A storm rained over the land of Hyrule. A young man in green slept in his uncle's attic. He was rudely awoken to a loud text on his Sheikah Slate. He looked at it and saw a picture of the Mario Brothers. He knew what he had to do. He got out of bed, but his foot got caught on his sheets and he fell face first. This showed the viewers, er, readers sorry LOL, That he had a cartoonish and laid back side. He grabbed his kinstones and his supposed talking magic cap.
Yup. You know who it is!
Grabbed 0hes fully upgraded whatever sword they called it in that game. Oh, minish sword. Sorry. Every mistake I make I'm leaving it in and not correcting anything. I'm having a bad day at my shift at Costco. So you take what you get. I work hard and I write even harder. Appreciate what I type and be lucky this is even uploaded.
So Link waved his uncle goodbye, but not before slapping his wife, Malon on her huge melons. However, this was a picture of Malon that he took candidly. She did not like him, no woman in this town did. In fact, no man did either for that matter. Link was just generally not well received by all those who knew him, he gained the reputation of being a deserter and a wanderer. Rumor has it, his cap once spoke like the earlier narration implied, but lately has been rather eerily quiet…Huh, makes you wonder what kind of story happened there! Anyway, Link was tired of being made a fool of. He was doing good enough of a job himself, thank you very much!
But you see, lovely readers, this was not always the case. Yes, our elf garbed in green was once a renown hero of sorts, I mean there's obviously a reason why we wrote him into the story! Yep, as it turns out, Link was originally destined for something far greater…Until those SMELLY overall wearing brothers had to mess it up for him! I, the guest writer, already forget what rank they are at the time of this chapter, just know that Link is ALWAYS precisely 1 rank behind them. It must be infuriating to be outdone by some Italian stereotypes who don't even do their own plumbing.
…What? You want me to spell out his backstory right this minute? No no no! You have to be more patient, storytelling is an art! We'll get there all in good time. Really wish a sponsor would pick me up so I could afford to actually eat something that isn't instant ramen or shit I stole from the dumpster. It's good food, it doesn't expire for another week. Link can relate.
Wait hold on, did this gaming youtuber I watch just get sponsored by a fucking Lawfirm? Dude. Whatever man.
This time, Link or as he is more commonly referred to as at the Ranch, STINK due to his propensity for cleaning up the horse stables all day, was finally hot on the trail of the next big rank. He needed rupees to continue to fund his obsessive photography, I mean, passionate independent hobby! Well that and after his last flubbed journey, he was indebted to his uncle who sustained the costs for him to stay the past few months until he was able to find work and get back on his feet again.
"If this doesn't solidify me as a legend again, nothing will!" He spoke to his hat, Ezlo, who was now just an ordinary hat. In other words, he was talking to himself. What? Go play Minish Cap if you want more info! Yeah yeah, I know, you're probably pulling up an LP or wiki article as we speak. Whatever, your loss. I bet you like the overrated Zelda games, like Skyward Sword or Link's Crossbow Training. Don't ask me for anything in my DMs ever again.
So Link tried to catch the Toad's Town train to the wild, wild west or something like that. I can't be bothered to go back and read it. I think they went to a fucking Dragon Quest 9 town. Dude, you could have fucking gone to any other town in the entire video game franchise but I chose Dragon Quest 9!? I'm sorry for being such a hack.
Link then decided to hail a cab, however he didn't bother even lifting his hand all the way up, only half way. This came off as Insensitive and racist. So unfortunately for Link, he took hailing a cab to a whole new meaning. Inside the rundown cab was a stretchy looking man. He donned a frilly looking outfit that was rather high class for a cab driver. He had very bushy eyebrows and a star that could make a child cry.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?" The cab driver said in a drunken stammer.
Link, already inside the cab, told him with vague gestures to head towards Coffinwell.
"NAME IS INGO. GOT THE CASH?" The driver shouted.
"No. But I do have a kinstone." Said Link.
"YOU A FUCKING STUPID? KINSTONE ARE WORTH- WORTH… ABOUT AS MUCH AS A KIDNEY STONE." Ingo said spitting out his Diet Chateau Romani. Yep, THAT just happened!
Link rolled his eyes. But a blue lantern went off in his head. He thus thought of a clever idea to trick the drunken driver.
"I know Malon. She can get you some fresh Chateau Romani. That isn't a bargain bin Diet watered down piss. I know her, I-Er uh, she's my girlfriend." Said Link.
"OH? THE REAL?" Said Ingo already driving and on the wrong side of the horse track. "BUT NOT SHE IS MARRIED TO KAFEI?"
Link used all what little energy he wanted to use to just shrug as an answer. Ingo stared at him for a good bit until he realized several Hylian guards were chasing after them. Ingo floored the horse peddle, aka he just swung his whip harder and the horses were Faster Than The Speed Of Love.
"AH, FUZZ." Said Ingo, cracking open another cold one, but it was out in the sun so warm one.
Link was already too deep. He could have pretended to be a hostage, but he realized the guards were also likely after him because he did notice Malon caught him taking a picture of her in the bath. He also did kind of notice just now the guards were also at his house earlier. He also just noticed the author wrote a bit of a fucked up ending to the Kafei and Anju quest line where he takes Cermia instead. I also just realized I confused the sisters. So did Kafei just-
Whatever, it's Adult Malon.
Link pulled out his bow and quickly put it away as he didn't have arrows. He did however have several modern firearms that Ingo was illegally possessing. He knew what they were, but the guards didn't. He then pulled out a rifle and fired away.
"Oh wait, I could have just pretended to be a hostage. I could have pinned the candid pictures on Ingo too. Shit I JUST KILLED A COP." Link sighed. "Ah Deku Nuts…I've just hookshotted my way out of a Lens Of Truth. Now I'm gonna end up Bomchuing my way into- IS THAT GANON?"
Just then Ganondorf appeared. He then leaped on top of the cart cab and then fired his magic at the guards, turning them into green chu-chu's who then attacked the other guards. Ganon then did a flip and landed next to Link inside the cab.
"OH FUCK IT'S LINK. Oh, you don't have the mastersword." Said Ganon.
"The what?" Said Link.
"Master Sword. The Bane of Evil?" Said Ganon.
"Huh?" Said Link.
"The- Never mind." Said Ganon.
"What? Where are you gonna say something?" Said Link.
"Yup." Said Ganon.
"Huh?" Said Link.
"Never mind." Said Ganon.
"Ok" Said Link.
Then Ganon suddenly remembered he had a date with Ma Vreedle and he accidentally left his clean clothes in the dryer! So he quickly teleported back home. Where does he live? Good question, I WON'T provide an answer because if I let you use your imagination then it's not a plot hole!
"Yep, that makes sense." Said Link, and I guess he's right when you think about it.
Where were we again? Oh right! So Link remembered that he had Nayru's Love and he could have just saved himself on horse fare money by teleporting. However, he hadn't used it in a long time and it got crusty from staying under his bed for so many years, so it didn't work as well as it used to. This didn't even register in Ingo's mind, he figured it was another one of his infamous bad trips. Talon did always try to warn his brother about ingesting the Odd Mushroom he found in Gerudo's Fortress…
And so, Link comedically fell a long, long drop until he made a cartoony SPLAT noise. When he looked around, he saw that he was next to a derailed train cart with a few dead toads inside. Even more curiously, there were a bunch of Mega Men corpses piled up and even a not-so-Mighty No. 9. "Wait, so I did it? I won?" Link figured his random act of freak warping involuntarily managed to get him to rank up. It was his lucky break! Or so he thought, until Sylvia showed up and told him:
"Oh, what a shock. Link being late again? Color me surprised!"
"Hold on, don't tell me THEY were here too!" Link began to sulk into his hat until it was sodden wet.
"Yep, good going there, champ." Sylvia gave a pity clap. "You know what that means."
"I get bumped up a rank?" He hoped she'd fall for it.
"Nope, you get demoted a level." She did not, dang.
This was the final straw. Link is tired of playing fiddle to a bunch of mustacheod pricks. Yeah, I said it! Much like how I'm tired of critics leaving me bad reviews on Yelp! I mean, Costco, right.
"Where are they heading now?" Link said with a scowly face, the kind my girlfriend makes whenever I try to take the blanket from her at night.
"Umm, weren't you paying attention to the last chapter? Or were you too busy being pervy again?" Slyvia scoffed at Link like loser.
"I told you, it's called investigative research!" Link sheepishly defended himself like a simp.
"Uh huh, not buying it. What's your beef with those two again, anyway? I think the auth- er, authors forgot to account for that in the story."
"Oh yes, my dark brooding backstory. It all started back when I first defeated Vaati with only 3 hearts, back when that meant something…"
Then Link rambled on about some nonsense about things that probably, in fact, were complete fabrications in order to hype himself up and garner some sympathy. It failed to stick the landing, I couldn't even be bothered to think of a reasonable excuse, it was probably no more embarrassing than they cut him off in line at a StarBean Cafe one day or something equally as petty. Hmm, come to think of it, if we had to make it personal to him, probably something like the Mario Bros. reporting him to the authorities for trying to assault Princess Peach. Or any woman really, Link shouldn't be trusted to be in a 30 mile radius with any living, breathing person let alone a woman! No, I didn't mean that to sound condescending or sexist, just sexy if anything. Sorry, my mind is going to places because I'm tired.
"Hey, I read that!" Link said. "That does it. I'm gonna go have an AWESOME off-screen adventure, and it's going to be great! It'll be WAY better than anything those lame mushroom eating, hammer flinging do-gooders could ever muster!"
He then tripped on a rock. Good riddance, what gives him the nerve to act like that? I ought to write him out of the story for that! And I will, but later. Trust me, it's funnier this way.
So then, thus ends the brief tale of Stink the mule farmer or something like that. Look, I didn't expect tonight to get so busy, so this might not be up to par with the usual quality you've come to expect but if I learned anything from Tetsuya Nomura, it's that this approach to non-sequential storytelling will weave a rich, interwoven narrative down the line! Might take a few years for this payoff, probably some unnecessary spin off midquel or something.
But for now, tune in next time when we get back to the REAL story already in progress!
No, I'm not deleting everything we wrote here.
