A/N: Me: *waiting nervously to see what people think of the new chapter* it's been a while, what if they hated it? Ah shit they most definitely hated it
My ADHD brain: wait did you even post the chapter?
Me: of course I posted the chapter!
. . . I did not post the chapter
And that ladies and gentleman is why you are receiving this tonight instead of last night ;)
"If the earth is a mother then rivers are her veins."
- Amit Kalantri
"We passed a river the other day," Luna said as they made their way through the trees, the entrance to the lab disappearing behind them. "There might be nothing of worth there, but it's always good to check. Otherwise, we'll look for another source."
Raven shrugged, happy to defer to the other woman in this. She didn't know shit about catching fish. To be honest, she wasn't all that eager to eat any, either. She'd never tried one before, though Octavia said they were smelly as hell so that sure didn't sound particularly appetizing.
But there was a certain air of content about Luna today that had been missing in all the time she'd known her and Raven suspected that it was because she was finally in her element. The lab and everything to do with it were foreign to the Grounder but this was familiar, this was her life before A.L.I.E. - before they - had destroyed it.
Raven would eat a hundred fish just to see the look that adorned Luna's face now.
It wasn't happiness.
But it was a peace that came without force or effort and that was close enough.
Luna turned to her, lips lifting faintly. "Thankyou for coming, by the way. You didn't have to. I could have come by myself, or accepted Murphy's offer this morning. He seemed rather eager to get out of the mansion."
Raven felt a seed of jealousy take up root inside her and grimaced at its presence.
For God's sake, you are not going to be jealous of Murphy just because you're not the only person on this god-forsaken island whose company Luna actually finds tolerable.
Jesus Christ.
She'd never been a jealous person before Finn cheated on her. Just another brilliant leftover from that fucking fiasco. And she and Luna weren't even a thing!
Raven didn't want them to be a thing. Refused to let them be a thing.
Fuck.
Could she blame this on the seizures too? Cos she was gonna.
Raven scuffed her boot, attention directed at the ground - which seemed safer. "Yeah. Think he and Emori got into a fight."
A small one, by the sounds of it, but a probable motivation for him to vacate the premises, something he was ever reluctant to do. Dude acted like he fucking owned the mansion and treated it like his baby.
"Ah." Luna nodded. "That would explain why she was so irritable this morning."
'Irritable' was one way of putting it. A pissed off Emori was a formidable force to behold. She couldn't blame Murphy for scrambling to get the hell out of dodge first chance he got.
Raven shrugged. "Knowing them, they've probably already made up by now." Which she didn't entirely understand. Didn't understand their relationship at all, in fact. She got what he saw in Emori. Girl was kind of brilliant. But she did not get what Emori saw in Murphy, of all people. Or what Luna saw in him, either, for that matter. "Why do you even like Murphy anyways?"
Ah, shit. Her jealousy had legs.
How very mature of it.
Luna blinked a little, thrown by the question, before her features composed themselves into consideration. "He's a person who makes and lives by his own rules. I have a soft spot for that."
Why do you like me?
Yesterday, she'd said she liked the fact that Raven lacked the heart for manipulation. But plenty of people possessed that same trait. Didn't exactly make her special. Or explain why Luna continued to seek her company out over others.
Hell, Jackson had never manipulated anyone in his life and she didn't see Luna cozying up to him.
Or maybe she would have. If he wasn't so involved with her blood.
Maybe Raven was just the consolation prize.
"And I'm grateful to him for what he did for Adria," she continued after a moment. There was no resentment in her tone and Raven knew that there wouldn't be but she still felt her stomach sink, that all familiar guilt sinking its claws in and yanking.
Adria wasn't the first kid that she'd sentenced to death.
But Raven hadn't known about the girl who was Anya's second the day she'd planted that bomb, hadn't known that her actions could bring about such a devastating consequence. She'd never even met that little girl, the one Clarke had told her haltingly about later. Most days, she could pretend she'd never existed.
(however cowardly that was)
There was no hope of doing that with Adria.
Especially not with Luna here beside her. Every day, Raven had a front-row seat to just what she'd done.
Every day, she had to remind herself that she hadn't actually done anything. She'd just refused to take an action that would help no-one and might even cause greater suffering in the long run, depriving others in the future of the chance to survive.
Logically, she'd done the right thing.
It just didn't feel like it.
Especially during those times when she had to look into Luna's grief-stricken face, knowing that she'd done nothing to prevent her pain.
But maybe that was the crux of the problem, the thing that really plagued her.
It wasn't what she'd done.
It was what she hadn't done.
Luna hesitated, misreading the reason for her silence. "I'm sorry if that's uncomfortable for you. The amicability we have. I understand what he did."
But Raven shook her head. "I may not understand or agree with it, but I'm not uncomfortable." She meant that. Jealousy aside, she didn't give a fuck who Luna chose to be friends with. "I've never really cared what anyone felt about Murphy, only myself." Okay, that was a little less true. "And you've never tried to change the way I feel, so we're good."
Luna still didn't look entirely convinced, probably because she could read the inner turmoil radiating off Raven in waves, even if she wasn't privy to its source, but she let the subject drop. They continued in silence for some time, the mechanic chewing on her bottom lip as she tried to ignore the coil of doubt currently stirring inside her.
"Do you think I'm wrong to still be angry at him?"
If the other woman was surprised by the question, it didn't show. Luna shook her head. "No. You feel what you feel, and you deserve to feel it. Whether you like Murphy or not, forgive him or not, that's not a question of morality. It's just a question of what helps you, what you can live with." She turned to Raven, pausing their forward momentum, eyes piercing. "Like I said, you don't owe your forgiveness to anyone."
Something untangled inside Raven - she hadn't realized until now that a part of her had craved that permission, needed it even - and she sighed, looking down at her feet. "It's like. . . everyone else moved on. No-one seems to care what he did, or they just don't remember." At first, she'd wanted it that way. Had concealed Murphy's role in what had been done to her - for his sake as much as hers (the last thing she wanted was more attention on her newfound limitations). But later, she'd revealed the truth to those who mattered. And others, like Clarke and Bellamy, never needed to be told. They'd had a front-row seat to the whole fucking spectacle. "I think I'm more angry at them than I am at Murphy," she admitted. "At least I know his actions were an accident." Sort of. At the very least, she hadn't been his intended target. "Everyone else's? Not so much."
She knew that wasn't the case with Luna. She had an awareness of everyone and everything that no-one else in Raven's life could compete with.
She'd never forget, or deem what happened irrelevant.
Hell, she'd only been in Raven's life for a couple of weeks and already she was the only person who'd even considered her feelings when it came to Murphy.
Whatever friendship she formed with him, it was done with the full understanding of just how much he'd hurt Raven - a hurt that Luna freely acknowledged. But with everyone else, she got the sense that they thought she was being unreasonable, that her long-enduring resentment was an irritant they'd rather didn't exist, something they hoped she would move past quickly.
Luna displayed no such impatience.
Whilst she may want Raven and Murphy to get along, to find a common ground, such desire did not trump the mechanic's own needs. There was no expectation that Raven would or even should move past anything - Murphy or otherwise - and that was. . .
A relief, to be honest.
Everyone wanted her to be better. Needed her to be.
Luna was the only person who seemed to understand that her pain was a struggle Raven may never come out on top of. At the very least, she showed no disappointment in her inability to pull herself together and get over it.
(none of the disappointment that Raven felt in herself)
But even if that wasn't the case, her answer to the other woman's question would have remained the same.
She knew that Luna needed people to care about, to look after.
And all the available options on this island were rather pitiful.
Right now she just had Raven, the most pitiful of all.
She didn't want to be the only person Luna had. She knew how that went. Finn had been her world, the only person she really, truly cared about - and look how that had turned out. She'd been dependent on his life being in hers and when he was gone, the loss had crippled her.
She didn't want that for Luna.
If she could find someone else to attach her heart to, then Raven wanted that. Even if that person was Murphy. Her jealousy could feel free to fuck right off.
Just because Finn had preferred someone else over her didn't mean Luna would.
And even if she did, maybe that would be better.
Murphy, unlike Raven, actually had a shot at surviving this nightmare. Really, she should want the other woman to like him more.
But she didn't.
She couldn't.
She couldn't want that. And it was one of her more frustrating revelations to date.
Luna's expression was pained as she took in Raven's words. "It's harder when the hurts done to us aren't acknowledged," she murmured and Raven didn't mind so much the understanding she saw in her eyes this time, not when it came to this. "That's something I struggled with, after the Conclave. It took me time to understand everything that had been done to me, everything I had done to others. But once I did, it was lonely."
Raven blinked, struck by the confession.
"I was hurt. And angry. But it was as though the whole world was saying I didn't have a right to be. That it was wrong. I was wrong. I killed my brother and I was wrong to be angry about it. To be upset. Hurt." She exhaled. "Guilty."
Raven swallowed, wishing that didn't strike a chord. Her leg, Finn. Everything. People wanted her to get over it. To move on.
Be better.
But she couldn't. She'd tried and she couldn't. No matter what way she went about it. No matter how much she wanted to get over it, to be better, she couldn't.
She just. . . couldn't.
Raven was stuck. And no-one else was stuck with her.
Yeah.
It was lonely.
Luna's gaze hardened. "You have a right to your anger, Raven. Don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise."
Huh. She hadn't expected that. Hadn't thought that, of all people, Luna would be the one encouraging her to lean into her anger, rather than away from it. The feeling seemed a hindrance, if not an antithesis, to her way of life. The peace she determinedly catered for herself - and those around her, if they would only invite it in.
Speechless, Raven could barely manage a short, stilted nod. Luna's expression eased, a warmth filling her eyes the longer they held Raven's. . .
Clearing her throat, the mechanic broke their stare, forcing her legs to take up the pattern of walking again. The conversation was far less intimate when they were on the move and she didn't have to look into Luna's eyes. "I don't mind you being friends with Murphy. If that's what you want, then you should go for it."
Luna's smile was wry as she fell into step beside her. "I wouldn't exactly call us friends. But I understand him. I know what it is to hurt someone in a way you can never take back. Someone you care about."
Raven snorted. Of all the bullshit her ears had ever had to endure. . . "Murphy doesn't care about me."
But Luna made a noise of disagreement. "I think he admires you."
"Right. Sure."
"He does." The other woman caught her gaze then, refusing to let her escape it. "But his feelings don't matter in this. Only yours."
Raven's mouth parted. Like the earlier statement on anger, she hadn't been expecting that level of callousness from Luna. But her eyes were hardened with steel, the effect almost penetrating, and Raven knew she meant every word. That in this, Luna considered her own feelings and desires to be the most important thing and that was. . . nice.
Freeing, in a way.
Whatever her earlier thoughts, she didn't need anyone's permission to feel the way she did - fuck that - but still.
It was nice.
Raven gave a short nod, finding she didn't have the words to express this.
But Luna smiled, and she knew she didn't have to. Not with her.
She got it.
She always did.
Always would, probably.
It'd be annoying if it wasn't such a relief.
A minute or so later, they reached the river and Luna inspected it for a time, seeming satisfied with what she found. Though to Raven, it just looked like any other river. Well, okay, that frog over on the opposite bank looked a little peculiar. . .
Was that a third eye?
"We'll have to follow it to see if it connects to the ocean. If it doesn't, it should be safe."
Right. The beach was a no-go. Raven didn't think that the radiation had spread this far yet - when she and Luna had visited the dock the other day, what few fishes she'd glimpsed in the water had certainly given off the impression of being happy and healthy (you know, for fish) - but best not to risk it. Even if that wasn't the case, Luna had been firm in her refusal to harvest anything from the sea, body stiffening at the mere suggestion.
The last thing the former leader wanted to do was feed poison to anyone else. Honestly, Raven was a little surprised that she'd volunteered to go fishing in the first place, knowing how pervasively the guilt of what had happened to her clan still clung to her.
But she wasn't about to question it. She wanted to believe that this was a sign that Luna was starting to heal - to forgive herself.
Hoped it was.
Raven glanced to the left and right of the river, though both directions looked much the same. "Which way do we go?"
Luna pointed to the left. "The land slopes downhill. If this river connects to the sea, it'll do so there."
"And if it doesn't?"
She smiled. "Then we can get started."
That would be a relief. She liked her walks with Luna but this suspense was killing her.
Fortunately, they seemed to be at the tail end of the river and only had to walk along it for half an hour to discover that it petered out into a small lake.
Raven stared at it, hip aching. The sight was slightly underwhelming through the haze of fatigue she'd been battling since. . . well, since waking up in that dropship with the mother of all headaches. "Why don't we just fish here?"
"We could." Luna smiled. "But the idea I have is easier - and often more effective."
Intrigued in spite of herself, Raven allowed her to lead a path away from the lake.
Great, more walking.
Still, she wasn't wholly opposed to it. Whilst the pain might make her regret this little excursion later, she was kind of enjoying herself. It was a welcome change of pace being out and away from the lab and all the stresses it contained. She probably shouldn't feel that way, should be anxious and guilty over the fact that she'd abandoned her responsibilities for the day - and a part of her was. But overwhelming that part was relief.
She'd needed the break.
As much as she hated to admit it.
And she suspected that a part of the reason for this expedition was Luna's determination to see that she take one. Oddly, she felt only a small stirring of irritation at this.
She was growing more and more used to the other woman's persistent care. She had a way of applying it that didn't entirely make Raven want to reel around and smack her in the face.
Which was worrying, to say the least.
She'd have to be extra careful not to fall into the motions of such care, to become used to it.
Used to Luna.
Sighing, she set her gaze back on the trickling water at their side. The unceasing background noise wasn't doing wonders for her headache but it did beat listening to Murphy's constant complaints whenever he decided to grace the lab with his presence.
When the fuck was this blasted river going to end?
In truth, the exercise was probably good for her. The pain was always worse on days when her range of movement was stiffly limited - so basically any day she spent hauled up in the lab. Walking helped stretch out her muscles, which tended to have a positive effect on her pain levels.
Just as long as she didn't overdo it.
That was always a fine line to walk and Raven could admit that she hadn't entirely worked out her limits yet - made harder by the fact that, whenever she encountered any, she steamrolled right over them.
She huffed. "I'm not sure I see why it was necessary to walk all this way just to find out if it connected to a lake." Without that little detour, they probably would have made it to their destination by now. "It's not like the sea can mix with the river water up here."
She may understand very little about how the ground operated but she knew enough about gravity and physics to determine that much. The river could flow into the sea but not the other way around.
"Some fish are capable of crossing the divide between saltwater and freshwater. They fight their way against the current, upstream from the sea."
"So. . . naughty fish, then?"
Luna's cheeks pinched in a smile. "They're just doing what they need to in order to survive and propagate."
"Excuses, excuses." Raven sighed, ducking her head in a faulty attempt to avoid the amusement dancing in the other woman's eyes.
The universe had been fucking with Raven when it decided to give Luna such beautiful eyes.
And a smile that could eclipse all others that she had ever been witness to.
Mostly, the universe was just fucking with her.
This was simply the latest piece of evidence presented to convince her of the fact.
Huffing, Raven crammed her hands into her pockets, and hardened her pace.
Fuck the universe.
It had never done anything for her, anyway.
A/N: So this fic is extremely slow burn. Like extremely. And it's going to be a long time until we get a kiss (just want to make that clear because I don't want you guys to get excited for nothing). I can say that it won't be before chapter 40, but that there will be at least 4 or 5 kisses throughout the fic (that's how many I've written so far at least). There's just too much Raven and Luna have to work through first and Luna's not yet at a point where's she able to recognize any romantic feelings for Raven, though they are starting to form. Would you like it if I gave you a countdown? Like when we get within ten or three (I won't say exactly which number) chapters of the first kiss, I give you guys a headsup. That way you still won't know when it's going to be, but you'll know it's okay to start getting excited. I don't know. I'm one of those people who lives for spoilers and looks up what happens in an episode/show before I start watching. But I know other people don't like spoilers. So just let me know :)
Also I think I mentioned in an earlier chapter that there wasn't going to be any sex in this fic. I still think that's likely to be the case but because the draft for the third (and last) part of this fic hasn't been written yet, it's possible that might change. However, if it does, I doubt it will be anything more than a fade to black situation as I honestly can't see myself being able to write smut lol
