Waking Up
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to SM.
A Difficult Conversation
While Charlie stayed at the house to catch up with Billy, Jacob and Bella started walking, too keyed up to sit still in the house. Jacob was practically bouncing as he moved, and Bella had to remind him a few times that her legs were not as long as his.
As they walked, Bella felt herself changing, settling into a different version of herself, the self she had been with Jacob. A little younger, a little less responsible, freed from the shackles of her recent confinement under Edward's watchful gaze. She felt guilty as she considered this, that she was glad to be away from Edward for a while. It was much more relaxing being with Jacob. She didn't have to watch every gesture she made, or every word she said. She felt like someone, who on occasion, might do something really stupid for no good reason, and she knew that Jacob wouldn't judge her for it.
Their joint exuberance at being reunited lasted through the first few topics of conversation. They talked about how they were doing, what they had been up to, how long she had, and what had made Bella finally change her mind to finally come and visit.
"I missed you." She said simply, which brought back the sunny smile to Jacob's face.
"I missed you, too, honey." He confirmed.
But then, as they ambled past the back of the store and shoved though the thick scrub that ringed the far edge of First Beach, they got to the hard parts. All too soon they had to confront the reason behind their long separation, and Bella watched in defeat as Jacob's smile disappeared, his expression hardening into the bitter mask that was already too familiar.
"So, what's the story anyway?" Jacob asked, kicking a piece of driftwood out of his way with a little too much force. It sailed over the sand and then clattered against the rocks. "I mean since the last time we…well, before, you know…" He was having difficulty expressing himself. He took a deep breath and tried again. "What I'm asking is…everything is just back to the way it was before he left? You forgave him for all of that?"
Bella grimaced, finding herself suddenly faced with the same problem as Jacob, as she struggled to find the right words to explain how she had so easily forgiven Edward, without upsetting Jacob further at the same time.
"There was nothing to forgive."
Jacob stared at her in disbelief. "Are you for real, Bella? I know you're not that dumb."
Bella glared at him, she so wanted to skip this part, the betrayals, the accusations, but she knew that they had to talk things through before they were able to move onto anything else.
Jacob scowled. "I wish Sam could have taken a picture when he found you last September. It would be exhibit A, and show just how much that asshole damaged you."
"No one damaged me, Jacob!" Bella snapped. "And nobody's on trial here."
"Maybe somebody should be!" Jacob argued. "He left you, Bella. He left you in the middle of the woods and never looked back. If Sam hadn't found you, anything could have happened. How can you forgive that?"
"Look, Jacob, not even you would blame him for leaving, if you knew the reasons why." Bella countered. She took a deep breath to compose herself, again wishing this part was over.
Jacob glared at her for another few seconds. "Okay." He challenged. "Amaze me."
His hostility was wearing on Bella already. This is not what she had come to La Push for. It hurt that he was so angry with her. It very much reminded her of the bleak afternoon, long ago, when – under Sams orders- he'd told her they couldn't be friends.
"Edward left me last fall because he didn't think I should be hanging out with vampires. He thought it would be healthier if he left."
Jacob frowned, his mouth twisting into a sarcastic smile. "Oh, how very noble of him!" He declared. "It's a pity he didn't think of that in the beginning. That must be the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, Bella. You were together for months before he took off. Its just a lame excuse, and you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. I thought you had more sense than to fall for that. I guess I was wrong!"
Bella felt the first stirrings of her temper rising in her chest. Her hands curled into fists at her sides. It was odd how easily Jacob could get under her skin, how he cut right to the heart of the matter, exposing her most inner thoughts and secret feelings. It wasn't like she hadn't thought the same things herself at the time, though she would never have openly admitted it. She had accepted Edward's explanation as it had been so sincere, his every word and expression earnest. She knew how Edward's mind worked, Jacob didn't. He had no idea about Edward's tortured soul, and he certainly didn't know about the catalyst behind Edward's decision. Bella could only imagine Jacob's reaction if he knew Jasper had tried to kill her.
"I don't think there are any words of mine that will convince you, is there, Jacob? You've made up your mind and that's it. Edward came back, that's all that matters."
"Oh, yeah, he came back. He's pitiful. Its too bad he can't stick to a decision."
"If you remember, I went and got him."
"Only because you were coerced by that little Pixie." Jacob retorted. "When will you see the Cullens for the manipulative creatures they really are, Bella?" He stared at her stricken face for a moment, and then he backed off. His face relaxed, and his voice was calmer when he spoke.
"So, are you going to tell me what happened when you ran off?"
Bella hesitated, biting her lip.
"Is it a secret?" Jacob taunted. "Are you not allowed to tell me?"
"No." Bella snapped. "Its just a really long story and something I really don't care to revisit right now."
Jacob smiled, arrogant, and turned to walk up the beach, expecting Bella to just follow him. His attitude suddenly reminded her of Edward, in the way that both boys expected her to chase after them. Well with Jacob she wasn't going to stand for it. She stood her ground, eyes narrowing, and crossing her arms defensively across her chest.
It took Jacob a few seconds to realize she wasn't automatically following him. He halted, swiveling slowly, so he was facing her again. "What?" He demanded when he took in her angry stance.
"I think I might just head on home." Bella announced. "Its no fun being with you when you're like this."
Jacob raised one eyebrow. "Like what?"
"You're behaving like an arrogant pig, expecting me to follow wherever you lead, after talking down to me like that. I won't stand for it. Do you hear me, Jacob Black? I am not going to put up with – "
"And there she is!" Jacob cut in, smirking. "That's the Bella I know. The girl who calls me out on my bullshit. I was beginning to think the leech had sucked the life out of you completely. It turns out you just needed a little prodding to wake up."
Bella bristled at his claim. She marched past him, arms swinging by her sides, heading over to a huge, familiar piece of driftwood-an entire tree, roots and all, bleached white and beached deep in the sand. It was their tree, in a way.
Jacob trailed after her automatically. Bella sat down on the natural bench, and Jacob took up the space next to her.
"Why would you say something like that, Jacob?"
Jacob regarded her thoughtfully, taking in her pained expression, her shaking hands folded in her lap. "One thing I've never done is lie to you, Bella, honey. I always tell you the truth as I see it. You know that." He said seriously. "You're so different when you're with him-so submissive, so compliant. Its like being passive and obedient are your default emotions when you're around him. You accommodate yourself to his needs, his wishes. He's so domineering and controlling, Bella. He lies to you, keeps secrets, yet you forgive him every single time."
Bella stared at him, astounded by his description of a girl she didn't recognize as herself. "You're wrong, Jacob. You have no idea how Edward treats me. He's loving, compassionate, and so protective. He worries about me a lot, which sometimes makes him come across as a little overbearing, I admit. He's had to save me so many times. I'm a danger magnet. I seem to attract trouble." She sighed, shaking her head.
"Danger magnet?" Jacob scoffed. "Is that what he told you?" This time he was the one shaking his head, in disbelief. "You're not the one who attracts trouble, Bella. He is. The only reason the red witch is hunting you is because of him. He brings the danger to you. You don't attract it. Jeez, he really does have a way of twisting the truth to suit himself, doesn't he?"
Bella rolled her eyes as she sat next to him. "Jake, that is not true. I'm the same girl I've always been."
"No, you're not. You're different when you're with me. You're feistier, bolder, you speak your mind. You let loose. You have fun. You certainly don't tiptoe around my feelings the way you do his. You're not afraid to call me out on my crappy behavior, yet you tolerate his."
Bella hated hearing Jacob's damning assessment of her relationship with Edward. She should feel angry, but it was sadness that consumed her now. Her emotions felt bruised, and the same way as with a physical bruise, they had taken time to come up and really show themselves. Jacob's words made the bruises throb. Yet in this time, she had a chance to mitigate them, reduce them, render them more manageable. It was a form of self-medication, there were worse ones to choose. It had helped her understand and forgive the pain Edward had caused her by leaving. It was a healthy coping strategy, she guessed.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Jacob. So, lets move on. Do you want to hear the story or not?"
Jacob sighed, already knowing that Bella was shutting down, putting up the familiar walls against him. She wasn't ready to face the truth…yet.
"Is there any action?"
"There's some." She allowed.
"It wouldn't be real horror without action." Jacob teased.
Bella's shoulders sagged in relief. They were back on safe territory again, the easy and familiar banter easing the tension between them.
"Horror!" She huffed. "Can you listen, or will you be interrupting me with rude comments about my friends?"
Jacob pretended to lock his lips and then threw away an invisible key over his shoulder. Bella tried not to smile and failed.
"I'll have to start with the stuff you were already there for." Bella decided, working to organize the stories in her head before she began.
Jacob raised his hand. "That's good. I didn't understand what was going on at the time."
"Yeah, well, it gets complicated, so pay attention. You know how Alice can see things?"
Jacob nodded; scowling-the wolves weren't too thrilled that the legends of the vampires possessing supernatural gifts were true. Bella proceeded with her account of her race through Italy to rescue Edward.
She tried to keep it as distinct as possible-leaving out anything that wasn't essential. She tried to read Jacob's reactions, but his face remained enigmatic as she explained how Alice had seen Edward plan to kill himself when he heard that she was dead. Sometimes Jacob seemed so deep in thought, she wasn't sure if he was listening. He only interrupted her once.
"The fortune-telling bloodsucker can't see us?" He echoed, his face and voice both gleeful. "That's good to know."
Bella glared at him impatiently.
"Oops!" Jacob laughed. "Sorry." He locked his lips again.
His response was easier to read when Bella got to the part about the Volturi. His teeth clenched together, goose bumps rose on his arms, and his nostrils flared. Bella didn't go into specifics, she just told him that Edward had talked them out of trouble, without revealing the promise they'd had to make, or the visit they were anticipating in the future. Jacob didn't need to have her nightmares.
"Now you know the whole story." Bella concluded.
Jacob was staring across at the waves with a thoughtful expression on his face, his broad lips pursed.
"What are you thinking about so hard?" Bella asked curiously.
"I'm thinking about what you told me. About when the fortune-telling bloodsucker saw you cliff jumping and thought you'd committed suicide, and how it all got out of control…. Do you realize that if you had just waited for me like you were supposed to, then the bl…Alice would not have seen you jump? Nothing would have changed. We'd probably be in my garage right now, like any other day. There wouldn't be any vampires in Forks, and you and me…." He trailed off, deep in thought.
Bella's heart began to thump loudly at what he was implying. "Edward would have come back anyway." She reminded him.
"Are you sure about that?" Jacob questioned, turning the full force of his gaze on her.
"Being apart…. It didn't work out so well for either of us."
Bella stared into Jacob's dark brown eyes, the eyes that held the warmth of an everlasting hearth, as if they were the wood that could burn with golden flame yet be forever perfectly entire. It made her wonder whether her statement was entirely true. She had been wavering…. before Alice had come back… she had been cautiously thinking of changing the boundaries of their friendship, allowing herself to consider the possibility that it could be something more….
And then the moment was gone. Jacob turned away. He started to say something, something angry from his expression, but he took a breath, and was instantly calm again.
"We should head back." He said resignedly. "It's getting late. The olds will be wondering where we are." He held out his hand toward Bella, to help her to rise.
Feeling strangely bereft, Bella placed her hand in his, feeling the warmth of his fingers wrapping around hers, chasing away the cold.
A/N-thanks for reading!
