A/N:
Sorry for the long wait guys. Haven't been doing too well mentally and my brain fog has gotten really bad. Lately, I've been lucky if I'm able to get in an hour of proofreading a week through the fog. Hence, the long wait. I don't think the next chapter will take quite so long as I had that draft mostly ironed out before I got sick (at the beginning of the year). It just needs maybe two more proofreads.
So I can't remember whether I've mentioned this before or not but you can basically just assume that during any flashback they're switching back and forth between Trigedasleng and English (which is what we tend to see on the show when the Grounders are communicating between themselves, which makes sense when you want to maintain the ability to speak both languages). The majority of the time when Luna is talking to Adria or Derrick, though, it's in Trigedasleng. In a flashback, if a character says a word in Trigedasleng, like 'Skaikru', you can assume they've been speaking in English. None of this is really important lol but whatever.
The flashbacks are from the night Derrick died.
'I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim. . .'
- Can You Feel My Heart by Beyond the Horizon
Lexa was dead.
Lincoln was dead.
Bouin, better known as Cap, was dead.
Austin was dead.
Shae was dead.
Krei was dead
Derrick- Oh, God Derick.
How could Luna have lost them all in the space of two days?
Two days.
Even Titus was gone.
As a child, he'd seemed almost immortal to her. A specter that would always be there, for better or worse. A constant. It was only now that she realized a part of her had held onto that impression all through the years.
But he was as mortal as the rest of them.
Gone.
So many were just. . . gone.
Luna's sanctuary had been invaded, violated. She'd been tortured by those she loved, near forced to take the Flame and, at the end of it all, had reneged on her vow. She'd killed again. More than once.
So quickly. So easily.
Like she'd never stopped at all.
The skill had come back to Luna without hesitation. Her people, her friends, hadn't stood a chance. Could never stand a chance.
Not against her.
She'd cut them down with so little effort.
Luna wished it had been harder. Physically, at least. Wished it had taken longer. That her body hadn't still remembered those moves as intimately as a mother's hug.
(Luna had no notion of what a mother's hug felt like but she knew the steps of combat as though they'd been tattooed onto her feet at birth)
It all felt like a dream. Or rather a nightmare that Luna still held out hope she could wake from.
She didn't even know how to begin grieving all that she'd lost. It was so much at once. Too much.
But she still had Floukru. And most important of all, she still had Adria. Luna hadn't lost her.
That would have to be enough.
She'd survived on less.
"Luna?"
She flinched, muscles still tense from the events of the day. She'd hidden away from the subdued festivities the first chance she could, relieved that the Sky People were finally gone from her sanctuary and A.L.I.E. along with them. Luna was exhausted enough to sleep, but too emotionally wrought to make the attempt.
(every time she shut her eyes, she saw Derrick's deadened ones staring back at her from behind her lids. Every time she shifted in bed, the abundant space reminded her of who would never fill it again)
She'd just wanted to be alone. And her room was the only place in Floukru that offered that.
Or so she'd assumed.
Adria stood in the doorway, shifting awkwardly as she tried to maintain the weight of the toddler on her hip. At two-years-old, Reed had been born into Floukru but his mother had relinquished him after six months in order to return to her clan. She'd wanted her child to have a better life, but she hadn't been able to forsake her duty to her people in order to give herself one as well.
Luna understood how painful such a decision was and had promised to keep him safe.
(a promise she had very nearly failed in)
Within weeks, Adria had 'adopted' the baby, deciding that he was her honorary little brother - since Luna had time and time again refused to give her one by more direct means - and was henceforth her responsibility.
It worried Luna a little, even as it warmed her heart. The girl was already too serious for her age. She had no need to add yet more gravity to her life. More responsibility.
As it was, Adria considered the world and all that happened within it - including its faults - as resting solely on her shoulders.
It wasn't a belief Luna had yet been able to break her of.
"What are you doing up so late?" she croaked, wincing at the way the words cut across her throat. It was raw from crying, from desperately gasping for breath in the few moments she was granted it.
She'd never thought that water could be used against her. . .
So many things had been. But not that. Never that.
Never until today.
"Reed had a nightmare."
The boy on Adria's hip stayed sucking his thumb, staring at Luna serenely.
A likely story.
"Ah. I see." She suppressed a smile, though it wasn't hard - the beginnings of the expression felt dead on her lips, too weak to hold. "Would Reed like it if you both spent the rest of the night in my bed, then?"
Adria nodded a little too eagerly, already scrambling across the room. Reed gave a squawk at the sudden change in pace, grasping at her hair. The girl winced but didn't try to disentangle him.
This time, Luna's smile was strong enough to let through.
"You went away," Adria said, voice faintly scolding after all three of them had settled on the bed. Reed stayed perched between them, sitting up as he inspected the ceiling with profound interest, occasionally offering slurred commentary.
Luna bit her lip. "I know."
She hadn't meant to.
(a lie)
She just hadn't been able to stand the thought of facing Adria after what she'd done. Of taking the chance that she would see horror in the child's eyes instead of love. Because now Adria knew. Now she knew what Luna really was. What she had always been.
A killer.
The farthest thing from safe a person could be.
Someone to be feared.
And there was fear in the girl's eyes, now. Just not of Luna.
"Is it because of me?"
She frowned. "What do you mean?"
Adria looked down, playing with the fabric of Luna's top. "I mean. . . it's my fault. What happened with Derrick. If I didn't let myself get caught, you wouldn't have had to kill him. You wouldn't have to kill anyone."
Luna stiffened, dismay filling her chest. "That wasn't your fault, Adria. I don't want you ever thinking that."
"Then why did you go away? Why didn't you come and see me?"
Luna hesitated. She had gone to see Adria. After it was all over, when the child was fast asleep, recovering from the ordeal. She just hadn't wanted Adria to see her. "I suppose I was ashamed."
Her brow furrowed. "Ashamed?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
A simple question, but with no simple answer she could give.
"Because I never wanted you to see me like that." Taking a breath, Luna stroked a hand through her hair, muscles sighing their relief at the sensation. The familiarity of Adria's warmth frightened some of the fears away.
Her brow furrowed. "Like what?"
Like herself.
The self she had tried to dash away against rocks and crashing waves. Bury in the sea.
Luna said nothing, just touched a kiss to her hair, holding tight for a moment.
"I didn't want you to be scared of me," she said, rather than answering.
"Well, that's stupid."
Luna raised a brow. "Oh?"
She stuck up her chin. "Yes, silly. I could never be scared of you. Not ever." She squinted a moment. "You're not a very scary person, Luna." Adria patted her arm somewhat consolingly, as though she might be disappointed or offended by this.
Luna chuckled. "Ah, I see."
"Yes, you do."
She narrowed her eyes at the smug look on the girl's face. "Hush."
There'd been another reason she'd avoided Adria. Avoided everyone, once her required role in the funeral proceedings had been completed. Once the Sky People were gone.
Still fear. But of a different kind.
The darkness had been building inside her all day, ever since Clarke had grabbed the back of her neck, seeking to force Luna into a fate she'd been running from for years. The thought of any of that darkness spreading to Adria terrified her. Sometimes, Luna was surprised that when her palms retreated from the child's body, dark bloody handprints weren't left in their place.
Darker than dark.
Black.
Even now, as her fingers combed through Adria's hair, Luna was somewhat mystified to find the color of the strands unchanging, still pale and glowing in the moonlight, illuminated even further by the candles that lined the room.
Years after her Conclave and Luna still struggled to comprehend how she didn't destroy everything she was gifted to touch.
Tonight had only reaffirmed this struggle.
"Will you sing me my song?"
Luna's lips curved up, the darkness shuddering under the force of innocent light, and she placed a lingering kiss to Adria's forehead, breathing in the scent of rosemary. It hadn't been there earlier in the day and she knew the reason for its presence now, tried not to linger on it. She didn't want the darkness to touch this moment. "Of course."
If Adria wanted her song, then her song she would have.
Luna would do anything for her.
(and now she had the blood-ridden hands to prove it)
Luna smiled, watching as the mansion's other occupants gorged themselves on the day's catch. With their numbers spread across the large dining room table, it was a little like being a child again with the novitiates crowded in the Tower's dining hall, sharing in their meal. Sometimes, discussion would be subdued, the day's activities taking a toll, or else the rare presence of Titus or the Commander would caution them into silence. But at others, a cacophony of sound reigned: tinkling cutlery; a chaos of conversations; and the sprinkling of laughs and exclamations.
There weren't many laughs tonight but everyone seemed more at ease than usual, content in the company of their clan.
(seeds of envy planted themselves inside her but Luna refused to give them water to sprout)
From her own observations over the past few days, it was rare for everyone to be in the same room at once.
Abby and Clarke occupied the end of the table, deep in conversation, and the others granted the mother and daughter some much needed time to themselves; Jackson and Miller were leaning into each other nearby, heads close together as they engaged in enthusiastic conversation; which left John, Emori, Raven, and herself to take up the end of the table.
Roan had made himself absent and Luna couldn't deny that she was relieved by that.
Their history was. . . somewhat rocky and convoluted. Not to mention volatile.
She'd rather not entertain it tonight.
Luckily for her, Roan had always been antisocial even at the best of times.
And these were far from the best of times.
Still, Luna couldn't be completely content. Her meal roiled in her belly as she shifted pieces of fish around on a plate, scraping off flesh with the intention of consumption before ultimately pushing it away.
A waste. But she couldn't help herself.
All it had taken was one bite to take her back, to pull the past into disorientating clarity.
Raven watched her behavior closely. Luna wished she wouldn't. Not tonight. She didn't want to ruin this small moment of peace for her, or the others.
"What's wrong?"
Luna shook her head, frustrated with herself, and the new clothes that clung to her awkwardly. There was no reassurance to be found in them, no history.
She set her fork down, touched the shell that now dangled once more from her neck, just to check that it remained. That at least one thing still did.
Luna wished she could blame her struggle on the nausea that had afflicted her ever since the sickness struck, the way her stomach rebelled at the assault of food most days (a side effect that would pass in time, according to Abby).
But Luna knew better.
Nausea and cramping, she could handle - it would be no different to what she'd faced in those first years after the Conclave - but Luna knew that another bite of the fish set before her would send her rushing to the bathroom.
A waste of food and a waste of energy.
Distracted, she failed to answer the question in time and Raven drew closer, brow furrowing. "Luna?"
Luna's eyes flickered back down to her plate.
The last time she had tasted of fish, it had led to the deaths of everyone she loved.
Strangely, that rather spoiled her appetite. "It's nothing. I just overestimated myself."
Everything was tainted now.
Luna pushed the plate aside, bargaining to return to it later - though cold fish was no treat.
She forced a smile, refocusing her attention on Raven. "So. What do you think of it?"
The other woman had been more than a little hesitant to sample her own plate, though for very different reasons.
Raven hesitated. "Honestly?"
She nodded.
The mechanic's grimace said all. "I hate it."
Luna laughed - and was grateful for the words that had tempted the response from her.
Grateful for Raven.
(And the reliability of her blunt honesty.
Like John, she lacked a certain amount of delicacy and tact.
Luna enjoyed that)
"Speak for yourself," her fellow cook grunted, knife and fork grating at his plate with a force that Luna had to struggle not to wince against. "I think it's brilliant. Certainly beats rat."
Raven whirled. "When did you eat rat?"
John blanched. Emori patted his arm consolingly. "We don't speak of that," despite her sympathetic tone, there was a traitorous curl to her lips.
Raven didn't bother to suppress a smirk as she turned back to her, though Luna had to sympathize with the poor boy.
"I'm sorry for your misfortune." As a child, she'd been taught to conceal her every emotion, to not let it take a foothold on her face. She was glad for that training now, or a smile might have broken free and overshadowed her attempt at sympathy. "They taste worse than snake."
An impressive feat, if ever there was one.
Raven blinked. "Snake? Like, the slithery hissing kind? That bites?"
Luna's mouth twitched.
"Taste worse than raccoon, too," Emori put in her two cents worth.
"Actually, I didn't mind that," Clarke commented. "Squirrel on the other hand. . ."
Raven threw up her hands. "Why has everybody here eaten rats?"
Luna resisted the curl of her own lips and instead clasped her hands under her chin, expression grave. "But nothing is as bad as mudfish."
Emori and Clarke grimaced in shared agreement.
"Snails are petty bad," the blonde countered, though.
"Not if you prepare them right," Luna disagreed, scooping some peas onto her fork.
Raven's eyes snapped to her. "I do not give you permission to feed me snails."
She could no longer contain her smile. "Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you."
Even if she didn't mind the cuisine herself.
Raven still looked suitably apprehensive, but her lips drew up slightly at Luna's words.
Their gazes lingered a moment, the clashing of utensils and low murmurs fading out, and Luna felt her lungs relax into expansion, drawing upon the air as easily as if she were deep in meditation.
Raven made things still and it was a gift that was becoming more and more noticeable.
(Luna wondered what she would do when the other woman was no longer around to offer it)
"So. . . this isn't going to poison us, is it?" Murphy's voice cut into the calm and Luna's lips pursed as she caught Raven's leg snapping out to kick him under the table.
"What?" His eyes widened. "I meant because of the way you guys caught it!"
Raven sneered, shaking her head. "You're such a dick, Murphy."
It didn't seem to occur to her that she'd asked the same question herself earlier that day.
Luna forced a smile, hoping to ease the tension. "It's fine, John. The fish are only temporarily poisoned and soon recover." If they weren't caught and served up for supper, at least. "Even if that weren't the case, it has no effect on humans. Not at such a small dose."
He shrugged, seemingly satisfied with that, enough so that he didn't hesitate to shove another forkful of their spoils into his mouth. "Guess it doesn't really matter. We're all going to be kicking the bucket soon, anyway."
"Jeez, thanks for the vote of confidence, Murphy," Clarke grumbled.
"Hey, you're the one who lost the barrel."
She quietened, melancholy sinking into her features and Luna felt a flash of sympathy for the girl. Whatever uncharitable feelings she might have towards Clarke, none of this was her fault.
"The journey was always going to be risky," she soothed. "Being ambushed by traitors was an unforeseen complication, and hardly your fault."
Clarke returned a weak smile, though Luna could tell that the words had failed to reassure. She was a leader, every loss was her fault. That was how it worked.
If Luna's heart was more open, if she didn't still bear the memory of the other woman gripping her neck as she forced the Flame towards her face, she might have tried harder. Might have sought Clarke out in a moment of solitude, attempted to ease her guilt as she'd done with John the other day.
If her clan were still alive, Luna might care more than she did.
But they weren't.
And she didn't.
Clarke had never apologized for what she'd done, had never even seemed to see the need to. And Luna's compassion had limits. She wouldn't force herself to console someone so far removed from the consequences of their own actions.
She didn't have the energy.
Not now.
She could allow herself this selfishness, if nothing else.
Luna looked up at the sound of movement to see the woman beside her switching their plates. "Raven-"
"You need to eat more." There were only vegetables left on her plate and she'd traded them for the messy remains of Luna's fish.
"Raven, you just said you hated it."
The mechanic shrugged. "It's better than the shit we had on the Ark."
She frowned. Raven shouldn't miss out on the favored parts of her meal just because Luna had overestimated her own fortitude - her ability to heal. "Raven. . ."
She was unmoved. "Consider it payment for nearly drowning you."
Luna sighed, resisting the urge to tell her for the ninth time that she had not nearly drowned her. The whole fiasco had been her own fault. She hadn't cautioned Raven about the slippery stones, hadn't kept a close eye on her despite their unstable footing, and Luna's panicked reaction when going under was the only reason she'd come close to 'nearly drowning' as the mechanic put it. None of that was Raven's fault.
Seeing the resistance on her face, the other woman employed her trump card. "If you get to take care of me, then I get to take care of you. Those are the rules, take em or leave em."
Raven's expression was unbearably smug, confident that she now had her cornered - which she did. If Luna protested her offering any longer, she knew she would find far heavier resistance the next time she attempted to prevent the mechanic from working herself to death.
Reluctantly, she pulled the unwelcome plate towards her in defeat.
Raven smirked. "Good girl."
If Luna was younger, she might have flicked a bunch of soggy peas at her face, but as it was she contented herself with a baleful stare. She felt like a girl again, in those first years after the Conclave, Nyko or Derrick - or, later when she was lucky, Costia - fussing over her and trying to break through her hunger strike (there had been so many in the beginning).
Lincoln had never fussed. He'd simply waited her out, refusing to leave until he was satisfied that she would be alright - or as close to alright as she could achieve in those days. Admittedly, sometimes she'd manipulated this. Resisting food because it was the only way she knew of making him stay. Making anyone stay.
Back then, she hadn't been able to ask.
Hadn't thought she deserved to.
But Luna knew now that she had only to have said the words and Lincoln would have remained, would have stayed for as long as she needed, as long as she wanted.
(perhaps that was another reason she'd never asked)
Costia and Nyko could never stay. They had far too many responsibilities. But she'd known that if things were different, they would have remained for as long as she allowed - and in Costia's case, well past then.
But Derrick. . .
Derrick had come into her life one day and never left. Never even thought to. The steady presence of him had managed to fill some of the cavernous space left by Sol, something she'd never thought possible. She'd had a constant again. Someone she could rely on. Someone to love, and love her in return.
Someone she trusted without hesitation.
His fussing, at first an irritant, almost smothering in its overabundant dedication, had soon become a comfort. A reminder that she wasn't alone. Not anymore.
She would never have to be alone again.
The memory of all this both warmed and pierced her heart, as Luna felt the pang of their loss all over again. When she had given up on life, she still had those who refused to give up on her.
It was a gift she would never be able to repay.
For none of them were alive to receive it.
With this in mind, Luna's irritation fled and she unveiled a small smile. The best she could manage. At the very least, it didn't lack for heart. "Thankyou."
Raven blinked, surprised at the gratitude - possibly because she would never muster up such a feeling herself, if the tables were turned. But whilst Luna hated to be fussed over as well, she understood it not to be an attack. Life was too short to be resentful of things that brought you no harm, but were merely an attempt at aid. Her pride had always been one of her greatest hindrances but Luna had subdued it in the years since her childhood.
She was hardly going to let it make a comeback now.
Eyeing her cautiously - as though she feared this a trick of some kind - Raven returned her attention to her new plate. She was unable to contain a slight wrinkling of her nose, though. "Did you really live off this stuff for years?"
Luna nodded, easing slightly. "Mm. It was a necessity at first and, I confess, like you I wasn't particularly fond of the taste. But now I love it." Or, she had loved it. "Adria was so fussy in the beginning, though. I thought she might starve because she refused to take a bite out of anything we gave her. Derrick and I used to hunt down small animals just for her sake." She shook her head on a smile, remembering the exasperation of those days. "But she grew accustomed to it eventually."
(Luna wished she hadn't. Maybe if Adria had continued in her detestation for all manner of sea life then. . .
But she wouldn't think on what ifs. Not tonight)
In contrast, fish had always been a favorite of Derrick's but, then, he'd grown up on it. His tastebuds had been trained from birth to desire the slippery little creatures.
He'd taught Luna to love them, too.
He'd taught her to love a lot of things.
She hoped she never forgot any of them.
Luna hadn't thought she'd be able to fall asleep that night, not without Derrick's comforting presence beside her, not with the feel of his blood condensing her hands. But with Adria nestled in her arms and Reed cozied up between them, she found her mind drifting, thoughts growing more and more sluggish.
Perhaps. . .
"Luna?"
"Mm?" she hummed, deciding against opening her eyes. Fatigue clawed at her lids, weighing them down. Luna hadn't been this tired since. . .
No, best not to think of that tonight. She would not taint that moment with the darkness that had consumed today. Though the memory was bittersweet, it was one of the few good ones Luna had between her Conclave and forming Floukru.
She couldn't bear to ruin it.
"Are they going to come back?"
It took her a moment to understand what Adria was asking. "The people from the sky?"
"No. The monsters that made Derrick, Krei and Austin hurt us. Are they going to come back?"
-blinding pain as her hair seemed fit to tear from her scalp, nails digging into her skin as she lost the fight against instinct, water bursting into her lungs and-
Luna swallowed, opening her eyes. The darkness retreated. "No. They're not going to come back."
They should never have been here in the first place.
She should never have invited them in.
But how could she have turned them away? Floukru was open to all who wanted peace, barring none.
The Sky People hadn't wanted peace, though.
Luna should have known. She should have known the danger she'd unleashed upon those in her care the second Clarke presented her with the Flame.
She should never have let them out of that shipping container.
But Floukru would not have been Floukru if she hadn't.
"How do you know?"
"Because the thing they want is no longer here." She moved a hand through Adria's hair, lightly grazing her scalp, as the child gazed up at her with unguarded apprehension. "I sent it away with the Sky People. The monsters were afraid that I would use that thing to hurt them. But now they know I won't." God, she hoped so. She really, really hoped so. "But we won't be taking in any more people for a little while. Just to be safe."
Luna had to compromise.
Had to violate the sanctity of her home, the promise it had been built on, if she was to stand any chance of protecting those already inside it.
But only for a short time.
A.L.I.E. would win or she would lose. Either way, she would have no use for Luna after that.
Perhaps it would be better if she left Floukru until that time came. Perhaps it would be safer for her clan.
For Adria.
But no. It would be pointless. A.L.I.E. would not know she had fled the oil rig unless Luna presented herself to her on a silver platter and that she was unwilling to do.
She would never take the Key.
Or the Flame.
She would never be anyone's to use again.
"Because they could be monsters too?"
Luna nodded, thoughts still preoccupied by darker waters.
"How will we know when it's safe?"
She hesitated. "We'll know."
And we'll know if it will never be safe again.
Adria bit her lip and Luna couldn't decipher her feelings on this, whether she believed her or not. "Would Austin really have killed me?"
Luna frowned, wondering whether the truth was advisable. Whether she should really inflict further horror on the little girl in her arms. She'd already endured too much. "Yes," she decided. "But it wouldn't have been Austin who did it. Austin would never have hurt you."
Adria swallowed, nodded. "It was the monster inside him."
"Yes."
Adria didn't understand yet that monsters were just people who had given up on preserving their humanity. In this case, though, the descriptor was accurate. There had been a monster inside Austin and Derrick, a monster not unlike the ones that resided within the Flame.
Spirits who were determined to shape the world and see their will done, no matter how many lives it cost.
Lexa was among them now.
Luna closed her eyes briefly.
Lexa.
Lincoln, Lexa, and Derrick. How had she lost them all in the blink of an eye?
You didn't lose Derrick, you killed him.
Just like you killed your brother.
"Luna?"
She opened her eyes. "Mm?"
The child gazed at her a moment, too studiously, and Luna knew that she'd noticed her starting to slip.
"Will you tell us the story of the sea?" Adria bit her lip. "Reed wants to hear it."
Luna smiled, withholding a chuckle as the boy let out a startled noise at the sound of his name, looking at his 'sister' expectantly. "Are you sure? You've heard it so many times."
But not so many that Luna would ever tire of telling it to her.
The story she'd made just for Adria.
When she was small and frightened in a world so big.
So dark.
Adria nodded, more confident now. "Yes."
"Okay. Come here."
Adria's lips drew up and she shuffled closer, resting her head on Luna's shoulder. The warm weight of her was comforting and she sighed, absorbing the feeling for a moment.
Luna closed her eyes and imagined a world where the darkness couldn't find her. A world where all who she'd loved and lost would wrap her in their arms again.
A world of peace.
And then she blew that world out through her lips, spun it with words into a tale that could ease the heart of the child beside her.
She closed her eyes and thought of the sea.
The one love that could never leave her.
A/N: I just want to thank everyone who leaves reviews. I've been so down and seeing the comments you guys leave has been one of the few things to make me smile so I really appreciate it :)
