Chapter 14: The Media War, Part I

February 24, 0008

The Downings' farm was located two miles east of Rocket Town. On a clear day, it was visible from Cid's backyard. While it wasn't fenced in, there were several signs warning against trespassing to mark the boundary. Anyone who failed to heed them (since they did have quite the fan base) would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Dirk and Dana's origins as a couple has never been explained on the show. All I know is that Dirk was 43 and Dana was 37 at the time. Since their oldest son was 18, that would mean they got married when he was 24 and she was 18.

Of course, that's how they swing. They always get married young. They also don't believe in birth control or anything like that, hence their seven sons and nine daughters. And they are:

David, 18

Daniel, 17

Dane and Danica, twins, 16

Delilah, 15

Devon, 14

Donna, 13

Derick, 12

Dakota, 11

Dawn, 10

Deke, 9

Daphne, 8

Dallas, 7

Demi, 6

Dante and Damien, twins, 5

All appeared in the February 24th special:The Downings Host Jack Balen.

Hiram Tuggs was also in this episode. He's Danica's eighteen-year-old boyfriend. Sort of. Meaning, of course, they spend time together under Dirk's watchful eye. Her parents were following them the whole time, and they weren't even allowed to touch each other. Not even holding hands was allowed. Hiram has asked permission to marry her, three times by my count. Dirk's response was always the same: "Get to know each other more."

Anyway, it began with Dirk fretting Jack at the door, welcoming him and showing him around the house with his three oldest sons, David, Daniel, and Dane. They showed the parlor and dining room, suggesting they lived in more of a mansion than a farm.

They then showed Jack the armory. Dirk flaunted his rifle, as did twelve-year-old Derek, who showed Jack how to load one.

"This is your rifle?" Jack naturally asked.

"Yep," Derek replied. "Last summer, I killed my first buck. I got him right between the eyes."

"Deke will be getting his for his tenth birthday later this year," Dane added.

They then went on a rant on how Jack Balen would protect everyone's gun rights; he wouldn't allow gun-control of any kind.

That, in turn, was followed by Dirk showing Jack his wedding pictures, which led to quite a few anti-LGBT remarks being exchanged.

This included how Dirk thought that Reeve and Parker's eleven-year-old daughter, Sage, should be placed in a foster home for her own "safety."

Jack Balen used this time to promise to push for "traditional" marriage.

They then passed the kitchen, where almost all women ten and up were located. They were, of course, cooking dinner.

They had seven women cooking for nineteen people; the kitchen was one of the biggest rooms in the house.

"Even Daphne's learning to cook," Dana explained.

"We're raising all our daughters to become good, traditional family wives," Dirk added. "I like coming home to a home-cooked meal by five-thirty."

I really hope Tifa wasn't watching. The fact that I saw her TV still intact a few days later suggested she wasn't.

I was offended, too, of course, and I was tempted to turn it off, but then, Tobin brought up a good point.

"Well, only a few million people are watching this," he sighed.

That hit me; the media war was on. Jack Balen was selling his campaign on Down on the Downing Farm.

It was time for Tifa to sell hers on a popular show as well.

LATER…

February 25, 0008

The next day, I found myself at a girls' night out with Yuffie, Shera, Jessie, and, of course, Tifa.

I don't know whose idea it was, but I know someone wanted to discuss the fact that Tifa was now behind in the polls, no thanks to Jack Balen's appearance on Downing Farm.

We were mainly making small talk; it was traditionally a night for drinks, although Yuffie, Shera, and Tifa were all below the drinking age. I knew we needed to address Tifa's campaign, and I tried to work up to it, but I couldn't think of the right way to do it.

Eventually, Yuffie brought it up.

"Did you all see the Downing Farm last night?" she asked.

"I did," Jessie replied. "And I felt my I.Q. drop twenty points."

"But now Jack Balen's got everyone's attention," Shera pointed out. "He's up in the polls."

"Of course," I added. "He goes on a popular show, he gets everyone's attention."

"We need to get Tifa on there," Shera suggested.

"There's no way in hell they'll let me on the Downing Farm," Tifa pointed out. "I'm a woman that thinks."

"We do need a comeback," Yuffie said. "If they won't let her on Downing Farm, logic would denote they'd let her on its polar opposite."

"But what show's the polar opposite of Down on the Downing Farm?" Jessie asked.

"I remember, when we were training in Xing, we used to watch Silly Sam's Happy Hour," Tifa mentioned. "I wonder if it's still the thing. It was a funny variety show."

"Get with the times!" sighed Yuffie. "It's Romina Ronkin's Restroom Rampage."

"I don't think that's such a great idea," Shera dismissed. "You know how obscene she is?"

"I know she's a shock jock," Tifa replied.

"That's an understatement," Shera said. "She's been fined over two million gil for breaking communication and obscenity laws!"

"But her audience is as wide as the Downings,'" I pointed out. "If only someone can get in touch with her, Romina will let her on in a heartbeat."

"I heard Reno knows her," Yuffie suggested. "I'll have to have a talk with him."

"Do you think he'll listen?" I asked her skeptically.

"I know how to play ball," Yuffie assured us.

LATER….

February 26, 0008

The water sprayed over Reno's nude body as he showered. He had returned from the gym, and was looking forward to a peaceful evening on his own.

Reno was, in private, somewhat of a recluse. He wasn't known to have any close friends, nor family for that matter. He was always keeping to himself in his small house across the square from Cloud and Tifa's.

And then, suddenly, the bathroom door opened.

Reno quickly peered out of the shower curtain to see Yuffie standing at the door.

"What the hell?!" he exclaimed.

"We need to talk," Yuffie announced.

"I'm taking a shower!" Reno answered.

"Good," she replied. "Then you won't stink!"

"What do you want?" he asked.

"It's not about what I want," Yuffie replied. "It's about what I need. I need Tifa to get elected president."

"I'll vote for her!" Reno promised. "Now get outta here!"

He withdrew back into the shower.

"But Reno!" she called.

"I said give me some privacy!" he demanded. "Leave!"

There was no response.

He waited a minute for her to say something, but she didn't.

Reno, deducing she was gone, sighed in relief.

"That girl goes too far," he muttered to himself.

At that moment, he heard the curtain rustle behind him.

He quickly turned around to see Yuffie standing there, in the shower with him, naked as the day she was born!

"Jesus H. Christ!" Reno exclaimed as he covered himself. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I could use a shower myself," Yuffie replied.

"With a guy twice your age?!"

"It's called making full use of the facilities," she answered honestly. "And don't bother covering, because I always saw as much of you as you're seeing of me."

So, casually showering with guy friends was a known habit of Miss Kisaragi. She showered with Cloud the morning after Aerith faked her death at the Forgotten Capital, though the structure of the shower prevented them from seeing each other's private parts. She showered with Cid when they were planning to free Barret and Tifa from Junon. She even once jumped in with Reeve and Parker after a run, somewhat to Parker's annoyance.

Anyways, back to the story.

"Isn't Zack your boyfriend?" Reno asked.

"We're done. Zack used up all his chances with me," Yuffie replied. "Plus five. He's out of my life a hundred percent."

"Sorry to hear that," he said, sheepishly.

"I need to ask you something," Yuffie began.

"It couldn't wait?" Reno asked.

"I ask things as needed and as I think them," Yuffie replied. "Romina Ronkin. You know her, right?"

"That's right," he replied.

"Jack Balen was on Down on the Downing Farm a few days ago, and now he's up in the polls," she explained. "Tifa needs a comeback. If she appears on Romina Ronkin's Restroom Rampage, it'll boost her in the polls. And probably Romina's ratings."

"Are you sure Tifa would want to be on that show?" Reno asked. "I know Romina. She'll probably ask her how she squats on the toilet."

"We have to take that chance," Yuffie replied.

"I'll text Romina as soon as I get out of the shower," he promised. "She can probably squeeze her in."

"Thanks, Reno!" Yuffie said as she patted him on the shoulder. "You're the best."

Reno blushed.

They then stood in an awkward silence for a moment, though they were obviously both scanning each other's naked bodies.

"You're horny," Yuffie suddenly said. "I'm not stupid, so don't try to lie."

"Are you?" Reno asked.

"Yes," Yuffie answered honesty.

"You want to get fucked?" Reno suggested.

"Sure," Yuffie casually replied.

"You don't mind if I fuck you?"

"Nope," Yuffie replied as she turned around. "Just keep it casual."

LATER…

Yuffie and Reno dried themselves off and dressed.

"Feeling better now that you got laid?" Reno asked as he dried his hair.

"Totally," Yuffie replied. "As long as you don't tell anybody about it. And about Romina Ronkin…"

"She'll have Tifa on tomorrow," Reno informed her.

"Confirmed?" Yuffie asked.

"She texted me just now," Reno answered. "The media war has a new front."

"Thanks!" Yuffie said as she hugged him. "I owe you big!"

With that, she darted out of the bathroom.

Reno stood alone, but he didn't care. He had no regrets of the outcome.