A/N: Thanks guys for your lovely comments and letting me know you're still reading. I've been going through a rough patch anxiety and depression wise, so I've been having a lot of insecurity around my writing. I hope you're all doing well :)
"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters."
― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through it and Other Stories
"So, I had a question," Raven started, eyes cautious, and Luna sensed that she wasn't oblivious to her darkened mood. A pang of guilt hit her. She had meant for this day to be an escape, a distraction from the stress and fears their lives were so embroiled in. She'd wanted to give Raven something else to think about, to remind her that there was still life operating outside the walls of the lab, even if it was close to ending.
(had wanted to remind herself of that too)
And she'd wanted to share some of her world with Raven.
Before it disappeared.
Luna forced a smile, hoping to put the other woman at ease. "Go ahead."
Raven deliberated a moment. "Why are all your Commanders so young?"
The Grounder could tell it wasn't the question she'd originally intended to ask but she wouldn't call attention to that. If the question had related to what happened in the river, to Luna's emotional distress, then she was thankful for the reprieve. It wasn't a conversation she wanted to have right now. She was still coming to terms with that new aspect of herself, and needed more time with it before she could even begin the journey of sharing it with others.
"We have a sharp turn around," Luna answered.
Unintended or not, the question wasn't a complete surprise. Ever since learning of her Conclave, such inquiries had been unceasing and she sensed that it was a constant struggle for Raven not to blurt them out all at once. She was curious by nature.
Luna liked that.
She had been curious too, once. Before she'd discovered more of the world than she could bear.
"We can't afford to wait for nightbloods to reach adulthood when the average life expectancy of a Commander after ascension is six to ten years. Rarely more." Lexa had served longer than six, had fallen months short of making it to ten. That she had survived that long, though, made her one of the more fortunate Commanders. If survival in such capacity could ever be considered fortunate. "If Ontari had ever fully ascended, though, she would have gone down as the shortest-serving Commander in history."
Raven scowled. "Would serve her right." At Luna's almost scolding look, "What? She was a bitch. I never met the chick but I've heard more than enough shit. She killed a bunch of kids for Christ's sake."
"Which would make her no different than any other Commander." Lexa had killed six children. Luna only one. At least, during her Conclave. Before then. . .
She wondered whether Raven's heart would fill with contempt for her, too, if she ever came to know of all the blood that coated her hands, whether she would turn away. Luna was no less deserving of her scorn than Ontari.
It was true that the other nightblood had acted without honor but what did that really matter when, in the end, the result was the same?
Luna couldn't judge her any more than she could judge herself.
And she'd been striving over the years to stop doing that. Striving, striving. . .
Until now.
Now, she no longer had the energy - or the will - to resist such thoughts.
What would even be the point?
All she'd been working for, all she'd hoped for was gone. And there was no chance of it ever returning.
If Luna fell back into self-hatred now it would have little consequence for her future.
Or for the world.
"You are being mean to yourself again," Adria admonished, cupping her face almost sternly.
Luna resisted the urge to smile. "Am I?"
"Yes." She nodded sagely. "I can tell. You go very cold."
Trying to ease the girl's concern, she placed her own hands over the ones on her cheeks, giving them a squeeze. "Do I feel cold to you?"
Adria shook her head, though the look in her eyes made it clear that she thought Luna had just said something very silly. She was seven years old now and had come to the conclusion that most people - especially grownups - could be expected to display a certain level of silliness and it was her job to make sure that such silliness did not get the better of them. "It is not a feeling, it is a look. Your eyes grow cold and you disappear."
Luna swallowed. "I'm sorry, my love. I don't mean to."
"I know," she said simply. "I do it too. But then you bring me back. So I will bring you back." She squinted. "Is it working?"
Luna beamed, embracing the feeling of chubby hands on her cheeks, anchoring her to this moment. "Yes, yes it is."
The gravity disappeared from Adria's face and she broke out in a grin. "Good." The hug came in a rush, eager arms wrapping around Luna as the air was thrust from her lungs. "Don't disappear. Don't go anywhere without me."
She understood the child's anxiety, knew it had plagued her ever since the tragic loss of her entire family. Luna's guilt rose at the knowledge that she had added to that struggle, planted new seeds from which fear could spring. She was aware that just because a person was physically present, didn't mean they weren't gone. And she had a tendency to disappear into her head, to fade from the world.
Some days, it took more than a touch to bring her back. But those periods were growing less frequent, their hold on her waning.
Soon, she hoped, Adria would not have to bring her back at all.
Luna was healing. Achingly slow. But she could feel the pieces of herself knitting back together.
She was becoming whole again.
In some ways, that was terrifying. For what was whole could be shattered, and there were days Luna thought she would prefer to lie in pieces than succumb to the devastation of being torn apart all over again. To break was more painful than being broken, and Luna was all too aware that when you gazed up from the bottom, there was no need to fear the fall. It had already passed.
But she'd watched Adria go through the process of mending these last few years and she did it fearlessly.
She was so strong. So brave.
And Luna was inspired by her every day.
"I won't," she breathed into the girl's hair, clutching her close.
"Promise?" The question was faint, almost fearful.
She swallowed. "I promise."
"Luna?"
She blinked, the warm grip around her disappearing and she had to fight back tears at the loss of it.
Her memory, no matter how good it was, could not compete with the merciless pull of reality.
She took a breath, raised her gaze to Raven, who was watching her with renewed concern. Luna wondered how long she'd been absent this time. Didn't dare to ask.
"Would you rather talk about something else?"
Luna smiled, appreciating the gesture, even if it was unnecessary. It wasn't the conversation that was taking her back to the past, it was the rippling river at their side, the icy hold it still had on her heart. "No, this is fine. There's not much more to say, anyway." Unless Raven decided that she had more questions, which she might. Her curiosity was insatiable - and Luna was glad for it. "But the short lifespan of a Commander is another reason why nightbloods have to reach a certain age before competing in the Conclave." A small mercy. "Otherwise, there wouldn't be enough candidates for ascension every time one dies."
By waiting until they'd matured to the age of eleven, it meant that they weren't obliterating the pool of novitiates all in one go. Those that were younger would be given more time to train and reach a certain level of maturity, hopefully by the time a Commander was needed once more.
If all nightbloods were entered into a single Conclave, then it ran the risk that the only future candidates would be babies and toddlers, incapable of ruling.
Not even the Flame could transform an infant into a leader.
Raven snorted. "So you guys still have some sense then?"
Luna resented the insult to her people but she couldn't blame Raven's poor opinion of them after everything she had been exposed to. She hoped to change her mind. Eventually.
Luna wasn't always favorable when it came to her own people either - so many of her scars had been carved by their bloodthirst and indifference, their ruthlessness. Most days she felt divorced from her kind, resentful. Most days, they did not feel like her people at all. But the faults Luna found in them she knew she could find in any other race. The ground hadn't made them this way, their nature had.
And none of them could escape it.
Not even her.
"We're not senselessly brutal, Raven," Luna chided, though her voice remained gentle. "There's a reason for everything we do."
Even if those reasons were unsatisfactory at best.
But even if they weren't, no reason could ever erase the blood on her hands, or close the hole that had been ripped in her heart.
"So you've said." Raven sighed then, ire disappearing in the face of tired regret. "Sorry. I guess I'm still struggling with the whole making kids kill kids thing."
She smiled at her. "Would it be odd if I said that I like that you're struggling?"
Raven's brow furrowed. "Guess it depends on why you like it."
"Because no-one else ever has," Luna replied, smile still in place, though she felt it weaken now. "Struggled, I mean. Except me. And I was. . ." She shook her head, "made to feel perverse for that. Even those like Nyko, Lincoln, and Derrick - who disagreed with the tradition, if only privately - still understood it. Accepted it."
Costia had been against it from the beginning, long before Luna. But she had never struggled with the knowledge of it, never fallen apart because she could no longer comprehend the brutality of the world they lived in.
Instead, she had squared her shoulders and sought to do something about it.
As always.
Luna would forever admire her for that.
Raven watched her, eyes sad. "That sounds. . . lonely."
The echoes of their previous conversation swayed between them.
"It is." Luna tried for another smile, yet it broke upon birth. "But it feels a little less lonely now."
Because at last she had seen the same horror she felt in her heart reflected in the eyes of another.
And the same anger.
A tentative smile drew at Raven's lips and Luna's own returned at the sight of it, fuller now. It was inexplicable how, with a simple look, a single word, this woman could make her heart grow warm. Could chase away the ice with seemingly no effort at all, nothing but a glancing touch of her hand, or the crook of her lips.
She made breathing easy.
And Luna didn't know why.
A harsh blade of wind whipped across them, freezing the water still clinging to her hair and making the tentative goosebumps along her flesh rise in earnest.
She shivered.
Raven didn't miss it, grimaced. "Look, I'm sorry about nearly drowning you."
Luna's brow furrowed, taking in the awkward shifting of the other woman. "You didn't nearly drown me, Raven."
Her eyebrows shot up. "Uh, kinda did."
"I can swim." That wasn't the problem. "And I should have warned you about how slippery the rocks can be." Luna had fallen victim to them herself enough times when she was younger.
"And what assholes the fish can be," Raven grumbled.
Luna smiled. "Mm." She hesitated, not sure if she should ask the next question. "Is your leg okay?"
A flash of irritation darkened the mechanic's features before she sighed, forcing her shoulders to relax. "It's not great but it'll be fine."
Luna nodded, pleased that she had chosen to be honest. "The walk back isn't going to be easy. It's all uphill." She should have considered that when she'd planned this expedition but she hadn't foreseen their little tumble.
"I'll manage." The hard set to Raven's jaw dared Luna to doubt her.
She didn't.
She thought about apologizing for the extra pain she had caused but she knew the other woman would only resent her for the gesture. "Okay."
Luna returned her attention to the net in her hands, knowing Raven would appreciate an escape from her scrutiny. But she had to look up when she heard an exclamation of disgust, catching the other woman taking a whiff of her hands and staring at them in startled horror. "God, I stink. Fish are gross."
Luna hid a smile. "Mm. I probably should have warned you about that too."
It was unfortunate that the majority of their haul was taken up by one particular species of fish that seemed to have evolved to be slipperier (and thus, slimier) than most. Luna decided it was probably best not to inform Raven that this fish also secreted a toxin through their scales to subdue predators. It was harmless to humans, after all, and she'd had enough talk of poison for one day. No need to stir the pot when it wasn't necessary.
Noting the enduring grimace on Raven's face, she reached into her bag. "Here," Luna said, holding out some crushed leaves for the other woman. Luna had prepared them that morning but had forgotten them in the chaos.
Raven eyed the offering cautiously. "What is it?"
"Something that will help cover the smell until we make it back and you can properly wash."
She took it eagerly.
Luna didn't blame her. She loved the sea and all that came with it. Loved the ancient motions of fishing, how much calmer it was compared to hunting.
But the smell would never be appealing.
Nor would the feel of slime swallowing her fingers.
Thinking on this, Luna reached into her satchel, retrieving some waipa klin which she then passed to a bemused Raven, fishing out another for herself as she began the process of wiping the muck from her hands.
Adria used to chase her around the oil rig, hands up at the ready as she strived to contaminate her fleeing victim with the foul-smelling goo that coated them.
Luna would give anything to go back to one of those moments, to feel the horrible slime sliding across her skin as Adria giggled with her assault.
She would give anything to have that messy peace back.
Luna cleared her throat, watching the grimace on Raven's face as she scraped the leaves over her hands, making a note to keep her far away from the kitchen when it came time to gut the fish.
"I'm sorry today proved to be such a disaster." She hadn't intended for it to be.
Raven frowned. "We caught twenty-seven fish. That's hardly a disaster."
In any other circumstance, Luna would agree with her. But she could still feel the harsh grip of a hand, fisting in her hair, holding her down.
She also wasn't oblivious to the occasional winces that had become far more frequent on Raven's face ever since they had pulled themselves from the river's depths.
Luna had caused them both pain today, her good intentions could not counter that.
She let out a breath, deciding not to speak this into existence. "No, I suppose it's not."
Luna's stomach cramped and, grimacing, she concluded that it was going to be as much of a struggle to digest what they'd caught as it had proved to catch it.
She'd been tortured before in her life. But never by someone she loved.
Someone she trusted with her whole heart.
In many ways, that was worse than the torture itself.
Derrick had not been in control of his actions but it was still his face she saw when she flashed back to those moments, still his hands in her hair, holding her down.
Those hands which had once treated her with such gentleness, at a time when she had been utterly deprived of it.
Luna looked away, breaking the connection. "We should get going. It'll be night soon."
And cold.
Their clothes were still drenched and the night air would not be forgiving to them.
Best not to give it the chance to attack.
But just as the river is always at the door, so is the world always outside. And it is in the world that we have to live."
― Lian Hearn, Across the Nightingale Floor
Murphy blinked as he opened the front door to the mansion, taking in the pitiful appearances of the soaking pair on his doorstep.
He raised a brow. "What the hell happened to you two?"
Raven groaned and pushed past him. "Fucking fish."
He looked to Luna for explanation and she sighed, relinquishing her loaded net into his stunned hands. "It's been an eventful day."
In the next moment, Raven was backtracking, spinning around to place her own net in Murphy's other hand. He sagged under the extra weight.
"You and Emori can do the hunting and gathering from now on," she grunted before stalking off.
Murphy stared after her. "Weren't we already doing that?"
An obscene gesture was his only response.
Smirking, he turned back to Luna. "Someone's cranky."
A groan of rage met his assessment and the Grounder's mouth twitched.
"It's a little past her bedtime," she confided.
"Wasn't aware she had one." The mechanic certainly didn't abide by it if she did.
Luna lifted her shoulders in a half shrug before moving further into the room. Murphy fumbled to close the door behind her without dropping his stinky cargo.
When he turned back around, he spotted where Raven was headed and his eyes narrowed.
"Hey! No wet clothes on my couch, Reyes."
Predictably, she flopped onto the couch, ignoring his command.
Sighing inwardly, Murphy turned back to Luna, taking in her bedraggled appearance. Whilst Raven's clothes were dripping, Luna looked completely drenched.
He raised a brow. "Go for a swim?"
Her lips pulled in vague amusement. "In a manner of speaking."
"You look cold."
"Well, I feel a lot colder."
He nodded his head in the direction of her room. "Go. Have a shower and warm up. I'll take care of these." He jostled the nets to indicate, undeniably eager to set them away somewhere he'd no longer be able to smell their contents.
Couldn't they have gone hunting instead?
Murphy wouldn't have made this offer of respite to just anyone but the nightblood happened to be one of the only people on earth he actually liked and he hadn't forgotten her attempt at comfort the other day. A useless attempt, really, but he was conscious of how few people would have deigned to make the effort at all - at least for him.
It had earned Luna a shower at the very least.
She smiled and briefly placed a hand on his arm before drifting past him.
He heard her exchange a couple of words with Raven on the way out before the mechanic huffed and reluctantly peeled herself off the couch.
Yeah. Luna wasn't too bad.
Once the other woman was out of sight, however, Raven flopped back onto the furniture.
Murphy withheld a sigh.
Still, he could have some fun with this. "Why does Luna look like someone tried to drown her?"
Raven groaned, burying her head in the couch cushions.
He smirked. "You know, if you're trying to get a girl wet, that's not really the way to go about it."
Murphy was far from oblivious to her feelings for the nightblood. Honestly, at this point, he wasn't sure how anyone could be. Though, he was surrounded by an island full of morons so he couldn't find it within himself to be too surprised.
Still, Raven's crush on Luna was so big it seemed primed to outgrow her humongous ego, which he hadn't thought possible until now.
She sputtered. "Fuck you, Murphy!"
It would be a lie to say he wasn't finding this unexpected turn of affairs amusing. He'd never seen Raven so flustered before. Except for the day he'd found her pacing one of the lower levels of Becca's lab, looking every inch in need of a cold shower.
He wondered if Luna was aware of Raven's attraction. It was hard to tell with her. The Grounder was unreadable. You saw what she wanted you to see and not much else.
Which was why he also couldn't determine whether or not that attraction was reciprocated, though Luna's apparent devotion to the disaster-prone mechanic was certainly telling.
The survivalist in Murphy found this ability of Luna's disconcerting, even threatening. The rest of him was just plain impressed, not to mention envious.
He crossed his arms. "Just coming from someone who's had more success with women than you."
Raven raised her head. "Emori isn't women. She's one smart woman who got temporarily blinded by stupidity when she met you. I'm confident that she'll recover all her faculties soon enough and rectify her mistake."
"At least I've never tried to drown her," he grumbled.
Her hand shot up. "You don't know that's what happened!"
Uh-huh. With how worked up she was getting about it, he couldn't imagine anything else being the case. "Then what did happen?"
Raven just glared before sinking her face into the cushions once more. "We were attacked by a fish."
"Mm-hmm."
"It's true."
"I'm sure."
She groaned rather dramatically, before lurching off the couch and storming away.
"Luna's taking a shower right now if you were thinking of finishing the job!" he called after her. He wondered if it was possible to drown someone in a shower. With the way their lives worked, he'd probably find out one day.
"Fuck you, Murphy!"
He smirked, turning away.
Two fuck-you-Murphys in one day, that's a record.
Yeah. Things were improving between the two of them.
He and Raven were almost amicable now.
If it kept up like this, they'd be palling around in no time.
A/N: I didn't like Ontari myself - mostly because she raped John, though I'm more angry at the writers for that since it wasn't framed as rape - but Luna doesn't know that happened, she knows only that Ontari was fashioned from infancy into a weapon, much like herself. And like me, she feels a certain amount of sympathy for anyone who was raised by Nia lol.
Who else got all blubbery when Luna called Adria 'my love' when she was dying? That scene breaks my fucking heart
The crushed leaves Luna gives Raven for the smell are from the Caiggluk plant, which has been used by Alaska Natives for many different purposes, including this. Caiggluk is the Yupik dialect for Artemisia tilesii, the plant's scientific name.
Waipa Klin is my own invention (but there are plants in the real world that are you used to wipe off fish slime as well). Klin is Trigedasleng for clean, and waipa is my own Trigedasleng word for wipe.
