Chapter 19: Mood Shifting
After Tyreese's death, everything stayed just as glum and dark as before. Riley couldn't help but continue to think who was next. She didn't want anyone to be next, but the fact that they were dying so rapidly just made her lose hope. Something that Carl had tried to get back to her when they were alone and trying to look for his dad. Now, even he didn't seem to have any of it. All of it was exhausting, but the best they could do was just move forward.
Everything seemed to be going a little more smoothly until their cars started to run out of gas. First they lost one which made the other two cars a little cramped. No big deal since everyone still had enough room.
It was when they lost the other that things started to get pretty bad. People had to squish in next to each other or sit on someone else's lap. It was a bigger truck, so some people even had to sit in the bed. That truck lasted them for another day before it ran out and they had to start moving on foot. Rick knew it was coming because as soon as the car stopped, he got out and instructed them to start walking.
She gathered her things and stepped out onto the road. The sun sat right in the middle of the sky, hardly any clouds there to cover it up. They weren't even in Georgia anymore, but it was still blistering. She could feel her skin start to bake through her baseball tee and she suddenly wished that her shorter clothes weren't disgusting and coated in blood. Especially if they were going to be walking for who knew how long. They didn't even have a destination at this point. Noah's family was what they were riding on and that ended up being a bust. She just hoped that they would at least find a place to sleep before it got dark. And find some water.
Their supplies, along with their gas for the cars, had run out pretty quickly. Considering their group was so large, it wasn't all that surprising. However, given that they were practically in the middle of nowhere, finding supplies for the whole group would be incredibly hard.
Riley could never get her brain to shut up about these worries as they trudged along the road. None of them spoke. There really wasn't anything to talk about anyway. Plus it would only alert nearby walkers, which they already seemed to be doing.
At first, only a couple of them started to follow, but by an hour or so later, they had a large group tailing them. A respectable distance lingered between them, but their threat was still pushing them forward. If they wanted, they could probably take them down, but the only one that even mentioned doing so was Sasha and she wasn't exactly in the right state of mind after her brother died.
Things were tense and people were hungry, so it was only when everyone couldn't take the danger tailing them that they decided they needed to do something about it. When they came upon a bridge, Rick made a plan to use the drop to their advantage. They would get in line on either side of the bridge and let the walkers come to them. When they got close enough, they would shove them down the drop. Since there was no water and the river was dried up, it wouldn't ruin their water supply.
Her and a few others were told to hang back. So she took her place beside Carl and took her knife out just in case.
A handful of them stood at the front of the bridge, ready to take down the walkers that advanced at a snail's pace. Sweat trickled down her forehead as she watched them be pushed over the edge one by one. Everything went rather smoothly until Sasha decided to start attacking them head on and breaking the pattern. Weapons were drawn and everyone else started to attack to finish them off. Riley stayed ready, but none of the walkers ever got past Rick and the others.
That wasn't the only hiccup that they came across, either. They stumbled across a mess of cars, and none of them worked. The only thing found was booze and obviously that wouldn't help them at all.
Since their supply of food and water was running low, Rick decided that resting would probably be a good idea. By taking shifts, they could search for any traces of food an water. Even a squirrel sounded good at this point and she knew that Daryl was particularly good at hunting those.
So they settled down on the side of the road and she leaned her back against Carl's as he cradled his sister in his arms. No one even spoke until Abraham decided to crack open the booze he found and take a sip. By the sounds of it, drinking alcohol would only make him more thirsty, but she didn't particularly care. If he wanted to do that, it was his choice.
With a gentle sigh, she rested her head back against Carl's shoulder and looked up at the sky. More cloud settled there, but none appeared to be grey. In Georgia, the weather always changed abruptly, but she didn't know about Virginia.
"You think it'll rain soon?" she murmured, looking down at the knife in her hands.
"I dunno. If we're lucky. I'd really go for a burger or something right now though," he chuckled a little, but it died off quickly.
"I'd even go for the grease pit at McDonald's," she joked.
Their attempts at trying to one-up each other were cut short when something burst from the trees. She jumped, getting to her feet and wielding her knife. Carl spun to see what was going on.
A couple of dogs, that clearly were once pets because of their collars, stood feet away, barking and growling. They had to be hungry which was why they were growling at them. One of them in particular, the German Shepard, looked just like him.
She saw Sasha raise her gun and Riley jumped to her feet, ready to stop her but it was too late. The woman promptly shot all of the dogs down, killing them almost instantly. Blood pooled around each of the dogs and Rick slowly rose, advancing toward the dogs. She pressed her lips together, blinking as their leader grabbed some sticks and started to break them apart. She had no clue what he was doing until he finally bent down next to one of them and pulled out a knife.
Her hands flew to her mouth and she turned away, wincing at the tearing flesh sounds as he chopped the dog up for their next meal.
"I'll be right back," she murmured, stomach churning as she started to head into the woods for a moment to herself.
She didn't get very far before she heard Carl calling out to her.
Saying nothing, she stopped, leaning against one of the trees for support and trying to shake the images running through her head. He finally caught up with her and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I...don't really want to eat them either but..."
She shook her head, taking in a shaky breath. "The German Shepard...he reminded me of..."
A small silence settled between them before he gently turned her toward him.
"You know you can tell me anything. It's...fine if you're not comfortable, I just...I really care about you, Riley."
Their eyes met and she stared at him long and hard, trying to muster up the strength and courage to actually just tell him everything. So many things she had wanted to tell him about her and what happened before they met, but she was afraid. Afraid that he would look at her differently. Afraid that he wouldn't understand. But with everything going on and her body struggling to keep going, she didn't have it in her to hold it in any longer.
"That...dog... I had one that looked just like him. Cookie. He was my best friend. Comforted me when things were tough," she started, looking down at her feet, "he protected us. But when our group got attacked...we were on the run for a while and we didn't have any food... We had to...eat him. I didn't want to. My parents didn't want to. But we didn't have a choice... It just reminded me..."
Carl seemed to understand now and he nodded his head, but she wasn't finished. Just letting one thing out seemed to stir something inside of her and the gates opened up.
"I miss him. And my parents," she choked, covering her face with a hand. "It's my fault they're gone. I ran because I was afraid and left them to die. And when I finally was brave enough to go back, the dead were eating my mom and my dad...he was bit. I had to shoot him before he turned... I'm a monster."
The tears finally spilled and she held back a sob, her shoulders shaking with the effort it took. All she wanted was her parents back so she could cling onto them an never let go. She couldn't handle the stress anymore. Ever since just before Terminus, it had been nonstop chaos. Her body could only take so much and she was finally breaking down. Every breath was agonizing and she wanted to run until she couldn't run anymore.
"Riley, hey," Carl urged, slipping his hands from her shoulders and taking her hands in his. "Hey, it's okay. You're not a monster. Trust me you're not."
"You weren't there. I left them, Carl. I was too afraid to save them-"
"-no, Riley. Listen to me. You're not. I...I had to kill my mom. Maggie had to cut her open to get Judith out and...she wasn't going to make it. She didn't want to be one of those things. So I shot her. I felt like a monster afterwards too, but we're not."
She didn't say a word. Of course there were things that she didn't know about him, but she never imagined him having to do something like that. Drawing in a shaky breath, she reached up to wipe her tears. It was then that she realized he was understanding. He knew what it was like to feel like this.
"Look at me, Riley," he said softly, peeling his hands from hers and slowly reaching up to tilt her face.
Her breath hitched as his warm hands cupped her tear-stained cheeks and she looked right in his eyes. They weren't looking at her differently. They were looking at her like he understood. Looking at her like he wanted her to stop crying.
"Monsters don't know they're monsters. They don't feel bad for what they do. And I know you're not a monster. If anything, you're the opposite," he whispered, warm breath fanning her face.
For a moment, she couldn't breathe. Those words were exactly what she needed to hear, but his proximity was what really took her breath away. Her stomach lurched, like she was on a rollercoaster, and she just stared at him. He didn't say anything, but she noticed his eyes flicking down. Down to her lips.
Everything seemed to disappear. Was this really happening? She remembered what Michonne said, but she didn't think... Maybe she did?
Their faces pulled together, almost like they were magnets, and finally, their lips crashed. It was so awkward and uncomfortable at first. Their noses bumped together and his lips were chapped and rough, but somehow it felt just right. He smelled like sweat and dirt and she was sure she didn't smell much better. She didn't know where to put her hands, so she left them limp at her sides while his still cupped her face. Her stomach continued to flutter and her eyes squeezed shut. Everything about him in this moment sent a burning warmth from her chest all the way to her fingers and toes. Part of her was flustered, but another part of her craved this feeling. A feeling she hadn't even felt before and she didn't know what to think of.
She was just about to pull away and try to sort out what just happened when she heard it.
"Ahem."
Her body sprang into action as she got startled and she reeled backwards, ramming her head into the tree behind her. Carl spun as well and she looked up, wincing and holding the back of her head.
Rick stood between a couple of trees, watching them with a stoic expression. A little bit of blood clung to his skin, probably from butchering the dog.
"The food's ready," he murmured, looking between the two and seeming like he was going to say something more. He didn't.
A deep blush spread across her cheeks and she look down, licking her lips and trudging forward. She could taste a bit of an earthy flavor on her lips, no doubt left over from Carl's lips, and her blush deepened. Rick had obviously caught the two of them and she wanted to curl up and pretend it hadn't happened.
She didn't dare look over at Carl or even up at Rick as she followed him back to the rest of the group. Some of them were already eating, though not exactly pleased with their meal choice.
Pressing her lips together, she settled down next to Glenn and pulled her knees to her chest, eyeing the meat being cooked over the fire. Waiting for it to finish cooking gave her some time to contemplate exactly what just happened between her and Carl. It was awkward to think about and made her blush even more. She didn't even know what to think. The two of them had been stuck with each other for quite a while. She just assumed that they were being friends and treating each other as such. But maybe they weren't. Holding hands and hugging and falling asleep on each other's shoulders...maybe that was just an indicator of how they really felt about each other.
Riley bit her lip and blinked as she was handed a piece of meat. Looking over it in her hands, she hesitated to eat it. Gosh, she was hungry, but it was dog meat. The thought of her dog made her feel nauseous, but she knew that she needed to eat. There was no guarantee there would be any food later on.
With hesitant hands, she brought the meat to her lips and started to chew. Slowly, though, because it made her want to gag and she didn't want to throw up. As she ate, she shot a quick glance at Carl across the fire. He seemed just as awkward as she was and averted his eyes from her and his dad.
This awkward tension continued through the day and she and Carl didn't say another word to each other as they started to walk again. She could feel Rick's gaze on her continually as they were walking and it made her question if she was doing something wrong. Because she didn't want anyone to think something weird was going on, she tried to remain as normal as possible, but the bigger gap than usual between her and Carl seemed to catch someone's attention, particularly Glenn.
"You okay?" he asked, slowing down to fall into step with her.
She glanced behind her at Rick before bringing her gaze back down to the ground. "Yeah I'm fine."
He looked back to see where she looked and raised an eyebrow when he saw it was Rick. "Oh. I get it."
"Nothing. Nothing's going on," she said quickly, clearing her throat. "He's been looking at me weird all day, I don't get it..."
"He caught you two. I used to get the looks from Maggie's dad, I know how it is."
At this point, she felt miserable and her face blew up red again. "It just happened! I don't even know, it just... I don't know."
"You're young but you know how you feel. You care a lot about him. He cares a lot about you. Rick's just never had to deal with this before. He'll ease up eventually."
He reached over to give her shoulder a squeeze and she sighed softly. "I guess so... Thanks?"
Even though it was awkward talking about the subject she still didn't know how to feel about, talking to Glenn about it made her feel a little more at ease. Maybe it was just because he knew about it or maybe it was just because she could finally get some of her thoughts out of her head, but either way she was relieved.
They all suddenly stopped and she noticed the jugs of water in the middle of the street. Rick picked up the note and it read "from a friend." Was someone following them? She looked around, feeling a bit of tension rise at the thought. Eugene tried to drink it but Abraham was quick to stop him. They couldn't just drink this water if they didn't know who left it. What if someone poisoned it?
But today seemed to be their lucky day because thunder crashed through the sky and rain started to douse each of them. The scorching heat left almost immediately and she let out a sigh of relief, letting the rain wash over her and relishing the cool feel of it. Some of the others were laughing and even laying in the road and she smiled slightly, tilting her head to the sky to open her mouth and get some water. The others were scrambling to get what they could and collect the water that was falling from the sky.
The moment of relief was short-lived, because the thunder continued to crackle and lightning split the sky. They needed to find shelter.
"There's a barn!" Daryl shouted over the noise and Rick was all on board.
With quick feet, they followed the hunter through the trees. He knew exactly where he was going and within minutes they were at a shabby little barn in the middle of the woods. Why it was there, she didn't know, but frankly she didn't care.
A few of them went inside to make sure the barn was clear while the rest of them stayed outside. She didn't mind that much since the rain felt good on her skin, but she would rather not get electrocuted either.
There ended up being only one walker with the rest of the barn clear. Once it was taken care of, the rest of them filed inside and she chose a spot in the corner to settle down, a little away from the fire they were starting to build. There was little chance of her falling asleep right away, even though it was dark, so she laid back in the hay and stared up at the barn ceiling, listening to the fire crackle and the others occasionally talk.
The conversation was mostly boring small talk, but eventually the topic of Carl came up and she even got mentioned. Quietly, she rolled over on her side so her back was facing them and strained her ears to listen, tuning in just when Glenn started speaking.
"Go easy on them. Her especially. They're just a couple of teens. It was bound to happen," he said.
"Guess I just wasn't expectin' it to happen so soon. They're only fifteen, nearly sixteen. Kinda young," Rick murmured.
"What age were you? That's exactly when they start to discover themselves," Michonne added, amusement in her voice. "They'll be fine. She makes him happy. They're a good team."
"Yeah I just worry," Rick sighed.
"Kids their age...they adapt better than us," Glenn voiced. "Not much of a life, but it's the world now."
"We do what we need to do to live. But no matter what we find in DC, we'll be okay. Because this is how we survive. How they survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead."
A shiver ran down her spine and she shifted, curling into herself tightly and letting the conversation wash over her. Were they the walking dead? Every day, they had the possibility to die, but they kept moving. But they weren't those monsters either. Could they be a part of the world, living like those things and yet still being separate? She wracked her brain long and hard over this topic until her eyelids fluttered shut and she couldn't stay awake any longer.
However, not long into her sleep, she was awakened again by someone shaking her shoulder.
"Riley! Wake up!"
It was Carl's voice. She jolted awake and all sleep immediately left her. Loud banging and growls reached her ears and she looked up to see the rest of the group pinning themselves against the barn door in attempt to keep it shut. Carl got to his feet with his sister still in his arms and offered her a hand. She took it and stood, blindly rushing over to the door where everyone else was. As soon as there was a free spot, she catapulted herself at the door, trying to dig her feet into the muddy ground to gain some traction. All of them combined could easily hold the door, but the mud was the main problem.
Fire burned in her muscles as she shoved with all of her might. The doors kept rattling and the growling grew louder, but together they held firm. Heat encompassed her from all sides as each of their bodies pressed up against one another and the smell of dirt and sweat circulated her nostrils. At one point, she caught Carl's worried blue gaze through the arms of the others and something in her stirred. She wasn't going to die. Not tonight. She was going to fight until she collapsed on the ground and breathed her last breath.
Digging her heels into the ground, she pressed all of her body weight against the door, gritting her teeth to try and lessen the pain of her agonized arms crying for relief. No matter how painful it felt, she fought the feeling with every bit of strength she had left in her and she could tell the others were doing the same by their grunts and strains. She wasn't sure when the turning point ended up being.
The lightning and rain never ceased, but the groans began to get lesser and lesser. Some of them began to back off when the door wasn't being so violently rammed into, but she stayed for every second. The mad rush to survive had gotten stuck in her head and even after the last person pulled away, she stayed clutched to the wood like the walkers were still trying to get in. But the constant adrenaline was too much for her body to handle and eventually she fell on her back and passed out cold.
A/N: They finally kissed! Ahh :) It'll be a bit awkward from here on out as they try to figure things out, but it happened. I tried to make it a bit awkward since they're young and it's their first kiss. Hopefully I conveyed that well! Thanks so much for reading!
