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Chapter 37

Terrible Morning


Bella


My head threatened to burst into a thousand pieces as soon as I also thought about moving. So, I tried not to move a millimeter. But I quickly woke up and my dry throat required fluids.

My God. How much had I drunk yesterday? I could remember the small bottle of wine. Also, that it was empty far too quickly.

With difficulty I opened my eyes and looked at a black T-shirt, which was partially damp and into which my hands clawed. I squinted my eyes together again and let go of the T-shirt.

I felt arms embracing me. They were cold. Not only in temperature. The touch was cold, callous, as if it were merely utilitarian. They let go of me and an equally cool body turned away from me.

I carefully let myself roll onto my back and tried - with my hands in front of my face - to reconstruct last evening ... with moderate success.

A bottle of Ramazzotti appeared in my mind's eye, the rum for Stan's caipirinhas, sparkling wine from Zoey, vodka for martinis. That explained my considerable memory gaps. A small consolation: I could not remember David's sacred and expensive whiskey. But something was all too clearly still there: my hate speech against Edward. Word ... for ... word ...

I heard unusual noises.

Unusual, because I expected something completely different.

I reckoned Edward to disappear on the spot. That he would take these accusations of mine seriously, leave me alone, and I would never see him again. I had accused him of too much.

But I heard something different. He didn't leave the bed, just turned away a bit and I heard a delicious bubbling that I was craving.

"Bella?" he whispered velvety softly, shoving a hand to the back of my neck.

I opened my eyes and saw a large glass of water in front of me, in which a tablet was bubbling to dissolve itself. I grabbed it, sat up with his help and drank it all in one go. Only now did I dare to look at his face.

He looked sad and worried. Not angry, which would have seemed more logical to me somehow.

"You're still here!" I stated with a lowered gaze, realizing that it must still be very early. Dawn was just breaking.

"One word from you and I'll go!" he said calmly.

It was not a threat. Rather, it sounded like an apologetic promise that I couldn't do anything with.

"Stay!" I immediately said so fiercely, hurriedly raising my gaze to his that it rattled in my head. "Please," I added in a whisper, holding my head with my free hand. The fact that I rarely drank - and also never excessively much - was not forgiven by my head right now.

Edward took the glass from me, filled it again and I drank it down. It did me good and I needed more. But driven by the splashing I had to go to the bathroom immediately.

"Excuse me," I muttered and quickly stood up from the bed.

Too fast for my full-grown hangover, which was giving me a headache that seemed to have gotten really comfortable in my head.

Before I even got my second foot on the floor, Edward was already standing there helping me.

The world spun around me and I swayed more than I really walked. But somehow, I arrived at the bathroom. After I went to use the toilet, I held on to the sink.

I looked for the familiar face in the mirror, but it lay probably still in the bed.

I splashed cold water on my face.

It helped surprisingly well and I washed properly, wondering why my hand was bandaged.

No matter. Thinking was exhausting.

In addition, I had a rather disgusting taste in my mouth from the residual alcohol, which the two glasses of water had not nullified. Therefore, I also brushed my teeth very meticulously while sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Showering, on the other hand, was not yet an option. I couldn't stay on my feet that long.

"Bella? ... Is everything all right?" Edward worriedly called outside of the door.

My morning procedure had dragged on. It was not easy when one tried not to move my head and keep the noise level from the toothbrush to a minimum.

But I had just finished and dragged myself to the door to open it.

"Not so loud!" I accused him while holding onto the door frame.

His arms welcomed me and led me back to the bed. He sat me upright on the edge of the bed and filled up another glass of water for me, which I immediately emptied in one go. He set the glass aside and put a hand against my forehead.

"How's that?" he asked quietly.

"Does well," I confirmed.

He sat down next to me and I let myself fall sideways against his chest.

His arms wrapped around me coldly again though, but it felt heartfelt again in contrast to earlier when I woke up. I felt completely sheltered and comfortable in this stone embrace ... apart from the headache.

"Do you want to sleep a little more? It's only half past six," he asked quietly at some point into the soothing silence.

"How long have I been asleep? I feel wide awake," I asked cautiously. I felt lousy, yes. But I really wasn't tired anymore.

"Almost twelve hours. How's your head?"

"It goes like ... I could use some coffee," I actually considered more to myself but thought about how long the walk to the kitchen would take.

Edward gently laid me back on my bed, covered me up a bit, and went downstairs himself.

Even if I could not be mothered normally, today I would not fight back. I had no strength for that. I was surprised how quickly Edward was back. It couldn't have been a minute, or had I fallen asleep yet again?

"I had already turned on the coffee maker while you were in the bathroom," Edward explained to my questioning face.

I sat up carefully and leaned against the headboard of my bed as I gratefully accepted the coffee mug and drank slowly. I sighed with satisfaction.

The caffeine did me good. Edward sat right in front of me on the bed and his expression finally softened and relaxed ... and he even smirked slightly?

"You're laughing at me!" I accused him.

"Just a little bit," he took the cup from me, immediately becoming more serious and taking my hands in his. "The way I found you down there yesterday, it was absolutely without amusement ... I was afraid for you."

I let my head hang guiltily.

Slowly! So that nothing inside me cracked loudly.

The fear had been justified. Yesterday at least. The memories had caught up with me and had thrown me brutally into my deep dark hole. The thought that there was a way out of my grief, a final way out, had actually come very close to me. But another thought quickly stopped me from further thoughts of that nature, and it would for the rest of my life if I slipped into my abyss yet again: my children. I had never intended to tell him about my dark time. To accuse him of it, because he couldn't really help it. Why he had also left at that time, he could not know how he had left me behind. How much I was addicted to him and then despaired.

Now I felt I had to tell him about it so he understood why I had snapped at him yesterday. I wasn't sure, but I thought I had thrown something at him, too.

But it had nothing to do with today, I wanted to tell him. I was just trapped in my past. In my abyss. If he had been here, maybe I wouldn't have fallen into my hole.

But last night had also reminded me of something else.

As the men in my life looked at me through the photos, I realized something. I hadn't thought about it in that way since that time, because it was just nonsensical to have thoughts about it. It wouldn't change anything, except that the pain of loss would overwhelm me again and increase immeasurably. I loved these two men. Jacob Black and Edward Cullen ... Masen ... Stone? ... Never mind! Still today! Forever! And irrevocably!

"Yesterday everything came crashing down on me. Too much came at once ... What you saw yesterday was me eighteen years ago," I began to explain and Edward gently stroked my hands.

I looked into his eyes, which were full of compassion.

He was apparently willing to listen to me and willing to perhaps forgive me for my words. I hoped so. I was ashamed of yesterday. Not only for my outburst to him.

"Bella ... I know what I did to you when I left then. Jake let me see some things on Wednesday and he didn't hold back. And because of my negligence, you lost Jacob Black... You have every right to hate me and banish me from your life," he looked at me seriously.

"You broke my heart!" I muttered to myself, remembering all too well all the agony his leaving had caused me. Yesterday, all of it had come back. Together with the grief for Jacob. "But Jacob's death was not your fault. I never blamed you for that. No one could have foreseen that Victoria would come back with a whole army ... I'm sorry for everything that I accused you of yesterday. They were the accusations of a naive eighteen-year-old. None of it is really true. Please forgive me."

"No, Bella. You have nothing to apologize to me for. With every word you said yesterday, you were right ... Well, with almost all of them ...", he smirked slightly again.

"Almost all of them?"

"Saco is not your town. It doesn't belong to you," he explained, teasing me with his crooked smile.

I looked embarrassed at our hands. I remembered that absurd charge.

With a gentle hand, he lifted my gaze back to his and explained himself further.

"... I ask you for forgiveness for everything I did wrong. Starting with the fact that I left you alone ... I didn't leave you that time because I wanted to," he said in a velvety voice and I was confused.

"You didn't?" I inquired.

"I broke your heart! And mine broke with yours. I did not go to hurt you. Of course, I thought my loss would hit you, but not to the extent Jake showed me. For a long time, only one thought kept me alive. The thought that you were better off than me. That you would not have to experience the same suffering that I did. That you would quickly forget me ... But I was obviously wrong," he continued calmly, and my head was spinning.

He had left me. Why should his heart be destroyed by it?

"I wasn't good enough for you!" I reminded myself especially, because his current words confounded me.

"I never said THAT," he replied, still gentle though, but a bitter undertone could be heard.

Had he accused me of lying now? I knew that he had said it. For so long those words had rung in my ears that I could never forget them. They had burned themselves into my consciousness and never let me go. Not until today.

"I said: You're not good for me!" he corrected and my jaw dropped in bewilderment.

Those were the words! I could say nothing more on it.

My whole body became numb and my head just hung down limply on him.

Like that time in the forest. I had known long enough how true those words were. Who could already be good enough for him. Definitely not an average person like me. I had known it, had always waited deep down for him to recognize it himself. And still these words had hit me like a knife thrust into my heart. Back then. And once again today.

I felt the piercing pain of the sharp knife's edge and pressed my hands to my chest to dull the pain. It did not work. Just like back then. It only seemed to bore deeper into my heart, filling my eyes with tears.

"Bella?" Edward whispered, taking on a worried tone.

He moved closer to me, kneeling directly in front of me, his hands gently cupping my cheeks and directing my gaze into his eyes, which were filled with warm liquid gold.

"You are not good for me because you make me forget what I am! How dangerous I can become to you! I lose sight of the monster who is too quick to surrender to his instincts ... But you are the best thing in my life, because you awaken the human being in me that I used to be, who has human feelings and desires. Everything that was once good about me, you bring back to life. No one else can remind me that I am more than just a monster. Only you, Bella. Because you are the only one who has ever touched my heart."

"You ... didn't want ... to have me!" my last bit of sanity forced its way to my mouth.

"I know, Bella. I confirmed those words and made you believe they were true. I'm sorry ... These words in this constellation made no sense. I wondered for a long time what I had done wrong, because you could doubt my love so quickly. I believed that you knew what you meant to me and that I had to lie through my teeth to you. I betrayed our love, but I saw no other way out. You wouldn't have let me go otherwise. I saw this as the only possibility so that you could live. But I always wanted you and that will not change as long as I exist ... I'm yours! ... If you still want me!" he said soulfully and seemed to hypnotize me with his eyes.

"But ..." I began, but I didn't know myself what I wanted to say.

"But what, Bella?" he asked in a whisper after I stopped talking. "Is it so hard for you to believe that I only ever wanted you? That there can be no one else for me? ... Even today?"

"Yes," I just mumbled by now. I could not believe it.

"Bella. I love you!" he looked deep into my eyes.

"You ... love ... me ..." I repeated weakly and haltingly, unable to comprehend his words in that exact order.

Thursday night slowly slipped into my consciousness. When he had told me about Samantha. But Samantha was unimportant in this. He had told me about his time after he left Forks. Had left me. How unhappy he was and escaped into this parallel world where I was still with him. My head hadn't been able to do anything with it on Thursday, because it just didn't make sense that Edward should have missed me. But now I suddenly understood. That's why he was here again. Because he had never forgotten me. Because I was never indifferent to him. Because he had always loved me.

"You love me!" I said yet again, this time more convinced than before.

"Yes, Bella. I have always loved you. I've thought about you day and night since the first time I saw you at school. You are everything to me. The only meaning of my existence. Nothing and no one are able to distract me from it. Can make me forget how much I long for your closeness ..."

"I love you, Edward!" I interrupted him and threw myself into his arms, with which he welcomed me enthusiastically and let himself fall backwards on the bed with me.

A stupid idea, I unfortunately came to realize. In my head, all the shelves seemed to clatter to the floor simultaneously and loudly.

I quickly held it with my hands so that it wouldn't burst.


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