I wasn't going to write an authors note, but given some recent feedback I received, I changed my mind.
First and foremost - Welcome back BlackStreak1 - I was worried in the 6 years since our last interaction that you had forgotten about me. Nice to see you're still active here. As for your comment regarding why Ben is the way he is in this installment when you think I resolved his issues back in YFMH... here is your answer buddy: I never resolved Ben's ever growing obsession with Amy. I simply halted on writing it for the time being because it didn't propel the YFMH plot anymore, but it plays a MAJOR plot point in this story. I know you're a Ben lover for life, but I'm writing him the way I truly believe he would have been like had the show continued. That's it. No personal vendetta against ole Benny Boy, just an honest interpretation of how I think his character plot would have gone.
I'm doing my best to crank this story out for all of you. It gets difficult at times especially given what I'm writing about.
I've been dabbling back into the dysfunctional world of the Secret Life gang here and there, and I must say, it is a disaster. I have learned now in my adulthood that these poor teenagers were misguided and forced to grow up too fast. While I use to villainize Amy for leaving Ricky and John behind to go to New York, I since get why she went now. I spent years trying to craft these upcoming chapters to make Amy the main villain of this story - to have her be the driving force behind my anger at the way she was written in the last season of the show... but I have since seen the error of my ways with that and have switched course.
Is Amy the villain everyone made her out to be because she wanted a better life for herself? You decide.
Ricky?" The apartment was dark, pitch black other than one shred of light coming from the closed door of their children's shared bedroom.
It was unusual for it to be that dark and she knew that, which both concerned her and made her brow rise, whispering out into the room, "Ricky?" No answer. Taking slow footsteps into the kitchen she searched for the light switch and whispered again, "Ric - you scared me!" His back was to her, the black button down he was wearing earlier only aiding in hiding him, "Why are you sitting in the dark?"
He turned slowly, not looking at her face as he spoke, "When were you going to tell me?"
"What are you talking about -"
"Don't lie to me!" Ricky boomed, pounding his open palm squarely against the table, "Not about this!" It was silent for a few seconds, before his voice broke through again, this time small, "I know, okay? Nora heard everything... the counselor wished you well by the way..." He sniffled, pushing back the chair to stand, legs shaky as they took two steps forward towards the sink.
"When is it happening, Amy?" Knuckles white as they grasped the counter top, trying to keep all the emotions bubbling to the surface at bay. He sniffled twice, slowly turning on his boot heel to face her, his glassy eyes red from letting the tears fall from his eyes prior to her arrival home after midnight. "When are you leaving me for New York?"
Amy's face fell ashen at his words; frozen in terror of the one thing she tried so desperately to keep hidden, now being pushed to the forefront.
Her eyes were wide, staring in disbelief at his words as his jaw twitched, and her eyes became glassy, "It's not what you think - it's not that simple"
"It clearly wasn't much of a choice now was it?" His tone was cold, "You told O'Malley your plans - it seems pretty cut and dry to me", he sniffled, "You're leaving me for Hudson in New York."
Shaking her head, Amy sniffled, "I only told her that to get her off my back about going. I haven't decided yet." It's silent for a few seconds, her footsteps against the tile inching closer to him; moving until their faces were blended into the darkness.
She took his hands, "Come with me." Ricky sighed at her. "We can start a new life, in a new city where there aren't any distractions, or people who constantly snicker and judge us for our mistakes - A fresh start for our family."
He pulled back against her touch, "we can't just uproot our lives and go off to live some fantasy in New York."
"Why not?"
"Why? For starters we have no place to live, or money, or daycare - and no family up there!" He let her hands go, "You can't just expect John and Emma to be thrust into a new environment where they have nobody but us, and be happy."
"Would you be happy?" Her voice was small, sinking back against the countertop she was leaning against. His silence shooting through her as she sniffled, "What else is there?"
"What else - Amy, look around -" He expanded his arms out, "we have jobs, we have a free apartment, we have family literally every few blocks in town - and we have a wonderful son and daughter - and each other - what more could we want?"
"It's not about any of that!" Amy cried, grasping the edge of the sink, "I hate my job - it was given to me out of pity and makes me miserable! Our apartment is getting too small for all of us, and our families insert themselves into every tiny aspect of our lives!" Turning to look at him through the sliver of light peeking from the window, "I love our kids, I do, and I love us... but we're on freaking autopilot, Ricky! We do the same thing every day, and just guide blindly around each other until we inevitably start to plummet down - and the only way to get off autopilot is to take control of the wheel before it crashes." She glanced down at the floor, "We don't have control - we're grasping at the wheel trying to gain it and trying not to crash in the process."
Ricky shook his head at her ramble, moving away to find the light switch on the wall, "That makes absolutely no sense - we're not crashing, Amy, we've just hit a rough spot."
"That 'rough spot' has been getting rougher and rougher for the last 6 months..." She sniffled again, wiping away a tear from her cheek and squinting against the harsh light. "Are you happy?"
Her question was loaded, and seeing the hurt in her eyes as he stood there in silence, only made it hurt worse. He sighed softly, "What does that matter?"
"Answer the question - are you truly one hundred percent happy? Because I'm not." She paused, taking in a gulp of air before starting to cry again, "I'm not happy with the sneers, and the taunts, the constant questioning of other people's motives, and the fact we can never go a day without some kind of argument. That isn't happiness. That is misery, and I don't want any part of it anymore!"
Turning her back, Amy walked slowly to the living room, pausing when she reached their youngest child's playpen. "So my mom brought up the opportunity to sell the house and let us go to New York - but I haven't made a final decision yet." Picking up a discarded toy, she hugged it to her chest and turned to face him again, "Help me make the decision. Give me a solid reason why we should stay here..."
Ricky shook his head again, unmoving from his spot by the wall, "I don't want to go to New York, Amy. I never have. Our lives are here." His jaw clenched as he fought back his rising temper, "Your mother should have never gotten involved - this was between you and me... but once again she rears around the corner ready to strike against me!"
"It wasn't like that! She actually listens to what I have to say, unlike you!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You're dismissive, Ricky! You think all of our problems can be brushed under a rug with a half-assed apology, and sex - you never give me your full attention... " She caught his scoff, squinting her eyes at his unclever use of innuendo, "with your ears! I told her I was unhappy and you know what she suggested?" He shrugged, as she waved her hand between the two of them, "WE move into the house. WE make a life together there and raise OUR kids there. WE, Ricky."
"And you didn't take the offer because you wanted your freedom in New York!" He shouted, looking briefly at his wristwatch
She dropped the toy on the ground at his accusation, "No! I didn't take the offer because there is too much history in that house! My parents divorce echoes off the walls and the thought of living there... I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry."
"And you didn't feel the need to discuss this life altering decision with me because?"
"Because I didn't want you to bank on getting the house and then we go right back into our old habits. I don't want to go backwards, I want to move forward!"
"You think the place to do that is in New York?" Ricky sneered, rolling his eyes at her, "Do you know how entitled you sound right now?"
"Entitled?" Amy challenged, "Was it entitlement that got me pregnant at 15? Huh? Or again at 18? Was it entitlement, Ricky?" He didn't look at her, just kept his gaze on the floor, which only hurt her more as she fought her wobbling lip, "Don't you think after everything we've been through - we deserve to be happy? I want that for you...why don't you want the same for me?"
He sighed watching the tears roll down her cheeks, "I want you to be happy, Amy... but I can't go to New York for you to find happiness." He choked, fighting the lump in his throat as a few tears fell from his lashes, and his gaze went back to the floor, "If I'm not enough for you... then what are you still doing here?"
"I'm still here because I love you!" She sobbed, taking a seat on the sofa and burying her head in her hands, "But I shouldn't have to sacrifice my happiness because I love you!"
"Why not? I'm doing it!" His retort left her stunned, both unknowing what to say as the silence filled the room for several seconds at his confession. "I-I didn't mean it like that I -"
She shook her head at his stammering, "no, you meant exactly that..." her face contorted, "somewhere along the line we lost what made us, us... and I'm relieved to hear you say it."
"It wasn't intended to come out that way - damnit Amy, listen to me -" He slammed an open palm against a blanket, taking a spot on the couch next to her, and reaching for her hands, "I love you, okay? You make me happy, but yes... sometimes our constant fighting does diminish my happiness, alright? But that's normal, right? Every marriage goes through strain - ours has just a little more considering our situation."
"Walking on a tightrope isn't strain, it's chaos..." Her words came out as a broken whisper, scooting further away from him
He shot up abruptly, running a hand through his hair in frustration, "What do you want Amy? You want me to admit I'm an ass? Okay, I'm an ass! There, I fixed it! Go ahead, call me what you want!" Her silence cut through him as he sunk back down on the cushion, staring out into the living room space, "I don't know what else I can do..."
Taking a minute, they both sat there in the silence - their sniffling and her quiet sobs filling the air, before he finally let out one long breath and bowed his head down, "you want out, I see it... I feel it... what does this mean, Amy?" Ricky sniffled loud, wiping his left cheek with his palm, "If you stay here you'll resent me, but if I go with you, I'll be miserable -" a tear fell onto his knee, "how did it come to this?"
"So what do we do?" Amy asked quietly, wiping her own cheeks with her palms
He pursed his lips into a thin line, spinning his wedding ring around his finger, "You can't go. We're married, and I don't want to go to New York. We'll just have to navigate through whatever it is we're dealing with here - Together."
"You can't make that decision for me!"
His tone turned cold, "I just did! I'm your husband and we're staying here. End of story."
"It doesn't work like that! You can't make that kind of decision about MY life for me!" She shot up off the sofa, folding her arms across her chest
He flexed his right hand quickly, releasing the tension, "Our life, Amy! When we got married, we combined our lives together. Yours, and mine! So, yes, I can make this decision for our life together because it's what is best - for our children and for us!"
"Screaming everyday at each other isn't what is best for our children - or us, Ricky!" She shot back, leaning against the wall and taking in a shaky breath, "Something has to change, it just has to. I can not keep living like this. I can't... And I won't." Her eyes shot like daggers through him, the brown sparkle being replaced by dark, pain filled, orbs.
He sighed again, sliding over and outstretching his hand towards her, not at all surprised when she shook it away. "You promised me when I told you I was pregnant with Emma... you said things would be different because you were different. This doesn't feel different. We fought all the time after John was born, and we were with other people, dragging them into our mess, and now -"
He cut in, "Now it's just you and me - no other people are involved here..." running his palm over his knee a few times, "you're starting to sound very selfish - poking at the flaws of our past-"
"It's not selfish to be honest and state your unhappiness, Ricky!"
"You gave up the right to be happy whenever you brought John into this world! We both did!" Ricky yelled, shooting up again, this time anger pulsing through every fiber of his body as he pointed a finger at her, "Any and all selfish desire for any other kind of life went right out the window for both of us - and now we have another baby, who depends on us everyday... and for you to even suggest moving away for whatever reason - happiness, a fresh start, or whatever else kind of bullshit you and your mother - because we all know she's behind this whole charade - want to tell yourselves isn't going to work." He spun on his heel, putting the finger to his chin, "I have an idea... why don't you just marry your mom since you're so stuck up her ass anyway!"
Amy's lip wobbled at his venom, trying to keep it together as he took cheap shots at her, "Why do you have to be so mean? Why are you so mad?"
His eyes grew wide in disbelief, "Are you kidding me? You come in here after midnight from some party and tell me you want to go to New York - three thousand miles away - and expect me to be this happy person? You are insane!" His eyes were angry slits, running a hand over his face, "And it's angry - not mad - angry! And I have a good reason to be angry with you! You can't do this! You can't!" He screamed, taking a step closer, a look she didn't recognize - or like - coming to his face, "And you won't! You're my wife and I forbid it!"
"I'M NOT YOUR WIFE!" She blurted, screaming the words she had tried so desperately to keep secret, without thinking.
The words echoed in the dead silence as she tried so hard to not look at his face - knowing the confusion and the pain sure to follow on those seemingly perfect cheekbones of his.
"What do you mean... you're not my wife..." Ricky trialed off, raising a brow both in confusion and frustration
"Forget it. Forget I said anything" Amy waved her hands out, dismissing his question
He shook his head, taking a few steps closer - "No. No tell me - now. What do you mean?" She stayed silent, biting her lip. "Amy!" He boomed, unable to hold back any longer
She sunk back against the wall, "... we're not legally married... " rubbing her forearms with her palms as she explained the situation through tears, "the uh - the squirrel guy who married us let his license lapse and our marriage is void..."
"How long did you know?"
"I wanted to tell you -"
"How long did you know, Amy!"
"A few weeks..."
"A few - you knew our marriage wasn't valid for a few weeks and you didn't tell me?"
"I was afraid of how you would take it - "
"You were afr -" He paused, running his hand over his face again, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, "and how the hell was I supposed to take it? What were you afraid I would punch a wall or something?" She sighed through tears, shrugging ever so subtlety. "No really, what attribute made you afraid to let me in on this very vital piece of information?" The veins in his neck were extended, popping out in a menacing way, as he raged through clenched teeth
She took a shaky breath, grasping the roots of her hair, "We were fighting all the time... I was afraid of you losing your temper and doing something you couldn't take bac -"
"Like what? Cheat on you?" He interrupted, clicking his tongue at the way she averted her eyes and tapped her foot against the floor, "Wow... I- I literally can't even stand to look at you right now."
"If you're going to be like that- "
"Like what?" He hissed, pointing the same finger at her, "You wanted honesty - here it is. You asked for it! I'm a great guy who changed my whole life for you - I don't cheat on you, I take care of you, and John and Emma, and I'm a responsible guy -" He paused, flexing his other fist and exhaling slowly, "what else have you lied about? Is your name even Amy? Are John and Emma even mine?"
Taken aback, her mouth went agape, "How could you even ask me that, of course they are!" Amy started to choke on the tears rolling down her cheeks, shaking her head in utter disbelief that those words came from his mouth, "I would never lie to you about that, you jerk!"
The angry words went too far, even he couldn't believe that they actually fell from his lips, as he took a step forward, and wrapped his arms around her shaking body. "I don't know why I said that - I shouldn't have. I know they're mine... I'm sorry" Ricky kissed her hair gently as she sobbed against his chest, realizing how deep the baseless words cut her given how she was often accused of lying about that same notion from their peers all those years ago.
She shook her head again, "Are you in love with me?" The question coming out as a raspy whisper, muffled by sobs into her palms. He was silent, continuing to peck his lips against her brown locks and grasp onto her tighter. She sniffled, pulling back, "You're not... are you..."
Swallowing the lump that broke like shards of broken glass inside his throat, Ricky sniffled, "If I wasn't madly in love with you... would I have married you? Or rather pretended to be married to you?" Sighing sadly when she pulled out of his embrace, and wiped her eyes with her fingers, "Would I have stayed up night after night worried to tears about you dying giving birth to our daughter? Or comforted our sons cries when he couldn't see you because you were locked inside a room? I've been killing myself for you and our kids because I love you so much!"
"Loving someone and being in love with them are two different things - I know you love me, Ricky. But you're not in-love with me. Or at least you aren't anymore. You only married me because of John - and because I was pregnant with Emma..." The words tasted bitter on her tongue, her face contorting again so tight it showed her dimples - and not in the good and happy way he was used to seeing on her beautiful face.
Ricky's eyes shifted down, pursing his lips, a stray tear rolling down the side of his face, his voice small, "What difference does that make?"
Amy's eyes closed, letting the remaining tears fall from her lashes before looking back up at him, deflated, "All the difference in the world..."
The baby monitor on the nightstand erupted with a loud cry, penetrating the deafening silence between their slow breaths. Without a word, he turned and went towards it and she followed on his heels.
Their youngest child's fussy cries filled their ears upon entry. "What's wrong baby girl, hmm?" Ricky whispered, picking Emma up out of the crib and bringing her to his chest, rubbing his palm over her back as he started to sway slowly. Emma fought him, pushing her head off his chest and grasping at his shirt collar with her small fists, "shhhh"
Amy turned to leave when a faint little sniffle caught her attention. "John?" She whispered, going towards the safety rail and lifting up the comforter covered in images of trains. He was lying on his side, his face red as heaps of tears gathered on his round cheeks. She furrowed her brow in concern, looking to Ricky before sliding onto the small mattress and leaning into their son, "Hey buddy... what's wrong?"
John shook her away at first, wiping his eyes with his hands, before shoving his fingers to grip his bottom teeth, "mommy an daddy no fw-ightttt!"
Amy's heart was breaking, gathering John's small frame into her lap, sniffling with him, "Oh buddy... we didn't know you could hear us - did it make you upset?" Ricky gave Amy a look, grasping Emma's small body tighter against him.
John shook his head slowly, choking on his salvia, and shoving a fist into his eye, "I no wike ittt!"
"I don't either." Ricky whispered, moving over to the other side of the bed, and using his hand that wasn't occupied, to stroke the back of John's head, "Sometimes when grownups are talking their voices get a little louder than they intend them too..." He trailed off, taking a seat on the corner, "mommy and I didn't mean to wake you up with our loud voices. We're sorry"
"You jus fw-ight a-wotttt!" John sobbed again, grasping onto Benny, his sad brown eyes matching theirs as he looked between them.
They looked up at each other, both trying to hold their composure and not break into tears in front of their distraught toddler.
Ricky let out a long breath, running his hand over his face again, and handed the dozing baby off to Amy, "I-" He paused, standing up, "I-Im sorry" before going out the door.
Biting her lip as she closed the aged wood slowly, Amy sighed taking in the silence of him nowhere to be found in the tiny space. Noting the light penetrating the otherwise dark room was coming from the front door being wide open: the small bulb on the ceiling near the staircase deciding not to flicker for once, she saw him sitting on the steps; twirling the golden wedding band he never took off, between his fingers as he sniffled.
"He went back down after a few minutes... and she's still sleeping" Her voice was hoarse, crossing her arms across her chest
Nodding silently, he opened and then closed his mouth before speaking - "I promised myself if I ever had kids that they would never have to endure the hellish childhood that I did." Sniffling, "I wouldn't fight in front of them, or yell, because of all I had to witness with my birth parents... Now look at us... making our own children cry because I can't get my act together and keep my damn promises..."
She hated seeing him like this: the guilt he always put on himself regarding his sad childhood, furthering her heartache for him and their life together. Sniffling, she took a seat beside him, "Something has to change, Ricky..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry for just - being me..." Ricky cried, lip quivering as he stared at his shoes.
Putting her hand on his knee, Amy shook her head, her voice stern through the crack, "Don't you dare apologize for that." She paused, spinning her rings, and closing her eyes, "I won't go... to New York." This got his attention, turning his head to stare at her. "I can't." She took in a deep breath, "we will just go to couples counseling here - and see where it goes, I guess"
"I don't want you to resent me for giving up your dream..."
"I don't want to lose you, Ricky... And more than that... I don't want to lose our little family"
"Even if it's with me?" His gaze went to his shoes again, wiping his nose with the back of his hand
Her eyes softened, reaching up to wrap her arm around his shoulders, hand cupping the back of his neck softly, "Especially since it's with you."
His eyes became glassy again, brushing his thumb against the bottom of her cheek as the broken whisper fell from his lips, "... I love you, Amy..."
She let another tear roll down her face, biting her lip just before it reached her chin, "I love you too..."
Ricky leaned in slowly, their eyes searching each other's before his lips found hers; slow, soft pecks quickly heating up as his tongue slipped through.
Amy moaned softly, taking hold of the collar of his black button down, his hands moving from her cheeks to her shoulders; applying gentle pressure against her skin with his fingertips as she fumbled with the buttons and pushed the fabric off his shoulders, moving her hands back up to his cheeks, fingers clamped against the sides of his head by his ears.
"Amy - " He breathed quickly, loosening the button and dragging the zipper of her black dress down her back in a haste.
Without a word, she broke their kiss, moving off the steps to stand. He looked up at her, confused, until she put her hand out to him, failing to keep her dress up in the process. His lip tipped up slightly, moving off the step to join her by their open apartment door; backing against the aged wood - their lips connecting again and their bodies closed the open space between them.
His hands snaked around her waist, pressing himself further into her, moving them both slowly off the door to close it with a shove of his boot and flick the pesky lock with a flip of his finger. His shirt was pushed down to his elbows, open, showing the tight muscles of his abdomen with the soft glow of the street lights coming from the window, as she removed it from his body, throwing her head back when his hands slipped inside her dress and shoved the already falling garment to the floor followed by his button down.
Her hands quickly unbuckled his belt, giggling into their kiss as he took control and ripped it from his dress pants, unhooking the button, shoving them down and kicking them off without a second of hesitation.
She pushed her palm into his chest, steadying herself as she raised her left bent leg up and unhooked the strap of the uncomfortable high heel she was wearing before doing the same with the right one, refusing to break their kiss in the process before he lifted her by her butt onto him, smirking against her mouth when her legs wrapped around his waist and they started moving backwards until they landed on the sofa bed with a thud.
They both giggled, Ricky's left hand shifting to her hip while the right pressed into the sheets, keeping his balance as he hovered over her; his head nuzzled into her neck, replacing his normally feverish kisses, with soft and gentle pecks against her clammy skin.
Amy closed her eyes, groaning and raising her hips up ever so slightly, wanting more direct contact as her fingers ravaged his dark curls at the base of his scalp.
Moving from her hip to the middle of her spine, he gently lifted her up, using the action to unclasp her red lacy bra with lightening precision as it fell off almost instantly and his lips pressed against the red indention the strap had left on her right shoulder.
"Ricky..." She was getting eager, desperate for him to take her and make love to her like they'd done so many times in their tumultuous relationship.
He could hear the plea in her voice, and it only fueled him, but instead of just letting her fall back against the mattress and pressing himself into her like they did so often, he just shook his head and kept at what he was doing.
He gave her a small smile, biting his lip affectionately, wanting to take his time because if this truly was the last time they would be together... it wasn't going to be like all the times before. Regardless of how much she dug her nails into his back, and sighed loudly in frustration at the way his lips trailed down her chest in slow, tantalizing pecks that sent shivers through them both, he was going to take this slow.
He was going to soak in as much of her as he could because come morning light, she would either be wrapped up with him under their sheets, or on a plane.
Amy could feel his kisses pause, the subtle little way Ricky's lip started to wobble as he tried to hide it and moved back up, molding his mouth against hers, sending a lighting bolt through her.
She knew he was upset, and that this probably wasn't the best course of action given their situation, but the way his body pressed against hers, and he drank in her gentle moans when his tongue messaged hers, grinding into her before undoing the button on his boxers, tugging them from his waist before hooking his fingers into her underwear, made her not care.
They needed this. They needed each other. They needed the physical contact that took them to emotional depths they couldn't get with anyone else.
A bond of fire and gasoline that worked for only them as they made love in a dark apartment living room, a sliver of light coming from the window directly above them, illuminating their bodies molding into each other as two messy, confused, and hurt kids - who had life thrust at them in an unfortunate way - brought each other closer to the edge, grasping onto each other so tightly in fear of the unknown once they came and collapsed against each other, panting while their heartbeats rang inside their ears, and they held each other tightly under the sheets.
Amy's eyes were closed, cheek pressed against his chest right below his heart: the steady beats lulling her to sleep as he threaded his fingers through hers.
While she felt the steadiness, Ricky felt the pressure and the slow breaking. Biting his lip, he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and gripped the cover over them, brushing his thumb over her hand as he whispered almost inaudibly into the darkness - "I can't live without you... please don't leave me..."
Stay tuned...
