Well. It has been over seven years since I began this story. I was 16 then, I am 23 now.
Rest in peace Matthew Perry*
— This Chapter is going to briefly explain what event led to Chandler developing his eating disorder —
Chapter 18 - Context
It was just a regular, boring work meeting. I made the mistake of making a joke about there being two I's in Martini, so everyone should come back to my place.
A harmless joke, so I thought. But then it happened.
Doug spanked my butt.
When I told the guys they just laughed. Shit, I encouraged them to laugh! I made it in to a joke because that is what I do when I am uncomfortable. I tell lines. As soon as their laughter died away so too did their memory of the event.
I wish it had died away for me. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Mainly because Doug never stopped.
Doug didn't stop.
Doug carried on with this allegedly innocuous action. Every work meeting, every professional encounter, every damn day.
It is not like I didn't tell him to stop. The first time I was too stunned, it was almost like I could not fathom what had happened. The second time I, firmly but not confrontationally, said "hey!", thinking my tone and demeanour would show Doug that his behaviour was not welcomed.
The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth time he did it soon proved to me that I was misguided in my thinking.
On the seventh occasion I snapped. An argument between Mon and I that morning had put me on edge and that…..that action of his, it just filled me with rage. I yelled at him. I told him to "quit being a pervert and back off."
I will never forget his face.
He stared back at me, his eyes boring into me. He then simply walked out of the room without passing any comment.
Stupidly I thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know, the only reason he had held his tongue was because he was afraid to cause a scene.
Later that day as I was getting ready to go home he crept into my office, quietly shutting the door behind him. "Bing."
Startled by his sudden presence, my voice had begun to quiver. "Doug? To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Cut the crap Bing." He pushed me down into my chair and stood over me, his hands pressing down hard into my shoulders.
"What are you…."
"Listen to me and listen carefully. You ever speak to me like that again and you will have no job. Not only will I fire you, but I will destroy your reputation so bad that you will never work again."
"Doug I…"
"Save it. If I decide to slap your fat ass I will. I can do whatever the hell I like."
And with that he stormed out of my office.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Being called a "fat ass" once triggered all of this? Triggered my eventual hospitalisation?
No. It was what followed after.
Every single meeting Doug would make a jibe about my weight. If I went to grab a snack he would pass snide comments. Comments such as "Chubby Chandler" and "Beefy Bing" became the normal.
I became the office joke.
Now, I am the first one to admit I make jokes. Yes, I have made mocking comments towards all of the guys. But, deep down, I know I never intend to hurt anyone. I would hate for anyone to feel the way that Doug has made me feel.
It started with avoiding eating at the office. Skipping lunch became the norm. It only evolved into skipping breakfast because Doug started being such a prick about me being late.
I am not going to lie. Seeing the weight fall off was rather exciting. Mon has always had handsome suitors. Look at Richard. Not only was he mature but he was handsome. I wanted to give Monica that. Monica deserves that.
Skipping breakfast and lunch began over a month ago. Then, when my weight loss started to plateau, things escalated. I did everything in my power to make sure that my dinners became smaller and smaller. It is hardly difficult, being the joker means you have the ability to distract. When Rachel asked me a few weeks ago "how are you keeping so fit?", I just responded with "could you be anymore desperate?" It elicited laughs, it shut the conversation down. It was mission accomplished.
It is only now that I have stopped eating altogether everything has unraveled. Could I be anymore stupid? If I had carried on eating as little as possible, or if I had discovered vomiting sooner, maybe I could have avoided all of this drama.
As hard as it may seem to comprehend, Doug has both destroyed and helped me. Yes I am a shadow of the person I once was, but isn't that the aim? Is the aim not to shrink so much you become invisible?
Could I be anymore messed up?
