand strokes his cheek. "Oh, Sam, we're finally here."
He laughs to himself. "Yeah, took us a few decades though."
They kiss again and only part when he hears a banging on the counter. "Hey Sammy," says Norm. "How 'bout some beer?"
He moves to pour his old friend a glass. Diane goes to talk to Laser and Tatum. Carson sits at a nearby table schmoozing Katie. He slides the beer over to Norm's designated spot. Norm grabs it and gulps it down. Cliff raises a finger to order one for himself. And he pours again, then moves to be near his friends.
"All right. Let's settle this once and for all," says Frasier seriously. "Diane. Carla. Is a hotdog a sandwich?"
"What, are you crazy?" says Carla. "A hotdog's a hotdog!"
"Well, it does have all the components of a sandwich," argues Diane.
The bar is loud now, the pipes and ghosts now silenced by chatter and cheer. But it's always been loud. He's just been ignoring it lately. He wipes down the counter, then tosses the towel over his shoulder as Frasier begins a passionate speech on hotdogs, and why they shouldn't be considered sandwiches. Diane catches his eye, and they smile. All is well.
