Addendum 6.3 – "Savor the Veal 'pt. 4'"
May 1993 – Lake George, NY
Tony slowed his jeep up to the dirt parking lot siding the general store. Stiffly unfolding himself from the driver's seat, he made a pained stretch and stood with begrudging hands on his hips.
"Those long drives not as comfy as they used to be, huh, youngster?" an old man in denim overalls hollered from the porch.
Tony made a self-deprecating laugh, "You got that right." He shut the jeep's door and quicky lost his hobble as he neared the man.
"Robert Walker," the old man held out his hand. Tony took it.
"Tony Micelli."
Robert nodded, "Are you just passing through, Tony?"
"Kind of. I'm on my way home …but I came to see someone first."
"Oh? Who ya lookin' for?"
Tony squinted, "A man named Grant Paxton - my buddy said the phone book still had him listed here. You don't know him, do ya?"
Robert laughed, "Everybody knows Coach, young feller."
Tony's eyebrows twisted up, "Coach?"
"Yeah, he's the rowin' coach up at the high school."
"Rowing coach?"
"Yup, rowin', swimmin', runnin', skiin'… he's in charge of the whole sportsy shebang up there."
"No kiddin'?"
"Nope. Won so many dang trophies, they named the boathouse after'm." The man nodded to the right, and sure enough, Paxton's name was branded across the long side of the structure.
"Huh- How'd I miss that?"
"Well, you weren't lookin' for it," he smiled.
"I guess he's still a big shot, huh?" Tony drifted weakly.
Robert chuckled and patted Tony's shoulder as they both stared at the large, painted letters, "He sure is to a lot of people, there, Tony. But he's just a regular guy like us."
Tony shook his head, "If he's anything like I remember, I don't think he's like me."
Robert's gentle nature didn't quit. "Well, if's a powerful word… But don't sell yourself short."
Tony's eyebrows dropped as Robert's went up, "For one thing, you're both fit as a fiddle!"
Tony allowed a smile, "Thanks, Robert. Do you know where I could find him?"
"Oh, the crew's probably still on the lake, this time'a day. He runs 'em hard." Robert threw a nod to the side, "Just take this road to the right. You'll see it."
Tony pointed toward the inside of the store, "Ya know, I think I'm gonna hit the head first."
Robert laughed, "Yup, sounds like you're old enough to give the man another shot."
Tony shook his head and smiled, "Great," under his breath.
Tony walked through the grass toward the boardwalk. The late afternoon sun was sharpening, but plenty of clouds kept him from naturally squinting. Adults and teenage students in visors and shorts moved all around him, carrying clipboards, boats, and oars. He gravitated toward the docks where a few exuberant men in matching polos and whistles were crouching, jumping, and yelling loud enough to be heard from town, "Dig, boys, dig!"
The boats cut through the water with neither wobble nor deviance, and Tony stood less out of place in his jeans, boots, and t-shirt than with his mouth open, watching it all.
"Finish strong!"
The boys pushed hard and fast until they passed a line of buoys. One of the men ordered into a megaphone, "Good work! Alright; enough for today!" and applauded them in.
As the rowers slowed the boats to the docks and collected their gear, Tony watched from closer in as the megaphone man called to one of the kids. The kid got out and hustled over, and the man took off his sunglasses. Fit and tan in shorts and deck shoes, but it was Grant.
Tony bit down on his back molars and got even closer.
"Cade, your 2 and 3 are rushing the slide; it's dragging you. Make sure you're calling them not to overcompensate. Keep them steady. Trust the shell. Trust the water. You need that rhythm, alright?"
"Yes, Coach."
Grant patted the boy's shoulder, "Good man." The boy ran off to help his crew, and Grant straightened. He had just about gotten his sunglasses back up, when he made eye contact with Tony. Breathing visibly deeper, Grant stood and stared.
It took several seconds, but Tony took a deep breath of his own and started walking the rest of the distance toward him. Grant's frozen face met him a few steps in.
"Tony?"
A much less surprised Tony held his ground, "Grant."
"Is Angela alright?"
Tony made a quick frown, "Yeah, yeah she's fine."
Grant made a powerful exhale, "Oh, thank God." Swallowing and dropping his head for a second, his attention moved back to Tony. "Is she here?"
Tony went tight and blank, "No."
"I don't understand. What's going on?"
Tony let out a long breath and relaxed his face, "Do you have some time to talk? If not now, maybe soon?"
"You want to talk to me?"
Tony nodded.
Grant paused but then shrugged, "Yeah, okay. I need to make a phone call and put my stuff away. But say- in 15 minutes?"
"Sure. Thanks."
Grant nodded and turned away, slipping his sunglasses back over his frown.
"It sure is pretty up here," Tony remarked, looking out over the lake as they walked toward a nearby path.
"I know I don't want to be anywhere else."
Tony sighed, "Yeah, about that..."
Grant's eyes narrowed as Tony explained, "I wanted to talk to you about what you wanted before, with Angela. What she wanted with you. When she wanted it with you."
"Excuse me?"
Tony rolled his eyes, "Chill out. I don't mean that. I mean," he sighed again, "I mean, we're engaged, Angela and I."
Grant's head tilted back ever so slightly.
Tony kept going, "We have been, for like a year and a half. But some things got brought up and," he sighed again and looked at Grant with sheer hopelessness. "What happened with you two?"
Grant countered pointedly, "Why aren't you asking Angela this?"
"I need to. I want to. I'm going to… just as soon as she starts talking to me again."
Grant rolled his eyes and threw another backward nod, "I see." He let out a quick, unamused laugh, "Fuck." He looked out at the lake and shook his head, "I was hoping she was okay."
"She is okay!" Tony glared, and Grant turned back to him.
"She's great!" Tony insisted again.
Grant held the stare.
Tony exhaled, "Okay, well, I mean, maybe not 'great'. I thought we were great. But I happened to talk to her ex-husband, who brought up you two… and it worried me!"
Grant took off his sunglasses and looked down at Tony. "Are you really that much of a fool?"
Tony's knee jerk glare returned but toned down as he thought.
With a belated shrug, Tony offered, "I must be. You're the second – no, third… fourth? – person who seems to think so."
Grant shook his head, "Tony, you don't get it."
"That's why I came to see you!"
Grant stopped walking and tilted a solid jaw down at Tony, "And why would I help you? Why should I think you're any better for Angela than her ex?"
Tony's mouth crunched tight, and he shoved his chin toward Grant's face, "Because I've loved her for 9 years-"
"And you've been engaged to her for a year and a half."
"I had a job in another state! I was trying to build up my résumé so I had something to offer her!"
Grant listened but didn't reply.
"Look! The only reason I'm askin' for your help is because what Michael told me about you two sounded a whole lot like the shit I'd pulled on my wife before she'd died. But Angela's not sorry," Tony's voice cracked, and his body started to shake with intensity. "That's not like her. I just want to know why."
Grant stood firm for several seconds, neither advancing nor retreating.
Finally, he spoke low, "I've never cared to explain my behavior to you. You're a hot-headed punk who refuses to see what's in front of him. But if you're stuck comparing what happened between me and Angela to whatever 'shit's' dragging the mea culpas outta you, I'll be happy to clear things up."
Grant turned and started walking down the lushly lined dirt path, and Tony started breathing again. He didn't say a word as Grant decided what he wanted to say.
"Let me tell you something, Tony, when it comes to business, that woman is Darth fucking Vader. No one gets passed her. She is precise, upfront, and serious as the dead. But when it comes to men, she doesn't have that same confidence, where she knows what she's protecting is worth defending."
Grant dropped his head before lifting it back to Tony, "Sometimes I think the only reason she held a line with me is because she knew I cared enough to listen to her. If I had been the same, despotic dick her ex was and kept pushing the limits she'd set with me, she'd probably still be with me today - unbearably miserable, if she were even still alive."
Tony squinted but didn't respond.
"She does not know that what she wants matters. So, she is going to be with someone who confirms what she already believes about herself and who is willing to squeeze and squeeze until there's nothing left of her." He stopped again and looked at Tony. "I was not going to be that guy."
Tony breathed.
Grant finished quieter, "So, tell me, Tony, why is she with you?"
"Hey! I'm not that guy, either!"
Grant waited.
"I love her, and I tell her so!" Taking a breath, Tony shrugged, "I just want to know why she'd do that when she was married - and why she still thinks she should've."
Grant blinked out at the lake and let out a long exhale.
Turning back to him, Grant said, "Alright. Because I care about her and what she says she wants," he waved his hand up and down at Tony, "I'm going to give you two inches of leeway, here. But, man, you'd better start listening, because I'm not going to explain it twice."
"I am listening."
"You're here talking to me because she won't talk to you. Clearly, you didn't pay attention to something. So shut up and listen, because I'm getting tired of babysitting your ass through the obvious."
Tony didn't rebut, but his face stayed tight. Grant finally sighed and turned to walk again. Tony followed. After several seconds of nothing but scuffed dirt and crunching foliage, Grant smiled to himself, bringing it to Tony.
"I met her in '76." He gave a little laugh, "My company was acquiring hers, and we'd been in negotiations for months. Their partners were adamant about sponsoring a few of their employees into executive roles, and wanting to keep things smooth, we had every intention of accommodating. But Marc Joliet, one of the partners, and one of most respected names in the industry, came in with Angela's file."
Grant scoffed, "We thought it was a joke. A 25 year old girl? Really? Even with an MBA from Harvard, I was still pretty reserved. I wasn't flushing my company down the toilet just so Marc could have his shits and giggles on the way out."
He smiled, "But he pitched her with a completely straight face and undeniable empirical stats. I wasn't going to lose this deal, even if our team had to limp through some personnel issues for a while. So, we agreed. But then he brought her in." He laughed, "I was like, 'Holy shit! This can't be real!'"
Tony finally broke a smile of his own.
Grant's smile softened, "Then, she started talking. She gave us her schpeel, which was good," he shrugged, "but could've been rehearsed bullshit, so I wasn't swayed. So, we laid into her. Tony, that girl answered our questions, and came back with ones for us. She didn't have a lot of experience, but she understood the experience she had. She was present and focused, and I knew this was not going to be a problem." He tipped up an apologetic half-smile, "At least on the business side of things."
Tony's eyes started to narrow.
Grant shrugged, "I was in the middle of an exhausting separation, and actually, Angela reminded me of my wife, from early on in our relationship. She was smart and fun to be around, conscientious, making us look good."
"Now, I'd kept my distance from her, but, I admit, I was intrigued. And I'd stayed away from the water cooler talk, too, not wanting to tip my hand. But the shittier things got in my divorce, the less… restricted my thinking about her became. I was bitter, and she was hot."
Tony's jaw tightened, but he didn't say anything.
"I felt a little bad about it when she'd informed HR that she'd gotten married, but I wasn't bringing anything to her attention, and surface level, we were fine."
Tony sucked in his breath.
Grant went on, seemingly undeterred, "But she wasn't the typical fantasy. The woman never let up on her work, and I knew I could count on her. It was frustrating."
"She and I never talked about anything personal, unless it had to do with work schedules, and even then, it was minimal, leaving plenty to the imagination – and I would. But her story didn't make sense. She was a beautiful woman, smart as a whip, young and fiery, polished and professional. But any time she'd bring up her husband and conflicting work schedules, it was like talking to a nervous teenage girl. I didn't know what to make of it."
"She'd brought him to a couple office parties, and he was exactly like I'd expected: the typical, too-cool-for-you boyfriend who couldn't wait to leave his girlfriend's family function. I really didn't feel bad about those second glances after I saw who she was putting up with."
"There was this one week, we were stacked, and Angela waltzes into my office and says she's dropping everything so she can go see Michael get an award. I was like, 'What the fuck!?' That wasn't her - how she normally was. She cared about our success. I know it! She was a professional! And there she was, stammering and clearly trying to make excuses for that shithead who hadn't given her more than two minutes' notice. I was so mad that she'd let him do this to us – to her! She could be so much more than she was being."
The fire from Grant's eyes died down, "But as she stood there, falling all over herself, trying not to reveal the obvious - that her relationship was a joke – man, my heart went out to her, even in how ticked I was. She was scrambling around, trying to make everybody happy, like that were possible." He shrugged, "So, I ate that one, and let her conduct her meetings by telephone."
"But that first one, she was scattered and unprepared. The clients were livid, my people didn't know what to make of it, and there she was, stuttering to me again - all this irrelevant crap to get me off the trail. Man, I let her have it. As capable as I knew her to be, there was nothing I could do if she were going to let her personal life derail her like that."
Tony flicked acknowledging eyebrows up and down.
Then Grant started grinning, "Well, her second meeting was the next day, and that woman brought it. She couldn't have done it better in person. That's the Angela I knew. Things went so well, I marched right back to my office and called to congratulate her. She's a spitfire when she wants to be, when she's got someone holding her accountable and expecting her to be nothing less than the star she is."
Tony's eyes glanced around.
Then Grant's jaw set, "Anyway, a couple days later, she calls me and tells me, 'Michael got hurt' and that she has to stay with him for at least a week. I couldn't believe it! One second, she's the best our firm has to offer, the next, she's a simpering, tail-tucked teenager who doesn't give a shit how much we have riding on her. And then, she had the audacity to suggest I fire her if I didn't like it. I was so mad, I could barely see... The only thing that kept me tethered to the planet was how she'd said it."
Grant stopped and looked Tony in the eye, "She called me by my name."
Tony's brows scrunched.
"She'd never done that before; she'd always addressed me as 'Mr. Paxton' or 'sir', but never 'Grant'. I didn't know why she did it, but I wanted a chance to find out. I knew I was being immature and unprofessional, but I didn't care. My ex had just gotten remarried, and not too far beneath the surface, I was basket case. And Angela was in a weird situation."
Grant sighed, "I know this sounds corny, but… I wanted to know if she was reaching for me. For help, for sex, both? - I didn't know, but it shut me up, I can tell you that."
Tony's eyes were now squinting, but Grant got even quieter.
"It felt like one second, we were a couple thousand miles away and I was ready to ax her, and the next, she was naked and vulnerable, her face inches from mine, and she was wanting me to know it. I wasn't even breathing anymore. I think she hung up. It was such a small thing… but it wasn't."
He shrugged and returned them to walking, "I didn't bring it up and neither did she. Pretty soon, we both got back into the same pattern we'd been in. She was fantastic at work, but every once in a while, she'd get skittery and tense for no reason I could see. I bitterly filed that away as Michael's influence," he squinted, "but found myself wanting to protect her. A lot."
Tony looked up to watch Grant as he explained.
"She seemed so lost, and quite frankly, unattractive, outside her work. I'd make sure she had bigger accounts, just to keep her busy, happy… productive? - and she rocked them all. I'd build her up, buying treats for 'the office', and making sure she got first dibs."
Grant set his jaw, "I made it my business to shut down any jealous-ass, negative conversation about her that arose. It was baseless, but I think my reactions were more aimed at Michael than our co-workers. It pissed me off. They were doing the same thing to her that he seemed to be, and it was wrong."
He looked hesitantly down at Tony. "I know all this sounds obsessive, but it felt like a very small percentage of my day," he shrugged. "We had work to do, and we did it well."
Grant made a sticky swallow, "But then one day I was working at my desk, and I heard this loud bang from Angela's office, next to mine. No other sounds followed. So, I got up to go see if she were okay, and I found her standing by her desk, staring at our shared wall."
Tony's brows scrunched again.
"I had to ask her a couple times, and when she finally snapped out of it, it was like I'd pulled her from a trance or something. She kind of stuttered out a reply, that she was fine-" he rolled his eyes and shook his head, "of course. Obviously, she wasn't. I didn't know what the hell was going on, but it had Michael written all over it. And again, I know it's probably a ridiculous stretch, at least outside the subconscious, but it was like that disgruntled bang was her reaching out for me."
Grant shuddered a breath and squinted away from Tony.
"She came into my office a few minutes later, telling me she needed to go home. Normally, this stuff with Michael got me riled up, but I didn't even care about him at that moment."
He turned back to Tony, "She was pale and shaky, Tony, functioning like she was barely in the room with me."
Grant closed his eyes, "Fuck, I'd wanted to hold her so badly… But I was her boss. All I could do was nod and tell her she could go." He sniffed and wiped angrily at his nose.
"That was her birthday…" He started to walk again. "Man, the fantasies picked up big time after that. It was such a pull: part of me dying to make her feel better, the other part, dying to make me feel better."
Tony's face stayed still but his eyes looked for grounding.
Out of nowhere, a genuine smile came to Grant's face. "Well, the very day after that 'bang', she wasn't wearing a ring, and she'd taken the wedding photo off her desk."
Grant made purposeful eye contact with Tony, "Yes, I noticed."
Tony didn't say anything.
"I was stoked," he grinned. "But I didn't know what to do with it. Things were obviously sensitive, and I didn't want to scare her off. So, I tried to be available and smile - you know, all the careful things guys stalking a rebounder do."
Tony's eyes narrowed, and Grant gave an acknowledging flick to his brows.
"I finally got my chance one night, and I took it. I'd invited her to work late, and we were talking." He laughed loudly, "She's a lot of fun to be around…"
Then Grant's face twisted sharply, "-Damn it! What the hell is Michael's problem!?"
He took his time catching his breath while Tony watched. "Anyway, I circled my way in closer, and she was agreeable. I don't know if she was looking as consciously for it as I was, but I do know she was as desperate for what she didn't have. I didn't know the details, just that something was very wrong. And I wanted to make it better - for both of us. I'd been waiting years for that."
Grant chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, "I guess in my excitement, I came on a little strong, and we had to- come to a mutual agreement about how we were going to proceed."
Grant gave Tony a side eye. "And then you came into the picture. …Man, you were not my favorite person." He laughed, and Tony cracked a smirk.
Grant put out a hand, "To be fair, when we met, that wasn't my best moment." Then he turned toward Tony, pleading eyebrows up. "But I'd finally gotten her alone again, and you come in – without a fucking shirt on - and literally pulled me off of her!"
Tony allowed a full laugh to escape, "Good times."
"Fuck you," Grant breathed through a half-honest grin.
Tony's unapologetic smile eventually dropped to normal.
Another side eye later, Grant continued, "Well, with help or not, it sure took us longer than I wanted to make 'us' happen. And when it did, it didn't last near long enough. We ran into some big problems." He scoffed and shook his head, "There I was, wanting to show her how not to get treated like shit and at the same time, wanting to take what I wanted and nothing else."
Grant took several seconds to himself, but he kept walking, "She filled in the blanks for me that weekend, Tony. She told me-" he took a shaky breath. "She wasn't even telling me everything, but the general idea was a solid confirmation of all my concerns, and then some."
He turned toward Tony, "That loud bang? She'd disconnected from herself somehow, and her body had thrown a stapler at the wall after a phone call from Michael. She didn't even know she was doing it at the time! That's some fucking psycho voodoo! Point blank, Michael did not care how much he hurt her. He'd been a thorn in my side for years - poaching the productivity of my best employee, crushing the spirit of the woman I'd come to care about…" Grant's tense face twisted into a snarl, "but I'd hated him after I saw her describe her life." He let out a quick breath, "My God, Tony, I never wanted to let her out of my sight."
Grant shook his head and whispered, "I was such a fool."
Tony squinted.
"I still couldn't see past my own nose. I wasn't in the place where I could deal with raising more kids. I just-" Grant popped up those pleading eyebrows again, "I thought I was cursed. I don't know how else to describe it, but I really thought I had ruined my kids. My ex didn't dissuade the delusion, either. I thought I was just selfish, and that's the way it was. My parents certainly thought so. I didn't want to be around kids, because apparently, they brought it out worse in me, and I was getting pretty resentful of them, as a species, in general."
Tony's clearly confused face tilted.
"See, when I was with my ex, everything I'd tried to do as a dad was squashed or criticized, belittled or mocked – she was bitter as hell for having to drop out of college when I got her pregnant. And I guess I can see that… She'd wanted to be a journalist." He sighed and shrugged, "Well, the kids became her territory, and I became the dumbfuck dad."
He smiled sadly at Tony, "Honestly, it gave me a pass, too. Raising kids is hard. And this way, I didn't have to deal with any of it. I came to a few of my kids' events over the years, but mostly, I just brought home a paycheck - which my whole family just assumed was a gift from the mailman. I didn't think I had anything else good to give anyone, and I had no interest in figuring it out." He shrugged, "It was restrictive, but inexplicably comfortable."
Tony turned his gaze in front of them as Grant continued to explain.
"Well, when Angela said she wanted to give marriage another try, I was crushed. She wasn't pushing me; she knew where I stood. But I didn't see any way out of it! I'd wanted her badly, Tony."
Tony looked back up at Grant's imploring face.
"But I couldn't deal with a real relationship and her having a kid! Home and family, that was where I fucked things up!"
Then Grant tilted his head back and forth, "Okay, after fully realizing what I'd be giving up, I was ready to be as exclusive as she wanted, as long as I could be as uncommitted as I wanted." He shook his head and closed his eyes, "I was still out for me and what I'd needed to feel better."
"Fortunately, she knew that would hurt her. She knew that would hurt her kid." He looked at Tony again. "I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do it to my own kids, but I'd done it! I just had no idea how to get out of this. Well, she knew, and she tried to let me down easy."
"But it wasn't easy for her, and it wasn't easy on me. ...I made her cry, Tony."
Tony's eyes narrowed just a little.
"After all my inflating self-talk about how much better I'd be for her than Michael, I made her cry. I hated myself for that. I wanted to give her what she wanted."
Grant's eyes died, and he looked out in front of him as they walked, "After I dropped her off from our weekend up here, I went to my apartment, put my fist through a wall, and spent the night sobbing underneath it. I couldn't believe it. All those years of wanting her like I did, and I couldn't hack it. I had screwed things up with yet another woman, and once again, I was all alone."
Grant sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "But you know something, Tony? She did an amazing thing for me when she did that. I watched her give up something she'd wanted for her own good. She'd wanted us as badly as I did, and she was in a terrible place at the time, so fragile… But she stood up stronger than I'd ever seen her. Man, it was inspiring! That was hard for her. She could've had me whenever she wanted me - fuck, I would've been at her complete beck and call - but that isn't what she wanted. She wanted a 'forever' relationship with someone."
Tony's head whipped toward Grant.
"And as badly as she'd wanted it to be me, she knew I wasn't in the place to handle it. She'd just escaped a marriage where they'd spent years lying so they could stay together, and I guess the wounds were fresh enough to keep her honest. I'd wanted her to lie so badly, Tony. We would've had the best time – until we hated each other and her kid, too."
"His name's Jonathan," Tony said quietly.
Grant matched his resigned smile, "Right. Jonathan. Anyway, I'd just moved up to chair the Board, and Angela had taken over as president. I'd been thinking we could have had these great getaways… fantasizing about being some Wallace & McQuade power couple – damn, I was an ass."
"When she'd successfully convinced me that we should just quit while we were ahead, I was still left with this hole. At work. In my life. I realized how much of the time I'd spent thinking about her, planning on being with her. It had taken up a whole lot more of my headspace than I'd ever realized. And it wasn't just that the job wasn't anywhere near as rewarding without this person I'd come to lean on for everything. It was the strict, 'no'. She was right there, wanting me as badly as I was wanting her, and I still couldn't have her. It was-" Grant sucked in his breath. "It was terrible. I had to get out of there."
"So, I resigned, took my retirement, and planned to move up here permanently. I tried to get as unattached to as many women as I could and made a considerable dent in the population."
Tony laughed to himself.
Grant looked at him, "Yeah, well, it wasn't funny. I was running from her."
Tony's smile left but he nodded.
"Then that snowstorm hit."
Tony's brows scrunched.
"It was the next February, and I'd been staying in the city. I was trying to get up here, because my groundskeeper had called and told me my pipes had frozen. So, I was rushing around from the airports to the heliports, trying anything to get up here, fast. The blizzard was so bad, you could barely see a few feet in front of your car, and traffic was stopped. So, I tried to gain some ground by picking up a slug and riding the HOV lanes back to Manhattan." He let out an unamused laugh, "Damn it all, Tony, of all the people in the city I could've picked up, I got Michael."
Tony's mouth dropped open.
"Exactly. Well, blood, sweat, and tears were had before we'd made it through the tunnel. That guy is messed. up. …He talks about her like she's a 2-bit, weekend toy."
Tony's eyes darted to the side.
"He was bragging like a junior higher to his buddies and acting like she just existed to pleasure him."
Tony stopped breathing.
"It would've been sick if he were talking about anyone, but her? I went nuts. I guess, it's not like anyone wouldn't be alarmed to find out his soon-to-be-but-not-yet-ex had slept with someone else. But he wasn't at all concerned with her, what she'd been through, what he'd done to her, why she'd wanted to leave him – the fact that she'd already filed for divorce and just needed his signature. It was all about this act that had supposedly been done to him. And he still wanted to use her-"
Then he shrugged, "...Well, I don't know what else; he was confusing. I don't know all that was driving that rage, but he'd started off gloating about the competency of his tongue and ended by screaming and slicing my seat open with a fucking knife. I'm not saying he didn't love her, who knows how those things get twisted, but heads up," he made eye contact with Tony, "I could easily see how Angela could be skeptical of anyone trying to use those words to cover their tracks."
Tony exhaled and rubbed his palms down his chest. Grant's gaze went back to the path in front of them.
"Well, he figured out pretty quickly that I did, too, and that's what really tipped him over the edge. If you love someone, and they love you, who cares who else loves them? But he knew, even with them trying to get back together, that they were just going through the motions, and someone else loving her was a threat." He sighed, "And I'd wished it weren't an empty one."
Tony looked at him sharply.
"Anyway, as soon as he got out of my car, I called Angela."
Tony stopped breathing again, and Grant looked him in the eye.
"I wasn't trusting him, and I'd suggest you don't, either."
Then Grant looked back to the path, "Unfortunately, this one was true. She didn't want to tell me she'd gone back to him because she knew I knew exactly how bad he was for her, and she was embarrassed that I'd think she was weak." Grant sighed and shook his head, "She really is hard on herself."
Tony looked down, and Grant stared at him until he looked back up, "Like, I hadn't been alone for years, and I'd never tried to 'make things work' with my ex? Please. Who hasn't? It's the most logical avenue. Your house is ready. Your family's ready. Your finances are ready. Your body's certainly ready. It's just easier, and when things are that hard, convenience can seem… necessary."
Tony's eyebrows dipped up.
With a quick tilt to his head, Grant went on, "Well, I didn't say all that to Angela, but I wish I'd have thought of it. Maybe it would've taken some of the shame off her… especially since I went ballistic on her." He sighed, "I did try to pull her out of that dark place, but, as always, when she's under Michael's spell, she's changed; she's closed off, not saying a word..." He sighed again, "And I guess I added to that. …Damn it." He shook his head.
"Then I made the mistake of telling her the truth, that I missed her, and she ended the call pretty quickly."
Tony nodded but didn't say anything.
Grant looked at Tony, "The next and last time I heard from her was the following afternoon. She called me here at my house."
Tony's eyes narrowed.
"She beat around the bush for a while, but what she really wanted was to know why it wouldn't work with us. So, I told her I'd just end up disappointing everyone, and… well, the same thing she was trying to get me to understand before: that we didn't want to end up with all of us even more hurt than we already were. I understood she couldn't be with me, but she didn't understand why Jonathan were a problem if I- …well, basically, if I loved her."
Tony watched Grant's face closely.
"The worst part was, I did. And I still couldn't hack it…"
Grant took a deep breath, "So, I ripped myself away, but not before we had an excruciating trip down memory lane... That broke me. We wanted each other as badly as we ever did, and I still didn't feel good enough. I was too scared to try, and I felt like a fucking coward."
Grant stopped and looked squarely in Tony's eyes.
"Tony, she's been through hell. Would you please be gentle with her? She didn't want Michael anymore. She just went back to him because she was scared and hurting. But he'd been gone for months, with no return date planned, and a 'fuck you' kiss goodbye. Did you really expect her to just wait him out? Maybe this time he'd treat her well? Is that your experience with him? It isn't mine. She tried to be responsible, but there was no way to get a hold of him. Do you really hold her to that high of a standard – if you could even call that high? You could call waiting for him to come back - however many years that could be – as being extremely irresponsible with herself. I may not have known she'd filed when I made my first move on her, but she knew. Tony, she tried. What do you want from her? What do you want from you?"
Tony answered in a whisper, "I don't know."
Grant didn't match Tony's quiet. "Well, if you don't want to drag both of you down, you need to realize some things."
Tony's brows scrunched while Grant popped a finger up in front of his face.
"1. You've got to realize who she is; realize who you were given: a beautiful woman who's loyal, brilliant, forbearant, and strong as fuck. And you've got to be grateful for her – like, sobbing alone in your closet grateful – because you know what she means to you; you know who you are without her."
Tony's head dropped.
Grant stepped closer in, keeping his sharpness and volume, and Tony lifted his head. "And 2. – and this is the hard one – you've got to humble your punk ass and believe you're worth such a gift. If you won't do that, you're going to spend the rest of your time together hurting her and bringing her down, so you don't feel bad about the discrepancy. You cannot operate from a position of weakness."
The tension from Tony's annoyed face started to relax into consideration even as Grant moved to a shout.
"Man up, Tony! That's how you have something to offer her - not a fancier job in another state - and that's how you're not going to be just taking whatever you can get. Break out the same humility that got you on one knee in the first place, and know you had the strength to do that because no matter your posture, you're a man and you're standing. You had the confidence to know you could've stuck your nose in the air, but you were choosing not to. She's worth yielding to, and you are worth her. Fucking act like it!"
Not taking the bait of volume, Tony simply asked, "How do you know I'm worth her?"
Grant took a half step back and quieted himself, "Anyone who's willing to be honest is worth someone willing to do the same. You're here, trying to find the truth. Go with that."
Tony shrugged, just as softly as before, "How do I know she's willing to be honest with me?"
"You don't; but at least invite her to. Then take it as it comes. Nobody's naturally going to be honest; we're all trying to protect ourselves. But we also all want other people to give a shit. If Angela agreed to marry you, she wants to be close to you. But for fuck's sake, don't scare her or make fun of the stuff she tells you. You can't disregard it, and you can't use it against her. If you do, you'll have a hell of a time trying to get her to do it again. And if she won't, you're screwed. You two have nothing together if you can't be honest."
A weird movement twisted up Tony's face and it took him several seconds to respond.
"…I didn't actually… get on one knee... and ask her-"
Grant's eyes narrowed.
Tony wiped his hands down his face, "I don't know why I'm telling you this. You already think I'm a douche." His eyes braved a glance up at Grant's, "But, I guess, taking a swing at this honesty thing?" He sighed, "…Her mom talked me into asking her."
Grant was now in a full-on glare.
"When Angela found out that, not only was it not my idea, but that I wasn't even thinking I'd ask her unless someone else had suggested it, she gave me her mom's ring back. I asked her again, but it was pretty inconsiderate and not exactly," he waved toward Grant's past words, "'humble'. And I sorta begged her to accept so I could save face."
Grant crossed his flexed arms, but Tony kept going.
"She said she'd agree if it was a genuine request, but by that time, I was so twisted up in my own fake out that I couldn't say it was. So, I said no. Then I kinda started pouting and went into a tailspin."
Tony swallowed, and his voice got even quieter, "…The next thing I knew, she was on one knee, asking me."
"Damn it, Tony," Grant pinched the bridge of his nose. "I want to hit you so bad."
Tony closed his eyes, "Get in line."
Grant dropped his hand and tilted his jaw, "Did you know she talked Michael into marrying her, too? Pregnant."
Tony sighed, "I just found that out the other day."
"Tony, if you love her, would you please give her a different story?"
"I want to. I was just scared to death she was like me."
"Well, I don't know what you did, but from what I'm gathering, it doesn't sound like those two situations were the same."
"Yeah, but any possibility of that scares me!"
"Hell, yeah, it's scary! But if no one has the capacity to cheat, then what good is being faithful?"
Tony's brows scrunched.
"Tony, you have the ability to cheat on Angela. She has the ability to cheat on you. But you can still choose to risk it."
Tony didn't say anything, but he didn't look away, either.
"Temper that risk with honesty. Love her. Talk to her. Listen to her. Act like you Goddamn care. It's not a foolproof plan, but it's the best we've got." He put his hand firmly on Tony's shoulder. "And, Tony, it's good."
Tony sighed and made the tiniest eye roll, "No offense, there, Grant, but how would you know?"
Grant pulled up the back of his left hand and smiled confidently, "I married my housekeeper."
A huge laugh came out of Tony. Smiling harshly squinted eyes, he squeaked, "That's terrific!"
"Damn straight. Best decision I ever made. It's not like I'm the only one who could be interested in her, either. But we love each other. We have a family. We're not going anywhere."
"You have kids?"
"Yeah. She had kids. I had kids. Hers live with us, and mine visit."
Tony made a hesitant smile, "But I thought you were cursed."
Grant shrugged and smiled wider, "I was wrong. They're actually cool people, and I'm not a shitty dad."
Tony smiled bigger, too, and he added a nod, "I'm glad. And I'm glad you didn't find that out with Angela."
Grant's face got serious. "Me, too. I love Rebekah, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. But I do want Angela to be okay."
"She will be," he said and stuck out his hand. "Thank you, Grant."
Grant took it firmly. "Thank you for taking care of her. …You know, that's something I guess I can relate with Michael about."
"What's that?"
"That night I came in, and you threatened me with a baseball bat?"
"Yeah?" Tony's still-proud smile tipped up.
"When you know you're making a selfish advance, someone else's honest defense is damn threatening. Keep it up, Tony. She needs that."
