Adria sobbed, scratching at her arms. "It itches."
Luna caught her hands weakly. "I know, my love, but you can't scratch them. You're only making it worse." She'd already torn open several of the blisters, the wounds oozing with dismay.
Adria wept. "It hurts so much."
"I know." She could feel the burn along her own arms, spreading across her cheek, hungering to cover every part of her. Hated that it was a pain Adria had to endure as well. But she had nothing to ease it. All the herbs they possessed for pain management had so far proved too weak.
Useless.
Everything Luna had to offer was useless.
Adria screwed her eyes shut, body contorting as she clutched at her stomach. "Please make it stop."
Luna would grant this child anything - would give her the heart from her body if ever she was asked - but she couldn't give her this. Swallowing, Luna settled down beside her on the blanket, drawing Adria into her arms, mindful of the welts.
She winced and groaned but collapsed against her with relief.
"Do you hurt?" Adria's voice was weak, but the concern in it burned harsher than any of the welts plaguing her body.
"Shh, don't worry about me, I'm fine." She ran her fingers through her hair, wincing as she caught on a snag. It was damp and tangled, absent its customary bright glow.
Adria coughed, nudging her face into Luna's neck. Tears wet her skin. Hot and sticky, sewing themselves like needles into the lesions that coated her flesh.
Luna didn't wince at the pain, only tightened her hold as guilt swelled inside her.
Other members of her clan were sick. She needed to see to them, tend to them. Say their rights as they were lowered into the sea. But she couldn't tear herself away from the child in her arms. Not yet.
Wasn't sure she would find the strength to stand even if she could.
Everything hurt. But that was something she could contend with. Overcome. The way her limbs felt as heavy as anchors, though, impossible to lift. . .
That was a far more intimidating obstacle.
She hadn't felt like this since she was five years old. Not even at her most ill. The only time she could recall even coming close hadn't been an illness at all. And she'd recovered quickly.
She could get up. She knew she could get up. Would somehow find the strength. If only she. . .
Luna drew in a breath, eyelids faltering.
Adria groaned, twisting against her.
(She wasn't sure there'd be any recovering from this)
She just needed to rest. Just for a little while. Then she could do what needed to be done.
Knew she was only grasping at any excuse she could find not to lose the reassuring weight against her chest.
Not to leave the one she loved most.
(She would have made a poor Commander.
Had already proved she made a terrible leader)
She wished Derrick was here.
If Derrick was here, Luna would be able to force her arms to open, her legs to stand. It would not feel so impossible to walk away, knowing he was there to take her place.
But he was not here.
And that was her fault.
Just as it would be her fault if she couldn't get her clan the help they needed in time. Because she had put an ocean between them and the aid they so desperately needed. An ocean that she thought would keep them safe but now only proved a barricade, an obstacle they may not have the time to overcome.
Their healer had died last night. He could bring them no salvation.
Right now, that lay only in the return of the boats. Some of her clan had taken them out two days ago. A fishing expedition. Routine. They should have been back by now.
But if the sickness had consumed them too, they may not have the strength to guide the boats home.
All would be lost then.
She drew Adria closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead, breath catching as the blisters on her cheek scraped against knotted hair. "Would you like me to tell you the story of the sea?"
A weak nod was her only answer, accompanied by a sob as hands tightened around her shirt.
Luna tried not to focus on how weak the hold was, how even at five - starved and disoriented with shock - Adria had clung tighter, stronger.
(but no less desperately)
Luna took a breath. "A long, long time ago, before the first fish swam through the sea, and the first bird tasted the sky, the world was ash. Nothing could live in it and nothing could die. Darkness reigned. . . But above, there was light. . ."
Within an hour, the crying ceased. Within two, Adria stopped trying to scratch as Luna helped her onto the long-awaited boat, doing her best not to collapse under both their weights. Within seven, she stopped speaking, her eyes hazy and her body listless in Luna's arms.
It was at that point, their boat reached the shore.
(Adria never spoke again)
"Goddamn rash," Raven grumbled, scratching at her arm. The ointment had helped for a time but they'd run out of that ages ago and now the itch was back with a vengeance. Worse, the rash had expanded and, like Luna's, it had started to crack and tear apart, no longer resembling neat little half-circles but mottled patches of crimson. And, okay, her constant scratching probably wasn't helping in that regard but fuck it itched. And Raven had never been the best when it came to impulse control. "Has to be the most annoying symptom ever. Stupid fucking river."
When she looked up, Luna was watching her actions with eyes just a little too wide. Raven frowned, pausing in her scratching - it wasn't doing much for relief, anyway. "Hey, what's up?"
She'd been off since their talk about Nyko. Quiet.
All attempts to engage her in conversation had been met with only minimal success. Luna would talk halfheartedly for a time before dissolving back into weighted silence.
It reminded Raven a little of when they'd fallen into the river. That first hour after. Luna wasn't quite at that same level of rattled now, but she was distant. Seemed to have faded into herself.
Possibly the exhaustion of being sick was finally catching up to her.
Possibly grief was.
Raven waited for an answer but none came. "Luna?"
She blinked, clarity returning. "Yes?"
"What's up?"
"Nothing, I just. . ." Luna shook her head, settling back on the bed. Her eyes wouldn't meet Raven's, instead staying cast to the ceiling. "Can't stop thinking about it."
"Thinking about what? Knocking Lexa on her ass? Cos I can't stop thinking about that either."
Okay, so Raven was being deliberately obtuse. She'd run out of comforting words when it came to Nyko. Felt utterly lacking in ability to help.
So. . . humor.
That was her go-to aid.
Luna's mouth twitched and she gave herself a congratulatory pat on the back. In spirit, at least. But the near smile faded too quickly and Raven knew she couldn't deflect from this any longer.
Suppressing a sigh, she ripped the bandaid off. "You mean Nyko?"
"No." Luna shook her head. "I mean, yes but. . . no. I can't stop thinking about before. With my clan. So much of this is similar. The symptoms. . ." She sighed, rubbing her eyes. "Every time I throw up, I'm back there. Every time I see your rash, feel mine. . ."
Oh.
Raven hadn't considered that.
The words shouldn't have surprised her. Luna had been getting more and more melancholy as the day went on. Now Raven knew why.
In fact, it was so obvious that she felt like giving herself a kick in the backside for not realizing sooner. Of course this shit was triggering for Luna. The last time she'd been sick, almost everyone she'd ever cared about had died.
Raven would find that fucking triggering too.
Hell, she'd been having her own memories stirred up as well, needling at her senses. And she wasn't the one who'd been hit with the radiation plague.
Raven hesitated, trying to think of something comforting to say.
There wasn't anything.
The situation was shit. And nothing she said could bring back Luna's clan.
Raven scanned her brain for a solution. Any solution.
"Have you tried meditating?" A useless endeavour in her opinion but it seemed to work for its number one advocate.
Luna shook her head. "I can't focus." She hesitated, head craning towards her. "Could you help me?"
Yes.
Of fucking course.
Anything.
"How?"
Luna extended an arm between their beds. "Hold my hand?"
Oh. That kind of how. Fuck. But she couldn't exactly say no. Didn't really want to either. Knew that, deep down, she enjoyed holding Luna's hand far too much. Enjoyed any kind of contact with her far too much.
And then there was the shadow of hesitancy in Luna's eyes, a reluctance. Almost as though she felt guilty for asking. Requesting this one small thing of her.
Which didn't make any sense. It wasn't like they hadn't held hands before. Especially during meditation. Granted, these days Luna always waited for her to initiate the hand-holding when it came to those torture sessions - a fact Raven had always felt too much relief at to question.
She tried to remember the last time Luna had touched her for more than a second. Well, today. They'd held hands today.
But Raven had been the one to reach out for her - after Luna's own attempt had been rejected.
When was the last time Luna had reached out and actually connected for any considerable length of time?
Raven scaled her memories back, searching.
It was before the river. She knew that much. Thought she could recall Luna taking hold of her hand during a walk, seeking to draw her over to show off a nearby flower. Raven had done her best to breathe, to not turn ridged under the touch or wiggle free. She'd done her best to appear unaffected. Had assumed that she'd managed it but. . .
Something had certainly shifted after that.
Fuck. Had Luna started noticing her mini freakouts every time they touched?
Well, that was almost too humiliating to survive.
Raven contemplated the merits - and viability - of melting into the mattress beneath her. But that was probably only a short-term solution.
Probably.
Too busy ruminating on her less-than-viable escape plan, Raven forgot the rather important task of forming a response. But she didn't miss the way Luna's expression faltered - just for a moment, almost too quick to catch - the flash of regret.
Crap.
A lick of shame uncurled inside her.
Fucking fantastic, Reyes.
Making Luna feel guilty about anything was the last thing she ever wanted to do. Raven's shit was her own to deal with.
So she wasn't totally comfortable with being touched by someone who made her practically combust from the inside out? She could find a way to deal. It sure as hell wasn't Luna's problem.
Nor was it something Raven wanted her to catch onto.
If Luna ever became aware of her attraction, she'd never be able to look her in the eye again. No doubt she would be kind about it, understanding. No doubt she wouldn't treat Raven any different.
But the awkwardness would be there.
The humiliation.
(and the burn of rejection)
Forcing a nonchalance she didn't feel, Raven shrugged. "Sure."
Luna's lips lifted faintly - the flicker of relief in her eyes hitting Raven's heart like a fist. "Thankyou."
Raven wanted to say that she should stop being so fucking considerate, that there was no need to be mindful when it came to touching her. That Luna could touch her whenever she damn well pleased, as often as she pleased.
But Raven was terrified she might just take her up on the offer. Run with it.
Wasn't sure she could survive a constant onslaught of heart-racing, skin-tingling, mind-numbing touch.
There was only so much of Luna that she could take.
(at least if she was to stand any chance of keeping her lips firmly to herself)
Throwing caution to the wind, she reached out and closed her hand around Luna's.
Her skin felt hot and feverish. Clammy. Raven resisted the urge to flinch at the uncharacteristic furnace. The lack of familiar chill. Tightened her grip instead.
The smile that drew up Luna's lips then - soft and relieved and overwhelmingly grateful - was worth the newfound racing of her heart.
Raven could deal.
Yep. Absolutely.
Definite dealing underway.
(she could not deal)
Why did it always feel like this?
Shouldn't she be getting accustomed to Luna's touch by now? Immune to it?
Why did every time feel like the first time? Wait no, worse than the first time. Almost as though Raven wasn't acclimatising at all but instead growing increasingly more sensitive to Luna's skin.
Maybe she was allergic.
Could Abby test for that?
Nevermind, a problem for the future.
Raven took a breath.
She could deal.
Luna closed her eyes and began a slow murmur. The words were easily recognizable and, shifting into a more comfortable position, Raven settled in to listen. This was possibly her favorite part of meditating with Luna. Listening to those words. Her voice.
It soothed Raven in a way that meditation itself never could. Gave her something to hone in on other than the pain.
The feeling of Luna's hand did that too.
But she was doing her best not to think about that.
After about ten minutes, the mantra ceased and Luna opened her eyes. She still looked drawn and far too tired for Raven's liking but at least now there was a more relaxed set to her features.
"Feel better?"
She smiled, squeezing her hand weakly. "Much. Thankyou."
"Don't mention it."
Like ever.
Gratitude gave her hives and she already had one rash to contend with.
Luna released her hand and she bit her lip on a groan at the loss. Inwardly berated herself for getting so attached to her touch.
For needing it.
(she couldn't ever need it)
"You know, I used to hate meditating."
Suitably distracted, Raven stared. "You're kidding?"
The corner of Luna's mouth curled. "No. I couldn't stand it. Staying still as a child was impossible for me. Or seemed to be. My mentors hated it."
"I'll bet," she said, unable to stop the smirk forming on her lips, imagining a little Luna buzzing around the Tower, full to the brim with boundless energy - every teacher's worst nightmare.
Raven had been the same.
Until she'd learned the importance of being still.
Until her mum had forced her to.
She pushed those memories down. "So who taught you to meditate, anyway?"
"Titus."
Raven snorted. "No wonder you hated it."
Everything she'd heard about the man inspired nothing other than a strong urge to punch him in the face. Possibly with the addition of some brass knuckles.
Luna cracked a smile. "I think he dreaded our practice sessions even more than I did by the end. Once, I saw him close his eyes and count to ten. . . he used to suffer from migraines and I'm fairly certain I caused almost all of them. Well. . . Sol helped."
It would not be a lie to say that she looked entirely smug about the fact, too.
Raven grinned, remembering how Luna had mentioned something about playing tricks on Titus with her brother. "Bit of a troublemaker, hmm?"
"Mmm. I hated rules. As I got older, it became a challenge to break as many as I could. A challenge I excelled at. I think if I wasn't a nightblood, Titus would have pushed me off the Tower roof before I hit double digits. Still, I'm sure he considered it. More than once." Her eyes creased with laughter. "When I was eleven he finally gave up and excused me from all future meditation lessons. Lexa wouldn't stop frowning at me for a week."
Not even the mention of the dreaded Commander could dampen the warmth in Raven's chest, not when she got to watch the lightness rise on Luna's face. "Didn't approve, huh?"
"Not at all. She was always much better with rules than me. And a natural at meditation. It's probably why Titus liked her so much."
Luna was still smiling but there was something different about it now. Heavier. Secret.
The look in her eyes was unreadable, and yet oddly familiar - though Raven couldn't for the life of her work out where she'd seen it before.
On Luna, yes - more than once, she was now realizing - but somewhere else too.
Raven's brow furrowed as she tried to puzzle it out.
A coughing fit broke apart Luna's smile - and that wondering - and she reached blindly towards the glass of water on her bedside table.
Raven hastily sprang into action, seizing the glass and handing it to her.
Luna croaked a thankyou, accepting it.
Raven frowned, noting the effort it took for her to raise the glass to her lips, the slight wince as she swallowed. Abby was right. This had hit Luna a hell of a lot harder than it had her.
She felt all around yucky and even more tired than her usual - which, to be honest, Raven hadn't realized was possible. Not to mention her skin itched like crazy and the regular races to the bathroom were annoying as hell. But she'd stopped vomiting hours ago and she had yet to give more than a few minor coughs.
Luna on the other hand seemed to be fading fast.
Her fever, meanwhile, was not.
Raven contemplated the merits of shutting her mouth and letting the woman actually get some rest - as per the doctor's orders.
But Luna didn't seem to share her train of thought. Once the coughing had passed and she'd settled back down, she picked up the conversation where it had left off. "Derrick changed the way I thought about meditation. He was extremely patient with me. Too patient. And he taught me ways to be still that didn't make me feel trapped. Holding hands was the first method he tried - and the most successful. Probably because I hadn't held anyone's hand in so long I was willing to do almost anything to keep him from letting go."
Raven swallowed, fighting back the pang in her chest. She hated to think of Luna alone. Especially because she knew that was the fate that most likely awaited her now. It wasn't something Raven could stand to linger on.
So she didn't.
"Derrick. . . you mention him a lot."
Sometimes, she thought Luna spoke like she forgot that Raven didn't know the names that passed her lips, the strangers in her stories. Forgot that she was the only one to hold those memories.
The thought was unbearably sad.
And another thing Raven didn't want to linger on.
"Who was he?"
A boyfriend, maybe?
Her stomach hissed - because it was shit like that.
Luna grew quiet, staring down at the sleeve of her jacket, gently fingering the crystalline material.
Enough time passed that Raven thought she might have overstepped and hastily prepared to walk back her question, to change the subject.
"Someone very important to me. He found me years ago - though he always said I found him." Luna smiled a little to herself before it broke. "He was one of the people I killed to save Adria." Shit. "He adored her. Almost as much as I did. I think. . . I think it's what he would have wanted. But I don't know. He couldn't want anything at the end." Luna looked down at her empty hand, fingers opening and closing weakly, as though searching for something to hold. Something that wasn't there. "We all like to think that we'd lay down our lives for someone we love but none of us ever really know until that moment comes. Reality is the enemy of ideals. It lays waste to the illusions we have of ourselves."
Raven knew she was speaking about herself.
About her brother.
Didn't know what to say to that.
Except. . .
She'd let Finn take the fall for her up on the Ark. She'd let him make that sacrifice.
It wasn't the same. Raven knew it wasn't the same. But she could understand the shame that came with putting yourself first. Choosing yourself.
How it never really went away.
Luna's face twisted suddenly - and for a moment Raven thought she was going to cry but her body shooting up in the next instant dispelled that theory. Understanding immediately, Raven reached for the bucket between them and limped the distance to her side. Placing it on Luna's lap, she automatically reached for her hair, grasping it just in time as she convulsed, spilling what little was left of her stomach's contents into the bucket.
Which wasn't actually all that much.
Mostly just foul-smelling bile.
Raven grimaced - her own stomach giving an answering flip - but didn't loosen her hold. If this doesn't get rid of this stupid fucking not-crush, I swear to God. . . As Luna's body continued to shake and contort, she let go with one hand, moving it down to her back and starting a slow, rhythmic rubbing.
There was no hesitation this time. No awkwardness.
Raven's need to help overruled it.
Once the hacking had ceased, she carefully guided Luna back onto the bed, ignoring the wave of dizziness that passed over her with the effort. Okay, so she wasn't totally fine herself. At least those slivers of crackers she'd eaten earlier seemed content to stay firmly inside her. So far anyway.
For minutes, Luna lay very still, the rickety sound of her breathing the only reassurance that she hadn't croaked it. Still, Raven checked her pulse. Just in case.
Definitely alive.
A little too alive, actually. If the hummingbird race of her heart was anything to go by.
Luna didn't even twitch at the touch and Raven wondered if she'd fallen asleep. Brushing a hand against her forehead, she noted that the clammy skin had turned blistering hot.
Maybe she should get Abby.
Luna opened her eyes.
"The young and old died first," she murmured, staring at the ceiling. "Reed was the first to go. He was only two." Jesus. "I helped bring him into this world and I could do nothing but watch as he left it. I couldn't do anything for any of them. They all died, one by one. And I couldn't do a thing to help. I could barely even walk."
Raven's stomach twisted - this time for an entirely different reason.
"Luna, you were just as sick as the rest of them. That you even managed to bring them to Arkadia is mindblowing enough. And at the end of the day, there's nothing you could have done for any of them."
Nothing anyone could have done.
"I know." Despite the words, Raven caught the doubt in her eyes before she closed them. Knew Luna didn't believe her. Not really. "But it doesn't make me feel any better." She exhaled, turning her head towards Raven and opening her eyes. "I know that my survival is supposed to be miraculous. Something that I should be grateful for. But it doesn't feel that way. Not when they didn't survive with me."
It was miraculous to Raven.
But she understood. She understood why Luna couldn't share that feeling. There was no miracle in being the last one left standing. The one left behind. Raven knew that intimately.
She reached out, taking Luna's hand again. "You don't have to be grateful for surviving. But if it's okay, I'm going to be grateful for you."
More grateful than I've ever been for anything in my life.
(she realized, with a sinking feeling, that her gratitude had very little to do with Luna's blood)
Luna exhaled, the taut lines on her face easing. "It's okay." Her hand clenched around Raven's. "Thankyou."
