Chapter 15: Struggling

Now that everyone was back together, they all headed out through the woods. Riley was introduced to each of them beforehand. She was still a bit wary about them, mainly because she didn't know any of them very well besides Rick and Michonne, but Carl trusted them so she would try to trust them too.

One thing that really surprised her was the fact that his baby sister was still alive. Somehow, she had made it through and the happiness he showed on his face had to be the most joyful she had seen him. The only times she saw him truly happy occurred when they escaped the school alive and when they romped around in the mud. Every other moment with him had been serious.

His joy turned the gears in her head, making her think about the deaths of the two men on her hands. It was something she couldn't stop thinking about. If she could kill two people, how many more could she? Did it make her a monster? Sure they were bad men, but...

These thoughts continued to tumble through her mind as they traipsed through the woods, sun beating down on them every second. She tried to distract herself with studying each of the others and trying to get a read on them, but it didn't do much good. Some of them, such as Daryl, were so stoic they were hard to read. The couples stood out a little bit more, simply because they were being very affectionate and teasing with each other. The rest stood somewhere in between.

After what seemed like hours, they settled down for a break. Food ran low, so Daryl decided to venture out a bit further and see if he could find anything. Others stood watch and Carl sat on a nearby rock feeding Judith. She watched the way he tilted the bottle up and how he held her and the way his lips tugged into a small smile as he watched her.

He noticed her not too long after she started watching him and his smile grew. "You wanna feed her?"

Her eyes went wide. "What ah...I didn't have siblings so I don't-"

"I'll show you."

Within a few strides, he came to her side and settled down next to her, placing Judith in her lap. Riley lifted her hands, completely unsure of what to do as she looked down at the baby now in her lap.

"Here, put your hand here," he chuckled, guiding her left hand to her back to hold her upright. "And hold the bottle up and she'll do the rest."

A little bit of hesitation later, she was able to hold the bottle in the perfect position for Judith to suckle away at the formula. How could something so tiny and innocent be untouched by this world? She felt like she would break her if she did something wrong.

"See? Not that hard," he said with a small smile, sitting down next to her, shoulder to shoulder.

He was right. It wasn't that hard. She was just afraid of doing something to hurt her. But seeing something so strong and thriving yet innocent at the same time made her think that maybe she could be that way too. Keep her humanity somehow and stay like a baby. Like Judith.

Rick called for everyone to get up so they could get moving again, so she handed Carl's sister to Tyreese, who carried her in his backpack. Everyone formed a little line again and they headed off into the woods, running into Daryl before they got too far. He had a rope full of squirrels, which would be good for dinner. At least they would have something to eat and not go a night with their stomachs empty.

The day stretched on, minutes advancing like hours. Surprisingly, they didn't run into any of the dead, but any of them within miles of Terminus was probably back there after all the noise of the fire and explosions. It was only when the light began to fade did they find a safe spot to settle down. The squirrels were meaty enough that they all got enough to at least take the edge off.

Rick and a few others kept watch. Carl fell asleep soon after eating and everyone else had split off into smaller groups to talk. Only one couple lingered nearby. Glenn and Maggie sat across the low-burning fire from her. No one said much until she completely zoned out on the fire as she looked deep within herself for answers to the thoughts running through her head.

"You okay?" Glenn suddenly asked, causing her to whip her eyes up to meet his.

"Huh?" she answered, as she hadn't completely removed herself from her own head.

"You, are you...alright? You seem distant," he repeated.

Almost robotically, she nodded. "Yeah...fine."

Maggie shifted her head on his shoulder. "If you need to talk, we're always here. It was pretty bad back there. And you're our family now."

Riley's mind began to reel. Family? Our family... She hadn't had a family since her parents died...

After a moment of hesitation, she asked, "have you ever...done something you didn't want to do? Something you knew was wrong but...you had to do it?"

Without missing a beat, he answered, "yeah. All the time."

"Does it get any easier?" she pressed.

He shook his head. "No. But it shouldn't be easy. It means you still have yourself."

Those words stuck with her the rest of the night until she finally dozed off against the hard ground. Her sleep was disjointed and uncomfortable, but she got a few good chunks of sleep to make her feel refreshed in the morning. The dreams that clouded her mind filled with gory images of the bodies she'd killed, which made her wake up with a jolt. By that time, it was light enough that sleep evaded her, so she got up for the day. The morning went by quickly and everyone was up and ready to go by the time the sun came up.

All of them fell into line again and started through the woods. They didn't get very far before loud cries of help reached their ears.

"Help! Please someone help!"

Carl sprang to action, looking to his dad and pleading for them to go and help. It was a wonder he wanted to help anyone after what happened at Terminus, but she remembered that the last time they didn't help someone, they got into some big trouble. Maybe it was a better idea to see what was happening.

Rick agreed with a nod and they all took off toward the cries. As they neared, she spotted several walkers around a large boulder with a man sitting on top and crying out. None of them hesitated to kill them off. She took a shot at the one nearest to her and it crumpled to the ground. When they were all dead, Rick approached the rock.

"Come on down," he told the man.

Clearly shaken, he slowly slid down, blinking in fear.

"You okay?" Rick asked.

The man held up his finger and then promptly vomited off to the side. Riley's lips curled in disgust and she looked away, shifting her weight and catching Carl's eye.

"S-sorry," he muttered, straightening up and bringing their attention back to him. "Thank you... I'm Gabriel."

Their leader didn't hesitate to get straight to the point. "Do you have any weapons on you?"

"Does it look like I have any on me?" Gabriel queried, glancing down at himself.

Abraham said something that she didn't even know what it meant, but she had a feeling it was an insult.

"I have no weapons of any kind... The Word of God is the only protection I need."

"Sure didn't look like it," Daryl muttered.

"I called for help...Help came."

Everything got quiet for a second.

"Do you have any food? Everything I had left just hit the ground..."

Carl decided to venture forth with a few nuts in his hand to offer. "Got some pecans."

Gabriel took them gratefully and thanked him. His gaze drew to the back of the group where Judith and Tyreese stood. "That's a beautiful child...Do you have a camp?"

"No," Rick answered, "do you?"

"I have a church."

Rick seemed done with the conversation, finally deciding to search the man instead of waiting for the conversation to awkwardly continue. He asked the same three questions she had been asked when they first met and surprisingly Gabriel hadn't killed anyone or anything. Everyone seemed unsure about him, but in the end, they decided to go back to his church for shelter.

Carl took hold of Judith for Tyreese and they headed down the path that Gabriel led for them. There was a bit of talking up ahead, but she only payed attention to the boy beside her.

"What do you think of him?" she asked, not sure if she trusted him. Mainly because she didn't trust strangers very well.

"I dunno. Seems a bit hard to believe he hasn't killed any walkers," he responded, glancing her way.

"Yeah, I know... He seems friendlier than most of the people we've met... I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing..."

"Not everyone's bad. We're not. There has to be other good people too."

She'd like to believe that, but it was hard when everyone they met had tried to kill them or hurt them in some way.

They reached the church, which still stood beautifully among the overgrowing foliage. When they approached, Rick halted everyone and told Gabriel he wanted to look around inside before they were led in. The main five went inside with guns ready while she and the rest stayed outside. It seemed like ages before they emerged again and said that it was clear. The priest tried to crack a joke about how no one could be inside, but it didn't fly over very well.

Carl decided to roll with it anyway. "Thanks for this."

She sent a nod toward him as he headed inside and the others decided to start talking about what they needed. Abraham wanted to take the bus that was in the back and continue moving, but everyone else wanted to get supplies first and take a breath. If she were being honest, a breath sounded nice. The past few days had been crazy and even one night without having to sleep with an eye open would help.

She followed the others inside the church, taking a glance around. It seemed perfectly untouched. Whether that turned out to be a good or bad thing hadn't been determined yet.

Sitting down on a pew, she took in a deep breath, tuning everything out and closing her eyes. It was a few moments she got to herself before Rick interrupted it.

"Riley, I need to talk to Carl," he said, glancing between the two.

With a swift nod, she pushed herself to her feet and wandered a few pews back, staying within listening distance but far enough to give them privacy. She pretended to be occupied with one of the hymn books, but kept an ear out.

Rick started out with, "I don't trust this guy..."

"Why?" Carl asked.

"Why do you trust him?"

"Everybody can't be bad."

Exactly what he had told her.

"Well...I don't trust this guy. And that's why I'm bringing him with me. But he could have friends. So I need you to stay alert and help Tyreese and Riley protect Judith. Okay?"

She glanced up from the book in time to see his son nod in agreement.

"Now I need you to listen to what I have to say," Rick continued, tone more serious. "You are not safe. No matter how many people are around or how clear the area looks. No matter what anyone says, no matter what you think...you are not safe. It only takes one second. One second and it's over. Never let your guard down. Ever. I want you to promise me."

Without a beat, Carl answered, "I promise."

Rick stood, catching her eye and she quickly looked away, back down at the hymn book.

"Dad... You're right. I am strong. We both are. But we're strong enough that we can still help people. We helped Riley... And we can handle ourselves if things go wrong. And we're strong enough that we don't have to be afraid. And we don't have to hide."

If only she could truly believe that.

As she put the book down, his father passed and left the building. Carl shuffled over to her, taking his hat off, brushing his sweaty hair back, and then putting the hat back on.

"You wanna help me look around the place? May not be as safe as it seems," he muttered.

"Sure. We should tell Tyreese we're going out though," she suggested.

"Alright. You wait here."

He disappeared into the office and then reappeared a few minutes later.

"Come on."

Riley started toward the doors, stepping outside into the light. She squinted, spotting Abraham working on the bus off to the left.

"I wished for once there would be clouds," she huffed, putting a hand up to block some of the sun from coming in their eyes as they started to the side of the building to look around.

"If I find sunglasses, I'll make sure you get them," he joked. "Or you could always get something like this."

He scooped the sheriff's hat off his head and plopped it onto hers. It was a bit big on her and fell down to the top of her eyes, but it did effectively block out the sun. She snorted.

"Yeah and now I won't be able to see anything."

"I didn't say it would fit, just said it would block the sun."

Rolling her eyes, she pushed the hat up a bit further so she could see better. "Do I look like I could be a sheriff?"

She leaned back against the wall of the church, raising her eyebrows and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well...not really. You're too tiny," he teased, reaching over and snatching the hat back.

Her mouth formed an "o" and she jumped over to try and take the hat back, but he held it up out of her reach. "Hey, give that back, I'm the sheriff of this town."

His lips formed a smug smirk and he took a few steps back, waving it above his head. "No can do."

Riley's jaw set in determination and she leaped up, fingers skimming the hat just slightly out of her reach. However, she completely miscalculated her jump and ended up ramming right into his chest. He didn't expect her to stumble into him, so he lost his balance and dragged her down in an attempt to keep himself upright. She landed on top of him, the hat tumbling out of his hands a few feet away.

Blinking, she looked down at him, propping herself up so he could breathe. "Oops, sorry I didn't mean to knock you over... Or maybe I did."

Her lips curled into a mischievous smirk, but he didn't say anything, his large blue eyes locked on her face.

"Carl...?" She waved a hand in front of his face. "Earth to Carl."

His breath suddenly hitched and he sat up a little, prompting her to get up as well.

"Sorry, just...," he trailed, scooting away and grabbing the hat. "Here, you can wear it for the day. Looks better on you anyway."

He placed it on her head and dusted himself off, turning awkwardly to look at the siding on the church. What just happened?

"Okay... Let's keep looking around," she said with a shrug, pushing the rim of the hat upwards.

"Good idea," he agreed.

The two of them started to poke around, trying to find anything out of place or something that might be dangerous. The strangest thing they found were words carved into the wood. Someone had been mad at Gabriel, that much was obvious.

"Hey look at this," he said suddenly, pointing to deep marks on the wood of the window.

She moved forward to study it, tilting her head to the side.

Rick suddenly appeared, heading over to the two. "Hey. Tyreese said you were out back. Come on in. We found food. A lot of it."

Turning slightly, she looked up at him to notice he was eyeing the hat on her head in a strange manner.

"Good," Carl said absently, hands on his hips.

"What is it?" his father asked, moving forward to look at what his son was looking at.

Riley reached over to point at the deep marks on the window frame.

"Those scratches, they're deep. Like knives or something. Someone was trying to get in. We found something else, too. And I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, we can handle it. Doesn't mean Gabriel's a bad guy for sure, but...it means something."

They headed around the corner to where the words they found sat etched into the wall. "You'll burn for this", to be exact. Rick didn't say much of anything and simply stared at the words, running his thumb over them.

"Let's go inside...get some food ready," he said after a moment, motioning for the two to follow.

She shared a glance with Carl before the two of them followed. The bins of food sitting on one of the pews made her mouth water and she eyed some of the cans in there. Beans, vegetables, some canned fruits, even pudding... In terms of cooking, there wasn't much to do beside heat everything up which was left to the others, so she hung back until it was finally time to eat.

It had grown considerably darker and candles now littered the room. The bowls full of food sat at the front and everyone got in line with paper plates and plastic utensils to eat. She filled up her plate with enough to keep her full and then started to sit down when Abraham started with a toast.

Sitting down on the floor, she started to eat, nodding to the ginger at his toast since she only had water and everyone else besides Carl had a bit of wine they'd found. However, Abraham wasn't done when the toast was over. He started to talk - talk about how Eugene could save the world and they'd be done with this road trip.

"Eugene, what's in DC?" he turned his conversation toward the man with the mullet.

"Infrastructure constructed to withstand pandemics even of this foobar magnitude," the man answered.

What?

"That means food, fuel, refuge...restart."

Thanks for clarifying...

She stopped eating, pursing her lips as Abraham continued with the point of saving everyone. Saving themselves. How was any of this guaranteed? Because Eugene supposedly knew how to end this thing? But to her surprise, Rick agreed. And then everyone else followed suit. She wasn't going to leave them, so she'd have to go too.

Everyone seemed pretty happy as they continued to eat and although she wasn't upset, she was unsure. Things in her life changed so rapidly over the last few days that she didn't even get time to think. She would have much rather stayed here a few days and then have Abraham bring this up than now. But she would have to go with the hand she was dealt. She could always leave and go on her own way, but now that she had someone to trust, she couldn't. This was exactly what she didn't want to happen and yet it had.

Maybe it was time to put her trust in the others too.