Mario and Bowser: Frenemies Forever (Redux)

Opaque (Chapter 22)

Disclaimer: Mario and co. belongs to Nintendo.

Author note: Welp, this Transparent v.2 episode blew up. It was unexpectedly refreshing (before this started to take forever) to scale back from some of the more ludicrous things we've been enduring for a few chapters straight.


She'd committed to hiding, now she might as well seek or try to, backing off from the last of three green buttons. The labels were in her native language, not too weird in a spaceship as much as aliens loved to stalk around Sarasaland. It was the translations making her leery.

'Do not put under children of 3 years.' 'Carefully slip and fall?' 'Infinite pleasure?'

Disturbances outside were generating deep percussive booms, rattling the world. They had to safely relocate using one of the buttons and levers scattered around the living arrangements. In desperation Daisy smacked the other two options, making that machine that had fallen on the floor spark to life and cough up dozens of screws and unidentified parts. The lights blinked, though there was no cord or power source.

After tying his blonde hair back to regain some appearance of professionalism, Dr. Toad heaved the machine back on the lab table. "Of course. Morris fully embraces his paper form! Princess, I suggest you depart while you can. I'd loathe to get you in trouble with Mr. X."

"No doc, X is my pen pal. Super smart yo, that's why he brought me down here when he heard I was sick. Toad and the other random folks were to make it less obvious it was a favor I guess.."

The toad doctor clutched his chest, pieces fitting together.

"-Whoa! We don't know each other 'that' way. Lemme start over: When X is on a mission he has blinders on I swear, trying for mayor Monday. See the problem? It looks like I'm involved when my shtick is being neutral to this Mushroom World stuff. That's why I had to lay low, blend in with the others.." Contrasting her words, she leaned against the cupboards with a nonchalance Dr. Toad wished he could borrow. "Not like that tactic's ever really worked anyway. Servants told me the artifact they excavated ended up on the black market and eventually to Zoo Diddley. Bet you wouldn't know that complete jerk!"

"No I wouldn't.." Dr. Toad murmured, requesting the first tech support he could on the pda to cut that short.

A proudly licensed technician beamed in, wearing a blue logo embroidered polo and matching ballcap. "Greetings, Iggy of Nerd Squad here!" The cyborg koopaling's ocular sensors retracted. "Oooooh crap," he mouthed.

Dr. Toad opened his wallet. "Repair this please."

Iggy accepted the coins, wary of a death glare from behind. "Sure! I'll, uh, proceed with the emergency call, only this is a liiiiittle short of my new rates. Sure I no longer need to sleep and can teleport anywhere, but I can't be a charity while saving up for the upcoming Playstation-"

Dr. Toad shoved more at him and pushed him before the sparking and grinding fax, it's death throes. Iggy skittishly unrolled a tool kit and began. The toad doctor was so engrossed as the koopaling sorted disassembled bits with expertise, he didn't notice that there were five angry Hiyoihoi , moai like secret service agents, cornering them against the lab table with huge rocks that dwarfed the tall pencil thin geeks.

"Hold up! That guy caused this stuff!" Daisy fussed, commanding their attention across the table.

"Correct, and now he's performing a paid service. As an outsider, I suppose I had a more fluid idea of heroes and villains."

More sympathy than Daisy expected creeping up on her, she called her guys off. "It does get complicated when we're fine one moment and fighting the next week. For a quick lesson, Bowser's unpopular because his fun involves being a nuisance, questionable science, and kidnapping people."

"-Who hasn't?" Dr. Toad covered his mouth. Thankfully Iggy's eureka moment was the prominent spectacle.

The eighteen year old raised a mangled up sheet of paper from the feed. Cleaning his glasses- "OMG. It's Dr. Mario's, page one of five-thousand!"

Dr. Toad snatched it up, scintillating as if holding Gold Bar x3, if short-lived. "…We should move out of the way of 4999."

Every document stuck in limbo was unleashed machine gun style, pages knocking some of them off their feet worse. The lamp was struck at the base, crying 'OUCH!'. The others dove for cover until the whirling fax machine slowed down for a full HD color print out. Spying through the gaps in the wicker chair he'd ducked behind, Dr. Toad witnessed the shoes, pants, white coat, and ultimately head of Prof. Morris X-Naut roll out, floating tranquility to the orange shag carpet.

"That's for disregarding my PhD in revenge, secret agents!" He flipped upward, fists raised until his younger toad friend tapped him on the shoulder, unenthused. The space alien quickly shaped up, hands behind his back. "I didn't waste eighteen hours for folly, Drew.. Oh look, I remembered to send Dr. Mario's notes ahead of myself in the queue, freshly starched."

A camera flashed from an unknown location.

"Wow oh wow. In the nick of time, the missing professor and the Mushroom Flu notes are found WITH the assistance of a koopaling behind the pandemic? Scoop of the CENTURY!"

The unnoticed lamp removed its shade, revealing a baggy eyed Kylie Koopa, unaffected by the nasty paper cut on her knees. "Iggy fella, was that redemption planned?"

The koopaling ripped off the shirt, puffing out his chest. "Yes! This is my arc, the true destiny of Iggy Delta! Super Mercenary Iggy Delta… Desu!" Kylie snapped more of him before she was tackled by Daisy's servants.

"I'll uh, ack! *cough* I'll change names in the reports!" The reporter gasped from the bottom of the pile up. "PLEASE! At least share the findings with MK East tonight!"

"Fiiiiine," Prof X-Naut groaned loudly. He pulled down an industrial looking lever with the most alarming Engrish statement yet, 'Enjoy your fright'. Everyone felt a centrifugal force.

Jr. Troopa's phone was on silent while waving his brightest torch around the darkness, the magnitude of the wreckage scarily impressive for an aircraft that could have fit in his parents garage. He wouldn't want to look like some distracted, technology bound young adult in front of such a big shot observing his efforts. Fragments of shrapnel were still warm as he picked though, trying his best. No toad pilot or tackle box. Tail between his legs, the paratroopa showed the gauze wrapped dinosaur fragments of a bronze object.

"The rest must have gotten up and walked away." He adjusted his ten-gallon, remaining shorter than the dinosaur. "That good or bad?"

Yoshi fixed the face he was making. "-It's great! I appreciate it." He accepted what was left of the Bronze Egg, mouth tightening. Sonny being some secret agent couldn't have made him immune to injury, furthermore this made an unidentified body unaccounted for twice.

A kart circumvented the koopa, yoshi, and reluctantly leased poochy on the rural stroll to civilization, suspension squeaking from rough terrain.

The window rolled down. "Mr. Munchakoopas, I know you are eager to join Mario. Hop in."

Jr. Troopa felt for his pop gun, inclined to warn about something when the buzzing in his pocket grew unbearable. He had never seen a kart take off like that, nor received so many notifications from his staff and others of a flying saucer sweeping above.


Mushroomites in slippers and night caps clambered to windows or poured from darkened homes onto the streets to get a glimpse at their sovereign, cheering at her return. This continued without letup all the way to the chokepoint of Royal Raceway. Peach separated from the Cloud 9 of the Lakitu Bros and continued with the assistance of an aide, discovering her castle exactly how it used to be. The painted white stone was radiant in the moonlight, pink roof tiles unblemished, wrap-around sandstone driveway immaculate. The only blotch of her opulent abode was perhaps that the mysterious contractor did not get to the lawn yet, patchy parched grass, zero arrangements, and the gnome Ksitigarbha missing- that and there were a dozen pipe frame carts lined up and waiting.

"Princess, er.. Surprise!" The approaching black spotted toad tipped their officer's cap. Like an ant trooper infestation, they could never shake these pests!

Toadette slid from behind Peach, scrutinizing 'Warden Dylan' closely, uniformed in dark blue like a typical police force- blatantly not the original wave of King's officers. While they might not have faced Booigi's wrath, they and the rest of the squad interestingly had a few minor scuffs and scrapes. "How did you do it?"

"Our squadron arrived only an hour ago, after completion. You are not to question the King, steward. He's already spoken." They revealed a note, once tapped to the doors. It was the official parchment with the seal, handwritten in the middle with cursive:

'Gift from the KING.'

With the celebrating crowd catching up and washing the rest of her friends in, there was no peace to ponder anything. The interior, some of their old belongings, the leaky faucet in the basement, all restored to a level of convincing detail. Toad was the last to arrive 'home', the vision from the Vrlrdyi scope zombifying his gait more than usual. This castle wasn't was he saw spring from nothingness, but he wished it was so there would be less questions. The King was once known for his mastery over bricks, the famous brown kind, via his scepter, a major player in his great post WW63 kingdom expansion. Peach Castle did not contain those bricks however…

"You okay?"

Toad blinked at Mario, completely alone in the doorway. "Totally…"

The red plumber told the lingering guards to hightail it and they did, eager to do so as there was something coming, huge. Civilian stragglers fled as a three headed eel monster, larger than an Unagi anyone had seen, slithered onto castle grounds, its glistening blue skin emitting a radioactive red glow.

"Heeeeelp! Don't let them blow me up Mr. Toadsworth!"

Only a few feet from the open doorway, the elder's tea cup slipped from his grasp. "T-the m-monster w-was a t-toad, eh wot?"

"I don't look like a toad anymore?" The middle head swiveled back and forth with the other heads. "We don't?" asked the leftmost head. "I'll do a trick. Cool Blue style. Somebody come here," said the right, seizing control. "I will.. try to speak normally. I respect privacy."

Mario stepped up, protectively closing the entrance door partially behind him.

"Curtis Mario, you secretly sold your castle after Luigi won his mansion. That's why it never shows up in games anymore. Months after the incident, every time you heard a boo cackle you'd wet-"

The plumber spun back in, petrified. "This is definitely our Mario encyclopedia- I mean Bucken-Berry."

"Oh heavens. What will we do with you?"

"Mr. Toadsworth um.. Closer. Sam, can I say that? Your secret is..oh weird." Slit pupils thinning out, the nostrils of all three heads flared open. "You smell like death.. I can't describe it. Is this a trick? I wanted Toadsworth, you phony!" Their spines rose, and their cheeks filled from something amber.

The old mushroom man screamed madly, retreating behind Mario. "He's unstable and about to-!"

Hot lava deluged the lobby, leaving Mario and co scrambling out of the way. They gawked from the mezzanine at the searing pool, melting all of the princess's furniture on ground level, the podium, her chairs, the sun rug.. The curtains caught fire and heat bulged out and shattered many of the windows. Peach burst open the upper level doors, breathing rapidly in her nightgown.

"This is why I WILL welcome my father tomorrow."

Later in those early hours, Toad desperately needed to hear from two people. For Bucken-Berry, what did he see wrong with Toadsworth? He waited at the lake until mosquitos drained a quarter of his blood. No answer. He also wondered what happened to Luigi on the way. Again nothing, at least by text.


During the rescue parade Luigi diverted to the precinct upon catch stray chatter of Boo being held there under suspicious circumstances. He found the desk unoccupied in the ex-fast food joint. No ostentatious if earnest Snifit Patrol, bubbling but kind Inspector Douglas, or grouchy but diligent Sergeant Howie. Luigi wandered around until at a hard corner, where an array of bars lined both sides of a hallway. He was drawn to a casted foot sticking out of one cell. A bandit was inside, the rest of his body unmovable on a medical cot.

"-Luigi, hey man! I'm not a baddie. I need your help. We're secret agents and 100% didn't do nothing!-" Then he ratted out everything, the story mashing into a big jumble.

"Stop! Please! Let me take my time.." Luigi poured over the cell. Also imprisoned was a middle aged yoshi businessman evidently, on the bench with a blank stare, drool from the side of his open mouth creating a puddle. Lastly Boo Diddley was in the corner, facing the concrete wall. A sliver of moonlight from the window hit them partially, illuminating exactly half of them from the back down to the tail.

He grabbed the bars. "Buddy!"

Barely perceptible, they squeaked, "Luigi?"

Perspicaciously, the bandit appeared to play dead..

"I apologize for not returning promptly. I'll be brutally honest. Stepping into my brother's shoes was a whirlwind and some of the delay was unforeseen, yes but ultimately I did forget. I will make it up to you, maybe tomorrow or sometime when we can go over that.. 'anti-toad retribution' I keep hearing about.." He let go, the pressure from his hands fogging the steel. Boo was such a do-gooder typically. They had to be ridden with guilt to stay behind a locked gate they could phase though at any time.

"Luigi. Yes. Something got into me."

"I knew it!"

The boo slowly rotated. The green plumber's smile faded, the hair on his neck standing. Boo had a puncture, a perfectly centered headwound and gazing into it, something was escaping, impalpable, and clawing out for him. During Luigi's studies with Prof. E. Gadd, the mentor himself only had the briefest notes on this arcane phenomenon. Boos could possess, a species trait, but if something possessed a boo, it created a psionic vacuum.

"And now it's getting out of you," he sputtered.

They glided closer. "I'll be brutally honest too… No wait. I'll just be brutal."

Back against the opposite bars, Luigi steeled himself. His mind had to be a fortress, but like the real thing, cracks were inevitable. "Why?" he croaked, sliding to the floor, eyes propped open. To resist was muscle tearing.

"You are in love with a toad."

A response crawled out of his throat, the rest of him disintegrating from the top down. "I..don't know that yet, Boo!"

"Booigi. Boo is somewhere safe, and I know you don't. This was a warning. You won't get another."


The news dispersed in Toad Town: The Mushroom Flu could be cured, MK Hospital East and South joining peacefully to use Peach's Stadium to sort it all out. At noon each patient could receive the first dose using a custom Dr. Mario patented mega-vitamin. An enigma greater than the two rival health facilities conglomerating, was the credit section recording Princes Daisy Bloom and Ignitus H Koopa as assistants. A koopaling? Daisy, a victim, on there too? A recall on the first print was too late for message board stalkers. It only spread the word more, the usual lime green PR toad not updating his blog to clarify matters. The Mushroom Kingdom discovered the newly coined Sarasaland Effect in the process..

Joseph flung the covers off his bunk bed. He'd slept in late, his disability accommodating alarm clock being one of those things not recovered. The weight of being indebted to a King most of them were hardly acquainted with threw every aspect of the toad's routine off kilter. Peach's car keys were misplaced, the trip to the market took forever, the washing machine was overloaded and bubbles filled the castle, breakfast items were missing like the butter, jammin jelly etc, despite Chef Tim's protests and so on. The topic of Kinopio-Kun arose from nowhere and it was quite negative, more so than usual as he left with no goodbye to them or the princess for the most disrespect. Toadette kept her head down, debating on if to speak. Ultimately that could be shelved, her more concerned over the eldest at the table.

Toadsworth's heavy star patterned blankets just swallowed him up nearly. The only time his hoarse voice was heard was when asking the adjacent toad to rip open a box of something, the label marked out. That was Thomas, head barely above the table level, picking at the mushrooms on the china silently. It was intimidating for him to engage. Aside from the thick Darklandian accent, what followed him was that his primary companions had been Ala-Gold, sacrosanct at this point, and Bucken-Berry, not wise to breach with Toadsworth in vicinity. Peach gave him the position at least, almost too easily from her quadrant. Then again, they needed a new tech person in Kinopio's wake. Toadette volunteered, taking Thomas as an apprentice.

Okay, actually that was easy..

The only toad who was himself slid his clean plate away. "Heads up. I have an appointment soon. I'll be back before Elderberry shows, I promise."

Toadsworth nodded at Peach with some coded expression.

"Mr. Toad, wait a moment." The princess gently patted her face with a napkin. "We are ready to see the message!"

A King's officer stepped in, impervious to all of the scathing or alarmed glances. They held a tablet fixed to a virtual meeting, the person on the other end represented by a B symbol. The toads crowded around as the camera cut on, revealing Bowser! He seemed well rested in a location with a red sky and volcanoes, Dark Land, though he didn't have a castle yet, rather he and other troops bustling around in the distance were under temporary tents.

"Bwa ha ha! It is I, King Bowser! I bet you and your dumb toads are rarely surprised by stuff, so here's a treat. We started it, and we ended it. Check your papers. We, the Koopa Troop, take (partial..) responsibility for curing the Mushroom Flu! …I don't know how you got a castle already and NOT ME! But whatever, all we want for payment is.. Not to kidnap you but.." Someone off screen whispered, Bowser responding with a subdued groan. "Alright, we want all your old treasures."

"NO!"

Her outburst caused the toads leaning to yelp or flip a plate into the air. Their savior was another user hopping on. Mario and Luigi were on a couch at their home, identified easily by the game collection displayed behind them. Mario was animatedly speaking with Luigi beside him, an ice pack on his head and something else a little off, Toad was noticing.

"Mario, you're muted!" he said.

Sheepishly the plumber reached around the screen. "Got it. Bowser.." He flushed. "-You were supposed to get on with us first."

"Yeah, how did you terrorize them in the mean time? Spit it out," Luigi commanded, the bass and directness of this tone having immediate effect.

Bowser scratched his head, all faux innocently. "I didn't threaten nobody! Just throwing out facts… Okay fine and I parroted what one of my son's wanted. No clue why that new artifact craze is important.."

"Vater, be discreet!" cried that person off screen again.

Toadsworth in the far rear wavered. "What is his progress?" he asked Zeror to ask the tablet, deferring attention. The green toad tried to speak up, unable to succeed with the topic moving on.

"So, we're hunky dory right?" Mario whistled.

"What up what up!" Daisy sat on Luigi's side, in some baggy casual clothing, not what she wore at the game, nor the hospital smock they'd expect.

Then Yoshi flopped down next to Mario, waving. Below at his knees Poochy circled around, wagging.

"-Daze is fine early and Yosh is visiting!" Mario announced.

"Daisy, goodness. Seeing you is.. Amazing. T. Yoshisaur, how pleasant as well. Why today?" The princess inquired , the result unintentionally like a lightning strike through the screen.

Yoshi sprung away. "I haven't fixed the toast yet!"

"Oh gods…" Daisy bite her lip before leaving. "Better break it to him that I already broke the toaster!"

"Psst Guys," Luigi whispered. "What's going eludes us too. Was there anything else? I had to ask something but I forgot. I'm getting an aspirin." He got up.

"-When's the next tennis game? I'm down to cross a kingdom or two again."

Everyone groaned. Too soon. "Bowser, we have other present matters, like my father's arrival," Peach responded impatiently. "If you want to cross kingdoms, make haste. And not to here. You know my father closes borders when he moves for safety!"

Bowser laughed it off. "Okay, nevermind. Hey, you'll vote for my daughter Monday, right? She's grounded but I'm gonna let her do it so she'll see that ruling ain't fun and games, then I'll just take over. I hate the rain so I'll install giant umbrellas everywhere, get it all dry and crackly which is better, build some fortresses, a tower.."

"Bowsy, way to be tone deaf. Neo Bowser City's neutrality and the slick expert level race tracks is the reason people like it. Toad and the entire Mario Kart association will so cuss you out-" Bowser petulantly logged out mid sentence. Finding that ticklish, Mario scanned around the screen. The Earl had vanished from the crowd. "Well, he saved his own tail, haha. Peach, can I talk to you privately?"

In a lukewarm way, the princess excused everyone. After the toads dragged their feet out, Mario continued, "First, you feel well?"

"I suppose," she lied.

"Good, because Luigi has amnesia over the entire adventure, except for this weird little comment about his friend Toad. After running ourselves ragged, and then hearing that your dad hasn't let up it's just…" He regathered himself, contemplating. "Considering the tensions yesterday, do you want us there?"

Peach's fine china had one soft fluffy muffin left. She broke off a piece, holding it while answering unsteadily, "I will be fine as long as Mr. Toad is back. …So, to be lively again, did you call 'him' Bowsy?"

Mario's eyebrows rolled up. Her light hearted laughter afterwards was all he needed to hear though, joining in as a notification banner scrolled across the top of Peach's tablet. A reporter was requesting to see her around noon.


Someone tiptoed across the molten rock in the lobby, inconveniently blocking the basement (something to deal with later since the leak wasn't fixed..). Sun rays reached castle grounds early from the fissure in Star Hill and, some relief wafting over him, no guards were hanging around anymore. He rushed to the street, awkwardly in the different shoes he was used to, dodging mud. A sail equipped New Donk City cab should have been there for a quick in and out. It wasn't. He sent a text every minute nagging, in the process finding a message from his doctor about the need for a pacemaker..

"-HI-YAA- *cough* I mean, sup Mr. Toad."

"No trouble. Just lookin!"

"Her place's really back!"

"Can you believe it?"

The red, black, yellow, and green ninjas ogled every inch of the property. They had been working hard it appeared, sweaty, with tool belts on their hips and fluorescent construction hats, quite a career change for a once vicious Koopa Troop aligned gang.

"We didn't ask for construction, homeboys."

The black one, Eggplant, twisted around. "We're temps for all that construction going on downtown so duh ya didn't, old man." The bros snickered.

Toad let them be, gravitating to his reflection in the murky lake. He'd dressed in the dark so he supposed he asked for some shock, not looking anything like this since the Mario All-Stars event. His short platinum hair appeared prominently from under his black top hat and the boxy cut of his matching suit and bow tie, with the accessory of a hooked white cane screamed the 80s. If his Special One loved it, he loved it. The silver watch stated 98:848, an unknown time zone or broken. It clashed with his getup anyway so he removed it from his wrist, pocketing it as splashing and rowdiness made his ears perk. He rolled his eyes.

"WOOO! Catch!"

"Over here! Over here!"

Yep, they were in the moat. If the Koopa Bros wanted to cool off that was fine but- Toad thought he was imagining. Their 'ball' arcing in the air was one of their precious lost garden gnomes.

He rolled his sleeves up. "I'm gonna kill em.."

With each step closer, a ninja was mysteriously pulled under. Something moved swiftly downstream and a second later, a pile of koopa bones shot onto land.

"WHY? AHHH!" Toad staggered to the shore, freaking out. All of the shell colors were there, with ribs, skulls, femurs.. He went green, queasy as the surface undulated. It was right there. "Uh, hey. I just want to talk to you….We'll tell Peach it was a mistake okay?...And weren't you vegan?"

Three pairs of red eyes became visible from the deep. Toad braced-

"-I don't know what came over me! I hadn't had breakfast and.. I don't know anymore! Just let me go. Fire me!"

"We're working on you. Don't talk like that.."

That the steward wept was confirmed when he ascended a little ways up, baleful form curled into a ball. "Doesn't matter! Even before this happened I didn't fit any mold. I blame it on not growing up around enough toads. I'm either too eager, too angry, too emotional, too passionate, too guilty.. Just wrong somehow. I was never gonna be a hit like you.."

Toad buttoned and unbuttoned the end of his dress coat over and over, playing out in his head how this might go. "Don't envy me being enmeshed in the toad world. When you lost your family, at least they loved you."

He thought he perceived the slits in the water widening. "Mr. Toad, when did they-?"

"Not that way." Toad slipped off the increasingly constricting dress coat. "No one knows this, not even Peach. When her father relocated, the toad nobles left me behind because.. I'd always known I wasn't into other toads. -The worst part is, much later when that stigma went away a lil, I couldn't let that shame go. I used to wish the stars to be 'fixed'. Everyday. But there was nothing to fix." He ran a hand down his face with a half frustrated sigh. "Cause what we think as 'proper' was imposed on us, and nobody needs to have a near death experience like me to realize they'd wasted a ton of their life thinking they're some freak!"

"Mr. Toad-"

"Sorry to cut it here. I'm almost late for something!" Cathartic, Toad tied on a super cape, preparing for a running start. "Hang in there and think of this. You've survived alien gamma rays and junk twice in your life now. Is being stronger than usual bad? Heck no, right?"

"Heck yeah."


A blur from the other side of the world beat the Sunset Express on full steam to the Tangerino Grill, a famed one paint star restaurant with two contemporary styling, two floors, and luxurious VIP area. The cape wearer scoped it out when his date appeared out of nowhere, pointing upwards and- BAM! Colliding with a billboard, he plummeted below, bouncing off the roof, an open umbrella at an outside table, and in the midst of all the tourists from the arriving train, getting trampled.

"Toad!" They parted though toads to assist him, readjusting his top hat. "Watch where you're flying!"

"I was distracted." He coughed up a ton of dirt, the worst intro ever, but salvaged it despite being at the back of the line and in the heat, by reaching into his jacket and revealing some stringy purple little piranha flower. "For you dear."

"Thank you." Easing into the delightfully palatable spontaneousness of everything, Luigi accepted and gave him something odd in return. It was a bronze little egg thing, riddle with lines where it had been melded, in turn making it neater looking.

"Oh my gosh." Toad held the Bronze Egg. "Am I supposed to sit on this and hatch it?"

"Well, I.. don't have a backstory. It was with me so, I know it's meant for you. Besides, your other antique was stolen so.."

"Ha, yeah that. Thanks."

Hands cooly in his pockets, Toad stole so many glances while he was occupied with that flower, he could have become a professional thief. Luigi had an actual tuxedo, well fitted on his slender build. His full head of brown hair was gelled back and his voluptuous jet black mustache was trimmed up, just the perfect contrast against olive skin. The only little issue, it mostly hid his lips, especially while breathing in that flower. Was it that great? Maybe, Toad's chest kept fluttering. That could be the need for the pacemaker too though so.. Oh gosh. Converse, Toad.

"So how do you want to swing in? Like with swagger? Or low-key? Or roll a D12?...Luigi?"

Frazzled, Luigi rose from the plant. "-OH. Sorry I.. had an eidetic memory. Whatever you're comfortable with-."

"Perfect!" Toad boldly reached for Luigi's full gloveless hand. A spark traveled up the Earl's arm, to the rest of his nervous system. If not so euphoric it'd be depressing how long he'd been waiting for this. At least no one was paying attention to them so far back at the map boundary-

"Zhis is merde!" grumbled toad host pressing through the crowd. "Reservations first please! Hey, zhey are!"

Additional waiters came out and dragged Luigi and Toad in beyond countless leering toads, tossing them into the moodily lit dining room with hardwood floors, beige plaster walls, and assorted culinary knicknacks decorating the wall. A Peddler Toad with a glint in his eye ambushed, intruding on Mr. Toad in particular.

"I sell spare pizza dough. You'll never know when you'll need that around here!"

Hardly having a moment to dust himself off, "No thanks. I think I do know that I won't need that, homeboy.."

"How about salt, pepper, lemons?.. To make it zesty!..." He gave up, hiding his wares. "You don't like zest?.. Wait, are you the Earl of-"

Toad excused himself in a flash, soon dry heaving over a can in the restroom. Luigi tapped gently on the door with an eerie sense that this had happened before with someone else. A waiter had their table ready and on cue, Toad reappeared, playing off how blanched out he was. They were led through the dining room, beyond antsy looking toads at tables, and seated in a red themed partitioned and candle lit VIP area with a smaller more intimate table.

When the menu was placed in Toad's paws, the selection of Italian and grilled delicacies crowded out much else. His instant steak request was denied awkwardly. There was no one to 'defeat' it. Luigi chose the Momma Mia Pizza and since it was the size of the table, they could share. As VIPs, a jolly chef came along and flipped the soft powdery dough in the air before them for entertainment until it arched over and burst out their window.

The red faced toad brushed the shattered glass away with his foot. "Gentlemen, just an itty bitty wait. Dough quantity is low due to those black market fiends."

To complete the cringe package, he left the curtains half open, exposing them to the other diners with empty plates.

Toad took a deep breath, and scooted up closer. "H-how's it going, Mr. Hero? No dumb question we just spent all day yesterday together. Ah hem. SO.."

"-How long?"

"At this rate like an hour...Oh, you mean. Me." Toad slapped himself. "Since Luigi's Mansion."

'Really?" Color returned to him in curiosity. "I was so gawky and-"

"Don't downplay. You accomplished what we couldn't and I had a crush since. I mean you called my spots cute! I had issues to sort then and I wish I could change it, but I don't have a rewind button.." He smiled again, if very nervously then, reddening. "So. Might I ask, you? If- if you do feel that way."

Luigi blushed back, compulsively arranging and rearranging silverware. "For once I can't be loquacious. It's from knowing you so long. I like how you're funny, considerate to those 'beneath' you, tough, scarily proficient at juggling heavy matters without imploding- a skill I need, open to new things- again what I needed in this world, and," He looked up. "Yes, I like the spots, enough to endure your occasional chaos."

A waiter came around with beverages and courtesy appetizers. Toad gulped down the fizzy drink like it was extinguishing something. Kinda concerning. Or tricked himself into drinking something with carbonation again, making Luigi giggle while next inquiring about the campaign.

"I'm pleading to every star, even the obscure ones: Aurelius, Iris, Adrian-"

"What virtues do those star spirits embody?"

"I don't really know, but are there any bad ones? It's not like the Real World, Luigi. We jump on stage and right then and there people pick the joker they want. I need it to be this joker!" He thumbed towards himself while Luigi cracked up again, then his countenance flatted in earnestness. "How much more subversive can you get than a toad as mayor of Neo Bowser City? It's important I demonstrate that it's okay to be different. -Especially for the demographics 'boxed' in from the outset. And so for the rest of my years I'll be more known for that instead of being wild or crazy…which I'll still be, don't get me wrong-"

Luigi leaned in and reached over, holding his semi muscled upper arm. "That's beautiful."

Lost in his blue optimistic eyes, Toad gently reached around the nape of his neck. "You are more." A greedy side taking over, he met the rest of the way, navigating around Luigi's nose, zoning on the mustache, his goosebumps intensifying upon finding the plumber's lips and pressing against them with his for the shortest one in a half seconds when-

Oh Eldstar- A hoard of toads violently ripped the rest of the curtain down, crowding their table. "Did we hear something about Bowser over here? That was the last problematic VIP that closed down the kitchen. Get them!"

"I'm hungry!" "My butt went to sleep!" "My husband left me." "Luigi wouldn't- or WOULD do this!" etc physically battered them.

"Here's something for all that whine!" Toad threw a giant cheese wheel at the toads. The heavy thing rolled into the nearby kitchen, seemingly triggering a cacophony. Cooks escaped, arms in the air. On hero instinct, Luigi super jumped over several heads to peep in. Pots and pans littered the floor, food was dying at the pass or sizzling to carbon on the stoves, and the freezer was wide open, blasting ice. A more severe chill came from the sous chef curled next to the cutting table, their life drained by a shy guy with a paper straw. The head chef, a crinkled yellow toad hanging limply and creased over a spoke of the ceiling fan, reanimated.

"Help!"

"I'm sorry alright! I'll never waste cheese again!" Toad materialized at Luigi's side. "...I did this, right?"

Sensing an extra person, the shy guy bent backwards with an unnatural ninety degree angle, making eye contact as horror violin chords screeched from some incorporeal location.


Toadette angled it downwards at the six red eyes in the depths, a sports program on. "Is this sufficient?"

"Uh.. Yeah." He almost called her 'baby' but didn't, not with her tripping over the chords afterwards.

The long chain wound all over castle grounds to power it. It was challenging to dodge Toadsworth, Peach, and Les at the podium, but with assistance of the camera systems Toadette set up, and spiritual motivation from Ksitigarbha, the faithful white bearded garden gnome on look out, they secured entertainment for their friend. And also this other guy.. A certain orange toad was refilling ice while they borrowed a basket from the kitchen, other options closed off in the basement. The most dry monotonous discussion on plausible techniques to treat Bucken-Berry's radiation poisoning couldn't shoo the chef.

"-Can I keep these?" Thomas asked all a sudden, staring into the picnic basket that held picked clean white bones, identical to specimens in the science lab at the Mushroom Collage Toadette would introduce him to later.

Toadette and Tim went 'Eeek!'

"Remember, he's used to this kinda stuff!" the monster reminded them.

Uneasily, she let him at least be the temporary keeper of the evidence that hadn't conjectured on how to handle yet. Explaining the unexplainable was more up the avenue of their crackpot sage Mr. Toad.

"The Mario Strikers birdo player in the 4 jersey is from Donut Plains. I don't know why they keep tryin to pass them off as Yoshi Islanders. Sound nothing alike."

"Sir, may I ask how you became so proficient?"

Toadette got really quiet, unsure if he'd answer Thomas.

"...I was at the Mushroom Kingdom Orphanage until I was eighteen. Super diverse."

"Sorry, sir."

"-I thought this was soccer? They're scoring so much it's boring," Tim cut in.

"Chef, there are other televisions you can watch," Toadette droned.

"No there isn't." The orange toad glared about as peevishly as his mother Zess T. "We're living in an empty castle shell Miss Toadette!" Sighing he got up anyway. "Here's something for you." He passed along the other half of the document from Hotel Mario, jolting as she half heartedly reached for it. "-CAREFUL! It is a recipe of destruction."

She snorted.

"Believe me for once! I had to sneak into Zeror's cramped creepy room- he's hoarding our stuff- while he was showering… Anyway, yes, this is dangerous. See on my first day, the princess was burnt out on those cakes so I asked Samuel to guide me through the basement archives. He'd forgotten about some belongings of Peach's mother, such as those!" He tapped the edge of the paper in her hand. "We burned them off site and I'd blotted that memory out until yesterday. That's why I sabotaged Zeror, Joe, and Les with the dessert."

She covered her mouth. "Stars in heaven.."

"Miss Toadette, are you okay?"

She turned to Thomas, nodding. "We should..analyze this indoors. Blue, would you anything?"

"Yeah. Phone."

Without questioning, she placed a cordless one at the water's edge. Once they were gone, a thin tendril surfaced and called long distance to Ricco Harbor, fulfilling that check-in he never got a chance to last night.

"Hey, Brah. It's high tide and people are everywhere, swarming. Can hardly breathe. Gotta go-"

The monster quickly stood from the lake, revealing semi-translucent skin, two tree trunk sized legs and giant swooper-like wings on his back. From his armless sides sprouted the innumerable tendrils, stretched out in surprise. "Ala-Gold.. You're okay?!"

"Better than okay, brah. I'm home."

Bucken-Berry leapt on land, stomping around out in the open, not caring. "So you just up and left? I loved you dude. I'm sorry I treated you like crap sometimes!"

"Oh."

"Yes dude! God, I'm so messed up inside.. I'll stay on the meds this time and- stop blaming other people for everything. I don't even have beef with Mr. Toad anymore like you and Toadette hated. Just come back. I'll never hurt you again, I promise."

"Only now? Too late to salvage, brah!" his friend jabbed. "Think Toad or Toadette or Thomas can shield you now that you're that freak? Just give u- I mean, join me here." The tension in the golden toad's deep voice eased. "You'd be safe from uh, those tanks and banzai bills, Cool Blue."

Bucken-Berry's gargantuan strides lead him to Star Hill, the pelt of stray star bits on his scales waking him up with one three toed foot hanging off the george, a bottomless pit in the center of the mountain. He hurled himself backwards, smashing trees.

"-Still there, brah?"

The floodgates opened, the monster's eyes opening. "Yeah.. I'll stay here. Where you at doesn't sound fun. You know I need space."

"Cool Blue-"

"-And you ALWAYS refused to call me that! I don't think you know me anymore."

"...I should have never shielded you," he hissed.

Bucken-Berry felt the spines flare again. "You didn't. Ala-Gold did. WHO ARE YOU, PUNK!?" bellowed across the entire kingdom. Lowering the phone, the left head noticed they'd death breathed it into melted plastic. Darn. That was castle property…


The ceiling fan chef cried, "Unlock that cabinet!"

Toad barged forward, rolling under the fire billowing from the ovens. His klutzy skull bash undid the latch and from out of it split another shy guy with a white hat, the Tangerino Grill's secret weapon. Luigi used the cane to hook Toad away as the Slurp Guy's straw punctured the attacker and drained his paint. Shunned Guy twisted around at an abnormal angle, latching on the Slurp Guy to drain them back.

"It's an infinite paint exchange cycle over there, an ouroboros.."

"Oww.. Phrasing.. I mean thanks." Woozily, trying to grab both the plumber and the wall to stand, Toad flipped a wall switch, speeding up the fan.

Luigi caught the chef, both going down and tipping hot pans. Toad caught them in turn, only forgetting the fireball jetting across the kitchen. Melting out the freezer, a steam cloud and wave of ice water swept them out! While the paper characters panicked, the snazzy duo collided against the dessert display, layer cakes and someone's abandoned to-go order flipping into their laps. Luigi couldn't believe how absurd this Paper Mario entry was. Why wasn't he in it? Or was he?

During that crisis, Toad patted his shoulder, idly munching on the sweets like a starved barbarian with the other hand. It was like gravel down his throat, and the cheese curls flavorless, lacking… zest.

"Blessings unto you gentlemen." Someone disturbed a puddle next to Toad. "Looks like this is a destination the brigade can skip," chattered a yellow toad, not of the staff here, in adventurer's garb with tan thick pants and hiking boots. Lifting from his crumb filled suit to Jörg, Mr. Toad's eyes widened. He screamed.

They came to facing upwards, tied and bound to the roof of a station wagon kart. It sped treacherously and weaving around palm trees on the coastal edge of Water Land with a siren blasting police kart close behind. They were dressed like at the outing, but the time was ambiguous, Toad's watch irretrievable and the sky purple and hazy, not sun visible as smoggy as it felt.

Luigi squeezed his eyes shut. "I knew I'd obtained a head injury at some point.."

Cool as the other side of the pillow, Toad used his free enough hand to stab through the roof beneath them with a blade, prying it open like a can. "Wasn't a dream. Stan will wish it was…"

Luigi turned to him and back, eyebrows knotting. "Knowing your sense of humor, were you carrying a straight blade everywhere to be ironic?"

Toad eyed him endearingly. "Uh, no. You were less PC than me for once, niiiice!"

He lay flat again, back of his head bopping against the metal. "I'm definitely brain damaged."


An intense rivalry span across every kingdom and the Great Sea, where at last, at near inhabitable Inception Island of Fahr Outpost, the camo-clad thirty-fiveish aged noki was worn down by the fortyish something red boo and cornered against a frigid solid rock. In all of the detective's fifteen or twenty, depending which he was going with that day, years of experience, he'd never had a target as dangerous and persistent as Agent M, lowering the rocket launcher to smirk and display all those sharp cascading teeth.

"We both fabricate our age, how cute!"

Jelectro tilted his sunglasses to wink. "At least I don't have to, Patchy McGraybeard."

"Hey! Heeeey…" M rubbed his chin. "I'm doing my best and chicks dig it. Now you and Jeremy are still in that high end condo right? How many pieces you wanna be mailed back in?"

"You are despicable, Trevor!"

"That's what my old therapist said!"

The red boo aimed the launcher again, cackling like a maniac. A mound of snow had accumulated on the barrel that quick. If the 'friendly' chat went on, Jelectro would soon be buried alive anyway. Of the rogue gallery, he found himself longing for on and off hours friend 999, or Lt. Stone. If not spike deep in Koopa Troop espionage, he could have been around, salving the unhinged as was his unusual knack. 0064 supposed he could use his own powers and it wouldn't be hedonistic for once, but evidently M was only thinking about home at Toad Town and being with some girlfriend..

"-You know he prescribed me a rope, Bond?"

The noki mumbled some reply, trained now at something down the dark barrel, the size of his head. There was an object stuffed in, and not a bullet bill-

"-I know! What a quack. Chains are far better, you know, for gagging people. You'd be able to testify! Fine, FINE enough stalling-"

And then, the noki reached and latched onto the object, creating a backfire that blew the red boo off the cliff. The snowball containing him smacked against a cabin, sending it's occupant, a bob-bomb in a fur hat out to investigate. Agent M emerged before the spherical baddie, the remains of his rocket launcher in the lawn split like a banana. He decked the civilian and retrieved his backup, the SS HQ shotty, approaching the cracked up dark blue shell of a noki, surrounded by colorful fun confetti.

He froze for a bit, literally as well, an ill feeling building up until he was gently prodded.

"-Mon ami, I thought it was time to come out of my shell." Jelectro, runny nosed and in an undershirt, loaded the silenced handgun. "Last words?"

Agent M's lip curled. "Yeah-"

"No no-" He revealed the pink boo's own cell phone he'd pilfered. "To your Mademoiselle-"

M scanned the text and cursed to himself. "I promised Bridget I was gonna be home every night from now on…"

The noki checked his dive watch, the dunce cap then on him. Unless he'd reset the calendar under the cyclops by accident, it was Sunday morning. "We can kill each other another day"

"Yep."

"Yep!"

Agent M breathed down his neck. "You didn't say it right."

"Shut up."

The two scaled down in the six feet of slush, ice beating down.

He added, "You know this whole thing was me trying to frame the Spy Guy alliance."

"Aye aye aye! What part of me going down a canyon in your rust bucket would accomplish that, mon ami?"

"The part where I would phase you out and fake your assassination?. It was that koopaling that mucked it up. Whatever. This fiasco is off the books. Us boo buddies aren't terrible secret keepers like the boo diddlies- Jelectro!" He scowled as the noki jumped on a rickety ski lift in the middle of his sentence. M leapt for the sidebar, dangled for a moment to catch his breath and then sloppily spilled onto the chairlift. "Don't even try to ditch me, Bond. People that turn their back to boos never make it long.."

"I don't play by the rules. You should understand. Are not Red Boos an all female species?"

"Hey! …Heeey.. Just for that you're paying the tab! Clear?"

Jelectro focused ahead only, fighting against the nosebleed coming on.. "Wrong again, Trevor. Everything is opaque."


Around the fortress in Neo Bowser City, the climate was the total antithesis of Fahr Outpost. Agitated volcanoes spew lava all around town, mesmerizing a toad girl in the window, pressed to the glass drapes fully drawn. Mayor Koton and his rock baddies gave her and the gang the conference room, the lounge chair, the computer, and an awesome snack machine.

"Emery. Uh. Emery?" A koopatrol in a pink dress suit and tie, the men's uniform companion the girl's suit of a more feminine cut, stood next to her. "That kind of thing isn't healthy for even us natives.."

Startled, she bumped into him, righted herself , and flashed an ok, smoke pouring from her eye sockets. "Noted."

"Guess this is a bad time to discuss Queen Wendy O's official statement?"

"No, go ahead." She smiled, trying to not look blind.

Tanner fiddled with his pockets. "She'd texted me it. And then my phone died forever." Looking over the old Bowserphone with a Koopa Ball Z shell cover was bittersweet. Its abrupt end flushed down a couple of old pictures he had of Zoo.

"Well?" She poked his hard chest.

"Oh. Umm, the basics are: if anyone doesn't want to support her 'fabulous dreams', reshaping the world, killing plumbers, being good looking, blah blah, expect death."

"How could anyone say no to that?"

"I know. She sounded like her old self in it too, and to be messaged directly, I must be doin' great!"

"I can't see that."

Deflating, "-Yeah, I'm just a door and pizza box guard.."

"No I mean-" She held his elbow, she hoped, and led him toward what she was hearing . On the surveillance screens showing downstairs, Skylandians were gathering on the Darkland crest rug, darker skinned toads with mostly light blue spots. Decorated in armor from yesterday's battle, and running on that same high by their boldness in speaking to Johnson, they were all going to march down tomorrow to vote for Toad!

"Guys guys guys! Something crazy just happened!" Hippity Hop announced in the doorway after the fact. They shrieked regardless.

Emery found the worn, hand me down desk and sat. Funny, she despised being propped behind these when at MK East, dealing with paperwork or some drivel. Now she was willingly because she saw the big picture. -Once the black dots faded from her vision she would rather. She called up Wendy on the conference phone. The distaff koopaling appeared on screen. She had an influencer angle, so she wasn't too close, showing others in the background looking gaunt and tired. As for the princess, she positively glowed, like she'd spent the night in a fancy hotel, exactly like her glamor shots, infatuating the three until her low venous tone shoo them back to reality.

"I am aware of encroaching dangers, disciples Emery and Tanner.. And Flippity-Flop."

"Princess.." Hippity complained.

"SILENCE.. A hitherto unimportant traveler approaches with an offering, just in time for one of our celestial enemies." Bowser Jr. stopped playing with a toy train and began to point and call her out to their dad. Wendy slid the camera closer. "So for now sit pretty! Ciao!"

Her disciples, or as normal people would say, her assistants nodded obsequiously.


The cloaked figure picked up the phone in the recess of MK East, knowing the codes for the facilities intranet.

"Hello, this is Dr. Prof. Koopa…"

She abjectly fell back against the alcove wall. "..I thought this was-"

"Oh, girl. It is me. Mariam."

"You sound like emhim/em. "

On the other end, all the way in the Sarasaland processing station, the duplighost checked around carefully, remaining in their disguise. "I know dearie. I'm great at imitation. Every document has Theodore on it, there's no choice."

"I don't follow."

"Something hit our ship! The Princess Peach limped on, stars bless, but Dr. Prof was seasick and half over the rails the moment before impact. We only recovered him from the hips down!"

The cloaked one gasped.

"-Nass, why are you risking this call?"

She collected her thoughts, sliding up her glasses. "I've done my job. A special guess is arriving and I don't want to become trapped. We go far back. It's the King."


Author note: Crack played straight here. I refuse to do typical romance so this is my take. So, time management… I gotta accept I don't have much of it. Good thing we're starting to wrap up.

-Bucken-Berry's form is like King Ghidorah, get it? Like his middle name? (That's also my fav Godzilla villain so..)

-The only garden gnome in the Marioverse is a souvenir in a Warioware game. In the Japanese version however it's localized to a monk Ksitigarbha. Now you know where that name is from.

-I struggled on if to content warn this chapter. Nothing here is worse than anything done so far, but I felt like some of the stuff verging on black comedy (using the word comedy generously) appeared here more prominently.

Created: 11/17/22, 11/20, 11/22 (intentional hiatus, then-) 11/26-28, 11/30- 12/2, 12/3, 12/4- 12/8, 12/9- 12/11, 12/12- 12/15, 12/16