My Birthday! One year older to the tune of 27 years old, and it feels... Well, you know how birthdays feel. Sometimes they feel special, sometimes they're just another day to pass the time.
So I decided to make this little piece to amuse myself. Make it a little more special, you know? This scene is canon, further into the future after the shenanigans of Volume 1. It also gives a sneak peek into a few events that I'll hopefully execute well in the future. Hope you'll find it fun!
*Then (Do Not) Let her Eat Cake*
Paperwork was dreadfully boring. Despite having experience with doing administrata on my own, I was spoiled having Jurgen perform double duty as a nauseating wall against people who would interrupt my personal time as well as a secretary. I managed to get one here too, but sadly, I had to let her go. It should be said that she did good work and certainly proved her skills, but alas, she's far too busy with her own affairs to help me now. She did say she'd be happy to resume the job if she ever came back here, and I do look forward to the return of her helping hand.
That wasn't to say I was entirely on my own in these endeavors. It was times like these that I was thankful for Arona's presence, however unsettling her identity as an incredibly powerful AI might be. If it didn't need my checking or my signature, she could do it herself. Accounting was laughably easy with her computing power. Plus, she could fill up the time with mental conversation, if nothing else.
That said, she DID come with other inconveniences.
"Supply spreadsheets are done and accounted for Sensei!" She informed me proudly. "Hey, can we get some of the special strawberry cakes over at the cafe? I hear they're fantastic!"
"Of course you looked up their menu for today," I mentally sighed. She had a sweet tooth to match Amberley's without any of the Inquisitorial activity to make up for it. Worse, her appetite in general would be enough to eat a family out of house and home if I fully indulged it. The fact that our cafe provided us with easy access to fine desserts was the cherry ala mode on top of that perfect storm of succulent disasters. "Was that last computation a few seconds slower on the draw? Perhaps your weight is affecting your computing power."
An appalled gasp echoed through my mindscape at such a forbidden declaration, followed by an immediate, outraged reply. "RUDE! Don't you know that you're not supposed to say that to a lady?!"
The very idea. I regularly mingled with military officers, governors and nobles of all stripes, many of whom fattened themselves off the highborn delicacies their positions afforded them to an unhealthy degree. I didn't point that out if I didn't have the reason or opportunity to (and did every time the proper opportunity DID arise).
Also, I knew Amberley. She said all those years ago that she'd hate to have to kill me, and I wasn't going to test if commenting on her eating habits was going to make my death an Inquisitorial undertaking. "Perhaps, but I'm not seeing any ladies around here, am I?"
Another scandalized gasp escaped from her and I could hear her foot stamp in that watery classroom. A surprisingly solid hit for stomping on a liquid floor. "Mean! See if I do any more accounting for you until you learn how to treat a lady like me!"
I gave a patient, tired sigh. "I'd be more inclined to politeness if people were less blunt about a man's weight. Like mine, for example."
That made her cringe as I reminded her of the effects of her indulgence. I bought the goods, she ate them, with none being the wiser as to why I always added extra takeout to my restaurant food or had extra desserts at every meal. She knew how to hold back in Abydos, but once we got the SCHALE ball rolling all bets were OFF for her because we had the cash to afford it and didn't have to be polite to the students. True, I had a couple of interesting encounters due to her overindulgence, but my life was interesting enough that I didn't need rumors about my weight to add to the excitement.
"Sorry Sensei..." She murmured, and I could imagine her twiddling her fingers together. "But come on! I can't help it! Between fine dining in high class restaurants to izekaya runs to the sweets in the cafe and even the stuff in Angel24..."
I could feel myself gaining pounds just from the thought of all I had to buy for her. We weren't hurting for cash, but I was hurting on patience. "We're cutting down on your eating. For both our sakes."
She replied as though I had unleashed my chainsword upon a puppy, horror seeping into her voice. "NO! You can't do tha-AHHH!"
Proving that I wasn't the only one the Emperor and the Runious Powers deigned to a make a joke out of, Arona's insistence on her fitness was "supported" by the deafening snap of cloth. Goodness, how long was her skirt holding on to snap that loud? It must have been a herculean effort worthy of the Defense of Cadia, and sadly, even Cadia broke in the end.
The mad idea that the little AI ACTUALLY got fat off of the food I provided her was an insane thought I brushed aside quite easily in favor of a far more simple declaration.
"... Diet and exercise."
"Nooooo..."
She whined, but the embarrassment of that moment drilled into her head the effects of her snacking, and not before time. Nodding in satisfaction, I decided to make the lesson a bit more poignant.
"But I do suppose you're right," I thought dramatically, standing up with theatrical aplomb. "The hour is fine for recaf- I mean, coffee. Perhaps I could have a look at the selection."
"SENSEI YOU'RE SO MEAN!" She cried as though I was abandoning her, though I was vindicated by hearing the beginnings of basic stretches going on in her mind.
Yes, I could be mean. But I was a commissar. Mean was the least I could be if I wanted to prove a point.
The cashier was quite surprised when I refused to buy a dessert of my own, which only served as more evidence that this needed to stop. Instead of immediately going back up with my cup of recaf as I usually did though, I made sure to take my time savoring its flavor in perfect view of the rack of delectable desserts. Arona tried to ruin my reflection by spitefully making her exercises louder than they needed to be, but she didn't realize that only encouraged me.
Hmmm, is this what the divine and the damned feel like when they take the piss out of me? I had to admit, it did feel hilarious when I wasn't the butt of the joke.
*Then (Do Not) Let Her Eat Cake, END*
In case you didn't know, as part of gameplay, though not mentioned in story, Blue Archive has you manage a cafe. You can customize the cafe with decorations, changing the flooring, adding all sorts of trophies, rewards and more. It's also where you can interact with your students: They use the furniture, and you also increase your affection level with them by tapping them, as well as giving gifts to your students. Most importantly, it rewards daily logins and spaced out playtime by granting you a steady supply of credits and stamina every day, maxing out at 24 hours. It also rewards progress through extra missions by increasing the daily rewards at certain milestones. These two are why I connected it to SCHALE and added it to Cain's passive income, because as his reputation increases and his achievements pile up, so would the cafe's popularity. I didn't describe it too much since it will provide a fun little addition his daily life, but I can't reveal everything this early, can I?
I already made Arona's eating habits slightly plot relevant with Serika, so why not do it again? Cain does indeed have a few fun encounters with students because of "his" apparent gluttony. I'll make mention of them in the future, but feel free to speculate on who!
In the process of writing this, I learned that I apparently share a birthday with an unusually popular specimen with you readers and BA in general, so have a bonus! This one is non-canon though.
*Then Let HER Eat Cake*
The cafe's glass doors clinked open, announcing the arrival of a new customer. I didn't pay it any mind, focusing more on my recaf and blotting out Arona's unnecessarily loud stretches and counting, until I heard the cashier call out.
"Ummm... Miss, are you going to buy anything?"
"O-Oh! Um... Well, you see..."
I raised my eyebrows at the familiar voice and turned my attention from my drink to look back. As I expected, the familiar long pink hair, furred coat and horns showed that it was Aru who entered. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she appeared to be in yet another spot of trouble. I sighed and rose from my seat, placing my coat on the chair to signify that I wasn't ready to leave. I walked up to the cashier and started conversing with her. "What appears to be the problem here?"
"S-Sensei?!" She of course spoke up with her usual deer in the headlights expression. Clearly, she wasn't in the mood to even pretend to be some dignified supervillain. "Oh, you know, it's nothing..."
"You'll hold up the line if you don't hurry up and someone else comes in. How about I get you some coffee of your own and we have a seat?"
"H-Huh?!" My offer seemed to have short-circuited her brain, so she didn't have a response. I forcefully took that as a yes and looked back towards the cashier to place my order before urging the wayward student over to my seat.
"So? What's on your mind?" Even from what little time I spent with her she wasn't the pinnacle of mental fortitude, but Aru focused quite a lot on upholding her image as a dignified supervillain. It didn't work all the time, but she at least upheld basic social graces. Something was definitely weighing down on her. "Is the 'business' going well?" Such as it was. The business of being a pict-cartoon supervillain was a lot more undignified than it looked... Or perhaps, since most of the poor frakkers got their arses kicked by heroes cheesier than the Imperium's image of me, it was exactly as undignified as it looked.
"Oh, well..." she groaned. "It is... Thanks to your help we've got a bit of a leg up, but maybe I did something wrong," she sighed. "I woke up today to find that everyone was gone."
"Gone?" Now that was alarming. "They just disappeared?" And to think I thought this was going to be a relaxing day. That'd show me for even hoping for one.
"Yes, and I don't know when or where?" She whined. "I DID say it'd be a day off, but I didn't get notice of anything! They're not answering my calls or texts either!"
Grand. I normally wouldn't be accommodating of some random wannabe hardboiled criminal, but the 68s did good work for me and anything that could randomly make them disappear might be a problem for me down the line. But perhaps I'll start with simpler ideas. "Perhaps they're just off doing things in private. Employees deserve their own personal time after all."
"I guess..." she acknowledged. "But why won't they answer the phone or tell me anything?! I'm the boss! Surely they can spend time to at least talk to me!"
A fair point, though not in the way she thought. While all of Problem Solver were loyal to Aru despite her deficiencies, that little imp Mutsuki and the far more rational Kayoko only paid lip-service to the "company structure" they had and were absolutely willing to ignore her if it wasn't an emergency. Only Haruka, who was as startlingly loyal to Aru as Jurgen was to me, completely bought into the whole farce and would probably answer the phone on the first ring. But I still didn't want to assume the worst.
"Did they say anything peculiar over the past few days?" I hedged.
"Nothing at all!" Aru wailed. "Kayoko and Mutsuki were the same as ever, and Haruka just asked if I wanted anything as she always does..."
... Really now? Could this entire thing be as simple as I thought it would be? I checked the student profiles on my phone and sure enough, her birthday was today. Asking if Aru wanted anything would be as subtle as Jurgen driving a Baneblade through a palace complex, unless said person was a doormat who would ask that of her anyway, like, say Haruka. Hmm, that metaphor was all the more appropriate for Jurgen's presence in it.
"I'm sure that when you go back, everything will be fine," I assured the girl as I kept my phone. "You can't always be kept up to date on the state of your employees, and I'm sure after their convalescence they'll be back and more willing to work for the company than ever." Not that they needed much more motivation. For all of her faults, Aru did try to do right by the girls under her, and her efforts to do so, amusing in their failures and making her successes all the more poignant, were never done in malice, which was surprising for a supposed supervillain.
"I guess..." She acknowledged, seemingly unburdened by my assurances. "Did the same go for you, Cain Sensei?"
"By necessity," I began, finally taking relief that there weren't any problems after all. "I commanded regiments. I only knew what people were doing if they were doing things wrong, or really right." All disciplinary problems were under my book, and so were my personally instituted rewards of extra ale rations and downtime. Barring the occasional inspection, my troopers were free to do as they pleased so long as they didn't step on anyone's toes too much. Unless they were Sentinel pilots, then they could overstep just a little bit.
"I see... yes, of course! A boss must be willing to have as much faith in her employees as they do for her! I shall take this lesson to heart, Cain Sensei!"
She was right and wrong in so many ways, which was peak Rikuhachima Aru. She was back to normal then. "Glad that you're feeling better about it all." I finally took another sip of my coffee, pleased that it was still hot. Aru took her own sip of black coffee as well, finally willing to calm down.
After a few minutes chatting about random things and paying for our drinks, Aru bid me goodbye. As she left, I looked over the dessert rack and thought that with money to spare, I might as well. "Deliver one of your strawberry cakes to this address please. Oh, and add a happy birthday to it."
"WHAT?! YOU TRAITOR!"
As the scream in my mind threatened to make my brain ache, the cashier's eyes lit up with glee. "Ahh, so the girl had a problem with her birthday! As expected of Sensei, always so caring of his students! And you're willing to watch your weight as well, very nice!"
I smiled outwardly while I hoped the gloominess in my head made it perfectly clear to the AI clogging it up exactly who deserved to be screamed at right now. "... I'll just... Keep going."
"You do that." As I paid for my purchase, I dialed up another number on my phone. Can't exactly have them delivering food to a criminal's hideout can I? Time for a handover.
Despite her assurances, she was still nervous as she made her way back to the hideout. It was unusual not to receive even a word from anyone, not even Haruka. Still, Cain Sensei was a veteran, a teacher and a man of his word, so she kept that to heart and hoped nothing was wrong. Thanks to him, they got themselves a new lease on her little business venture, and she hoped she hadn't made another mistake.
So it was that she went back to the office with much trepidation in her heart, only to be surprised by a crack coming from inside and streams of confetti flying towards her face.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOSS!"
She was stuck gaping at her crew popping streamers in her face and throwing a party like this. The usually pristine office had a party sign for her hung up behind her desk, with the other girls uncharacteristically all smiles.
"Sorry we kept you waiting, Aru, but that just made the surprise at the end all the better, don't you think!" came Mutsuki's impish voice.
"It was, of course, Mutsuki's idea," followed by Kayoko's slightly more apologetic and amused drawl.
"We're sorry about tricking you, Lady Aru, please don't abandon me!" and then followed by Haruka's MUCH more apologetic voice.
"You all..." She sniffled then ran up to them. "Thank you so much!"
She clumsily tried to embrace them all, and despite how awkward it was, nobody tried to get out of it. "We didn't know what to get you, but we all pitched in to try and find one of these!"
A small wrapped gift box was placed in her hand, and she excitedly opened it up to reveal an old DVD box. "Fights without Dignity and Normality?! I've never watched this old classic!"
"We were looking for stuff to give you when we found this girl from Hyakkiyako who heard about what we were looking for and recommended this. She recommended this very energetically," her section chief said with a vacant, tired look. "We can watch it the next time we have a free day."
"And we didn't even need to pay for a cake either! Somebody called Kayoko somewhere else to secretly pick this up!"
Mutsuki took out a much bigger box and opened it to reveal a strawberry cake with a "Happy Birthday, Aru!" written in frosting. It was wonderful, and yet... Vaguely familiar...
"Hold on, wasn't this from the cafe beside SCHALE?" She thought out loud, and she was answered with Mutsuki handing her a card. "To the most unique president I know. May your business endeavors prove fruitful, and may we work together again in the future."
"... That's certainly one way to write a birthday greeting," Kayoko noted, though she wasn't sure exactly how she felt.
"I don't think Aru cares about that," Mutsuki grinned, and sure enough she was right.
"Ehehehehehe..." Her cheeks were warm and she was giggling deliriously, but she didn't care. This birthday was a new stepping stone for PS68, and with Sensei's help, she would turn it into the greatest criminal empire ever!
"Now we should light the candles right?" She looked over to Haruka and absentmindedly nodded, only to realize with horror that she had a flamethrower in her hands. "The bigger the better!"
"HARUKA WAI-"
Well, all the money they saved on buying everything else went to repairs, but overall, for her first birthday since SCHALE came in and meeting Sensei... It the best she could have asked for.
*Then Let HER Eat Cake, END*
This was as much an exercise in quick writing as it was a gift to myself and you all, so I hope you liked this short! See you next time for the ACTUAL, canon debut of Problem Solver 68!
