*Updated 6/14/22*

I am the first born out of all my brothers...or so it goes to say.

All born on the same day, just minutes apart from one another. After one, it was the next, and so on and so on until the last one of us came out. Six in total. All identical in looks. We are sextuplets, and I am the first of the bunch.

On another note, an interesting thing to wonder about are the "what ifs". Since we are all identical, and we all look exactly alike, a couple of things come into question: What if we were accidentally switched at birth? What if I, 'Osomatsu' were actually not the oldest, but rather the second, third, or fourth? Perhaps maybe I am actually the fifth? Or the sixth? Perhaps instead of 'Osomatsu', I was actually supposed to be 'Karamatsu', or 'Todomatsu'. Twins being switched at birth or mistaken for one another in early childhood isn't unheard of, and the probability of such isn't exactly the rarest occurrence either – this especially could be the case when those 'twins' actually number in six. You can probably guess that in the case of sextuplets such as us, it would be easy to be "misplaced" or "switched" with one another. Heck, I'll admit that sometimes I even mix my own brothers up, despite the fact that we all have distinct personalities and different quirks. Could you image the circumstances years back from when we were nearly indistinguishable?

But in the end, I am still Osomatsu, because that is what I am known as. I have been 'Osomatsu' all of my life, and with that title comes the obligation of being known as the oldest. I am the first brother, and nobody else has that authority.

And I am acknowledged as such too by my brothers. Even though we were born of the same year, on the same month, and on the same day, they recognize me as their big brother, their 'onii-san'. And they call me as such, whether with loving fondness or with an acute disdain, they still manage to refer to me as some iteration of 'onii-san'.'Osomatsu nii-san', is one form of it, and simply 'nii-san' is another. Sometimes even a 'nii-chan' will get thrown into the bunch as well. And, while I don't always openly admit it, I do enjoy it, the little names that they call me. And that is what they refer to me as, for the most part.

Yes, just for the most part. But, as you probably know, most is not all. And herein lies the problem: not all of my brothers refer to me as 'nii-san'. While to most of them, I am Osomatsu nii-san, there is but one who refuses to call me such, one who refuses to acknowledge me as the oldest.

Yes, it is the one designated second of the bunch – Karamatsu.

Born a mere twenty minutes after me, or so my mother puts it, he is second out of the six. Flagrantly brazen, unashamedly ostentatious, and extremely painful to the core, Karamatsu is the brother a rank below I. Though, despite all of these undesirable...(and rather unfortunate as well) 'peculiarities' of his, Karamatsu for the most part lovingly dotes on his siblings, as he is rather fond of them...

That is, with the exception of me of course.

You see, as the second oldest, Karamatsu also shares the title of being one of the 'oldest brothers'. To him, he is in the same boat as I, and views us a duo rather than through a hierarchical lens – one of which in where I am above him. In Karamatsu's view, there are 'two' older brothers rather than one, and both have to set an example for the other four youngest. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as even to claim that Karamatsu wishes that he were the oldest brother. He looks to my standing as oldest with sheer disdain, seeing me not befitting of that title. To Karamatsu, I am the antithesis of the ideal older brother. To Karamatsu, he himself would be a superior, more idealistic 'oldest'. And perhaps he isn't particularly wrong with feeling that way.

'Osomatsu nii-san' doesn't exist in his vocabulary other than in times of duress, or as a quick sarcastic quip that's intended to be antagonistic towards me. As both a brother and as a person, the image he has of me is poor. And, as you already probably guessed by now, he most likely loathes me more than the rest of the bunch – especially since I am the oldest. Karamatsu usually interacts with the others in a kind and endearing matter, but when it comes to me, there are only feelings of slight resentment and total indifference.

So, I admit, I am not the greatest, nor the most ideal form of an 'oldest brother'. And, admittedly Karamatsu is not the only one who feels that way, seeing as the others believe me to be contemptuous as well...But that's not the point! The point of the matter is that Karamatsu refuses to call me what I really am – his 'onii-chan'!. Everyone else says it in some way or form, but whenever I interact with Karamatsu, I only get a cold shoulder and,

"Aniki," or

"Bruzzah," or, most dreadfully,

"Osomatsu."

I already said this, but the last one is the worse of all! No cute pet names, nor anything signalling that I am his older brother. Just a plain ol' "Osomatsu". The lack of honorifics makes it especially cold and devoid of any semblance of love! Karamatsu! How can you do this to your 'onii-chan'! Heck, I am Karamatsu's ONLY older brother. Since he's second in line, he only has one older brother – one that he should cherish that is! How could you treat your only big brother like this Karamatsu!? Your only 'onii-chan'?! Don't you love me, Karamatsu!?

Now, it may seem that I am acting extremely painful – more so than Karamatsu with his terrible tirades. However, I am not going to apologize for making you cringe at my frantic and uncanny display, because this is a very important matter. A very, very, important matter. So the painfulness has an excuse for now. Why is it important you say? I've said it time and time again so I think you are well aware by now – Karamatsu is the only brother who refuses to truly acknowledge me as his big brother.

That is a problem.

I refuse to let this game of cat and mouse continue any longer, so I have begun to plan out a solution. It's still somewhat in the workings, but for the most part, I'm just about done. So, you may be thinking, "Just what is your solution?", and in reply to that, I'd have to tell you that what I've constructed is an infallible set of plans that will undoubtedly get Karamatsu to acknowledge me as his 'onii-chan'.

Of course, such an ingenious set of plans couldn't have been made in the absence of a Charisma®, Legend®, such as I. Yes, soon, I will accomplish my goals – Karamatsu won't know what hit him! He'll be calling me 'Osomatsu nii-chan' in no time!

- Mission I: Operation Intoxication, Prince Charming! -

It's Monday in the mid-afternoon when the sky is still bright and vividly blue in color. While this may seem like a typical afternoon, today was different for one particular and important reason – only Karamatsu and I were home. All the others went off to do their thing some time ago:

Fappymatsu went on some gross otaku-riddled binge downtown at a new shop that recently opened up.

Ichimatsu probably went off to go diddle some cat somewhere.

Jyushimatsu did the usual and went to go play baseball...if you would call it that.

And Totty went with mom to go beauty shopping...much to her misery.

So it was just me and Painfulmatsu in the house. We were in the same room all day, and yet we haven't gone so far as to utter a word to one another. I was on one side, far away from Karamatsu that is, reading some manga that I had sneakily taken out of Fappyski's stack. It was the typical lame stuff that he reads – something to do with middle-school girls doing cutesy club activities and yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Sure there were some panty-shots and other types of scrupulous things here and there for the readers' amusement, but what type of weirdo other than a shitty otaku such as Fappymatsu gets turned on by stuff like this?

Shittymatsu on the other hand was sitting at the chabudai, staring proudly at his reflection through a hand-held mirror. The look in his eye seemed so intense, it was almost as if he were entranced by his visage reflected before him (he probably was). With a small grunt of approval, his eyes begun to twinkle as he continued to gaze into his reflection.

If I weren't focused on the more important thing at hand, I would have turned away from the sight in order to escape the growing urge to kill myself. For sure, Karamatsu was the definition of painful.

'Alright,' I thought to myself, 'Time to initiate Mission I: Intoxication, Operation Prince Charming.'

I closed the manga I was reading and rose up from my seated position on the floor. I didn't want to rise up too fast in fear of spooking Karamatsu or seeming desperate. I gotta' play this out smoothly.

Fortunately, he hadn't noticed that I moved just yet, and was still fixated on his own gaze through the mirror. Slowly, casually, and rather stylishly, (not in an exaggerated matter of course, just subtly enough to give me a cool, awesome 'onii-chan' sort of look) I began walking over to Karamatsu. I stopped just behind him, not too close, nor too far. Just so much so that he could acknowledge my presence. Don't want to mess things up now. Got to be cool.

However, Karamatsu still didn't sense that I was behind him – he was too intent on looking at his face in the mirror.

Now, I would of called his name by now to get his attention, but that's not really my intention right now since I'm trying to play things cool.

I mustered up a fabricated cough and made sure to make it loud. Still no response. I did it again and Shittymatsu still refused to look my way

'Alright Shittymatsu, if you want to play the hard game I'll play hard.'

I then sighed really loud into the air and began to whistle a little tune that I heard on the radio all the time.

Shittymatsu didn't budge. He was too mesmerized by his shit reflection. Ah, he is so painful...

'Dammit Shittymatsu,' I thought as felt myself becoming increasingly irritated, 'Why must you make things so complicated for your totally ©awesome and ©spectacular "onii-chan"?'

Shittymatsu was making me lose my patience so I went out of the room into the kitchen, grabbed a couple of beers in the fridge, and made my way back into the room. Not surprisingly, the dumbass was still turned on by himself, staring longingly into the mirror. I felt an irate sigh leave my lips as I plunked down on the opposite side of the chabudai – slamming a can of beer on the table as well for an extra, dramatized effect.

It took a whole fifteen seconds, (I counted), for this idiot to have the actual audacity to pry his stupid looking face away from the mirror and direct his attention my way. What the hell is up with this idiot's reaction time!?

"Ah, Osomatsu. What brings your attention to me today?" Karamatsu asked, still dazed by the tantalizing view of his visage in the mirror.

"...so...gross..."

"Hmmmm...? What was that? I could not hear you Osomatsu. Perhaps you should be more outspoken in your word so that I may hear you," Karamatsu remarked, as his eyes continued to twinkle in abundance, only to be rivaled by the forever shining, continuously sparkling luminaries that scattered across the black abyss of the night sky. (GROSS!)

'Ah, he's so painful it hurts,' I caught myself thinking about the terrible pain Shittymatsu inflicts upon others, 'But, like I said, that's not the important thing to worry about right now. I have to focus on my mission.'

"Listen...Karamatsu..." I began, but then I remembered that I had brought beer for this occasion. "Wait, before I start, here, take a beer."

I grabbed a beer from the floor and pushed it towards the other side of the table, where Karamatsu was seated. By now, that atrocious ogling and sparkling eyes of his was gone and was now replaced by a normal expression – albeit one that seemed a bit perplexed at my gesture. His eyebrows furrowed slightly in uncertainty as he slowly grabbed for the beer.

"What's up? Why are you giving me this?"

"What do you think? Just drink it already Shittymatsu," I replied to his concern in a rather nonchalant and easygoing matter, "Onii-chan just wants to talk to you."

"...okay...?" he remarked somewhat suspiciously as he furrowed his brows even more. "What's wrong?"

I paused for a moment and simply stared inattentively at the table in a contemplative deliberation. My plan was ingenious, but since Karamatsu had to be Shittymatsu, I somewhat lost track of what I was supposed to be doing right about now.

"Err...Osomatsu...?"

The sound of Karamatsu voice aroused me from my pondering and suddenly, it all came back to me. Now I remember my mission.

"Sorry about that, just got a little out of it," Karamatsu's face slightly budged, still giving me a look of suspicion, but one of slight concern as well. "Anyways, Karamatsu, there's an important reason as to why I am talking to you right now. Do you know what that is?" My intent was to question him in a stern over-the-top manner, but there was a slight playfulness in my voice. That's a good thing however, as it only makes things simpler as he eases in to what I want. Don't need to come off too strongly.

"Uh...no."

"Hmmph, as I thought."

I crossed my legs and my arms and looked him in the eye without saying a word, waiting patiently for him to say something in return. I may seem a bit annoying and stubborn myself right about now, but just watch and see. This is all according to my master plan.

"..."

"..."

"...Ah, Osomatsu," he said while flicking a strand of hair from his forehead. He was trying to put on his 'cool' front again yet the irritation slightly growing in his voice was clearly evident. "Would you please explain exactly why you are so upset with me?"

"Hmph. Well, I'll tell you this. You are the only one I'm having trouble with in regards to this 'issue' right now. You, and only you. Not Choromatsu, not Ichimatsu or Jyushimatsu, nor am I having problems with Todomatsu. Just Karamatsu. Now, did I give you a better idea as to why I'm upset?"

"Umm...no. No you didn't."

"Fine then. I'll give you another hint but that's all. I'm your older brother correct?"

"...Yes...yes you are...Just what are you trying to get at here Oso-" Before he could finish, I cut him off.

"Well, as your older brother, and, well, your only older brother that is, mind you, I find myself deserving of...hmmm...you know...a certain type of respect...a certain type of acknowledgement that you never gave me. Do you get where I'm getting at here?" I ask, pouting slightly for emphasis.

"...no."

"Well then guess!" I exclaim mischievously, raising my voice slightly higher. "What could your Onii-chan be so upset about?"

I looked at Karamatsu once more and it appeared that his face now contorted into a more aggravated expression. Apparently, he didn't exactly feel like playing today.

"Look it, Osomatsu," he said has he placed his can of beer back onto the table, "...you know, it would be much easier on me if you would just tell me the problem that you have with me."

"Nuh-uh, I already gave you hints. Now you just have to guess. C'mon, what did you do to hurt your Onii-chan?"

"...I don't know." He said matter-of-fact-ly and rather monotonously.

"C'mon Karamatsu. Guess!"

"...no."

"Karamatsu!"

"I don't know."

"Karamatsu-chan~!"

"I already told you that I don't know!"

"KARAMACHAN~!"

Karamatsu pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance and quickly rose from his seat, groaning loudly. "I don't have time for this," he mumbled.

"No wait! Karamachu~! Don't go~! Don't leave!" Unfortunately, he didn't heed my words and went to go on about his way.

"That's the issue! That's the issue right there! You don't take me seriously! You refuse to see me as your older brother! You don't think of me as your 'onii-chan'!"

Karamatsu suddenly stopped and turned around. The confusion that was on his face earlier not only returned, but morphed into absolute bewilderment.

"What are you trying to get at here?"

I slammed my hands onto the table and quickly rose from my seat, mimicking the same movements as him. Dramatic yes, but as I said, this is all part of the plan to lure him. Flagrant displays are vital for my cause. So bear with me for now.

"Well, you see Karamatsu, I already know you loathe my position as the oldest brother – you wish it were you in my stead, correct?"

"...Where is this coming from, Osomats-"

I began pacing around the room, with my arms still crossed and tightly positioned around my chest. "Yes, I know you feel this way about me Karamatsu. I think it's blatantly obvious with the way you treat me as compared to the others. You're not an angel, but I do admit that you are the nicest out of all of us. You act so fondly towards your younger brothers, and yet, when it comes to me, all I get is a cold shoulder. Sure we hang out at times, and sure, there is a connection between us seeing as we are the oldest of the bunch, but other than that, all I feel from you is coldness and condescension."

"..."

Before he could utter another word, I continued on with my little rant, "And I know what you're going to say. You're just going to go on about how I need to be a better older brother, and how I don't set an example for you all. But guess what Karamatsu? Guess what? All of them, every single one of them, Fappymatsu, Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu, and Totty, all of them see me as their older brother, their precious 'Onii-san' even though they think of me as a total shit-head. Every. Single. One. Except for you that is. You are the only one, Karamatsu, that refuses to acknowledge my place as older brother. Can you imagine how that makes me feel?"

The expression on Karamatsu's face was unexplainable. Actually, let me reiterate; the expression on Karamatsu's face was blank, but I could tell just by looking at him that he was probably wondering what the absolute hell was wrong with me right about this moment.

"...uhhh...Is this what you're actually upset about?" He asked.

"Aha! So everything I said was true! I knew it! Man, Karamatsu, do you not have any love for your Onii-chan? The only older brother that you have?"

"What the hell did you do Osomatsu? Did you splurge all your money on horse races and pachinko again?" Guess Karamatsu saw my difference in behavior as a front for hiding something. But that's not it, Karamatsu!

"I'll tell you what I want!" I declared triumphantly, "I want you to see me as your big brother! I want you to call me, 'Onii-chan'!"

"No."

"PLEASE?"

"No."

"Christ, Karamatsu! Why do you have to make things so complicated? Why can't you just call me 'Onii-chan' or, or something like that and get it over with!"

"Well Osomatsu," Karamatsu started as he began to slightly rub his temple – a clear sign of his annoyance. "As you've already stated, and I do apologize for being so blunt, but you are a total shit-head. You are a shitty oldest brother and you are undeserving of that role. I try to straighten you up time and time again into being a proper influence towards our younger brothers, but in the end, you always end up being the literal human embodiment of garbage. To put it frankly, you are scummy, even when compared to the rest of us, and are not someone to be looked up to."

I bit my tongue before I hurled something disparaging right back at him. I admit, I was a tad bit offended from hearing 'it' (by 'it', I mean everything I already knew about how he felt about me...though it hurt more when he actually said it) from him, but I chose to be the bigger person.

"Alright Karamatsu, I already knew that...but as I've said! You aren't the only brother to feel that way! So why do you act differently from the rest?"

"Hmmph," In a fashionable way, Karamatsu's eyes began to sparkle once more as he slapped a piece of hair away from his forehead. He then smirked gloatingly, and said, "Because of my intense love for my bruzzahs and my unbriddled, burning passion of setting a good example for them, I, Karamatsu, must take on the starring role of being a proper older bruzzah, so that my they may emulate my ways as they stride through the many tidings of life. That is why, Osomatsu, I cannot submit to referring to you as my older brother, because then, I would not be able to make an impression on my younger bruzzahs. Do you understand? I must not refer to you as my older brother, because we must be on the same level. As a matter of fact, I must be the pinnacle, the peak! I must be at the very top!"

Whatever Karamatsu was rambling about, I could barely hear him. It wasn't that it wasn't loud enough – no, it was actually too loud. And by that I mean that it was too much to bear. I hurriedly covered my ears and blocked out his painful sutras before he had a chance to kill me. "Ouch, ouch, ouch, so painful. I'm cringing in pain! Ah! Help me somebody! The painnnnnn~"

"Hmmm?" Karamatsu looked at me once again, inquiringly. That stupid looking smirk and those horrifying glittering eyes were still plastered on that ugly mug of his!

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it an' all," I lied as I pretended I heard every word that had escaped his mouth, "But, no matter what, I'm still your Onii-chan. And just like everyone else, you should refer to me as such. I came first, Karamatsu came second, so Karamatsu should acknowledge his and my position. Stop looking down on me!"

"Sorry Osomatsu, but you're too low of a person to view as my older brother. Sure, you are, but I'll never ever truly see you as one. I have to take the stand and be the example."

"As if! You are no better an older brother than I am! All you do is look down on me and act as if you were disgusted by me." For added effect, I began to heighten the pitch of my voice and whine.

"It's not hard to be a better older brother than you, Osomatsu. And, I do apologize once again, as I cannot help looking down on you."

"Aha! There you go again! Well you know what! None of this matters anyway! I will make you call me onii-chan whether you like it or not!"

"No, no you will not." And with that, Karamatsu once more began turning towards the door. But before he could leave, I blocked his way from the exit, and outstretched my hands.

"Please move out of my way, Osomatsu." By the grouchy look on Karamatsu's face, I could tell that he was very annoyed.

"No! Now's the time I'll set my plan in action! You will submit to me, KA-RA-MA-TSU!"

"Osomatsu I really don't have time for this-"

Now's the time. Now's the time where I really put my plan in to place! Watch and see! Watch and see how Charisma Legend Osomatsu wins his title to victory! My perfect, infallible plan is about to be revealed!

"..."

"...Can you please move out of my way?"

Before Karamatsu could try to push through, I suddenly fell to the ground, head down, with the soles of my palms flat on the floor. Karamatsu was taken aback by my actions, totally flabbergasted.

"What, what are you do-"

"PPLLLLEEEEAAASSSSSEEEEEEEE kArAMACHU~!PLLLLeEeeeeeAAASsSEEEE!" I shouted as I clamped my hands together and began to beg.

"Wha-what...?"

"PLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEE CALL Me YoUR Onii-CHANNN~! DON'T YOu See THAT YOUr OLDER brotER iS In DeSpERATE NEed oF YoUR LoVE~?"

"Osomatsu, get out of the way." Again, he began walking towards the door.

I had to stop him.

"WAIT!" I cried as I grasped tightly onto his legs.

"Get off of me!" He demanded as he began to try to wriggle out of my tightened grasp. He was practically dragging me across the floor.

"KARACHAN~ PwEAsE CaLL me ONIi-cHan`~! P-L-E-A-S-E!"

"Move!"

"KAWAMACHAN~ DONT YOu SEe THaT yOuR oLdeR BRothEr is SAD~?"

"I said MOVE IT, dammit!"

"AH! AHHHHHH!"

Finally, he was able to shake me off of his legs. He did so rather roughly, kicking me in the process, and I went soaring across the room. As he went out, he refused to speak another word to me, none the less even look at me, and went on about his way.

"Ah geez," I moaned as a gradually sat up, "Shittymatsu got a bit rough with me. Ouch! That hurt badly..."

I rubbed the area on my chest where he had kicked me at, trying my best to alleviate the pain. That damn Shittymatsu was such a jerk to me at times. I could have sworn my plan was ingenious! After all, I am extremely charismatic and clever. I couldn't believe that it didn't work!

But anyways, I still have other plans up my sleeve. That Shittymatsu isn't aware that this battle isn't over yet! He will see me as his older brother figure! He will call me 'onii-chan'!