I don't own Hetalia okay? I have had this idea in my mind for awhile, and now that Halloween is over I found it to be the time to unveil this creation, an AmeBel take on the classic, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Natalya sighed as Alfred drove along a long country road. It was the beginning of December, she had finally used the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers and it was now the start of the Christmas season. She was thankful at least that he wouldn't put the Christmas decorations up when they came into the stores, but she knew that Alfred would always do over the top holiday celebrations. She had been thankful that his family was busy on Thanksgiving. It was always a nightmare when they came over. Between his brother's obnoxious wife and the bickering of his French father and English mother, causing her to wonder how those two put up with each other long enough to conceive and raise two twin boys. Her family on the other hand hardly could come for the holidays, living back in the town near the Russia, Ukraine and Belarus border that they grew up in. Last time that any of her family had made it to America was soon after their second child, Alexander was born.

"Dad, where are we going?" Liliya moaned. She had just turned 15 and wanted nothing to do with any of her family, considering them too embarrassing to be around.

"It's that time of year again Lily!" Alfred said overly excited. "Time to get the Jones family Christmas tree!" Natalya smiled with a nervous approval.

"So why not just get one from Home Depot Dad?" Alexander moaned.

"Now where's the fun in that?" Alfred said.

"Plus it will do you two some good to get out and enjoy nature. I read that there is a 30 acre lot that has many trees to choose from that you can cut then down yourself." Natalya had tried to be supportive but sometimes his antics drove her mad, even if she did love them.

"Oh we're not going there, we're doing this the old fashioned way, going out into the woods and finding the perfect tree!"

"What?" Liliya moaned. "I have to walk out in the snow to get a tree? I'm with Xander, Why not just get one from the front of Home Depot?"

"Because Home Depot doesn't give a f-" Alfred began as Natalya looked at him crossly. If there was one thing she would not stand for, it was Alfred swearing in front of the children. "flying fudge monkey about the tree, or the family getting it. And that is why we will do like they did in the old days and have good old fashioned family Christmas starting with the Christmas tree."

Driving the family suv down the country highway, heading to a spot he knew had just the perfect tree. As he drove along a rusted old truck had come up on his side. Natalya grabbed the side bar of her seat. "Be careful..." She warned.

"It's fine..." Alfred groaned as the truck pulled up beside him. He revved up his car

"Fredka, be careful! I don't want to spend the holidays dead!" Natalya said.

"Dad!" Liliya moaned.

"Dude!" Alexander said as he looked worried at the window. "It's fine. We can go to Home Depot! I'll pay for it out of my paper route."

"I'll take care of this son of a bitch..." Alfred growled, ignoring the scowl Natalya gave him. Placing his foot down further on the gas pedal, he drove past the truck. "Eat my dust you bastards!"

"Dad! It's like Final destination!" Liliya said pointing out the truck ahead of them, full of logs.

"My dear sweet Liliya, that's a movie," Natalya said. But if you keep driving like this, we are bound to be killed. She thought as she closed her eyes.

"But Mama, you have to know that with the way Dad is driving and with that truck behind us and that log truck, we're bound to have trouble." Alexander said. "Dad, my offer still stands! I'll buy the tree and water it every day if you just get off at this exit and then go to the Home Depot!"

"Xander, calm down, I know exactly what I am doing!" Alfred scolded.

"You don't! We are in between two log trailers!" Natalya said looking around and as she noticed the old truck from before pulling up beside them.

"It's fine...it's fine..." Alfred growled, grinding his teeth. "I'll show this bastard what for..."

"Otets nash, sushchiy na nebesakh, da svyatitsya imya tvoye. I prostite moyego muzha, on ne znayet, chto delayet." Natalya said.

"Dad you got Mama praying in Russian again..." Alexander said.

"I know, I know, and I know what I am doing!" Alfred said. "Your mother sometimes forgets that I had picked up on Russian since I married her."

"And you spoke it horribly to me when we first met." Natalya growled.

"We are out from under the log truck now! Happy?" Alfred said.

"Look out!" Liliya said as a snow plow truck was approaching, causing Alfred to steer into a snowdrift.

"Well, this is it." Alfred said as he got out of the car.

"Get it out of the snow first!" Natalya said. "I may have grown up in Russia but you are my husband and you will get this vehicle out of the snow!"

"Fine." Alfred said as he got back into the car and putting it in four wheel drive pulled out of the snowbank. Knowing that Natalya was annoyed, he headed over to her side and opened the door, helped her out of her seat belt and carried her to the field and set her down. "My dear snow princess."

"Blech." Liliya said.

"Yeah, I'm with Lili on that." Alexander said.

"Well just follow me, I have pioneer like instincts with this." Alfred said.

"Yeah and you'd have died of dysentery by now if we were on the Oregon trail Dad..." Alexander said.

"Alexander..." Natalya scolded.

"Come on Mama, you know that Dad would likely have gotten himself killed on the Oregon Trail!" He pleaded.

"This may be true," Natalya said out of Alfred's earshot as he headed further into the woods. "Fredka, is this even public land? We're not going to anger a farmer are we?"

"Nah, it's fine..." Alfred reassured her, however she wasn't too reassured herself.

"Isn't this what tree lots..." Liliya began

"And Home Depot..." Alexander said.

"And Home Depot..." Liliya sighed rolling her eyes. "I'm going to get you a Home Depot gift card if you don't shut up about it."

"I would actually like that." Alexander said. "I have many things I would like to build..."

"While I appreciate your knack for carpentry and woodworking, now's not the time." Natalya said as she followed Alfred along. "What's the matter?" She asked as she saw him standing there.

"There it is the Jones family Christmas tree." Alfred said.

"Mama, do you think Dyadya Ivan could teach me about how to do some of that Russian woodcarving I have read about." Alexander said, ignoring his father.

Not if I can help it, god forbid if I see that big asshole anytime soon... Alfred thought. He and Natalya's brother Ivan never really got along and even though they tried their best to get along when Natalya was around, but they never did. "Well, I mean the invite for your Tetya and Dyadya is out there for the good old fashioned family Christmas..." Alfred said as he pulled Alexander closer. "But it's a burden for them to come all this way just for Christmas..."

Natalya pursed her lips. She had indeed sent out the invite to her brother and sister as part of Alfred's idea of a good old fashioned family Christmas, not expecting them to accept it. However before they went to get the tree, her older sister called and told her that they would be in town soon for the holiday and would stay well past January 6th and her older sister had decided to run a Russian Epiphany celebration then too.

"Dad, how are you going to get that tree out of the ground?" Liliya asked. "Did you bring anything like an axe or a saw?"

"Awww shit!" Alfred said.

"Maybe we can take Alexander up on his offer, and he won't even have to pay, we can get it at Home Depot and he can tell us the latest woodworking stuff he wants for Christmas." Natalya offered.

"No, I'll get it!" Alfred said. "You don't make it to Eagle Scout without thinking outside the box." He headed back to the SUV and dug through the back, seeing what he had. "Some chain, a hook, rope..." He tossed it all carelessly to the side as he headed back to the car. "This baby has torque and I am going to use it."

"Fredya no!" Natalya said as she ran to him and tried to get him to think rationally. "How do you know that it won't hit the car and leave us stranded here!"

"I'm good and lucky!" Alfred said.

"But what about this time?" She pleaded.

"Never say die!" Alfred said as he wrapped the chain around the tree and revved up the engine. A loud whrr was heard as Alfred floored the gas pedal. Natalya pulled Liliya and Alexander close and headed far away from the car and the tree.

"And this is not how I wanted you to die..." Natalya said.

"You wanted Dad to die?" Liliya said. "Can't say I blame you. I mean there's that Lithuanian guy who works at the deli seems to like you."

"I thought he was with that Polish woman who makes the priogis there." Alexander said.

"I think that's a guy..." Liliya said.

Natalya rolled her eyes. "I do not want your father to die at all. I mean why else would I have married him?"

"Because he knocked you up? You needed a green card?" Liliya said.

"Nyet!" She said as she smacked Liliya. "And you are grounded for talking about like that to your parents. At this a loud crack was heard and a tree fell to the ground, and avoided the car altogether.

"I'll be damned, he did it." Liliya said.

"Grounded for a week and you will help me do your dyadya and tetya's laundry when they come in and polish their boots." Natalya ordered.

"Mama! No fair!" Liliya pleaded.

"What's no fair?" Alfred asked.

"Liliya is grounded. So no social media for a week and she will help our guests with their laundry." Natalya said.

"Oooooof, you know your grand-père has some clothes he has very specific care instructions for. You can't just put them in the washer and hit go." Alfred said. Natalya looked at him confused. "Oh Mum and Papa just confirmed, got their message."

"Oh lovely..." Natalya smiled, hiding the fact she knew that her brother and sister were coming.

"How are we getting that tree home?" Alexander asked as Alfred's face fell.

Translation Guide

(obtained from Google Translate)

Otets nash, sushchiy na nebesakh, da svyatitsya imya tvoye. I prostite moyego muzha, on ne znayet, chto delayet.- Russian- Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, he knows not what he does.

dyadya-Russian-uncle

grand-père-French-grandpa

So how was that? Good? Bad? Short? Long? Let me know in a review. Yes I did have Natalya say the prayer that Ellen did but in Russian. I am also not going word for word and exactly like the movie but a lot of the same ideas and themes. I don't have much else to say here so remember to read, well you just did and review. Ciao for now,

otherrealmwriter

aka

Realm.