A/N: I hope you guys had a good Christmas if you celebrate :) have been struggling with my writing due to worsened health but here's finally a new chapter. It's not the greatest and pretty rough, but hopefully the next one will be better.


Abby's appearance turned out to be entirely unwelcome for another reason - mostly because she came bearing 'gifts'.

"What are those for?" Raven asked, eying the IV bags with unguarded suspicion.

"The loss of fluid. Not strictly necessary in your case," Abby added in her direction, "but it will still be of help. We want you to get better as soon as possible."

Great. More needles.

No-one said the end of the world was going to involve getting poked and prodded to hell and back. She was beginning to feel like a goddamn pincushion.

Luna reached for her jacket, carefully working her arms into it - arms that had just been brushing up against Raven's in a way that had no fucking right to be so goddamn intoxicating.

Curse the fact that stress made her horny.

Like what the fuck kind of biological quirk was that?

And that's all it was. Stress and horniness.

Not Luna.

None of this had anything to do with Luna.

Raven turned her attention back to the IV stands in frustration.

It was hard to miss the fact that Luna's bag was slightly larger than her own. Her cellmate watched its approach with the same brand of resignation that Raven currently possessed.

Right. Luna wasn't all that fond of playing patient either.

Nonetheless, she held out her arm before Abby had even asked, and once again Raven noticed the faint traces of bruising on the top of her hand - though this time the reason for their existence finally clicked. Clearly, Luna was a veteran at this.

Something else she had neglected to share.

For someone who was way too fucking open the majority of the time, there was a hell of a lot she still kept under wraps.

Raven tried not to be annoyed. Mostly because she'd wanted Luna to keep things to herself. To protect herself.

This is what you wanted.

(only, deep down, she knew it wasn't

Knew that there was an unbearably selfish part of her that hungered for everything she shouldn't.

Hopefully, one day, she'd find a way to kill that part)

"You didn't come by this morning," Abby commented, a distinct note of scolding in her tone as she inserted the needle. Raven winced. That would be her soon.

Maybe if she made a run for it while the doc was distracted. . .

"I forgot." The touch of regret in Luna's voice suggested that this wasn't just a convenient excuse but the truth. And Raven remembered what she'd confessed about her difficulties with short-term memory lately. Prepared herself to rise to Luna's defense if the scolding continued.

Abby pursed her lips but said nothing further, even if it was clear from her expression that she doubted the explanation. Finishing up, she turned to Raven-

who promptly shrank back against the wall. "You know, I'm feeling pretty okay. Don't really need all that."

"I've had to listen to John complaining for the last half hour about just how much vomit he's had to take care of today." Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. Raven's heart bled for him. "Your blood pressure is low and you're showing clear signs of dehydration. How much water have you managed to keep down?"

Well . . .

"Enough."

"Less than a glass."

Raven shot a glare over Abby's shoulder. Luna gazed back at her serenely, utterly unrepentant.

Snitch.

"Raven, it's not just the infection we need to worry about. If your body endures too much stress, it might bring on another seizure. Do you want that to happen?"

Not particularly.

She glanced across at Luna again, whose eyes had darkened with concern - a concern that was hastily tucked away the instant she caught her looking.

Raven felt some concern too. Though for an entirely different reason.

If she had another seizure, she wouldn't be able to keep an eye on Luna. If she needed her, Raven wouldn't be there. She'd be utterly useless.

Sighing, she raised her hand. "Fine. Hit me up."

Abby smiled, seeming way too pleased about the prospect of jabbing people with pointy shit for Raven's tastes.

She winced as the needle went in, deciding that she far preferred getting them in the arm. Luna sent her a sympathetic smile, which Raven thought was a little gutsy of her - considering she'd been the one to dob her in.

Abby glanced over her shoulder at her other victim. "I'll recheck your blood pressure in a few hours. If it hasn't improved enough, we'll give you some more fluids."

"But not me?" Raven interjected hopefully.

The doctor eyed her with some amusement. "I think you'll be fine. But I'll check to be sure."

Damn.

Perhaps she shouldn't have said anything?


'Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark
Show me the places where the others gave you scars. . .

The more that you say
The less I know
Wherever you stray
I follow.'

- Willow by Taylor Swift


Raven winced, reflexively kneading her temple. The action was so automatic, so instinctive, that she didn't realize what she was doing until she dropped her hand and opened her eyes again - only to find Luna's staring back at her.

Raven couldn't read her expression. But she didn't need to in order to know that she was concerned.

"Headache?"

"Only a small one."

At least, when comparing to the size of Mount Everest.

Luna frowned. Then rose abruptly, heading over to the door.

Raven's eyes widened. Fuck, was she going to get Abby? "Where are you going?"

"Nowhere. Don't sound so alarmed - at the moment, I can barely even make it to the bathroom across the hall."

She. . . wasn't wrong.

She also wasn't being in any way reassuring. There was nothing reassuring about the fact that Luna was currently a great deal weaker than her.

A fact she was trying really hard not to think about.

Raven watched as she started fiddling with the panel next to the door. "Trying to lock us in then?"

"Only if there's a mechanism to ensure the door can't be opened from the outside."

She raised a brow. "Finally get sick of Murphy?"

"No. But I wouldn't mind having longer than an hour between checkups." Luna's tone was light, but Raven thought she could detect some truth in it. She definitely wasn't comfortable being a patient. Was perhaps even less comfortable being Abby's patient.

"Well, I do know a way to do that, but I'd rather not lock all the doctors out of this room in case your fever decides to get in a competition with the sun to see which is hotter."

If that ended up happening, Raven would be panicking too much to be of any assistance.

"I suppose we could use their help in that scenario," Luna said blandly.

"Very likely."

She smiled faintly, still fiddling with the panel. A moment later, the lights in the room started to dim, growing darker and darker, until there was only just enough illumination to make out Luna's face, cast in shadows.

"What-"

"In my experience, lights rarely help with a headache. And this lab is lit up brighter than Polis during the Ceremony of Life."

"The Ceremony of What?"

"Just a celebration." She couldn't make out Luna's expression, face hidden from view as she turned to make her way back to her bed. "A very lively one. Is that better?"

Raven opened her mouth-

Closed it upon realizing that the stabbing in her temple had reduced to an insistent ache. "Um. Yeah, actually."

Luna smiled - brighter than the lights she'd just cast out - and took a seat. "Good. You don't need a headache on top of everything else."

Very true. If only the universe would deign to agree with her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Alright," Luna responded absently, readjusting her pillow - which was unfortunate because it meant that Raven couldn't see her eyes and gain at least some insight into just how truthful she was being. "The extra fluids have helped, I think. Even if I'd rather not need them."

Apparently you've been needing them quite a lot.

But no. Raven wasn't going to bring that up now. Wasn't going to let her feelings - all of them completely unfair - ruin a relatively peaceful moment.

She watched as Luna touched her stomach, expression growing tense a moment, before returning to her fiddling. The pillow had been well and truly adjusted by now but she continued nonetheless. It was a tell. An unusually obvious one and Raven suspected that her earlier words had only held the slightest grain of truth in them.

She wasn't fine.

And Raven was powerless to do anything. Unlike Luna, there were no lights she could switch off in order to help. Ease her pain.

And given that it had only been a few minutes since Abby had left, she doubted that the fluids had made as much of a difference as she claimed.

"You should get some sleep."

Luna shook her head. "Not just yet."

Raven wondered what she had against sleep. Because she was definitely beginning to suspect that Luna was avoiding it. Which was her thing. Raven had already trademarked that shit years ago.

"If you want to try, though, please go ahead. I can be quiet."

Of that, Raven had no doubt. She'd gotten a few minor heart attacks over the last couple of weeks whenever Luna had appeared with no warning - seemingly out of thin air. It was possible she'd been a cat in a past life. "Nah, I'm good."

Luna left her pillows to rest at last, brow furrowing as she turned to watch the door.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I'm just wondering whether John is okay. There can't be much to entertain him out there."

Raven rolled her eyes.

"He's fine. He's got a tablet and his little pet robot to keep him happy. Not to mention Emori is probably there wasting her far superior breath on him," she said, before Luna could suggest something batshit insane like inviting him in for tea and biscuits.

"You could be right," She hummed. "About the first part, anyway."

"Oh, I am. About both parts."

Luna's mouth twitched a moment - and Raven decided to take her lack of rebuke as agreement.

"And I suppose he probably wouldn't prefer to be cooped up in here instead. I doubt we'd make the best company. . . at least if he's out there he only has to deal with vomit when it comes to clean up."

So she had been thinking about inviting him in. Thank God Raven had acted quickly to dodge that bullet. "Oh, definitely. Guy's having the time of his life, mark my words. One hundred percent good right where he is."

Luna's mouth drew up, eyes still trained on the door. "Raven?"

"Mm?"

"You're entirely transparent."

God, I hope not. Otherwise I'm in deeper shit than I thought.

If Raven was transparent, then any hopes she had of concealing her not-crush from Luna were well and truly drowned.

"But I won't invite John in," she added, turning back to her. "For your sake."

"Much appreciate it."

"Well, I don't want to make this illness any more of an ordeal for you than it already is." Luna's tone was light, her eyes teasing - but Raven thought she detected something else there as well. Something not so light. Guilt, maybe?

She didn't know. Couldn't tell.

And so she couldn't call her on it.

"Murphy would most definitely do that."

Luna hummed again, sparing the door a final lingering look before turning away. "Do you have any tattoos?"

Raven blinked at the non sequitur. "Why?"

She smiled a little to herself - it was decidedly untrustworthy. "Well, I showed you mine. It seems only fair that you show me yours."

Raven blanched. "Um, no. Nope. No tattoos here. Tattoo free."

What was not free was her brain, which was currently caught in a lustful trap, racing through a dizzying amount of scenarios and sensations: Luna's hand on her back, running down her spine, following the same path Raven's just had. . .

A chuckle from across the room broke the fantasy. "That's a shame."

In more ways than one.

She narrowed her eyes at the smirk on Luna's face; had a sense that she was enjoying her discomfort just a little too much. "How'd you get the scar?"

Oh.

Oh, wait no. She hadn't meant to ask that.

She was used to deflecting by targeting other people's vulnerabilities, bringing up things that made them uncomfortable. Things that hurt. But that wasn't a technique she wanted to use on Luna.

Shit.

"The scar?"

Welp, too late now.

"On your back. Near your-" Raven reached behind her, patting her spine.

"Oh." If Luna was upset by the invasive nature of the question it didn't show, but the humor had gone from her face. "Just an incident when I was a child. I wasn't being careful enough. Got into trouble."

"In training?"

Luna shook her head, gaze wandering to one of Raven's arms for a moment, before moving on. She'd seen the question in her eyes, though, just for the briefest moment. A moment too long. Raven shifted uncomfortably, certain she could feel the brands A.L.I.E. had left behind almost burning.

Not something she wanted to talk about right now. Or ever.

Hopefully her rude little misstep hadn't opened up the door to an interrogation about her own scars.

"No," Luna answered at last. "We rarely got hurt badly enough in training to leave a scar. Not never, but rarely." Raven couldn't help being relieved by this. Thank God for small mercies. "But I was talented enough to find trouble in other places." The humor had returned to Luna's voice, though the smile failed to entirely reach her eyes.

"Other places?"

"Mm. You'd be surprised at how much trouble a young natblida in Polis can get into. And I happened to be better at it than most."

Raven's curiosity sparked, questions flooding her brain, but the memory of the scar held her back. She hesitated.

"It looks like this particular trouble hurt."

A lot.

Luna's smile was a mix of wry and rueful. "Mmm. I'd say it looks more painful than it is but it's one of those injuries that tends to be more painful than it looks. Is designed to be."

Raven stared at the bluntness. "Sorry."

Something in Luna's gaze shuttered, smile fading along with her voice. "Don't be. The person who gave it to me suffered worse."

Raven didn't particularly know what to do with that. Personally, she felt a flicker of satisfaction at the knowledge that whoever had hurt Luna had got what was coming to them - but it was quickly dampened by the fact that her satisfaction didn't seem to be shared. The opposite, really.

Luna seemed more unhappy about this act of recompense than she did the scar. There was a shadow in her gaze, something that might have been guilt. Or a similar creature.

And she really didn't know what to make of that. Except-

"Your brother?"

Raven could remember the story about the scars on Luna's ribs. Two of them, anyway. Felt her stomach turn at the memory.

She imagined there were probably many injuries that Luna could lay at the feet of her brother. And that the reverse was true as well.

It was disgusting, what the Fleimkepas had done. The things they'd put those kids through. The warped nature of their 'teachings'.

Unforgivable.

Luna shook her head, though didn't seem to mind the question - intrusive as it was. "No."

Well, there goes that theory.

"Who?"

Stop asking questions. God, Raven would hate it if the roles were reversed. If she was the one being interrogated like this.

But Luna didn't seem to mind.

Raven knew better than to take that at face value, though. She was nothing if not a master at hiding what she was really feeling.

"In truth, I couldn't tell you. I never even saw their face." She tilted her head to the side, thoughtful. "I've always thought that should make it easier. It doesn't. . . I have so many faces to remember. To dream about. I want to remember. To give them that."

"But you can't remember this one."

"No." And there was that shadow of guilt again, faint but still visible. "It's strange how you can know someone for years without ever knowing their face or name. But I suppose that means you don't actually know them at all. They're a stranger. Less than. . . they might as well not exist at all. At least to you."

Certainly seems like they exist to you.

Raven would be lying if she said she understood exactly what they were talking about. That she had no trouble following Luna's train of thought. But she didn't need to know, either. That wasn't the point.

Didn't need to know in order to listen.

And to. . . offer something back.

Raven hesitated. "I have a scar on my back as well."

Luna's gaze turned intrigued, though she didn't push for details.

She was good like that.

Raven shrugged, before belatedly adding on, "From when I was shot."

Luna's mouth turned down slightly at the corners, just for the briefest of moments - the only indication of what she was feeling. "Does it hurt?"

She blinked. No-one had ever asked that before. "Um, yeah actually. Sometimes."

A part of Raven was convinced it was all in her head. Her mind playing tricks on her. Torturing her with reminders of the past.

Luna smiled sadly. "Mine too. Sometimes. It happens."

"Oh."

"The past likes to linger. To be felt."

"It does at that," Raven grunted, instinctively massaging her hip. It would be much appreciated if the past could well and truly fuck off.

Luna watched her, gaze unsettlingly heavy, and she didn't know what to say to ease the weight. To break the dark spell that seemed to have fallen on her. "I don't really mind the pain. Not when it comes to this. At least I'm alive to feel it. . . And when I was younger, I used to think I deserved to feel it."

Raven couldn't keep her mouth from parting, the disbelief from touching her face. Luna's own mouth twitched when she saw it.

Like she'd amused her.

Or, no. That wasn't quite right. Not amused. But. . . something. Something Raven couldn't piece together to define.

Either way, it irritated her.

Fuck that.

Luna was intelligent - possibly one of the most intelligent people she'd ever met. Certainly the wisest. So Raven rather resented the fact that she'd suddenly gone and decided to start talking nonsense.

"You don't still think that now, though. Right?"

Luna was silent for a long time. "I don't know what I think anymore. What I feel. Everything is so. . . " she made a vague twisting gesture with her hand. "Part of me is in the past, part of me is in the present. And here I am, existing some place in between. It's. . . confusing."

That was one word for it. Raven could think of stronger ones.

"You don't."

Luna looked at her.

"Deserve it."

She held her gaze, eyes softening - a touch of apology within. "I don't think that's something you or I get to decide"

Raven wanted to argue. Wished she could. Would have if only sometimes she hadn't felt the same way about her leg. In her lowest moments, it had seemed like some twisted form of recompense for her role in everything that had happened to Finn. Everything he'd done. The lives that had been lost. His life. All because she'd saved her own.

After selfishly risking it in the first place.

And then there was her mum. All the ways she'd tried to save her. All the ways she never could. Raven had tried to save her. And she'd failed just as decisively as she had with Finn.

Sinclair would disagree. But Sinclair was dead.

Also because of her.

('You think you deserve this pain, that this is your cross to bear for your mom or Finn, for all you've been through. It's not.')

Raven swallowed.

She wondered if this was the universe's idea of a joke. Having this conversation. To place her in the same position Sinclair had been in that day. She wanted to deny what Luna said. Deny it emphatically, without question. But if she did, she'd be a hypocrite. And as much as Raven didn't so much mind donning that mantle for a good cause, she suspected Luna would see straight through her.

(she always did)

"I made a mistake, Raven," Luna continued, voice low. "And someone else paid the price."

The emotion in her eyes was too raw, too. . . familiar.

Raven had to look away, hands clenching on her lap as the last remnants of her irritation collapsed. "Yeah. I know what that's like."

She tried not to remember the sensation of weightlessness, the feeling of all-consuming darkness surrounding her, cradling her.

The blaring of an alarm in her ears.

Finn pulling on a space suit that wasn't his.

('Take off the suit. Take it off and give it to me.')

When she turned back around, Luna was watching her closely. Not speaking. Just. . . watching.

It was disconcerting.

"In truth, I've made a lot of mistakes," Luna murmured, mercifully not drawing attention to whatever it was she saw on her face. "And a lot of people have paid for them."

Raven knew she was talking about A.L.I.E. About the radiation sickness. Her brother. Possibly far more.

"I think you've paid for them too," she said softly. "And. . . if we're being honest, they were somebody else's mistakes first."

They were the ones who'd brought A.L.I.E. into Floukru, endangering the peace that Luna had worked so hard to build. Becca was the one who'd invented an A.I. that would eventually go nuclear on the entire planet, dooming generations to come. And the Fleimkepas were the ones who'd decided that Luna would have to kill her brother that day - if she was to have any hope of seeing the next.

The mistakes Luna had made. . . hadn't entirely been hers to make.

Raven couldn't fall back on that excuse for Finn. She'd made a choice that was completely her own, knowing the risks. And he'd paid the price.

Except the only reason there was a price to pay in the first place was because of Becca. Because of a Nuclear Apocolypse that sentenced you all to living in a metal tin can in space that wasn't built for that. Wasn't built to sustain an entire population for nearly a century and counting.

Raven pushed those thoughts aside, refusing to grasp onto the defense they offered.

When she refocused on Luna's face, she could see that same resistance reflected back at her - the reluctance, no refusal to grasp onto anything that might offer absolution. A way to forgiveness.

It was strange since, from some of their conversations, Raven had gotten the impression that she did forgive herself. For her brother, at least. Or she had.

Maybe not so much anymore.

"Maybe," Luna decided, voice still low, the words coming slowly. "But that doesn't really make it any easier to live with, does it?"

No. It didn't.

Raven swallowed, picking at the fabric of her pants as she looked down. "Honestly, if we really want to go there, I don't think people ever really get what they deserve. Good. Bad. I don't think they get it. I think shit just happens. And then we add meaning to it."

To believe otherwise would be to believe that she'd done something to deserve the shit she'd gone through as a kid. To deserve the hell she'd been born into.

And Raven didn't think she could believe that and still get through the day. Every day.

"As. . . cold a thought as that is, I think I'd have to agree." There was a beat. "I can't think of a single thing that Adria could have done to deserve all the things that happened to her. Or that Derrick could have done. They were two of the best people I knew. And the world laid waste to them just as easily as any other. . . If there is a sense to the universe, a justice, then I don't think it knows where to find us. If it ever did."

Raven looked up, peering at Luna, noting the exhaustion in her features, threaded with grief. Defeat, even. "Do you want there to be a sense? A justice?"

Her mouth turned up wryly. "Honestly, I'm not sure I could cope if there was. If there is a sense, a justice. . . then the logical conclusion is that what happened to Adria and Derrick wasn't about them at all. It was about me. The things I did."

"What, you think losing them was some form of punishment?" Raven's mouth twisted with distaste for the theory.

"I try not to. Try not to think that - but sometimes. . ." She closed her eyes a moment before opening them, the brief storm of emotion Raven had glimpsed there tucked away once more. "Most of the time, though, I think I just lost them. Ruthlessly. Senselessly. Without any meaning. . . that's what loss is. What death is." Luna lifted a shoulder. "But it would be hard to keep thinking that if I knew for certain the universe operated differently than it does. Knew there was a sense."

Raven frowned, thoughts again straying back to Finn. Her Mum. She'd spent her entire life feeling like she was being punished for something - hard not to when for most of your life, the woman who'd birthed you into existence was punishing you, even if you didn't always know the reason. If there was a sense to the universe, a justice, then that feeling would no longer just be a feeling. It would be a fact.

"Yeah. I don't think I could cope, either."

Luna smiled sadly. Her hand twitched at her side, like she was thinking of reaching out. Across the cavernous space between them.

But she didn't.

"Then I suppose it's a good thing we don't have to."


A/N: Also going to apologise in advance for this chapter. The chapters before this one and the majority of chapters after it (about 10-20) I wrote the drafts for last year or the year before. This chapter however was a last minute addition that I decided to squeeze in a couple of months ago. So it hadn't received nearly as much proofreading and fine tuning.