Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever (Redux)
Transparent (Chapter 7)
Disclaimer: Mario=Nintendo, Me= not much
Author note: This took forever sorry, but I think it is worth..
The sharp ticks of the wall clock rattled Luigi's soul as he waited for Mario to hang up with the princess. Whatever was happening as Mario hid in that storage room, voices carried otherwise, it didn't bode well. Ear against the door, Luigi captured a few vexing responses on his brother's end, followed as quickly by an obsequious apology.
"Let me talk to you," he said as Mario was leaving. He shut them back inside, leaving a sliver for light to bleed in. The dark square shaped room housed bird feed, a sack of potatoes, emergency bags of stardust, and a hair dryer to list some. "I want to start over with this whole mess, Mario. In the beginning, before this other crap, I had contact with Kylie today because we suspected 'You Know Who'. Why do you think it's impossible that it's him?"
The cornered older brother seemed to absorb the question without riposte. Had Mario been anticipating this?
"..Impossible? ..No, but Bowser swore to have peace with the Mushroom Kingdom. If he flipped the script, when did he have time to pull this off? He went straight to the game. Okay, so there's his catalog of minions but he definitely didn't invite them to tag along the way he reacted in the locker room. Then there's the Mushroom Flu bit. Way too touchy. Peach would never spill the full story, or Bowser.." In a fit, he pounded his fist into his palm. "-Bet it's not a coincidence. The mastermind dug up from the grave a twenty plus year old scandal to make us all fight again!"
Luigi tripped over a box of test tubes in a daze. The only thing worse than their irksome but familiar enemy Bowser was of course, someone OTHER than Bowser.
"-Didn't mean to rant, lil bro. Basically I know 'You know who'. And.. I like him."
While Luigi remained on his feet that time, the blow was like that of a bob-omb. No, it would have been a lesser betrayal he felt if Mario pulled out a fire flower and shot him point blank in the face. "Sure you do! Nobody satisfies your thrill seeking needs like 'em!"
"No, you listen to me for once!" Mario dove for the door handle just as Luigi was about to slip out. A struggle ensued. "You really.. wanna know why.. it's because I can be myself.." he grunt. "He's not terrible.. it's just some stock role! Why else would he reason with the rest of us that fighting the Mushroom Kingdom was stupid and outdated and selfdestructive? He doesn't care what other people think either and I wish I could say that too! Nooo, I'm..I'm 'Mr. Hero!'"
Forfeiting the tug o'war, Luigi pouted in an antsy manner. "-You are the MAIN hero, so now you're complaining that you're universally loved by all and considered the best? That's SOME struggle!-"
Mario leaned against the adjacent wall, panting. "-Luigi, I can not emphasize enough how frustrating it is when those close to us only know the fictitious stuff from the games. I guess with the war over that 'thrill-seeking' was me trying to rediscover myself. Bowser wouldn't be, yeah I know, the only person I could share this stuff with if I wasn't stuck in this role forever."
"You're not. We're training others!"
"And they turn into clones of me soon enough.."
"That's.. A problem?"
With a deep sigh he turned his back to Luigi, shoulders slumping. This worried the younger brother. "It is, when it's all FAKE! If you just want to wallop me for lying all this time, go ahead! I set myself up for this, okay I admit it. I should have never pretended to be some action star in the first place when we moved to this Kingdom. I just wanted the Mushroom people here to like me, a doofy fat plumber who would look like a clown otherwise, okay?" When he quaked, the younger brother raced to him. In his grasp, Mario continued to cry uncontrollably, "I should have stopped giving a crap about what others thought like you figured out long ago. It's just.. the longer this went on I couldn't let it go!"
"Mario, it's okay!" Luigi begged, tearing up with him. "You can do whatever you want, even be a sports coach like you used to dream about!"
Mario's eyes fluttered open, astonished his brother still remembered that forlorn aspiration. Pre-Mushroomite life they ran their family owned plumbing shop since graduating. While Luigi was content there for the foreseeable future, Mario developed a love for sports from having little to do but watch them on their downtime from a black and white TV. Soon he knew the basics of them all, even 'Calcio Fiorentino'- which only their old Italian grandparents could pronounce correctly. With his knack for leadership it seemed obvious, until a warp pipe situation happened and nothing in life was obvious anymore…
Mario wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I didn't mean to lose it like that. I'm okay. Whatever's going on, I'll tell you now. It doesn't matter if Bowser's involved or not. Bros before Koopas-"
After a loud bang outside, Mario brothers scrambled out the closet and into the chaos of the lobby. A boo diddly, so pale they were barely opaque, pressed their face against the glass of the windows. Above them a white song bird flew around erratically, a fresh escapee from the lab, and behind them a caramelly mocha was splattered on the floor and reception desk.
"Oh thank Eldstar he's not really out there! Miss Intern, make it stop!"
The intern pressed a clicker in the hand that wasn't scrubbing with a paper towel. Birdley circled around the ceiling lights one last time squawking 'see ya later cuz', and then swooped down and landed on a wooden perch near Mary.
"What happened?" Mario asked groggily.
"That bird kept mimicking 'Susie', my bully cousin."
"-Boo, Susie was the photographer at the press," Luigi piped up. "And the only other boo I saw around here was some Bowser baddie so they can't be the same person…" He checked with Mario, who shrugged back. "Wait a minute..".
...
Toadsworth manned the castle entrance, watching and waiting, eyelids growing heavy as a white haze obscured the sun gradually. He snapped awake, straightening his posture. With a yawn he accepted defeat and rang his special gold bell for assistance. Since peace time began three months ago there was a chronic deficit of labor on weekends, Peach refusing to task too many to clean up her home all day when they could be 'out there, enjoying life' in her words.
As if there was more to a Mushroomite's life than serving their princess, Toadsworth scoffed.
Someone put away their dust pan and approached, leaner and taller than most. "I'm free, Mr. Toadsworth brah."
The elder masked his apprehension at the golden yellow toad with tanned skin. With a newly miniscule workforce he knew everyone intimately.. "Thank you Ala-Gold. I will return after a brief recess."
Using wifi Alagold messaged another staffer. A shorter, more muscular blue toad soon raced down the steps. Having an identical track record for accompanying the Mario bros to fight the Koopa Troop in wars long past, they gave each other their secret handshake and laughed.
Later Alagold leaned lazily against the castle's white stone outside walls. "I hate I was stuck on laundry. What's the deal today?"
Bucken-berry sat on the moat's edge, feet dangling down. "Too much. I was thinking about hunting the killer down myself. If I pulled it off Mario would promote me for sure!"
"Whatta bout the virus that got Mr. Toad?"
He could faintly see heat radiate as Buckenberry grew silent, balling his fists. "..I mean, I don't want him to die or anything, but.. He's overrated. He hasn't helped Mario on an adventure in decades so why people get googly eyed over that guy I never know."
The yellow toad kept his lips sealed. Right after, he spotted someone walking towards the castle. The stranger's exposed skin was marred with old abrasions and holes in his shoes were visible from a mile away.
"Greetings. I have arrived at Princess Peach Toadstool's request for additional servants." The lightly speaking toad held a withered pink invitation they recognized from the princess- if five years out of date!
Alagold approached with some caution. "No interviews were-"
"-Ignore him. Get over here!" Buckenberry commanded.
The stranger scurried closer. "Umm. I'll start over. Hi, I'm Thomas." He held out his hand and received an awkward shake in return from both. "So, I can do literally whatever for Princess Peach Toadstool. I'm ready to start now."
"-You sound kinda funny, man. I can hardly understand you!"
Buckenberry shook his head exasperatedly. "Listen better, Gold. It's because of his foreign kingdom accent, kinda like your island one. Speaking of.. You sound Darklandian!" Thomas yelped as Buckenberry twisted his wrist around. "-Ah ha, a Koopa Troop tattoo!" He seized the toad, lifting him over his head.
"Chill out!" Ala-Gold repeated as Toadsworth and two others, the cook in an apron and a banker with crumbs in his mustache, shuffled outside and onto the bridge.
Toadsworth barged between them. "Are you having a row out here? Cease that, I say! What is the matter?"
Buckenberry dropped the miniscule toad. "A cretin from Dark Land wanted to say hi."
"But I don't know rotten Bowser! The tattoo was just to get past a checkpoint and I hitched a ride here with some others. I saw an opportunity and took it. I promise!" Thomas dropped to his scarred knees before the elder. " I only survived this long because I moved up to Mayor Koton's office in Neo Bowser City. Just about every civilian works for a warlord. Please!"
Toadsworth scowl faded. "Goodness… You are a Dark Land citizen? Oh, you were kidnapped rather. When?.. Too painful to remember? Let me not distress you further. We shall see how your on boarding as desired unfolds."
He bounced back to his feet. "Thank you thank you thank you!" and so on…
Toads and humans from allied kingdoms were the exemplary servants of the royal Toadstool line. Neutral kingdoms, territories, and of course 'other' species, were subject to harsher scrutiny but qualifiable. Since the Peace Pact, Dark Land was pointedly in the latter category and there was nothing Toadsworth could do about it. The rules were rules. He anticipated the grunt of derision originating from gossip hound Chef Tim. Zeror the financier in turn looked on expectantly, the thirtish green toad being known for vocally begging for more on the payroll..
Buckenberry pinched between his dark eyebrows. "Noooo friggin way I just heard that. Excuse the language Mr. Toadsworth, but come on! Let's forget that we didn't verify crap. What if he sucks at this job?"
Tolerating his attitude by a taut thread, Toadsworth cleared his throat. "There is no obligation or desire to repel our guest while we wait for the princess. Now Thomas, who would you prefer as chaperone?"
Thomas studied them acutely. "..Yeah, that one. Thank you again, Mr. Toadswell."
"-Ah-hem, it is Chancellor Toadsworth. Much appreciated volunteer spirit, Ala-Gold. I will return with refreshment for you both. Tally ho!" And they went back indoors.
Alagold, standing back the entire time, shuddered. A first for him, he was picked. Buckenberry leaned into his ear. "Have fun.." he said, brushing past his shoulder. Sometimes Alagold wondered why Mario coined him 'Cool Blue' in the past except to be ironic.
Once the coast was clear, Thomas dove down into the trimmed green grass, combing the blades between his fingers. "Can't believe it's real!" He rolled onto his back. "And a blue-ish sky. Oh my God!"
"Who? And how old are you, bruh?"
"Just an expression. I'm Seventeen."
Alagold asked if he wanted to experience the opulence of the castle, which was refused for some reason. He absently watched the younger red toad prance around, skipping, hopping, doing cartwheels and more. Bothered, he stepped up to him hesitantly. "Hey, I don't think the forty hour work week will be too gnarly, but it's something else.. This job is super serious, brah. You ain't hiding nothing, right?"
Thomas landed from an acrobatic leap. "Of course not."
…
Bowser continued to wear track marks in the beige carpet. "No no no! Check again!"
At Bowser Castle, the koopa that was wandering around with a tool box and dragged along to act as impromptu accountant, ransacked the small room in the northernmost spire turned office. Lemmy bite his nails watching the guy fling documents around.
"-King Dad, we can't figure out who authorized an airship or anything else because, well, I don't think they took anything!"
Bowser nearly hurled his dumbphone through the wall. "There's no way the runts WALKED into town! Ahhhhhgg!"
He breathed in and out to not explode over this insidious plot. How could any of his easily noticed army waltz into the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom? He could hardly sneak around himself with his tiny clown copter, and that was with the invisibility cloak on.
"-This is what goes then! I need you kids to come down and round them all up for the dungeons. 'Peacefully' I mean! And I'm not sure where I want ya to meet me yet so stand by when you get here."
"S-sure King Dad…" Lemmy gulped after the call ended. "..He wants us to come down and do something about our missing minions. I told you Luddy that this might be a problem."
Ludwig nodded with a brilliant if mischievous glint in his eyes. "Vater has spoken and we shall comply!" He spun to the others, rubbing his claws together. "Iggy, configure the systems. Wendy and Larry, please prepare the ropes and chains for bondage. Stop laughing. Roy and Morton, prepare the artillery. General Lemmy and I must prepare a flight plan. We can wake up Kamek to come along as well."
"Excuse me, Luddy-sama. Did I hear something about missing minions ?" Iggy lingered as the others scattered.
"Affirmative, if suspect. The only vehicle that departed this morning was Vater's Clown Copter and your friend's shipping truck. I am certain as I was watching."
"Oooh. Okay okay, hehe." Iggy inched away and dithered as the others squeezed into the old undersized elevator. He darted for the stairway instead.
Ludwig brushed that odd behavior off. Perhaps Iggy had wised up to the ideal that he should use deodorant in the mornings AND afternoon AND evenings. He pressed the ground floor button for them all and the steel doors shut. "Yes?" Ludwig groaned after catching Larry giving him the stink eye.
Larry childishly puffed and faced the elevator back wall like a weirdo. "Nuthin!"
Morton poked Larry's blue shell. "Cheer up, rejoice, celebrate! We will get to see the city!"
"And ya only hafta be 21 to get the Japanese version of Chuckola Cola in dat Kingdom!" Roy chest bumped with Morton, making the elevator wobble and lights flicker.
"Uh Roy, you're not even twenty-one though." Lecturing younger siblings left a bad taste in Lemmy's mouth, not as bad as getting into trouble however.
"Ya weren't gonna card for us, Lem? Sheesh! Thought it was just yer height but now I know why ya single!" he teased. "Yer just lame!"
Wendy and Morton giggled senselessly. Ludwig barked over them that they weren't taking extra stops to no avail. Eventually, as the elevator reluctantly grinded to the ground floor, he gave Lemmy a pat of condolence. By Dark Land standards they were the only 'adults' in the room.
…
Bowser frantically moved junk out of the way to scavenge the Mario bros home. It didn't matter if Mario texted him to stay put because he wanted to wait for more info, he couldn't sit around when delinquents were roaming the streets under his name doing who knew what. Times had changed. He had an image to maintain now.
He tumbled over one last thing, a stack of 200lb weights, sorta impressive if Mario was deadlifting that stuff, and flopped in front of the bedroom. He could try to find a disguise and if he stumbled upon a treasure steal it too, just because. Inside were two made up red and green beds with a black dresser in-between. He rummaged through the two wooden drawers, flinging about shirts and overalls until he reached the lowest one on Mario's side. A robe was folded around an old album. One photo slipped out featuring someone, face obscured, cradling Bowser Junior, a helpless baby koopa belonging to a newly widowed father.
This wasn't the kind of treasure he was expecting..
~Legendarily, Junior was Junior because it was Queen Clawdia's dying wish. An awful thing to do in retrospect, it was not and Bowser blurted only that out during the initial grieving process so everyone would stop asking why his name was reserved for the eighth and final child. Intelligent answers were impossible, as it was a funeral for himself as much as his wife. As the event dragged along, a stealthy cloaked figure drew close to him, evading his guards. The magikoopa reached out and touched him. Bowser stiffened, opening his crusted over eyes he realized he was being eased into a hug. He recognized the face of the so-called stranger but chose not to resist. Their unprompted words of encouragement still echoed in his mind to this day.~
Back in reality Bowser kneeled at the drawer long enough for his back to hurt. He cleared up his runny nose. "Stupid Mario you.. Why do you still have that?" He shoved the items back where they were. He had another idea anyway.
...
"-No I mean not like together together, just to hang out at the mall?"
Dave tossed his army jacket off and onto the coat rack, just completing the last helicopter landing for the day. "Thanks, maybe later," replied the first responder, a handsome Boom Boom about three years Emery's senior. She had a cute face to him but he'd been dodging her crush forever. He knew workmate romances were like petting an untamed chain chomp. You could only get away with it so many times.
Tail between her legs, Emery T. retreated to her workstation on the opposite side of the landing pad when her personal phone rang.
"-Hey, fangirl…No, just allergies. So how ya doing? ..Good. I know it's crazy but I need a hand. Could ya send a wagon over for an 'emergency' at so and so?"
"Whatever you say, King. I'm on it!" That area code seemed oddly close to Pleasant Path, the last place her favorite villain would be, she thought but just as quickly dismissed. Emery caught up with the boom boom at the timekeeping terminal.
"Dave, waitaminute. I got one more call!"
"Let the next shift get it." He rolled his eyes, walking off.
Doctor Professor Koopa waited at the stairs, appearing out of nowhere. "Miss Emery? Report to my office please."
Emery followed him down into the doctor's office. Doctor Professor closed the heavy door behind her and then took a seat at his desk. Every time she was sent here for 'behavior' she despised it more, full of old furniture, wall high cases of thick dusty books in a foreign language, and shelves presenting as trophies rusty barbaric medical equipment fit for a dungeon.
"Do you know Sebastian Bullet?"
"Sir? I- in the past I guess."
Satisfied, Doctor Professor clasped his hands. "You are a smart girl. You know unscrupulous service reports, such as those courtesy of Mr. Bullet, harm this facility greatly. If only we could determine who incited them," he pleaded suddenly.
She felt herself turn into stone and babbled an answer. "Check with my mom. She ran the phone lines."
Doctor Professor leaned closer, adopting a challenging glare. "Nurse Nass was indeed, but I think that's irrelevant my dear, since those cellular doohickeys exist. -Like the ones we've caught you on all day!"
She blushed. "Sir, I'm sorry!"
He opened a manila folder on his desk, containing perfectly intact original documents for the MKDCU's patient discharge. Emery was unquestionably the nurse that had signed it off. "Not enough. You are fired."
Her termination did not register for a moment, as she was certain, as certain as Peach hating Bowser, that she had burnt those papers hours ago and scattered the ashes into the wind.
…
In awe Thomas remained close to Peach's shimmering lake. It was ages since he'd seen any large body of liquid that wasn't lava. Like a mirror, it reflected the sky, the vibrant pink roof of the castle, and his rather scrawny self. Every other toad he'd encountered, even old Chancellor whatchamacallit, was taller and or more filled out. That might be a problem..
He took the last slip of the herb tea, setting down the ceramic cup and continuing his questioning. His chaperone, reticent at first, proved to be a trove of information. He learned how Alagold got hired when his only previous experience was at an old sailor's in at Ricco Harbor, if Mario lived there, why not, if Princess Toadstool, his insistent phasing, still had family around, how life was in Toad Town, how much the gold coins were worth internationally, and the hardest one yet, if everyone was nice here..
At that, Alagold stopped and gathered some courage. "-So I love giving you a crash course, but I gotta ask, what do you know about this place already?"
"Nothing."
"At all brah? No offense, but that's the weird part. Everyone knows about us. Even bad guys."
Thomas spun around at him quickly. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you know, Bowser used to send agen-" Alagold's naturally low voice was buried under a noisy engine.
Snifit Patrol's signature space age like car dropped off a reporter in an orange ball cap on the edge of Peach's lawn, the officer waving enthusiastically as he sped off. The dark boo forced a smile, revealing jagged sharp teeth. "Just investigating! There's no Bowser people around here, right?!"
After motioning for Thomas to go inside, the yellow toad ran up to hold off the reporter in the middle of the field. "Alagold, steward here. Nah brah, and the Princess doesn't let people snoop."
The boo sighed in an exaggerated fashion and produced a laminated card. "I'm a local. It's no problem bro. Just call it a tour. You were gonna do something like that for someone else weren't ya?"
Alagold stifled a laugh at 'Zoo S. Diddley's' Mushroom identification photo, where he made a dumb face on purpose and wore a oversized pink polka dot bow tie. It would seem he was a comedian or something. Aside from that imagery, it had expired a few months ago. "Brah, it's old. Not sure how you miss that unless you forget your reading glasses or something, man. No offense." He scratched his head. "But if you work for the paper.. We're cool I guess."
The dark boo licked his lips. "Great. Don't think I'll be disappointed…"
Alagold followed him to the castle, embarrassed of his trepidation. This was no big deal, yet it was something about the reporter's eyes, black instead of yellow like most dark boos, bottomless black pits that held him captive until Zoo voluntarily broke the contact.
"Did someone tip you off, brah?"
"..."
"-Because. So, hey why is our paper always tossed late or into the moat? Mr. Toadsworth is fussy over that."
"..."
"-And when does that subscriber promotion kick in?"
Zoo stopped abruptly. "Here's your promotion goldilocks. Say cheese." He snapped a dazzlingly bright photo in Alagold's face and stuffed the polaroid in his shirt pocket. When the stars cleared from the toad's vision, his muscles were completely locked. He could only stand like a statue..
Meanwhile Thomas leaned on his tiptoes to see through the peephole. "Mr. Toadsworks, there's a-"
"I have it!" Toadsworth descended from upstairs briskly. "And it's Chancellor- Never mind." He chuckled wryly as he answered the door. "Oh, a representative of the Press are you? Due to our circumstances we cannot accept presently, thank you."
Zoo phased through the closed door. "Rude bastard." He glided closer making Toadsworth shriek and stumble backwards. Thomas fled into the closest inner room. "Is there a Bowser baddie here or not?"
Toadsworth grumbled, leaning on his stick to stand up. "Tut tut! This is Peach Castle innit? So of course not! Be warned, belonging to that meddlesome Press downtown, and not on the good side of it, does not afford pests like you impunity to trespass! This will teach you-"
With a ferocious growl Zoo teleported to him and snatched his bell out of his grasp before he got one ring out of it. "Funny how little it takes to embolden little toadys, like stupid antiques." Zoo examined the shiny weighty bell again. "Actually this one's alright. Dad collected stuff like this. Ha ha."
A bead of sweat rolled off Toadsworth's forehead. "May I have that back?" He ventured as benignly as possible.
"Yes good sir, you may!" Zoo bashed the old mushroom in the forehead with the bell. Toadsworth collapsed, dropping his cane, and his pince nez cracked when his face smacked the checker tiled floor…
Thomas thought he heard mewling in the distance, but he couldn't be sure, lost in the maze-like layout of the castle until the painting of Wet-Dry World became a landmark. The diagram he'd memorized of the castle must have been very outdated as much was now renovated. Decisively he rounded another corner and found the fire ax in a glass casing. He smashed it with his callused fist without thought and bolted to help Toadsworth, he got it right that time, but the extra weight from the weapon made him barge uncontrollably through a star door, colliding with a servant.
The tray of clean plates and cups Buckenberry carried crashed everywhere. "What the?!- It's you again, you little... What are you doing with that, psycho!?"
"No! I wasn't gonna- There's a guy up there and-!"
"Shut up, kid." Buckenberry pinched Thomas's lips closed as some ringing became clear. "That's Mr. Toadsworth calling for something." The blue toad piled into the corner the broken china with his foot. "Gimme that, now march."
He forced Thomas down a long brick hallway to the front where they joined all of the other toads working today in the lobby, no one having a clue what was going on until Buckenberry in particular noticed a shadow blending in with the busy floor pattern. He tilted his head upwards and cries rippled through the crowd soon after. Their chancellor was suspended by his vest on the high glass chandelier, pale and limp like a doll discarded by a bored child. A line of blood ran from his bruised temple.
Zoo materialized above the sun pattern ornate rug in the center. He tossed aside Toadsworth's bell, marred by dry blood. "I don't do monologues and I got other appointments so uh, let's be quick. Someone here is a buddy of Bowser. C'mon. Which?"
"He's lost, confused, maybe on drugs," Chef Tim remarked snidely.
Zoo adjusted his cap. "Oh ho ho, am I? This Peach Castle, 64 Royal Lane, built 350 years ago, inherited by Princess Peach Toadstool from her dad eighteen years ago, along with chancellor Toadsworth and head castle director, Toad Toad. Current lower staff working today: assistant Toadette, steward Bucken-Berry, steward Ala-Gold, banker Zeror, tour guide Les, Chef Tim whose cooking sucks, gardener Joseph, PR/correspondent Kinopio-Kun-"
"-How did he do that? Someone call Mario!" Tim bellowed.
"How? By ringing this for him too?" For effect Zoo rang the bell from his reporter's bag. However, it wasn't Toadsworth's gold bell like he mistook it for, instead one of his own antiques, one dull and yellow and so worn it created only dull thud with each jostle.
Buckenberry shook himself out of that stupor and charged the distracted boo. He propelled Zoo backward into the wall, chipping the paint. His next punch struck the bricks as Zoo faded away and reappeared behind him. Zoo slapped his head against the wall, the toad feeling a chipped tooth in his mouth afterwards. Buckenberry spun around and caught Zoo's arm during the second round. Puzzled, Zoo went intangible, applying it to the blue toad as well by contact. They both fell through the wall and outside the castle.
A purple toad, Les, springy as usual overcame the shock from that scuffle the quickest. He picked up the ax and glanced at the area where they'd fallen through. Only faint wispy smoke marked the spot. "Well, they're probably in the drink. That freak was right about something. We aren't gonna sit pretty are we? We gotta go out there, 'aight?"
With some displeasure, as these two never got along much, Peach's busy public relations advisor, a lime green toad named Kinopio-Kun went to Les's podium and began to call for help anyway with the clunky rotary phone. While he worked on that, Les addressed the others.
"Don't mind that spoilsport. Tim, use your pan to beat his brains. Joe, your pruning shears will do. Everyone else improvise, including you new guy. This your first day? Name?"
Thomas discovered that hiding behind one of Peach's house plants didn't work. "Uh, my n-name is.."
"-And why do you sound Darklandian?"
Outside, Buckenberry peddled around in the lake. He was inches from the surface when he was hit by a debilitatingly painful sensation. At the shore Zoo blasted from his fingertips an invisible beam on him. The blue toad involuntarily gasped and sucked in water. He didn't have the energy to move anymore as his body sunk like a rock. That was when something with the speed of K64 running late tackled Zoo from his blind side. Both bodies rolled around on the lakeshore. Getting the leg up, this person delightfully slammed the dark boo down.
"Get my good side next time, brah." Alagold slapped the photo from before into Zoo's face as the others spilled outside and began to cross the yard, following the commotion. They were carrying whatever dangerous object they could, one even using a stone garden gnome.
"Annoying brats!" Zoo snarled. "Think you can defend that tacky old castle? How about now?"
The castle began to rumble from the foundation. Bricks cracked and pink roof tiles fell off as the windows warped and wobbled before shattering, their shards spraying into the air and raining down over the yard.
Alagold pulled Zoo aside. "Just quit trolling brah! You're wiped out. We've all rolled in."
Despite the earthquake the others circled around, shaken yet steadfast with their makeshift arms. Hyperventilating from the ordeal and his anger alike, Buckenberry emerged from the lake, coughing again and again. The water on his skin and clothing began to sizzle.
"Kill him!" he managed.
"Wait, no!" Alagold sputtered.
"..No?"
"No?" Zoo repeated, intrigued.
Alagold surprised himself with the knee jerk reaction, but was grateful for it. Mario, Peach, no one would order execution like this. Fully aware this was his fault, he didn't have to keep on making bad choices.
Buckenberry developed a devious look Alagold didn't like. "-Actually, yeah Gold's right. We need to give new kid a taste of what we're really about when it comes to freaks like this. Where did that pipsqueak run off to?-"
Hating that blue toad more by the second, Zoo rose his hand as Buckenberry was strolling away. Alagold gasped and leaped forward into the dark boo, inadvertently taking the hit from the biology tampering wave. The death ray sliced through Alagold's body, turning his molecules into mince meat. The yellow toad lifelessly slumped over immediately, blood flowing from his nose and mouth onto the sand.
The hysterics that ensued were great, Zoo was able to simply walk away unnoticed, mildly guilty he'd used his strength up on that guy instead of who deserved it. He found someone farther off, under the miniature stone bridge where a stream flowed.
Zoo smirked at the shivering toad. "Aww, I woulda spared you Thomas since you only freelance for Bowser, like me. Oh well. I'll tell Mayor Koton to leave a slot open for ya, maybe, if I go back. I dunno, I might live in Giant Land next. Got the accent down. Sayonara!"
From Royal Raceway outskirts Zoo snapped a headliner photo of the property. Using his dad's antiques always had weird effects, but this one took the cake. Fitting, since this involved Peach Castle.
…
Bowser sat around back on the couch, repeating the cycle of checking behind the blinds every thirty seconds. Mario texted him 'Toadley Clinic' but otherwise wasn't answering calls, which was quite common, the plumber having a way to rig his phone when it wasn't safe to talk to him. Bowser wished dumbphones did that, but used the most recent free upgrade on the family plan to gift Lemmy a modern one. Meh, Lem was the only of his kids toying with moving out soon, so he deserved it anyway..
A multicolored truck stamped 'MKDCU' pulled up. Thinking it was a funky looking ambulance, Bowser got ready, throwing a bed sheet over himself and rushing out the doors.
"Can I have an autograph?" gushed Sebastian in the driver's seat.
An older red shell parakoopa troopa in a straw hat, the passenger, slapped the younger man lightly. "Quit, this is s'pposed to be secret! Howdy, pard."
The back doors opened for Bowser. Dreading this all a sudden, he stuffed himself into what suspiciously looked like a cage regardless. The truck pulled off quickly, bumping him around. He could see into the middle and back rows of the car, which seated three other people.
"Hey King!"
Bowser detected some dejection in Emery's tone. "Hey, chick. But are ya alright?"
She shook her head. "I covered all my tracks and that old coot caught me. I still don't get it."
"He's half magikoopa I heard from Prof. Gadd. Freaking creep, haha," Sebastian added, tapping the wheel in beat to some Brittney Spearguy song blasting as they tore down a rural path.
"Dang… Sorry gal. Wait, I gotta change something. I need to go to some 'Toadley Clinic' place instead of the hospital." Bowser strained his eyes to see out the tiny slit shaped windows.
"Well Mr. Bowza, it's your day 'cause we only deliver to the Toadley Clinic per contract," said the monty mole, James. His hazmat suit from before was replaced with a formal white shirt and black slacks with a fedora.
His day? Not even close. Bowser shot him daggers for body checking him earlier, succeeding somehow, and then having the nerve to look snazzy later. "Whatever, thanks I guess," he mumbled begrudgingly.
The mega goomba agent unnecessarily decked out in armor, taking up the entire middle row of seating, twisted around, revealing his sour face and bushy goatee. "Is this a favor shorty, or are ya sick? We ain't villain affiliated!"
"I agree Richard," replied the wiggler agent matter of factly, a glasses wearing lanky guy in the back row sandwiched in between Emery and James.. "Bowser owes five-thousand coins for four units of mileage forward and back, plus two-hundred for each additional red light-"
"Two-hundred fifty per red light, Wiggletron, jeez," corrected James, busily clacking on a laptop. "We'll go broke cause of you!"
"What?" Bowser fussed. "Grrr.. I left my check book."
"Guys!" Emery piped up. "Please don't. Pleeeeeese. King Bowser has to get there. He's totally gonna save the day somehow."
James rolled his eyes. "Pffft. Fine. We'll waive the fee AGAIN.."
Parabilly switched 'WMUSH' to 'WYMSD?' a folk gospel station. Acoustic instruments blared in the truck. The only thing louder was Bowser's stomach. Something about the ride made his appetite return with a vengeance, maybe the others too as they hopped on the mushroom interstate and got off on Starman Lane.
"That place got NO vegan options for me," Richard griped as Club 64 appeared over the horizon.
Parabilly reduced the radio. "We're actually head'n to Club Gamecube over yonder, Dick. Brother Probabilly gave me a coupon that went bad Hcram, but they won't check I reckon if Wigg's can keep his trap shut this time!"
The wiggler however seemed as though he might compulsively tell the truth anyway, making them argue in the drive-thru. Bowser tolerated this only because it might save him from ravenously eating a spare tire back there.
"Bzzt. This just in, partners," the radio host said in a thick, near unintelligible drawl. "The total body count is twenty-five baddies wrangled for good by that there killer. All up north in big city Toad Town. If yer a baddie with a KT tattoo, stay cooped up somewhere safe, hear? We'll hollar at you for the Hootenanny hour in.."
"Wait wait wait… WHAT?" Bowser leaned up, bumping his head and embedding his sharp horns in roof. "Yow! What the heck is going on now!?"
…
A princess bum rushed the service desk. "We don't care about appointments! Where are they?"
"Over here, princess!" Yoshi scuttled beyond her into the lab with Toadette.
Moments later, Peach clung onto one of Dr. Toadley's spice racks for support. "There must be some mistake!"
"Is it? No it is not." Dr. Toadley ran some sort of calculation on his computers. "Did I suspect as such? Yes I did, so I have spoken with partners. Do I like them? No I do not, but they will assist us tomorrow to create a cure!"
After the frenzy settled, they gathered again in the waiting area. As Mario scanned their faces, his mental cue cards ineptly scattered in the wind so he made it simple. "It's not Bowser."
Eyebrows raising, Mary the intern retrieved some earphones and put them on.
Peach shot out of her seat hotly, hands on hips. "The Mushroom Flu is from Dark Land and it only affected my people today! Why must you insult my intelligence? If my enemy is just so innocent, he can tell me that to my face!"
"He can. That's why I told him to come."
The outside doors swung open. Bowser had dark bags under his eyes and an understated disposition, plus a headache, but it was him nonetheless. "I'm here, that's right. I was about to go crazy the way you left me, Mario. Don't you dare do that to me again or I'll pulverize ya!"
"Will you?" he replied dryly. "We didn't leave enough in the fridge?"
"Ha ha ha, NO! Because I only learned via hillbilly hits radio what's going on to my hookie playing minions. I told my kids to come here and take care of my mooks, what's left of them."
Mario's smile waned. "I wanted to tell you in person but, yeah I'm sorry. We had a lead on that we were going to follow after this meet up."
"Oh were you, plumber!?"
"I promise."
"O-oh." Bowser couldn't fathom why Mario was acting like that, then he blinked a few times, noticing it wasn't just him and his rival, but five others watching, three of them so closely they seemed to be suspended in animation. Some panic went through the Koopa King for a second, but then his jaw clenched. Another way he felt Mario had gotten over on him today.
"Erm.. Yeah, losers. I didn't make everyone sick and I dunno who did. BUT, listen up! It got worse cause Mario wouldn't let me do stuff MY way! That's right!" He whipped back to Mario, towering over him. "YOU don't know what's up Mr. Hero! Why else would you treat me like this and shove me away places, like your dingy house, making me have to call new friends of mine like my toad fangirl just to get from A to freaking B?"
Wavering, Peach's hands raced to cover her mouth. She noticed Yoshi, Toadette and the boo with them in a similar boat, and Luigi only mildly perturbed, but still. No evidence of a ruse. "Mario, what in star heaven is Bowser talking about? I declare this clinic my new sanctioned facility. I will tolerate no more secrecy!"
Mario scintillated. "Perfect, I'm ready to be transparent. Finally. I was warring with myself and without realizing it, it was making me do a piss-poor job all day. So, it's like this. I have honestly loved being your main hero sometimes, but I've utterly despised it at others. It's the truth and it's eaten me away from the inside. I cannot do it anymore. Don't look at me like that. Really, because I'm handing over this investigation to someone who has done more than enough to prove they are the right person for the job. My brother, Luigi…"
To be continued!
Completed (As 'No courage, nerves, or pronouns'): 6/2/19, 6/3, 6/4, 6/5, 6/7, 6/10, 6/13, 6/14, 6/27
Edited: 7/21, 7/30, 8/3, 8/4, 8/20, 8/29/19
6/17/20 (page breaks added)
Fixed. FOR. REAL: 5/22/21
Revise (total rewrite, renamed Transparent) 2/6/22, 2/19ish -2/22/22, 2/27/22, 3/2/22, 3/3/22, 3/4
