A/N: so this was supposed to be ready earlier this week but then I was struck by inspiration and wrote a bit more which meant it needed another few days of proofreading. But I figured you guys would prefer to have 500 extra words even it meant waiting another day. Still, normally I proofread over weeks or months, so the ending of this chapter is still a little rough. Sorry about that.
"Because to take away a man's freedom of choice, even his freedom to make the wrong choice, is to manipulate him as though he were a puppet and not a person."
― Madeline L'Engle
"Why didn't you leave?" Seeing the confusion on Luna's face, Raven shrugged. "That day on the dock. You could have left."
She looked slightly bemused. "Would you have preferred that I did?"
Raven snorted. "Hardly." Even without the fate of the world resting on her continued presence in their lives, Luna was good company. More than good company, actually. As much as she hated to admit it. "But you wanted to go. I know that."
Luna's expression faded into empty dispassion, the change so seamless as to be unnerving. "There are a lot of things I want but don't act on."
Well, she'd come pretty close to acting on this.
"That's not why you chose to stay. You were willing to act, to leave." She'd been desperate to convince the nightblood not to but only a small part of Raven had actually believed she might succeed in the effort. She was no-one to Luna. Little more than a stranger. What chance did she have to change her mind? What could she offer her?
But Raven had remembered the look on her face when she'd held Adria in her final moments. The devastation there. The love.
That had been her first glimpse into the person Luna was, beneath the rumors and stories.
Beneath the legend.
And she'd thought. . . someone who cared that much about a child who wasn't even theirs, would be incapable of sitting back and watching the world burn, watching yet more children die.
Not when she could do something to stop it.
Something that didn't require her to dirty her hands like taking the Flame would have.
It had been a gamble. A half-formed hypothesis.
But it had held true.
Still, she'd seen Luna's own desperation in that moment. How badly she'd wanted to get on that boat, sail away from the promised devastation to come; from watching more people die - some of them even for her own sake, like Nyko.
When Raven refocused on her now, she realized Luna had been watching her carefully for however long they'd drifted into silence, her hands having ceased in their motion, netting abandoned.
But she still hadn't answered.
That was unusual. Luna was honest to a fault and had rarely shied away from questions in the past, especially when Raven was the one posing them. But here they were.
She opened her mouth to ask again, though it was probably pointless - if Luna didn't want to share, she wouldn't and Raven could more than understand that, she wouldn't push if that was the case - but Luna chose that moment to break her silence.
"I've gotten very good at running away," she said carefully. "I started when I was thirteen-years-old and I'm not sure I ever stopped." Her gaze wandered to the netting in her hands, tracing the rise and fall of one knot. "But I realized this was one thing I would regret running away from. If you're right, and my blood can save everyone, then I want to try. I'm tired of watching people die."
So, it was as she'd thought.
Luna's heart had won out.
It was a motivation she could more than understand, and relate to. "Me, too."
Luna acknowledged that with a weak upturn of her lips. Then she took a breath. "But what really made me stay was you."
Hold up. "Me?"
She nodded. "You gave me a choice. No one's ever given me that." Her gaze dropped. "I've been forced to do so many things in my life, terrible things. The last time I came into contact with your people, you tried to force me to take the Flame. When it became clear you needed my blood, I knew I wouldn't have a choice in the matter. And I swore a long time ago that I would never let anyone have that kind of power over me again. The ability to control me. No matter the reason."
Raven swallowed, remembering what Luna had told her about the Conclave. What Jasper had told her about what went down on the oil rig, after A.L.I.E. had come into play - though his reluctance to give any details had been the most disturbing factor of all.
She didn't know what Luna was talking about in regards to the Flame but she felt a lick of anger at the implication.
Raven wondered if this had anything to do with why she seemed to be avoiding Clarke, now that the younger Griffin had arrived on the island. It wasn't obvious, by any means, the Grounder was always pleasant in her presence and made no show that she was eager to depart it. But Raven hadn't missed the fact that, somehow, wherever Clarke was, Luna tended not to be - like she had a sixth sense for predicting the blonde woman's approach, enough to make herself scarce before she arrived.
For the first two days, Raven hadn't made much of it, chalked it up to coincidence and differing schedules. But now, she wasn't so sure.
(if she and Clarke survived the apocalypse, the two of them were going to have words)
"You tried to run because you thought we wouldn't give you a choice," Raven surmised. And, really, she hadn't been wrong in that assumption.
Luna nodded.
Her stomach turned as she felt the phantom grip of a gun in her hands, saw the stiffening of the other woman's shoulders as she was forced to halt, the resignation that bled from her face as she turned. . .
It was a wonder Luna could even stand to be in the same room as her.
"I don't think you understand the gift you gave me."
Raven glanced up, eyes wide at the proclamation.
There was a tender shadow to Luna's gaze, accentuated by the naked vulnerability enveloping it.
"I didn't give you anything." She'd simply refused to take something away - and nearly too late at that. There was a difference.
But Luna shook her head. "You did. I never would have stayed if you hadn't given me the choice. And. . . that would have been a mistake. Even as I was walking away, I knew that I would regret doing so. Just not as much as I would regret staying." She shrugged. "Now, I don't have to regret anything."
We'll see how long that lasts.
If they failed to synthesize nightblood, Luna might end up resenting Raven for convincing her to stay - and sacrificing the few weeks she had left to enjoy the world and its people before it all ceased to be.
If they failed, Luna might regret that she'd wasted that precious time with Raven, of all people.
Her stomach turned.
Thank God she likely wouldn't survive long enough to see that.
Raven frowned, pushing that thought down. "So even if you wanted to stay, you wouldn't have?"
Luna hesitated. "You need to understand, Raven. I refuse to be a prisoner in my own life. I can't go through that again. I won't. Maybe that's selfish but. . ."
Fuck that. "Yeah, maybe it's selfish. But you've earned a little selfishness and. . . you deserve to be free. To make your own choices. Everyone does."
Everyone.
No matter what the color of their blood was.
The more she learned about Luna, the worse she felt about pointing a gun at her, the better she felt about putting it down.
"You believe that?"
The question took her by surprise, her heart knotting at the unguarded emotion in Luna's eyes. The doubt Raven could see there, the need.
She looked young. Too young.
They were all too fucking young.
"Don't you?"
"I did. I. . ." Luna shook her head, letting out a sigh. "I'm not sure what I believe anymore. Belief is such a hard thing to get back once it's gone."
Yeah, Raven could understand that. She wasn't sure what she believed in anymore, either. The ground had stripped her of her strongest convictions in the most brutal way it knew how.
But in this moment she believed nothing more than the right Luna had to make her own choices - after that right had been stolen from her so many times in life.
Everyone deserved to have at least that much control over their own lives. That much freedom.
Otherwise, what was the point of surviving if they didn't actually get to live the lives they fought so hard for? If they sacrificed all the good in the world just so they could hold onto what little was left?
Still, she didn't entirely buy Luna's words - or her doubt. "I've seen the way you are with everyone, the way you are with me. You still believe in people."
Her features had become closed to Raven again, all previous vulnerability tucked away, and whilst there was a relief in that, she also felt a loss at it. Like Luna had retracted something precious, something Raven hadn't recognized for the gift it was. Something she should have tried to hold onto. "You're so sure?"
"Yep. Choice or not, you wouldn't have helped me that day if you didn't. And you wouldn't be helping us now."
She certainly wouldn't be playing some horrifying blend of nanny, nursemaid, and therapist to her and Murphy. She'd just keep her distance and leave them to rot in their own shit, sorting out - or failing to sort out - what little they could before everything went tits up.
"What if I'm just pretending?"
Raven snorted. "If you're going to throw hypotheticals at me, at least make them realistic. It's a bit of a long con." Luna's brow furrowed at the unfamiliar term but Raven didn't bother to elaborate. "Besides, I don't think you care what others think of you, so there's no point in wrapping the wool over our eyes. No point in pretending to be something you're not. So who the hell would you be trying to fool?"
"Myself."
The answer was soft but Raven caught it. A wry smile pulled at her lips. "Luna, I know what it looks like when people don't actually care." She'd been forced to endure the spectacle of it every day growing up. "And that's not you. If anything, you care too much. How can you doubt that?"
She didn't think anyone could ever mistake Luna for being apathetic. Except, apparently, herself.
The other woman gazed at her a moment. "Because some days I still want to run." Raven tried not to let her anxiety show at having her earlier suspicions confirmed. She'd expected as much, even if she'd hoped against it. "I don't think I would have that desire, if I really believed in what we were doing."
Yeah, right. Given everything she knew about Luna, what being on this island entailed, how things were all too likely to turn out. . .
Well, Raven would want to run too.
"No, you've got it wrong. Wanting to run away? That's human. We all get that feeling. But choosing to stay even though you want to leave? That, more than anything else, is proof that you care." A proof her mother had never shown. Her need to run, to escape her own child had been so great, she'd fallen into a bottle to do it. "And I think that's why you want to run. You're scared that we're going to fail. And because you care so much, you don't want to face that. But if you ran, you wouldn't have to. You could distance yourself."
Luna looked away and Raven knew she had hit the nail on the head. The Grounder wasn't the only one who could read people. The little spike of pride that hit her upon this achievement was slightly inappropriate but she'd always been competitive - one of her greatest attributes and most obnoxious character flaws.
"You know you still care. You just wish that you didn't," Raven finished, her smile - which might have been triumphant in any other context - weighted with sadness.
Luna stared at the wall for a long time and Raven wondered if maybe she hadn't gone too far, pushed too hard - though, honestly, she wasn't even sure it was possible to push someone like Luna too far - but then, just when she was opening her mouth to backtrack, the other woman turned to face her again. "I don't want to watch anybody else die. And I don't want to have hope that I won't. Because if this fails, I'm going to be watching everybody die. Including you."
You're going to be watching me die whether we fail or not.
She should tell her. God, she should tell her. . .
But she couldn't get the words out. Couldn't be another source of pain for Luna.
(and she didn't want to take the risk of scaring the other woman off, of losing the fledgling friendship between them that she was starting to realize held more importance for her than it should.
If it was Raven in Luna's shoes and she found out someone she was close to was about to kick the bucket. . .
She'd run. Of course, she'd run.
Anything to avoid facing that pain again. From getting attached to something - someone - she knew she couldn't keep, couldn't ever keep.
Luna wasn't the only one who could be selfish.
Self-preservation. She'd been practicing it all her life. Even if it was only her heart she was trying to protect, rather than her body)
Luna sighed at her silence, grip going slack on the string in her hands."I fled my Conclave so I wouldn't have to be its sole survivor. And now it looks like that's all I'll ever be, only on a much grander scale." Her mouth twisted. "Fate has a funny sense of humor."
Raven bit her lip. "Not everybody. Abby said Jaha's still looking for some mythical bunker. You never know, maybe he'll come through."
God, please let him come through. Mass extinction aside, the thought of leaving Luna alone in a world of death filled her with dread.
That wasn't a fate anyone should suffer.
And certainly not someone like Luna, whose heart seemed so big and heavy, Raven was constantly surprised the earth's crust didn't break beneath the weight of it. She had so much love to give, Raven could see it - every day, she could see it - but she was facing a future where she would have no-one to give that love to.
And she felt- she knew that Luna needed to give that love to someone. That she needed people to care about, to share her life with.
Raven could do okay on her own, even if it wasn't always her preferred state.
She didn't think Luna could.
Not like this.
"A bunker?"
Raven nodded. "Yeah. Capable of sheltering people from the radiation. I don't know all the details but I've seen worse Hail Marys."
Luna didn't look as pleased about this as she'd expected. "So then I get to watch the clans tear each other apart for the right to survive?" Her face scrunched up - in any other circumstance, Raven might have found the expression adorable but the bitter disgust she saw there destroyed any potential for that. "I'd rather watch everyone die than pay witness to that."
Raven flinched.
Harsh words.
And from the look on Luna's face, she meant them.
Raven swallowed. "We don't know that's what'll happen. Maybe people will surprise you."
Abby had told her about those on the Ark who had sacrificed their lives in order for everyone else to survive. As horrible as humanity could be, sometimes they really did come through. Sometimes they proved just how much they deserved to exist.
The only problem was that most of the people who deserved to exist were the ones most likely to stop existing.
But Luna's lips drew up slightly at her words, eyes softening. "Maybe. You did."
Raven returned the smile, somewhat taken aback by the gentle confession, the warmth she saw pouring out of the other woman - for her.
The last person to look at her like that had been Sinclair but it hadn't elicited the startled butterflies swirling in her gut that she felt now.
Would have been kind of creepy if it had.
She hesitated before reaching out for Luna's hand, where it rested on the counter between them. The other woman looked surprised by the gesture but she took it readily, lips peaking up into another smile.
Raven made sure that their eyes met, so that Luna would see the truth in them. "I promise I won't ever force you to do something. You'll always have a choice with me."
Luna's smile flickered and grew, the surprise shining brighter for a moment before fading away into gratitude, the depth of it quietly devastating.
Raven hated that there was any surprise there at all.
That someone promising not to use Luna against her will, to force her into something, was unexpected. Miraculous even.
Again, Raven remembered the gun she'd trained on her, the bitter resignation on Luna's face when she'd turned, like she'd been waiting for exactly that.
Raven hated that she'd proved her right.
Before she'd ever proved her wrong.
But she couldn't change that. What she could do was try to make up for it in the future, make up for it now.
"Thankyou for staying." And she gave her own smile to match Luna's, felt the warmth of them blend together until her heart settled at last.
Raven had her own share of gratitude to embrace. She didn't want to think what this past week or so would have been like if Luna hadn't been here.
Hell, Murphy might have ended up in the infirmary - if he was fortunate.
She had so much more to thank Luna for than her blood.
And no idea how to start.
Luna squeezed her hand, the crease of her lips turning tender. "You know, you're the only person who's thanked me."
The words were soft but Raven felt them like a hammer to the chest. "I'm-"
But Luna shook her head, clenching her hand. "I didn't say that to make you feel bad. Just so you know that your words are appreciated. I appreciate them. And you."
Raven swallowed, hand turning hot and sweaty in the other woman's grip. She wanted to pull away.
(it was the last thing she wanted)
Luna's smile returned and, as if sensing her unease, she released Raven's hand, reaching for her netting once more. But she didn't shake the limb off, or give any indication that she wished for it to depart. Instead, she left it resting on her thigh, seemingly content with its continued presence.
Raven breathed a little easier. This form of contact was less suffocating and she was relieved that she hadn't had to let go of Luna altogether.
"Would you like to go fishing tomorrow?"
"Huh?" Raven blinked stupidly, brain still short-circuiting from the effect of the other woman's touch - and her words.
Luna's hand skated a little too close to hers as she threaded some string through a loop, the edge of her fingers glancing off Raven's skin in the next moment.
She shivered. Wished it didn't leave her wanting more.
"Fishing. You offered to come along the other day. I was wondering whether that offer still stood."
Right. Fishing.
Fishing with Luna.
The two of them. Together.
Alone.
Not that such an occurrence was unusual. They'd gone on walks together before, also alone. But they were often quick, no more than a few hours. Raven suspected that fishing would take up at least half a day, if not more.
That was half a day spent away from all the work Raven needed to be doing in the lab.
That was half a day of not having any excuse to escape Luna's presence if she wanted to. No bottom levels to disappear down into until she cooled down, until she was ready to face the other woman again.
No space.
But she'd offered.
Luna had even made her a net.
And hadn't Raven just been thinking about how she didn't have any fucking clue how to thank her for everything she'd done? Well, this seemed like a good place to start.
"Sure. Sounds fun." Not really. Fish were slimy as hell - or so she'd heard - and Raven resented the idea of spending any length of time close to a body of water.
God, she hoped she didn't fall in.
There was only so much embarrassment she could take in one lifetime.
But Luna was smiling at her again and suddenly the thought of getting wet didn't seem nearly so bad.
