This Tale contains spoilers from Part 2/3 of the saga. However, this takes place in an alternate universe version of Part 2/3, specifically, one where Dark Million does not exist and Team Seppuku lives in peace. With this in mind, I merely 'warn' individuals of potential Part 2/3 spoilers. Ultimately, I wouldn't suggest reading this unless Part 2/3 has been read.

Warning, this Tale contains the following: Sexual themes (mostly implied/mentioned), mentioning and/or consumption of alcohol, violence, and minor cussing.

== How Seppuku Saved Christmas =

It was a cold Christmas night in the metropolis of gold; the Upper City would now cheer while the Lower City continues to fear. The day of sharing and caring had come for the Upper City, but not for the common street bum of the Lower City. Darkness, loneliness, hopelessness; not even this bright day could bring them delight. However, this would be changed by a young woman's plea, in which one would most certainly agree.

"Dear, Santa Claus," the Mysterian wrote with cheer. "Having lived in the Lower City for so many years, I find it unfair that so many cower on this day. While the good people of the Upper City enjoy presents, love, and a nice dinner, won't you please think of the sad people of the Lower City? With love, Chiya Flower."

And so that night, the Lower City had been visited by the icon himself. Sneaking his way through Lower City alleys, no bum was left without a gift. Toys for the young, medicine for the sick, even money for the deserving. The fat man made sure that every person living in the Lower City would remember this day.

Along with Mr. Claus came a blanket of snow, so soft and pristine, Mute City was painted white in the Christmas spirit. Unknown to the homeless bums, they had a sweet Mysterian to thank going by the name 'Chiya Flower', who understands love and compassion like no other.

"Ho, ho, ho!" the fat man sang.

With a cheery and hair-covered face, Santa reached for the doorknob of Seppuku's base. He twisted and pulled with all his might, but not an inch could be made in opening it. The man placed his foot over the door and pulled harder, but it was no use, the security mechanism had bested the man… or so one would think.

"Ho… ho… ho…" the man chuckled.

Santa extended his arms and dematerialized himself with Christmas magic. The non-solid form of Santa rushed through the closed door and entered the dark lobby; once inside, he rematerialized himself. After returning to human form, the man adjusted his stocking hat and scanned the room. At first sight, he caught the Blood Falcon helmet, trophies, and Federation medals; his eyes widened in shock upon spotting the dining room table. Cookies and milk, sitting under a dim light.

"Ho, ho!"

The Christmas legend rushed to the table, slammed both arms down, and devoured the cookies with a throat washing of milk. In no more than two seconds, the man set down 1/6th of both the cookies and milk, to make his presence known.

With respect for the cookie layer—likely Chiya—he traveled into the hallway and closed the door behind him. Next, he turned his head with two glowing eyes; robotically, his eyes turned to the particular door leading to Chiya's bedroom. Knowing this to be the door, he walked without making a sound.

Sleeping in bed were Chiya and Earl, unknown to them was that Santa Claus walked within their home. Neither lover were at all conscious, the cute look on the snuggled in Flower suggested a great dream. The look on Earl's suggested relaxation—as though he were at a beach or cleaning the inside of an F-Zero machine.

All of a sudden, Santa materialized himself into the bedroom, not wanting to risk opening the door. Once the process was complete, he gazed down upon the bed with an excited face.

"Ho, ho, ho…" he yelped.

The man snuck around the room dropping Christmas presents here and there, only Mauser knew of the fat man's presence. All of the presents left for Chiya were wrapped in bright colors; presents for Earl were in traditional red, blue, and green.

Mauser stood up with a raised tail and panicked, "Mew!"

A startled Claus swung his belly around, "Ho!?" He was relieved to find that only a cat knew of his presence, and so he laughed. "Ho, ho!"

Making his way over to the bed, he looked over Chiya, who wheezed with the happiest of faces. The man tilted his head and put a hand over her head, pat her, then placed a candy cane within her hand. He continued to pat her head for a moment before covering her shoulder up with their blanket.

"Ho, ho," he declared.

Chiya's face bloated up with joy, but still unconscious; even when asleep, she could feel so much happiness. Santa left her after this and approached Earl's side of the bed. The Korean remained grinning as he slumbered, and much like with Chiya, Santa placed a gift in his hand—a weightless mechanic's power drill with extendable handle.

"Ho, ho, ho," he said before kissing Earl on the cheek.

With the two dealt with, Santa reentered the lobby and faced one last room. His eyes once more began to glow as he looked upon the office door, his Christmas magic knew the location of Lieutenant Seppuku.

With a bag of gifts over his shoulder, Santa approached the office door and extended his arms, ready to dematerialize one final time. The Christmas legend broke down into the size of particles, then whipped through the door as if it were not there.

The man began to rematerialize inside the lit office, his image returning to existence from feet to head. Santa dropped onto the office floor with his bag of goods, now ready to deliver to one last sleeping child. Except, there was one issue with his desire.

Seppuku doesn't sleep.

Santa looked up with wide eyes, "H- Ho..!?"

His eyes met with the glowing white eyes of Lieutenant Seppuku's visor. The Man of Darkness remained seated behind his desk, without emotion, no movement, and almost no regard for the Christmas legend.

The fat man stood up with puckered lips, with an awkward exchange of stares ensuing between the two. The one and only movement from Seppuku was the twitching of an eyebrow. Soon after, Santa brushed a hand over his coat and offered an explanation.

"Ho, ho, ho! You surprised me! It's not often that one catches Santa during his work hours!" Seppuku did not respond to this. "Most people I know are asleep by 2 AM… say, you don't play geopolitical video games, do you? Ho, ho!"

Still, Seppuku did not move; he did nothing more than observe the Christmas legend. Santa waited for a response, but soon rolled his eyes aside and nodded.

"A—anyways! I am just down here delivering presents to the people of the Lower City, as requested by your gracious girl, Chiya Flower—bless her soul with cookies and chocolate!" With another chuckle, Santa continued, "Before I deliver gifts to Mute City, I found it only fitting that I bring gifts to the three who-"

Seppuku shot Santa. One time in the knee.

"Ho- H- Holy Hell!" he panicked.

"God dammit, Santa, you startled me."

The fat man rolled around on the floor holding his leg, "My goodness! You shot me! I- I can't walk!"

"You startled me, I felt threatened," Seppuku reinstated.

Santa got on his rear and glared at the Man of Darkness, "You let me talk for, like, a whole minute!"

Seppuku snickered, "Yeah, but, no one was really keeping track of time, so your argument is baseless…"

A moment of silence crossed the two, Santa continued to roll around with his knee up in the air. Seppuku remained seated and was rubbing his chin, contemplating on how to go about handling this situation.

"Are you going to kill me?" asked Santa.

"Were you bringing me coal?"

With glee, Santa answered, "Christmas coal!"

"Hm, I might."

At that moment, both Chiya and Earl came storming into the office with petrified faces. Chiya shouted, "We heard shooting!"

Both gasped upon spotting Santa on the ground, Chiya covered her mouth in awe while Earl dropped his jaw. Seppuku raised an eyebrow at the two, taking somewhat offense from their reactions.

"S- Seppuku..!" Chiya panicked.

"You shot Santa Claus!" Earl answered.

The Man of Darkness launched himself up and responded, "Mute City citizens are protected by a castle law doctrine! A stranger entered my property, walked into my room with a mysterious package, and I felt threatened."

Earl held up the bag of presents and glared at a doll that was sticking out from the top, "You mean this bag clearly containing toys?"

"I-" The Man of Darkness placed a finger over his lip, then responded, "I was looking after our interests."

Santa groaned and prepped himself up against Seppuku's desk, where he then waved his hand at Chiya and Earl, "I'm fine…"

Chiya slapped her cheek while trembling and asked, "M- My God, we need to bring you to a hospital!"

"No!" he panicked with wide eyes.

Chiya was shocked by the decline, but both Earl and Seppuku seemed to understand. With a hand over her shoulder, Earl explained, "We can't bring Santa to a hospital… he's uninsured."

"Ho, ho," Santa chuckled. "I'm also broke!"

Seppuku added, "Also, if we were to bring Santa in to a public place, Jody would probably make him disappear under 'mysterious circumstances' and try to unlock his hidden powers."

"Ho, ho, God…"

Chiya dropped down to her knees and looked at his leg, "Well, blimey! We need to stop the bleeding before you die!"

"Ho, ho, ho! Chiya, Chiya…" He placed a hand over her cheek and explained, "I cannot die from blood loss… I run on… Christmas magic!"

The Man of Darkness became very concentrated on Santa as he said so, "…you don't say…" the lieutenant murmured with interest.

Earl took off his shirt and wrapped Santa's knee, the man thanked the Korean with a graceful nod. At last, Seppuku rounded his desk and merged with the group. It was there that he made his thoughts very clear.

"Whatever you guys do… do not let Jody know about this!" He poked Chiya's forehead, "Understand?"

"Y- Yes, sir…"

Santa wiggled his leg around and nodded at Earl again, "Thank you, aside from the broken bone, this should heal in no time… with the help of…" The man spread his hands out and created bright blue sparkles. "Christmas magic!"

Chiya dropped her jaw with watery eyes as she watched the blue sparkles, "Wow… Christmas magic!"

Earl stood back up with a concerned face, "But, Santa, how will you deliver presents across the universe with a broken leg?"

"I cannot, but worry not. I have… connections that will do most of the work…" Santa stuck a candy cane in his mouth after saying this. "The real problem is that I still have the Upper City in need of presents."

"Just the Upper City?" asked Earl.

Santa nodded, "I tasked myself with only Mute City; my associates will work on the remaining parts of the universe."

Chiya frowned, "Wait, you mean…" The young woman dropped her arms down in disappointment, "That wasn't you delivering presents to Mysteria?"

"Ho, ho, nope. That would be Selina's job."

The Man of Darkness leaned against his desk and looked down at the jolly man, both men exchanges gazes for a moment. With Santa down with a pierced leg, Seppuku could smell conflict approaching. The faces of Chiya and Earl suggested fear over what would happen next.

"So, what now, fat man?" asked Seppuku.

Santa lowered his eyebrows and answered, "Christmas in Mute City is ruined… Well, unless…" The man turned his head around and explained, "Unless Earl dresses up like Santa and delivers the presents across the Upper City!"

Everyone grunted; Chiya turned to her love and repeated, "Earl?"

"Me?"

Seppuku stomped his foot down, "To Hell with that! I'm Santa!"

"Earl is the best candidate to be Santa," the Christmas legend claimed. "He is kind, jolly, and lives to help others."

Earl nodded, "This is true."

Santa nodded, "Then it's settled. You will take on the role of Santa, Chiya and Seppuku, you two act as his helpers-"

But the lieutenant had one last argument to make, "He can't be Santa. Few know how to command the ultimate power that is 'Santa's Sleigh'; Bendek is not amongst those who could pull it off."

Chiya raised an eyebrow and looked at Earl; to her great surprise, the man nodded in agreement. Even more surprise came with the fact that Santa nodded as well. The jolly man chuckled and gave Seppuku a thumbs-up.

"It is true that you and Chiya are the only ones in this room qualified to control Santa's Sleigh."

The Mysterian jolted up like an arrow, "M- Me?"

"So it's settled," Seppuku announced. "I'm the new Santa. Hit me up with some of that Christmas magic."

"Ho, ho, ho!" Santa's eyes and hands began to glow an electrifying blue, "Christmas… magic!"

Bolts of lightning were shot at the lieutenant, who was propelled back over his desk and onto the floor. He grunted and hit the ground, and as he emerged from behind his desk, the man was revealed to be clothed in a Santa stocking, green scarf, and long fluffy red trench coat. The Man of Darkness smirked while tugging on his new Santa scarf.

"Aw, yeah!" he gloated.

Santa held his stomach and laughed, "And what would Santa be without his gang of elves?"

Claus then fired lightning at Chiya and Earl, forcing green elf clothing onto them. Chiya turned her head and gasped at Earl, then beamed.

"Oh my God, you look so cute!"

Earl blushed and looked at his lover, then grunted, "Oh…"

With puckered lips, Chiya examined her attire. The big notable difference was that, unlike Earl, she had no stockings and wore long green boots. She grunted after discovering that her skirt barely hid her rear, only equipped with panties.

"Wh- Wh- Whoa!" she panicked. "What's with the slutty elf outfit!?"

"Ho, ho, ho!" Santa had nothing more to say on the matter.

Chiya pulled her skirt down a bit more, desperate to cover more skin, "C- Can I have a longer skirt?"

"Santa Claus works in mysterious ways! Ho, ho!" Chiya glared at the Christmas legend, until he explained, "It's all I had in stock."

Seppuku approached his two elves and wrapped an arm around them, "Welp, gang. We've got a new mission," he stated with excitement.

Chiya popped her shoulder out from her tunic and grunted, "A- Am I even wearing a bra?"

Santa stood up with one foot and faced Seppuku, "Now, remember, lieutenant. You must deliver presents to every person on the list."

"Hm, should be no problem with the help of Santa's Sleigh."

Chiya wiggled one leg around with a quirked mouth, "I- I'm pretty sure the underwear is one size smaller than I usually wear. I am not happy about this…"

Earl approached Santa with an excited face, "So, we seriously get to ride on… we seriously get to see Santa's Sleigh?"

"Ho, ho, of course!"

Seppuku grinned after exchanging a glance with Earl, "This is going to be so badass."

Though it took a fair deal of time, Chiya came to accept her skimpy outfit as one to stay for the night. She turned her attention up to Santa and finally revealed excitement.

"We get to ride Santa's Sleigh!?"

"Ho, ho, indeed!"

Her smile became larger, "W- We get to see Rudolph, Blitzen-"

"Indeed, you do!"

Chiya grabbed Earl by the arm and proceeded to jump up and down. "I'm so excited!"

Seppuku looked down at Chiya as she jumped, along with Earl, both men grinned.

"Hey, Flower. Nice underwear."

Chiya crashed onto the floor and held her skirt down, "Bugger off!"

The four walked down the alley leading to the base entrance, it was here that Team Seppuku would be shown the famous ride of Santa Claus—the very ride they would be taking to deliver presents in the Upper City.

Everyone, including Seppuku, was excited to see the legendary Christmas sled. Chiya skipped while holding Earl's hand.

"I'm not going to let this opportunity pass by me; I'm going to pet the reindeer, feed them, smell the sleigh-"

Santa rounded the corner of an alley and extended his hand, "Well, here it is!"

With wide eyes, Chiya pushed Earl aside and ran up to Santa—anxious to see for herself. Seppuku and Earl joined her as she dropped her jaw.

"It's- It's…" Chiya's eyes began to spin around at a wild pace as she pointed forward, "Wh- What!?"

Earl and Seppuku both dropped their jaws in fantasy-like ways. The Korean could have fainted on the spot. Santa chuckled and stepped aside. In front of them was a chrome red 20 foot long F-Zero machine.

"Beho- ho, hold! The legendary Santa's Sleigh in all its glory!"

Earl and Seppuku jumped forward and proceeded to touch the F-Zero machine in amazement; Chiya was left standing still—speechless. Earl pressed his cheek against the body of the machine and exhaled.

"It's a mechanic's dream machine…"

Seppuku nodded, "It's a machine built for a killer…"

Santa leaned against his machine and nodded, "I've been driving Santa's Sleigh for centuries. Not a complaint to be made, she's the toughest machine in the universe."

With a headshake, Chiya flapped her arms wildly and moved forward, "Santa's Sleigh is an F-Zero machine!?"

Everyone turned toward her with raised brows, Seppuku responded, "…yea—ah..?"

"B- Blimey! I didn't know that it was an F-Zero machine!"

"Ho, ho!" Santa chuckled. "What did you think it was?"

The Mysterian grabbed her head, "Um, a red wooden sleigh..!?"

Everyone laughed at her, Earl showed his teeth as he chuckled, "A wooden sleigh? You honestly didn't know that Santa drove an F-Zero machine?"

"No!"

The Korean looked down while continuing to chuckle, "You're so cute, Chiya…"

Seppuku crossed his arms, "You seriously didn't know? The Christmas songs about Santa's Sleigh didn't give it away?"

Chiya raised her lower eyelids while fumbling with words; finally, she addressed a second issue, "No, no, no! I'm being pranked or something… how do you explain your reindeer? I know that reindeer were mentioned!"

Santa chuckled, "No, ho, ho… 'RAYN-DR', not 'reindeer', silly goose!"

Chiya's mouth began to squirm, "What?" She shook her head and asked, "Rudolph—the red-nosed 'reindeer', where is he?"

Santa grabbed onto the hood of his machine and popped it open, revealing a large silver engine with a red nozzle on the front. "Behold! Rudolph! The sound barrier breaking red-nosed RAYN-DR built engine!"

Seppuku dropped his jaw along with Earl's, both men rushed over to the hood to observe the legendary engine.

"Sweet mother of damns!" Seppuku shouted.

Chiya twitched with a sadistic smile. Earl slapped his cheek and asked, "That's Rudolph? The Rudolph? Capable of juicing out over 4,000 km/h?"

"That's the one!" Santa answered.

Chiya at long last approached the machine and looked into the hood. She gazed upon the legendary Rudolph engine, then asked, "Blitzen?"

Seppuku answered her by pointing down, "Blitzen the high-powered combat module."

Earl rubbed his sweating forehead, then turned a happy face behind him, "You seriously didn't know that Santa's Sleigh was an F-Zero machine?"

Chiya was sitting on the ground—without emotion and without words.

Minutes later, Seppuku, now fitted with a big white beard, smacked his finger against the whiteboard in his office. Chiya and Earl, his elves, stood facing the board as they went over the plan for this Christmas night. Santa sat and observed the three from across the room.

"Alright, gang, here's what I'm thinking..." The two associates were surprised to find Seppuku jotting a math equation on the board. "The Upper City has a population of a couple million. There are three of us, a couple million to deliver for, and less than twelve hours to deliver."

Chiya widened her eyes, "Oh my! We'll never be able to pull off such a task in time!"

This was acknowledged by Seppuku with a nod, "Us three alone could never pull it off. But my math shows that one extra person should tip the table in our favor."

"Your math?" Earl raised an eyebrow, "You haven't even solved your equation, yet."

Seppuku raised a brow and looked back at the board; he had written a division problem out, but left it blank. Soon after he faced Earl again and explained his thoughts.

"Recent polls show that a quiet and edgy fourth person would make this work."

"Polls?" Chiya questioned.

Earl crossed his arms and posed a new question, "If not Jody, then just who do you have in mind, anyway?"

In a reality not so cruel and not so dark, the bastard child of the Flower dynasty, Rose Flower—better known as Dark Rose—walked within her living room in a green and white sweater. Gentle Christmas music played in her Upper City abode, the smell of marshmallows lingered through each room, and the lights dim enough to fall asleep under.

With a pleasured face, Rose twirled around in joy before turning off the television. With a bowl of marshmallows in her hand, the clone collapsed onto her couch and curled up into a ball. Beside her was a black female cat, relaxing on a Christmas night, as would Rose.

"I hope you don't mind if I crash next to you, dear," Rose told the cat.

Without a response, Rose rested on the couch and ate to holiday music and a heated house. It was there that she tried dozing off. Unmarried and awaiting a new season of F-Zero, vibrant nights in isolation was a recurring theme for the witch—though she did have a cat to keep her company.

Mere minutes into relaxing on the couch, Rose's eyelids opened a slit, for a knocking came at her door. She gazed upon the ceiling for a few seconds before chewing on another marshmallow, but chose to ignore the knocking.

Silence took over once again, but the knocking returned just seconds into closing her eyes, and thus Rose growled.

"Bloody drunkards, it's far past midnight..."

The girl flipped her body and faced the back of her couch—not a spark of interest to be found in the knocking. Only her cat seemed to respond with appropriate interest. With a tempered face, Rose crossed her arms and resumed trying to rest. It was only after the third string of knocks that Rose would enlist any interest—for the fourth demand of attention came in the form of a foot smashing against her door.

Rose jumped up with wide eyes, her cat bolted off with no morale. The door remained shut, but the kick did give Rose an idea of who to expect at the door.

"Alright, alright! I'm coming! Blimey..."

With a stubborn face, the woman approached the door and straightened her sweater and hair. Lieutenant Seppuku was the face she envisioned seeing once she opened the door, and while she was correct, the envision was well off the radar.

With Chiya and Earl, his elves, standing beside him; Santa Seppuku stood before Rose in a fake white beard. The witch was left without a word, unable to grasp what she was seeing.

Seppuku nodded, "Ah, good, you're still awake, Rose."

The black-haired woman raised her lower eyelids, "...I'm... not so sure about that..."

With glee, Chiya stepped forward and said, "Merry Christmas, Rose!"

"Uh..." Rose's eyes went back and forth between Seppuku and Chiya. "Dare I ask?"

"I shot Santa and now we're going to deliver presents to the Upper City." Rose widened her eyes in response, but was not given a chance to speak. "We've determined that you will make a fine addition to our team on this night."

Rose took a step back with a nervous chuckle, "Team? So, wait... You're on a mission to save Christmas in Mute City?" Seppuku offered nothing more than a stern nod, in which she grinned and said, "Is this a joke? Isn't that a tad bit cliché sounding?"

The Man of Darkness growled, "Well, blow me to Hell! Rose complaining that something is cliché; now I've heard it all..."

The witch returned a half glare, then began to push the door very slowly, "Well, uh, good luck with-"

Seppuku intercepted her attempt to shut the door by striking his foot forward, the clone gulped and took another step back as he forced the door back open.

"Nah, we need you with us tonight, Rose. We need another elf."

"Wh- What!?" A distressed Rose spun around and moved away into the living room, "No, no, no, that's alright. I'll just return to my kitty, it's far past my bedtime, it's too cold out, I've contracted super smallpox-"

Earl walked into the house and leaned against a wall, "C'mon, Rose. Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"In case you haven't noticed, sir..." The witch waved her hand around the room, "I've got a beautiful tree up, Christmas music playing, a sweater on... I'm a Christmas patriot."

Seppuku rubbed his chin, "A Christmas patriot?"

"The greatest," she challenged.

"Good."

Seppuku pointed at Rose and zapped her with Christmas magic, the woman felt nothing upon being hit, but was instantly clothed in black elf attire. She looked down at her attire and yelped.

"Wh- What the Hell!?"

"I've got the damn Christmas magic in me."

Rose began to panic and review her attire, she stomped her foot down after making some of the same discoveries that Chiya had made.

"Put me back in my regular clothing!" she demanded.

"No."

"Bloody bastard! Where did you put my clothing!?"

The lieutenant opened his mouth to speak, but came to a sudden stop. He exchanged glances with Chiya and Earl before admitting, "Uh, I... actually have no idea."

Rose lowered her eyelids, "Great."

A short time later, the four took on the Upper City streets with Santa's Sleigh. The machine was fast, lightweight, and capable of maneuvering tight situations. It took Seppuku no time at all in adapting to the machine full of gifts, and though he hated to admit it, the man was taking quite a liking to the holiday-themed machine.

Chiya, Earl, and Rose sat together behind Seppuku; Chiya was on a very happy spectrum, while Rose remained questionable—she was discontent, at best.

The witch looked out the window and asked, "How exactly are we to explain this machine's presence on the streets? Won't the city folks raise concern when they see this big red machine bolting around the metropolis?"

Earl raised a finger and explained, "When in motion, Santa's Sleigh removes itself from sight—goes invisible."

"Invisible? How?"

Chiya got up into Rose's face and cheered, "Christmas magic!"

Seppuku nodded and drove past the Falcon House, which was decorated in dazzling red, blue, and gold lights. The cafe itself was closed, however, an expensive black car sat up ahead, parked for the time.

"Thank God," Seppuku intervened. "The invisibility will ensure uninterrupted trips to homes."

Up ahead by the Falcon House, the young black-haired Jason Knox returned from a walk with his girlfriend. The egoistic male snapped his fingers and performed a swift spin before pointing at his car.

"Let's hit the movies," he proposed. "We can split the costs."

"Sounds like a plan to me," she answered.

"Heh..!" He kicked his foot down in the thin layer of snow, then with an arm around her said, "If you were a planet, you'd definitely be Big Blue; cause I'm getting lost at sea just-"

Santa's Sleigh then crashed into Jason's expensive car, propelling it off the road and onto the sidewalk. Both Jason and his girlfriend gasped in horror, to them, they saw nothing hit the car—as far as they were concerned, the car sporadically fired off into the air.

"Wh- Wh- My car!" Jason shoved the girl aside and sprinted toward the wreckage, "O- Oh my God! Oh my Go—od!" he whined.

The car ignited on fire. The man dropped onto his knees, to which his girlfriend accompanied him, "W- Will insurance pay for it?"

"How would I even explain this to them!?"

Seppuku and the gang looked back at Jason's blazing car, each with shocked faces. Chiya whipped her head around and glared, "Seppuku!" she almost screamed.

He countered her with, "I thought Bendek said the machine was-"

"Invisible," Earl reinstated. "Not... whatever you thought I said!"

"Welp, damn."

A few minutes later, Santa's Sleigh stopped in front of an Upper City living complex. The Man of Darkness turned toward his workers and nodded.

"Alright, this is it. We're looking for a green present, one for..." he gazed upon his list and nodded, "Sally..?"

The three elves performed a quick search through the bags for said present, it was Earl who came back out with a lengthy package wrapped in green. "Present for Sal."

Seppuku took the present out of Earl's hands and nodded, "Alright, showtime."

The first obstacle for the group came at the structure's door, which was locked. Seppuku throttled the doorknob with frustration.

"Come on, you son of a-"

Rose placed a hand over his shoulder, "It's locked."

"No shit, Christmas Witch."

Seppuku raised his foot, but resisted the urge to knock the door down. Tempered, the man faced his companions—Chiya and Rose were both shivering from the cold, while Earl tried his best to tough it out. The Korean raised a brow at Seppuku, expecting a solution.

"Maybe you can use that Christmas magic to open up the door."

A concerned lieutenant faced the door and gulped, "I've yet to understand the power of Christmas magic; I can try, but that's about all I can do."

The three companions remained around him, and despite the cold, Chiya fired a fist up and shouted optimism at him. "Come on, then! Give it your best go!"

"Well, alright, no promises, though."

The Man of Darkness cracked his knuckles, rolled his head, then reached toward the door. At that moment, he began to conjure up bright blue electricity—his intent being to work the lock from the inside. The three elves backed away to give the man room. Then, with full effort, he blasted the door with Christmas magic. Right before their very eyes, the metal door went out of existence—having made it disappear.

Seppuku lowered his hands and grunted, the door was gone.

"Eh, close enough."

Chiya and Earl exchanged nervous glances, while Rose only hummed and offered her thoughts, "Well, you got it open; except... the owner's going to be bloody mad that you took his door."

"Whatever. Get the present under that tree, pronto."

Team Seppuku invaded the home and met up at the entrance; they were relieved to find some degree of warmth in the home, but this was being destroyed by the chilling breeze coming from the now vacant door.

Seppuku crossed his arms, "Alright, here's the deal." The man faced his team and started off by pointing at Chiya, "Flower, you search for cookies and milk, eat and/or drink if found."

Chiya widened her eyes with puckered lips, "Food!"

"Bendek, you're in charge of laying down the presents." The Korean acknowledged the task with a nod. "Rose, given your quiet personality, I task you with being the scout. Make sure no one is awake to catch us in the act."

Rose nodded, "And what if I am caught?"

The man turned away from her dramatically, "Kill them." Chiya bolted up and opened her mouth to argue, but Seppuku corrected himself, "Actually, no, just do whatever you can to prolong us getting caught."

"Very well," she said with another nod.

Earl then asked, "What will you do, Seppuku?"

The not so jolly middle-aged man crossed his arms, "I will be tasked with leaving anonymous notes detailing the corruption of Jody Summer under trees. And yes, most of it will be fabricated lies."

Chiya glared, "...that isn't a part of Santa's agenda..."

"But it's part of mine. Now, go! Get to work!"

Chiya worked her way around the kitchen in search of cookies and milk; said treats were present on the wood kitchen table. After scanning the room and making sure it was clear of conscious beings, she proceeded to take a quick bite of both cookies on the table, then washed it down with milk.

"Mm—m! I could get used to this job..!" she whispered aloud.

Earl dropped to his knees and began to deploy presents under the Christmas tree, each present belonged to this respective family. The Korean was careful in stacking presents in a decorative way; before he could finish laying down the final present, a yellow piece of paper fell over the pile of gifts. Curious, Earl picked it up and began to read it.

"Five years ago, Jody Summer, Chief Commander of the Galactic Space Federation, endorsed a law implementing children aged 4-10 into the military..."

Earl turned his head and narrowed his eyebrows at Seppuku, "Why, man..?"

"Bendek, stop clowning around and get those presents stacked..!" Rose walked back into the living room and bowed to Seppuku, "Rose, your report?"

"The family is asleep."

"And?"

Rose widened her eyes, "And? And... that's it. They're sleeping."

"Hm... interesting."

Chiya now joined in with fingers in her mouth, "Cookies have been dealt with, Seppuku."

Earl stood up with a grin, "Presents have been deployed."

"Alright, nice." Seppuku acknowledged the group with a thumbs-up, "Let's get out of here."

The next house was of lesser quality and was bordering the Lower City, but still a technical possession of the Upper City. The classic wooden door was ripped straight out of the wall, leaving chunks of the wall falling with it. Outside stood Seppuku and three very startled elves.

"Huh..." Seppuku chuckled, "At least I didn't make it disappear this time."

Earl scratched his chin at the fallen door, already collecting snow, "We as might as well take it; God knows we could use more doors..."

The team entered the now chilly house, where Seppuku brought his arms together in a commanding stance. Chiya came up and leaned against the Man of Darkness, awaiting new orders from the temporary Santa.

"Alright, same plan, same roles. Go!"

Seppuku pulled out another piece of paper and wrote anti-Summer remarks. Chiya tiptoed into the kitchen while Earl carried a sack of presents into the living room. With a look of discontent, Rose groaned and looked up at the ceiling.

"Must I really continue spying on sleeping parents and children?"

"Shut it, or I'll dock your pay."

The witch widened her eyes, "Wait, we're getting paid to do this?"

Seppuku nodded, "Santa owes us money."

"U- Uh—h... after shooting him?"

"He startled me in my own home, uninvited."

Chiya slid across the kitchen floor and pushed herself against a table. An eyebrow raised as she gazed upon several conspiracy magazines, a handgun, and pamphlets supporting Megan Valhalla. Both her eyebrows raised in surprise after spotting a plate and milk—only one cookie sat ready for Santa.

"What the-" the girl stomped her foot down and bloated her cheeks in rage, "Only one cookie? Seriously?" After taking the cookie into hand, the tempered Flower snatched a magazine off the table, "Then I'm taking one of these as well."

Earl was kneeling by the tree in confusion, in his hands was a stuffed animal of high quality; though this didn't seem correct given the person in question. Walking up from behind, Seppuku bent over and unleashed impatient fury upon the Korean.

"Bendek..!" he whispered. "What the Hell's holding you up?"

"I- Is this correct? A stuffed toy?"

Seppuku's brow raised, "No—o, an Osiris bolt action rifle for Sal."

Earl puckered his lips, "A... rifle, for... Sal?"

"Yeah, Sal. Where is it?"

The Korean lowered his eyebrows, "Uh... Didn't we just visit Sal?"

Chiya walked into the room and answered, "No—o, we visited Sally, silly."

Both Chiya and Seppuku sent Earl confused looks, the man looked back and forth between the them and the toys before closing his eyes.

"Oops..."

Seppuku and Chiya exchanged glances, then all Hell went loose.

"Bendek, you didn't. Please tell me you didn't make the stupidest and most cliché of all mistakes..."

Chiya glared, "Earl! You gave little Sally a gun!?"

Earl gritted his teeth and argued, "I- I didn't- We can just go back and switch the gifts, can't we? What was the address?"

Seppuku was swift in bringing up the Christmas list; unfortunately, Sally's personal information had already disappeared from the top of the list. The temporary Santa sighed, "Nope. Sally has been removed from the list."

"What!?"

"Christmas magic," he answered.

Earl chucked the stuffed toy down and glared, "Bull!"

Meanwhile, Rose turned the corner of a hallway with one brow raised; she had heard a creaking sound only seconds ago, but was unsure of whether or not this was a threat. A quick scan was made to her rear, and just as she prepared to turn her head forward, the lights came on.

"Hey!" the man named Sal shouted.

Rose widened her eyes and gasped, "O- Oh..!"

The man cocked his rifle and took aim at her, "You're not a hooker! Right?"

A trembling Rose stepped back while shaking her head, "N- No!" With a forced smile, she bowed and responded, "I am Rose Flower, an elf on a mission-"

Rose was shot in the shoulder, blood ensued that following moment and sprayed the floor.

"Ow, ow, ow! Okay, I'm leaving..!"

The other three, now startled, turned to find a sprinting Rose coming at them. She had chattering teeth as she slapped them. Seppuku raised both his eyebrows in surprise.

"Rose! What the Hell-"

"Go, go, go!" she panicked.

Chiya jolted up, "B- But, Seppuku. The presents!"

"To Hell with the presents! Just leave the stuffed animal; Sally can sell the gun for cash or something!"

With this, Seppuku grabbed onto the Christmas tree, held it up, and chucked it through the window. He punched the remaining glass out and leapt out into the snow. Chiya and Earl leapt out of the house with him. Team Seppuku escaped without a second to spare.

Sal charged into the living room with his rifle and managed to take a quick shot at Santa's Sleigh—Team Seppuku was out of sight in no less than three seconds. With the intruders now gone, Sal set his rifle down and smirked.

"You'll have to try better than that if you wanna steal my guns, Jody..." he gloated.

Everyone but Seppuku was panting as they rushed away from this home. Despite having been shot through the shoulder, Rose did not look as frightened as her two elf companions. Fortunately for Rose, flesh wounds were three times as easy to recover from due to her exotic blood type and Dark Million genetic slicing.

"Th- That was a close one!" Rose lectured.

Seppuku shrugged, "Mhm. So, let's see what house we'll be hitting next..."

At that moment, Seppuku was surprised to find a sharp blade brought up to his throat by none other than the darkest Flower of the family.

"The only house I'll be hitting next is my house!"

Chiya and Earl gasped, "R- Rose!"

"Come on, Rose!" Earl panicked.

Rose barred her teeth and said, "I will cut this man if he does not return me from this abduction!"

Seppuku sighed, then chuckled, "Rose, Rose, Rose... You're just on your period or something..."

The witch widened her eyes, then flamed up, "Oh, I'm bleeding, alright! My whole shoulder is a bloody mess right now!"

"Heh... I'm confident that I can convince you to stay through persuasive talks..."

Rose retracted her weapon with narrowed eyes, "There is nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise..."

"Wow," Rose said with a smile. "Those were some very persuasive and comical talks. I'm glad we had that conversation."

Seppuku chuckled, "Indeed, they were hilarious." The man scratched his chin and questioned, "I'm only curious as to why you only just told me this now that we visited six more houses."

With eight homes down in total, Seppuku parked the Santa's Sleigh by a curb and turned it off. Then, he spun his seat around and faced the elves with a very optimistic face.

"Alright, gang! Progress report!" He clapped his hands and explained, "We are making extraordinary progress! In only one hour, we have visited eight homes."

Chiya sat up straight and cheered, "Woohoo! Go Team Seppuku!"

The man nodded, "Love your enthusiasm, Flower." He licked his lips and continued, "Eight houses in one hour; and we have only, oh, one... or... two million houses to go?" Chiya and Earl lowered their eyelids in disappointment. The Man of Darkness nodded at their disappointment, "In case you haven't figured this much out, I'm being sarcastic; we're getting our ass kicked by a task that isn't humanly possible."

Chiya raised her sad face and asked, "Well, we need to work harder! Santa's counting on us!"

Seppuku snapped his fingers, "Considering we have less than ten hours left, and millions of homes to visit; we have a total of six hundred plus minutes to deliver over two million presents. And even if we somehow could deliver presents to a different house every second, we still wouldn't make it."

Rose, with lacking optimism, lowered her eyelids, "So, basically, we're screwed?"

The Man of Darkness sighed, "Yep, we failed. Christmas is ruined."

"Bloody Hell..."

The End.

Merry Christmas!

(Apologies to readers viewing this on Fanfiction; this joke is partly missed due to the lack of formatting options)

"Okay, wait." Seppuku exhaled, "I do have a Plan B..."

Everyone in the cockpit exchanged glances, Chiya of all people was most relieved by this announcement.

"Thank God! Are you certain that it'll work!?"

The Man of Darkness gave an uncertain look, but soon nodded, "It should, I'm pretty sure it will..."

And so Team Seppuku made the quick travel back to the base, the lieutenant claiming to have one more trick up his sleeve. Given that there was no scientifically plausible way of accomplishing the delivery my morning, they had nothing to lose but try alternative strategies.

Rose kicked open the door leading to the hallway.

"Rose..." Seppuku lectured.

The four walked alongside each other as they made their way toward the office; with Seppuku leading the pack, he scratched his chin contemplating on the mission. Things were, as of this moment, not going in their favor in any sense; even he wondered if there was actual plausibility in his backup plan. He could hope for the best and either walk off a Christmas hero or antagonist.

"Alright," he said with a raised tone. "We're going to bring up my thoughts to The Claus, get back onto the streets, and-"

They opened the door to the office, where an irate Jody Summer stood waiting.

"-then I slam your ass in prison."

Seppuku cracked his knuckles, "Wh- What!? Who called the bat!?"

"...sorry..." Chiya muttered.

Santa Claus was behind Seppuku's desk with his foot up, this demanded some degree of anger from the lieutenant, but the majority of his attention rested with the second intruding person—Jody. The chief commander approached Seppuku and vice versa, two 'friendly' rivals with zero fear for the other.

"Seppuku, you've stooped to a new level of low by shooting Santa Claus."

The man raised his finger to respond, then offered the obvious rebuttal, "He was intruding on my property; I acted on the castle law doctrine you authorized for citizens of Mute City."

Jody narrowed her eyes and responded, "Santa Claus is exempted from that rule."

The Man of Darkness crossed his arms and looked away in disgust, "What the Hell are you talking about?"

"Mute City Articles XI, founded five years ago, has a law stating that: Any land title may be designated as defensible property through any measure of weaponry or combat that the owner sees fit to use against intruders. Exempted from this rule are family, invited guests, supernatural holiday beings, and Canadians."

"Bullshit."

Jody lowered her eyelids and shrugged, "And regardless, the castle law doctrine only applies to owners and their 'property'; you do not own this building, you live here illegally, you do not pay taxes—thus it is not your property."

Seppuku looked back at his companions for help, each of which gave him uncertain looks. After careful thinking, the Man of Darkness found himself surrounded by Jody's arguments—for once, he had to fold to her.

"Well, damn..." He turned to face Santa, "I guess I owe you an apology, Santa..."

"Ho, ho, ho!" the jolly man said with glee.

Jody spun around and glared at the Christmas legend, "Wh- What? No! He broke about six laws tonight—including ones he probably broke while out and about tonight!"

"You are forgiven, my child," Santa said with a nod.

"Thanks, Santa bro."

Jody closed her eyes and shook, "Okay, but I'm the authority figure here, and I'm going to have him arrested."

Just as Jody pulled out some handcuffs, Chiya slid between the three older adults; there she flapped her arms with a bright look of hope.

"But, Jody! If you arrest Seppuku, then Christmas is ruined!"

Jody sighed, "Child..."

Seppuku chuckled, "You're from Bavaria, you claim?"

"What does my country of origin possibly have to-"

"Krampus."

With a raised brow of surprise, Jody responded, "What?"

"You're Krampus. It all makes sense now."

"Ho, ho—o!?"

Chiya gasped and took steps backward, "My goodness..!"

"Idiots, I am not Krampus..."

Rose crossed her arms with lowered eyelids, "I dunno, makes sense to me."

Jody crossed her arms in a fury before swinging her arms around her body in very coordinated ways, "Krampus is a tall figure of demonic features and intent; I am-"

Seppuku interrupted Jody and turned his attention onto Santa, "Yo, Santa, we're giving up on the house to house shtick."

Santa's jolly smile faded, "What?"

"Yeah, that wasn't working out for us. We've given up."

The fat man twizzled his mustache and sighed, "Oh dear, oh dear..."

Earl moved up by Chiya and gave Earl a questionable look, "Uh, what about that new plan of yours?"

The Man of Darkness thought carefully on how to go about bringing up such a topic. After almost a whole minute of thinking, he looked down upon Santa and asked, "I need a little extra help—an object."

"An object?"

"Yeah..." The tall man extended his arm and requested, "An unopened present, one that materializes anything I desire before opening it."

"Any... thing?" Santa repeated with suspicion.

Seppuku responded with nothing but a nod. Santa blinked at the lieutenant's request for such an offer; essentially, a blank check—but better. If such a request were granted, Seppuku could create one thing that he desires—no limitation on the value or power of the wished object. The Man of Darkness had a final plan on how to save Christmas, though he felt that such a plan could only be properly executed with such demanding power.

"Do you trust me, Santa?"

Santa looked at everyone, who nodded in agreement to Seppuku's request—except for Jody, who shook her head. The fat man blinked a few times, then without further ado, nodded, "Yes, I trust you."

"Idiot," Jody face palmed.

Santa stood up on a single foot, stretched his arms forward, then sent electricity down upon Seppuku's desk, "Christmas magic!" And so a bright red and green present was created. "Before opening it, imagine the object you wish to see, and it will come true."

"Sweet."

Seppuku grabbed the box, but found Jody's hands over his. The two exchanged hostile stares while fighting for control of it.

The chief commander hissed, "There is no way in Hell I am allowing power of that magnitude to be held by an overgrown child."

"Summer, for the love of God!" he complained.

Chiya, Earl, and Rose convened on Seppuku's side, but the chief commander did not budge in her desire to see Seppuku fail. Chiya placed a hand over the present in question and gave Jody bloated cheeks of discontent.

"Jody, just let Seppuku try and save Christmas."

Earl added onto the debate, "Seppuku's been trying his hardest to keep Christmas steady-"

"I am not letting the man who shoots homeless criminals for entertainment act on behalf of Santa Claus!"

Seppuku groaned, "If it makes you feel any better, I actually do require your services to pull this task off."

The chief commander raised an eyebrow while gazing straight into Seppuku's visor, "Oh?"

"Part of my plan requires access to your office."

"In Federation Headquarters?"

"No, in Cuba," he responded sarcastically.

Jody swished her lips around while contemplating, "Interesting, but far too demanding."

The lieutenant stroked his white beard and shrugged, "I need you present the entire time, think of it as your opportunity to supervise my actions. What could go wrong on your watch?"

"Inter-est-ing..." she muttered.

Earl grinned, "Coming from Jody, that sounds like acceptance to me."

"Yep," Seppuku agreed. The Man of Darkness raised his hands up toward Jody, "Christmas magic."

He zapped the chief commander with the intent of putting her in appropriate Christmas attire—but nothing happened, to everyone's surprise. Even Santa raised his eyebrows.

Jody glared, "What the Hell was that!?"

"...Christmas magic..?"

The woman pulled out a taser and took Seppuku down.

Minutes after Seppuku's shocking experience, he and his elves took to the streets once more, with Jody not far behind in the White Cat. Understandably, Jody had taken Santa along with her. Seppuku had earned Jody's approval for this mission, just barely and only under the terms that she may act as a commander in the operation. If Seppuku stepped out of line, she would have him removed from the scene without hesitation. With a gift of unlimited potential in his grasp and the support of chief commander Jody Summer, Seppuku was certain that things would go his way.

The elves were silent, as was Santa Seppuku. Still, Rose was the most status quo of the four; as far as she was concerned, the witch had merely fallen into an obscure slumber on her couch and had yet to awaken. Chiya retained holiday cheer, still believing that a Christmas miracle would arrive in time to save the day. Earl's mind was as distant as could be.

The Korean muttered, " Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful... " Everyone turned their heads toward the man. " And since we've got no place to go... "

With a cute smile, Rose chimed in, " Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... " Chiya's smile became larger as she looked back and forth between Earl and Rose. The witch continued, " Oh it doesn't show signs of stopping, and I've brought some corn for popping... "

To their surprise, Seppuku grumbled before answering in a deep tone, " The lights are turned way down low... Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... "

Chiya's excitement peaked, in which she then sang, " O—oh, Christmas tree! O—oh, Christmas tree! The leaves are so—o un- "

"Flower!"

The Mysterian dropped her smile, "Yes?"

Seppuku lectured, "We're not singing that song! What the Hell."

"Oh... I-"

"Why would you even do that?"

Chiya scratched her head with puckered lips, "Oka—ay, lemme try again..."

Seppuku was unwilling, he turned his attention back toward the road and established, "New rule, singing is banned forever so as long as I'm in the car."

Rose raised a brow, "Does that include... humming?"

"Yes."

"That's not fair!" Chiya complained.

"Yeah, that's stupid!" Rose said with narrowed brows.

Seppuku lowered his head, "New rule: Everyone shut the Hell up."

Finally, their journey to the Federation HQ came to an end. The elevator door leading into Jody's office was beat against very loudly, when it opened, Seppuku came hopping into the office while holding his foot in pain.

Jody walked in with him and explained, "You can't kick open an elevator door, idiot."

The elves dispersed into the dark office along with Santa Claus, who walked with crutches. After kicking off the pain, Seppuku held up the present and exhaled. Everyone gazed upon him in anticipation, wondering what Seppuku wished for the box to contain. Everyone approached Jody's metal desk, where he placed the present down with gentleness.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time..."

Chiya gulped and got close to Earl, Rose and Jody enlisted extreme interest in the package, which the man took his time to unwrap. Once snapping the ribbon off, Seppuku ripped off the red wrapping. Sweat began to build up over his forehead as he moved in for the tape holding the box together. With his stubby fingers, he worked on removing said tape—he had no success in doing so.

"Wh- What the Hell! I can't get this damn tape off!"

"Idiot."

Jody pushed Seppuku aside and worked on getting her nails under the tape; she scraped and pushed with all her might, but only removed pieces of the cardboard. Within moments, Jody broke a nail and gasped, then entered a rage. She grabbed the box and threw it down onto the floor.

She turned to Santa, "Why did you use this tape? It's impossible to remove!"

"Ho, ho! It's cheap!"

"Bastard..." Seppuku growled.

Seppuku brought the present back onto the desk, and with little remaining patience, struck it with his claymore sword. Once again, everyone gathered around the desk to observe its opening. The lieutenant ripped the box apart, then gasped in absolute shock.

"My God... it's perfect!"

The man dropped his hands into the present, then lifted up the object in question. Everyone grunted and widened their eyes. Like a legendary sword, Seppuku held up a golden-brown bottle.

"Ye Old Swatslandic Beverage. 24 ounces. 200 years of age..." Seppuku embraced the bottle like a child, "I am the first man to ever-"

Jody stomped her foot down like an anvil, "What the Hell did this have to do with saving Christmas!?"

The man sighed, pat the beer with care, then slipped it into his coat. Afterwards, he pushed the open gift off the desk and walked behind it.

"You're right; onto business, as usual..." The Man of Darkness opened up a desk panel revealing various emergency execution buttons, Jody's eyes widened as he did so. Before she could stop him, he had already smashed his fist down on the metropolis alarm. "On with the show..."

"Bendek, hook up that microphone to the desk. Rose and Chiya, guard the door..."

The two Flowers nodded and rushed to the elevator door, though they were unsure of how to actually 'guard' said door. Jody looked around the room in a frantic nature, Santa was sitting in a chair with great interest, but not doubting Seppuku's intentions, yet. Jody, on the other hand...

The chief commander pulled a gun out on Seppuku, placing it clean over his forehead, "That's it. You're done. Get out of my desk or I will kill you."

Seppuku dipped his head down and challenged, "But Jody, I'm the one with the gun..."

Jody implemented a confused look, "Um... what..?"

Then, taking advantage of her confusion, Seppuku zapped her gun, "Christmas magic!"

The gun was gone, as was Jody's sense of what was going on. "Wha- What the Hell!? Where did you put my gun!?"

The man shrugged, "I don't know, I guess it's with everyone's underwear and a few doors."

Jody twitched, meanwhile, Earl handed Seppuku a microphone connected to the same output device as the metropolis alarms. The chief commander had no intention of letting Seppuku walk free on this one, but alas, she was now unarmed.

"Just trust me, Summer."

The woman glared with high energy, "Trust you!? You've sounded the-" She sighed and discontinued her thought, "Oh, what does it matter. I'm going to be fired, either way..."

The fake Santa browsed the emergency execution buttons for the metropolis' intercom system, once found, he switched it on and faced the large window behind him. Gazing upon the snow-covered metropolis, he continued to execute his plan.

"Citizens of the Upper City," Seppuku called upon. "I am Santa Claus..."

Just about every soul in Mute City and beyond gazed upon the Federation HQ with wide eyes, traffic had come to a complete stop. Even Jason Knox, traveling the sidewalks alone, found himself staring at the HQ with a dropped jaw. Bart Lemming, clothed in nothing but a gown and slippers, walked out from his abode with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Hm," Lemming hummed with a grin. "Not sure if I should be petrified or overjoyed..."

Seppuku approached stared at the stopped traffic and nodded, "It's Christmas, and I've got plenty of presents for the somewhat wonderful people of the Upper City. So, get your asses down to the Federation parking lot. Right now. Get down to the Federation parking lot or I will personally come down and kick your asses. All of them."

Citizens of the Upper City trembled in fear at the threats 'Santa' sent them, but it was working, as the population moved in masses toward the HQ.

"I know who's been naughty and nice, so I probably know where you are as well. Don't try me. I will kick anyone's ass who is not in the damn parking lot in five minutes..." Seppuku cleared his throat, "Excluding the disabled, because that's just wrong..."

Santa hopped over to the window and laughed, "It's working! You're bringing everyone to us to receive their presents!"

Seppuku repeated, "Everyone, get the Hell to the parking lot. I've got presents to deliver and beer to drink afterwards." Immediately after saying this, Seppuku lowered the microphone and turned around, "See, Summer? I told you-"

The chief commander was on the ground, having fainted from frustration and shock.

"Oh, shoot." Seppuku looked over at Santa and requested, "Hey, can you revive the bat? Contrary to what you've seen, I do potentially like her."

"Ho, ho, ho! Done!"

Santa fired his Christmas magic at Jody, in which she instantly awoke.

"Scheißer!"

Seppuku soon exited the Federation HQ with his elves, Santa Claus remained in Jody's office due to the complications dealt to his leg. Now, Jody followed Team Seppuku with her own team, comprised of Dr. Stewart, Dr. Clash, Mr. EAD, Rick Wheeler, Jack Levin. Yuri Anderson and his men were also present on the scene, ready to take down 'Santa' if need be.

The Man of Darkness stood before the millions of citizens, then raised his hands into the air.

"My people, I have come forth bearing presents to celebrate the human ability to share and all that stuff..."

An extent of the population cheered his intentions on, in which made even Jody raise her eyebrows. With this being said, Seppuku had Earl and Chiya hand him presents from the bag. He held two presents up.

"With that said, let the sharing commence!" Seppuku gazed upon the first present he was holding, "Okay, uh, the first one is for... Lisa... Su- Suo- Suo- ...who the Hell came up with this name? It's awful..."

And so throughout the night, gifts were passed down upon the people of the Upper City one by one. Seppuku, Chiya, Earl, Rose, and even Jody's team aided in the offerings. Combined, progress was made at an intensive rate. Crowds of people would leave with gifts every few minutes, even Jason Knox found himself gifted.

The black-haired man opened his gift and glared, "Sandpaper?"

Seppuku nodded, "To fix your car with."

"Oh... great..."

While Seppuku may not have been very considerate or overjoyed by the moment, his companions were; Chiya and Rose both expressed immense joy in offering citizens presents, even Earl found joy in that this small act of kindness would help combat the wrongdoings of his past. Overall, Seppuku's plan was a success—even if it was done through very unorthodox and criminal-like execution.

As many hours went by, the final soul had acquired gifts. Exhausted and relieved to be done, Seppuku tore off his white beard and mustache, then his red stocking.

"Done."

Clapping came from behind, both Team Seppuku and Team Summer turned to find Santa Claus approaching them with two working legs. The sight of Santa able to walk agitated Seppuku on the mark.

"What the Hell! You can walk, fat man?"

"Ho, ho, ho! Seppuku, I was never in peril!"

Chiya gasped, "You weren't?"

"No, ho, ho!"

The team convened and faced Santa, Earl held his arms out and asked, "Why, Santa? Why would you lie about your leg?"

Seppuku cracked his knuckles with barred teeth, "Get squawking..."

The Christmas legend put his hands together and answered, "To teach you a lesson about sharing!"

"I'm feeling about ready to share my foot with your ass..."

Santa raised a finger, "Ho, ho, perhaps later." He turned to face his companions, "Don't you feel satisfaction knowing that you took part in something this year, rather than sitting around and waiting to receive?"

Rose hummed, "I guess it was nice trying to deliver those presents; at least our intent was good..."

Santa placed a hand over the witch's shoulder, "Next time, leave the gift delivery to One Day Shipping services..."

Chiya hummed as well, with an arm around Earl, "It was nice coming together as friends with a common goal of making others happy."

The Christmas legend faced Seppuku, Chiya, Earl, Rose, and Jody, "But now, it's time for your presents!" With a tongue stuck out, he electrocuted everyone, "Christmas... magic!"

The five found themselves standing with boxes in their hands, Jody and Seppuku were the only two left with startled faces. Chiya, Earl, and Rose exchanged excited glances.

"Each box contains a desire! What desire may each contain? Go ahead, find out!"

Without hesitation, everyone began to unwrap their gifts. Seppuku shot his open with a gun and held it up, which caused Jody to glare.

"Oh, right! I'm throwing your ass in the slammer! So, enjoy your present, lieutenant."

Seppuku gasped upon looking inside the present, "Oh my gosh, look!" With a pleased face, Seppuku pulled a card out of the box, "It's a 'get out of jail' card! Signed by Jody Summer herself!"

Jody's eyes widened; the back of the card contained a small text contract promising the continued freedom of Lieutenant Seppuku. The bottom of the card was signed by Jody Summer.

The Man of Darkness chuckled, "Looks like I'm free."

Jody swung herself around toward Santa, "I didn't sign that."

"Ho, ho, ho! But it is your signature!"

"I didn't sign that. It's an illegal contract, fabricated nonsense."

Santa waved his finger in disapproval, "It is your signature, signed by you."

"No, it's not!"

Seppuku snickered, "Nope, it's real. You signed it."

Jody began to glow red, "That doesn't-" She looked down at her present, dug inside, then smirked. Right against Seppuku's face, Jody slapped Seppuku with much of the same. "Oh, look, a 'go to jail' card signed by Lieutenant Seppuku."

Seppuku stomped his foot down, "I didn't sign that! Who the Hell would sign such nonsense!?"

Santa chuckled, "It's your signature."

"Bull! That's fabricated nonsense!"

Jody nodded, "At any rate, I'm using this to put you in prison."

Seppuku growled, "Then I'm using this to exempt myself!"

The two became silent, faced with the issue of contradiction. Through the power of Christmas magic illegally forging signatures, both gifts essentially canceled the other out. Jody and Seppuku continued on with their tension-filled moment, until Seppuku lowered his card.

"Status quo?" he proposed.

"As always..."

Earl looked inside his present and smiled, "Oh, wow!" The Korean pulled out two tipless leather gloves, an exact replica of those once worn by Korea's finest leader. He put them on with a wide smile. "Can't wait to work these things out in the garage."

Rose lifted the top of her present off and looked inside. She grunted and blushed as various photos of a half-naked Earl came into sight; many in very suggestive poses. The witch eyed many of the photos with an expanding blush.

Earl faced Rose with a grin, "What did you get, Rose?"

The witch slammed the present shut, "Sc- Scented candles."

Rose and Earl both got beside Chiya as she began to open the present. Her eyes widened and glistened upon looking at the contents. Santa winked at Chiya, while Seppuku turned and asked the question.

"What did you get, Flower?"

From behind Seppuku's desk, on the computer in secret, Chiya typed aloud, "And then Chiya pulled out a teleporter that took Earl to their new mansion out in the country. With them came Mauser and twenty new cats. The twenty-one cats lived outside with them happily and Earl had sex with Chiya for the first time and she got pregnant, had five babies, and they all lived happily ever after." Chiya pressed enter, "The End."

Seppuku kicked open the door to his office and flipped on the lights, Chiya widened her eyes and quickly saved her work.

"Flower! What the Hell are you doing in my office!?" he lectured.

"Writing a Christmas story-"

"Get out."

"No!"

Merry Christmas!