.
Chapter 58
Ben?
Leah
"Damn it!" I cursed to myself when we were already on our way to school.
"What?" asked Jake, probably afraid he'd have to turn around and drive back again.
"Edward had promised to listen to Ben's thoughts. But I forgot to ask him about it," I explained, offended.
"I think Edward has other problems than your broken heart right now," Jake stated bleakly.
"Point for you!" I admitted and remained silent.
After my inner jubilation wore off last evening about David, which didn't happen until I was in bed, I began thinking about Edward.
Somehow, I was ashamed of how obsessively I had greeted David and how that had lasted the rest of the evening. Jake didn't really feel any different. I felt as if I had betrayed Edward, and this after the great afternoon with him.
He had found just the right clothes for me. Just the right mix between sporty and sexy. Both for me and for Jake. The clothes he and Mom had handed us in the dressing room afterwards had been disastrous, but it had been immense fun trying them on and showing them off. Jake looked totally awesome in his suit and my dress - a Versace dress! - was a dream. I had noticed what kind of clothes they had suddenly brought us to choose from and Jake had made me understand that I had better not say anything about it. Secretly, when Mom was in the dressing room, Jake had shown me what suit he was wearing. I had immediately looked at Edward in disbelief, but he had only smiled and put his index finger over his mouth as a sign of silence. As if I would tell on him for something like that!
Then there was the jeweler! The jewelry was idolatrously beautiful. I really liked mine, Jake's watch, and Mom's too, even though I've always thought pearls were really stuffy. But on Mom and in that dress, it just looked beautiful. I was still in tears now thinking back to his marriage proposal. It was so spontaneous and yet so perfect.
But my personal highlight of the day was when we sat on the couch together afterwards. As one family! It had been such a nice feeling. So sheltered and just right! We had sat together, laughed together, and it was just beautiful. But then David came.
"What is David doing here already? He's not due back until next month, " I asked Jake.
Actually, we could rely on the fixed three-month rhythm with David.
Jake didn't answer and I nudged him.
"What?" he asked absent-mindedly, and I repeated my question, but he didn't know either.
Instead, I asked him what he was thinking about so intensely.
"I noticed for the first time yesterday how Mom and David are with each other," he replied, and I nodded.
I knew what he meant.
Until now, I was quite indifferent to how they behaved. It had interested me little, which is why I had also not paid attention to it. David was great. Whenever he was here, I had the feeling that I had a father, at least temporarily. He was interested in us and our lives, did things with us and was just great overall. Always. But now Edward was with us. I had been startled when I realized that David was going to put Mom to bed. At the same time, I had noticed the trembling beside me. A trembling of anger.
"What must Edward have been thinking?" I muttered guiltily.
Should we have stopped David? Should Jake have carried her up instead? Would David have let us stop him? Probably not. It wasn't the first time that Mom fell asleep on the sofa and was put to bed by him. However, I had no idea what the two did when we were not there. Not everything was told to us even now.
"He didn't look thrilled when he came back earlier. It seems he wasn't there all night. Otherwise, he would have woken us up, and most importantly, Mom would have known where he was. She looked pretty beat up," Jake also said contritely when we arrived at school, ending the subject for the moment.
The first hour passed quickly, the second dragged on.
I felt Ben's gaze at my back. Nonstop.
The bell rang. I quickly packed my things together and jumped up without looking behind me.
"Leah," Ben held me back with a hand on mine.
A fire surged through my body.
Bitingly, I looked at the hand that was holding me.
"Can I please talk to you?" he asked.
"And about what? Have you come up with some new insults to throw at me?" I hissed softly.
He looked at me startled, let go of me, and I ran away.
I slowed down in the crowded hallways. I stubbornly looked at the floor while my eyes filled with tears and obscured my gaze. Faced with all the people, I eventually stood still, leaned into a corner with my eyes closed, and waited until the crowds subsided.
I felt cold arms around me, gently holding me.
"Take it easy, Leah. Everything will be fine," Edward whispered and stroked my back soothingly.
I heard whispering around us, but I ignored it.
An arm lying protectively around me, I walked with Edward through the corridors.
No one was in the way anymore! Instead of ending up in English class with Jake as expected, I found myself outside the entrance.
The bell just rang for class.
"Deep breath!" Edward calmly instructed me, while still holding me by the arms.
I did. From the heavy rain last night, the air was fresh and clear. It did really good and pushed back my tears.
Tears of anger. That was such a humbling quality.
"That's what Bella used to say, too," Edward said, typing a message on his cell phone.
I smiled weakly.
I knew I got that from her.
"I'm just informing Jake so he doesn't worry," he explained.
I went straight to our regular bench, which was only a few meters from the front steps, slammed my bag on it, and braced myself with my hands on the high backrest. Edward came after me, squatting down on the other side of the bench in front of me, and looking up at me with concern.
"Why were you so angry? Ben just wanted to talk to you, " he asked calmly.
'Do you know what about?' I asked in my thoughts.
"Yes, but I'd like an answer first."
I sat down on the bench, pulled my legs up and rested my head on my knees.
Well ... anger. I didn't really know myself. I had felt the heat of phasing inside me, even before I had really registered that it was only Ben who was holding me. Was it just because of that? Just because he was holding me? I always got angry when people touched me without asking. Ever since Lisa and I were once hit on by an impudent ass. With individual exceptions. Our group of friends, for example.
"Ben was a part of it. And even more so for you," Edward quietly interjected into my thoughts.
Yes, that was true. He was part of the clique of friends. The emphasis here lay on WAS. And Ben had touched me a lot without it bothering me in the least. Rather the opposite. And everywhere ... And it had been nice ...
"Leah!" complained Edward.
Oops ...
"Twins!" he muttered smirking to himself and I had to smile.
How many times had he already heard more than he wanted? ... Anyway. Now it seemed to instinctively bother me that Ben was touching me. But why? I had asked Edward to listen to his considerations, because I had hoped that he would understand all this after all. Because I wanted him back. Why did I get angry then?
"I was listening to Ben and I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to speak about yesterday," he apologized.
But that was completely unnecessary. The evening had ended quite differently than we all had expected.
I lifted my head to look at Edward over my shoulder. He was still crouching behind the bench.
'It must have been terrible for you to watch helplessly as David hogged Mom. I can't imagine how bad that must have been for you.'
"I think it's very sweet of you to bother about me in this ..." he said calmly.
I was sure that the thing with David bothered him more than he would ever admit.
"... but now it's about you! And about Ben," Edward ended almost encouragingly.
I put my head down again and thought.
At least I tried ...
Ben ... Ben ...
My head was a little empty right now.
"You don't really know what you want yourself, do you?" he asked sympathetically.
"Apparently not," I admitted.
I chuckled a little as I realized those were the first two words, I actually uttered.
It was so easy to talk to Edward. Although I hadn't really said much so far. Him hearing my thoughts made it easy and it didn't bother me either. I didn't feel like I was being overheard. Besides, his closeness did me good somehow. It appeared soothing to me and I felt completely free and safe. As if I could talk to him about anything. Is this what it felt like to have a father? Okay. That thought was embarrassing to me now.
Startled at my own thought myself, I lifted my head up from my knees.
Edward sat down with me.
"I love you, Leah, as if you were my daughter!" he said, touched, and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I smiled gratefully at him, not knowing what to say to that now.
"But we were actually on another topic. What about Ben? How do you feel about him?" he then asked quietly.
He put an arm around me and I let my head fall on his shoulder.
"I love him," I said immediately.
I didn't need to think about it.
The last few months with him had been overwhelming. The first words, his closeness that I sought, the shy kisses, the first hesitant touches, how we could talk about anything and never run out of topics, the ideas of a future together, that nothing would ever change. Until the complete surrender last Saturday.
"No, Leah. Don't just say it because it's always been that way before. Think about it. Examine your feelings for him. Imagine it if he came here now. Don't say it feels good or right with him if it makes you think about the past. Now is important. What goes through your mind when you think about Ben now?"
"What is Ben thinking?" I asked curiously instead of following his prompting.
"Isn't that beside the point as long as you don't know exactly what you want yourself?"
I guessed he was right about that. So, I gave it a try.
I took a deep breath and concentrated.
Ben. One of the few guys who were still taller than me. His short dark hair with equally dark eyes. How reassuring it appeared in tandem with his gentle facial features. A handsome boy. I saw Ben - in my mental image - coming through the door, down the stairs, and toward me. His dark eyes that looked at me lovingly. Taking my hands gently in his ... How would I think about that? What would I think of that? Would it tingle, like it usually does? Would the touch of our hands be too little for me? Would I ask for more than just holding hands? ...
"Leah!" Edward startled me out of my imaginings.
For two seconds I thought he would admonish me again for my permissive thoughts, which he would overhear again involuntarily. But I was wrong about that.
I just burned from the inside. The wolf heat had begun to ignite me and made my body tremble.
A fire of anger. Of suspicion.
Quickly and easily, I pushed it back.
I got mad just thinking about Ben touching me! Fact! It had never felt like that before. It had nothing to do with love. I didn't love Ben anymore! "I guess the fact that one burns in love isn't literal!" I stated matter-of-factly as I suppressed a smile and turned my head slightly to look at Edward.
"No!" Edward agreed. "How are you doing with this new knowledge?" he asked anxiously after a moment.
"Good," I replied, after considering it for a moment.
It was the truth. I felt really good for the first time since the weekend. Strong and free. Without emotional baggage. But I wondered how I had gotten over Ben so easily. We had been together for over half a year and actually very happy. Until the end. Saturday night had been the highlight of our time together and even then we had been happy and in love. I felt sheltered in his arms, which is why I had mustered up the courage to tell him about our secret.
"Maybe because he disappointed and hurt you at the very moment when you opened up to him completely ... physically and emotionally. You can't forgive him for that, it seems," Edward considered.
"I think you're right. I had emotionally surrendered to him and he had thrown insults at me."
"But you've been crying a lot these last few days," Edward reminded me.
Yes, I had. I had wailed because it was over. Because I didn't want to give up this time that had been so happy until then. "I was grieving for the trust I lost on Saturday night," I now realized.
"You don't want Ben back?"
"No," I explained calmly and sat up a little. "That he was startled by the truth is only understandable, really. So was Brandon," I chuckled to myself as I remembered Bran's face.
Edward also laughed softly at that.
"But Ben insulted all three of us in the nastiest way. He called us scum and mutants. If it had only been in the heat of the moment, okay. But he had enough time to apologize for it. After all, he didn't just call me and Jake that, he also called Becky that. However, she least of all deserves to be called those names, and he hasn't even apologized to her yet."
"And if he were to sincerely apologize for that?" asked Edward.
I imagined it and a condescending smile settled on my mouth as if by itself.
"It's too late for that!" I stated.
Yes. I was over Ben. For good. If he apologized, I would accept his apology. But otherwise, he could go to hell. Someone who first insulted me and trampled on my feelings, I could not use in my life. If he was already freaking out because of the wolves, what would he do, if I would tell him something about vampires. And about the fact that we all didn't really get older anymore.
Again, I imagined it and laughed vociferously and deeply liberated.
"It's good to see you laughing like that again!" noted Edward, satisfied.
"Thank you," I said truthfully and put my arms around him.
"I didn't do anything, however."
"You're here for me."
"I will always be there for you," he promised, looking at me with a soulful smile.
Yes, this is how I had always imagined having a father.
I turned my head toward the building, startled, when the school bell rang. Shocked that the time had passed so quickly. English was over.
"What did I keep you from now, anyway?", I asked Edward as I stood up and he handed me my backpack.
"English, too, but the advanced placement class," he picked up his bag and we slowly walked up the stairs.
"Well, hopefully you didn't miss anything important."
"You're more important!" he declared earnestly, and I smiled gratefully at him as Jake just crashed through the door.
"Leah, are you all right?" he asked immediately.
"Sure!" I laughed at him.
He paused and studied my face.
I grinned against him in a good mood.
"Um ... Have you seen my sister? ... Tall, pretty, in a bad mood for days?" he asked Edward.
I punched him against the shoulder and went on to my next class.
Thank you for reading!
