A/N: they're back, jelly babies! Finally, I present to you Luna and Raven both awake in the same chapter
Trigger Warning: child abuse, implied sex work and sexual exploitation (not Raven or Luna) - on the show, we saw that this was an issue on the Ark, though it was more implied than anything
Raven could remember the first time she'd felt that sickening burn of jealousy. Though she hadn't known it at the time. Hadn't recognized the feeling for what it was.
She'd been six. Maybe seven.
Sitting on the floor in their cabin, fiddling with a metal chess piece in her hand. A horse. The board had belonged to her grandfather.
She'd never met him.
After minutes of deliberating over her next move, Raven finally felt certain of a decision. Set the horse down.
Anticipation filling her gut, she looked up at her mummy.
Her mummy who was seated opposite her. Her mummy who was playing with her.
Today was their day.
"Your move."
"Well, I don't know how I'll beat that." Her mummy tsked but her eyes were light with a smile.
Today was a good day.
"Try. You can do it." Raven liked to win. But she liked it when her mummy was happy more. And she was always happy when she won.
A knock sounded on the door.
No.
Raven ignored it, holding her breath as she waited for her mummy to make her move. She didn't.
"One second, baby."
Heart sinking, Raven watched as she rose to her feet, made her way over towards the door. One second. It was just going to be one second.
(this time it really would be one second)
The door opened and a man stepped inside. She'd seen him before. Too many times. His eyes always passed over the room like she wasn't there. Worse. When he came, her mummy's eyes started doing the same.
When he came, Raven ceased to exist.
She watched as the two of them had a hushed conversation. Couldn't make out the words. Knew it wouldn't matter even if she could. The result was always the same.
Her mother smiled - that too large Alice in Wonderland smile - and touched his hand, trailing her finger over the surface. Then she drew him further inside. Shut the door.
(it wasn't going to be one second)
"Raven, I need you to go outside and play for a little while."
Their cabin was one room with one bed. A bed they shared. Raven knew what her mummy did on that bed when she wasn't supposed to be watching. Had opened her eyes in the middle of the night to terrifying sounds. She'd pretended to stay asleep, not to see.
But she had.
She always saw.
"But what about our game?" Raven shouldn't ask. Knew she shouldn't ask.
But her heart was squeezing in on itself and the words were out before she'd even thought them.
Her mother pursed her lips. The first warning sign. "We'll finish it later." They wouldn't. "Now, outside. It's bad for you to spend all day cooped up in here anyway."
"But-"
She was across the room before Raven could blink, a hand closing around her arm. It wasn't tight enough to hurt. Yet.
The hand jerked Raven to her feet, pushing her towards the door. "Out."
Raven didn't say anything else. Stepped slowly towards the door, head turned over her shoulder. Waiting for her mummy to change her mind, call her back.
(she wouldn't)
Her mummy wasn't looking at her anymore. Was looking at him. Only at him.
It was always about him when he came. Always about all the men when they came.
Because they were 'important'.
Very important.
Her mother said so.
Raven didn't know what made them important.
And what made her not important.
She'd spent hours trying to puzzle it out, to find that thing inside her that made her less. But she never landed on anything.
(maybe because there wasn't anything. Maybe it wasn't a thing inside Raven. Maybe it was Raven herself.
Just her)
She swallowed, watching her mother and the man, a hot sticky feeling rising in her gut as she prayed that this would be the day her luck would change. That once, just once, her mother would pick her.
Knew it was an impossibility.
When it was a choice, her mother never picked her first.
Raven blinked rapidly, still waiting, still hoping.
But the call never came.
And her mother never turned.
Instead she continued to smile at the man, eyes bright.
Raven wanted that smile for herself.
Wanted it more than anything.
Felt a burning sensation in her chest - not quite anger, not quite sadness - and glared at the man.
The man who made her not important.
Tearing her gaze away, Raven opened the door, forced herself outside, into a space where she mattered even less. Where everyone's eyes passed over her and bodies bumped into her. If she sat on the ground, there was a good chance she would be stepped on.
Crossing her arms, Raven made her way towards the engine room instead. Sometimes she could sit in the doorway and her curse of invisibility would turn into a superpower. Sometimes she could sit and watch and no-one would see her.
It was the only time it didn't hurt not to be seen.
(and it was here she would begin the journey of making herself indispensable.
here she would find the tools that would ensure she was always picked first.
even if only for her brain)
Abby had returned, bringing with her more dreaded IV fluids. Thankfully this time she'd decided that Raven could be spared the assault.
Luna wasn't so lucky.
She watched now as Abby carefully attached a new line to the catheter in her hand, wondering just how many times Luna had experienced this already. How many times Raven hadn't noticed. How many times Luna hadn't mentioned it to her.
Oh, cos you're the only one allowed to keep shit to yourself now?
Raven huffed, rolling onto her back once the doctor had left. "I don't get why you tried to hide this from me."
She'd been cranky ever since waking up. Not entirely her fault. Her brain had put her through the fucking wringer last night. Nightmare after nightmare of sterile blue and white walls, the sound of a struggle in the distance, too far away for Raven to see, to reach, but close enough that her heart felt caged in her chest, hammering with panic. With helplessness.
(not exactly her favorite feeling in the world)
She'd turn around, searching, desperate to find the source of that struggle - only to be confronted with Luna's back, walking away. Walking away from her. And even though Raven tried to move, to follow, her feet stayed frozen to the ground, her voice trapped in her throat.
Again and again, the dizzying sequence of events repeated.
The outcome always remaining the same:
Raven. Standing alone.
In a room that was finally silent.
She'd woken up feeling like the world had reached its end, like Praimfaya had come and gone.
Come too soon.
But it hadn't.
Instead, she'd opened her eyes to see Abby fussing over Luna's vitals, the two engaged in quiet conversation.
For an instant, she'd almost launched herself across the room at them. Pushed Abby away. Shouted at her to get the fuck back.
The impulse had thrown Raven. Scared her.
She had no idea where the fuck it had sprung from.
What Raven did know was that it was becoming increasingly clear that she was losing her goddamn mind. That A.L.I.E. was destroying it. Piece by rational piece.
And Raven could feel herself slipping.
So she clawed at anything she could find. Which, of course, turned out to be anger.
It always was with her.
"Hide what?" Luna's voice drew her back, curious and unassuming.
Innocent.
It only stoked the fire inside her.
Raven gestured at the IV in frustration. The only source of her anger that she could really put into words at the moment. "This."
It shouldn't make her angry.
It really fucking shouldn't.
But that image of Luna's back growing smaller and smaller in the distance flared in Raven's mind, as a sharp fist of rejection clamped around her heart.
It was just a dream.
"I didn't." Luna's brow furrowed. "Raven, me not telling you something isn't me hiding it from you. If you'd asked, I would have told you."
That sounded reasonable enough.
Raven wasn't in the mood to be reasonable.
She was still rubbed raw from listening to Luna's cries last night, shaken by just how much they'd affected her. How powerless she'd felt.
And how selfish.
Luna had needed someone to hold her. And Raven had been too much of a coward to let that someone be her.
And then there was the conversation - the many conversations - she'd had with Murphy. . .
And now these dreams.
These god-awful fucking dreams.
Honestly, she was beginning to think that Abby had slipped her some of those sleeping pills too.
(Raven did her best not to think about what else had happened, that nauseating feeling in her gut and the disturbing hallucination that preceded it. The sense that she'd forgotten something.
There was no use thinking about things that weren't real)
She had a lot to be upset about. And all of it was tied to Luna. Which wasn't her fault, of course. But that didn't stop it from being true.
The only thing Raven wanted right now was to get out of this room. To escape her presence, even if just for an hour.
But the thought of taking her eyes off Luna for more than a second filled her with a shocking amount of dread.
Unsurprisingly, this understanding did nothing to improve her mood.
She shouldn't care this much.
But it was growing increasingly hard to deny that she did.
"Why not just tell me, anyway?" Raven grumbled, glaring at the ceiling.
"It never came up."
She craned her head to stare in disbelief.
Luna gazed back at her evenly. "I only started getting fluids again recently. And I honestly didn't see the point in discussing it."
"Maybe." She shifted into a more relaxed position. "Or you just didn't want to bother me with it."
It was a stab in the dark but Raven thought she knew Luna well enough by now to understand that she rarely hid her vulnerabilities for her own sake.
(unlike her)
"Both," the answer came simply, without pause. Luna wasn't the type to shy away from an accusation. Any accusation. "You've got a lot on your plate."
Raven frowned, anger slowly beginning to cool. "Not so much that I wouldn't want to know about this."
She inclined her head. "Understood."
Nothing else followed.
An act of benevolence on Luna's part, no doubt.
Raven knew she could have pointed out that, if the roles had been reversed, she wouldn't have told Luna about this either. In fact, she would have tried to hide it.
Which was maybe why she'd been so certain that was Luna's intention.
(though even if it was, what the hell did it even matter? She had a right not to tell her things. To hide shit.
She had the right never to tell her anything at all)
Deep down, Raven knew it wasn't the IV she was pissed off about. That was just a smokescreen. A really fucking convenient one.
She stared at the soft curves of Luna's face, the warmth that flowed from her eyes - the warmth that was always there whenever she looked at Raven.
You left me.
Just like everyone else.
Only that wasn't true. A dream wasn't reality.
And Luna was still here.
She hadn't left. Hadn't left her. And had done more than enough to prove that she had no intention of doing so. She was committed to staying and helping them. Even if it wasn't actually Raven she was staying for.
(and it shouldn't be.
Raven had never been worth staying for.
not for anyone)
It was just a dream. A stupid fucking dream.
Gritting her teeth, she pushed all thoughts of it aside. "Anything else going on with your health that you forgot to mention?"
Really, Raven had no right to ask. Considering all the shit she hadn't said about her own. All the things she'd kept hidden. Continued to keep hidden. One glaring candidate in particular reignited that spark of guilt in her stomach.
She asked anyway.
(her mouth had always been an asshole.)
Luna seemed somewhat exasperated, if only in an amused way. "I did mention it. I told you I was having trouble absorbing things. Honestly, I thought you'd found out all you needed to from your little chat with Abby."
"Oh."
Chagrin washed over Raven and with it she felt the last of her anger melt away. Which was unfortunate because without it, she was just left with that nauseating wash of fear from earlier. That feeling of impending doom. She was left with the guilt, the memory of watching Luna suffer and not reaching out a hand to help her. Running away and forcing Murphy to do it instead.
(she'd really needed the anger)
"And, no. There's nothing more. You know it all," Luna continued - before hesitating. "If I hid this, it wasn't by intention. I never talked about these things as a child. If we got injured, fell ill, we dealt with it in private and moved on. Sometimes we'd tend to one another's wounds if the opportunity presented itself but we never sought it out. The Fleimkepas would check us for serious injuries and send us to a healer if any were found, of course, but I don't think we ever went looking for that aid ourselves, not unless we were told to and we certainly never talked about it after the fact. There was a pressure as well. To be the best. To live up to the blood we'd been gifted. Injuries were a mark of weakness, a sign that we'd failed in some way. So we didn't admit to them. Covered them when we could. Eventually it just became a habit. And sometimes. . . " Her mouth drew up slightly, wryly, "sometimes we hid them because we didn't want to be excluded from training. Though it never really worked. The Fleimkepas were very thorough in everything they did. Including making sure that we hadn't been damaged. That we could still function for our purpose."
Raven frowned, the words reminding her too much of her own childhood. She'd also tried to hide her injuries. Her pain. Her weakness. Not at first but. . . eventually. Eventually, she'd learned to. Eventually, she'd realized that she had to.
Less prone to provoke a certain somebody's rage that way.
Over time, it had become a habit for Raven as well. Reinforced by the limitations everyone kept trying to put on her after the universe had 'gifted' her with this leg. She hated limitations. Hated people doubting her abilities, her strength. Hated the powerlessness and helplessness that came with all that. The despair of being cut off from doing the things she needed to, the things she lived for.
Just slow down.
Everybody thought. Everybody said.
Just slow down.
They didn't understand. Couldn't understand. Slowing down wasn't in Raven's DNA. Wasn't something she could endure.
So she hid. Hid everything she could. Automatically. Without thought.
"I get it."
Luna stared at her for a long moment - and Raven felt almost certain that her eyes were picking her apart, piece by vulnerable piece. "You do, don't you?"
Raven swallowed, ready to retreat from any questioning at a second's notice.
But Luna didn't push the matter further. She knew better than that by now, it seemed.
Raven cleared her throat, moving the conversation on, forward - away from anything to do with her. "Is that also why you didn't tell Abby about the infection in your arm?"
She nodded slowly. "Honestly, I didn't realize it was infected. I just thought it hurt. There were no visible signs when I last checked it. . . but, yes." She lifted a shoulder. "Pain wouldn't have been a valid reason to alert anyone when I was a child and. . . I seem to be falling back into old habits recently." Her mouth twisted a little, a sign that she wasn't any more happy about this fact than Raven. Then she hesitated. "The past feels very alive to me right now. And it's hard to stay ahead of it." Luna's eyes connected with hers. "But I want to. In the future, if something comes up, I'll try to be more open about it."
"Okay," Raven said after a pause, hoping she understood it for the thanks it was. That feeling of guilty self-recrimination rose up inside her again. She didn't deserve for Luna to tell her anything. To know things. It was fucking unfair to want her to.
Raven hesitated. "I overreacted."
Her lips drew up. "A little. But I don't mind. It means you care. And that's something that's in short supply for me these days."
Raven frowned at this. Wasn't sure what to say.
So she said nothing. Not about that.
Raven worked her mouth, everything inside her screaming not to speak, not to give this part of herself away. But she owed it to Luna. An explanation of sorts. For being an absolute dick about some stupid fucking IV. "I get weird when people keep things from me."
Like her mum hiding just how many bottles of booze were in their cabin every time she tried to get sober.
Finn hiding the fact that he'd fucked another girl all the while Raven had been working her ass off to get down to him, risking her life in the process.
(in the end, he'd never told her. The evidence had been in a tiny figurine. A two-headed deer. Metal carving out her heart, the way metal had once given it a reason to beat faster, lighter - with joy, love.
Certainty.
'Just in case you thought you were special.')
Raven got weird.
Hated it.
Couldn't help it.
And she couldn't meet Luna's eyes.
The admission was too painful, too open.
Itching in its vulnerability.
But she still caught the edge of Luna's smile, the unbearable softness of it. "Then I'll try my best not to."
It was everything Raven wanted to hear.
But it only made that dark hole inside her open wider, begin to suck. She closed her eyes, fingers clenching at her sides. She never should have said anything. Never should have started this conversation.
"I don't want you to tell me things." Didn't want this sick, needy, foreign part of her to find any sort of satisfaction. Raven would starve it if she could.
"Tough." When she opened her eyes, Luna's own were stern. "Because I want to tell you things." The gravity of her expression broke apart with a smile, the teasing in it almost enough to overpower the sick feeling in Raven's chest. She stared at that smile a moment, lost for words. "Though you'll have to understand, there are some things I'm not comfortable talking about."
Like the river?
Raven wanted to know about it, wanted to know everything.
Hated herself for that want.
For her own self-contradiction.
She swallowed. "If anyone can understand that, it's me. You don't have to tell me anything, Luna. I'm just..." fucked up. Doing my best to function with broken parts. Only her best wasn't enough. It never was. "I'm working on it."
(not that she had a lot of time left to make much headway)
Luna reached out across the space between them, fingers lightly grazing her hand.
Just for a moment.
(Raven wished it was longer than a moment)
"I'll tell you. I'll tell you all the things I can. But only on the condition that you stop punishing yourself for wanting to know them."
"I'm not-"
Luna narrowed her eyes.
She huffed, turning onto her back once more. "Fine."
This woman was a fucking telepath.
Luna's voice chased her. "I know someone hurt you. Perhaps many someones."
Raven hunched in on herself.
Yeah. She never should have started this conversation.
Stupid fucking IV.
"And I'm sorry for that. It's not something you ever have to tell me about, but I hope you will someday."
"Why?" She could have bitten her tongue off for the question.
"Because I care about you." Raven stiffened. "And I know how suffocating silence can be."
She kept her gaze determinedly set on the ceiling. Knew her mask of indifference would break the moment she met Luna's eyes.
I care about you.
Raven clenched her jaw. "I like the silence. Reminds me of space."
Of spacewalking. The one time in her life she'd felt truly free. Boundless. Like she was exactly where she was supposed to be.
Raven missed that feeling.
Luna hummed. "I suppose there is a certain safety in it. . . I can remember that."
Raven huffed. "And here's the part where you tell me how unhealthy that is."
"No. It's good to talk about things. Doing so helped me heal. But being forced to talk about something often does more harm than good. It has to be your choice. I'll ask you things, Raven, but I won't ever expect an answer."
"Then why ask at all?"
"Because maybe one day when I do, you'll want to answer."
Raven allowed herself to slowly turn, to face her.
She was met with a smile. Soft. Reassuring. Easy. Everything about Luna was easy. And oh so fucking hard.
Raven hesitated. "I've talked about shit with people before. I'm fine with it."
"But you're not fine with talking to me."
"No."
She seemed to have stumped Luna with that one - a rare achievement. "Why?"
Raven sighed, admitting defeat. "Because you listen."
"And other people don't?"
"They do. But they don't hear the things that aren't said."
And they don't make me want to say more than I can bear.
Raven took a breath. "And they don't understand too much."
Luna understood too much. Every time Raven scraped open a wound - usually by accident - the empathy in her eyes was suffocatingly intimate.
Other people might listen. But they could never understand. And since meeting Luna, Raven realized that she preferred it that way.
Felt a lot less like she'd opened her rib cage up and put her heart out on display for inspection.
She didn't want to be seen.
And all Luna did was see.
And understand exactly what it was she was seeing.
Raven watched her now, the thoughtful look on her face as she digested her confession. "I like it when people understand me. Are able to relate. It's always made me feel less alone."
But that was the thing, wasn't it?
Raven didn't want to feel less alone. Because as long as she was alone, she had no-one to lose. No-one to hurt her.
As soon as that feeling stopped, as soon as she let herself get used to not being alone. . .
Well, that was when the pain came in. The loss.
(It was strange. To want something so badly. . .
And yet be terrified at the thought of it.)
Raven shifted uncomfortably. "It's complicated."
"I'm sure it is."
Well, at least she'd found something that Luna didn't understand. Couldn't relate to.
Something they couldn't share in.
(Raven pretended she didn't feel the disappointment mixed in with relief at this.
her feelings really were a fucking truckload of contradictions)
She hesitated. "I wasn't really angry about the IV thing."
Luna smiled faintly. "I know."
Raven resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Of fucking course you do. "You know, you could have pointed out how I was kind of being a raging hypocrite?"
She had to know there were things Raven didn't tell her about her health. Even if she didn't know the most important thing of all.
Luna's mouth quirked. "Mm, I could have. But considering you already seem well aware of the fact, that feels like it would have been a waste of precious time. And energy. Besides," her smile grew even more teasing, "you're not the only one who suffers from hypocrisy. In my experience, it tends to be a terribly common ailment. Even I may find myself afflicted by it from time to time."
"Is that so?" Raven's own mouth drew up, mostly at the haughty lilt to Luna's tone. One she'd never heard before.
The twinkle in her eyes also did something to Raven's insides that she'd rather not examine. "I am only human."
They shared in a grin for a moment longer and a part of her wondered at how Luna could appear so light, how she could even attempt to summon the humor in her voice after what had happened yesterday. And last night.
It was mystifying and Raven drank up every bit of her expression, watching as slowly that humor faded, gravity returning to her gaze - even as it remained too soft. "Listen, Raven, we all have things that. . . destabilize us. Make us act in irrational ways. Hooks from the past." She held her eyes for a moment. "I understand what that's like. And I would never judge you for yours."
And the words tugged at something inside her.
She didn't want the intimacy of being known. Understood.
But. . .
There was something Raven didn't want to be alone in. Something dark. And terrible.
Something that was making her feel like she was losing her mind more and more by the day.
And maybe . . . maybe she wanted someone to tell her.
Tell her that this broken part inside of her could be found in someone else.
That maybe she wasn't so broken after all.
(impossible, really. A long shot.
But still. . .
Raven craved the confirmation)
Luna desired understanding because of the closeness it brought. The intimacy.
Raven just wanted it so she could know she wasn't going insane.
She thought back to when she'd completely flipped at Murphy. How, in that moment, she'd been utterly gone from herself. Lacking in control. In thought. In anything.
She'd never done anything like that in her life.
And though Raven would never admit it, the outburst had scared her.
Still did.
She parted her lips. Nothing but air came out. Come on, Reyes, just rip it off. Like a bandaid. "Do you ever feel like there's something inside of you that isn't you? Only, more and more it seems like that's a lie. Like maybe it is you. It's become you."
Luna stared at her for so long that her insides started rolling over, certain she'd said too much. Raven didn't even know where the words had come from, how they'd ever been granted passage past her lips.
"All the time. I feel like that," Luna exhaled, "all the time. . . Some days it seems that's all I feel."
('I know the darkness.')
Right.
And in another confusing turn of events, Raven realized it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Because intermingled with the relief of being understood, of not being the only damn person who felt like this, was sadness.
As much as she wanted someone to understand, she didn't want Luna to understand. To know what it was like to be tied up in the twisted nature of it all.
She didn't want Luna to feel this. Didn't want her to feel anything bad.
(knew that was the most impossible want of all)
Raven swallowed. "What about when you were in Floukru?"
Luna smiled a little. "Not as much then. I had bad days but. . . they got less and less over the years. By the end, that feeling was almost gone."
She didn't have to ask what had caused it to come back.
Luna hesitated before reaching out a hand, palm open in question.
Raven knew that she could ignore it, that the gesture was meant for her and her alone. In this moment, Luna wasn't the one who needed someone to hold her hand. If she dismissed it - rejected it - then Luna would accept that easily. Would move on as if nothing had ever happened.
This hand was for her and she didn't have to take it.
But Raven realized as her arm moved against her accord, that she didn't have enough strength not to.
Not to give in.
Not to reach for what she wanted most.
Raven closed the distance.
Luna's skin was still hot. Too hot. But Raven welcomed the burn as their hands sealed together. Welcomed the anchoring shock it provided. The connection - the way it tethered her to this moment. To Luna.
Raven exhaled.
"That means the feeling can go away for you, too," Luna continued, fingers closing tight. "It's not permanent. And it's not you."
Raven wasn't sure she believed that but, still, she appreciated the effort. The kindness. Attempting a smile, she squeezed her hand. "It's not you either."
Luna's lips drew up in return but there was a weakness to the action. Like her own belief was equally lacking.
Not sure what to do with that fact, how to change it, Raven held tighter instead. And the longer she held on, the stronger Luna's smile became.
Until at one point, Raven could almost convince herself it was real.
"We all have parts that scare us.
Parts that we're afraid to look at.
Parts that we run from because we are just too scared to look at them.
But we can't not look.
And we can't not say it.
And if we can't say it with words, then...
We're artists, right? We find another way.
And there is always another way.
You won't swim forever.
I promise."
- little fires everywhere
A/N: so Raven has a lot of negative thoughts around her disability. Which can be a bit of a minefield to write. On the onehand, as someone with multiple disabilities, I believe that positive framing is really important. A lot of people would not change the fact that they are disabled if given the choice, often because it is such an intrinsic part of who we are. However, this does not feel true for Raven and her character. The lived experience of acquired disabilities and those you are born with is also quite different. In my own personal experience, there's a lot more grief with the first one, a sense of loss (though I don't want to speak for the experience of others). Disabilities that cause pain are also more likely to be viewed negatively and as something that needs to be cured by those who have them. Nobody wants to live in constant pain. And as much as positivity and acceptance matters in terms of disability, I feel like it's also important to create space for those who hate their disabilities and would choose not to have them if given the choice. For example, I would never change the fact that I am autistic. But I would get rid of my physical disabilities in a heartbeat because they reduce my quality of life so much. So I am definitely making space in this fic for Raven to feel what she feels.
