39. Lord Liang's Last Words
Meanwhile, the celebration continued in the Jade Palace courtyard. Viper had grabbed a ribbon and was swinging to the tune of the music. As Po had taken a second helping from the buffet, he noticed Dao watching Viper from his lounger. He quickly decided to go over to him and bent down.
"Well, what do you think about the party so far?"
Dao winced. He hadn't noticed Po.
"Uh, well... so far, it's... very invigorating."
"Have you ever actually attended a party?"
Dao turned his head away. "Honestly no."
Po raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Couldn't you or weren't you allowed to visit a party?"
Dao was silent for a moment. "Hmm, maybe both."
Po put a dumpling into his mouth. Dao had raised his head again and looked back at the dancing viper.
Po watched him, frowning. Then he swallowed down the dumpling with a smile. "She's good, isn't she?"
"Hmm, who?"
"Uh, well, she." Po pointed at Viper.
"Oh, uh, yes… yes, she really is."
Po giggled. "You know, she's been doing this since she was a kid. She actually just wanted to cheer up her father, but then she got so good that she became one of the best dancers in the valley..."
"Dao?"
Po fell silent when he heard Shen's voice next to him. Dao also looked at Shen in surprise, who had appeared so suddenly.
"What is it?"
Shen cleared his throat softly. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" His eyes wandered warningly to Po. "Alone."
Dao raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Now?" And his gaze went back to the dancing viper. "Can't this wait?"
Shen narrowed his eyes. "No, now!"
Po looked at Shen, speechless. When Shen gave him another glare, he hurriedly put another dumpling into his mouth and said goodbye. "Uh, I think I forgot something at the buffet. I'll go and take it."
Dao watched him go, then turned back to his brother. "What do you want to tell me?"
Shen looked around skeptically. "Not here."
Dao narrowed his eyes. "And where instead?"
Shen turned his head to one of the houses that stood to the right and left of the courtyard. He pointed upwards. "There, we can talk in peace without being disturbed."
"And how am I supposed to get there?" Dao pointed to his wounded stomach. "I can't walk well yet. And certainly not climbing stairs."
"I've already thought of that." Shen waved his wing briefly and King Wang appeared next to him.
There was no one in the building. Wang carried Dao up the stairs to the top chamber, which was sparsely furnished. There he sat Dao down on a wooden bench while Shen went to a window and looked outside. The voices and music rose to them from the courtyard.
Wang said goodbye after making sure Dao was seated safely. "If you need anything, just call." With these words, he disappeared from the room and closed the door.
It became quiet. Dao watched Shen nervously rub the tips of his finger feathers together.
"Now we're really all alone," Dao pointed out. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
Shen turned to Dao. He hadn't missed his brother's serious tone. Dao seemed to be preparing for a confrontation again. With a sigh, Shen turned away from the window and walked towards Dao, who was watching him warily. Shen cleared his throat. Although he had already prepared something in advance, he was no longer sure whether his subsequent formulation had been well thought out.
Dao folded his wings. "I'm waiting."
Shen took a deep breath. "I heard that you wanted to hear something from me."
Dao tilted his head in question but also in annoyance at the same time. "What exactly do you mean?"
Shen narrowed his eyes. "You know what I mean, and I have an answer."
Dao leaned forward with interest, although still with a skeptical expression.
Shen took another breath before opening his beak and uttering the following sentence in one breath. "I'm sorry."
Dao raised his eyebrows in surprise. "What are you sorry for?"
"That…" Shen briefly pressed his beak lips together. "That it all happened before." Shen actually wanted to say it without feeling any regret. But after saying that sentence, he somehow felt a stomach ache.
Dao raised his beak. "And what do you expect from me now?"
Shen jerked his head up. "It's enough that I apologized, right? Then... then I can expect... the... same from you. Namely, that you accept my apology."
He looked at Dao pleadingly for a few seconds. But Dao turned his head away. "No."
Shen's beak remained open. "N-no?"
"Yes, I said 'no,'" Dao reiterated his statement. "Your so-called apology sounded even worse than that of a bad actor in a puppet show."
Shen clenched his wings into fists. "What do you expect from me? Me begging for forgiveness on the floor in front of you?"
Dao narrowed his eyes. "True that. You would never be able to do that. And even if you did, it wouldn't change anything." He swung himself to his feet. "I want to get out again." He wanted to reach for the door to call for Wang, but Shen grabbed his sleeve.
"You stay!"
"Hey, how dare you?!" Dao tried to break away, but Shen literally clung to his coat.
"You… you stay here until you accept my apology."
Dao looked at him in shock for a moment. "You can't force me!"
"I know. I can't force you," Shen gave in, "but I... I..." Shen lowered his gaze briefly before looking at Dao firmly. "I want that you forgive me."
"Why are you asking me to do this?"
"Because it has a meaning to me." Shen's voice sank. "Actually, it means a lot to me. If it didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't have gone through everything to get you from Japan back to China. And if you ignore me now… I would never be able to forgive myself."
Shen now hoped he had found the right words. But instead of receiving sympathy from his brother as he had hoped, Dao's beak began to tremble. "I... I can't."
Shen's grip tightened. "Why not? What makes it so difficult for you?"
Dao broke away. "Because I can't! I swore I would never forgive you."
"Why not? Explain it to me."
"Just leave me alone. It can no longer be changed. Let's just keep it that way."
Dao was about to open the door, but Shen pressed his wing against it and kept it closed.
"No, I won't let you go."
"Do you want to keep me imprisoned here now?"
"No, no." Shen felt anger rising within him. But if he overreacted now, Dao would jib at him completely. He had to try to stay calm.
"Dao, sit down," he pressed through his beak, audibly sucking in air. "Please sit down and listen to me for a few minutes at least."
Dao reluctantly sat back down on the bench.
Shen positioned himself in front of him and folded his wings behind his back. "I don't want us to break up like that and act like nothing ever happened."
"Even if we talk, it doesn't change what you did."
Shen opened his beak to immediately stop it, but then he consciously closed it again. He went deep into himself again, feeling cold inside. "Tell me, tell me exactly what keeps you angry with me."
Dao opened his beak briefly. "You know exactly why. I've told you that clearly and often enough all these days!"
Shen narrowed his eyes. Then he sat on the bench next to Dao with a tense posture. "Then tell me again. But this time, say it to my face."
Dao looked at him as if he didn't believe what he heard from Shen. "So you want me to tell you it to your face?"
Shen nodded gently. "Just say what you want to say. Without artificial, beautiful embroidery."
Dao let out a snort. He seemed pretty annoyed. But then he began to think hard, trying to figure out exactly what was holding his anger in his stomach. He stared at the floor, then closed his eyes. Then he remembered. How he, as a little boy, ran through the dark forest, out of Gongmen City. He still remembered his mother lying dead on the bed. The sight never left his mind. His father's shouts still ringing in his ears, haunting him as he ran through the night, shouting only one thing: 'I hate you, Shen!'
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Finally it burst out of him.
"I hate you Shen, I hate you! Mother never wanted to see me. I couldn't stand being compared to you all the time some days. She never wanted to look at me. Instead, she ran after you. It's only because of you that mother is dead. Because of you! It wasn't my fault!" Dao paused for a moment, Shen just looked at him silently, in contrast to Dao, whose body trembled slightly. "When mother died, I only felt hate for you. Father was the only one who really loved me." He hugged himself. "And now he's dead, too..." His breath caught in his throat for a moment before he found the strength again to let harshness appear in his words, while looking at Shen angrily. "If you hadn't attacked the village back then, this would probably never have happened. I never wanted to forgive you for that. You ruined my entire life! From the beginning!" He wanted to hit Shen with his wings, but Shen reacted quickly and held his wings tightly.
"Dao, listen… I… I…" Shen's voice faltered. Only the old goat's words echoed through his head.
Admit something once in your life.
"You... you're right, I can't change the past anymore, and I can imagine that I hurt you with that, but I didn't know any other way out at the time." He looked at Dao seriously. "And I'm not just saying that."
Dao was still breathing heavily, but he still had enough control not to freak out again. "What are you talking about?" He tore himself away from Shen's grip on his wings. "You had everything. But you just threw it away."
Shen stood up with a sigh. "Tell me, has mother ever hugged you?"
"How? She didn't even want to admit that I existed."
Shen let a few seconds pass before he replied. "She never hugged me either. I can't even remember us ever having a heartfelt moment together."
Dao looked to the side and stubbornly folded his wings, his eyes becoming slightly moist. "Is this supposed to make me feel better?"
Shen hung his head in defeat for a moment. Again his attempt at reconciliation had failed. "I'm not asking for anything like that. I just want you to understand that…" He looked at Dao wistfully. "I'm guessing you hadn't come to the kung fu school back then, or had ever been outside the palace, right?"
"Father always kept me with him," Dao replied.
Shen nodded slowly. "Then you had it better than me."
"How so?"
Shen lowered his gaze. Then he turned his back to Dao. He hated speaking openly, but if Ān-Mā was right about not wanting to lose Dao, he had to try to explain it to him. He swallowed down his pride, taking a few shaky breaths. Disgusted with himself, he tore his inner curtain of a steadfast ruler. He still had an indomitable pride and, apart from Yin-Yu, the children and the old goat, he had never spoken open-heartedly about anything. It had been a miracle that he had once given in to the panda when he had gone with him to the place where his mother had died. For everyone else, expressions of feelings were taboo. It pained Shen to show that he was vulnerable. But it was still his brother who was sitting there in front of him. Dao had only heard of Shen in his childhood. And even at their first meeting, they only argued. Shen felt miserable. But it was probably time for his brother to get to know the other side of him.
Shen looked for a point in the room where he could focus his gaze. The next best thing was the window. "So you don't know what it's like to constantly be confronted with the fact that you're ill and weak," he began calmly. "Especially when I had ventured out and you realize that people treat you differently because you are so different. I was constantly striving to show everyone, by any means possible. I wanted my parents to accept that I was more than just a weak copy of them."
"And that's why you murdered?"
Shen shook his head. "No, believe me, I never enjoyed ending other people's lives. I only had my goal in mind. No matter what it cost. And no matter how many people had to die in the process, nothing in the world was so valuable to me, so precious, as achieving my goal."
"I don't understand you."
Shen scraped the ground with one foot claw, his gaze still dark. "You wouldn't be the only one. I didn't have anyone who understood me back then." Again, he felt disgusted at saying something like that. He hated himself more than the panda at that moment. "Neither in the palace, nor in the school, or even in the city. Instead, I had to meet people who understood me somewhat."
"Who do you mean?"
"Outsider. The wolf pack outside the city was one of them. Like me, they weren't particularly accepted by society. Because I was an misfit to everyone. Even for kung fu students of the same age. Not only because I was the worst student, but also because I looked unhealthy. Father was ashamed of me because I wasn't that strong in kung fu and because I hadn't lived up to his expectations as his son. Even Master Thundering Rhino, who had ridiculed me in front of students at kung fu school. And then he... Especially he, should feel my revenge. How he bullied me back then. First Gongmen City should fall, then kung fu, and then all of China - up to the capital…" Shen's voice died away for a brief moment, accompanied by a slight tremble. "I would have loved to see his face if I had arrived with my army at the gates of the Forbidden City." He let his shoulders sink discouraged. "I would have loved to show him that I'm more than just a sickly, white, rich peacock from a backcountry province." He paused briefly. "All these years, I felt like I was just screaming to make myself heard. But no one ever came." Shen hugged himself and went back to the window. "I wanted to be something special. I wanted to be invulnerable… I wanted to be immortal. Not just a ruler of a small town somewhere in China, I wanted to rule over everything. And everyone should see that I… that no one can rise above me." He paused for a moment. "That's what I thought, and the thought haunted me until the day I had to leave Gongmen City." There was a pause before he continued. "But that thought never left me. I then only felt confirmed that I was the trash of everyone when my own father had disowned me. I was determined to kill anyone who stood in my way. When I returned to Gongmen City after my exile, I was firmly convinced that I could finally achieve my goal. But when everything at the harbor was in ruins, I finally threw myself at the panda, who had taken everything from me in one fell swoop. And then when the cannon fell on me... In that moment, I realized I had no one else worth living for other than my victory. I didn't want to live with shame." He balled his wings into fists and pressed them to his face. "It was like when our parents sent me away. For the first few days I thought I wouldn't make it through. If I hadn't had plans, I might not have wanted to live any longer."
Dao let out a deep sigh. "But father had a reason for sending you away. Because you wiped out an entire folk."
Shen sucked in a sharp breath, his wings balled into fists again. "You don't understand me. When the old goat told me what would happen, I realized that if I didn't do it, I would never reach my goal. I was afraid of failing. And from a warrior who would defeat me. So I resorted to self-defense. I thought, father would be proud of me for taking tough action myself. I really thought that at least my father would be happy that I really stood up for myself and acted independently for the first time; that I would come out strong to face my enemies." He faltered. "But that was a mistake, as it later turned out." For a moment, it sounded as if Shen couldn't continue talking, but then he pulled himself together and continued. "When the day came when they threw me out, I always thought they just hated me. They had never told me that they loved me. If I had known... I honestly don't know how I would have reacted." He sighed heavily. "Death or banishment. Those were their options. When I turned my back on them as I walked away, they said nothing. They didn't even call out to me when I was out the gate. Not a single sound reached me. From then on they were dead to me. Everything was dead. Everything. I couldn't feel anything anymore." Shen turned to Dao and they looked at each other. But Dao showed no emotion. Neither pity nor anger. Still, Shen continued talking. "After that… after that I never wanted to feel anything again. Yin-Yu had been the only exception I met in exile. But when I thought back then that she had just dropped me too... I swore to myself that I would never again allow myself to confide in anyone or let anything get to me. That's why I took ice cold action when I came to Gongmen City. Anything else emotional would be wrong. There was no more honesty. I didn't want to feel abandoned again. I combatted every one of them until the end."
Dao tilted his head. There was doubt in his eyes. "But when the Dragon Warrior took you in, didn't you start believing in things like that again?"
Shen looked aside. "To be honest, it got me thinking. But I couldn't fully believe it. If it hadn't been for the goat and Yin-Yu, I might have just stabbed again to nip any sensation in the bud." He sighed wistfully and tried to smile a little. "I know it hurts to force yourself to stop dwelling on the past. I have to do that every day and try not to think about my plans from back then." Shen felt a lump in her throat. "Do you understand me now? Please tell me that you understand me." His voice sounded urgent, but Dao turned his head away.
"I... I don't know."
Slowly, Shen no longer knew any other way out. He ran to the window again and looked out, hoping to see something out there that might give him a saving idea. He pressed his forehead against the window frame. Why could he blow everything up with explosives without batting an eyelid, but not have a normal conversation with his brother and cave in?
He looked back into the room at Dao, who had now turned his back to him and was staring into space on the bench. An oppressive silence fell, accompanied by the voices and melodies of the villagers. Everyone seemed to be waiting for the other to say something.
Shen blinked. This unpleasant tension put him back in the situation with his son Sheng after he had recovered in the sheep village and had a conversation with him for the first time. With a son he hadn't known existed. Shen rubbed his beak helplessly. "You know, you kind of remind me of my oldest son. He's a few years younger than you, but I almost lost him back then, too." He had to swallow at this memory. "I didn't even know I had a son until that point. But when I first saw him, he was already 17. I didn't even see him being born." He rubbed the sleeves of his robe. "What do you think I would give to be able to see the day of his birth?" He walked towards Dao, who still didn't turn around. "I will never be able to get this moment back. I could only start where I met him." He stopped just before Dao, looking down at him with a warm gaze. "Just like you. Learning out of a clear blue sky that you have a son is one thing, but having a brother... That's special to me. You're 28 now. I've already missed those years of yours. I don't want to miss any more." He gently lowered his wings onto Dao. He noticed how Dao flinched slightly, but still didn't show any further reaction. "You know, when I heard that I had a brother... I... I was kind of... I was upset."
Now Dao turned to him. Shen smiled. "I was angry that I found out too late. But I was also very happy."
Dao avoided his gaze, but Shen didn't want to break eye contact. Instead, he walked to the other side of Dao, grasped his wings, and knelt in front of him. This time, Dao didn't try to stop him, but he lowered his gaze so deep that Shen had difficulty looking him in the eyes. Shen was about to reach out his wing to lift Dao's chin, but refrained from doing so and instead rubbed his finger feathers against his. "What I would like to ask you to do is not to reject me like father did to me. I don't want to go through this with you again." A lump formed in Shen's throat. He no longer felt like crying as much as he had when his parents had asked him to leave his home. But he had suppressed it at the time. Instead, he had insulted and threatened them. What should he threaten here? He couldn't do it here. What could he possibly threaten with? That Dao wasn't allowed to see the children anymore until he came to his senses?
He tried to read something in Dao's gaze, but Dao still kept his gaze low, so Shen tried again. "I… we already lost mother and father. But you... you're all I have left of them." He squeezed Dao's wings. "We are brothers after all. We share the same legacy."
Finally, Dao moved his beak. "What...what do you mean?" he asked quietly.
"We look alike. We stand out from everyone else and from all peacocks. Back then I would have loved to have had someone who looked exactly like me. We have more in common than just our blood."
Shen flinched as Dao palpated his wings. "Dad once said we were a bit alike."
Shen felt a violent tremor in Dao's wings, but it disappeared after a few seconds. Then it started again. Shen realized that this wasn't a normal tremor.
"Not again." Dao jumped up and held a wing, which he pressed against the wall.
Shen also stood up. "What do you have?"
"Nothing."
"Let's see." He grabbed Dao's wings.
Dao dodged him. "There's nothing to see!"
But Shen was fast and got his wings. Immediately he felt the strong trembling again.
"Since when do you have this? Longer?"
Dao looked like he was trying to lie, then he shook his head. "Even… even before the fight in the Jade Palace. But now it's starting to happen more often again."
Shen looked at him seriously but also concerned. He hadn't even thought about possible withdrawal symptoms from the drug. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought, it would go away on its own."
"Something like that needs to be treated medically," Shen advised.
"I know that myself," Dao growled and tore himself away from his grasp.
"If you need help with that, I can help you."
"Why do you want to help me again?"
Shen grabbed Dao by the shoulders and looked at him hard. "Because I want to prevent you from feeling bad again." Dao looked at Shen with wide eyes while Shen continued speaking unhindered. "When you were lying under me after being given the drug antidote and going crazy, all I wanted to do was, protecting you. And whoever did this to you the one should pay for it. I also know what it's like to be medically dependent. I also have to constantly take medication. Medicine that I hated so much in my childhood, but it keeps you alive. Maybe you will have to take them at some point, too. And believe me, I would definitely have been there for you if we had grown up together at the same time." He loosened his grip a little. "Although... I don't know how I would have behaved if I had known before the attack on the panda village that you were coming."
Dao looked at Shen questioningly, tears in his eyes. "Do you think I could have talked you out of it if I had been there then?"
Shen lowered his gaze. "I don't know it. Maybe, maybe not. If it had been like that, but unfortunately you weren't there yet. And maybe if I had found out about your birth while in exile, maybe… maybe I would have tried to visit you."
Both looked at each other. Then Dao squeezed his eyelids shut and tears rolled down his cheeks.
Finally, he pushed Shen away and looked at his shaky wings. "The drug has probably ruined me more than I thought," he breathed.
Hastily, Shen took his wings back into his. "You know. A lot of things break in life, but I can fix them. If you let me." Before Dao could say anything against it, Shen stopped him. "I can't and won't force you to stay with me. I just want you to know that I will never let anything happen to you again. If there was anything that could harm you, I would take it upon myself." With these words, Shen took him in his wings and hugged him tightly, as if he was afraid that Dao would disappear into thin air. "We will get through this together. Because that's what brothers are for, right?"
At first it looked as if Dao wanted to push him away, but then he gave up resisting and leaned against Shen. Shen stroked his back soothingly, and Dao's trembling gradually subsided.
Tears welled up in Shen's eyes, hoping that the ice had finally broken between them. But then he jerked his head up. He thought he heard a noise behind the door. He slowly separated himself from Dao, scurried to the door and listened. Then he opened the door and stared into Xiang's surprised face. He probably didn't expect that Shen would notice him.
"You again? How much did you hear?" Shen asked harshly.
Xiang recalled his self-respect and adjusted his robe. "More than enough to understand what you were talking about."
"Does that amuse you?" Shen complained sarcastically.
Damned! Now you've screwed up! he cursed internally.
Shen had hoped that the "men's talk" would have vented his anger towards his stepbrother. But now it threatened to flare up again.
Xiang raised a wing. "I'm not planning to tell it everyone, if that's what you're referring to."
Shen narrowed his eyes. "I would like to have advised you that, too. This is a private conversation here."
"It's also my business," Xiang replied firmly. "He's my brother, too."
Shen raised his wing in warning. "Wait, wait. Half-brother."
"Don't argue again," Dao shouted bitterly and stormed out of the room into the hallway.
"You're not allowed to walk alone yet!" Shen called after him.
In the next moment, Dao fell down.
Shen and Xiang rushed to him in shock.
"Did you hurt yourself?" they asked in unison.
Dao sat up and rubbed his stomach. "No, I don't think so. I just tripped over something." Dao looked next to him. There was a small box on the floor.
"Who puts something like that here?" Shen asked himself and picked it up. But in the next moment, he froze when he recognized the little box again.
"What do you have there?" Xiang asked searchingly.
Shen looked at the box from both sides. "This is the little box in which father kept the letter…"
At that moment, heavy footsteps sounded on a staircase. "Is everything okay here?" Wang asked, his checking gaze primarily directed at Xiang.
"It's okay," Dao said. He didn't want unnecessary discussions with outsiders.
Wang nodded. "All right." And walked away again.
Shen had now opened the box and, as expected, he found both, the letter and the small blue feather there, which caught Xiang's attention.
"What is that?" Xiang wanted to grab the feather, but Shen avoided him. "There is nothing…"
But Xiang pushed him against the wall, losing his crutch and reaching into the open box with the other wing.
Shen tried to push him away, but as soon as Xiang felt the small feather, he pulled back and looked at it.
"Where does it come from?"
Dao, still sitting on the floor, craned his neck. "Perhaps Ān-Mā put it in there…"
"No," Shen interrupted him and took the feather from Xiang's wing again. "It was already in there when I was little child. However, it is also a mystery to me how it could have gotten there."
For a few seconds Xiang didn't know what to say until he finally opened his beak again. "But how can that be?"
"Hey, look," Dao pointed to the side of the box. "There's a little drawer. Apparently the box has a small hidden cavity."
Shen and Xiang followed his wing pointing and noticed a small piece of paper sticking out of the shallow drawer. Shen pulled out the piece of paper. "It's something written there. I think, it's from father..."
"Let's see," Xiang demanded, but Shen took the piece of paper.
"I will read it."
But Xiang had something against it. "Then let me take a look at least so I can be sure you're not reading anything wrong."
"Are you saying I can't read at all?!" Shen snapped.
Xiang grabbed the piece of paper. "No, but he is also my father. And if you want to keep something from me..."
"Take away your wings!" Shen complained. But Xiang didn't think about it and tore the piece of paper back and forth between them. Finally, the paper gave way and both of them ended up holding a part of the piece of paper in their wings.
This was too much for Dao.
"STOP IT!" he shouted.
Xiang and Shen froze.
"Give me the letter," Dao demanded in a strained voice. "Or what's left of it."
He held out his wing. A little contrite, the two peacocks handed him the two halves. Dao took them and held them side by side so that he could read in a controlled voice:
"I feel that my strength is weakening. That's why I'm taking up my pen in what may be my last hours, because I don't know how else to ease my conscience before the universe and take with me to my grave the burden from which I was never able to free myself. Namely, the tormenting guilt of not being able to offer my three sons, my only children, the peace I had hoped for them.
Shen, I don't know where you are or what you're doing..."
At this sentence, Shen raised his head attentively while Dao continued reading.
"…but I still regret to this day that I had to send you away and never tried to see you. Unlike your mother. So I hope that at least the money I saved will help you if you ever return. Just like you swore to me. And even though it's been many years, I'm sure you'll make this happen one day."
Dao took a short break. But Shen said nothing. He stood there silently, not saying a single word, and Dao interpreted it as a sign that he should read on.
"Xiang, my first son,..."
Xiang felt a jolt when he heard that.
"…you never knew me. I just hope, after what your mother told me, that you will make your life a success in your kingdom..."
Xiang gasped indignantly. "That's not true at all! She lied to him..."
Dao raised his wing and continued: "...even though I was never able to take part in it and never did later. It hurts my heart that I was never allowed to be a father to you, but I was denied the opportunity to see you. I sincerely hope you can forgive me if you ever find out."
Xiang lowered his head and pressed his wing to his beak. Dao let a few seconds pass before he returned to the text, initially faltering.
"And my... my little boy Dao, in whom I had placed my last hope of being able to better fulfill my role as a father after Shen and Xiang had slipped away from me, but who had still left me so young. I wish I could have given you a better childhood, knowing that it was hard for you to be ignored by your mother and that I could never replace her for you. I wish I could have spared you this experience. Likewise, you never got to meet your identical-looking brother. But it hurts me even more that all three of you will never meet. And that, looking back, I wasn't a good father to you. I will probably leave the world without being able to say that I did my best in life for my children. This guilt has haunted me throughout my years of work and, as I now realize, will haunt me until my death. I say goodbye, overcome with sadness and plagued by reproaches that weigh heavily on my soul and with the wistful hope of being reunited with my wife. I pray beforehand, as I have since the day she died, that she will forgive my mistakes. Still, I hope it was good in their eyes to at least that I gave Shen something along the way... if he ever returns and if he's still alive.
I close my eyes and imagine my three sons together in peace. My last wish, my last dream, which comforts me over my grief..."
Dao had to swallow several times before reading the last lines.
"Whoever finds this note, please put it back and leave my last words on earth for eternity. In loving memory of my sons, Shen, Xiang and Dao. Let me embrace you, what I can never do."
After Dao read, he lowered the pieces of paper.
Shen rubbed under his beak. "So he wrote this message shortly before he died."
"Oh, father," Dao whined, clutching the two halves of paper to himself.
Shen knelt next to him and took him in his wings for comfort. Dao couldn't help himself and hugged him.
"I miss him," he whined, dropping the two halves of the note.
Xiang, who noticed this, picked it up and looked at the lines written on it. Then he gently stroked the paper. He never thought there was anyone who cared about him. In his childhood he had only felt his mother's hatred and believed that no one was interested in him. Xiang squeezed two tears from his eyes. Why had his real father never come?
His gaze fell back on his two half-siblings, who were still lying in each other's wings. At least Dao seemed to have calmed down a bit, but he was still shaking.
He limped to his side and rubbed his shoulder. "At least you knew him. I didn't even know I had a different father."
Dao pressed closer to Shen. "But I just left him alone. He was the only one who was always there for me. I couldn't even tell him how much he meant to me." He started shaking violently again and threatened to cry.
Shen stroked his shoulder reassuringly. "I'm still here."
Xiang raised a warning finger. "You probably meant to say 'we'. We're still here. But he's right," he added quickly when Shen wanted to counterattack again, "we're really not alone." Xiang couldn't help but think of Shenmi's words.
Dao broke away from Shen and clung to Xiang. He hastily returned his hug because it almost caused him to fall because he didn't have a crutch.
For a moment, Shen stared at the two in silence, but in the end it was Dao who voluntarily broke away from Xiang.
"Shen," Dao began tentatively as he wiped his tears.
Shen looked up. "Yes?"
"You told me that you didn't want us to break up and act like nothing happened, right?"
Shen looked at him in surprise. "Uh, yes, that's what I said." He exchanged a questioning look with Xiang, but he had no idea what Dao was getting at either.
"Father is no longer here," Dao continued quietly and took the two halves of the note back, "but I don't want to make him unhappy again."
Shen tilted his head skeptically. "What do you mean by that?"
Dao looked at him. "Shouldn't we try to fulfill his last wish and get back together?"
There was a silence. But only for a few seconds.
"Why should we do this?" Shen asked first.
"There's no reason for that," Xiang agreed.
Anybody could see that the idea made both of them uncomfortable. Their last big fight was just two years ago.
Dao lowered his gaze. "Father loved all three of us, right? Shouldn't we try at least? It means a lot to me. When I was in Japan back then, I was always alone." His eyes wandered between Shen and Xiang. "Siblings would have been everything I would have wanted."
Although Xiang tried to remain serious, he gave in when Dao looked at him. "Well, to be honest, I needed that, too."
Shen gave a disdainful snort and folded his wings. But given this insight, he felt compelled to join the majority and brought it down to a common denominator. "Well, I guess we were all alone in our childhood."
Dao noticed the lingering dislike between the two and straightened up. "We can take it slow, right? Could you at least try this?"
Shen and Xiang exchanged looks, then they nodded.
"All right," said Xiang, "but that's enough of our brotherhood for today. We'd better go back downstairs. The others are probably wondering where we are for so long."
Shen also agreed with this. "I agree with that."
"Can we go together?" Dao asked. "In a threesome? I think, father would have liked to see it."
Shen rubbed his head uncertainly. "Do you think you'll be okay?"
"I can still walk on two legs," Dao assured. "I just need you to support me."
"That's all well and good, but one of us needs a support device ourselves." Shen's gaze moved to Xiang.
The blue peacock twisted his beak in offense as he fished for his lost crutch. "I may need a walker, but I'm far from being unable to move." With these words, he pushed a wing under Dao's right armpit. Shen followed suit and picked up Dao from the other side.
"Hey, I can do it," Xiang protested. But unfortunately he moved too quickly out of sheer indignation. The result was that all three toppled over.
"Please don't touch my stomach," Dao whined. "You guys are so terrible." But from his tone of voice they could hear that he didn't mean it in a bad way. "Now let me do this. Shen, you support me from the right side and Xiang you from the left side. Then at least none of us will stumble here."
Shen and Xiang followed Dao's instructions until they finally stood solidly next to each other. They looked at each other in silence.
Dao found the silence a little uncomfortable. "Uh, can we go now?"
Shen nodded after exchanging a quick look with Xiang. "Yes, we can."
Although he still felt resentment towards Xiang inside, but with Dao around, he no longer felt as terrible as he did during their last fight.
The three birds carefully put one foot at a time and walked down the stairs step by step. None of them said a word the entire time. Only Dao felt something between his siblings that had remained unknown to him all his years in Japan and that his mother had always denied him. Protection. Something what he had missed so long. And that made him smile.
Without any of the three noticing, Po peeked around the corner at that moment and had heard every word. He didn't move as the three peacocks went down the stairs. Only after he was sure they weren't coming back, he pulled away from the wall and breathe a sigh of relief.
"Dragon Warrior!"
Po jumped in shock and stared into the old goat's admonishing face.
"Uh, I-I... I just wanted to see if there was another ninja somewhere," Po tried to explain. "They can hide so well." He grinned broadly and withdrew contritely. "But now I haven't seen anyone, so I'm leaving again." Quickly, he ran down the stairs.
The general hustle and bustle was still going on outside. In the meantime, Yin-Yu had joined Liu and her chick Xiu. She raised her head when she saw Xiang, Shen and Dao coming back. She nudged Liu. She followed her gaze. In silence, they watched how their husbands returned Dao to his seat, noticing that they were no longer so dismissive of each other.
"Looks like they've argued about everything," Yin-Yu whispered to Liu.
After Dao was safely back on the lounger, they said goodbye and Shen and Xiang went to Yin-Yu and Liu.
Yin-Yu rose from her seat and went to meet Shen. She looked at him worriedly, but Shen shook his head reassuringly with a dismissive wave of his wing, indicating that everything was okay. Somewhat relieved, she let Xiang pass her, who went to Liu and Xiu. Yin-Yu watched as Xiang grabbed Liu's shoulders reassuringly and stroked the chick's head.
"Do you dislike the fact that he might appear around you more often in the future?" she heard Shen say behind her.
She turned to him. Shen looked unsure, but Yin-Yu took his wings in hers.
"Honestly," she began hesitantly, "I don't know." She lowered her gaze briefly. "I guess, we all still have to get used to it. Shenmi seems to be the only exception." She raised her head and looked at Shen with a smile. "He reminds her so much of your father."
They both looked back and watched as Liu held out the chick at Xiang. Xiang took it shyly and held it on his wings.
Yin-Yu had to smile at this picture. "That reminds me of something." She leaned against Shen. "Shen? Wouldn't it be nice to have one more chick?"
Shen froze as Yin-Yu cuddled up to him. He looked down at her uncertainly.
"What… what gave you that...?" He looked around hastily, hoping no one had heard it. In the worst case scenario, the curious panda. To his relief, Po was busy stuffing dumplings, in which he almost lost his medal.
"W-why are you talking about this now? What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing at all." Yin-Yu pulled away from him. "I was just thinking out loud what it would be like if we both had another chick. You liked it, didn't you?"
Shen's beak opened briefly. "I thought this number of children would be enough for you."
Yin-Yu giggled. "You never know. Just in case…" She snuggled into him again.
Shen wasn't sure if she was serious or joking. "Well, now…"
"AHHHH!" Po's scream shrilled through the rows of tables.
Everyone looked up in shock. A large figure with an oval wooden mask had appeared behind the panda.
"What's wrong with you?" a muffled voice asked behind the mask. "You seem to be overwhelmed by my gift." Shortly afterwards, Dr. Wu appeared behind it. "I apologize for my late arrival, but unfortunately I couldn't come earlier because my colleague couldn't take my place so quickly."
Po rubbed his chest, still shocked. "What do you want with that?"
Dr. Wu raised his head proudly. "Well, since my furnishings were damaged, I picked up what was still relatively undamaged. A wooden mask that a friend brought me from a trip abroad." He held out the wooden mask to Po. "It's my pleasure and an honor to present this to you."
Po hesitantly took the wooden mask. "Oh, um, thanks, that's very kind of you." Po breathed a sigh of relief and thought: "Well at least he didn't..."
"Oh yes," Dr. Wu said and dug out a glass from his trouser pocket with something floating around in it. "Here's an additional souvenir from my collection." He pressed the glass into the puzzled Po's paw. "This is an African cricket that wanted to be immortalized after its death."
Po swallowed hard and stared at the dead insect in the liquid.
"As a little illustrative material, so to say," Dr. Wu added. "Perhaps you will consider making your body available to science after your death. I'm sure you won't regret it…" Dr. Wu paused when he noticed Po's seat was empty. The doctor rubbed his head in surprise. "These young people these days. They always have something to do."
A few tables away, Master Croc was thoughtfully picking at his rice bowl until he pulled himself together and nudged Master Ox next to him with his elbow. "Hey?"
Master Ox's eyes wandered in his direction, bored. "Hm? What is it?"
"That one you were talking about earlier," Master Croco whispered to him, "I just can't get him out of my head."
"Who are you talking about?"
Master Croco leaned closer to him, as if afraid someone would overhear them. "Well, from the one who was there at the fight and who you said should have got the victory better. You already know. The battle that decided which city we should move to so we could set up a kung fu domicile. You almost spilled his name during your discussion with Master Shifu."
"Oh, he. Why do you ask?"
Master Croc's gaze briefly wandered over to Yin-Yu and Shen. "Do you think, we should tell Shen who his father ended up having a falling out with because he lost the fight? Or that we should tell him what happened here?"
Master Ox snorted and took a long drink from his cup. "You won't believe this, but I sent a letter to him a long time ago."
"You have what?!" Master Croc's jaw dropped so that it almost touched the table. "You... you wrote a letter to him!?" He immediately covered his mouth again because he had said it quite loudly so that the people sitting next to him already turned to look at them.
But Master Ox seemed completely indifferent to his reaction. "I never got a response from him. He obviously doesn't care what's going on here. But well. It doesn't matter to me at all. Miserable ignoramus. I really wonder who I would have gotten along with best. With Lord Liang, or with…"
"It's better if you don't say his name!" Master Croc warned. "I don't want to cause any more dissatisfaction with this family now."
"Whose family? With his or his?"
"Who do you mean now?"
"It doesn't matter!" Master Ochse concluded the topic and stood up.
At that moment, Shenmi came running towards them. "Here. I folded something for you."
She proudly held out two folded origami figures to the two kung fu masters. One was a crocodile and the other an ox.
In surprise, the two accepted the paper gifts. But before either of them could say anything, Shenmi started running again. "I have to move on. I have one for the Dragon Warrior Champion, too."
The two masters looked after her in surprise. Master Croco turned the origami crocodile back and forth. "She's still a sweet little angel, isn't she?"
Master Ox's expression darkened. "That's exactly what worries me."
Master Croco looked at him in surprise. "How come?"
"Because she won't stay a little girl forever," Master Ox answered, watching as Shenmi now threw herself against Shen, who lifted her up, laughing. "And he will have to realize that one day. If the children change, then the parents change again."
Master Croco frowned. Then he shrugged. "Oh, there's still a lot of time until then."
Master Ox narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Time passes quickly. And when the time comes, I'll keep a close eye on him."
Shen had put down little Shenmi again because his eyes fell on Ān-Mā, who had just passed him a little further away. He was about to go after her when a familiar, excited voice ruined his plans.
"Oh, it's good that I found you here," Po exclaimed exuberantly, after having been so rushed by Dr. Wu's congratulations and took the Japanese kung fu participant Yamato with him.
"What do you want, panda?" Shen asked. "I thought, you wanted to admire your gifts."
Po scratched his head in embarrassment. "Uh, well, I… my buddy from Japan had just told me something interesting. He said there was a reward for the ninja gang. And he wanted to know who should receive it."
Shen and Yin-Yu looked at each other. But it was Sheng who spoke up. "Well, I think if anyone should receive it, it should be Zedong. At least he knocked out the leader, didn't he?."
"But he's not of full age yet," Yin-Yu stopped his suggestion.
"Then it belongs to all of us," Zedong announced, appearing next to them out of nowhere. He clung to Shen's robe and looked up at him. "I get a medal and you get the reward. Wouldn't that be called family honor, dad?"
Shen smiled and stroked his head. "Well, maybe, something like that..."
Only then, he realized the meaning of the word again, and to his dismay, Sheng looked straight at him, seeming to be thinking the same thing.
Father and son exchanged questioning looks, but then Shen turned away and leaned briefly towards Yin-Yu. "Excuse me for a moment." He quickly left. He no longer wanted to be exposed to Sheng's gaze and found his way through the crowd. But then he noticed the old goat walking. Quickly deciding, he changed his path and followed her. When Ān-Mā noticed that he was following her, she turned to the edge of the courtyard and waited for him there.
With a serious look, Shen stopped in front of her. "You seem to know why I'm coming to you, don't you?" He didn't wait for an answer, but took out the small box. "Did you put it there?"
Ān-Mā sheepishly scraped the floor with her cane. "Maybe it fell out of my coat."
Shen narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Maybe. And maybe you didn't know about a secret compartment, right?"
Ān-Mā looked away in embarrassment. "To be honest, I only noticed it yesterday..."
Shen didn't let her finish and pushed the box into her hooves. "Be more careful where you lose your things in the future."
The goat looked at him with wide eyes. "But it belonged to your father. Don't you want to keep it?"
Shen shook his head. "What's the point of that?" He looked behind, where his family was chatting with others. "Just do me a favor and spare me any wisdom in the near future." Without another word, he walked past her and made his way to the stairs that led up the mountain. Ān-Mā watched him go in silence. Then she pocketed the box and disappeared into the crowd.
Sheng and Liana, on the other hand, had separated themselves from the others and were chatting animatedly.
"My home will seem a little lonely now," Liana said.
Sheng nodded understandingly. "And you really want to leave the day after tomorrow?"
Liana nodded. "Are you going to write to me?"
"Sure." Sheng wanted to ask something else, but then out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shen walking up the stairs up the mountain. "Excuse me for a moment. I'm right back."
Shen stared at the sky, lost in thought. He stood on a rocky outcropping from where he could look out over the brightly lit courtyard and watch the hustle and bustle. So many things were going through his mind. The conversation with Dao and also with Xiang had reopened wounds in him. It had reminded him of his childhood days, when he had to witness painful things most of the time. He raised his lance sword, which he had taken upstairs with him. He carefully felt the long wooden handle, then the blade. He didn't even want to think about it if he had lost it in Japan. The panda's complaints came to mind again, but this sword was more than just an object.
Shen's stomach felt heavy, like it was filled with stones. He slowly stroked the smooth metal surface with his flat wing. Again he felt transported back to the time where that sword had wiped out an important life in his life. He could still feel her soft fur, smelling her blood... Shen pressed his eyelids together briefly. He had wanted to forget the sight, but he had never been able to. Finally he couldn't help himself and pressed his forehead against the sword's surface. He reflexively gasped for air, trying to hold back the tears that were coming.
"I will honor your legacy," he breathed.
After a while he came to his senses and looked down into the yard again. Leaving the past behind was harder than he ever imagined. To distract himself, he searched the yard for familiar faces. The three little peacock boys – Zedong, Fantao and Jian – were playing between the tables. The sight reminded Shen of his previous encounters with Xiang and Dao, and he wondered whether he would have romped around with them in the same way if they had hatched at the same time. How would their life have turned out then? Shen paused and was surprised that Liana was sitting at a table without Sheng.
He listened when he heard a crack behind him.
He turned around quickly, his sword in fighting position.
"It's me, father," Sheng drew attention to himself and raised his wings in surrender.
Shen lowered his sword. "What are you doing here?"
Sheng slowly moved closer to him. "Well, I interpreted your leaving as a silent invitation to follow you." He stopped next to Shen. There was uncertainty on his father's face. "You've been so quiet all evening. Especially after the award ceremony." Sheng let a few seconds pass because Shen had avoided his gaze when the keyword "award ceremony" came up.
Sheng rubbed his wings embarrassedly. "Um, the masters said you had been here before. I mean, here in the Jade Palace, when you were still in kung fu school."
Shen raised his head in surprise. "Hm? Oh, yes, but that, that was a very, very long time ago."
"Was it a good time?"
Shen's answer came hesitantly. "Well, well, maybe… partially."
"Is that why you hate kung fu and learned another martial art?"
Shen's brisk gaze hit him hard. "Who told you that?"
"Master Ox had mentioned something."
There was another silence. Sheng watched as his father stroked his lance sword and as Shen's finger feathers trembled slightly for a second. But then Shen looked at his son seriously but determinedly. "There are things you don't need to know. At least not yet. Just maybe… if time deems it necessary."
Sheng nodded in understanding, but he still felt compelled to address another topic that was particularly close to his heart. "Not even about Liana? I really like her, but that doesn't mean we have any solid plans for the future. I just offered to get to know her better." He rubbed his wings nervously. "It's also very important to me that you agree to this. Maybe if you gave her the chance to get to know our family better too, that would..."
Shen raised his wing in warning. "Let's better postpone it for a better day. I'd like to… I'd like to be alone for a bit now."
"Are you… are you still… offended?" Sheng asked cautiously.
Shen wasn't in the mood for another emotional outburst. Talking too openly and in unfamiliar ways with Ān-Mā, Dao and Xiang had cost him a lot of strength and self-control. All these years he had always buried his feelings inside himself and never revealed them. Today had been too much and Shen tried to phrase his rejection as tactfully as possible.
He looked into the distance again and took a deep breath. "Son, I have never won anything in life since I was born. I don't want to have to endure defeat for the last part of my life. Do me a favor and give me some peace for the next while until I answer you."
Sheng bowed his head in resignation. "All right, father." He didn't want to pressure his father into anything.
He turned away and went back the way he came.
As soon as Sheng had moved away, Shen pressed his forehead against the flat blade of his lance sword. He didn't expect that Sheng would question him like that. But he just didn't feel capable of answering questions. So much had happened. Within a few days, he had learned out of the clear blue sky that he had not only been foisted with a missing brother who was believed to be dead, but also an illegitimate stepbrother. Then there were his father's written words. He never thought he would hear anything directly from him again. After his banishment from Gongmen City, they never spoke to each other again. The day of his banishment was almost 28 years ago. Then there was the confrontation with Sheng and Liana... Through all of this, the incident of the kung fu competition and the actual confrontation with Sheng had faded into the background again. Shen massaged his temples. After all the years since he was reunited with Yin-Yu, he had thought that his life was stable again, but the last few days had thrown him off track again. It would take some time for him to process all of this and be able to take a firm stand again, but he was very sure that a lot of time would have to pass before then.
A little further away, Ān-Mā watched from a small hill as Shen stood with his head bowed. She sighed and turned her gaze back to the night sky, where the stars twinkled innocently on the horizon. Her great-nephew Ling stood next to her and looked at her with concern.
After a while Ān-Mā took out a small blue feather from her coat.
Ling raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Is that the one from the archives that came with Liang's letter?"
Ān-Mā nodded sadly.
There was a short silence until Ling dared to break the silence.
"Great aunt?"
Ān-Mā's gaze shifted to him. "Hmm, what is it, Ling?"
"There's one thing I don't understand," Ling continued. "If Lord Liang never got to see his son Xiang, how does it come, he owns a feather from him?"
Ān-Mā had no answer to that either. She looked thoughtfully at the small blue feather in her hoof. "Well," she said after a while, "only Liang himself can answer this question. And what his answer to that would be," she sighed deeply, "we'll probably never know."
End of part 5…
...but the series is far from over. ;-) But here's a cut and wait to see what happens in the next story. I hope you enjoyed this part and continue reading the next episode "The Last Will". I would like to thank you very much for the many readers and many reviews. Thank you very much and see you next time!
As always, let me know if you find a terrible grammar error and write me a private note. Thank you!
