Chapter 1: There is always something missing that torments me. - Camille Claudel

Notes:

i thought it was so unfair of Yoo Yeonha and Boss to be the first to remember Hajin, Kim Suho deserves that right they were so good to each other and never even had those misunderstandings/fights that Hajin had with everyone else !!

also Hajin commented on Suho's body too much to be straight, he's officially a bisexual king and Suho is hajin-sexual, i don't make the rules

(See the end of the chapter formore notes.)

Chapter Text

He's not sure when he started or when he even noticed the number on his smartwatch. Suho just catches himself one day, thumb hovering over 'Send' with a ranting message he'd never send to anyone else.

His noticing is a revelation, in a way. This is him, half-asleep in an office that has his name stuck to a plaque on the door, wondering when he started breathing again. He tries reading his own message out loud and finds that his tongue is stuck to his teeth, scraping the roof of his mouth. This message is the most truthful he's been in years and the thought occurs that he can't send it.

His ribs ache and a sharp phantom pain of his heart ripping itself from his chest turns his vision white. It clears and his thumb has already clicked 'Send'.

This is the truth: Kim Suho did not notice himself start but the idea of stopping hurts more than dying (the first time).

Kim Suho

I don't really know why I keep texting this number

I know it doesn't go anywhere, I checked

But at the same time, it feels relieving

Writing this feels less like speaking to myself and more like speaking to a friend

But sometimes, for no reason, I get sad

And angry. Really, really angry

My heart burns and my head pounds and it feels like Akatrina's destruction all over again

I feel like I'm grieving something large

I don't know what but it hurts

I'm being haunted by something I can't remember what

Suho brushed his fingers through the soft fur of the blanket. Its bold red bled onto his fingers and he pulled back, watching the imprint of his hand meld away slowly. He looked down at his hands, his clean skin and blood-soaked hands. He gingerly placed his hand back and shivered as a pang of cold swept through him.

He wanted to pull the blanket around his shoulders, clutch the rough fabric with possessive fingers, and stay until the warm red of the blanket brought back the feeling in his chest. A call rang through his smartwatch and Suho pulled away without a second glance to answer.

"Chae Nayun," Suho smiled as he spoke, surprise flittering over his face, "You're not in trouble, are you?"

He could hear Chae Nayun roll her eyes fondly, "I don't only call when I'm in trouble." It was a rather bald-faced lie, and they both knew it. Chae Nayun was always trouble.

"If you say so," He said, trying to smother a disbelieving smile. "It's nice to talk to you. We've all been very busy lately."

"So you haven't heard from them either," Chae Nayun guessed, sighing. "Yeonha-ya1and Shin Jonghak have both been at the frontlines of monster swarms recently but I was hoping they'd at least call you."

"Me? Why would they call me before you," Suho frowned down at his watch. "You're both of their best friends."

Chae Nayun laughed nervously, a tad bit exasperated. "No reason. I was just checking."

"I'll keep an eye out for them," Suho promised, "Seung-Ah's sending me there next week to cut down the monster's numbers so they can't push past the barricade. I'll make sure they're okay."

"Good," Chae Nayun said after a long pause. "I'm not actually worried, don't make this a big deal. Just don't ghost me like they did or I'll beat you up."

He couldn't hide his laughter this time, "I would never dream of it. Take care Nayun."

"You too," She said simply before ending the call.

Suho took a second to watch the vibrant red mink blanket. He imagined for a second the feeling of falling asleep in it, taking a day off for the first time in months just to spend the day snuggled up and safe in bed. He imagines how many people would die with no one there to protect them, and how their deaths would be another weight to crush him with.

The vibrant red of the blanket stains his hands and he already has too much red on them so he walks far, far away with large strides until there's enough distance for him to breathe again.

Kim Suho

I met up with Yeonha and Jonghak today

We're all working to stop the monster swarm coming from Africa. We're set up around borders in the Middle East right now

I called Nayun as soon as we were all together so I wouldn't forget but it was odd

I don't know if it's because she was the only one missing

But something felt wrong

I kept looking next to me like someone was supposed to be there. I did it so often that even Nayun noticed, mostly because Jonghak said something but still

I don't think I can stand us all being together again

I can't find the right words. It's all just too much at once

But not enough

I keep missing something

Maybe someone

There's a short period of time after defeating Baal where nothing feels real. There are worldwide celebrations, endless amounts of damage to fix, and constant monsters to kill.

Kim Suho remembers the months of joy, of grief, months of a trembling count of the dead, and months of build-up as the world waited with hitched breath and watched to see if the worse really came to pass. It took 2 months for Yi Yeonghan to call him blabbering in tears about it all really being over.

There's a much larger stretch of time where Suho stops keeping track of days. He passes the time with missions and reports; numbering the months by how many people he's failed to save. There's so much work to do, so much damage to fix. He had hardly realized 8 months had passed until Yun Seung-Ah called a guild-wide meeting to discuss nationwide preparations for government-funded festivals all across Korea.

"The world is still recovering from Baal and the devils he brought with him but we have persevered for this long," Yun Seung-Ah said, finally at the end of her speech. Suho had accidentally zoned out sometime between"Hello everyone"and"The Rise of African Civilizations". "Which is why Korea and a multitude of other countries are planning festivals to celebrate the defeat of Baal and honor the brave lives that were lost along the way."

"All active guilds are participating and as the 3rd ranked guild we have to put all our effort into this," Yun Seung-Ah trembled slightly as she said the words '3rd ranked'. The loss of their number 1 guild status still hit her pride hard. "We're going to show the world that Korea is still strong!"

The end of her speech rustled up some loud cheers and lots of polite clapping. Yun Seung-Ah looked particularly pleased by it and Suho joined in, a sinking feeling in his chest. This isn't right, but is it wrong?

Yun Seung-Ah stands by a group of second-year cube cadets and he pulls her away as politely as he can. When they're off to the side, where they can both keep an eye on the whole room, she loses her smile and relaxes. "Is something wrong, Kim Suho?"

"Should we really be holding a festival so soon," The words come off quieter than he means, harsher too. "It hasn't even been a year. Why—?" He can't finish his sentence, his words losing themselves. "People have lost so much, should we really be celebrating that?"

Her eyes trail across his face and she frowns at whatever she finds on it. "Preparations are being made in advance. It's going to last for two weeks leading up to the day Baal was killed. On the day of, stones engraved with the dead's names are being revealed all across the world. It was all in my speech."

"We don't have to wallow in grief to honor everything we've lost." She says, not unkindly. "And you don't have to pretend you haven't lost anything either. We are the people's hope. They need to see we're human too and that starts by letting yourself grieve. That's when they can accept the truth and start moving on."

"I didn't lose anything," Suho says, thinking of his parents still alive in this world, thinking of the apartment he didn't lose even when so many others did, thinking of all the friends he hasn't lost yet. He got off easy. He always has been lucky. "I have nothing to grieve."

Yun Seung-Ah watches him, really looking for just a minute. She takes his arm and turns it to face her, suddenly turning his smartwatch on. It's low battery and she looks unimpressed by that fact but steadily keeps his wrist in place, even when he tries pulling away. He freezes when she pulls up his messages and his face goes red at the sheer number of unanswered texts he's got.

"You have so many friends, Kim Suho," She whispers harshly. "But you're so caught up in guilt. You're very egotistical for that, blaming yourself for all of it. You can't be the only one responsible for the world, it doesn't revolve around you."

"You've lost so much time and friends because of your bleeding heart. It'll affect your work one day and I don't keep slackers on my payroll." Yun Seung-Ah pulls back, her face suitably blank. She had dropped his wrist without him realizing and she pushed it back down before Suho could do it himself.

As she stepped past him she finally smiled, eyes wrinkled almost convincingly. "Take the day off. Go home. I'll handle your paperwork for the night."

"Thank you," He says in lieu of anything else. He's not sure what else hecouldsay. She's gone though and he can't tell if she heard. Or cared.

He wonders for the first time how much he's lost by burying himself in his work. Suho leaves early for the first time and when he gets to his apartment he trails dust lines on his furniture and walks into his bedroom. There is no bed there, just a desk and a few boxes. He had barely signed the lease when the tower nonsense started, let alone had time to properly move in.

The windows are in a beautiful spot to show off the sky. As the sun dips ever lower, he spots the waning glow of the moon framed between the glass panes. There are some smudges that could be ancient fingerprints or just stars. Suho lies on the floor and spends the night wondering.

Kim Suho

It's only a few months till a year since everyone defeated Baal. I hadn't really realized until now how long it's been.

There's going to be a festival celebrating the anniversary. I don't love the idea.

It feels wrong to be wasting all this money when it could be going to death gratuity or rebuilding the cities wiped out by demons. It's just all so performative.

Korea and other countries are just trying to save face and show we're still strong but aren't people more important than ego?

The public might need this though. Maybe this is the moral boost everyone needs

I just wish we hadn't lost so many people. People need heroes more than ever and we lost so many fighting the devils

I can't help feeling guilty about that fact.

If I had only realized my own potential and stopped holding myself back then maybe I could've saved more people. I could've kept more families together.

If he had been there he could've saved more people

He

Who was I talking about? I think I got confused for a second and I lost my train of thought

That keeps happening more often

It might be one of those side effects Yeonha's researching. I should probably ask her about it

Eventually

Suho has tried, really tried to get out more and not focus so much on work. He makes plans with his friends and starts traveling outside of Korea, he even goes to England for a few days to visit Rachel and check in on Evandel. The young witch was very talented and super adorable. She also loved fried chicken and seemed to smell like lingering cigarette smoke, even though Rachel didn't smoke.

He had even gotten a bed put into his apartment, with help from an annoyed Jonghak to move it. It was a tasteful black-on-black look, or that's what Nayun said when she came to visit. Suho personally thought that the color scheme, while muted, was comforting. He didn't really have a reason, he just liked black.

All this to say; an attempt was made not to be a workaholic (Yi Yeonghan's words, not his). That attempt, mighty as it was, was failing.

"I can handle the goblin nest myself. The rest of you should go enjoy the festival." Suho offered, smiling as charmingly as he could while resolutely pretending he 'forgot' Yun Seung-Ah's pointed reminder about his PTO.

Lee Soo-Ae, a cube cadet who always stared after him with stars in her eyes, giggled lightly. "We don't mind. You more than anyone deserve to go celebrate."

Suho tried to hide his grimace with a thin smile, "I insist. Really."

Lee Soo-Ae tugged at her hair, dirty blond coiled around her pointer, "You were the one who cleared the tower, really this festival's for you since—"

Park Sehun, who apparently didn't like being spoken for, elbowed her in the ribs. "Thank you seonbae-nim2. We're very grateful."

"It's nothing," He relaxed at Park Sehun ending the back and forth. It could've gotten awkward fast. "Please enjoy the festival."

The group shuffled off with murmured thanks and Suho leaned back in his chair bonelessly. Yun Seung-Ah probably wouldn't be too happy if she knew he was going to solo a monster nest– even one belonging to goblins– on what should've been PTO. However, Suho was going to make no move whatsoever to tell her until it was too late for her to stop him.

He shifts guiltily in his seat, trying hard not to imagine how disappointed Yun Seung-Ah would be in him. She took care of him like family and worked to get him the best gear she could and asked for next to nothing but Suho didn't feel right just doing nothing. It makes him anxious.

There's not much time to dwell on that though and Suho gratefully accepts the distraction, keeping himself hyper-focused on putting his gear on and getting ready to fight. By the time he's en route to the goblin nest, the thought is a dull buzz in the back of his head.

Kim Suho

Seung-Ah Noona3got mad at me for clearing a goblin's nest

I wasn't meant to be working that day, or the day after. Not clearing dungeons has made me anxious though

Maybe that's stupid. No other hero I know has talked about getting anxious doing nothing.

They all seem so happy to have vacation days during the festival.

I'm very jealous of them. I want what they have.

Why do they get to be so relaxed?

Ah.

That makes me feel like a bad person. I shouldn't think that way.

The festival's almost over. Tomorrow is the last day. All the memorials are getting revealed, Korea has a lot, not as many as some but there are still so many dead…

I'm supposed to show up. I really don't want to. Seung-Ah Noona would probably fire me if I didn't. She cares but she's also pragmatic

It'd be bad for her if I didn't go. I owe her a lot, I have to go.

I have to.

The festival was surprisingly not as bad as he thought it'd be, it was also just as (if not more) draining than he expected. Some people were crying but the majority seemed to enjoy the eccentrics of the festival. When Yun Seung-Ah and other guild leaders began making speeches, the crowds seemed enthralled and clapped especially loud when Yun Seung-Ah mentioned him.

So, his worries unfounded, Suho should be back to normal. But that thump of anxiety just kept building, a sick stone of grief trapped in his chest and building on his shoulders.

He couldn't explain why but even with the festival being over, with Creator's Sacred Grace rising to the 2nd ranked guild, with his friends and family so overjoyed at him reaching out more; he felt worse than ever. It was driving him insane.

That constant knawing of'something's missing, something's missing, where did they go'almost killed him. He got too distracted and Seung-Ah benched him for a week until he got himself together. Suho didn't know if he could.

"Kim Suho," Yi Yeonghan greets him, his usual beaming smile subdued. "Come in."

Suho didn't know why he was there. One second he had been in his apartment and the next he was at Yi Yeonghan's door. The past class president ushered him in, seemingly unsurprised to find Suho at his door, or at least willing to roll with it.

Suho felt distant from his body as Yeonghan sat him on a soft, royal blue couch and went to prepare some drinks. He dug his fingers into the smooth linen and tried to count all the pillows Yeonghan had strewn across the place. He got to 17 pillows total (7 red, 3 blue, 2 white, and 5 yellow), and the sheer amount of pillows startled him into awareness.

He blinks and his skin feels like him again. His jacket presses against his body, heavy with rain, and Suho realizes that he walked an hour in the rain to Yeonghan's place. His jacket peels away with a sticky noise and he shudders as chills set in.

He feels a dull guilt for getting Yeonghan's couch wet but shakes it off, knowing Yeonghan wouldn't mind. Although Yeonghan wouldn't mind someone spitting in his food if they apologized afterward, Suho still feels a little bad for taking advantage of that kindness.

"It's good to see you," Yeonghan says while he walks back in, holding two cups and a kettle full of tea. He pours Suho's drink first and helps him wrap his hands around it, a helpless furrow to his brows. "You're upset today too."

"Too?" He repeats, mouth dry. Yeonghan waits for him to drink some tea before answering.

"Jonghak visited this morning, he wanted some advice," Yeonghan pulls back his shoulders, muscular body squared. He had a more mature version of his 'class president face' on, a dizzying sense of nostalgia fogging up Suho's vision for a second. "Don't say anything about that to anyone though. He's still getting used to asking for help."

"I won't," He promises. "I'm glad he's got you as his friend."

"You're his friend too," Yeonghan reminds him. Then he smiles, a tad bit funny. "He really cares about you."

Suho tilts his head, "Yeah, I care about him too. Why'd you say it like that?"

"N-Nevermind," Yeonghan sighs. He pours himself more tea, frowning down at his cup. "This week hasn't been easy for anyone, I guess. It feels a little cursed if I'm being honest."

"Yeah," he mutters, "I can't shake that feeling either. It's just that… it's weird, I don't know. I just don't."

"You can tell me," Yeonghan says softly, leaning to press their shoulders together. It grounds him for a second and he desperately leans into it. "I'm always here to listen, Suho."

Suho frowns at his hands, "I know. It's just me being paranoid though. I can't shake the feeling something bad's gonna happen."

Yeonghan opens his mouth to say something but Suho cuts him off, "No. That's not it either. It's not something that's gonna happen. It already has. I-I think that's it."

"Suho," Yeonghan says faintly, slightly dazed, "Shin Jonghak said the same thing. The paranoia, the bad feeling…"

"I think something did happen today," they continue, hand tightening around his cup. "Something bad. Today, however many years ago."

Suho's brows furrowed, his teeth digging into his tongue. After a few seconds, he stood up, "I should probably go."

"You just got here," Yeonghan says while putting their cup down. He stands, wrapping a comforting hand around Suho's arm. "We don't have to talk about it but I would like you to stay. I've missed you Suho."

"I've missed you too, Yeonghan," he sat back down, folded into himself. Guilt washes over him and he leans towards his best friend, apologetically pressing his forehead to their side. "I'll visit more. I promise."

"Don't get my hopes up," Yeonghan says with a weak laugh. "Drink more tea, I bought those teabags special for you and this is the first time I actually get to use them."

"Sorry," Suho takes a large sip of his tea, emptying it, and sticks his empty cup forward with a crooked grin. "Refill?"

Yeonghan smiles warmly, "Thought you'd never ask."

Suho's chest fills with warmth even though his nose feels runny and cold.

Kim Suho

I got myself sick. I walked an hour in the rain to Yeonghan's today. I'm lucky I even brought my jacket.

I don't remember walking there or putting my jacket on. I guess today's just been a really bad day all around.

Well, being at Yeonghan's place wasn't that bad. It actually felt really good to finally visit again.

The last time was his jipdeuri4. He got so much toilet paper that we managed to make a pyramid stack to the ceiling.

He also helped comfort me. I've been feeling off lately. Everyone has, even Jonghak admitted it and he never talks to anyone about his problems.

Today just feels cursed, I know it sounds crazy but I can't help feeling that way. Yeonghan said that something bad had happened on this day in the past but I don't know why it's affecting us so much.

Why do I feel so guilty? Why am I so distracted?

Why do I miss

I sent that message too early

I can't remember what I was going to say. That keeps happening lately.

I think I'm going to lie down.

Kim Suho

I think I'm going to lie down

ķ1M h@Jįň

You should talk to Yoo Yeonha sooner rather than later

She's developed medicine to help with dementia

I'm pretty sure you're developing a mild case

Suho stares at his smartwatch, maybe foolishly expecting it to give him some answers. The number on his watch, the corrupted one that leads to nowhere, had responded to him.

Worse, it seemed to be aware of classified information on Yeonha's recent medical research.

Part of him wanted to start asking questions and needed to know just how much of Suho's private life was at risk of being exposed to the internet at any second, but the smarter part hesitated. If he rushed in too fast, he could be leaving himself vulnerable to a cyberattack. If he rushed in too fast, he could scare them away.

The smartest thing to do, Suho knew, was to ask Yeonha for help.

After talking with Yeonha for the better half of an hour and meeting her resident technological genius, Kim Hosup, they determined that they lacked any real concrete evidence of who it was but that most of his smartwatch's files were secure. "Most" is the part they worried about.

"They're good," Kim Hosup begrudgingly admits, face sour. "I can't find any trace of anyone other than Miss Yoo accessing the servers with the amnesia medicine in the last thirty days."

"Also," He adds as an afterthought, "The number still leads nowhere. It can't be accessed and isn't in service with any provider. The closest I could narrow it down was to a place near the Alps. It's just a general area though, too wide to narrow down."

"Couldn't they be using a VPN?" Suho asks, half-aware of what a VPN is. He knew it could hide IP addresses and change your digital location but thehowwas very lost to him.

"They could try," Kim Hosup snorts, the only one amused. "My gift lets me merge my mind with any computer. I can trace anyone, anywhere even if they tried."

"That doesn't feel legal," Suho said reproachably.

"It is, technically."He looks to Yeonha, "The things I can do with it can veer a bit close to illegal but laws about technology-based gifts are lax so with Miss Yoo's help, everything I do is legal."

Yeonha cuts in before Suho can say anything, not looking the slightest bit apologetic, "Essence of The Strait have never and will continue not to misuse the authority we have. Kim Hosup's gift is useful but we'd never use it for anything unsavory."

"Of course not," Kim Hosup cleared his throat, uncomfortable with the stale air in the room.

Suho frowns, ruffled but choosing to move past the topic. "So what should I do going forward?"

"Well considering we've got virtually nothing concrete on this guy," Yeonha drawls in a way that any smart man would be scared of, for good reason. "We're going to need you to keep talking to them. Act friendly. We need to know how much they know so we know how dangerous they are. I've already had Kim Hosup go through and encrypt your smartwatch so we can hopefully keep them past anything besides the chat room."

"I'll do my best," Suho says reluctantly. "But I'm not the best actor."

ķ1M h@Jįň

I'm pretty sure you're developing a mild case

Kim Suho

Who are you?

ķ1M h@Jįň

No one important

Kim Suho

That's not much of an answer.

ķ1M h@Jįň

You could say I'm like a background actor

An extra

So compared to you, the main character, I'm no one important

Kim Suho

That not true

I'm definitely not the main character

Plus, isn't everyone in this world the main character in their life

ķ1M h@Jįň

Ah, I forgot how much I missed this

You're very right, Suho-ya

Kim Suho

I'm sorry but do we know each other?

ķ1M h@Jįň

Of course we don't, I just forgot my manners for a second, Sword Saint-nim5

Kim Suho

You feel very familiar

You feel very fam

You feel v

You6

Kim Suho

It's okay.

There was something odd poking at Suho's thoughts, a persistent feeling with no clear meaning. Suho chose to take it as guilt for basically ignoring everything Yeonha had told him. He knew it wasn't smart but he couldn't resist asking anyway.

He considers sending another text, something politer and more likely to get an answer but he just shuts his smartwatch off. It wouldn't sit right with him, pretending to be friendly.The thought hits him that usually he'd file reports and go over his mission statistics if he couldn't sleep. While benched, that wasn't really an option.

Suho stares at his ceiling for a while, though truthfully it could've been as long as an hour to as short as a few minutes before he sits up. A headache hits him, angry at his sudden movements, and he waits until it dulls before he walks over to his door, leaning on the frame and taking in his apartment for a few seconds.

His once-empty apartment has been filling up rather quickly since he started taking breaks from work. A tasteful landscape portrait of the Cube he bought from a local art festival, a vase hand-made by a neighbor down the hall who gifted it to him after seeing him on TV and connecting Kim Suho, apartment cryptid, to Sword Saint, international legend, and countless other small gifts from people around the neighborhood.

A pair of siblings a block over made a photo collage of all the neighborhood pets after he helped get their cat from a tree. The photos were framed in rows in his living room and he stares fondly at the scribbled hangul signatures from the twins who gave it to him. With a renewed warmth, he walks into his kitchen and boils water for his favorite tea, which he now had a good supply of since Yeonghan had practically shoved the box in his hands before he left.

He'll figure it all out tomorrow. As soon as he calmed down when he got some sleep, he'd figure it out.

Suho takes a sip from his tea, still scanning over his apartment fondly over half an hour later. That odd poking was mostly gone and he could almost fall asleep sitting, more relaxed now than he has been in weeks. Odd.

Kim Suho

Are you still here?

ķ1M h@Jįň

Hm? Would I not be?

Kim Suho

Most people would ditch the phone once they realized they'd been caught

ķ1M h@Jįň

I'm not like most people.

Also, you're still texting me.

Most people would've ditched their smartwatch if they knew they were being spied on.

Kim Suho

I'm not like most people either.

And if you were planning anything, you probably already would've done something

You have enough information on me and other heroes to cause sizable damage.

ķ1M h@Jįň

Do you think I'm going to?

Kim Suho

No. I don't know why but I trust you

No. I don't know why

No. I don

No

Kim Suho

I don't know yet. It's still a possibility as far as Yeonha is concerned.

ķ1M h@Jįň

Ah, Yoo Yeonha's really smart. You should listen to her more.

And it's smart of you to be so cautious. I'm an unknown. Dangerous.

Kim Suho

I don't think you're that dangerous.

You could be but I don't think you are.

ķ1M h@Jįň

I could be dangerous. You shouldn't trust so blindly.

Kim Suho

It's not blind trust. It's just trust.

A bit naive but still. I know how to tell who I can trust and who I can't.

You could still expose me if you want but I'll never feel dumb for trusting people. I just won't.

ķ1M h@Jįň

You've always been too good for this world, Suho-ya.

I won't betray your trust, I promise you that.

Kim Suho

It feels weird that you know my name but I don't know yours.

What do I call you?

ķ1M h@Jįň

Call me Fenrir.

Sorry for being informal, I was rude again Sword Saint-nim.

Kim Suho

No one's that close to me. I don't mind.

No one's that close to me

No one's th

No

Kim Suho

It's fine Fenrir. You can drop the honorific.

It's a bit awkward through text.

ķ1M h@Jįň

You're right, it is awkward.

I have to go but I'll reply when I can.

I won't leave again.

Kim Suho

Again?

The day feels too ordinary for Suho. He still has a few days left before Yun Seung-Ah will let him return to work so now his days are full of long, empty hours. It's… strange.

He woke up and stared at the ceiling for a while, simply passing the time with dry eyes and hazy thoughts. When he finally got up, the sun poked through his curtains. Suho grabbed a cup of tea and sat by the window, soaking in the warmth as clouds trailed lazily overhead.

Some strange amount of time later, after texting Yoo Yeonha and Yi Yeonghan, he scoops his phone into his pocket and grabs a hat before he walks out the door.

People don't tend to recognize him when he's just walking down the street. He tucks his hair in and ducks his head and people's eyes seem to pass right over him. Even the ones who notice him, the perceptive ones who watch everyone on the sidewalk a little too wearily, tend to dismiss him as a look-alike.

People are very good at ignoring what's right in front of them, Suho has learned.

He walks through a few different streets, simply letting the crowd guide him in whatever direction they please. He ends up at a farmers market, a few fish stands attracting his attention but none like the far nicer fried chicken stand where Rachel Louise and Evandel, dressed in casually expensive clothes with only sunglasses hiding their faces, pick at a few pieces.

Suho tries not to drag his feet as he walks over. He enjoys spending time with them both, even during Evandel's biting phase, but the idea of talking to them sends waves of nausea through him. He debates turning back, spending the day in bed watching whatever show is recommended first when Rachel glances over her shoulder and notices him.

"Kim Suho," She waves him over, smiling warmly. "I wasn't aware you were off work today. It's nice to see you, right Evandel?"

"Suho-oppa7!" Evandel races over, beaming at him, her hands latching onto one of his and dragging him back to the stand with her."Can you get me fried chicken? Please, please please!"

"Evandel," Rachel admonishes, her cheeks turning red at the perceived rudeness. "You've already had some earlier. I have fruit snacks if you want them."

Evandel pouts, incessantly pulling at Suho's arm. "But I want fried chicken!"

"You should listen to Rachel," Suho squats, feeling a stretch in his legs as he goes face-to-face with Evandel's adorable pout. 'She's trying to keep you healthy. Too much food will give you a tummy ache."

"I–I can handle it," She insisted, noticeably more hesitant. After looking back at the fried chicken longingly, she quietly asks, "Do tummy aches hurt? I forgot…"

Suho tries to hide his smile, aware that it might clue Evandel's suspicions, "They do. It's good that you're not getting them."

"Even you?" Evandel gasps quietly when he nods, a curious light in her eyes. "But you're a hero!"

"Heroes are people too," He says simply. "We get tummy aches and have bedtimes and we had to go to school too."

Suho personally didn't have a bedtime but the point was convincing Evandel to listen to Rachel so he may as well cover all bases. Evandel wrinkles her nose in distaste but she does seem to be listening well.

"I have to go to school," She says. "But I don't get to bring my friends so I don't wanna go."

"Your spirit friends?" He asks and she nods. "Well, that's because not a lot of kids can make spirit friends. They'd feel bad, it's not fair to them."

"But my friends could be theirs too," Evandel insists, likely something she's already said to Rachel. "My friends are very nice and well-behaved."

"They are very nice but they're also big and there are a lot of them, they won't be able to all come to school with you. And then the ones you don't bring will feel bad, you don't want that, do you?"

Evandel shakes her head, frowning.

"But I don't want to leave them alone, they'll feel so sad alone," She says, clutching the hem of her shirt and staring past Suho's shoulder. "They'll want to come with, the house feels very quiet without him."

Suho shares a look with Rachel over Evandel's head. She's made similar small comments before. None of them knew who the 'him' she mentioned was, not even Evandel knew, but Suho couldn't shake the feeling that he should.

"They won't be alone," Rachel sets a hand on to Evandel's shoulder, a fierce determination on her face."I promise I'll make sure they're cared for when you're at school."

Evandel's lip trembles for a second and she nods, smiling barely. "If you promise." She looks around the stands and after a second of staring at the chicken, moves past it. "We can go now, I don't want a tummy ache."

"Thank you," Rachel says as they start walking. "I've been trying to get Evandel to agree to school for a while. I think she needs more friends her age." She seems to be staring at her wistfully, something like nostalgia and regret clouding her eyes. "And without you, she never would've stopped asking for fried chicken."

"It's no big deal," Suho waves it off, absentmindedly keeping track of Evandel. "I don't think fried chicken was really such a big issue. I think she's just… nervous, probably. She's usually around spirits or adults, a large group of strangers, even kids, would be daunting for anyone."

Suho gets the same feeling often enough when he's surrounded by people after spending an entire day in a dungeon with just his team. He likes spending time with people but he always has to force himself to talk to all of them even though he enjoys it, a type of social burnout or so Seung-Ah said when he mentioned it.

"Yeah," Rachel agrees sheepishly, "I suppose I forgot to consider that. Everyone loves her, she's very outgoing, so I forgot that she gets nervous too."

"Everyone gets nervous," He says, feeling a sense of familiarity from what he said to Evandel to his words now. "She can't explain how she's feeling well enough yet, she's very young. You just need to be there for her until she can."

She looks at him, considering him with calculating eyes for a few seconds. Then she smiles, dim and jealous, "You're very smart, Suho. You know people well."

He shakes his head, "It's nothing."

"You do," She insists. "You're a strong leader and you're very emotionally intelligent, I wish I could be like you," She sighs at her own bitterness. "... I'm not good with people like you are. I just—I can't understand them. I didn't know any kids my age, I was privately tutored," Softly, she admits, "I felt isolated as a kid and I don't want that for Evandel."

"You're giving her that life you always wanted," He looks over at Evandel, wondering for a second if Rachel could've gotten the young girl's spunk had she been raised differently. He can't quite picture it, even with the evidence right in front of him. "She's happy, Rachel. She's going to grow up wonderfully."

Rachel nods sharply. She turns away from Suho to fully focus on Evandel and Suho politely ignores her trembling lip. He lazily watches the stalls as they just walk quietly, the faint scent of cigarettes tickling his nose. He looks up and Rachel doesn't seem to have noticed.

Something ugly and nostalgic sits in his stomach. He takes his phone out to text someone.

Kim Suho

I met up with Rachel today

Princess Rachel Louise

She was with Evandel at a farmers' market

It was

An experience

ķ1M h@Jįň

Was it really that bad?

Kim Suho

Ah, Fenrir

No, I didn't say that

ķ1M h@Jįň

It was implied.

Most people don't describe good experiences as just 'an experience'.

Kim Suho

It wasn't Rachel or Evandel's fault.

I wasn't feeling well, to begin with

ķ1M h@Jįň

Are you sick?

Or is your dementia worsening?

You should talk to Yeonha quickly if you haven't already

Kim Suho

No, I'm not sick and it's not my memory.

I'm sorry but I didn't even mean to text you this,

This was just a habit

I had just forgotten

ķ1M h@Jįň

It's okay to need help, Kim Suho

And I'm not upset that you're texting me, I don't mind

I don't get out much, I like hearing about your day.

Kim Suho

Still

Just sorry.

And you're right, it is okay but I don't need help

I'm fine.

Fenrir didn't respond to that. Regret scratched at his chest, pawing at him until he typed up something vaguely apologetic. He deleted it after a second, just staring at the chat room apathetically.

Truthfully, he did want to tell Fenrir. There was something scary about this want because he could fit the number of people he talked to about his struggles on one hand. He hasn't even known Fenrir for a full 24 hours but there was a sort of instinctive trust flooding his logical thinking, the thinking that said trusting Fenrir so easily—so quickly—was stupid.

So, if pressed, Suho probably would open up to Fenrir. He would probably start with his overworking, with the unexplainable memory loss that followed, and if just left to ramble he'd probably start sharing the secrets Yoo Yeonha and Kim Hosup worked so hard to encrypt. Suho has always been looking for someone to just listen to his story.

And this scared him. The thought that it wouldn't be anyone but himself to blame if Fenrir took these truths to the press.

Suho wasn't naive—or he was, just not nearly as much as some people believed. He made an active decision to trust people in his life more, to assume the best of strangers and friends unless they proved unworthy of that trust. Lots of people he knew, mostly people who barely knew him, said his way of thinking was dumb.

Too optimistic, they said, not realistic enough.

And it was definitely an idealized way of thinking, that much he knew, and it could also just as easily be proven wrong as it could be proven right.

Even with every single one of them drilling into him their opinions and statistics, Suho knew better than anyone how bad the consequences of trusting the wrong person could be. Suho had trusted Jin Sahyuk—had trusted Phiri—and saw his world collapse around him because of it.

So Suho trusted himself, most of all, to be able to make the right call on who to trust and when that trust has gone too far. He knew the dangers trusting Fenrir could bring, and accepted that if his own secrets leaked he'd just have to deal with it, but Suho could not 'just deal with it' if Fenrir went after Suho's friends—it was actually the only reason he hesitated at all.

Something unpleasant weighs on his tongue, words just out of reach. He figures it must be hunger because he never actually ate a meal today, so he puts his smartwatch to charge and heads to cook something.

After making a bitterly nostalgic Akyaz8for dinner, he settled on the couch with a cup of tea and distracted himself with a random anime about archers. It looked like the type of show Chae Nayun would like.

Even as he watches, getting a little lost at all the flustered words of a character Chae Nayun called 'the tsundere type', he couldn't quite shake that feeling. It twisted in his gut like a snake, hissing words too quiet to hear.

'You'll have to listen one day,'it hissed before it quieted down and didn't speak again.

ķ1M h@Jįň

I'm sorry about being pushy the other day.

I know I'm not your friend, it was wrong of me to try and pressure you.

Kim Suho

You don't need to apologize Fenrir

It was a bit pushy but you were just worried about me.

So thank you, actually

For trying to help.

ķ1M h@Jįň

You don't need to thank me

It's the least I can do for you

Kim Suho

No really, Fenrir, it's okay

I don't want you to just deal with my bad mood because of my job.

We heroes need to be told off sometimes too

ķ1M h@Jįň

I wasn't saying that because you're a hero

I said it because you're you

You've done a lot for me outside of your job, Kim Suho,

You're a good man

Kim Suho

Oh

Thank you

ķ1M h@Jįň

I wasn't lying, by the way

I'm fairly isolated from the outside world

Hearing about your day is always something I look forward to

Plus it reminds me that you're not just a one-dimensional protagonist

Your life sucks sometimes too

Kim Suho

Everyone's life sucks sometimes

I don't know why some people imagine mine to be any different

And I look forward to this too

Venting to this number

Or you, I guess,

It helps a lot

It's a bit embarrassing to say that

ķ1M h@Jįň

You shouldn't feel embarrassed

That's actually very endearing, Kim Suho

You're too charming sometimes

Kim Suho

I am?

Yeonghan says the same thing, I don't get it

ķ1M h@Jįň

Ah, now I get how cluelessness can be attractive

Kim Suho

Huh?

ķ1M h@Jįň

Just expressing my thoughts a little

It might make you more comfortable if we both do it, right?

Kim Suho

I suppose it might

But please don't feel pressured to

ķ1M h@Jįň

I offered, didn't I?

I'll admit I don't have much to share but I don't mind

I have nothing worth hiding