A/N: This note was meant to go in the last chapter but I forgot to include it

One of the things I've really struggled with when writing this fic is the immensity of Luna's grief. The sheer enormity of her loss. Especially since the ways in which all that loss has taken place is horrific. Sometimes it'll just hit me like a freight train. Honestly It's a wonder Luna is coping at all. So it is something I keep coming back to when writing. Because if I'm unable to put it out of my mind and keep getting bogged down by it, then you can be certain that Luna would struggle to as well. It's definitely difficult writing what is essentially a love story in the midst of so much tragedy and trauma. But that's also my favorite kind of love story to write lol

This is going to sound odd, but one of the things I love about Luna and her character is that she did kill her brother. When faced with sparing his life or saving herself she chose to save herself. And I love this because Luna is a good person. Like she's not bad, she's not evil and yet she didn't do what would be deemed as the good thing, the right thing - sacrificing herself for someone else. But the reality is that many good people wouldn't do this. Many good people would cave to their survival instinct in a situation of life and death. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I don't think it makes a person bad if they're not self-sacrificing to the point of giving up their own life. That they do put themselves first sometimes. I think it's incredibly realistic and I love that Luna gets to embody this.

And Luna may see it as evidence of her darkness but I see it as evidence of her humanity. Luna is so . . . human. And I love that about her.

And I think that 'selfish' survival instinct is the trait that Luna condemns most in herself - and others. I think she has a lot of hatred and disgust for it. And she sees it as the root cause of all the darkness in the world. She never would have been trained as a novitiate and forced to fight in that conclave if not for her people's desperation to survive.

Which of course factors into her ultimate decision to effectively take away everyone's ability to do just that.

I mean survivor's guilt is such a huge, horrible thing and that's Luna's character. It's such an integral part of her character and story arc. From killing her brother to losing her clan to being what she thinks is the last nightblood to Nyko's death to facing a future where she thinks she's going to be the last person on earth. Every character on the 100 deals with survivor's guilt but Luna really embodies it.


"It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after."
Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles


Luna's fingers were slack around the music box in her lap, the impression of the wood barely touching her senses.

She'd intended to put it on the pyre. With Adria. To give it up to the fire.

But. . .

It was almost dawn and the smoke from the pyres was growing thinner and thinner, weaker. The smell had clung to the air all night, almost thick enough to choke, occasionally making her eyes water, but now she breathed fresh air.

It should have been a relief.

It wasn't.

That smell was all that was left of Adria. That smoke. Luna could scarcely wrap her mind around the fact that all that remained of the child she'd loved was disappearing in the breeze. The wind had turned violent in the night, seizing all ash where it rested and carrying it into the sky. At one point, she thought some may even have landed in her hair, on her skin. . .

Luna couldn't bring herself to check. To make sure.

She knew, though, that if she approached the pyre, she would find tiny bone fragments. Adria's bones.

Her stomach turned and she had to close her eyes a moment, try to breathe. The little girl she'd loved was ash and bones. "She should be in the water. Not here. They all should."

This is wrong.

She felt the expansion of Nyko's throat against her head, followed by the reassuring baritone of his voice. "They are ash now. The winds will carry them to where they need to go - You carried them this far. Let the winds do the rest. They'll find their home in the sea. I promise you that."

Luna's hands clenched around the music box. She wished that she could have played it for Adria. One final time. As she lay dying.

Dying.

Adria was dead.

Chest squeezing to the point of pain, she allowed her gaze to move over the rest of the pyres. The rest of her dead.

All of them so far from home.

What had she done?

"They'll find the rest of their clan," Nyko continued firmly. "She'll find Derrick. Spirits know their way to each other."

And Luna knew he'd guessed the deeper reason for her distress.

She hates to be alone.

Worse even than the thought of Adria being dead, was the thought of her being alone in death. Abandoned.

Afraid.

Do spirits fear?

Do they even feel at all?

Luna bit her lip. Unable to find faith enough to believe in Nyko's words, but too grief-stricken to dismiss them altogether. "Do you think Sol, Lexa, and Costia's spirits found each other?"

They were killed so far apart. So far away. Scattered across the earth.

Life had separated them. From each other. From her.

And then death had made that separation eternal.

"I do," Nyko said, not a trace of doubt in his tone. and Luna envied his certainty. His faith. She couldn't be certain of anything anymore. Even herself. "And their spirits will find you as well. When the time comes. A time hopefully very far from now."

Maybe.

If they wanted to.

And in the case of her brother, she couldn't be certain that he would. That his spirit wouldn't flee at the sight of hers.

"Do you think your brother's will find yours?" Luna asked.

Would you even want it to?

Had Nyko loved her father the same way she had loved Sol? They'd been separated so young. Led such different lives. And the man Luna had known had very little in him to love.

She'd stood in front of his pyre and felt nothing of what she felt now. Almost nothing at all.

Nyko released a heavy breath, and she felt the hot air tickle her hair, warm her scalp. "I hope so."


There was a light tap on the door and Raven looked up as Murphy poked his head in.

"Please tell me you aren't in need of any more bucket changes."

"We're good," she said, combing Luna's hair absently.

Murphy closed his eyes, exhaling. "Good things do happen."

Luna sighed in her sleep, nuzzling into her thigh. Once she'd slipped from the land of consciousness, Raven had given up on her hovering - unable to ignore the strain on her hip anymore - and settled herself at the top of the bed, between the wall and Luna's head.

It wasn't the most comfortable of positions but it was better than bending over for agonizing lengths of time.

(and she refused to move away)

"So, how's the patient?"

Raven finally glanced up - did a double take. "What the hell happened to you?"

Dude looked like someone had thrown a bucket of water at him. A very big bucket. Topped with ice.

Raven was sorry she'd missed it.

"Emori. Luna's fault. I'm not sure I'm ever getting laid again."

Well, that was more information than she'd needed. But still rather pleasing.

Murphy entered the room - paused. Tilted his head to the side. "It's possible we've underestimated just how evil she can be."

Raven smirked.

Until she felt something hot and damp against her thigh; looked down in alarm. To her dismay, there was a small patch of drool beginning to form on her pants.

Yep, definitely evil.

"Though it seems like karma already got to her." Murphy jerked his head at Luna. "She's not looking too hot."

Raven disagreed. Lack of hotness was far from being one of Luna's problems - and not just because she was running a fever.

Bad Raven.

Still, as long as she was focusing on Luna's intolerable levels of sexual appeal, Raven wasn't thinking about any of the other things she found appealing about her. And there were growing to be far too many.

Shallow of her maybe but also sanity-saving. And Raven would very much like to keep her sanity. Or what was left of it, anyway.

Still, medically speaking, Murphy wasn't wrong.

Despite the apparent peacefulness of her slumber, Luna's skin was glistening with sweat and still had an overwhelming flush - like she'd just eaten a bowl of chilli - something Raven hadn't tried before hitting the ground and a trick she would never fall for again (Monty may look innocent but damn he took no prisoners when it came to pranking).

Luna had ended up having to strip down to her top again back when she was still awake, though it didn't seem to have done her much good.

It certainly wasn't doing Raven any favors. Especially from this angle.

Thankfully, any arousal she might have felt was hastily strangled by nauseating concern - and more than a little distress. She hated seeing Luna like this. Vulnerable. Sick.

Suffering.

Not to mention, she was having a hard time shaking their previous conversation from her head. That had been. . . a lot. A lot she was still struggling to process. She hadn't known just how deep Luna's pain went. Just how much she was keeping below the surface, barely seen.

Raven shrugged, trying not to betray the knot of tension in her gut, the one that had been growing tighter and tighter since that fall in the river. "Abby checked in on us half an hour ago. Said her fever's no worse. She just needs to sleep it off."

"Well, she certainly looks exhausted enough to sleep for a week."

She suspected that for Luna, it wasn't being sick that had exhausted her the most. It was the memories.

There was a lot to work through there. Raven hadn't realized just how much. The scope of her pain.

And her guilt.

(she'd wondered whether Luna's pain ever threatened to drown her. Guessed that now she had her answer.

Would have rather gone on not knowing it)

"Don't think that really goes into it." Exhaustion rarely ever brought on the land of sleep for Raven - her pain or her brain usually made sure of that. She suspected Luna's own brain had been equally stubborn this past month. "But Abby gave her something to help her sleep. Seems to have worked a little too well. She's dead to the world."

As if to prove her point, there was a loud crash outside, followed by the sound of swearing. Miller.

Luna sniffed but otherwise showed no signs of disturbance, instead nuzzling even deeper into her thigh.

Raven frowned, wondering whether she should be worried about suffocation.

"Clearly," Murphy snorted, eyeing them. "And how are you pulling up?"

She tried not to be suspicious of his uncharacteristic concern.

"Honestly? Not too bad now. I think Abby's shot did the trick." Raven grimaced a little, remembering the evil little needle that had poked at her flesh. The IV had, admittedly, helped too. Though she would never tell the doctor that. "Just wish it was doing more for Luna."

"Probably is. She was just worse off to start with."

Raven narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"

Did he know?

Did he know about the after effects of the radiation?

And if he did, had Luna told him?

"Well, for starters, she's been looking like the walking dead this past week. I'm sure you noticed." Raven hadn't. Not at first. Hated that she hadn't. "But I guess that's hardly a surprise when she's still sick. The doc kind of left that part out when she was talking up the wonders of nightblood, huh?"

Raven hated the curl of jealousy that so immediately sprang up inside her, at the thought of Luna sharing such personal information with someone else. Someone who wasn't her. It was unfair as fuck. Not to mention disgustingly contradictory since she'd been wanting Luna to expand her friendship circle a little. To find other people to confide in. To care about.

Other people to replace her.

But apparently her stupid emotions hadn't gotten the memo.

Raven's stomach turned, spoiled by the ugly envy simmering inside it.

Why am I like this?

"Luna told you she was sick?" She could have bit her tongue off for letting her jealousy solidify itself into words.

"Luna? No." Murphy shrugged, arms crossed. "I get the feeling she wouldn't tell anyone she was hurt even if she had a sword sticking out of her chest."

Raven relaxed a little, then cursed herself for the fact.

She never used to be this person.

Hated being this person.

It wasn't that she hadn't loved Finn enough to be jealous or possessive. It was that she'd been so secure in their relationship and love for each other, so trusting, that such feelings were entirely superfluous. There'd been no space for them.

Now she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to reach that level of security with someone again, romantically or platonically. Raven didn't think she had it in her.

Once bitten, twice shy. Wasn't that how the saying went?

Still, even if she accepted that, the feeling felt icky in this instance. She didn't want to be possessive of Luna.

She wasn't a thing that Raven could just lay claim to. God knew Luna had endured enough of that already in her lifetime.

Didn't mean she could shut the feeling off, though. So suppression it was. Suppression and denial, denial, denial.

Seemed to work well for everything else.

"St. . .ora." Luna sighed against her thigh, smiling slightly, and Raven stamped down on the little thrill that rose up inside her. She didn't deserve to feel it.

"So Abby told you?"

"Abby doesn't tell me shit. No, Emori and I take turns spying on everyone's conversations."

Raven nearly jumped off the bed. "Murphy!"

"What?" He was utterly unrepentant. "You'd do it too if you weren't actually kept in the know. All you have to do is ask. Emori and I have to be sneakier."

Nice sob story but she knew him better than that.

"Oh, please. You just like sticking your nose in everybody else's business."

And annoying the fuck out of them as a result.

"That too."

Raven froze. "Wait. Have you been spying on conversations between me and Luna?"

He smirked.

"Murphy. . ."

"Best not to ask questions you don't want the answer to."

Raven stared.

The only thing stopping her in this moment from getting up and murdering him was the fact that she was currently in the middle of a very important task: playing pillow to Luna's face.

"If I ever catch you in the act, your days are over."

He didn't appear particularly intimidated by this.

(it was unfortunate that Raven's gun wasn't in the room)

A touch to her thigh drew her attention back down. Luna's hands had inched up at some point, as if she was looking for something to hold onto. Raven resisted the urge to supply her own hand for the task, forcing herself not to react when fingers settled against her thigh, lightly clutching.

Yep, Raven was definitely beginning to feel like a human pillow.

(she didn't hate it)

Anger cooled, she contented herself with running her fingers through Luna's hair, heart fluttering as her lips curled slightly in her sleep.

"Strisora," the low murmer held more contentment in it than she'd heard from Luna all day.

I'm doing this for her.

Not for me.

Certainly not because I want to.

Raven cleared her throat. "Abby said they're going to stop taking blood soon, so she should be looking better in no time."

Silence met her statement and when she glanced up, Murphy didn't look nearly as convinced of this. Still, he neglected to refute it.

Raven opened her mouth-

And winced, grabbing her head.

"Headache?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't go running to Abby."

"I don't think Luna would appreciate you having a seizure on top of her."

"I'm not going to have a seizure. I haven't had one in over a week. I'm good."

"I think the fact that you haven't had one in so long probably means that you're overdue."

Raven touched her boot. "I will throw this at you."

Murphy rolled his eyes but raised his hands in surrender. "Forgive me for not wanting you to crush Luna to death."

"I'm not going to crush her!"

There was a low mumble against her thigh. "Shof op."

They both stiffened, looking down in alarm, but Luna's eyes remained closed. She smacked her lips a few times before turning over, curling around an actual pillow instead.

Subsequently abandoning Raven's leg.

"Now look what you've done!" she hissed, deciding that irritation was a better emotion to feel than horror in this moment.

Her thigh was just really cold now. That was all.

She didn't need Luna so much as she needed a heat pack.

Murphy stared at her in disbelief. "Me?"

Raven simply scowled, turning back to her charge and shifting her thigh slightly closer - totally not in an attempt to try and entice her back.

Luna remained firmly cuddled up to her new favorite pillow. Which didn't even look all that comfortable. Kind of lumpy. Too flat.

Raven shifted her death glare. If pillows had faces, it would be smirking right now. She just knew it. Totally gloating over the fact that it got to press its stupid face against Luna's - they were practically making out!

Not that Raven was jealous of that or anything. She did not want to make out with Luna. Nope.

She just wanted her leg warmer back. And Luna happened to be running a fever so she functioned pretty well as one. That was all.

"I bet you two days of dish duty that you have a seizure before the end of the week."

Raven's eyes widened. "Murphy!"

He was going to fucking jinx it!

"What?" His own eyes widened innocently. "If you're so certain you're not going to have one, you won't mind taking the bet. Dish duty sucks."

Fucking assh-

"Fine." Because she couldn't back down from a challenge. Could never back down from a challenge.

And if she backed down from this one, she'd be all but admitting that her chances of getting another seizure soon were high.

Raven searched her mind for a means of retaliation, some way to pay him back.

"You know, you missed Luna saying fuck."

An unbelievable occurrence that had almost been worth getting sick for.

Murphy's mouth parted and Raven knew she would cherish the look on his face until her death bed - which would unfortunately be coming a lot sooner than expected. "You lie."

"I lie not."

He stared.

"Fuck you."

Raven smirked, filing her little revenge plot away as a massive success.

Clearly, she'd chosen just the right weapon to dispense.

She was going to laud this over Murphy for the rest of her very short life. She would definitely have to thank Luna later for giving her such top-shelf ammo.

"Way to spoil my day, Reyes," he grumbled, turning away.

"Happy to oblige." She grinned, moving her attention back to Luna - whose nose had since scrunched up like she had an itch. Unable to resist the impulse, Raven reached for her abandoned tablet and raised it up, preserving the image with a tap of her finger.

"Pretty sure it counts as stalker behavior to take secret photos of your crush when they're sleeping."

"Fuck off."

She did not have a crush.

And this wasn't fucking stalker behavior.

Luna was just really, really adorable and that deserved to be preserved for all eternity.

Raven went to snap another pic when the face on screen contorted, screwing up even further, mouth parting.

"Foto stikswita. Foto stiksw. . ."

They both tilted their heads to the side as Luna continued to mumble incoherently into her pillow.

"So she talks in her sleep. In Trig. Kind of adorable, don't you think?"

Raven ignored him. She was the only one allowed to think of Luna as adorable.

"Should have expected it really. She mentioned she tended to be pretty vocal in bed."

Raven whipped around.

His mouth twitched. "Not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter, you minx."

Murphy did not. . . he did not just call her a fucking minx?

God, she was going to have nightmares about this conversation for years to come.

"Then why the fuck would you word it like that?"

"Like what?"

The smirk thoroughly ruined his whole innocent routine. It was quite possible Murphy existed solely for the purpose of driving her slowly insane.

"Nou choj op stikswita-de."

She poked Murphy in the arm as he wandered closer. "What's she saying?"

"How should I know? I don't speak Grounder."

"You're the one who's dating one. But clearly you don't like to put in an effort."

"Are you saying I'm a bad boyfriend?"

"Well, if the shoe fits. . ."

"Chiki stikswita. . ."

"Well, chiki's naughty, I know that much."

Raven closed her eyes. "Never tell me how you know that."

Of all the words in Trigedasleng . . .

He smirked a little, opened his mouth-

"Chiki Lincoln. Feisbona."

They stiffened.

Raven paled. "I do not want to know what she's dreaming about."

For so many reasons.

Murphy seemed amused. "Now, let's not jump to conclusion-"

"I know how you learnt that word, Murphy!" she hissed.

"See. Jumping to conclusions. The situation really wasn't as kinky as you're imagining. I only-"

She covered her ears. "Nope."

Raven was cool with sex. Better than cool, really. Hell, she'd never batted an eye at walking in on Gina and Bellamy, or Harper and Monty - the latter of which had happened so much she'd started pencilling it into her expectations for the day. And she'd seen more of Lincoln and Octavia than should ever be glimpsed outside of a threesome. So, yeah, she was cool with sex.

She just wasn't cool with Murphy having sex.

Imagining him in that way was just-

Raven shuddered.

There was only so much in this life she could take.

Luna's breathing picked up, her hands clenching around the pillow. "Lincoln. . ."

Raven frowned, ignoring the slight squirming in her gut that she refused to label as anything other than gas. Not jealous, not jealous. "This feels vaguely voyeuristic."

"Mm," Murphy grunted. "You're welcome to leave anytime."

Raven stared at him. "I'm the one who's actually supposed to be here. You're just a slimy interloper."

He shrugged, dismissing that. "So. . . Lincoln and Luna, huh? They do have the whole alliteration thing going on so maybe it makes sense."

She was surprised he even knew what the word alliteration meant.

"And she did say he was very physical," Murphy added.

Raven stared. "How the fuck does that even come up?"

"Well, we were talking about sex-"

She threw up a hand. "Never mind."

Another person she was a hundred percent not cool with when it came to sex was Luna. Mostly because she had a vivid imagination that liked to run away with her in the most unsavory of directions. And she was trying very hard to think of her new friend only in the most platonic of terms.

Which Luna made fucking hard, just in case anyone was wondering.

"Let's just. . . stop with the assumptions and think about pure things."

"You started it."

"I-"

"Nou choj op swima-de!"

They whipped around, just in time to catch the edge of Luna's mouth, twisting into a grimace before it disappeared into the pillow.

"Not that I'm an expert on the subject, but that doesn't look like the face of someone who's having a kinky good time."

"Yeah," Raven sighed.

So maybe they'd been a little too quick with the assumptions.

It was all Murphy's fault.

Raven didn't have a dirty mind.

"Also, Luna may have taught me some Trigedasleng to impress Emori the other night when we were cooking - part of a devious plot on her part, as it turns out." His expression was too serious for any teasing to spring forth from Raven's lips. "Swima was one of the words. It means fish."

"Hod op."

And Raven remembered the night after she'd come back from Mount Weather, when Abby had dosed her to the brim with sleeping pills just so she could finally rest through the pain - and why she'd subsequently refused to take any since:

The endless loop of nightmares that were impossible to wake from. How they'd been more vivid and terrifying than any she'd ever experienced before. How they'd seemed to go on forever. A hell she couldn't escape from.

A torture.

"Shit."

Definitely not a kinky good time.


A/N: Little nod to Nadia's character, Magna, in this chapter because I couldn't resist.

So the dream Luna is having is about the time Lincoln accidentally poisoned her with fruit, which then leads into a nightmare about her clan being poisoned by those fish.

shof op = shut up

Stikswita = fruit [mine] from sticky sweet

"Nou choj op stikswita-de" = don't eat the fruit

Chiki = naughty [mine] from cheeky

Feisbona = poison

Foto stikswita = bad fruit

Hod op = stop

Strisora = little bird [combination of canon and mine] from strik (little) + sora (bird). The k is often dropped when combining strik with another word, which is how I got strisora. Personally, I pronounce it with an emphasis on the 'sora'. StriSORA.