A/N:

So bad news. The blood vessels in one of my hands have burst and it's swelled up to like twice its size. I've been in severe pain for the last two weeks and finding it very hard to type and to focus enough to proofread. So updates are probably going to be slower.

This is why I haven't replied to any of the comments you guys have left yet. I want to say I love and appreciate them so much and I will eventually reply. This author's note here is using up my typing quota for the day :)


Luna came to slowly, mind foggy and dark, filled to the brim with echoes of the past, clouding her senses. She winced, trying to orient herself.

The pillow under her cheek smelt sharp and unwelcoming, chemicals filling her nostrils.

It wasn't her own.

She couldn't hear the waves, or the sound of laughter and footsteps tapping across steel flooring, the squawk of seagulls come to roost. She couldn't hear anything.

Except for a light breathing behind her.

Slowly, Luna became aware of the arm around her waist - felt herself start to relax into the hold.

Derrick.

But she knew the weight of Derrick's arm. His body against hers. The smell of his skin. The sound of his breathing.

She knew it all as well as she knew her own heartbeat.

This wasn't Derrick.

Luna sprang around, the present colliding into her with such force that she nearly collapsed under its onslaught.

What-

John. Face creased with chagrin. Hair swept every which way and an obvious pillow crease on his cheek.

John.

It was John. Not Derrick at all. And she wasn't on the rig, she was in the lab. She had been in the lab for weeks.

Derrick was gone.

Everyone was gone.

Adria was-

Luna took a breath. Now wasn't the time to think about that. To feel that.

Because John was awake. John was in front of her - face distorted with an awkwardness that only continued to increase as the seconds ticked by.

They stared at each other.

"Raven made me do it."

Heart pounding, she slowly started to calm.

Raven.

Raven had-

Oh.

Oh, poor John.

Luna's lips peaked in a smile. "I understand she can be very persuasive."

"And a bully." He scoffed, unwinding his arm and shifting back a little to the far end of the narrow bed. "Honestly, I don't know how you put up with her."

Luna suppressed a grimace at the action. At the loss. It had been almost two weeks since anyone had held her. That was longer than she'd gone since she was sixteen.

She missed it.

Missed being held.

Missed the heat of another person's body, molding to hers, the steady expansion of their chest, rising and falling with every breath. She yearned for it in a way she'd thought she would never have to again.

And John might not be Derrick but he was someone. Someone Luna cared for. Someone she might even feel safe with. One day. If she allowed herself to.

She almost felt resentful of her sleeping self, for having had the good fortune of experiencing the embrace of another - and remaining completely oblivious to it. Missing it.

Luna suspected it would be a long time before she was held again. If ever.

"Thankyou, John," she murmured, ignoring the comment about Raven. She knew there was no heart in it.

For all his snide remarks about their little bird, Luna knew he cared for her. Reluctantly, perhaps. But still. He cared.

She also didn't ask why Raven had resorted to such measures. Her heart still pounded with the memory of her nightmares, her skin slick with cooling sweat. Luna only hoped they hadn't scared her new friend away. Or kept the boy beside her awake. "Did you get any sleep at all?"

"Oh yeah, loads. Once that one over there finally conked it."

He jerked a thumb over Luna's shoulder and she turned.

Raven sprawled rather hazardously across her own bed, snoring softly. Hair thoroughly mussed and missing from most of its ponytail. As Luna looked closer, she even noted a touch of drool escaping the corner of her mouth.

Luna smiled.

She loved to see Raven asleep. Without pain. Experiencing at least some semblance of peace.

She deserved it.

Luna wondered just how much of that sleep she'd managed to gain.

Yesterday was a haze, the last hours seeping together into near incomprehensibility, but she could remember the grief, stronger than it had been in weeks - strong enough to break her.

And she could remember Raven's touch.

Soothing ointment against her skin, fingers smoothing through her hair, a hand sealing around hers.

And she could remember the relief of that.

Luna flexed her fingers, feeling the emptiness there now. The loss.

( 'You're not that fucking important.')

Her lips lifted faintly as the phrase flowed back to her, jumbled in amongst a mess of other words. It truly was a talent. How Raven always seemed to know exactly the right thing to say. How to lift her heart and break apart the darkness.

Still, Luna hoped she hadn't been too much of a burden. Raven was sick as well and shouldn't have been using what little energy she possessed to comfort her. Take care of her.

Nor should John be sacrificing his sleep to do the same. She knew what she was like when the nightmares hit - and it was anything but quiet.

Luna hesitated, returning her eyes to the man beside her. He was a skilful liar and she wasn't sure whether to take his word when it came to matters of sleep.

John may hide it well but she knew he had a good heart.

That he might try to shield her from any guilt would not be a surprise. Especially after the conversation they'd had yesterday, when he'd tried to talk her into spending all of her nights within the mansion instead of the lab.

She'd been touched by his efforts, though far from tempted.

"My nightmares. . . are you sure they didn't keep you awake?"

"Positive. You quietened down after I got in."

Luna scrutinized him. She might not always know what John was lying about but she could always detect the lie - and there was no trace of deception in his eyes right now.

Relieved, she relaxed into a smile. "I really do appreciate it."

"I know." John's mouth turned up. "You're a cuddler. Made that clear yesterday. Just didn't think I'd be the one offering up my services when we had that conversation."

"Well, Raven bullied you into it," Luna consoled with forced severity. "You had no choice in the matter."

He snorted. "I know you're only joking but that's not actually all that far from the truth. I think she might really have killed me."

Something warm and soft twisted in her chest. At this evidence of Raven's care.

('that wasn't what scared me.')

A part of her was reluctant to grasp it, to believe it.

The part of her that still struggled to believe anyone left in this world, let alone on this island, could care about her for more than just her blood.

That part was important. Wise. Protective. Experience had bred birth to it.

But she also knew it could be irrational. Fed and manipulated by those very same experiences.

Luna could be paranoid.

But she could also be right.

Time would tell which side of her would be correct in this instance.

For now, she lingered in the reassurance of Raven's care.

For now, she chose to believe it.

(after all, she'd put down the gun)

"I'm sorry for your troubles," Luna said, the apology no doubt ruined by the slow upturn of her lips.

"Oh yeah, you look real sorry." But John was smirking and she knew the night couldn't have been too much of a trauma for him. "You also owe me now. You know, for making my arm go to sleep. It truly suffered. Might never recover." He stretched out said arm in emphasis, grimacing for effect.

Luna hummed. "I suppose you're right."

She knew that her night would certainly have been a lot worse without him. Not all of her dreams had been nightmares. She had to suspect that was down to John. Thanks to him, some of them had actually been painfully comforting.

Beautiful, even. . .

"Beauty."

He blinked. "What?"

Luna allowed herself to settle more comfortably. "The other day, you asked me what my type was. I assume you meant what attracts me to a person."

That conversation had been puzzling at best. A lot of her conversations with John were puzzling. Luna knew he was angling for something. Something he wanted from her - she was more than familiar with being on the receiving end of that by now. What was unusual was that she had yet to work out just what it was he wanted. Normally, there was little confusion on the matter.

Her blood.

Her body.

Her soul.

Her life.

She was a cornucopia of offerings that most couldn't resist reaching out to take.

But not everyone.

Not Raven.

(not John, either. So far)

"Beauty," Luna repeated. "That's what I'm drawn to."

She'd been thinking on it hard, cycling through the hearts of everyone who had ever captured hers. Had located one common thread between them all.

Beauty.

She was drawn to beauty.

(and to those who wanted nothing from her

the most beautiful thing of all)

"Beauty?"

"Yes."

Luna suspected it wasn't what he'd been expecting, and thought wryly of the example he'd given when they were cooking: dark hair; infuriatingly stubborn personality; and no self-preservation instincts whatsoever.

Everyone she had ever held romantic affections for carried at least one of those qualities, if not all of them. Though she couldn't say that those qualities had been the thing to attract her. Still, the accuracy of his guess was surprising. Nobody had ever accused Luna of being predictable or easy to read.

"Huh." John raised a brow. "I'm guessing we're not talking about appearances here?"

Luna's eyes creased. "No, John. Not appearances."

It was rare that she was drawn in by something like that. She could appreciate the beauty of another person's body - but that generally had very little to do with attraction.

Generally.

"Right. Meizen."

Her smile grew at his understanding. "Meizen."

John's mouth curved in response. "And what makes a person beautiful in your eyes?"

And he was fishing again. Searching.

Luna considered giving him nothing to find.

But after last night, what he'd given her. . .

"Their heart."

He did an admirable job of not rolling his eyes, though she could tell the urge was strong. "Of course."

Her lips drew up. "Now will you tell me why you even want to know? The real reason this time."

It was obvious that yesterday's conversation hadn't been entirely for the sake of Emori. And whilst she'd briefly entertained the thought that he was testing the waters in hopes of opening up his bed, John had quickly dismissed that worry.

Despite her suspicions, his adamant rejection wasn't all that surprising. Emori and John's possessiveness when it came to one another was all too blatant and, until recently, Luna never would have considered the possibility that they'd be open to such an arrangement. They were far from the likes of Anora and Mikel, who'd made no secret of the fact that they'd be more than willing to share themselves with her - if ever the fancy struck.

(Derrick had teased her for months after Anora had first approached her with the proposition. Apparently, Luna had been sending off more than a few unintentional signals. Though he hadn't been kind enough to inform her of just what those signals had been)

John considered her question a little too long. "I'm bored."

"You're bored?"

"Yep."

"And that's all there is to it?"

"Pretty much, yeah. If you hadn't noticed, this island kind of lacks for entertainment. And, well. . . you just so happen to be entertaining." John finished the explanation off with a smirk that she knew would have had Raven on her way to throwing something at his face.

Luna peered at him closely. He wasn't lying.

He also wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Alright." With John, she'd come to accept half-truths and lies that fell apart at the slightest touch.

He reminded her a little of Zeke in that.

(maybe that was why she accepted it so easily)

"Listen, do me a favor and don't tell Emori about this." John gestured between them.

Luna frowned. "She'd be upset?" Sleeping beside someone was rarely anything more than platonic for her but she knew that beliefs around these things could vary from person to person, clan to clan. As grateful as she was for John's kindness, she had no wish to cause problems in his relationship. Nor did she want to hurt Emori.

He snorted. "No. She'd laugh her ass off at me and say I'd gone soft. Never let me hear the end of it."

Luna smiled a little. "There's nothing wrong with being soft."

"Well, of course you'd say that. You have the self-preservation instincts of a salmon."

The fish that swam to its own death.

Just like every nightblood.

(every nightblood but her)

"You'd be surprised," Luna said softly.

She hadn't survived this long because she didn't know how to protect herself. How to be hard.

(her brother could more than attest to that)

It had taken Luna years to realize the truth. To understand. Being hard had never done anything but hurt her.

Being soft had saved her life.

Luna doubted that was something she was going to convince John of anytime soon, however. Hardness was learned for a reason.

(hers had been)

And you needed an even greater reason to allow yourself to let it go. Especially given how painful that release could be.

"Besides," John continued, "I'm not soft. I was kidnapped and held against my will by a horny mechanic with anger management issues."

"Of course." Her mouth twitched. As exasperating as she found the feud between the pair - there was also some amusement to be had in it. She'd meant it when she'd said they reminded her of Lexa and Sol, whose playful enmity had existed at times for no other reason than that it was easier. Easier than getting too close.

Safer.

Sol had never wanted to love anyone but her.

Lexa had never wanted to love anyone at all.

Both had failed.

(she thought her brother might have gotten along well with John. Or at the very least approved of his choice in nicknames. He'd carved a drawing of Lexa into Luna's headboard once. Obnoxious devil horns erupting from her head. 'Horni Leksa,' had been the nickname he'd bestowed on her.

She wondered whether anyone else had given Lexa a nickname after he died. Or if she'd only ever been the Commander.

Heda.)

"I also hope you know you're lucky you got a cuddle - after that little trick you pulled with me and Emori." John scowled, though it was playful enough that she knew he wasn't genuinely upset.

It took Luna a moment to catch on to what he was talking about.

Slowly, a smile formed on her face.

"What the hell did you get me to say, anyway?"

Luna's smile became a smirk.


"Nora," Luna greeted softly, sinking down beside the woman's shivering form. The many blankets that were thrown over her might as well have been fishing nets for how violently she was shaking.

"Luna?" Anora forced open an eyelid. Barely. "Where's Flo? Have you seen Flo? Have you-"

"Shh," she placed a hand on her shoulder, hoping to settle her. "She's with Kel. He's taken her to see the seagulls."

Anora exhaled, before smiling weakly. "They love those stupid birds."

Luna returned the smile past the lump in her throat. "They do."

"I can't stand them. Sound like they're screaming in a death throe. I told Kel that if Flo starts squawking too I'll push him off this rig."

Luna had seen delirium set in with others as well. Towards the end. And though it was painful to listen to, she found herself almost relieved that Anora could find comfort in it now, in fantasy. That her last moments wouldn't be filled with the grief that had overwhelmed her earlier.

So Luna would indulge the fantasy.

For as long as possible.

Anora's amber-brown skin had turned pale and sickly in the hours since she'd last seen her - the waning visage of a ghost. Luna tried not to gaze too hard at it. At her.

Anora seemed to have no such compunction in return. She peered at Luna closely, managing a squint through her shivers. "You look terrible."

Luna's mouth twitched. "You must have gone to the same School of Flattery as Zeke."

"Who needs flattery when you're as beautiful as me?"

She forced her eyes to roll, to give in to the teasing - even as her chest cracked with the force of the sob she was trying to restrain. "I see being sick has done nothing for your vanity."

"I've earned the right to be this vain. You should try it sometime."

Luna had. When she was a child. Vanity had been one of her more notable flaws, not entirely unusual in a novitiate. She'd found very little to be vain about in the years since.

"God your hair," Anora croaked all of a sudden. "Have you seen it? You need to do something about that."

Luna couldn't help the wry smile that found her lips.

She sounded just like Costia.

"I think my hair should be the least of my priorities right now."

"Your hair should never be a least priority. It's too good for that."

She was one to talk. Her own hair was just as enviable. Though not so much now. Luna frowned, wishing she had a comb and some oil. Anora didn't deserve to die like this. Looking like a wretched shell of her former self. None of them deserved to die like this.

Swallowing, she reached out a hand, smoothing it over Anora's sweat-soaked brow. Earlier, she'd been hot to the touch. Now she only felt cold.

Freezing.

In time, she'd grow colder still.

"I'm sorry," Luna murmured.

"For what?"

Too many things. None she could put into words right now. None she could get past the burning ache in her chest.

"Are you in pain?"

"No." Anora closed her eyes. "No, I don't think I am. . ." She exhaled a rickety breath.

It wouldn't be long.

"Good."

Luna would stay with her until she no longer could.

Until there was no longer any need to.

"Where's Flo?"

She would stay with her and talk to her of the birds.


A/N: huge apologies for the lack of raven/luna conversation lately. I promise that by chapter 53 we're back to scenes with them. Chapters 48-52 were originally only two chapters but they got too long and I had to split them

Fair warning. Next chapter is. . . dark. And I almost didn't include it.