Addendum 6.4 – "Savor the Veal 'pt. 4'"

May 1993 – Palo Alto, CA

Even through her eyelids, the white-hot sun provided Angela blissful nirvana. "Mmm… Emily, this is the life," she said, drifting her fresh French manicure through the cool water by her hip.

Emily didn't bother opening her eyes either, but she still smiled. "I hope it's part of it, anyway."

The sleek, partially submerged lounge chairs of Emily's infinity pool comfortably propped the women into the early summer heat radiating off the Spanish design villa. Long Island iced teas sat at the ready, and Emily took a careful sip through perfectly made up lips.

Angela looked from her view of the bay to her gorgeous friend, "Well, it sure isn't making it easy to reenter my reality."

Emily shot back a teasing smile, "Angela Robinson, are you finally going to talk to me?"

Angela stalled, and Emily's grin became more obnoxious.

"You've been here almost a week, and all I've gotten is compliments."

Angela's brows dipped up, "I've been boring?"

Emily laughed, "Not boring. Close to the chest. We've been pampered, gone shopping, sightseeing, and biking along the cliffs, and you're still as stealth as you ever were."

"We've talked! We've been talking this whole time!"

Emily's lids dropped halfway, "I don't mean the surface level sweetness that made college bearable. I mean whatever part of your 'reality' you were in such a hurry to hide from."

The defense started to drop from Angela's face, and Emily put down her drink, "It's okay if you don't want to tell me, but I think you do."

Angela exhaled and looked down at her hand. She twirled the Cartier ring for which Tony had been determined to overextend himself, and then held it up for Emily to see. "I decided to try it your way and go after Tony."

Emily's face scrunched, "Ton- …you mean that delicious housekeeper!?" She laughed loudly, "Angela! You're marrying him!?"

Angela smirked.

"How's that going?"

"It was wonderful." Angela picked up her drink and flicked her head to the side, "Well, as wonderful a relationship as a 'close to the chest' person can have."

"'Close to the chest', and passive aggressive," Emily grinned.

"Look who's talking."

Emily lifted her glass in cheers, and Angela reciprocated dryly.

Emily sighed and looked out at the pool. "So, you didn't let him know what you really thought, and it's all blown up in your face?"

Angela's lips let go of her straw, "Well, I was going to complain about him, but I guess we could just get down to business."

Emily's head tilted softly, "What happened, Angela?"

Angela popped out the hand that wasn't holding her drink. "That! That's what I wanted! That right there! 'What happened, Angela?' I just wanted him to care about why I did the things I did, but he was so focused on the what."

"You tried to bring him into it? – whatever 'it' was?"

"Yes! But then everything just tumbled out of me, all this other stuff I'm so 'close to the chest' about. I dumped it right over all his unmitigated gall!" She blinked and then the words came out slower, "…just like I used to do to Michael."

Emily waited.

Angela closed her eyes and pressed back into the solid headrest. "I don't want another relationship like that." She looked over at the still compassionate face of her friend.

"I don't think I'm consciously afraid to tell him that I don't like something he's doing." She thought for a second. "Am I? …Mostly, I just consider any infraction against my wishes to be an allowable amount unless – or until - it's intolerable."

Emily tipped a half smile, "But it's not. Is it?"

Angela tossed her hand up, "Not only isn't it, but in this set-up, I tolerate even the intolerable. By the time it gets that bad, I've already coached myself into shutting up so that that is the very culture of my mind!"

Emily squished her lips in thought, "So… such infractions increase in both frequency and magnitude until you're ready to leave. And you, the perpetually voiceless, get to call that shot."

"Oh, my God!"

Emily sighed and made a flat smile into Angela's extremely uncomfortable reality.

"But why would he push me so hard? I mean, Michael- he didn't really want to be with me. So, looking back, if he were abrasive, I'd understand. But Tony? The only reason he stayed where he was so long was because he wanted to be with me. He's been doing the hard part - all the unsung, sacrificial grunt work - since the beginning. He wasn't getting anything out of it, past a laborer's paycheck and a best friend. His humility, support, and restraint were captivatingly sexy. But the closer we became, the more jittery and condescending he did."

Emily's eyebrows popped up, but she didn't look surprised. "Maybe all that wasn't 'the hard part' to him."

"Maybe. That's when he…" Angela glanced down at the gentle water in which she was sitting.

This really does feel nice...

No! Angela, stay in this!

She made abrupt eye contact with Emily, and still, her voice came out small.

"That was when he picked someone else. He knew he could've had me. But our stupid cat and mouse thing was better than-"

"Safer."

Angela's throat instantly constricted. She didn't care. She didn't care that she'd played it safe, too.

"He really hurt me!" she squeaked. Tears covered her eyes and her face tightened. "I don't care if you or anyone could've predicted that! It was terrible. I haven't hurt like that in a long time, and I thought I was done hurting!"

Emily's face softened, "I don't think that's how it goes for any of us."

Angela put her elbows on her knees and pushed her fingertips up her forehead. She took a steadying breath, "Well, I tried to play it cool, but-"

"Wait," Emily's pointer finger went up. "Go back."

Angela's brows scrunched.

"You've just wrapped up all that pain in a few seconds. Don't go on. Don't go to the next thing. Sit there."

Angela's mind started to blank; she'd almost forgotten what they'd been talking about. That's a damn fine coping mechanism.

Emily's face stayed serious, "He really hurt you."

Angela held her stare, but her eyes rounded out and, slowly, she let them fill. With an inhale that was more of a gasp, another little voice made it out.

"I felt so exposed. Humiliated. I'd been waiting for him. Giggling all over myself whenever he was close by… The plans I'd made in my head. The plans we'd made together! It wasn't just some girlish fantasy of mine, and he had no idea. He did!"

Emily made a sad smile.

"We'd both been scared to death to mess up what we had, but here and there, that truth had still eked out of both of us. We couldn't hide it, and everybody knew. Everybody knew we were smitten with each other, even our kids! Then he comes back, openly dating this woman – 'Kathleen' - before I even get a shot? I was left with him acting like, 'So… I don't want this to be weird, but it's fine, right?'"

"That's really shitty."

"It's a bald-faced lie is what it is! He acted so indifferent. Like he knew enough that I might be sad, but he didn't know what could've caused it! I wasn't going to hold that up on my own! My ego was tapped out." She shrugged, "I tried to date a bit, but I didn't even like any of them. I wanted Tony. I wanted him to want me. And he did!"

Emily nodded, "Oh, he wanted you back when I came to visit. You're right; you guys were obvious." She sighed, "What a crap development."

Angela wiped her nose on her forearm and nodded, "He was so callous. It'd be one thing if all this were physical jealousy or whatever, but it's been deeper than that from the beginning. I haven't been that open with anyone from the get-go, since… well, maybe since I was a kid. I didn't have anything to lose with him, not even really wanting him to be my housekeeper. He did; he was desperate for that job. And he still refused to be a 'yes man'. I remember us yelling at each other his first day." She looked at Emily. "Can you imagine how much courage and integrity it took for him to be that stupid?"

Emily smiled.

"He didn't let me get away with anything – anything he saw as me downgrading myself - and it stumbled us into this environment where both of us were allowed to be as honest as we wanted to be. We were allowed to tell the truth, even if it came out clunky. You wouldn't believe how close we got. Years, we did that."

Angela face felt hot, and she looked out into the distance. "And I'd been trying all those years to get him to say he'd wanted me for more, even once." She shrugged, "I guess I thought if I could get that far, I knew I could keep him interested… but he wanted anybody but me."

"Angela, he wanted you. I was there. If he wasn't pursuing you, then he was restraining himself. That man was scared of something."

Angela's face flashed, "I don't care! 'That man' was no blushing bride, I can tell you that! His little black book was an inch thick, and well worn! Do you know what that felt like? That kind of rejection?"

Emily's eyebrows dipped up.

"After we'd say goodnight, downstairs or in the hall outside my room, I'd walk like a zombie to my bathroom mirror and pick myself apart." Angela sniffed and tipped up her chin, "We did a campaign for a lingerie company a couple years ago. When I got the proofs, I locked my office door so I could cry out the truth: that these were the type of women Tony wouldn't be able to 'restrain' himself from. We were best friends, Emily! He'd loved me in every other capacity, but not that!"

Emily didn't respond but kept listening.

"Every once in a while, we'd find ourselves being a little bit honest with each other, but it never stuck. The closest we got was when we agreed to wait. He needed a better handle on what he wanted to do with his life - and he was the one who'd brought up marriage. I was fine to move forward, right then and there, but he wasn't, and I considered his peace worth waiting for. So, we agreed. We were as content as we could be, I thought." Her eyes darted a bit, "I guess I did pretend to be a tad surprised that he was thinking about marrying me." She made a flat smile and whispered, "I was scared, too. My marriage to Michael had been a long one."

Taking a big breath, she continued, "But we'd decided: we were going to wait." She smiled and shook her bemused head, "But we still got closer, flirtier – we couldn't help ourselves." She shrugged, "It was just happening!"

Emily smiled brightly, and all joy left Angela's face.

"That's when he slept with Kathleen."

Emily's brows dipped up again.

"That's when I tried to let him off the hook. That's when he said he 'didn't know' if he were done with her. That's when I tried to make him jealous-" she lowered to a whisper, "…just like I'd done with Michael."

Emily still didn't say anything, but her eyes narrowed in concentration.

"It worked beautifully." Then Angela's voice hollowed out, and she stared at the pool. "Except that I still spent months crying myself to sleep. Except that I still walked in on them making out on my own couch. Except that now we're engaged, and we still haven't really talked about what happened." She spun her face toward Emily. "Except that I'm still furious that he'd even do that to me, and even madder that he'd brush it off when I did try to bring it up."

Angela's volume returned with a snarl, "…And then he has the audacity to suggest that I'm the ho!?"

"Huh?"

Angela waved her off, "Oh, last week, Michael got Tony all riled up about a man I was seeing before I could get our divorce finalized. Tony knew about the guy, but Michael did his best to help him remember. Well, Tony insisted that I admit I'd done Michael wrong so he could still feel okay about marrying me."

"Wow."

"Right!?" Angela pleaded. "It's like, 'Are you serious!? Do you not know me at all? You weren't there!'"

Emily shook her head, "Ouch."

"Well, in the process of this fantastic conversation, it all came out." She sighed and rolled her eyes at herself, "…like it always does with me. But it really needed to. That tryst with Kathleen was a-" she drifted off.

"A long time coming," someone finished for her until Angela realized she was still talking.

She blinked a couple times and then looked at Emily. "I think that was the finale of all our immaturity. I mean, he had no right to do what he did, not without talking to me first. And if he had," she swiped a knowing finger in the air, "I assure you, he never would've left the room." She shook her head in disbelief, "But lies are unstable. They're so comforting, until you realize what's been holding you up is smoke."

She quieted, "Ever since Kathleen, Tony's developed a superficial cruel streak. I know it isn't his deepest truth, because I know him. But he slashes me with it all the time. He acts disgusted with me, makes fun of me - more than just teasing," she shook her head, "as though it's coming from a deeply bitter place."

"Even just the other week, when he chose me over the professional opportunity of a lifetime, this cruel streak was just as bad as it ever was. I tried to bring it up, and he apologized, being the same softy I'd fallen in love with. But then he turned right around and did it again! And again. And again …There's something unresolved with us."

Emily's eyebrows twisted up, "Are you listening to this jumbled conversation, or just letting it out?"

Angela looked up and laughed out a smile, "I don't know. But, hey, I'm so glad to be here. I almost forgot I wasn't talking to myself again. That's what I'm used to."

"Girl, you've gotta stop that: keeping your life to yourself. That's your problem here. It gives Tony or Michael or whomever no right to retaliate and be abusive, but they do deserve the truth from you - in the moment, or as soon as you reasonably can."

Angela made a quick and nervous nod, "I never told Tony the truth in Iowa, that I was miserable."

Emily squinted again.

"I tried to hide it for months. I thought I'd have relief, going home to Connecticut, but it was just as bad there, being without him. He told me that his perfect job in Iowa by himself was worse than having gone through 4 midlife years of college just to continue being my housekeeper."

Emily popped out an empathetic lower lip.

"I was shocked and grateful, but I couldn't figure out why I couldn't cut it when it had been my turn to do the same."

She twisted her shoulders toward Emily. "Last year, I went to live with Tony while he was teaching at a junior college in Iowa. I spent months occupying myself with nothing I'm interested in, dying inside, waiting desperately for his term to be up. Then, when they wanted to sign him for 3 more years, I couldn't do it! We'd already tried to commute that far, and that had been a disaster. I couldn't be happy in Iowa, and I knew he needed to be there. So, I ended it. We spent two of the most miserable months of my life apart, and then Tony came home to me a few days ago. He showed up on my doorstep in a tux, his teaching award in his hands, claiming it wasn't enough, that he wanted me."

Emily squeaked.

"Yeah! It was more than sweet. It was serious and mature. I felt so loved and accepted and worthy, to be chosen like that."

Emily's smile nodded, "After you told him the truth. That you couldn't be in Iowa."

"No. After he came home-"

"After you told him the truth."

Angela blinked.

"Angela, you two were willing to yell at each other your first day together – to the extent that you could've lost each other – a significant risk, at least for him. Instead of being repelled by that, you were both wise enough to see its benefit."

Emily shrugged, "But somewhere along the way, you stopped that practice – my guess is somewhere around the time you each couldn't stand to lose the other. When you decided to bring out your brutal truth again, letting him know you were willing to lose him to tell that truth, that's when he remembered he couldn't let that happen. Paradoxically, your whole relationship actually makes a lot of sense."

Angela thought for a minute. She didn't like the thought of their story making sense. It was wrong. She felt herself hardening, "Is that justification for the 'crap development'?"

"Not at all. Just because something falls prey to its natural progression doesn't mean it's not wrong. You're saying you tried to make Tony jealous after he slept with that other woman, and that you did something similar to Michael. That's what happens when people try to deny that they're hurt. They get even, in one way or another. Their body makes tells the truth."

"He didn't care that choosing Kathleen hurt me! I was crying, and he looked at me like a statue!"

"You said you didn't talk about it 'till recently."

"Well, you'd think all the tears at the outset would've meant something to him! I couldn't hold them all back!"

"Why were you trying to?"

"Because he didn't know if he were done with the chick! I was already humiliated! We had kids involved! What was I supposed to say, 'Please don't be with her; be with me!? I love you? I've loved you for years, and if you even kiss her, it will break me in half!?'"

A compassionate smile was all Emily offered. "You said if he'd talked to you before he'd slept with her, he'd never have left the room. Why not afterward?"

"Because he left me all alone! I was so embarrassed! I started doubting everything - the way I looked, my understanding that he loved me – it all felt highly negotiable!"

"Yeah, that would be less painful than you putting your heart out there, without question, and Tony confirming, 'No, thank you; I'd rather have her'."

"He did say that!"

"He said he didn't know."

Angela started to speak, but no words came out.

"Your silent tears were the same thing as his 'I don't know'." Emily scooted back farther in her chair and turned her shoulders toward Angela. "What would've happened if you would've roared at the violation? Do you think he would've responded differently? You two spent years 'negotiating' your commitment to the truth, and now you're both wondering if you can trust the other with anything. Honestly, Angela, if you were 'fine' with him sleeping with someone else, when you both knew you belonged to the other, why would he feel safe with you? Again, it's not your fault he did that – that was truly base - but if it really weren't that big of a deal to you - enough for you to lash back and set him straight, even if you ordered him out of your house right afterward. But if you didn't even act like it was an injustice – you even tried to 'let him off the hook'…" she squinted, "What the fuck, Angela? How could that not confirm his own dishonesty where you two were concerned? You cheapened the loss, and therefore you cheapened the relationship. He should've had hell to pay for that! And you let him kiss her in your own house. That's your terrain - his lips, I mean - and you had a right to it."

"But I lied…" Angela's wheels turned.

Emily made a flat smile, "Don't get me wrong, if it were me, I'd be gutted, too. It's just-"

Angela's whole face scrunched as she nodded, "It hurt really badly! He was acting like he didn't want me, like there was no depth to the deepest friendship I've ever had, like I had no right to rebut. I was all alone! I didn't want to be the only one who cared!"

Emily's voice was soft. "I wouldn't have, either."

Angela's whole face twisted in fury, "I wasn't!" She stood up and ripped off her ring, holding it out toward Emily. "He had no right to do that!"

Emily grinned.

Angela stepped over the chair and kicked into the water. "A year and a half of silence, and then I proposed to him?"

Emily's eyebrows went up.

"That's right! He was moping his sorry ass around my house because I wasn't impressed with his flippant, cocky proposals that he didn't even want to ask! All I wanted was to know he really wanted to be with me forever. That's all! Instead, he laughed off his indifference to my face and – again – wondered what my problem was! Shit! My problem was that I wasn't important enough for him to say I was crucial to his life! I deserved to hear that before I committed to him! But noooo! I asked him if he'd marry meon one fucking knee – in front of the same couch where he'd sucked that woman's face off, because my rejection – my truth, my voice - hurt his feelings! Oh, hell no!"

"Do you want Tony, Angela?"

"Yes!"

"Are you okay with him being with other women?"

"No!"

"Even if it rips apart your family?"

"What kind of 'family' would that be!? That's my fucking spot!" With all her might, Angela chucked the ring against one of the stucco walls framing the luxurious view.

Emily stifled a laugh into a nod before continuing, "Are you okay with him being even 'superficially' cruel to deal with his guilt?"

"No!" She kicked the water again.

"Are you okay with lying to him about anything in order to keep the peace?"

"No!"

"Then what are you still doing here?" Emily shot her finger back toward the arched entrance of her tiled great room. "Is this house not echoey enough for you!? Is this really the life you want?"

Angela's face simmered down immediately, "Emily."

Emily's tone matched hers, "Angela, if I had somebody who had put that many years into me, I'd find out for certain if he were really a committed cretin or just used to fronting around me."

A deeply lovely smile spread across Angela's whole face, "How has every man in California not tried to snatch you up? You're incredible."

Emily hesitated, and then swallowed, "I've kind of steered myself toward the short-term guys. You know I've never felt…" her eyes flickered, "you know my appearance has always been-"

"Are you kidding me? You're beautiful! Look at Eddie! He'd barely walked in the room, and he was commenting on it," she rolled her eyes, "…in his own delicate way."

Emily laughed loudly, "Eddie! Oh, wow. He was a good time. But uh-" she exhaled and her eyes pinged for a second. Looking up at her, she tilted her head, "Angela, do you honestly think I'd let a man in my pants not 4 minutes after meeting him if I weren't frantic for his approval?"

Angela's eyebrows and shoulders went up at the same time, "I mean it was a little shocking, but I thought you had a great time."

"I did! He was really cute!" Emily leaned in, "Though, I did have to teach him a thing or two. …There is a certain order to things, you know. Condoms don't taste good."

Angela's bright laugh shone through her eyes.

Emily smirked, "And you have my word, he had a great time, too, but uh-" she dragged her top teeth against her lower ones. "We were both pretty much done with each other by the time we caught our breaths. It was fun. It was… validating, in a way. But it didn't really fix my problem. Hell, it may have made it worse."

Angela tilted her head.

"Plus, he was somewhere in the lineup that made my dad convinced he was right to keep a tight rein on a woman such as me."

"Oh, Emily," Angela breathed and sat down on the side of her chair. "Honey, you didn't deserve that."

Emily forced a shrug and a laugh, "Well, I appreciate your benefit of the doubt, anyway."

Angela rested her elbows on her knees and rubbed her forehead, "This is crazy." Then the tears started up again. "Ya know? I don't think they have any idea how much that doubt hurts."

"What?"

Angela's teary voice rose, "Your dad. Michael. Tony! It's all black and white with them. There's just zero compassion for why we might be looking for comfort. Shit. Like you said, people don't do this stuff if they're okay."

"Did he really call you a ho?"

"Tony? No. Michael did - well, basically. Tony just implied it," Angela rolled her eyes, "after conversing with Michael. But I was humiliated that Tony would agree with him, without even wanting my side of the story. The way Tony looked at me, Emily..." she shook her head, "I felt so cheap. I just wanted him to hold me and be gentle with me and ask me why I did what I did. But he couldn't get off subject fast enough. That really hurt."

Emily shook her head in solidarity.

"It turns out, he was feeling guilty about how he'd behaved in his own marriage and was shoving that onto me. But he still doubled down, acting like if I could just admit my sins of the past, we could avoid this impending bump in our own road."

"That is one scared man, Angela. You've gotta go to him and let him know it's safe to talk to you." She shook her head, "And I don't know how you'll be able to do that without opening up, yourself - relentlessly. You've got to do this."

Angela sniffed but didn't say anything.

Emily flicked her chin toward the wall. "Go get your ring. You don't have to put it on yet, but you're going to want it."

"Maybe this time, a salesclerk won't be the one sliding it on my finger."

"You have a say in that."

Angela sighed and tipped her head back and forth, "I think I have a say in a lot more than I thought I did."

Emily nodded.

"You know, that's one reason I'm worried Michael and Tony are right about me."

Emily glared sharply, "What do you mean?"

Angela bounced her heels against the turquoise tiles to help gather her courage. "When I was trying to get back with Michael, way before you came to visit, I got attached so quickly." She waved her hand definitively in front of herself, "The man is like heroin to me."

Emily nodded again.

"He'd been gone a long time and didn't tell me when he'd be back. So, I'd filed for divorce and got on with my life," she shrugged. "But when he came back, it took no time at all to get hooked on him again. I had a say, but I stuffed every bit of it to keep him, and it came out anyway."

Angela forced herself to continue. She didn't like this story.

"We both stuffed the truth, and we both knew it. But, while we were still pretending, things got… weird. I didn't even understand them, but it was becoming undeniably obvious that we needed to end it. And I'd started to heed those misgivings only after an all-out blitz, one night at my office."

Emily's face scrunched, and she leaned into the conversation.

"Whatever was wrong with us, sex didn't fix it, and that was our clutch. Seriously, we tried so hard to connect that night, but it just ended up being too rough and insistent and…" she shook her head, "just not nice. We made it home, and things got much softer and less forced between us, but the damage had been done. Everything felt different the next morning; it was all slipping through my fingers, and Michael knew it, too. I was so scared, even as he was holding me as gentle and sincere as he ever had. I knew I was about to lose everything – again – and I panicked. I was so alone, even though he'd just given me everything he could give."

Angela's voice got quiet, "I'm starting to think me deciding what truth is important enough to tell gives me permission to take care of myself in whatever way I want."

Emily's face was clearly confused, "Ang-"

"I called Grant!" Angela slapped her hands over her face.

"Huh?"

Angela moved her left fingers into a V, so Emily could see one eye. "I called my old boss." Slowly, she dropped her hands, "-who happened to be my ex-lover. I wanted him back. I wanted to see if there were any way we could work it out and put a stop to this tormented way I felt. I was so unhappy with Michael, but I did love him, and I needed his hit… unless I had something better." Her squeaky voice turned into a whisper, "That was Grant."

"Ahh…" Emily's low voice hummed.

"Yeah. I felt so happy to be alive, to be me, when I was with Grant. I wanted to show him my best. I loved how that made me feel, running at full capacity. I felt worthwhile. He was a lot older, but that was appealing. He took care of me, and not just in bed, but certainly there. He-" she shrugged, "he was my prince on horseback." She shook her head and breathed, "The way he would look at me…"

"Why didn't you stay with him?"

Angela shook her head, "He wasn't actually in a great place. He hadn't gotten over some family issues and didn't want to be within 30 feet of Jonathan."

Emily's sad smile nodded, "You're a great mom, Angela."

"I don't feel like it! I called Grant not just trying to understand his hesitation, but trying to talk him into being what I'd wanted him to be. I don't think a great mom would be doing that mere hours after having intense, desperate sex with the spouse she was trying to make it work with!" The spouse she loved. Just like Tony… "Aw, shit!"

"What?"

"I just got all over Tony for saying he loved his wife while he was getting blow jobs from other women, and I was trying to do the same!"

Half of Emily's smile went up, "Does that mean you didn't? -Get back together with Grant?"

Angela sighed miserably. "No. He stuck to his guns, even though he was kind about it. And it was for the best. It just hurt. I felt the way he loved me."

"Did you love him?"

"I think I did, at least in some capacity - which is so bizarre, considering where I was with Michael. Ugh! But I was over the moon with how I felt around Grant. I felt special and important. Even after he told me he wasn't going to get back together, he made it clear he wanted to. I knew he was right, that we wouldn't work out with him not wanting to be any level of dad to my son. So, we said goodbye."

"How does that not make you a great mom?"

"I didn't want to say goodbye! Jonathan didn't want to be with me anyway. I knew as soon as I broke up with Michael, Jonathan would lash out at me again. It's not that I've ever not wanted my son, but things were so bleak, and Grant made it better. He's always protected me, even when I didn't want him to."

Emily opened her mouth for a second or two before speaking, "Angela, you lost you dad pretty young, right?"

Oh, brother. Angela rolled her eyes, "Emily, I'm not-"

"I think you are. And you told me your mom kind of left the scene, too."

Angela didn't say anything.

"Honey, you needed somebody to take care of you back then, and you didn't have it from the people you were supposed to get it from. That right was stolen from you."

Angela just kept breathing.

"But you don't need a parent anymore. You don't need Grant, or even Tony, to fill that roll. In our society, there's a big difference between the way a wife could benefit from protection and the way a kid needs it." She put her hand on Angela's arm and whispered, "You'll be okay. And you can still be a good mom, even if you didn't have what you needed growing up."

Tears rolled down Angela's cheeks, "I wanted to let Jonathan go be with his dad, like he wanted to, anyway. I was tired of fighting for anybody to want to be with me, and Grant - this tough as nails, soft as butter, A-lister - was damn near crying because he couldn't be! I wanted to jump in my car, race it up to his house, and never unlock the door! That phone call – Emily." Angela leaned in even closer, "He talked me through a very specific experience we'd shared - he remembered it even better than I did - and the way he described us, what it meant to him… I've held onto that all this time. And I had that conversation - I. called. him. - before breaking up with Michael! How is that me being a good anything!? Grant's the one who held that line. Not me. At least that time."

"Huh?"

"When Grant and I broke up, I was the one saying, 'no' to him for the same reason. He didn't like it, but he understood. When I was desperate, not knowing what to do about things with Michael imploding, Grant's the one who told me, 'no'."

"Because you had held that line, and he respected your real wishes, even when you were jonesing for him."

Angela sighed.

"Okay, Angela. You messed up. But before that, what let Grant know not to take you up on your request, was you being a good mom. He knew that was you. And what's the benefit of you telling yourself you're a bad mom? Permission to be a bad mom? Accept it. You love your son, and you want the best for him, even if things got hard and you relied on the goodness of someone else at the time."

Angela allowed a small smile. But then she held her eyes shut for a second before opening them, "Well, even now, I sometimes think about Grant when Tony and I are having trouble. When Tony hurts my feelings - on purpose or not, I remember how Grant fixed things when I was with Michael. It's a ridiculous, dead end fantasy, I know, but… it helps. I feel like I can lift my head against the injustice and say, 'See, Tony? This fantastic guy thought I was worth treating well, so you're the one who's wrong.'"

"You don't need fantasy-Grant to say that for you."

Angela whispered, "It always felt like I did; my own testimony has never been enough. I'd even done that with my first husband when I was with Michael."

Emily cocked her head.

"I'd remember Brian's poetry, the captivating way he'd recite it for me, and things didn't feel so awful anymore."

"Brian?"

Angela scratched behind her ear, "Yeah, I never did tell you I was married before you and I met."

"What!?"

Angela waved off a laugh, "I'll tell you later, but the point is, I would let my mind go back to Brian because I was hurting with Michael, and I felt like this other man thinking I was worth something gave weight to my value."

"Impossible. Other people can't add or detract from that."

"I hope you just heard yourself."

Emily made a small smile, "Yeah."

Angela pinched her lips tight and nodded quickly for the both of them.

After a few sobering seconds, Angela took a deep breath, "You know, thinking about it now, I think me wishing I were with other guys when I was taken, especially trying to set it up with Grant, was a big part of why I didn't make a thing about Tony and Kathleen. I think I wanted to brush off all the infractions together, so I wasn't guilty, either. Like I said, at the time, I'd justified that phone call with Grant by telling myself that Michael and I were basically done. And I did let that be the last time Michael and I had sex, and oh, my God!"

"What?"

Angela's eyes were huge. "That was the last time Michael and I had sex – that time at my office, right before I called Grant!"

Emily was still frowning, "So?"

Angela grabbed Emily's upper arms, "Michael asked me to have goodbye sex before he left and I wouldn't, so I didn't feel bad about trying to get Grant to love me!"

"Oh, I see. If you called Grant after your last official time with Michael, it would net the same result as being faithful."

Angela dropped her forehead into her hands and squeaked, "Yes."

"Damn. Though it's not like you owed Michael goodbye sex."

She shot her head back up, "But I think I would've!"

Emily's eyebrows flicked up dryly, "I think you would've, too."

Angela clawed her fingers down her make-up, "Arrrgghhh!"

"Angela, I don't know… Some part of you had to know your susceptibility. It kind of sounds to me like that phone call was you reaching for help in saying no to Michael. You're the one who compared him to heroin. That's a pretty bold claim. What if you needed something as drastic as Grant-guilt to get off him?"

"It's still not okay! I'm telling you: that conversation was indulgently provocative!"

"Okay, maybe it wasn't a perfect idea, but like I said, maybe you were grasping for help."

Angela popped her head back up, "I also didn't tell Michael about having other lovers before we started having sex again anyway!

Emily's eyebrows popped up.

"I ended up telling him, but Tony doesn't know about any of that!" Her eyes got bigger. "Tony also doesn't know I had a lunch and a tennis date with his doppelgänger in front of his daughter and my mother!"

Emily started to laugh.

"It's not funny!"

"Honey, you have to talk to Tony. If you need to fess up about some stuff, then do it. But don't let him treat you like the gift of your heart isn't pure gold."

Tears streaming, Angela flung her arms around her friend's shoulders. "Thank you, Emily." She squeezed her tighter, "How can you know all this about me and not know it about yourself?"

Emily let go, "I know it about you, because it's what I do. Organizational productivity is based as much off human behavior as it is project management."

Angela sat back into the new subject, "It was very brave of you to switch careers like that."

Emily shrugged, "Business was interesting, and I still get to use it. But I fell in love with psychology at Vassar. We were researching consumer behavior, and I got hooked. The 'why' is always where it's at."

Angela smirked, "It's certainly not the grammar."

Emily splashed her with water, "You're such a nerd."

Angela's smile softened, and she dabbed a few droplets from her face, "You didn't answer my question. Why is it different for you?"

Emily looked down into the water swirling around their calves, "It's different for anybody who's scared to hurt." She looked up at Angela, "Maybe that's why I hope you give Tony another conversation. He never would have done any of that shit if he weren't running for his life. Just like you. You never would've let him get away with it if you weren't running for yours." She shrugged, "Maybe I'm hoping grace will win? For somebody, at least."

"Emily, I hope one day you're willing to hurt as badly as you need to, because you're one hell of a woman to lose."

A tear fell over Emily's heavily forced smile, and she sniffed, "Go get your ring and get your ass on a plane. I'm sure Tony's missing it."

Angela crossed her arms, "He'd better want more than that. I'm sick of that being the only thing a man sees in me."

"Is that all you see in him?"

Angela laughed, "No. Though it is awfully cute."

Emily tilted her head, "Angela, I don't see how you could have the closeness with Tony that you described, whatever it was that's held you two together all these years, and not miss it when it's gone."

Angela smiled.

"Besides, I've seen his ass, too. If all he wanted were sex, you, my friend, would not be the easiest route."


May 1993 – West Point, NY

Tony leaned into the moonlit hill. Powerful breaths pushed him up while streams of sweat ran down. Soaked from collar to belly button, he snarled his nose and lifted his heels even faster.

He was almost to the top of the hill when his right sole didn't quite clear the pavement. The hard-earned inertia threw him forward, and his chin found itself quickly embedded into stray pebbles and dirt.

Two young men jogging in the opposite direction sprinted over.

"Sir!"

"Sir, are you alright?"

They squatted down next to Tony's shaking back, the only sound coming out of him being gasps and sobs.

The men looked hesitantly at each other, then back down at Tony.

"Sir?"

"Sir, are you hurt?"

Tony inhaled bits of rock, his exhale further smearing both split lips against the macadam. Tears and sweat mixed together. The men looked around the area.

"Sir?"

One of them looked at the other and let out an awkward laugh, "Dude. Him running like that in these jeans, I thought there was a fuckin' bear chasing him!"

The other guy laughed back, "Totally."

A car's headlights came up the bottom of the hill, and the second man stood in front of Tony, letting his reflector vest speak for them. The car slowed down and moved safely around them.

The first man gently shook Tony's shoulder. "Sir? Sir, you need to get off the road. Can you scoot over into the grass?"

Tony gulped and slowly lifted his head. Mouth open, he dragged the top of his wrist up to the gush of snot pouring from his nose.

He placed his palms on the road, and after a bit of a stumble that made the young men's arms shoot toward him, Tony made it to his feet.

"Sir, are you okay?"

Tony swallowed and looked down, "No."

He took a shuddery breath and pushed his head back up, "But you can't fix it." With a quick glance at their matching grey t-shirts and black shorts, "Thanks for your help, boys," he nodded to them and started hobbling himself back down the hill to his jeep.