Entry 1
"Dear Diary,
Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile, and I will be believable. I'll smile and say, 'I'm fine, thank you. Yes, I feel much better.' I'll no longer be the sad little girl who lost her parents. I will start fresh. Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through.
This morning, on our way to school, Bonnie and I almost got into a car accident. A huge black bird flew straight into the windshield, startling us both. Bonnie reflexively slammed on the brakes. We skidded several feet, and I braced myself for the impending impact.
My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. For one brief moment, I flashed back on the car accident which killed my parents. I wondered why I had survived one car crash, only to die in another.
Guess I'll never know. Bonnie managed to keep control of the her car, and brought it to an abrupt halt in the middle of the street. As I worked to calm my rapid heartbeat, Bonnie found her voice and profusely apologized for scaring the hell out of both of us.
When I could talk, I told her I was okay. It's not like she intentionally tried to make us wreck. Once we had both calmed down enough, Bonnie started the car in motion again, and fortunately the rest of our trip to school was uneventful.
Oh, wait. I forgot to mention about Bonnie telling me she was psychic or a witch or something. At least, that's what her grandmother told her. We both had a good laugh over it.
It felt good, but weird, to be back at school. Most of the last semester was a blur due to the shock and grief of my parents' deaths, and my body recovering from the injuries I had sustained in the accident. I felt eyes upon me as Bonnie and I walled from the student parking lot to the building, and pointedly ignored the stares.
I had a brief moment of panic when we started down the crowded hallway to our locker. Bonnie, Caroline, and I had chosen lockers next to each other when we were all lowly freshmen, and I was grateful for the normalcy. We had barely reached them, when Caroline came rushing up to us.
Caroline is lively and vivacious, and totally wrapped up in her own world. She welcomed me back at school with a glad cry and hug, before turning to Bonnie and inquiring how I was doing! As if I wasn't even standing right there! It's actions like this lately that has made me a little less willing to share my feelings with Caroline anymore.
I was just opening my mouth to tell Caroline that if she wanted to know how I was feeling, that she could ask me, when Caroline saw another friend down the hall, and abruptly walked off. I watched her go, and then exchanged a knowing look with Bonnie. Besides Bonnie, Caroline is my closest friend. I love her, but sometimes I don't understand how her mind works.
Jeremy...I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I gave him a pass on his recent extracurricular activities because honestly I wasn't in any real shape to help him, but now that I've gotten my own self reasonably straightened out, now I've got to get him back on track.
The drinking, smoking pot, and God knows what else he's been doing, is going to stop! That's not really him. I know he's hurting, so am I, but mom and dad wouldn't want him to destroy his life. They would want him to be happy, and I'm going to see to it that he is, even if I have to force it down his throat.
Matt. I know he's hurt and confused that I ended our relationship. I'm sorry that I hurt him, and wish I hadn't, but staying in a relationship with him was wrong. I still love him, I probably always will, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. I don't think I ever really was. I value our friendship too much to pretend to feel something different for him, than I do. I hope that in time, he'll forgive me. There's nothing more I'd like than for us to remain friends.
Stefan Salvatore. Bonnie was right when she said he was smoking hot. Alright, she actually said his backside was; I say all of him. He's the whole yummy package. He has these amazing forest green eyes and handsome features. His gorgeous gelled dark brown hair looked so soft, I had to fight the impulse to run my fingers through it.
That would have been totally embarrassing. Okay, that should be MORE embarrassing, considering I met him coming out of the men's bathroom. If that wasn't bad enough, I ran into him again at the cemetery. I've been going there a few times a week to visit my parents' graves. I talk to them or simply write in my journal. It makes me feel close to them, and one of the few places I can actually be alone with my thoughts.
Stefan must think I'm a total weirdo. I mean, the men's restroom and a cemetery is not exactly on the list of places to meet up with hot guys. Geez, I can't imagine what he must think of me! He probably thinks I'm a pathetic loser.
Bet he steers clear of me from here on out, but I hope not. There's something about his quiet demeanor that makes me want to get to know him better. Yes, he's hot, and I am definitely attracted to him, but it's more than physical attraction. I sense a hidden sadness and longing in him that makes me want to comfort him. I feel drawn to him in a way I've never felt drawn to another boy, including Matt.
For the first time in a long while, I'm actually looking forward, instead of wallowing in the past. I actually want to go to school and face the hazards of high school education, because I know Stefan will be there. I want to see him again. I HAVE TO see him again.
