The Room, Unslept in
A/N: Time for Chapter 19! These two need to talk before getting married. I originally thought this was going to be one chapter, but realized they needed more than a superficial conversation, so I decided to break this into two chapters, maybe three (we'll see). You'll know for sure at the end whether I move to the next chapter or turn this into three chapters. I surely hope I'm doing this conversation justice. This wasn't an easy thing to delve into.
PS – I don't own any of the characters from Who's the Boss? I also don't own the song(s) I use in this story. I also don't own the dialogue I sometimes use in the chapters. I've tried to pick songs that remind me of Tony & Angela and their relationship. If you'd like to hear them, check out YouTube – you can find just about everything there.
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Chapter 19: The Room, Unslept In: An Evening on the Beach, Part II
July 2, 1993 (Continued)
"Rejecting you?" he asked knowing where this was going, but wanting Angela to give him some more details – and, selfishly, time - before answering. This all had to come out, and they needed to give each other the space to respectfully tell each other exactly how they felt about the events over the past nine years. There had been so many misses, near-misses, and miscues.
"Tony, yes, rejecting me," she said assuredly and firmly. I can start with the obvious, but I think I'll start earlier than that." She wasn't ready to go there yet. "Okay, okay, we both agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea to start anything at Jonathan's camp, and I'm not sure I disagree with that decision. But Tony, we kept getting into situations that told both of us there was something more to our relationship than boss / employee / friendship. Other people noticed it, too: Genevieve Pescher, the Fergusons, Christie and Lyle, Eddie, Philly, Samantha, Jonathan's principal, that judge in South Carolina, and on and on. Even Jonathan set us up for Valentine's Day a few months later after bringing him back from camp."
Angela continued this line of exposing her feelings. "I know we talked about this when we first became a couple, but I want to go a little deeper. Before we finally did go on a date-date, you specifically said that Jonathan's set up was not a date. Tony, it was a date-date – at least to me it felt like a date. We sat together, ate together, and revealed personal stories to each other. You even mentioned adopting Jonathan if we were to get married! It felt like a date, even if we didn't want to arrive home together at the same time. It was much more enjoyable than some of the other recent dates I'd been on," Angela admitted to Tony.
"Angela, I'm so sorry you felt like that. You'd never said anything. We agreed we'd call that our first date from then on when we talked this out before. Valentine's Day is a good day for a first date. I know that the date-date we went on a few years later wasn't the best first – well, second date-date a couple could have. I'm glad we talked later that night and watched that Marx Brothers movie together. It was cozy to sit with you that night on our couch with my arm wrapped around you until the movie ended."
"Well, it did help take my mind off my sore hand," Angela offered remembering how painful it really had been to punch that comedian. Her hand had been sore for days after that.
"Tony, even before this …," she hesitated before going on to discuss this painful time. "Geoffrey with a "G." Tony cringed at the recollection of what happened during the Ferguson's wedding. Angela felt him tighten up but knew they had to talk this out. "Tony, we went to Paul and Isabel's wedding together. I know we've talked about this before, but I want you to know how it fit into the rejection cycle. I didn't want to go with Geoffrey, but you threw me into his arms when Fred and Ginger got too close to identifying how ridiculous it was for us to be together. You did it so quickly, too. I was with Geoffrey for four months. He wined and dined me, he proposed to me, and yet in the back of my mind I wasn't sure about him. Yes, I missed him when the whole car incident happened, but it was more about him being a habit than anything else." She took a deep breath and continued softly. "Tony, it was lonely never going out with anyone." Then Angela decided to add, "And there wasn't an us yet. Tony, it was so lonely not having anyone to hug or cuddle with at night, not to mention other things. The nights were so loooong without anyone," Angela reflected pensively. "Butter Brickle ice cream could only go so far." Then she continued talking more about Geoffrey. Tony wrapped his arms around Angela as she continued talking.
"After Geoffrey proposed, Tony, you told me the story of you and Marie and how you feel these things and you don't think these things …. Um, Tony, I suppose you already know this, but no, Geoffrey didn't meet my 'automotive needs.'" Angela looked up at Tony who was smirking down at her acknowledgement.
"Oh, so you did get what I meant then? You never let on, Angela." "Toooonnny!" Angela said in surprise in her high-pitched voice. "I didn't think you should be asking me that kind of a question. We were – are – best friends, but I didn't want to talk to you about that part of my relationship with Geoffrey. You already knew more than I wanted you to after we ran into each other that night at The Fairfield Inn. But since we're coming clean tonight, you might as well know this. Besides, I would think that by now you already know you're the only one who meets my - em-hmm – 'automotive needs.'" Then Angela pointed at her mid-section for emphasis, causing Tony to chuckle and caress her stomach.
"Okay, Angela, I'll give you that one." Tony bent down to kiss her forehead again. He hugged her more tightly, too before adding his own confession to how Fred and Ginger made him feel that night. "You're right, Fred and Ginger got to me. They stopped me in my tracks at the wedding and made me question how two people so different could make it as a couple. I'm sorry I made you feel rejected. By the way, you weren't convincing when I asked you if you agreed with them. I recognized the uncertainty in your voice. I missed dancing with you the rest of the night, and I missed being close to you. It was hard to watch you dancing with him. I missed taking you home that night. The wedding reception wasn't the same after that," Tony added regretfully.
"Tony, I made the next mistake in this cycle. After I spoke to Dr. Bellows, I came home knowing how I felt about you. I almost told you that afternoon before Samantha came in and interrupted us. I have to take responsibility for the miscues, too, but that doesn't excuse everything with your rejection because there were many more moments and miscues and … until we got to the Brooklyn carnival," Angela acknowledged.
"Before we talk more about this topic, and I agree with you that we should talk more about this, Angela, I thought of something I'd like to try."
"Hmm?" she asked as her concentration was broken.
Can you please sit up for a moment? I want to try something with this blanket."
After Angela sat up out of Tony's arms, he crawled to the end of the blanket and lifted it up. He took two piles of sand and crafted them into big pillows. Then he replaced the blanket over the two solid mounds and presented the sand "pillows" to Angela and invited her to lay down on her back. Tony joined her once he was certain Angela was comfortable. They were able to lay comfortably holding hands while looking up at the sky to see all the millions of stars shining for them in the sky. It was still a beautiful evening with the stars shining and the ocean waves crashing in distance.
"Tony this is a great idea," Angela marveled as she looked up at the perfectly clear sky. "It's a beautiful sky tonight."
Angela started with the next incident in her description of how Tony had rejected her over their nine years together. None of it was easy to talk about, but it needed to happen before fusing their lives together the next night.
"Tony, then came my birthday night. I was mortified when I found out what I had blurted out in my sleep and that you had heard what I said the night before. That the whole house heard me. But you came to find me at Joe's Tiki Bar and you still couldn't tell me what your feelings were towards me. You gave me that weird speech and asked if I'd ever been to Dubuque. I gave you an opening, and you still didn't tell me. We went back to the status quo – again. And that was right after the most incredible, special prom night you gave me. It was obvious we had feelings for each other that night. I've already told you that you could've carried me upstairs, and I wouldn't have stopped you."
"Angela, I was still worried about changing our relationship. You were still my boss, and the kids were still so young. I was so worried about what would happen if things didn't work out for us. Okay – I was chicken," Tony blurted out. Angela took Tony's confession in as she remembered her mother bucking like a chicken after Tony's appendectomy as she called Angela a chicken, too. "Being chicken is also part of our journey," Angela said. "We were both worried about ruining our friendship and the relationships we had built with the kids." Angela commented knowing they both played a part in that.
They stopped talking for a little while so Tony could get them something to drink. They also took some time after their beverages to lay back down again to look at the stars and hold hands. Neither wanted anything to come between their intimacy and discussion. Taking this respite helped both regain their sense of confidence in baring their souls to each other. There was a lot more to come.
Angela continued to provide Tony with times she felt he rejected her. "Before our first date – I mean second date -, we spent time in St. Louis in that hotel room after you played in the Old-Timers game. Tony, you had the perfect opportunity to say something to me – to do something after we got back that night after dinner. But all we did was watch The Way We Were and go to sleep. And once again, we were in the same bed. Do you even know how difficult that was for me? Being so close and not being able to do anything more than lay across that bed with all that space and air between us?"
Tony tried to provide some background and context for his thoughts and feelings at this point in their relationship. "Angela, I was so confused back then. Look, if I'm starting from the beginning, I started having feelings for you on the drive home in the van after you helped me clean out my father's apartment. I was so vulnerable then, and you came to help me when my own family and friends didn't even do that. Our conversation was so relaxed that I didn't mind revealing my feelings about my father and what it felt like to close up his apartment for the last time. I wasn't supposed to feel like that about you. You were my boss, and not for a very long time yet either."
Tony went on as Angela listened to him. "I'll say that it wasn't easy for me to lay with you on that bed either in St. Louis. I knew how I felt about you, but I didn't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. We had the kids to think about. And Angela, you were still my Boss! We'd already gone through the stress of trying to get the neighbors to stop spreading rumors about us. I had just started college, we were dealing with Jonathan's new interest in girls, specifically, Heather, we had so much going on. Then Brian Thomas showed up and I found out you had been married to him, too. I didn't know what to think. I saw another side of you I'd never seen before. And then you bought me the Jeep for my birthday. Wow, Angela, no one had ever gotten me a gift like that before. But Angela, giving up my van was more than just selling it to someone else. Angela, it was saying 'goody-bye' to Marie and Brooklyn – my old life, and saying 'hello' to you and to Connecticut permanently. Marie … I felt so guilty, Angela. She was my first love, Samantha's mother. I wasn't sure I was ready to give up Marie – again. I never ever thought I'd fall in love again – and especially not with someone like you. You can't help who you fall in love with as we both discovered," Tony pondered.
Angela interrupted Tony's thoughts. "Tony, we'll get back to that comment soon, but we need to talk about what happened next."
"Yeah, Angela," he said as he moved his head down to reach the top of Angela's head knowing what was coming next in this conversation. By this time, they had both sat up again, and Angela had already moved back into Tony's arms.
"Jamaica," was all she had to say in a low, controlled voice.
Angela heard Tony exhale at the mention of Jamaica. There had been so many times after that night he'd regretted not taking their relationship further that night, especially after what happened the following spring.
"Tony, you rejected me that night on the bench telling me we had to be married before you'd go to bed with me. I understood. I wanted you so much that night," Angela said dejectedly, "but I understood your reasons for waiting – wanting to discover who you were and what you were doing in the future. I told you I'd wait. I was still in shock that you had thought about marriage between us, but I was trying really hard to respect your decision. But you obviously didn't tell her the same thing! You didn't even know herfor long! And you just went to bed with her! Why her? What did she have that I didn't? You didn't marry herfirst. You told me you didn't know if it was over with her. I gave you an out then, too, even after the worse rejection of my life." Every "her" was spat out by Angela adding more emphasis about how she saw this woman coming between them and how angry she really had been.
"Angela, I heard you crying at night. To this day, I don't know what happened. Deep down I knew I had betrayed you. I know what we talked about in Jamaica. In our unspoken roundabout way, we had told each other exactly how we felt. You don't talk about marriage unless you love the person you're talking about marriage with. We had gotten good at that, hadn't we," he asked her rhetorically not expecting an answer.
"Tony, we got too good at it," Angela reflected sadly. "Tony, it felt like everything I had ever thought we were moving towards was ripped out from under me. You told me you'd thought about us getting married MARRIED! I spent months crying myself to sleep … when I could even get to sleep … even when I was dating Peter and Andy. They were distractions while you dated … her. Then you met herfather telling me, 'It was no big deal.' It was a huuuuge, damned deal, Tony," Angela stressed angrily. "My stomach did flip flops when you said that in front of everyone. I felt you slipping further and further away from a relationship with me. I pretended it wasn't a big deal, but you bet your damned life it was a big deal. It affected the entire family – geez, Samantha went off to New Mexico to escape what was going on at home. I walked in one day after work to find you and her making out on my sofa!"
Angela suddenly broke down in uncontrollable tears as these memories flooded back into her mind, probing Tony, "why, why, why? "You risked the family we had built. You risked our friendship – you risked a future us. You risked everything to be with her." Tony knew how much he had hurt her thinking back as a single tear fell from his eye.
Tony gave Angela the space to grieve while holding her tightly and moving her hair away from her wet cheeks. He brought the box of tissues closer to her so she could reach them without moving out of his arms. She could feel him trembling with sadness, too. He'd never grieved for the hurt he caused her from his dalliance with Kathleen. "I didn't plan it that way. I was stupid. I was a jerk. I risked us. I risked our family. I didn't how to fix it all that next morning. I was so confused about everything. I thought she was simpler and dating her wouldn't cause our neighbors to spread rumors that would hurt the kids. I was stupid to think that. I can tell you that I was scared of us and how much in love I was with you. I can tell you that I was scared that we wouldn't work out being from such different backgrounds. I wasn't confident I could measure up to what you deserved." He listed out a long line of excuses he had thought about over the past few years, and yet none of them could answer why he stayed with Kathleen as long as he did.
They had talked briefly that night the Starlight Ballroom closed, but not to the depths they were talking now. They always seemed to move quickly from one event to the next never giving the event the respect it deserved and dealing with the place it had in their journey to this moment sitting on that blanket the night before their wedding.
"Then you came home the next afternoon and told me that you had broken up and mentioned it was because of 'things.' I knew I was the 'things' that you couldn't admit to. That's why I didn't break up with Andy, until …" she added and then stopped talking.
Tony picked up the conversation. "Ange, I couldn't come right out and tell you it was 'you.' You were so hurt already. The night before, Kathleen asked me to show her father a picture of Samantha." After all this time, Tony finally told Angela what had precipitated his and Kathleen's breakup. "While he was looking through my wallet, he saw a picture of you in there and questioned me about who the picture was of. I got quite the look and question about why I kept a picture of my boss in my wallet. I tried to pivot away from the subject, but it wasn't believable. I knew then what I know now, that you're the only woman that I wanted in my life. That it was only you that I loved, and I only wanted to be with you. I knew I had no excuse and that I'd let you down and I'd let us down. I knew I'd have to win you back and that it wouldn't be easy. But I committed to myself that day that I would. I didn't deserve your forgiveness, Angela, and you still forgave me." Tony hugged Angela and lifted her chin up so he could give her an appropriate kiss.
Ironically, at that very moment, the cassette switched on to a new song, I Promised Myself byNick Kamen. Tony and Angela sat on their blanket and listened to the words and realized the irony of the song playing at this moment in their conversation. It gave them the chance to take a deep breath and take in that they'd moved forward from this threatening period in their relationship.
I promised myself
I promised I'll wait for you
The midnight hour
I know you'll shine on through
I promised myself
I promised the world to you
I gave you flowers
You made my dreams come true
How many of us out there
Feel the need
To run and look for shelter?
I promised myself
That I'd say a prayer for you
A brand new tomorrow
Where all you wish comes true
I promised myself
That I'd make it up to you
My sister and brother
Know I'm in love with you
How many of us out there
Feel the pain of losing what was once theirs?
God I know what people say about her
No mistake, who can live without love?
How many of us out there
Feel the pain of losing what was once theirs?
God I know what people say about her
No mistake, who can live without love?
I promised myself
I promised I'd wait for you
The midnight hour
I know you'll shine on through
I promised myself
I promised the world to you
I gave you flowers
You made my dreams come true
In the midnight hour
I will wait for you
I will wait for you
I will wait for you
In the midnight hour
I will wait for you
I will wait for you
I will wait for you
"Thank you for bringing Billy into our lives," Angela whispered when the song concluded. "Not only did he make me realize how much I wanted another child, but he broke the ice between us and helped push us back together again."
"Angela, I obviously didn't do it on purpose, but, yeah, he did help bring us slowly back together again. Fate intervening again for us."
"Before we talk more, let's walk off some of this food?" Tony suggested to Angela. They left what was remaining of their food along with their beach shoes on their towel and walked down to the shores of the beach. They walked along the water as low tide came in and they were able to get further down by the water. It was much easier to walk along the water-flattened sand so they took a nice long walk before going back to their blanket. There were no words shared aloud, but both were thinking deeply as they walked. They listened to the water washing ashore making it to their legs at certain areas of the beach. At one point, Tony stopped and drew a heart on the sand with his toes. Angela watched and smiled as he added an "A" and a "T" inside the heart.
Then they walked back to their blanket. They both needed another break from the intense conversation they'd just had. Angela got another drink of water and walked up to the bathrooms. When she came back, Tony went to use the bathroom.
Angela started the next part of their conversation. "Tony. There is another topic that's going to dig deep into us - we've got a flirting and jealousy issue that's followed us through these years."
The End – Chapter 19 of The Room, Unslept In – An Evening on the Beach, Part II
Chapter 20 coming soon – the end of An Evening on the Beach, Part III (it did need three chapters to work through all of this.
