Raven's eyes snapped open, her face screwing up at the sudden attack of light that overwhelmed her senses - fuck. Something touched her shoulder. She startled, yanking away, preparing for the coming attack.
Did she have a gun or a knife nearby? She couldn't remember.
Raven sensed the presence close by immediately retract, the space around her growing.
That was good, that was. . .
"Raven, it's okay."
That voice. She knew that voice.
Even as she tried to puzzle it out, her pulse slowed, body relaxing slightly against her will.
That voice felt safe.
"It's me, Luna. You're in your room, in Becca's lab."
Raven opened her eyes again, prepared for the rush of light this time, forcing herself to endure it. A blurry shape hovering over her gradually came into focus, the halo of thick curly hair causing the rest of her anxiety to evaporate.
Right. Luna. Her room. Becca's lab.
An earthy scent clouded Raven's senses a moment - a direct contrast to the sterility of the room - and she wrinkled her nose, squinting as she better tried to take the other woman in.
Luna was gazing down at her in clear concern, though she kept a good portion of distance between them - probably because of how Raven had freaked out when she'd dared to touch her earlier.
Well, that was embarrassing.
She sighed, trying to take stock of her surroundings and piece together what had happened. She'd succeeded in landing the rocket. She could remember that much. The euphoria that came with triumph, the relief.
Then the crashing wave of dismay and despair.
The fall.
They'd lost a barrel.
"We lost a barrel."
She couldn't believe it.
Luna nodded. "Yes."
Raven sighed, massaging her head, which still throbbed. She was so sick of this fucking headache. Sick of a lot of things. "Damn it!"
A tentative hand reached out, landed on her shoulder. When she didn't flinch away, it clamped down, giving her a light squeeze.
She involuntarily leaned into the touch.
"I'm sorry."
Raven shook her head but lowered her hands from her face, the headache having faded slightly. "Not like it's your fault."
Luna smiled at her sadly. "Still. I'm sorry."
She sighed, glancing around her once more. "What happened?"
"You had a. . . Abby called it a 'seizure'? Passed out." Luna's shoulder lifted in a half-shrug, conveying she probably hadn't understood half of what the doctor had rattled on about. Considering Raven could struggle with the medical terminology herself sometimes, and she actually grew up in the culture which used those terms regularly, that was hardly surprising. "It looked like what one of the other novitiates used to suffer from. They got progressively worse as he got older. And then one night he went to sleep after having one and never woke up. I was worried. . ." She shook her head, dispelling that train of thought, hand gripping Raven's shoulder a little tighter. "How are you feeling?"
Well, that all sounded horrible. She wondered whether there were any happy stories Luna might like to share from her childhood. Would be a nice change of pace.
Then, the first part of what she'd said caught up to Raven. Shit. A seizure? Another one? Like she didn't already have enough on her plate to contend with. Not that a part of her hadn't expected this after everything Abby had said, but she'd really been hoping that the seizure aspect of her brain slowly destroying itself was a one-off. Mostly because she'd been stressing about the logistics of piloting a spaceship when one of those could spring upon her at any moment.
Not that she had to worry about that now.
"I'm fine."
Apart from the fact that she now had to work out how to land a ship with only nine barrels of fuel.
Piece of cake.
God, they were so screwed.
Huffing, Raven forced her aching body to sit up, moving towards the edge of the bed. The hand on her shoulder held her in place.
"Raven, you're sick. You need to rest."
Rest? Rest was a fucking luxury she couldn't afford to have. Everyone was counting on her.
"I don't have time for that. I've got to-"
Luna pushed her back down onto the mattress, the action gentle but firm.
Raven glared. Who the fuck did she think she was? "Luna-"
"You can't help anyone if you're dead. Rest." She pressed down again. Not hard enough that Raven couldn't overpower her if she needed to, but insistent nonetheless. "The world will still be here when you wake up."
"Wanna bet?" she grumbled, caving under the pressure of Luna's touch.
"If it's gone, you can yell at me for it all you want. After you get some rest." Her tone brooked no argument and Raven remembered that not only had Luna been the leader of an entire clan but she'd also practically raised a kid. Winning arguments and getting people to do what she wanted was likely something she had a lot of practice in.
Even Raven's particular brand of stubbornness was probably something she was used to contending with.
"Fine. But I'm not doing any of that weird meditation shit."
The corner of Luna's mouth inched up. "It's not weird. It works." She smoothed a hand over Raven's upper arm in a rhythmic motion, as if trying to coax her into some form of relaxation. Fat chance of that. It was kind of nice, though. Even if it was having the opposite effect of what Luna probably intended. Her skin felt like it was on fire, the heat of Luna's palm setting her ablaze, and yet she couldn't suppress a shiver.
She was definitely sick.
"You'll never be at peace with the rest of the world if you can't first find a way to be at peace with yourself."
Raven looked away. "Yeah, well, peace is overrated."
Luna smiled to herself a little at that, as if remembering something amusing, and Raven frowned, not exactly enjoying being left out of the joke.
Nonetheless, she allowed her body to sink back down onto the hard mattress, unable to fight the exhaustion any longer.
God, she hated her body.
It was always fucking things up for her.
Raven knew she could do more, push herself harder - but her body always brought her to a screeching halt, snapping like a rubber band whenever she stretched too far.
It was then she noticed the tubing attached to Luna's arm, gaze following the line up to a bag that was already half full of nightblood. Right, they'd started taking more of that today. In fact, she was pretty sure that was what Luna was supposed to be doing instead of babysitting her for however many hours.
She actually looked kind of pale, come to think of it.
Donating blood had been mandatory on the Ark for everyone whose health allowed it. But they'd had to space out donations by three months. At least.
That hadn't been an option with Luna.
Raven started. "Hey, you shouldn't be standing up for that."
She shook her head. "I'm fine."
But Raven was already inching back, creating some space on the edge of the mattress. "Seriously, sit down. You look like you're about to keel over." She couldn't believe Abby had put Luna in charge of babysitting her when she should have been resting herself.
Luna looked very much like she wanted to roll her eyes but complied nonetheless, slumping down onto the bed like a belligerent teenager. "Happy?"
Raven smirked. "Ecstatic."
So she wasn't the only one who sucked at playing patient and she'd be lying if that newfound knowledge didn't make her a little smug.
The bed was just a single - so there wasn't much space for them to share - and not exactly comfortable or meant for long-term use, either. Everyone else slept at the mansion, including Luna, and Raven had nabbed a bed for herself there as well but she hadn't used it since the first night. She'd been spending all twenty-four of her hours in the lab, working overtime. This room was one she'd commandeered for those brief periods when she actually allowed herself to get some sleep - on Abby's orders.
Luna backed herself into the wall, crossing her legs as she tried to take up as little space as possible. Raven thought about offering her the option to lie down - they'd probably fit better that way - but couldn't get the words out. She was impulsive, but that was a step too far even for her. And she doubted she'd be getting any rest with Luna's body nestled firmly against hers.
It wasn't that Raven was interested in her, but she also wasn't blind. Luna was gorgeous. And it had been a long, long time since Raven had gotten laid - and considering sex used to be her go-to method for relieving tension or expelling shitty feelings, she didn't like her chances of being able to resist her. Not that Luna was interested in her. She'd probably run a mile if Raven tried to jump her here and now.
And it wasn't like either of them were in the best physical state for sex, anyway. It was almost guaranteed that at least one of them would pass out during the attempt. And Raven had already had her fill of humiliating moments for the day.
A low murmur reached her ears and when she refocused her attention on Luna, Raven realized that she had closed her eyes and was mumbling that chant from earlier under her breath.
She didn't appear very relaxed, though. Quite the opposite. Her entire body looked rigid as all hell.
Something was clearly bothering her. Well, something besides the obvious end-of-the-world state of affairs.
"What does that mean, anyway?"
Luna didn't open her eyes. "What does what mean?"
"The words. The ones you said earlier, they were the same as the ones you're using now, right?"
She wasn't well versed in Trigedasleng - or any kind of versed, actually - but she felt confident of that.
Luna nodded, exhaling. "It's just a mantra. It belongs to my clan." Her gaze lowered a half-second later. "Belonged to them."
Yeah, no, Raven wasn't going to touch that with a ten-foot pole. Not right now. She didn't trust that she was coherent enough not to put her foot in her mouth if she tried to offer comfort.
Comforting people wasn't her thing. Never had been.
She was more of a 'get yourself together and get over it' kind of person, especially when it came to her own shit.
Which was why coming to terms with her pain was proving to be such an obstacle. Because Raven couldn't get over it. Couldn't push forward - the pain would only follow. It was there, in every moment, every breath, and she couldn't escape it.
Couldn't move past it.
All she could do was grit her teeth and pretend like hell it didn't exist.
"But what does it mean?"
An eye cracked open and Raven could see the first traces of irritation there. Huh, she'd finally figured out a way to break through that infuriating - and enviable - level of calm and patience: just disturb the woman when she was trying to meditate.
Then something flickered across Luna's face - something dangerous - and her eyes narrowed, her mouth curving slightly. "I'll tell you. If you allow me to teach you how to meditate."
Raven turned away. "Yeah, no thanks, I'm good."
She was curious but not that curious.
Luna shrugged, closing her eyes once more. "Okay."
The chanting started again, stretching the quiet of the room, itching at Raven's ears - and nerves. She closed her own eyes, tried to block it out. Minutes ticked by, Luna's voice swimming around her, low and vaguely husky. And suddenly, irritation was the least of Raven's concerns. She rubbed her legs together, groaned, and rolled back over, giving up on the impossible task. "Fine."
This woman was infuriating.
Luna smirked but didn't open her eyes. "Is that a 'yes'?"
"It's a 'fine, you win'. Asshole." She muttered the last part under her breath but judging by the amused twitch of Luna's mouth, she caught it. "Now teach me this meditation bullcrap already."
Her eyes opened at last, the smirk fading into a triumphant smile. It was annoying.
"That is, if you even can teach me." Raven raised her chin, challenging. She might be agreeing to this, but she certainly wasn't going to make it easy on her. "I'm not exactly the zen type."
Luna shrugged, shifting closer to her. "I've had tougher students. Children especially are particularly opposed to staying still for any length of time."
She narrowed her eyes. "Are you comparing me to a child?"
"I would never." That smirk peeked through again. "Children are far less exasperating."
Oh, so she was the exasperating one?
Raven chuckled, though. She could appreciate Luna's snark, even if it was at her expense. It had actually proved to be a pretty good distraction from all the other bullshit going on in her life. "Alright, meditate me up."
Luna held out her hands towards her, palms up. "May I?"
She hesitated but allowed her own to settle on top of them. "Uh, yeah, sure."
This better not get kinky.
"It's just to help you stay grounded. We can stop if it proves to have the opposite effect, though."
Oh, it was most definitely proving to have the opposite effect. Raven's skin tingled, her heart beginning a rampant race in her chest. How the fuck could she be so affected by such a simple touch? She really needed to get laid. Obviously. But there weren't really any suitable candidates around. She certainly wasn't going to fuck Murphy. Maybe Emori would be up for it? That would also have the added benefit of pissing Murphy off.
She might end up asking just for kicks.
"It helps if you breathe," Luna said with a slight tilt to her lips, an amused furrow to her brow as she watched Raven, though there was also some confusion there. Clearly, she'd noticed some of her internal struggle.
Crap.
"Let's just get this over with."
"Well, that's not exactly the right attitude to have when approaching meditation but. . ." Luna sighed. "I'll allow it."
Raven groaned, head rolling back.
"Patience," she chuckled.
"That's your thing, not mine."
"Then it's time to learn." Luna squeezed her hands. "Now focus. Bring your attention down to our hands." Oh, fuck no. "Can you feel them?" Oh yeah, she could feel them. "Focus on the pressure of my grip, the texture of my skin, the way it feels against yours, the differences in temperature."
What. The. Fuck.
She flushed, suddenly all too aware of those very things.
Luna frowned. "You're getting tenser."
Well, yeah, of course she was getting fucking tenser. This woman was unbelievable. "I think maybe the hand thing might be a bad idea."
Instantly, Luna released her. "I'm sorry. That's how Derrick taught me." Raven's heart sank as she felt the loss of her pulling away, instantly regretting her words. "It just. . . it helps to have something you can feel, something to focus on. At least to begin with. But it's not right for everyone."
Raven hesitated before holding out her hands. "No, um. . . let's give it one more try. Maybe if you told me those words it might help?" She didn't really believe that, but her skin felt cold in the areas Luna's had once been.
Too cold.
Luna hesitated but took her hands again. "It's alright if this part isn't right for you, Raven. Not everyone is comfortable with touch. And even for those who are, it can sometimes be overwhelming."
Oh, she understood that. Boy, did she understand it. But that wasn't why she'd wanted to escape Luna's hold. She hadn't felt uncomfortable. Far from it. And that was. . . a dangerous thing to give life to. What if she got used to it? What if she came to need it? The way she'd once needed Finn's?
"No, it's . . . it's okay." It really wasn't. "Just hit me with those words already."
Luna still looked conflicted but, after a moment, nodded. She rubbed her thumb over the outside of Raven's hand - an attempt at comfort, she guessed.
It made her shudder.
"They're meaningful to me. But they may not hold the same meaning to you. You might even want to come up with your own," Luna warned and Raven wondered why she'd suddenly become the reluctant one in this whole experiment? It had been her idea.
But Luna's hands were slightly tenser than before and she wondered if her earlier reaction had worried her, made her think that she was doing more harm than good.
She had never seen Luna nervous until now, apprehensive. It didn't suit her.
Something wasn't right.
She wanted to help, that much was clear.
Was maybe scared of doing the exact opposite?
Raven smiled at her, tried to put as much reassurance in it as she could manage. She may not be totally on board with the whole meditating thing, but it was distracting her. And she appreciated the effort Luna was making. She appreciated that she cared.
Not many people did.
"No, I actually liked that bit. I mean, I may not have understood the words but they were. . . I don't know, soothing." Mostly because Luna had been the one saying them. Her voice had a weight and texture to it that was comforting.
Luna smiled and she couldn't deny how quickly the sight of it made her muscles relax. "Good. Are you ready?"
Raven cleared her throat. "As I'll ever be."
She closed her eyes and tried not to notice how right Luna's hands felt in hers. How the thought of them ever leaving somehow filled her with dread.
She needed to get out of this lab.
