Da game was on. Da spray of blood as choppaz clanged and the roar of dakka as da boys fired dere shootaz. A smile on da face as everyfink was roight wiv da world.
Da old Goff boss was a good mate as kunnin as he was brutal he swung in the choppa crashing down on his arm. But he ad the Claw, and it whirred and sparked but kept goin as he surged forward. A sudden jerk as it slammed forward into da metal of is armour. Da metal gear breaking under his savage blow like musik to his ears.
The second choppa swung and took is Claw, the stump bleeding as ee grinned at da Git. "Good swing." It woz only an arm and now ee was lighter on his feet and everyfing woz ready. His roight arm raised with all the dakka as his Shoota tore through da Goffs body
Da Old Git looked at da oles in his chest and shrugged and grinned back. Nodding is ead as he teetered back and collapsed. "Roight good fight it woz."
Ead eld high he roared to da boyz and dey hollered back in awe. Blood Axes and Goffs bruvas in arms now ed won. An his mind woz already finking of the next foight, dey could go south an have a go at the Snakebites, west for the Speed Freaks or east and hit da Bad Moons, but even as he wotched a rokkit vroomed across da sky as da Mek boy clung on for is life.
His ever loyal Mek Boy crashed down, the rokkit spraying im with metal and fire like a good rokkit should. "Boss, Boss, Da humies is speaking fighty words on da talky machine again."
And da talky machine spoke. "Citizens of Raxus V know that the Orks are coming, they have a new leader Warboss Grimgor and soon he will finish gathering their feeble tribes and aim to test the might of the Imperium again. But we have fought this battle countless times, our soldiers are eager to fight the Orks once more as they hunger for victory on the battlefield. Know that when the Orks come all they will face is the crushing despair as the undefeatable armies of mankind prove their worth once more."
Warboss Grimgor sounded like a propa fighta he did, and den it clicked dat ee woz Warboss Grimgor and ee hadn't even nown he was starting a Waaaagh. But den he fought about it and eh why not, woz always time for a good Waaaagh dere woz. He turned to the talky fing and hollered back. "It'll be da biggest Waaaaagh you humies ave ever seen, we'z gonna krump you all roight propa."
And den he figured out da talky machine worked only wun way and dey hadn't eard him. So he nodded and turned to da Mek boy. "You tell dem umies dat so dey know wez gonna krump dem in da greatest Waaaaaagh dey ever seen."
He turned to the boys and puffed up his chest till ee looked even bigger than he woz, wich woz already really big. "Those umies fink they can just say some fighty words like dat deys tougher dan an Ork and get us to go over dere and Krump dem just cos dey said so."
"Dats true we all luv a propa foight."
"Get your Choppaz out lads for da biggest Waaaagh yous ever seen, we'll krump dem umies and show em dat no ones tougher dan an Ork."
Da boys roared back at im.
Da Mek boy ad a big vid on as he wotched it all. Da umies ad gavered all dere tanks and lines and lines of shootas going dakka all the while. Over it all dere was a voice.
"For ten thousand years the Imperium has stood, an endless fight for our right to exist. But we do not shirk away from our duty for it is no curse, it is the desire of every Imperial citizen to do their part for the great war that stands between humanity and oblivion."
An imposing fortress loomed on da vid. Impenetrable and unbreakable, the kind a git wanted ta die stormin da walls so he could tell Gork an Mork what a great battle it ad been.
An a new voice came on. "Fortress Avengard has stood for generations against the Ork hordes, every year they raid it in the summer and die. With my sniper rifle I must have killed a hundred Orks by now, and I'll kill a thousand more. Whatever they throw at us we're ready."
"I'm doing my part."
Giddy with excitement da gavered boyz glued dere eyes to da screen to see wot over gifts da umies ad in store for dem.
Da vid changed to tanks racing across da field, dakka pouring forth in a tide into da plains around em. Even as anuver voice went on. "Imperium tanks dominate the battlefield, the finest works of engineering the forge worlds can produce yours to command. Faster, stronger than anything the Orks can field on the battlefield we tear entire formations to shreds. I'm doing my part."
Ee couldn't wait ta get is handz on one of dem new umie tanks. Da Mekz would be so happy and he could ride it while yelling loudly at all da over Orks. It woz even better den a normal trukk it woz.
More and more umies came and went each sayin da Wordz. "I'm doing my part." They gavered their dakka.
"I'm doing my part." They brought up dey're boyz in lines and lines dat seemed to march forever, more boyz then even ee ad in is Waaagh.
An imposing man appeared on da screen starin roight back at all da Orkz wotching im. "Are you doing your part?"
"Weez doin our part." Da boyz turned to wun anuver grins all round. Cause where would da humies be if dey gathered all dose gunz and ad no one to shoot it at. Dats why dey ad everyfing all worked up to go.
"The Imperium needs you to join the battle today."
He nodded back. "Don't worry humies we'z comin wiv all da boyz just like you needed."
Da shooty pile was growin bigger and bigger with new shootas and rokkits pouring in, and in da fighty ring da flow of teef grew wivout end for all da gear dey needed for a propa Waaaagh. Soon da green tide would go forth, and dey could giv da humies are good krumpin just like dey wanted em too.
As one his boyz hollered. "Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go."
Da bosses ad gavered, an it woz tense. An not da good tense where you gave up an punched a git to get fings rolling, but the bad tense where you ad to not fight da boss you woz talking to cause ee ad all da trukks you needed to get to a roight propa fight.
"Youse gonna Krump humies without uz, da umies said so."
He nodded in his finking stance as da odda Boss spoke, but he ad da Wordz and Gork and Mork wotched over im so he knew wot he ad to say. "Dere's enough umies for us all to krump dem, but if itz dat important den you can be at da front. You'll go vroom wiv all da trucks roight into da middle of da humies shooty place screamin all da while."
Da Speed Freak eyed him warily as he fought over his wordz. "So I'z getz to go first into a wall of dakka as rokkitz boom all around my boyz, just to get da over orks close enough ta krump gitz. Is dat what you'z sayin."
He fought in his mind about da wordz and nodded. "Of course you'z da red party so oo else can get ta da foight quicker dan you, da red ones are da fastest so deyz gets ta foight first."
Da over boss nodded. "Dat is a great plan Boss it is."
He nodded all Mork like. "Datz natural coz you got all da trukks ta get to da fight. Overwise wot iz an Ork ta do just walk all slow like at da umie lines? If I didn't bring ya all I'd ave is a Waaaagh wivout any trukks and who wants ta see dat."
"A waaaagh without Trukks is like…" The Speed Freak tried, but finking woz not like Krumping and datz why ee was bad at it.
But he was the biggest and finkiest Ork ere and ad da Wordz. "Like Kunnin without brutality, we'd be all sneaky like and forget to krump em at de end."
Da over boss nodded his ead back, eyeing im fully. "Dat's roight it be right terrible if you ad ta spend all day finking and planning wivout a propa foight. Youse real smart boss you are."
He was ta smartest and finkiest Ork ere, but also da toughest and he saw his cue if ever dere woz one. Wiv a grin and a swing he ploughed inta da nearest Ork and whacked the git in the face, teef flying everywhere. And soon all da over boyz joined in as both sides had a friendly slugfest now dat dey woz all mates.
Cos a meetin wivout a foight was too terrible to fink about.
Da Weird Boy gavered the lads and told em what for.
"Umies are almost like da Boyz, day gaver dere dakka and shooty stuff and put it all in a pile waitin to be used. But unlike da boys dey still need elp wiv da last step. Dey not know how to krump someone propa like so dey get on dere talky fings and dey start yelling out into da world.
"We'z ard enough now and we'z ready for a propa good krumpin."
Da boyz listened on in awe, various oohs and aaahs soundin out like the good little gitz dey were.
Da weird boy raised imself up. "And dats why dey need us Orks, because when all deys got is dakka and not a finker in sight it'z up to us gitz to turn up and give em a roight propa foight like dey always wanted."
Da Weird Boy gave a toothy grin. "Dats why Gork and Mork ave gave us Grimgor, cos dey looked at all da umies speaking dere fighty words and fought about fings and said we needs us a roight propa Waaaaaagh."
Dat woz his cue so he stepped up and puffed imself roight up so da over lads could see im over all dere over eads.
As da biggest and baddest Ork ere, he spied the trenches and da wallz stretching across da view. Dey ad more dakka den he ad ever seen in is ole life, and all da tanks an Ork could ever want.
It woz gonna be a good game.
Puffing up he grinned to da boyz and spoke. "Humies and Orkz are like Gork and Mork. Deys always ready for a good scrap and a good propa Waaaaagh. It'z been a while since we last krumped da humies, so long deyz been getting lonely like. But we'z ere now ta give dem a roight propa good time just like da umies wanted."
"Waaaaaaaagh." Da boyz cheered just like was propa.
"You've all eard dere fighty words ain't ya. Dey fink dey is roight ard, ard as Orks so when you go down dere you ave to ave only one fought in your mindz. And dat is ta Krump umies so ard dey'll be tolking about what a good foight dey ad for da rest of time. A foight so good dat even Gork and Mork will ave to say, dat woz one good Waaaaaagh."
He eyed da boyz, seeing their giddy happiness at da fought of it all. And ee took da lead bellowing is lungs out as dey charged dere own rokkits flyin in da sky as dey crashed down. Dere Trukks vrooming across da sands towards da umies as he hollered. "Ere we go."
"Ere we go, ere we go, ere we go."
Despite the best propaganda broadcasts in the system dedicated to eulogise their military.
The Imperium was not happy to see them.
AN: It is the nature of Fascism to want to portray themselves as gung ho about war as strong men to show off how intimidating they are. Even if their army is currently getting thrashed because looking strong is more important than anything else.
It is the nature of Orks to treat such as love letters because they do in fact love war more than the Hellsing Major does. Rather than being intimidated it's like holding up a sign, Plz Krump me, to every Ork who is slightly aware you exist.
That was the thought that started this piece. Like if you were smart you might instead put up signs, Imagine missing the greatest war ever on Cadia to roam around Hoxxes, and give the Orks directions… which is pretty much what the Eldar seem to do. Well I would say out it goes to see how well it does, but currently there's not stats but I might as well post something despite that.
