The first Talk


Lupin's pov:

Lily understands me better than anyone. I tell her I'm having trouble she asks me if I need help… I say something like I gotta go somewhere she doesn't question it. I tell her what I am doing and she spreads it to the others and stops them from following.

She is currently telling them I was helping one of the teachers, but that was a bold lie.

I took another corner right then I reached the hospital wing. Sitting on the front desks was Madam Pomfrey just as I hoped. "Wondered when you would show Lupin…" She said without looking up to me.

I sighed. She knew everything, and I mean it. Well not everything but she always had a feeling. "Did you talk to Black? Does he know?" She asked looking into my eyes.

I shook my head. "I still don't know what to say to be honest, I mean other than the truth honestly." She nodded. "But that's not why you are here right? You want your knife back." I looked down at my shoes nodding slightly.

This was exactly what I wanted. I still have this feeling inside me and even though I don't plan on doing it again today, I just feel saver with it. Plus I had no idea what to tell Sirius and how he reacts. If he reacts badly I might not be able to take it in without this knife.

I was so lost in thoughts that I didn't hear her stepping up to me. She gave me the knife and hugged me tightly. I really needed that and I was so thankful.

"Why don't you come back tomorrow and tell me how everything went?" She suggested. I nodded. "Till then, I'll make sure to find a way to help you cope differently now the cat is out of the bag with the knife. We can work this out together."

Nodding even more I whispered a: "Thanks!" Then I went back to the Gryffindors common room a little bid more sure of myself to talk to Sirius.

When I arrived Sirius was asleep, James was playing quidditch and Peter sat in the common room chatting with others. I was somewhat relieved for not having to speak to Sirius just yet but that wasn't gonna play out. I was about to lay down at my bed as well but then Sirius opened his eyes, he must have heard me.

Sirius sat up looking around for the others only to see them away. That indicated he wanted to speak to me in private, most likely about today. "Hey Rem…" he said trying a true smile but it wasn't true, it was a serious subject.

"Hey Sirius…" I responded. There was a little break until I spoke up finally making myself talk about it. " I am so sorry you had to see me like this Sirius… I didn't want you to ever see this part of me…"

He stood up then holding on. "Can I sit down next to you?" I nodded. As he did I thought about how he still wants to get close to me…

"Rem, you don't have to be sorry because I saw… It's ok, I just wish you would have told me but I understand why you didn't." I fell silent for a moment. He understood? Does he? Can I expect him to understand?

" I know this isn't good for me really and I shouldn't do stuff like that but I just… I am having trouble lately and…" I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.

" You don't have to tell me… I don't expect you to share anything, but I want you to know that I'll be there for you…" He paused trying to get eye contact but I didn't look at him.

" Just know whatever it is, I don't judge you. I don't judge you for your problems neither for your ways of coping." Now I did look him into the eyes. Did he mean it? If I would admit I was a werewolf right now. Would he not judge? I was close to believing him. These steel grey eyes were just too convincing and honest.

Then only for a minute I want to change my mind, this just don't feel right to me!*

" Sorry Sirius… I… Maybe someday but…" He nodded. We had locked eyes.

Somehow I felt a sudden urge to kiss him. Was that the primal wolf thinking or me? Before I could do something stupid he spoke again.

"Can I hug you?" It was so kind and soft, the way he spoke. I nodded and he pulled me into one. He had a tight grip and it felt so comforting. I could stay like this forever. I tightened my grip on him breathing his scent.

Since yesterday was full moon I still have heightened senses such as smell. He smelled a little bid like smoke but sweeter. Like a thick layer laid over me. His comfort overwhelmed me.

I finally felt like everything was gonna be ok and a tear formed in the corner of my eyes. "Thanks." I whispered after a while.

He let go of me and in an instant I missed him. His touch, his smell, everything. I wanted to do something, anything but his eyes were trapping me in a deep nice trance.

Then the door opened and we broke eye contact. "Guys, it's 12:30, we gotta get our stuff and get going to the astronomy floor!" I nodded snatching my stuff and putting it in a bag.

We gathered in the common room with the other fourth year students before heading up because it was rather dark and not all were able to produce enough lights. Furthermore we needed some on guard for ghosts because they were commonly trying to scare us during the walk and others had to keep a look for the right stairs since the astronomy corridor was the most complicated to get to with the most stairs on the way.