"Still no answer?"
"No," After what she confessed last night, Stefan was beginning to get worried that he had been calling Alyssa since they brought Rick in the previous night, and she hadn't picked up.
"Okay, now I'm worried." It wasn't like her not to come when someone she cared about was in trouble. "I'm going to go check on her."
"No, I'll go." He didn't think she would want to see her right now. "You stay with Rick."
Alyssa ignored yet another call from Stefan as she had with Damon and Elena. After the night, she didn't want to deal with whatever crisis had arisen.
She needed to do something she hadn't allowed herself to do, but Stefan had told her she needed to if she would find peace with who and what she was.
She needed to allow herself to feel the pain of losing a friend, a mother, and herself. She had to accept who she was now. The first step was learning to let go of who she was.
To do that, she had to say goodbye to the people she lost but would never forget. The people who loved her and made her who she was. She had to allow herself to feel all the pain and the hurt along with the loneliness.
She immersed herself in memories of the good and the bad. She let in everything she fought for so long to keep out until it left her curled up on the couch, unable and unwilling to move where she had stayed for the night, going through photos of the people who left her behind.
The people who she felt loved her unconditionally. Now that they were gone, she would have to be the person who loved her unconditionally. That meant she had to be someone she felt was worthy of love.
Stefan let himself in and headed for the stairs but stopped when he saw her on the couch with her legs pulled up to her chest, a blanket covering her lower half. She was looking down at something.
She was still looking at it when he walked in and saw what it was. They were pictures of Jenna and Vickie individually. Some were with her and Vicki and her and Jenna. Others were of the three of them together. She had been smiling in every one of the pictures.
In the year he had known her, he'd never seen her smile like that. She was genuinely happy. The girl in front of him was the opposite of the girl in the photo.
The girl in the photo had bright eyes that matched her smile and was full of hope and love. The girl in front of him lost those things.
He sat beside her on the edge of the couch, and she turned to him, wiping her eyes. She wanted to talk about the messages left on the phone that she hadn't looked at or listened to, but before she could get a word in, he wrapped his arms around her shoulder.
Just like the night before, she let herself be comforted by him this time without words. She cuddled into his side on the couch for what seemed like hours but was just minutes.
When she felt better in control, she sat up, letting her feet touch the floor. "What's going on?"
After witnessing her last night and just now, he wasn't sure he wanted to pull her into their latest problem, but with Damon and Elena going to get Jeremy, he would need her help.
He sat up, moving to the edge of the chair, and turned to her. "It's Rick. Damon went to get the white okay from him last night, but it wasn't where he left it."
"And you're thinking his vampire-hating alter ego does."
"Yeah, which we both know it's not good."
"Where is he now?"
"We locked him in the cellar. We're hoping we can convince his other self to hand it over. Until then…"
"You needed to ensure he couldn't use it to kill an original and wipe out its entire line, including us."
He shrugged.
"I'll go get dressed." She stood up.
"Are you sure you're up for this?"
"Do I have a choice?"
Alyssa thought Rick might enjoy having a few of his things while he waited for his alter ego, so she and Stefan stopped by his apartment to bring him a few things to make him more comfortable in the cell.
When they got back to the house, Damon was heading out the front door with a bag of his own. Like the night before, she practically ran into him on his way out.
She considered asking him about the suitcase but didn't and walked around him. Wherever he was going or whatever he was up to, she decided it wasn't her business.
Unless it involved the situation they found themselves in, and somehow she knew it didn't. Her suspicions were correct when she saw Elena walk in with a suitcase of her own.
The guilty look on her face let her know that Damon's bags being packed and her bags being packed were for the same reason.
Elena spoke before she could ask, not that she was going to. She had concluded that she no longer cared about Elena and Damon as long as it didn't directly affect her.
"Hey," Elena started by tucking her hair behind her hair. "I called you a bunch of times last night."
"If it's about Rick, Stefan already filled me in."
"No. Well, yeah, but I wanted to talk to you about Jeremy. Now that Klaus knows where he is, it's not safe for him. I will go get him, and Damon's coming with me."
She was waiting for her to disapprove of both of them going to get Jeremy, but she didn't.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Elena looks at Stefan as if it's some kind of trick on her part.
"Klaus knows where he is now, and we can't depend on the ring to protect him, so you're right; he needs to come home."
She leaves and goes to check on Alaric.
She walks down the stairs into the basement, approaches the door to one of the cells, and peers through the barred door window. She unlocks the door and enters the cell. Alaric is sitting on a cot in the room.
"You know, you shouldn't be here. It defeats the point of being locked in a cellar thing."
"Well, unless you have that white oak stake on you…" Alaric turns his head to face her. "I'm not all that worried."
He sits up, putting his feet on the ground. "Elena's been trying to get a hold of you all night."
"I had some stuff I needed to do. Stefan found me and told me what was going on. Are you sure you want to be kept here?"
"This is the right place for me to be. At least until you can convince my highly uncooperative alter ego to fess up where he or I hid the white oak stake.
"Damon and Stefan looked everywhere. You...the other, you hid it well. So Stefan and I will watch over you for a little while. Now that Klaus knows where Jeremy is, it's not safe, so Damon and Elena will go to Denver to pick him up."
"You okay with that?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Elena and Damon are traveling across the country together; I know how you feel about him."
"And we know how he feels about her. I've been learning to accept it and am trying to learn how to be okay with it." She shrugs. "Damon and I aren't meant to be. I'm more curious to hear what Stefan says about it."
"Say about what?" Stefan asks, bringing Rick's bag down and a bottle of whiskey.
"Elena and Damon's road trip." She answers.
"It was my idea." Alyssa turns to him, surprised. "Elena has some unresolved feelings for him that she needs to figure out."
She took Rick's bag from Stefan. "Oh, I know." Elena's been denying her feelings for a while. Alyssa knew it was going to take more than twenty-four hours for her to be able to sort through them.
She drops the bag in front of Alaric and turns to Stefan. "I'm just surprised you're giving it to her."
Alaric picks up one of the books and looks at Alyssa. "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?"
"What? I thought you'd appreciate it."
Rick spotted the bottle of whiskey in Stefan's hand. "Not as much as I appreciate this."
"Damon thought it would help you fall asleep."
"Speaking of Damon," Rick looked between the two of them.
"I'm nowhere near sober enough for this conversation," Stefan says.
"I'll feel decidedly less pathetic if I don't drink alone."
"Oh, I am one step ahead of you." He shows Alaric two glasses and sits down in the chair. He holds a glass out to Alyssa.
She declines. "No thanks." She leans against the cell wall by the door. Alaric pours some whiskey into Stefan's cup. "I think I've drowned my sorrows enough."
"You're gonna have a sober conversation about Damon and Elena?" Stefan asks, surprised. He turns to Rick, "That is what you meant when you brought up Damon? You want to talk about the trip and her feelings for him."
"I'm more curious to find out why you suggested it."
"Elena needed to go on the road trip with Damon to sort out her feelings."
Alaric looks at Alyssa. "And you're okay with that?"
"Stefan's right; Elena needs to sort out her feelings. It's the only way any of us can move on. But for that to happen, Elena has to be honest with herself, and I don't think she's ready."
"Are the two of you?" Stefan looks up at Alyssa, who meets his gaze. "Are you prepared for what comes next if she decides she has feelings for him too?'
"I am. Are you?"
Alaric needed to finish the bottle if they hoped he would fall asleep, so Stefan went upstairs to find a drink. Alyssa followed him.
"That's not going to help." She parroted what he had said to her so many times before. "I should know. I spent many nights trying to use that to dull the pain, but it never went away."
"You think I made a mistake."
"You want to talk to me about making mistakes?" She looked up at him as she sat down. "The girl who fell in love with a guy she knew was in love with her sister because if we're trading mistakes, it makes the top of the list."
"You're talking to a vampire who fell in love with a human who looks exactly like a girl who played me and my brother against each other." He said, joining her on the couch. "I'm the last person to judge you on who you decided to fall in love with."
"It would have been so much easier if I could fall for someone like you. Sure, you're a little messed up with the whole ripper thing, but you fight like hell every day not to give into your basic nature. It makes you a stick in the mud sometimes, but you're a good guy, Stefan—Vampire or not. I appreciate you being there for me. Trying to keep me from going too far off the deep end. If Elena can't see how amazing you are, she's even more broken than I am."
"Hey, you're not broken."
She scoffs.
"You're not." He said firmly. "Someone who was truly broken would have taken the easy way out and chose not to feel anything after everything you've been through, but you chose to live with the pain and the sadness. You chose to fight for the people you love. You may not always go about it the right way, but your heart is always in the right place."
"Not everyone would agree."
"That's because they're not paying attention."
"And you are?"
"Someone needs to keep you from falling off the deep end."
"You know, after you left last night, I couldn't sleep." She confessed thinking about what she had admitted to him got her thinking about other stuff. "I couldn't get my brain to shut off. I kept thinking about what I had said and my feelings for Damon. My hatred of Klaus, how I felt about Elena, but mostly how I felt about myself. If you haven't noticed, I don't exactly have high self-esteem."
It wasn't always like that. It was around middle school when she started to have those negative thoughts. She felt like her parents were constantly measuring her up to Elena, and it wasn't just them.
It felt like the whole town was comparing them. No matter what she did, it was never good enough. She felt like she was never good enough. Jenna and Vicki were the only people who didn't make her feel that way.
"Elena casts a wide shadow. She's always made me feel inferior. Even now, when I could snap her in half, I still feel so insecure."
Everyone willing to risk everything for her reinforced that feeling.
"I spent most of my life depending on other people to change the way I feel about myself. I think it's time I learn to depend on myself for that. So, while I appreciate you wanting to keep me from the worst parts of myself, you can't, and I can't let you."
Even though he was the one person she felt she had in her corner, things needed to change.
"I don't want to confuse your friendship for something else, and I would because I need something to hold on to. I need someone to hold on to because right now, I'm flailing. That person can not be you."
She realized that she was depending on him more and more lately, and she had to stop.
"It's the mistake I made with Tyler and Damon. Maybe even Elijah and I can't go through it again. I know you think I'm strong, but I'm not. I meant it. I'm barely holding on."
She didn't plan on admitting it to anyone, but she knew if she were going to change and be a better person, she would have to start being honest. She looked down in shame.
"I almost used the white oak steak on myself. If you hadn't called to tell me about Rebekah taking Damon, I'd probably be dead. That was a shallow point for me."
She looked back at him and saw concern and tears in his eyes. There were tears in her eyes as well. "For the first time, I knew what it felt like to have no hope truly, and I don't ever want to feel that again. I want to try to be happy again."
If she were to succeed, she needed to find a life of her own because right now, the closest people in her life were there because of Elena; if she ever wanted to leave her shadow and let go of her insecurities, she'd had to find a life separate from her sisters.
"I can accept Damon's feelings for her and that he'd never feel the same way about me. I even accept that she might have feelings for him." Something she knew Stefan didn't want to hear, but it was their reality.
"I can finally be free of all of that. But to do that I'm going to need some space from you. Damon and Elena as well, this whole situation,"
And though she could never abandon them when they needed her the most and leave Mystic Falls, she could distance herself.
"That's what I need right now."
If anyone understood the need for space, it was him.
Of course, she was going to be there to help with Rick and to keep Klaus in line, but that's as far as her involvement in their lives was going to go.
"You don't have to explain," Stefan said, taking her hand in a comforting gesture, and she pulled out of his hold as soon as he did.
The feeling she got when he touched her hand was why she was distancing herself. She wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.
"I'm going to go check on Rick." She got up without waiting for a response.
Rick was reading a book when she got down there.
"Still no Mr. Hyde, huh?" She nonchalantly tried her best to push the conversation with Stefan out of her head.
"Not yet. I assume they've got Jeremy by now?"
"They should." She shrugged. "Haven't heard from them. I'm worried about him, knowing he can't count on his ring anymore."
"Who knows? Maybe his alter ego is a pot-smoking, hippie pacifist."
"Yeah, maybe."
"You okay?" She seemed a little distracted to him.
"Not really."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Come on, I need something to do to pass the time while I'm here. I thought we agreed that we would look out for each other."
"This isn't something you can help me with."
"Damon?"
She pulled up a chair. "Stefan,"
He looked surprised.
"Yeah, I didn't see that coming either. You don't have to say it. I know nothing is and will ever come out of it. I'm not even sure I want it to. He's been there for me a lot lately, and I needed that. But trust me, I'm not making that mistake again." To change the subject, she said, "So, how long do you think it's going to take your alter ego to make an appearance?"
"I can't say, but I never thought my mind would be so hostile and militant."
"That makes perfect sense. Your wife left you to become a vampire, and your girlfriend was killed by one."
"You must hate me. Here I am, the failed hunter slash drinking buddy of vampires."
"Ah, he's too judgmental."
"The thing is, he's me. I'm not compelled, I'm not possessed, there's no humanity switch. What drives him is me."
"No. No, he's not you. He's the darkest part of you. The parts we all have. The part I'm trying to keep in control."
"Maybe you getting out of control is exactly what we need."
"Rick, no."
"Evil me or whatever you want to call him, he won't appear. Why would he? I mean, the best hiding place is where you can't find the person who hid it."
"I don't want to do that. I can't." She was trying not to give into her basic instincts, and here he was asking her to do.
"I don't think we have much choice in the matter."
Alaric takes off his ring.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm hoping my alter ego doesn't have a death wish. So, I'm taking bets that my dark side has a sense of self-preservation. So, let's see if he defends himself against death."
"I'm not gonna kill you."
"If we have any chance at this, you'll have to try. You know I'm right."
She did, but it didn't mean she was okay with it.
"What happens if Klaus finds out we lied about the steak? What do you think he's going to do? He already tried killing Jeremy once. Do you want to give him a chance to do it again?"
"Rick."
"I'm asking you to save the people you care about. I'm asking you to save me."
He was appealing to the part of her that needed to protect everyone she loved. He knew that part of her would do anything to protect them. Even something as complex as what she was asking.
She was trying so hard not to be that person. But she knew Rick was right. If they had any chance of getting answers, that's exactly who she needed to be.
She rushes towards Alaric and punches him. Hit him several times, and each time, he gets back up. The last hit caused him to lose a tooth.
"You're not putting enough into this."
"If I put more into it, I'm gonna break your spine."
"Come on!'
"No!"
"Yes! You're going to have to want to kill me for me to believe that you will."
"If I go this far, I may not be able to stop."
"If you want the answers from my darkest side, you'll have to tap into yours. So, don't back down, don't fight it. Just do it. Do it!"
Alaric grabs a whole of her shirt and shakes her. She throws Alaric against the brick wall. Alaric falls to the ground and laughs.
"You're so weak." He gets up. 'Look at you, one of nature's most hideous creatures, and you can't even get that right."
Alyssa stands down, realizing that it was no longer Rick she was talking to. "You."
"Me."
"Where's the stake?"
"You're worse than I ever was. Spineless, pathetic."
"Tell me where the stake is before I kill you."
"You know you're all going to burn. Ashes to dust."
She hits Alaric repeatedly.
"Where's the stake?!'
Alaric doesn't answer. She hits him again, then grabs him in a chokehold. "You got three seconds to tell me before I kill you. One, two," with each count, her hold on him gets tighter.
"It's in the cave. Where no vampire can get it."
She let him go but kept a watchful eye on him. "Now, was that so hard."
"It's in the caves." She told Stefan when she came back upstairs, whipping her hands. She pours herself a drink. "You might want to call Matt or Bonnie. You know, seeing as how you and I can't go in."
She drowned her drink and poured another one. Before he could say anything, she told him, "You should go. I'll stay here with Rick."
He nodded and left, calling Bonnie on the way out.
She returned upstairs after checking on Rick as Damon returned from his trip.
"Where's Stefan?" He had searched the whole house and hadn't found him.
"He's at the caves retrieving the last white oak steak."
"And Rick?"
"Still locked up. Jeremy?"
"Getting tucked in as we speak."
"Then I guess that's my cue."
"Aren't you going to ask how the trip went?" Damon asked her as she headed for the door.
She stopped and turned to him. "I didn't need this trip to know how she felt, nor did she. She was just too afraid to admit it to herself. So was I, but not anymore."
Before he could question her, she lightly touched his cheek, staring at him. He hadn't gotten back on vervain since Klaus had drained him of it so he could be compelled.
She left shortly after she gave him whatever feelings for her she had compelled away. It wasn't right for her to take them out in the first place. It was just a lot easier dealing with her feelings if she didn't have to deal with him.
It was another way for her to run, but she was tired of running and exhausted from always keeping her feelings in check. She didn't want to do it anymore.
If she wanted to find some happiness in her life, then she needed to let in the pain as well. It was the only way she was going to get back to living.
"Jeremy wanted to up for you, but I guess the day finally caught up to him," Elena says, entering her room. "But it's good that he gets his rest. Jumping right back into things couldn't have been easy for him."
"I nearly killed Rick to get his alter ego to cough up the only weapon that could kill an original and me in extensions. It isn't easy for any of us. But we all do what we have to to survive. We do what we have to to protect the people we love."
Elena thought that was the perfect transition into talking about what happened with Damon, but before she could get the words out, she was stopped by Alyssa's words.
"And before you make any confessions, whatever happened between you and Damon is between you, Damon, and Stefan. I don't need to know."
She pulled the covers back on her bed and got in. "You can close the door on your way out."
Elena knew that was her way of dismissing her. She turned and left, closing the door behind her.
