Author's Notes:
To the one who requested an update on Tumblr, here it is, I am quite surprised that I was able to write so quickly.
Also, I have a mini rant on Tumblr.
I am glad for those who patiently waited, but also…like… guys are you okay?
I reread (skimmed) the chapters to remember how to write this, and I was crying. :/
This seems like a very triggering fanfic.
Also, why do you guys like this fic?
PS: I winged the batfam dynamic
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Raven woke up on the bed drenched in sweat, a scream at the base of her throat that didn't fully explode. Her eyes were wide in fear which also flickered with a faint almost black glow.
She had been waking up like this for days now. In fact, she barely slept. And all she could do was control herself. She had to control her emotions. Because she was even more afraid of what she could possibly do if she didn't control herself.
All she could think about was how the hostage incident could have gone south really quickly and what she would have done. But– thankfully Damian arrived. And that was what she would focus on to control herself and her haywire powers.
She inhaled a deep breath and held it in. She hasn't seen Damian since the evening of the hostage incident. And she was, even more, hyper-aware of his coming birthday.
Raven got up and got a face towel to wipe away her sweat as she decided to meditate. This would calm her down. She had to set her mind on her boyfriend's upcoming birthday. She couldn't let her thoughts get to her on such a special week.
She had to be the perfect girlfriend. Or at least the version of her before everything changed.
Raven didn't know that her lips were almost blue.
~.~.~.~.~.~
It was three days before Damian's birthday and party, and Raven was nervous. She wasn't sure where he was and if he would even make it to his own birthday party. It seemed that he really was tied up with whatever the Titans were doing. She didn't even hear anything from Jon this time around.
Raven's phone rang and she answered it, "Hello?"
"Good morning, Lady Raven," Came Alfred's voice, "Master Bruce would like to invite you to the mansion in preparation for Master Damian's birthday."
Raven had recalled Damian mentioning that his family planned to celebrate days ahead with just them, but Damian didn't appear to be back and she honestly forgot, which is likely why Alfred called her.
In all honesty, she didn't want to go.
"Oh, yes, I totally forgot that Bruce told us to go there, but Damian isn't here…wouldn't it be a bit awkward for me to go?" Raven said and nervously laughed. She didn't know why but she was anxious to be alone with the Waynes. What if she does something wrong?
"Ah, yes, unfortunately, Master Damian is held back a little bit, but he swore he would be there on his birthday. Even so, you are family Lady Raven, so I believe you shouldn't worry about any awkwardness, and we would love to have you here." Raven smiled at Alfred's words.
They were supposed to be comforting, but she felt rather pressured instead.
"Well, how could I say no to that?" She replied back, it would probably be better to enjoy a few days with the Waynes than let her continue to wallow in her apartment. Maybe this was what Damian wanted too, it sounded like him, especially since he has been MIA for days.
He'd want nothing but the best for her. He'd want his family to keep her company in his stead.
That was so him…right?
"Let me just get a couple of things ready then, Alfred." Raven smiled to herself, trying to calm her racing heart.
This was something Damian would do, right? She was sure about it, but the uncertainty was definitely there too. And she brushed off that uncertainty, she said her goodbyes to Alfred just as she did with the doubt.
Raven packed rather lightly since she had clothes in the Wayne's mansion upon Damian's insistence. So, she didn't need to bring a lot of things.
Her phone rang again and she answered it to hear Alfred tell her, "Lady Raven, I will come and pick you up in about 20 minutes."
"Alright, Alfred, thanks." She answered back and decided to surf on the internet a little to calm herself.
The McCoy kids had stayed at home since the incident, likely because their parents were very terrified from what had happened. But she was certain the kids were afraid too. She faintly recalled the first mission she returned from that had quite the number of casualties. She was shaking. So, she imagined that what she felt then was what the kids were feeling now.
Raven then received a call from Catherine, she smiled since she was just thinking about them, "Hello, Catherine." She said as she answered the call.
"Raven! How are you?" Catherine whispered very softly.
"I am doing alright, but the real question is how are you and Arthur?" Raven recalled their figures huddled together inside the building.
"We-we're alright, we were wondering if you wanted to spend time with us, keep our heads away from what happened?" Catherine quickly explained why she called.
"I would love to, but unfortunately I have plans, I will be away for a couple of days…" Raven answered back.
"Oh... I see… Well, Arthur and I wanted to extend an invitation for a party to you, but I guess you aren't free." Catherine mumbled.
Raven chuckled, "Yes, unfortunately I won't be for at least 5 days."
"Oh, well, I guess it makes sense, after everything… our parents have insisted that we go to therapy." Catherine sighed.
"That is a wise choice." Raven tried to sound as comforting as she could. She recalled that the Justice League has a therapist too, for a moment she wondered if she should go and talk to them.
"And… Our parents did tell you to take extra time off on account of what happened. I-I insist you do." She added in a rather rushed manner and then suddenly added, "Raven…" Catherine's voice was gentle as if she was afraid to be heard.
"Yeah?" Raven smiled faintly, hoping she could coax the younger woman.
"Thank you, if you weren't there… I think we would have been more scared." Raven couldn't help but feel love from Catherine's words. "So… if you're scared, know… know that the people who love you will always be by your side."
Raven felt alert at those sentiments. It was so odd that the kid she looked after was the one comforting her.
"At this point… I think you don't need me." Raven teased but it was the silence that followed that made Raven worry and before she could say anything Catherine's voice spoke.
"No! Don't say that, we need you!" There was clear panic in the young girl's tone and her voice clearly cracked. Raven heard Catherine gulp as she collected herself. "I'm sure everyone around you feels the same."
But Catherine sounded unsure, and Raven felt unsure.
But Raven also knew that there was truth in the younger girl's words.
"What we experienced… it was difficult… and it takes time to heal everything…but we also need to acknowledge that there are problems that need to be faced." Raven could barely register her own words. "Only when…we truly understand and accept the problem can we start the journey of moving on. But all this takes time and time is so…so…relative…"
There was silence, "Are you? Have you identified the problem?" Catherine quietly asked and Raven blinked her eyes glancing at a mirror. Staring at her reflection.
"Yes." Raven quietly admitted. She knew the steps she needed to take.
"I'm scared." Catherine admitted, "But I am more terrified for Arthur. I know he wouldn't admit it, but I know he's scared– and that worries me, he won't admit it if he is having a hard time."
Raven almost chuckled, only because Catherine's words reminded her of someone with black hair. "I know someone like that."
There was a silence between the two lines, and then Raven inhaled and added, "I think you should take up your parents offer with regard to the therapist. It will help identify the problem. Sometimes we need some third person to guide us."
Raven heard some sniffling and then, "I know. I just wanted to hear you say that."
Catherine said her goodbyes and told Raven that she hoped that she could convince her brother to join her too.
When the line was cut off, Raven listened to the obnoxious beep that followed. She couldn't help but criticize herself.
Good at giving others advice but can't follow hers. And doesn't listen to advice from those who clearly just want the best for her. She was a handful, wasn't she?
She stood there almost swaying. Thinking how she always felt like she was in some stalemate against herself and the world.
Maybe… she should just accept that she would lose no matter what she does. In some way, that would seem easier than constantly struggling. And feeling like the struggle was for nothing.
Raven's phone vibrated and it brought her out of her mind. She glanced at her phone to see that Alfred was giving her an update of his location.
She promised herself, she would tell Damian everything that has been keeping her at night. Just that, it would be after his birthday. She would never forgive herself if she ruined his birthday celebrations with her revelations.
Her truths.
Raven hyped herself up and then double checked her things to make sure she brought everything. After that, she went down to the parking lot to wait for Alfred.
When Raven got to the Wayne's Mansion, she could tell that it had a very bright atmosphere around it. It was like the acres of land knew that a birthday was coming. And that they were thankful for his existence.
What Raven was feeling at that moment– was that she was out of place.
Every inch of the Wayne Mansion seemed to exude a glow.
A glow she felt like she hadn't seen since long ago. However, she knew when she lost it.
They were still inside the car and approaching the building, and as it got closer, it felt like her heart was beating faster.
"Lady Raven, is everything alright?" Alfred inquired from the driver's seat.
"Sorry, I'm just nervous." She admitted unconsciously.
"Why?" He asked gently.
"I'm used to Damian being here with me for his family functions…" Raven mumbled and Alfred's silence made her even more nervous.
"Your family Lady Raven, Master Damian treasures you, and we do too." Alfred smiled at her from the rearview mirror and she nodded.
"Thanks." Raven nodded a little, her eyes stuck on the building that was getting closer. She then noticed that the lawn seemed to be prepared for the party that would be held here or maybe it was just their daily maintenance. But she couldn't help but think of Damian.
The mansion's neatness made her think that it was attributed to Bruce Wayne which then reflected how he was as a father. Or at least, she hoped it was.
Then her mind was brought to her own father.
The door on her side of the car opened before her mind could further think about her father.
"Lady–"
"Raven!" Came Stephanie's cheerful voice. The blonde woman ran down the stairs toward Raven, causing Alfred to stop talking.
"Stephanie, it's nice to see you. I must say–" Raven was cut off as Stephanie hugged her.
"Don't say it, you've said your thanks to us about that hostage incident over a dozen times already!" She pulled away and stared at Raven seriously, "You should have seen Damian's face– well voice in my case, I wasn't there with him– regardless they said it was–" The blonde stared at Raven and then shook her. "Oh, don't worry about it. Just don't say you thanks to the guys and Cassie, we have understood the message, Rae, and," Stephanie hugged Raven again, "We are so glad that you are okay." She then sighed.
Raven smiled, staring at Alfred as she hugged Stephanie back, albeit not as tightly as Stephanie was hugging her.
"Before I go in, can I go and say hi to Goliath and Bat-Cow first." Raven politely asked and Stephanie completely pulled away.
"Of course, it's been a while. We'll see you after then. We'll be at the game room." Stephanie replied back, a bright smile on her lips.
"Then, I will take your bag up to Master Damian's room for you Lady Raven." Alfred offered with a smile and Raven nodded. She recalled being shy staying in the same bedroom with Damian when she would visit the mansion. And now she has come to a point where she wasn't as embarrassed anymore. However, the embarrassment can't fully disappear because some family members would give the couple a knowing look the next day when Damian and Raven slept in his room. But she knew they meant nothing bad about it. They do actually give that particular look even when they didn't bang in the mansion, although in all honesty, the couple avoided having sex in the mansion because of the pesky onlookers, as Damian would so eloquently say.
Although the siblings seem to love teasing each other the same way when their siblings' partner is with them in the mansion.
Although in her case, Raven could probably count the times she and Damian fucked in the Wayne Mansion on one hand. All of this only happened because they absolutely knew the mansion was empty and that everyone was too busy to be in the mansion in a day or two.
Raven couldn't help but smile and shake her head a little, she recalled how she had told Damian that he was too paranoid. Guess now the tables were turned.
Raven didn't want to let her mind wander far into that thought any further, so she flushed it out as she walked her way to the farthest corner of Bruce Wayne's Mansion, eyes searching.
Suddenly there was a big shade coming from behind her and she turned, her face serious, and then a big tongue licked her entire face.
"Goliath, I was looking for you." She giggled, rubbing her head against the side of his head. A hand brushing his neck. 'You are so big you can practically eat me."
She heard the animal growl a little and it sounded like he was disapproving of her words. "I'm sorry, I was kidding."
Goliath continued to rub his big head against her, and was practically hugging her and making Raven disappear from within his fur, "I missed you too, I'm sorry I haven't been visiting often." She comforted him, rubbing her head against him.
Before Goliath could growl, she heard a moo. Goliath then froze and carefully placed Raven down.
She chuckled, "Bat-cow, hello to you too."
Raven made her way to the female cow and caressed the cow's face, which mooed in approval.
"I suppose Alfred and Titus are inside the house?" Raven asked, smiling, to which Goliath snorted.
When she didn't choose to put a barrier on her empathy, interacting with Damian's pets was like actually talking to them because she could feel them. And they adored her so easily and so much because of it.
Raven knew that Goliath gets jealous when Titus or Alfred gets to spend time with Damian and Raven because they were 'normal pets'. And so, at this moment, she knew that Goliath's snort was out of jealousy.
Raven knew that Goliath wished he too could stay in their apartment with his masters like Titus and Alfred, but unfortunately, he cannot.
She rubbed Goliath's neck.
Raven also recalled that when she decided to put a shield on her empathy, she asked for approval from Damian's pets. She truly enjoyed talking to them and feeling them. But she had to feel her own emotions– and it was a lot. She couldn't handle outside forces interweaving with her knotted emotions.
"I know, you think it's unfair," Raven mumbled and Bat-Cow mooed in response. She turned to the cow, "I know you feel the same." She weakly smiled then turned to Goliath.
"But you sir, need to go underground now," She brushed his soft fur with her hand. "There will be normal guests for Damian's party."
Another snort from the red furry creature.
"I know. You always get the short end of the stick." Raven hugged Goliath, she recalled how he found it rather unfair that Bat-Cow wouldn't need to hide for such functions. It was always him.
"I'm sure you two miss Damian, he will be here on his birthday, you all will get to see him." She buried her face in the soft red fur of the huge monster. "He promised." She whispered.
When Raven was done with her hellos to Goliath and Bat-Cow she went to the mansion. But it also felt like she was bracing herself for battle.
Why was she like this, she couldn't help but wonder.
Raven went to the game room and found that the batfam were arguing.
"Monopoly!" One yelled.
"No. You cheat." Another angry voice rebuked.
"Cheating? You know who cheats–" Jason noticed Raven and cleared his throat. "Gosh, look at you all, making Raven see all this."
Dick crossed his arms and glared at Jason, then turned to Raven, "Raven, it's been so long!" His arms stretched as he approached her ready to give him a hug.
She smiled. She couldn't help but wonder if she and some of her siblings could be like this, would this be her norm?
But seeing things like this in the Wayne manor was rather amusing. And yet, nothing beats the first time she met them for family game night.
Damian being the youngest, he seemed to be the butt of everyone's jokes, but she could tell it came from a place of love. In fact, she could feel it.
And she recalled how she felt so isolated at those moments. Having a family to love her the way they loved each other—it's just a dream for her.
Raven received Dick's breathtaking hugging, and by that, she literally meant he was squeezing her so tight she couldn't breathe.
"You should let her go before Damian throws a fit." Jason literally sang.
"Oh, let him hug her. I would love to see who would win between them." Tim piped in.
"And how would Damian–" Dick turned around, Raven still in his arms and he suddenly let her go with his hands up in the air as if someone pointed a gun at him.
Cassandra was quietly behind a phone filming Dick and Raven. "I want to win the bet."
"There are no bets," Bruce interjected, entering the room and Cassandra frowned, the phone going back to her pocket.
"Damian isn't like that." Raven quietly tried to defend her boyfriend.
Jason rolled his eyes, "Oh, we heard the Jon incident, don't try to change our minds."
At the mention, Raven couldn't help but smile and then giggle, "We were kids, he was a kid, you can't hold that against him."
"Oh, he acted like a kid alright." Dick mumbled, shaking his head and backing away, "Thanks for the reminder." He patted Jason.
"Alright, Damian has matured," Stephanie said and Tim, Jason, and Dick all scowled.
"Alright, enough, stop cornering the poor man who isn't here." Bruce shook his head and turned to Raven. "Raven, I'm so glad you are here." He smiled.
"Thanks for the invitation, Bruce." Raven smiled back.
"C'mon, we are all family here." Bruce reminded gently. He glanced at his smart watch and then glanced at the kids, "You kids, have fun, I have some business to attend to." His smile was rather tight and everyone in the room seemed to pass a certain gaze to one another except for Raven.
"Oh, Raven, how about you decide what game we should play?" Stephanie approached her trying to obscure Raven's sight from everyone's gaze.
But their silent exchange expressed just how bad the situation is. And for them to find time to be here with her– Raven wondered if it was because Damian requested for them to do this for him.
"You know–" Raven had started and before she could finish her sentence Dick intervened.
"Don't finish that sentence, Rae, seriously, we want to spend time with you. It's been too long." Dick's tone was more of a leader commanding or maybe the older brother with responsibilities. Either way, she knew she couldn't tell them to leave and save the world.
"Yeah, it's been too long." She ultimately agreed, and it felt like the room had deeply exhaled.
"Alright, that is settled. You kids enjoy. If you need me, just call." Bruce had announced and he received a chorus of agreement from the people within the room.
Bruce left and Raven observed everyone in the room. There seemed to be a looming darkness that blanketed everyone.
Raven was tempted to ask how bad it was, but she could tell from how everyone was reacting that it was really bad. And she didn't have the clearance to know how bad it was, so she had to swallow the question.
"Well, we all gathered here to have an early start on celebrating Damian's birthday." Stephanie turned and smiled at everyone, "So where is your birthday spirit guys?"
Jason cleared his throat. "Well, you only have one birthday a year." He shrugged and Stephanie rolled her eyes.
Raven quietly watched them, their discord somehow calming. "But he isn't here." And suddenly all eyes were on her and she was startled. "I didn't mean anything by that." She quickly added.
Dick glanced at everyone then Jason sighed and said, "You know Rae?"
Raven looked at Jason, "The best thing with him not here, we can tell you all his nasty laundry."
"Like when he was such an annoying little prick?" Tim piped.
"Did he ever stop?" Dick genuinely asked.
And everyone laughed, although Raven merely smiled.
"But you know Rae, what we all can agree, he is better with you." Stephanie smiled at Raven and she blinked in response.
There was a gentle smile on Raven's lips, and everyone in the room seemed to have relaxed seeing Raven's expression.
"Look, I feel like I have to say this," Dick approached Raven, looking hesitant, "He'd be here if he could."
Raven nodded looking at him and then everyone, she must have been worrying everyone.
"I know." She smiled. "I would love to hear stories of his childhood that he isn't willing to tell me." She smiled and everyone's faces lit up, everyone having something to say. Someone wanting to go first.
