Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever (Redux)

I've Lost My Head (Chapter 8)

Disclaimer: Mario belongs to, yes me! No, just kidding.

Author's Note: Oh no. Not a spoiler in the title!

So, yet again what was an originally uncomplicated chapter became one of my most ambitious rewrites yet. It didn't help that I was discombobulated for around a month (unrelated to the title, I promise).

*updated* content warning: Bad/insensitive language towards the end


When Bowser's humongous feet slammed down, iron chairs rattled, plaster sprinkled from the ceiling, and the tinted outside windows fissured. Dr. Toadley kicked open his lab doors, smoke pillowing behind him from in-progress experiments. "Will you regret that? Yes you will!"

Bowser gave the toad glare that sent him scurrying away.

"Save that attitude. YOU conspired this!" Peach snapped.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

They ran up on each other like magnets, screaming accusations. Anticipated from Bowser, Peach's tempestuousness astounded onlookers, even more so when it seemed she was winning.

"Alright, that's it! I'm outta here!" Bowser stomped off, shoving aside whoever was in his way. Mario excused himself as well.

Luigi thought Peach looked like a heat lamp was aimed over her. "If there was a reason to be afraid of Bowser right now, I would tell you. Wasn't that rude?" Her reply and everyone else's was undecided. It felt as unnatural as shaving with his right hand to defend the Koopa King, but he had to shut this down. "My brother put me in the lead so everyone listen to this.. While waiting for all of you to show up earlier, I combed over everything. If we all do this right, by the end of today we will get to the bottom of the Mushroom Flu.."

Bowser leaned against the window pane at first, but it began to crack some more. He instead settled for standing around in the alley between the Toadley Clinic and a recreational center next door. He thought Mario was going to try to rope him back, but the plumber went somewhere else. Whatever! He'd stepped away with no shame because sneakiness ran in Peach's blood. Contrary to popular belief he was rarely alone with her even during kidnapping attempts. It's why he initially hired 'old hag' Kammy to attend to her. He just didn't count on Kamek eyeing her real good one day and-

Bleh, he plunged that out of his mind. So the mushroom freaks had the option to call him back and he could think about it, or he could leave forever. Either way, Bowser wins.

Yoshi busily crossed by, "You heard me. We are after a purported Bowser minion 'Zoo'…" He stopped with his back towards the alley. "-Honey, regardless of any peace pacts, the central purpose of the Koopa Troop is to disrupt the Mushroom Kingdom. Why, doctrinally, can't a Bowser Fre- 'Associate' attack us on their own volition? …There's no danger of me getting killed!… Hm, maybe a little, this is a Bowser thing.."

Bowser's left eye twitched. That shtick yet again..

"Yoshi, hold up. Who's your carrier?" Luigi asked from out of view.

"Just switched to IslandMobile. Why?"

"All of us YoshiMobile users are up the creek.." He'd checked their cellular signal bars. "Toadette, you have Peach's keys and this could throw a wrench into things before we've even started. Can you check their kiosk at the mall?"

The young servant clearly fought between learned obsequiousness and acknowledging starkly that her friends were in dire straits. "Me? Umm, yes, but the Princess-"

"Just be quick. Peach is too pouty to go anywhere, so what else would she do with her car?...Please?"

Bowser couldn't help but to step out from the alley in time to see the Birthday Girl Kart and a Mach Bike speeding off from parking meters. Talking about mean.. No worse, Mario deserted him! The next time he saw him, there would be violence…

Seconds later, "For me?" Bowser accepted a scrumptious smelling styrofoam container. "Mmm!" His hand was slapped as gripped the lid.

"Not yet."

Mario walked him back into the Toadley Clinic. Mary the intern flinched upon spotting Bowser back indoors. The toad woman cut off her conversation with the princess by slipping on earphones and covering her face with a Mushroom Inquirer magazine. Mario made sure to stuff the receipt from the Dave and Broozers next door deep into his pocket and away from the sapphire blue eyes of the princess spinning around. A jolt went through her at the way Bowser smirked at Mario's side.


The perpetual darkness and crepuscular creatures of Forever Forest, east of Toad Town, gave it a gutter level reputation to the masses. Luigi suspended his unease at first, Boo would know the safe paths and Yoshi an outdoorsman, however the dinosaur couldn't follow them down the trail leading in. Trees would block coverage and apparently his fiancé felt she was hung up on earlier. While he got an earful, Luigi remained with Boo for a few more moments at the first junction.

"-I can't remember how, I just know my cousin's not normal."

Luigi slipped a hand around them. "We'll be careful. I'll be honest," he continued shakily. "This is about to be the most terrifying thing I've ever done. More than rescuing my brother from King Boo. More than the first time I even went adventuring in this world. If I brought you and things went wrong-"

"Luigi!" Nothing they could say changed the green plumber's mind.

Sniffing their nose, Boo unlocked their small cabin. It was isolated in a clearance and covered in vine. They bypassed the sparse pantry, untouched since their mom helped them move in years ago, and marched straight to a den-like back room filled to the brim with miscellaneous objects. Just like the stereotype, Boo was well aware they were overly sentimental, for them specifically manifesting in a bad near kepto-like habit. They thought to tidy up for once and clear their mind.

A dusty family album was beneath one pile, probably swiped from a relative that swiped it from another and so on.. A few pages in were photos modern and unweathered, a decade old at most. It showed a huge outdoor arena, and then a dark boo in a top hat too large for his head training in a red tent. With no whip or chairs he 'tamed', or reduced to a stupifed expression a herd of wild red chomps, dino rhinos, and rexes by pointing at them only. The youngster smiled at the camera gleefully, ostensibly like a parent was snapping that photo. Flipping it over revealed a handwritten message more curious than Boo imagined.

'Dear Drew, I know you are more distant now, and have left the art galleries to pursue that doctorate degree, but please if you have the chance, check up on your older brother more. He is wayward as we're all accustomed to, only now your mother and I cannot keep up with him due to my health. He will listen to you. Remind him of older times with this. -Love, Lou'

Boo ripped it out and bolted for the city.


The blue shelled noki detective, now as of this afternoon the temporary intern of a hospital bound quasi celebrity, divined his troubles by refusing first class amenities on the jet ride to the Mushroom Kingdom. In his haste everything felt like the first time.

"Bond, no way that 'ol Mitch sent ya out the doors empty handed." Klyie unsubtly kept a bulging portfolio on her person as they drove along.

"Joyeux anniversaire!" Jelectro tossed a thin floppy folder to her.

She flipped it open in her lap, scanning the yellowed stapled pages in a New Donk minute. "His case study on a particular type of artifact. What, does this connect to MF somehow? I'll go on. We'd stumbled into an auction and Tutankoopa's jewel was up, but we couldn't let anyone win it or touch it because.."

Jelectro divided his attention between her rambling and squinting at street signs. Unable to utilize the car's hi-tech guidance systems in front of his guest, he didn't know where he was. Toad Town developments sprung up overnight. That, and he didn't typically drive..

"..If a star blessed, or cursed, an object at some point it becomes 'special.' It gets crazier, fella. It captures the essence, like it's alive..." The koopa reporter closed the report, taking note of where they were. "Aww raspberries, I let cha drive in circles! Royal Raceway is thataway." She jabbed a finger to her far right. "C'mon now, we have big news for em!"

Jelectro smiled to shroud irritation, mostly at himself.

"-But I could definitely see you and 'Hot Foot' working out."

A wave of nausea slapped the noki, making the car warble in the lane.

"My bad! I figured your type liked trendy stores like Hot Foot Locker. Heh.. Nevermind.."

Lilies lined the sides of the ramp to Peach Castle grounds. Whenever Kylie strolled by on errands she would think about how a third party had to be maintaining and keeping them unnaturally perfect and vibrant pink. Today many drooped at the stalks. As they drove closer, entire groups were withered and brown, creating a motley dilapidated sight. Scarliege, she felt. They were grown like that to commemorate Peach taking the throne from her father.


~The sepia view, riddled with scratches and distortion, panned around rows of corpses lined up in a barren field, only a wiry mushroom spotted about divulging its location as the Mushroom Kingdom. The carefully preserved WW63 stock footage showcased scenes of the Mushroom World's last global war, spearheaded by tensions between King Morton Koopa Sr. of Dark Land and King [redacted] of the Mushroom Kingdom. As history went, the stars were favorable to the human king and K. Morton was cornered in Water Land and diced to pieces by allied forces.

A hand made a firm grip on Bowser's forearm. What his 'friend' got for nagging about watching those old reels in the attic. With that out of the way their spirits were jolly once more, for they'd carefully planned to travel far to the Waffle Kingdom and back before dark, not to fight or even be competitive in some sport, rather to merely associate for once. One location had a syrup river and hills of pancake. That's where they laid back side by side on the high calorie soil, watching the pink cotton candy clouds drift about. Like usual, something mundane they discussed escalated into debate. Bowser thought he was dominating until he was rolling uncontrollably down hill, playfully shoved. He splashed in a soda lake at the bottom. Cherry cola.~

Rudely awoken, Bowser rose up from the cot and swung at Dr. Toadley, missing by a hair. "I'M NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN! You're gonna have to deal with whatever I can scrape up about this. OKAY?"

The doctor grumbled, lowering the invention, a zapper with a dish on the end with a swirl pattern etched on it. "I perceive the issue! Did I have the switch flipped to 'happy place' and not 'sad place'? Yes I did."

Bowser irritably slung his feet out of the bed. In the lab space he took up the sixth spot next to the others, including Toad and Daisy who were more stable yet still unconscious. "Instead of WAY in the past I was sent to 'kinda' in the past when I happened to be watching something on TV about the WAY past. Pretty stupid. When is Peach's turn?"

"When she's back. Sure you didn't see anything that might help?" Mario asked. "You kept mumbling some.. stuff."

Blushing, "You were watching me sleep?"

"For science."

They couldn't help but to laugh together until the loud squeak of a cart the intern was pushing around became unbearable. She unsubtly bustled so she could complete her duties and get away from Bowser, Mario suspected. So, he removed his hat and swapped it for a worn in black leather jacket with assorted patches hanging on a coat rack. He slipped it on, just a half size too large. Machine oil and beer struck his nose.

"Oh! Sir?" The intern fumbled with the vials on the rack. "That's mine. I mean-"

"-Yeah, your boyfriend or someone. I'm just borrowing it for a sec. Peach is still in Dave and Broozers and I doubt it's because she's having a ball. I need to be less recognizable." He heard Bowser groaning already. So clingy, he thought with alacrity. "Stick here, but since you gave this a fair shot and you were dreaming about food, you can open that box I gave you," he said on the way out.

Inside was a slice of yellow cake with white frosting, red and blue candies adorning the top. A couple's cake.


Jelectro slammed the brakes, spinning the car ninety degrees where Royal Raceway terminated. Peach's Castle was no longer there, only a deep crater with pipes gushing water. All the vegetation, the grass, trees, garden in the back, were dead.

"Help!" Chef Tim saw the car first, apron stained red. A lime-green toad in the lawn whimpered while holding one of his legs, clothes sparkling from broken glass. He kept complaining it was broken, and that he'd never get to travel with Peach and pretend to be a rich socialite again. A golden yellow toad was sprawled across the lake shore, darkened by his blood. A mature purple toad worked busily to resuscitate him.

Kylie Koopa stumbled out of the car, agape.

"-One of our stewards ran for help because phones are dead," Zeror explained.

"Start at the beginning for crying out loud! What's the straight dope?"

Les slowly stood up from Alagold. "It happened in a blink. A so called reporter came by, a boo-"

Kylie trembled. "No," she whispered.

"-And tried to start a witch hunt for Darklandians. Now our latest toad is missing, along with the castle, and Old Toadsworth. Got your story?"

"Where's the princess?...With Mario? We'll find them and get you help. Hold on-" Kylie retreated to the car, appalled that the noki was glued in his seat. When she sat down she began to worry. He was pale and in a cold sweat, grimacing.

"Bond, what's happening?"

"Mitch.."


The Doomship vibrated and exuded noxious black smoke in places not thought possible the longer it flew, a harsh reminder to Ludwig Von Koopa that he hadn't personally taken the menacing beast, the oldest flying machine in Bowser's fleet, on a proper expedition in years. Newer aircraft were at his disposal, but this one had a history central to his objective, enough to make him overlook the lack of doppler radar, yaw dampeners, and cup holders. Scratch the doppler part. Because of that, they'd hit a hurricane over Water Land, forcing most of them below deck…

Larry's wooden bench squeaked as he stood up on it to peek over his older brother's phone. The MP3 player that was driving his red BATES by Dr. Greg headphones at full blast had died moments ago.

Iggy quickly flipped it screen down. "Oh, Larry-chan, haha just texting Sam and Slam. They're luh-olded they keep bragging online. Err, think they misplaced a decimal though on their paycheck. Puzzling when they are the top math wizards in college. "

Boring. Everyone breathed on each other among a concoction of gunpowder, soot, and toejam. No electricity or charging ports, just wooden splinter filled seating. Larry checked out a foggy porthole window, unable to see much. Wendy detached from the 'cool' bunch, Roy, her, and Morton, the latter if just for a prop, to seek out Iggy. They were discussing some game until Lemmy joined them. On the trip until now, Larry only saw his face in a training manual.

"Excuse me sis. Sup, Iggy! How much did you pay them?" Lemmy cringed at Iggy's answer, more so upon getting a technical explanation involving extra drag from the weight they took on. "Leeet's not tell Luddy about that."

Pretending to be occupied, Larry snickered. 'Yeah, squirm goody two-shoes!' Sam and Slam didn't work for their dad, but the mischief they sparked at times rivaled any koopaling. Once at a party they triple dared Lemmy to kiss a girl. The chain-chompette was flattered and a good sport about the spectacle, but it was so awkward it wasn't even funny and she was definitely pregnant because of that. Psyche! (In the spirit of Lem.)

The doors above opened, letting wind roll in. A drenched Ludwig stood at the top of stairs. "We have arrived-"

They trampled him completely in the chaotic rush for fresh air. Flattened, Ludwig checked his watch. Only an hour or two later than the estimated arrival.

Iggy bent all the way over the railing, virtual-reality goggles strapped to his face to enhance the signature green hills of the Mushroom Kingdom jutting upwards. First the outskirts, Goomba Village, Flower Fields, then the dense capital city. Kamek cruised them cautiously high. After the threat of suffocation subsided, everyone found their vices once more on the breezy slippery deck. Roy never hung up with the new name compared to two days ago. Morton and Wendy clung around him in mutual interest of who girl #282,938 was, etc..

"-Umm. Luddy, could you show me that concert hall?"

He dusted himself off and stepped over. "The Royal Toadstool Opera? Direct your attention there.."

The younger brother beamed upon locating its golden dome. He got to see it for a moment before clouds rolled in.

"..And why do you ask, General Lemmy? Only I am aware due to being an acquaintance of an acquaintance who is a tenor in composer Bise's acapella brigade. Astronomically exclusive, unless of course YOU are invited to perform in it. Then you are bestowed indisputable permission to occupy that beautiful, glorious- tell no one I complement it so- theater."

With everyone busy and the town hidden, Larry snuck over to their snoring driver. He knew how to time Kamek's power naps.

"- Interesting," Lemmy giggled forcibly. "...What if someone with a high position in Dark Land was invited and wanted to perform, but not disassociate themselves from the Troop or anything?"

Checking over his shoulders, Larry rolled the wheel subtly enough to hide the banked turn.

"-That poor soul must never again grace our homeland with their presence again! To partake at the table of the princess for any reason is a renegade maneuver. Must I explain their pedagogy?!" Ludwig ranted. "They are unable to eschew their speciest trite about non-mushroom people."

"I know I know.. Psyche! Ha ha.."

Larry matched with the longitude his app told him too. Thank Boogle Maps. It cheered him up better than finding a wallet on the ground full of cash. On their new course they'd head north, rise in altitude, and beach catastrophically on Star Hill, ending their trip. He climbed into a lookout post to bide time. He wondered what his online friends were doing in town. How they may react if they knew he was above their city about to -almost- invade?

...

Bang! They violently came to a stop, ejecting Larry into the air. When he came to, he was back on deck with a headache. Everything not nailed down was knocked overboard and their sails were shredded. Even more bizarre, he was starting at Peach Castle, suspended in the air with them. The windows were shattered, the paint chipped, and the hollow darkened structure was plucked from the ground imperfectly, creating an eerie left tilt on the impenetrable floating platform they'd crashed into.

Behind him lots were being drawn.

"Come back here, please. Is it not enough that you allowed us to get blown off course?" Ludwig fussed at the geriatric magikoopa shuffling around, covered in small bandages like the others.

Kamek muttered something about being innocent, continuing to circle the deck except for the bow that caved in from the impact. The results were in. Morton was chosen. He eagerly accepted and hurled himself overboard without looking down, smacking flat against a low point of elevation. 'I'm okay' he yelled back. Roy and Wendy immediately decided they were accompanying him. It was too frosty out here for their blood and they wanted either action or to snatch a goodie or two. That left Iggy with a broken and loose but fully armed and operational VR headset on his face.

"Since 28.57 percent of us have deviated, how much would it upset you if it rose to 33.333? I'm tempted to go in and use my x-ray feature to scan the castle's interior and find those rumored sealed copies of SM64."

Ludwig waved him off with a groan.

Larry fought his vertigo to stand up. What a sick joke. That was his best con he felt. What was left? He wracked his brain. Ludwig owned theology books that he'd skimmed through for a pop quiz. One thing Larry remembered was that star heaven had disturbing parallels to his high school. Maybe they'd dip their divine toes in this mess.

'Yo, stars above. Confuse the speech of my enemies!' He opened his eyes and saw a fight.

"General Lemmy, I concern myself not with those unaccounted for delinquents! Do not covertly whisper such to me again. After I destroy the Mushroom Kingdom they will effectively be back home anyway. It is obvious that the two we actually sent here, Sam and Slam, accomplished their mission. Last I checked the hospitals are full."

"But we've screwed up so much King Dad's not gonna care about how 'brilliant' your plan was!"

"He will when I have the princess!"

"What princess? Look!"

Wendy was in the front, she'd even taken her shoes off in the mad dash. Roy, Morton, and Iggy were behind her and Roy had a body tucked under his arm. Wendy took the ladder while her brothers ascended the hull with their bare claws, beating her pace. Morton flopped down like a dead cheep cheep on the deck, under the snapped and torn rigging. A weird gait was normal from Iggy, not exactly the king, prince, duke, or earl, of good posture. Now however he slithered low to the ground and hid below deck. Roy was over exerted but sound it seemed until it was discovered he was mute. The extra person toted along was a beaten black and blue Chancellor Toadsworth.

"Ahhhh! What happened?" Lemmy lost balance with his ball.

Wendy made it onboard. "I don't know! OMGOMGOMG-"

"Sister mine, English!" Ludwig begged.

"I only got as far as the first big room. It's ruined and everything is hazy inside. So crazy. Part of upstairs collapsed too. I was gonna go deeper with them, but there was this weird rumble thing I kept hearing. I thought maybe not, but y'all know I don't just bail on folks.."

Flustered, Ludwig nodded. "General Lemmy, Wendy, even Kamek, secure everyone below deck. Larry, bypass Iggy's password and try to use that application he has to trace the location of Vater's last communication. I will distance us until I adjudicate this turn of events." Working in some sort of automatic mode, he spun their airship into a deep starboard turn. Debris broke off from their superstructure as he pushed the ship to full power in a spontaneous direction.

Larry didn't know to be afraid or giddy as he traced the location of their father. Everything moved turbo fast then. He wished he remembered to be... careful of what he wished for!


Toadette had a problem. She'd gotten sidetracked, took too long, and now things were getting damp and she couldn't get Peach's top on- her convertible. She would press the electric switch and nothing would happen aside from a faint mechanical buzz. Why did she let Mr. Luigi talk her into this? In the mild precipitation, she barely caught the royal blue spots and vest of her boyfriend dragging his feet on the side of the street.

She swerved over. "Blue! Oh my goodness, this is random but great. I've come up with an alibi. Get in."

He perked up somewhat, making the suspension creak when he got in the waterlogged kart. Though he disguised it under his ordinary steely mask, she could tell he'd shed tears very recently.

"Where's Mario and Peach? I gotta see them now! I told the police."

Frowning, she pulled off. "I'm missing something?"

He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. "Thank Eldstar you're safe, but some crazy guy working with Snifit Patrol infiltrated the castle, attacked us, and…! But the worst part is.." His words got caught in his throat. Part of it was a defensive mechanism he knew, for he'd be shambles if he recounted it all then. In a sudden fit he slugged the side view mirror. The enclosure snapped and dangled by a wire.

"Whoops."

She tensed in an uncomfortable but familiar way. "..I'll take the fall for that if you get the hood on with minimum destruction."

Buckenberry broke only one cheap plastic tab pulling it over them manually, freeing them from the rain. She knew she'd made a bad deal.


"Hi there. Is this a fun place?" A man with a shy soft voice seated himself on the stool next to a blonde woman in a white doctor's coat.

Peach crossed leg over the other, training her eyes across the bar where there was a dark laser tag room. While there weren't many kids playing arcade games, skeeball, ice-hockey, and other activities today, she remained hesitant to explore or remove the half baked disguise. "It seems wholesome, but I hazard I'd never known it existed if not for strange circumstances today."

He refused a beverage from the bartender. "-Like what, doll?"

She stirred her hot tea. "You would think I'm hysterical! So much has changed about this city," she continued playfully. Leaning on one elbow she faced him. "You know, I used to-"

"-What? Not run away from Mario?" Mairo asked.

In that less signature state he possessed more of a glow if anything, the jacket, hair, short stubble, but it all came together and created a picture she was seeing only now. "-I told you my contributions about that tragedy won't get us a fraction closer to the cure. Leave me be." She returned to her tea.

So cold.. His gaze bore into her, drumming his fingers on the counter. "It's Bowser."

The bartender slowly backpedaled away.

"Bowser isn't the problem! Processing this takes time you can't seem to afford me, or anyone else."

"I'm not exactly setting the pace here. Besides, that's how I am."

"And it's not endearing anymore."

That slapped him in the face. He rose from his seat and took a step away, muttering before he could stop himself, "It's not endearing that I'm no longer running around fighting anymore. That's it, ain't it?"

He could tell by her sharp intake of air that she was ticked. Their unofficial relationship was officially over. He was ready to respect her determination to be as little help as possible. Bowser's account of the first outbreak revealed at least one thing they could follow up on.

Two adult toads burst inside. Buckenberry and Toadette dodged the ticket booth, knocking down the velvet ropes. They ran past Mario, not recognizing him. They tugged Peach into the private party rooms. He almost walked away until a cry of grief startled and drew him outside the room. Listening, Peach sobbed something about getting her father involved and then about the castle. So now the emotions of this Mushroom Flu were catching up to her, Mario thought.

Rationalizing he got the gist of that, he had an obvious idea. Her castle had a landline phone and he could simply interview Toadsworth instead.

Mario crept into the Dave and Broozers back office when no staff were looking. He closed the door, inadvertently locking himself in a tiny room. He'd deal with that later. He picked up the grungy beige wall phone. While it rang he noticed the old newspaper clips taped to the wall and some stale french fries and pizza on the counter.

"HELLO?"

It sounded as if thunder could speak. "I-is this Peach Castle?"

"YES, IT IS."

A particle-like appendage jetted out from the speaker and coiled tight around his neck. The creature lifted the plumber in the air and slammed him against the water dispenser, toppling the stacks of paper cups. It swept him across the counter, knocking off the food and microwave. The more he fought, the more he felt energy drain. Someone kicked the door in and together they tore the thing off. With a threatening roar it phased away with no trace. Mario would have passed out, blue faced, if his rescuer didn't support him.

"Well, say somethin'!"

The black spots in his vision faded. "Bowser, oh God. You must of followed me and- Something at her castle attacked over the line and-!" He laughed weakly at how he sounded. "You had my back. Thank you." He closed the distance, nestling his face against Bowser's collarbone.

The warmth of a human Bowser had become accustomed to, but the brush of that mustache against his thick scale plates in that particular way was new, exciting. With a small gasp he pushed back. "S-stop. We can't."

"Sorry."

Bowser fidgeted. "Nah. I don't know why I said that.." He pulled Mario closer again, smothering him almost.

"Peach broke up with me," he droned, lulled by their embrace.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Mario accepted that didn't want to return to the countless adversities waiting outside.

"Well, I just heard her castle broke up with..The earth."

Darn it.


A little boo belched and swayed as they emerged from Club Gamecube, Club 64's competitor. It was the happy hour, and Boo took advantage of a half price Morel Moxie to not faint from exhaustion running ragged around Toad Town. Too worried to think straight, they'd had an additional sip of another beverage at steep discount, a Chuckola cola, the Japanese version. That was quite stupid they understood once the stomache began to rumble. Trying to keep right side up on the street, they thought they hallucinated a low Bowser Doomship, an ugly spot in the sky, diving beneath a cloud. They rubbed their reddened eyes and it was still there, going north.

Bowser forces were attacking!

Boo followed the trail into a more rural part of town. Few buildings and no high rises, just mushroom fields. Blind sided, they walked into a metal road sign, 'Watch for crossing Ostros.' Dealing with that throbbing on their forehead, they anguished. Why did they botch everything? Why couldn't they follow instructions?

Why couldn't they avoid getting ran over by a truck?

HONK. A colorful medical van swerved around the body on the dirt path. It braked and went into reverse, parking beside Boo. The paratroopa passenger's window rolled down. "Partner, now you KNOW that's not the place to hit the sack!"

" Let's goooooo," whined the ansty toad girl in the back. "I gotta tell my King something and we can't miss him!"

"Yeah. It's just a drunk, shorty," Richard added.

Offended and more sober, Boo impetuously distanced themselves from the MKDCU and returned to town. Glancing at Zoo's photo ever so often, the main reason they'd ventured out renewed in their mind. This was why the phone thing sucked so much. Their cousin had a weakness and only they knew it. They had to get to the park.


"We'll handle it. Have a good day." Luigi eased the snufit towards his silver patrol car, illegally parked in a flower bed.

"Alrighty!" Snifit Patrol sang, idly buzzing his lethally dangerous taser in the air. "By the way I have been warned about Zoo and his crimes and his property damage. A shuttle will get the toads but if you don't tell me otherwise I will have them escorted to that seedy Hotel Mario place because that's cheapest." He realized he'd talked to himself and shrugged.

When Luigi made it back to the picnic area of Toad Town park, he knew something wasn't right. "Don't look like that. Our target isn't working by the same old rules we're used to."

Yoshi sat on a tree stump agitatedly. "It's the mingle advert you made with my phone. Typing it in Darklandian? Including some kind of 'emojis' you said represent Bowser affiliation? I'm lost. "

Luigi rolled his eyes, then waved to the four others with him at the table. "Flare, Gloomba, and Chuck weren't. Yoshi, please scout for us again. It's important."

The Toad Town park was a donut shaped plot of green fields, the center tightly packed shade trees overgrowing the garden that was once there. Yoshi absently patrolled the weathered brickwork of the walking paths and around the statues of old Mushroomy patriarchs erected here and there. No pedestrians were encountered unless he tread to the street's edge. Since the meeting at the Toadley Clinic, he kept waiting in vain for Luigi to reveal the extent of his plan. Being given simple orders, like he was just some toad and not someone with more experience arguably than Mario, embittered him in a way he couldn't hide anymore.

A sports car skidded to a stop at the Mushroom Press a block down. A short noki and a koopa girl argued before he left her behind. As he sped away off, the girl recklessly hopped into the truck.

Yoshi ventured inside a quiet office building, the Press. Cold air condition blast hit him right away. Birdo worked in a place like this before becoming an influencer, so he knew the layout. This was ground zero for their target. If Luigi didn't want him to wander off and educate himself, be straight with him!

"I'll try."

"Oh, I didn't notice... Yes it's Yoshi, sorry to intrude. A reporter here is one of my suspects you may say. Am I allowed to browse?"

The guy Yoshi stumbled upon in the cubical nodded slowly, his youthful beady black eyes narrowing suspiciously behind tortoiseshell horn rimmed prescription lenses. He seemed like the archetypical yuppie with a dry impersonal tone. His desk was tidy and a touch bougie with the fake gold plated office décor, including a framed abstract painting. Work related, this person had posted detailed lists. Due to the jumbo font they were deliberately printed and the fact that his computer displayed the local message boards, Yoshi sleuthed he'd been following current events.

"Thank you. Since you are here, do you have any details on Susie, aka Zoo Diddley?"

One of the man's thick black eyebrows arched in amusement. "This is his space."

Beaming, the dino swept the area again. Yoshi anticipated squalor, but apparently not. "Wonderful. What were you doing here?"

"Are you stupid bro?" The boo removed his glasses.

Like a veil lifted, Yoshi registered he was face to face with Zoo, at his throat in an instant.

"Shhhh! No screaming in the office." Zoo shoved Yoshi through the wall, phasing them both outdoors, the dinosaur specifically stunned on his butt. "I HATE THAT FREAKING LUIGI!

Yoshi climbed to his feet, flabbergasted. Zoo hiding in plain sight? How could he be so naïve? He sprinted as fast he could through the park. The grass sprouted ten feet tall, making him scale over. The statutes animated and chased him, firing off musket rounds that hummed past his ear. The trees stretched their limbs to entrap him. A sand castle in the lot rose to scale, becoming a labyrinth.

Luigi rushed to where Yoshi collapsed, yards away from the tables. "Yoshi? What happened?"

Zoo appeared beside him with a whoosh. Luigi jumped back and the baddies at the picnic table recoiled. "Me. If you didn't cut me slack with the bike I swear I'd.. So why are you luring me here?"

Luigi hesitated for a second. "W-what's the password?"

Zoo held a blank expression.

"You found the ad but you can't read Darklandian. You fooled me at first but you were born a Mushroomite." As the dark boo flushed, he knew his theories were hitting the mark. "Regardless, you must be some militant Bowser associate involved in the virus plot. You were at the game with the sodas. You've been around the hospital. You've been where every dead soldier was. We aren't dumb here. However, I didn't lure you for a beat down-"

Yoshi perked up but was still unable to rouse fully. Zoo's phantasms induced fatigue that was very real.

Luigi continued valiantly, "It doesn't seem you're invested in it anymore. You can't be the leader in whatever wretched plot it was and some of your moves to me seem like clean up. Tell me, who's really behind it?"

Zoo composed himself. "I give ya a B+ on that assessment," he laughed cryptically. He leered at the baddies, making them screech and scatter chaotically. "See Weegie, the press job wasn't even to watch that boring game. I just want connections for venues. You know, places to put on a show. That's what I really do. So my answer is no, I can't tell you about anyone else involved, even with the copious amount of offers you were gonna give me. I know, you're disappointed and now you're split on what to do. Hmm, how about I show ya a semi relevant trick I've been working on?-"

There was a piercing sensation across Luigi midsection, like a cleaver chopped him. His vantage rose upwards by a couple of inches, but his boots were still planted on the ground. Looking down, his face twisted in agony. Like a medical diagram, he saw into the lower half of his lungs where his body was abruptly severed, into his stomach, liver, and upper large intestine, pockets of bile in exposed sections. He didn't bleed, like the force splitting and suspending him holding it back, but he could still feel every bit of his skin and organs ripped apart.

He was losing his body, but if he could speak he'd be saying I've lost my head.

Yoshi jolted upwards in hysteria that only lessened when he noticed eye movements from the still alive green plumber, trained to something. The dino twisted around. He couldn't believe who it was.

Meanwhile, Zoo caught slow sluggish Chuck right away, wedged in place after trying to hide in a tube slide. The dark boo detected however that when the spike was done with that nervous breakdown, he was going to live with his mom in Ice Land and never talk about this again. Those others were the problem then.

Flare and Glomba tore across the field, almost out of the park. Flare was an older koopa, getting left behind constantly despite his protests. They came upon a portapotty and Gloomba dove in first, shutting out Flare.

He banged the plastic panel. "Soldier, you will let me in!"

"Tough!"

Zoo benignly walked up behind Flare and snapped the lock. "GET OUT!"

"Hey buddy!" Gloomba, younger stubbly faced foot soldier, stumbled into the open. "I'm on your side, for real.. That guy stinks. Kill him instead!" Flare gave him a poignant look.

Zoo clicked his tongue. "Don't tell me what to do."

Gloomba wailed, his dark grey flesh glistening and expelling from pores a moisture. It intensified, pouring out of him as the invisible force crushed him. The shriveled corpse flopped into the grass.

The fire brother stopped squeezing his eyes shut. He was still alive, but with that sadistic look on Zoo's face, he knew the mercy was fleeting. He calmly remained there, no resistance.

"If this is my punishment, so be it. I came to support King Bowser's tennis game and not to desert or quit. I've always loved the sport."

"Hmm." Zoo chuckled dryly, revealing a green Bowser racket. "Prove it. Give me your best serve."

"I volunteer for him. Swap," someone said, voice somewhat clogged and gritty. They had a huge purple knot on their forehead and faintly reeked of a bar, but they were simultaneously alert and shifty eyed.

Zoo whipped around. "Cuz?" He saw what was slid into his hands in exchange. A photo of his first performance on tour with his immediate family, taken in Donut Plains. "Where did you find this?"

"Doesn't matter. Unfortunately for you, I remember everything. I. Remember. Everything." Booigi the Second rose the racket into the sky. "By the power of Eldstar, this will be the last day you bully me."

Lightning flashed above. Yoshi was heading over when he dove under the jungle gym. Upon finding that it was nothing, he intended to spring back out, yet he was paralyzed by something.

"Aww, nice light show. Showing off for your plumber crush back there?" Zoo cooed, making kissy faces. "When I wanna impress a guy it goes more like-" He fired his death ray against his older cousin to no effect, short of angering Booigi more. He remembered sheepishly he could only mutilate living things.. In all fairness, guys were rarely impressed either, instead sent packing like Zoo wanted to do when a green blur headed his way.

He got his teeth bashed in by the racket, shooting him back until a concrete base stopped him. The bust of Princess Mush IV, frequently defaced for being a terrible ruler, shattered from impact. Dazed, he felt lighter too. No wait. In horror, the impact dislodged his father's bell from his pockets and it lay in the grass between him and his cousin, racing at him.

"No!" Zoo scrambled to hover protectively over it.. "Back off! My old apartment burned! That's the last thing I still have from dad and I-"

Booigi teleported behind him and snatched it. "I'm gonna bat it outta here!"

Zoo chased them around the field. Even tipsy, Boo was faster and more experienced in teleportation Zoo learned infuriatingly. It didn't help that Zoo had left behind his eyewear at the office. He's gotten dozens of scrapes and cuts from bumping solid objects around the park. Finally his cousin held the bell precariously over a fountain.

Zoo abruptly froze. "Listen cuz. I'll leave if I can keep that. It'll be like a body under the bridge. I mean water, haha."

Booigi lowered the noise maker. "Tell me everything."

"I clean up Bowser's Castle on weekends. That's all. I'd planned the journalist gig for months so I was already in town when baddies came here for some reason. At the stadium I was r worded enough to pass around sodas from Iggy's nerd posse. When people started tripping from it, I made a deal with the Doctor Professor dude so he'd tell nobody about the soda part. Then.. everybody started looking into this crap. It spun outta control. When I found out Bowser was sticking in town, I was like screw it, I had to get rid of these other folks before one of them told him. Okay? That's it.. -"

With a sly grin, Booigi shook their head. "Not quite. I didn't show you my swing."

The dark boo's jaw dropped when Booigi tossed the bell into the air and sliced it with the racket, seeing it up up and away, into the sky and out of view. Like a mad man, Zoo bolted after it, out of the park.

Back at the picnic tables Luigi fell to the ground whole. Numbly he kept patting where the cut was. He preyed it was an illusion until he checked under his shirt and found an ugly scar ellipsing his midsection.

Ashamed at his performance, Yoshi dragged himself away from his shelter. A mild earthquake lasted for a second, originating from something a great distance away. Then silence.

Then not because YoshiMoble, proudly Toad Towns largest wireless provider, began to work again.


Lemmy dropped down a ladder at the location Iggy's cell directed, Mario's house. Wendy personally went down to break in. Empty. On the way out a toad neighbor, an overweight dude in a robe with coffee, spotted her. The seventeen year old in a panic vaporized him with Iggy's laser gun from an anime. Once the smoke cleared, all that was left of him were his slippers.

The koopaling teen raced to cover her mouth. She'd seen the commercials. They claimed it only had 'play' laser action! Before they left, a van stopped under their airship. Some toad girl was kicked out and waved desperately for them.

"What do you want? Also you totally didn't see us here or anything!" Lemmy called down.

"I'm tight with King. I've made up my mind and I will join you. A toad is your best weapon. Trust me!" she yelled upwards.

Lemmy tried to consult Ludwig, but he disallowed his concentration to be broken, going on about 'phenomena unexplainable by accepted scientific principles, leaving only the 'unaccepted' ones'.. Wendy and Lemmy glanced at each other and allowed her on.

Emery T. squeed on her first airship, disregarding its deplorable condition. She told them Bowser must still be at the Toadley Clinic then. Duh. Why didn't they call? They were too afraid Lemmy in particular explained. Larry cooperated with whatever little task, like handing the ropes, but was otherwise elsewhere in mindset until he saw a shooting star seem to emerge from the center of the town and blast out of the city, soon just a distant twinkle.


Eldstar would be late for the first time in eons. He put aside all reservations and forced himself off his throne. He'd leave a note. Now where was the pen? His grey mustache kept twitching as he searched high and low, clearing dust bunnies. Those 'others' had found a way to mess with him, but who and where? All he knew, his power was being tapped.

With great detail and conviction, all of Mushroomy background could explain that he primarily worked to keep the world in balance by imparting his power. There is a caveat. There is perpetual struggle within the celestial barriers. The reason why stars fall, or even die. This remains shrouded from other realms for their protection, to not even expose them to that of which only leads to destruction. Eldstar detested such conflict, but as the epitome of fairness those unsightly realities had their place on the board, the image incomplete without the unquestionable presence of all stars of all dispositions.

Did that make any sense?

He wasn't sure anymore.

At last, a golden pen was located. Sandwiched in the cushions.*sighs* The ancient star's arm etches something on its own, scrawled spidery on the tablet.

'I beseech you dare to leave, my dear fellow. -Z.A.S'


...To be continued!

Author note: I have a self imposed word count limit and I hate where I had to cut this, because now we're misaligned with the structure of the 2019 Redux. Please stick with me. It's salvageable because the chapter after this was originally lighter and I should have no issues restructuring to make up.

Music references are overdone, but I must admit the rewrite's title is named after a Gentle Giant song. Very fitting.

Created: (As "Bowser Wins") 6/3/19, 6/6, 6/8, 6/9, 6/10, 6/12, 6/14, 6/16, 7/4, 7/7, 7/29, 7/30, 8/3, 8/4, 8/29, 8/30, 9/4

(Rename, total and utter rewrite) 3/6/22, 3/12, 3/17, 3/20/22, 3/23, 3/28/22 - 4/1, 4/2, 4/4/22- 4/7