Trigger Warning: reference to past self-harm; reference to past disordered eating (not an eating disorder but still might be triggering); some pretty bad self-harm stigma (that obviously does not reflect my own views); past child abuse


The IVs proved wholly necessary.

At least in Luna's case.

Shortly after their conversation had dried up, she was bent over the bucket again. Heaving. Raven wasn't entirely sure how her body was managing it. Surely there was nothing left in there by now?

She certainly hadn't eaten since they'd arrived in the room. Raven had nibbled half-heartedly at some crackers but any attempts to do the same had only sent Luna rushing to the bucket yet again.

Thankfully, the human body could survive a long time without food. It just wasn't all that pleasant.

A concept Luna was as intimately familiar with as her.

Raven hadn't forgotten that story about the rabbit. Would never forget it.

It was fucked up that anyone would think that starvation was a viable teaching method. But the Flame Keepers seemed to have a lot of fucked up ideas - about everything. It was a relief Luna had gotten free of their tenterhooks years ago. That they no longer had any influence over their former charge's life.

Awkwardly, Raven rose from the bed, making her way over to Luna. She reluctantly dragged the IV stand along, like the world's most cumbersome extra limb.

She'd helped Raven out during her own vomiting bouts. It was only fair that she return the favor.

Carefully, she wrapped her hands around Luna's hair, sweeping it back, away from danger. The strands were thick and tangled, not nearly as soft as she'd imagined, more greasy than anything - all factors that made it possible not to completely lose her shit at the reality of what she was doing. Gripping it in one fist, Raven moved a hand over her back, rubbing rhythmically. As Luna had done for her.

It wasn't an entirely foreign gesture. Raven had helped Finn like this once as well.

But she wouldn't think about that.

On the bright side, touching Luna's back was a hell of a lot easier when she actually had all her clothes on. Plus, the jacket was relatively thick and added an extra layer of protection. Despite how often the thing had gotten on Raven's nerves, she found herself grateful for it now.

You and I might just become reluctant allies, pal.

"Thankyou," Luna gasped, shakily straightening up. The bucket trembled in her hands. "I think that's it."

Raven ignored the thanks, reaching for a tissue and handing it to her.

She accepted it with a weak smile, wiping her face.

Raven wished it was enough to put her attraction in the grave. That her heart didn't still flutter at the sight of Luna's smile, despite a stray fleck of vomit that the tissue soon brushed away.

I have lost my mind.

It was the only explanation.

There was nothing attractive about this.

Nothing that should make her stomach squirm as warmth built steadily in her chest.

(nothing but Luna's smile)

"Feel okay to lie back down?"

She nodded, inching back across the bed. Before Raven could think better of it, she reached out, helping to support her weight and guide her down.

Luna's smile grew. "I'm alright, Raven."

"Yep." Still, she let her hands do their thing, ensuring that Luna was in a comfortable position and that her pillows were appropriately fluffed.

If you're gonna do a job, do it right.

This seemed to amuse Luna, who watched her through heavily lidded eyes that held just a tad too much tenderness.

Best to step away now.

"You're good at this," she murmured.

Not really. Raven was awkward as hell. But she did have the practice. "I did it for someone else once."

Luna seemed to know better than to ask who.

She was mercifully perceptive like that.

Raven grabbed the bucket, mouth curving up. Murphy Torture Time again.

Her favorite time.

"Murphy!"

"Fuck off!"

Raven watched as Luna closed her eyes, lips rising faintly as she listened to the ensuing battle of words.

Yeah.

Definitely her favorite time.


Luna's eyes followed the dying smoke as it climbed into the night sky, blocking out the moon, casting the surroundings into further darkness. She stared at its source, the crumbling remains of pyres. Transfixed.

The sight held her hostage. Refused to let her go.

Luna's clan was ash now.

Adria was ash.

Adria-

The sound of footsteps crept into her awareness. She didn't turn. Didn't so much as blink. It could have been an approaching attack and she wouldn't have moved. Couldn't have.

(a part of Luna hoped it was.

At least then this might finally come to an end)

"You've been out here for hours. Come inside."

Nyko.

He was still here.

Thank God he was still here.

That someone was.

"Luna?"

Her eyes stayed fixed to the pyres. ". . . I can't."

She couldn't leave them.

Leave her.

Not like she'd left Sol.

Left his body in the wet and the cold, steadily bleeding out long after the last breath had left him.

She'd ran from her Conclave but she'd also ran from him.

To this day, Luna couldn't be sure which had triggered her feet into motion first: horror at the thought of more killing, more death; or the inability to look another moment on what she'd done. What she hadn't done.

Luna could have given her life for her brother's that day. Sacrificed herself.

But she hadn't. Hadn't been willing to. Had instead chosen herself, her own survival over her love for her twin. Her other half. The boy who was as much a part of her soul as she was.

Luna had chosen to tear that soul in half and set fire to the remains, saving only what parts of it were entirely her own.

She'd chosen herself.

But Adria. . . Adria she would have sacrificed her life for without a second's hesitation. Luna would have died a thousand deaths if only she could live.

But she hadn't been given the choice.

Not this time.

Proof of just how cruel the universe could be.

Or perhaps this wasn't cruelty but recompense. Punishment for what she'd done.

Killing her brother. Choosing her own life. Her own future.

The ultimate price for her selfishness.

Whatever the case, Adria was dead. They all were.

And Luna was not.

And just like after her Conclave, there was no relief in the fact. No blessing.

Was this the deal she'd made with the spirits? That day when she was thirteen. Had she traded the lives of everyone she loved, just so she could live?

Because Luna could see no other explanation for where she found herself now.

Sole survivor.

Again.

Ten years ago, she'd had her chance to be something else, something more and she hadn't taken it.

Clearly the universe found her undeserving of another.

A heavy hand landed on Luna's shoulder. She felt the edges of rough fingers on her skin before the sensation disappeared from her senses, into the darkness. It was so hard to feel. "You are freezing."

Was she?

Perhaps she was. Luna did sense a cold. Right to her core. To her heart.

"Come inside, Little Moon."

Little.

Adria's pyre looked so small. So lonely.

"She hates to be alone."

How could Luna leave her?

Leave the child who had clung so desperately to her when they first met, when Luna had pulled her from the blood and the darkness. Leave those hands that had fisted around her jacket, gripping with all the strength they still possessed. It had been hours before they'd loosened. But even then they'd stayed on her body, desperate for the reassurance of contact, of safety.

Luna had known then, in her heart, that she could never let this child go.

('Don't disappear. Don't go anywhere without me.')

Now she had no choice.

There's always a choice.

The footsteps sounded again. Disappearing this time.

Something cried out inside her and she almost whirled around. Luna couldn't leave. But she didn't want Nyko to go either. She nearly turned. Nearly followed his departure.

But she couldn't look away.

('I won't.')

After a time, the footsteps returned. Luna blinked as something rough and heavy was loaded onto her shoulders. A blanket. Nyko drew the length of it around her until she was cocooned. Some of the cold disappeared.

But it wasn't enough.

"If you cannot leave, then I will stay."

Her chest rose and fell, steadier than before. She closed her eyes for the briefest of moments. "Nyko. . ."

No thanks could be enough.

"I know." A large form settled beside her and Luna's breath fell free as an arm wound around her shoulders, drawing her in. Eyes still fastened to the pyre, Luna faded into the embrace, hands coming up to grasp his shirt, just as she'd done as a child in the wake of another nightmare. Nyko's heart thumped steadily under her ear, so familiar, and she felt each one of his inhalations with relief - the proof that someone she loved still lived. "I will stay."

Luna didn't ask for how long.

Some questions should never be uttered.

('Promise?')

Some answers could break you.

('I promise.')


With Murphy's grumbling ass gone for the time being, Raven settled back down on her bed, mindful of the tubing that had so irritatingly become attached to her.

Luna had gone quiet in the last few minutes, eyes still closed as she breathed in and out.

Raven didn't know if she was resting or meditating, only that she didn't look anywhere near at peace.

Reaching for the ointment, she decided to apply a little more. There wasn't all that much left but the itch was growing harder and harder to ignore.

"Fun day," Raven muttered under her breath, rubbing her furious skin.

She was never going near a river again.

She didn't care if someone held a gun to her head. It wasn't happening.

No-one in the world's gonna convince me to-

Luna's voice startled her.

"I remember when I was five, half The Tower got sick from contaminated food."

Raven looked up. Luna's eyes were open now, but they were set on the ceiling. Not on her.

(she tried not to be disappointed by the fact)

"I was ill for over a week. On the third day, I vomited all over my bed. Just. . ." she gestured with her hand, "everywhere. I was so scared."

Raven frowned. "Scared?"

"Mm." Luna shifted, rolling onto her side so they were facing. Her eyes were light - though something told Raven this wasn't going to be a light story. "I thought I'd be punished for making a mess. I didn't understand at the time that I couldn't help it, that it wasn't my fault, only that I'd ruined my sheets. And I didn't have the strength to clean them. I didn't even know how to clean them. That was a job for others. Not a novitiate."

Raven ignored the turning in her gut, past shadows latching onto the familiarity of the scene Luna painted.

"So what did you do?"

She smiled ruefully. "I broke down in tears. Just started wailing. Not even Sol could get me to stop." Raven blinked. It wasn't the answer she'd expected. "Nyko was in the dorm, tending to us. His presence only terrified me further. But then something unexpected happened."

"What?"

"He smiled at me. Told me that everything would be okay." Luna's lips drew up. "And then he lifted me off the bed and cradled me like a child - it never occurred to me, not even then, that that's what I was. I can't remember anyone ever treating me like a child. But Nyko. . ." Luna's eyes trailed away a moment, whilst Raven's were drawn to her fingers, picking at the skin on her hand, where a glove would normally reside. "He sat down on a chair and he just. . . held me. For minutes. Hours. I have no idea. I felt so warm. And protected. No adult had ever hugged me before. Held me. Not since I was a baby, when it was necessity." That earlier light returned to her eyes. "But I could always rely on Nyko to hold me after that."

Raven's heart twisted in a conflicting mess of aching sympathy and stinging envy. She hated that Luna had been forced to rely on a healer who was rarely ever present for comfort, to treat her the way an adult should treat a child.

The way a parent should.

But at the same time, Raven wished that she'd had a Nyko. Or someone. Anyone. Because at the end of the day, she'd had nothing.

No-one.

No-one until Finn.

And Finn was great, Finn had brought light into her childhood, but he was still just a kid.

And there were times Raven had needed more than someone her own age could provide.

She shoved that envy aside, shame coating its presence, and refocused on Luna.

Her smile had weakened now, her gaze dropping to the covers. "He held me when Adria died as well. And after." Raven could remember. Didn't think she'd ever forget that sight. The guilt it had stirred in her. "I'm not a child anymore, I'm not even sure I ever was to begin with, but I find myself missing him more than ever right now. Being sick again. . ."

Raven didn't know what to say. All she wanted in that moment was to run from the grief she saw in Luna's eyes - but she bit her tongue, forcing herself to stay still. Some things weren't about her.

(most things, actually, in her experience)

"I'm sorry."

She thought about offering to hold Luna herself, to hug her, but she wasn't that brave.

Had never been that brave.

Luna smiled at her briefly in acknowledgment but said nothing. She seemed too exhausted to respond with words. Or perhaps there were no words to give. None worth saying.

Meanwhile, Raven's stomach was turning.

She had a similar memory from her own childhood. Only it hadn't ended nearly so well. Her sheets had also become stricken with vomit one morning and she, too, had been deathly afraid of what punishment she might face for her crime. But there'd been no hug for her. No offers of reassurance.

Instead the punishment had come.

Her mother, equally sick and more than a little bit inebriated, had taken one look at the mess and exploded with rage. With shouts. Hurling recrimination after recrimination at her. Raven had been too terrified to cry. Even when the slap came.

Afterwards, she'd heaved herself out of bed, limbs shaking, strength failing, and set about cleaning up all evidence of her mistake.

The next day, her mother had wrapped her in her arms and apologized, tears leaking into Raven's hair. The worst part . . . was that she'd been so grateful for that hug at the time. It seemed every bit worth the slap that had come before it.

Some days, it still did.

"Raven?"

The gentle call made her flinch and she refocused to see Luna watching her, eyes thick with concern.

Raven forced a smile, wishing she could shake the icky feeling discarded by the memory. "Sorry, just feeling a little spacey. Must be all the puking."

The concern in those eyes didn't ease and she suspected Luna was unswayed by the lie, but she nodded nonetheless, smiling small. "Okay. Would you like me to leave so you can rest? I can't guarantee that I won't start vomiting again and there are plenty of other rooms for me to lie down in."

"No," the word escaped Raven a little too sharply but she couldn't imagine anything worse right now than being left alone with her own thoughts. "I mean, I like talking to you. It's distracting."

True enough.

That smile turned wry. "And we could both use a little distraction." Luna sighed, falling back against her pillows with a little more thwump than necessary. "I do hate being sick."

Raven snorted. "You're preaching to the choir."

Her lips drew up again. "That's such an odd phrase. We don't even have choirs anymore and my people use it too."

"Yeah, neither do we." Strange that. "Language is weird."

Luna chuckled. "It is. But that's one of the reasons why I love it."

Yeah, that tracked. She'd long since begun to suspect that Luna had a soft spot for the weird. Why else would she like Murphy?

Raven studied the line of her smile, small as it was, examining its every curve and edge. For no other reason than that it was distracting.

None at all.

"You know, I didn't so much mind being sick as a child - though I did find it impossible to stay still," Luna's words split apart that smile - an unfortunate side effect of having to move your mouth to speak - but it wasn't too much of a loss. Her voice was equally distracting. "But it usually meant I got to see Nyko. He only ever visited when we were in need of healing or during ceremonies." She rolled her eyes then. "I actually made a deliberate mistake during training once. Moved in front of a blade. Just so they'd call for him. Most of my injuries from training were superficial, unworthy of Nyko's expert aid. I needed something with a bit more heft to it."

Raven frowned.

Luna seemed amused by the story. Raven was most definitely not.

"That's kind of drastic."

The amusement faded, her smile drawing down - Raven immediately regretted the words. "It was. But I was so used to getting hurt that it only made sense that I should reap some benefit from it for once."

Raven clenched her jaw, had to look away. Just for a moment.

Couldn't chance the risk that Luna's eyes might wander to her face again. Might see any hint of the feeling her words had just yanked forth.

Once, when she was little, no older than six, Raven had seen a kid fall down in the hallway. She'd stared, transfixed, as his mother had rushed towards him even before the tears had started to flow - no prompting necessary. How she'd fussed over the barely visible mark on his knee before kissing his face and pulling him into a hug.

Later that night, Raven had burnt herself on their heater. A little by accident, but mostly on purpose.

Her mother hadn't even noticed.

It was one of her greatest sources of shame:

that she'd sunk that low in search of another person's attention. Another person's love.

It was weak and pathetic - not something she'd ever let herself be again.

When she looked back at Luna, though, she saw nothing of shame in her profile, just that same wryness, weighted and heavy with the past. But then, there was a difference between allowing something to happen to you and making it happen.

Luna had let someone hurt her.

Raven had done the hurting.

Only the once. Never again. But still she flushed to think about it, felt the heat of humiliation in her cheeks. Thankfully, it wasn't something that anyone knew about but her. Not even Finn.

Thankfully, no-one knew how pathetic she'd once been.

Once.

But never again.

Raven shifted on the bed in an attempt to take some of the pressure off her hip, to relieve the ache that evolved into a sharp, searing burn.

It didn't work.

Luna turned over to face her - the dark of her eyes proving to be a far more powerful distraction. "Novitiates don't often possess the healthiest of mindsets, though we learn quickly how to present otherwise. Lexa used to fast for a day every time she made a mistake in training. As she got older, it grew into days. Once, she lasted a week. She thought the self-punishment would make her stronger. That denying herself what she wanted most would build fortitude." Luna's mouth thinned. "It didn't."

For a moment, she almost felt sorry for Lexa. And then Raven shifted again, her hip screaming out, and the feeling was gone.

"All it did was make her weak. And I told her as much. I told her that the less she ate, the weaker she became, the more likely she was to make stupid mistakes in training. And then I knocked her flat on her back to prove the point."

Raven's eyebrow drew up.

"Huh. Bet she loved that." She certainly would have loved to see it.

(ignored the part of her that had felt a stirring of sympathy for the Commander she loathed)

Luna smirked. "Oh, she was livid. But she didn't fast again after that." She sighed, shifting onto her back once more and closing her eyes. "I'm afraid, though, that she found other things in life to deny herself. Love being chief among them. But not when I knew her."

Raven could clearly see the fatigue in her expression now, was feeling more than a little of it herself. She almost hadn't been able to believe her good fortune, waking up this morning to find that she'd actually managed to get more than a wink of sleep. And for the second night in a row. Now, she knew why.

She'd much prefer not to get some weird ass bacterial infection just to achieve more than a few hours of sleep, though. Especially since Raven doubted she'd be getting any at all for the next day or so, if her constant trips to the bathroom were anything to go by.

Luna, on the other hand, looked about ready to nod off.

Resolving to attempt silence in order to give her cellmate some much-needed rest, Raven closed her eyes. Even if she couldn't sleep, a reprieve from the blistering artificial light was more than welcome. It was worse than the fucking Ark.

She'd turned the lights back up when Luna first rushed for the bucket - spilling your guts out in a poorly lit setting seemed like a recipe for disaster - and had forgotten to turn them down again. Raven oscillated a moment between dragging her ass out of bed and over to the control panel, or making do with the handy little sunshades naturally built into her skull.

The heavy ache in her limbs ultimately made the decision for her.

Throwing an arm over her face to further block out the glare, Raven exhaled. Yeah. A little rest would be nice.

Luna didn't let her linger in the darkness for long.

"I think that's why I went to him. After my Conclave," she murmured.

Raven opened her eyes, frowning as she tried to trace the thread of conversation. What did knocking Lexa on her ass have to do with Luna's Conclave?

Had Raven actually fallen asleep and missed something?

"What?"

"Nyko. I think that's why I went to him after my Conclave. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, can't even remember it really but. . . I can remember a feeling. A need." Luna traced the back of her hand. "I wanted someone to hold me. And Nyko always did. Nyko was always kind."

Oh.

Raven thought back to when Finn had died. How the moment she saw that knife in Clarke's hand, the lifeless slump of his head, it had felt like her insides were being torn out. She was screaming them out.

Bellamy's arms had been the only thing holding her together at the time, the only thing keeping everything inside her from spilling out into the night.

She'd had someone to hold her.

Raven wondered for how long after her brother's death Luna had waited to recieve the same.

"How long were you alone for?"

"Days. Until the Conclave was over." Luna must have read the horror on her face, "It's alright, Raven. Like I said, I don't remember it. Not really. It's a . . . black space." She tilted her head. "I do remember being cold. I think it must have rained."

Raven tried to imagine it. Being thirteen-years-old, fleeing a ritual in which she'd just killed her twin, likely in shock, and hiding. In the rain. In the cold.

Alone.

"I'm glad you had Nyko." Any envy that had once stirred inside Raven had been violently stolen from her gut sentences ago.

Luna smiled sadly. "Me too."

She hesitated, worked her mouth a moment. "I'm sorry you don't have him now."

That all you have is me.

And Raven wasn't enough.

Had never been enough.

Least of all now when she couldn't even work up the courage for a fucking hug.

Luna's lips parted but only silence fell free, as though Raven's words had torn something in her. "He has a wife. . . had a wife," she murmured finally. "If we get off this island, I'll have to find her. And I'll have to tell her that the only reason she'll never see her husband again is because I'm alive. Because he sacrificed himself so I could live."

Now it was Raven's turn to struggle with words. "Luna, that sacrifice wasn't just for you. It was for everyone. For her."

But Luna's gaze had drifted away. "I know. But I doubt that will bring her much comfort. And. . . if we don't make nightblood, then it will be just for me." Their eyes met. "I never wanted anyone to die for me, Raven. Not again. Nightblood or no nightblood, my life can't be worth that much."

She thought of Sinclair.

Of his hand on her face, smearing blood, pleading with her to get back in the rover.

If she hadn't been knocked down, if she hadn't told him to manually open the hangar door-

('Raven, get back in the rover! Lock the door!')

(Raven, you're eighteen. You'll get floated. Take off the suit. Now!)

". . . I don't think it's about worth."

Because if it was, she wouldn't be here.

Luna sent her a look. "Of course it is. Raven, we both know the only reason I'm still alive is because of my blood. Because of its value."

Raven knew what it was to be valued for her brain to the exclusion of all else. But she couldn't say she was alive because of it. Knew that the times she'd been saved had nothing to do with her brain at all.

Raven was saved because she mattered to people. Maybe not as much as she wanted to matter but still. . . she mattered.

And to Sinclair. . .

To Sinclair she'd mattered too much.

Raven thought back to the man who had been the closest thing she'd ever had to a father. Who'd loved her the way her mother was supposed to.

And then she thought of Nyko, his arms around Luna, trying to hold her together as he pressed a kiss into her hair.

His careful warning that day on the boat, when he'd cornered Raven. God, that felt like lifetimes ago now.

"Luna. . . I think Nyko would have saved you even if your blood meant nothing."

She blinked - as though the possibility had never occurred to her.

Raven felt something sharp and heavy take up root in her heart. "It's not just your blood that makes you worth something to people."

To me.

Raven knew she would put her life on the line for Luna's in a heartbeat - but not just because humanity currently depended on her survival.

She'd do it because it was Luna.

Just like she'd put her life on the line to save anyone else she cared about.

You know, as a friend.

Because Luna was a friend.

(the same way Finn used to be?)

Raven bit the bullet. "I'd save you."

She'd meant the words to be a comfort - but they might as well have been a knife for the way Luna's features tore. "Please don't say that."

"Luna. . ."

"The last two people who tried to save me died."

Well, I'm on my way out anyway so not much to worry about there.

"I don't want anyone to save me," Luna continued, firmer now, the earlier fragility gone from her voice. "Not at that cost. I especially don't want it to be you."

Why especially me?

It was on the tip of Raven's tongue to say that it wouldn't be much of a cost. That her days were numbered anyway so she might as well throw them away on someone who meant something.

And Luna meant something. Raven didn't know what she meant exactly but. . .

Something.

"Promise you won't save me." The request drew Raven back, drew her attention to eyes that had darkened, pulling her into their depths.

It sounded like a plea.

Raven swallowed. How could she promise that?

How could she promise that when the biggest regrets of her life were born from the times that she hadn't saved someone? Hadn't saved her mum. Hadn't saved Finn. Hadn't saved Sinclair.

"Luna. . ."

"Please."

And because Luna rarely asked for anything; had demanded nothing in return for walking towards Raven that day on the dock instead of away; because she was slowly destroying her own health to save them. . .

Raven couldn't deny her this. Couldn't deny her anything. "Okay."

But even as Luna's eyes closed with relief, she knew it wasn't a promise she would be able to keep.

Hopefully, it wasn't one she'd ever be put in a position to break. Luna was safe here on the island. They all were. That safety would end when Praimfaya came but by that point, well, Raven would no longer have to worry about saving anyone.

She wouldn't be alive to do so.

"I promise."

As long as Luna was here, on the island, she would be safe. Raven could keep her safe.

There would be no need to save her.

And no need to break this promise.


A/N: So in a previous chapter Luna revealed that she'd recently seen Lexa. That doesn't contradict what she says in this chapter when she says that Lexa didnt deny herself love when she knew her. This is because even though technically Luna did know her later in life - and Lexa denied herself love during that time - she didn't know her know her, not truly. After their conclave, they became strangers to one another.