Trigger warning: discussion of stillbirth, child abuse
'Mother, you had me but I never had you.
I wanted you, you didn't want me.'
- Mother by John Lennon
'If a mother was Sacrifice personified, then a daughter was Guilt, with no possibility of redress.'
- Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Raven tried not to melt in Luna's hold, the tender passage of her finger over her skin as it drew back and forth, gently soothing. At some point - she couldn't remember when, or even making the decision - she'd moved to sit up, to lean in, to lessen the strain on Luna. So she wouldn't have to reach quite so far.
Raven had watched a small smile pass over her lips then, though her gaze had never left their conjoined hands.
It was nice.
She hated that it was nice.
Luna's brow furrowed as her finger glanced over Raven's - and paused, seeming to sense something. Turning their hands over, she looked down, revealing the small cut which had dried and congealed in the night. "What happened here?"
"Oh." Raven felt the heat surge in her cheeks. Right. "Minor accident last night. Clumsy hands. Only one fatality, though." She nodded her head towards the trash can, which still housed the remnants of one very unfortunate bowl. First it had been forced to hold Emori's foul-smelling goo and then its very existence had been eviscerated. Clearly, the universe hated it even more than it did her.
Luna smiled a little. "I think maybe you should be kept away from any dishes from now on. You don't seem to get on that well."
She was probably right.
Though, if Murphy got his way, that wouldn't be an option. Raven was going to end up breaking every plate on the damn island.
Whatever her wishes last night, those seizures better stay the fuck away from her. For the sake of their kitchenware, if nothing else.
Luna's finger continued to trace hers, edging around the cut - never getting too close. Never risking harm. "Does it hurt?"
"This?" Raven raised a brow. "Compared to my usual shit, it's a goddamn papercut."
"In my experience, papercuts can hurt more than some battle wounds," she countered, lips teasing at a smile. "So not the most reassuring of comparisons. Sometimes it's the little things that do the most damage."
"Well, this one hasn't done any damage. I can barely feel it."
That was true enough. Especially with Luna's hands, still warm and soft around hers. Right now that was all she could feel. The texture of her skin, so smooth in places and hardened with callouses in others. Raven thought she sensed the impression of a small scar. Resisted the urge to turn Luna's hand over the same way she had hers, to check. To see all there was to see.
The hold was stifling. Suffocating even.
(Raven didn't want it to end)
"I meant what I said before. You never have to tell me anything." Luna ran a thumb over the back of her hand, the brush of skin against skin sending bolts of electricity all the way to Raven's heart. She tingled with the onslaught, breath catching. "I don't have any right to what's inside you, Raven. Your past, your present. That's yours. You get to choose who you give it away to. If you want to give it away at all." Her smile faltered. "But I should tell you that Murphy is. . . talkative."
Oh brother. "That's one word for it. What did he say?"
Raven chose this opportunity to draw her hand free, to escape the closeness.
Luna let her go without hesitation, without even a flicker of expression.
It was easy.
(and far too fucking hard)
"Not much. But he did mention someone named Finn."
Inwardly, Raven groaned the mother of all groans as she moved to lie back down. "It's fine. It's not some big secret." It was the farthest thing from one you could get. "Ask around, everyone knows."
That would actually be easier. Less painful.
If Luna found out through someone else.
If Raven never actually had to say the words herself.
"I'd rather hear it from you."
Of course you would.
Raven bit her lip, staring up at the ceiling in the hopes that it might grant her some divine intervention.
Not fucking likely.
"But not today. Not any day, if that's what you choose."
She frowned, turning over to face Luna once more. "You really don't care?"
"I care. But I care about what you want more. What you're comfortable with. Just because I want to know everything there is to know about you, doesn't mean that I have a right to know it."
And Raven's insides were going into catastrophic chaos. Again. "Everything, huh?"
Luna's mouth curved. "If we have the time."
Which they didn't.
She swallowed, trying not to think about that.
I want to know everything about you too, Raven almost said.
Didn't.
Couldn't.
That was too much to admit to.
It was a struggle to even admit it to herself.
"I'm not sure you could handle everything," she joked, hoping to distract from the acrobatics her stomach had decided to take up. As far as she could tell, they were training for the goddamn circus.
Luna's eyes gleamed. "I guess we'll have to see."
Raven deliberated a moment. "Red's my favorite color."
She blinked, and then a smile slowly worked its way onto her face. "I never would have guessed."
Raven snorted. "The jacket kind of gives it away, huh?"
And the shirt.
"Just a little."
"What about you? Wait, no. Don't tell me. I know this one. It's blue, isn't it?"
"Ocean blue."
"Of course." Raven nodded gravely, though she was fighting her own grin now too. "Totally not obvious at all."
She didn't know how Luna did it. How she took that dark, howling mess inside her and washed it free. Washed it away.
The same way Finn once had.
Luna smiled softly at her a moment. "Though, I can say I've come to like red as well recently. It's grown on me."
Raven blushed. Hoped her complexion succeeded in hiding the worst of it.
"You have, huh?" Somehow she managed to keep her voice light - playful even. Somehow she managed not to choke on the words.
"Yes." That smile grew. "Before I always associated it with blood. With battle. Death. But now. . . now I've come to realize that there's something warming about it too. Like a fire. It can be violent and destructive. . . but it can also fend off the cold. The fire can keep you alive."
Raven stared. "Do you ever just give a simple answer?"
Luna's eyes widened a moment before a chuckle fell from her lips. "I suppose not."
She snorted, that tight knot inside her further unwinding. "Well, for the record, blood does all that as well." Luna raised a brow. "It helps to regulate body temperature. So, say, when it's cold, the vessels inside us that hold our blood and supply it to our skin contract," Raven squeezed her hand into a fist in demonstration, "and stop us from losing too much heat. Blood also absorbs heat, moves it around the body, keeps us warm." She smiled at the intrigued look on Luna's face. Yep. She'd been right about her being a total sucker for knowledge. "Plus, we'd kind of be dead without it. Can't get by without blood. Sort of necessary for survival."
They certainly weren't going to be surviving without Luna's. Blood had become even more vital, more priceless, than ever before.
"I mean, just look at yours. It's the only thing that will see any of us making it through Praimfaya alive."
Raven's smile fell the moment she saw Luna's do the same. Could have kicked herself.
Me and my big mouth.
"I suppose it does have its uses." For a moment, Luna was quiet - just a moment - and then that smile returned to her face, so easily, so seamlessly, that Raven nearly got whiplash. "So. . . I woke up with John in my bed this morning."
How do you do that?
Raven might be good at compartmentalization but even she couldn't shuffle her darker emotions away that easily. Or at least appear to.
Raven scratched the back of her neck. "Uh, yeah. . . sorry about that."
She certainly wouldn't appreciate waking up in bed with Murphy. Just the thought made her want to reach for the bucket again.
Luna's eyes creased. "I didn't mind." Yet further proof that she was a freak of nature. "He told me why. I understand I probably wasn't the best company last night."
Raven shrugged. "Abby's sleeping pills are shit."
"Mm." Her mouth thinned for a moment. "I don't think I'll be giving them another try. If I'd known. . . well, I'm sorry you had to deal with that."
"Technically Murphy was the one who had to deal with it." Luna's mouth twitched. "And it wasn't an issue. You're not the first person I've seen have nightmares."
But she was the first person who had affected Raven to the point where she could barely breathe, barely focus. The first person who had left her floundering.
She hesitated. "I was actually more worried about you."
Luna's lips curved. "You didn't have to be. I'm used to nightmares."
"Yeah, but these ones are different." Raven caught the flicker of surprise on her face. "I've had sleeping pills like those before. I know that they make everything. . . more vivid. And that it's worse because you can't wake up."
It was a seed of vulnerability that she wasn't entirely comfortable sharing but if it got Luna to give up the whole dismissive act, well. . .
Raven tried not to shift under the scrutiny of her stare, to turn away.
After a moment, Luna nodded. "It was worse."
"Abby said you might not remember anything. Do you?"
"I do." She hesitated. "I usually remember my nightmares. Maybe because most of the time they're not nightmares at all. They're memories. Last night wasn't any different."
Raven didn't have to wonder what those memories had been. "Your clan?" Luna nodded. "And Adria." This time it wasn't a question. Raven had heard the girl's name too many times last night not to be certain of the fact.
Which reminded her. . .
Raven sat up, bending towards the bedside table and opening a drawer. In the night, without the clasp to keep it in place, the necklace had fallen from Luna's hand. Dropped to the floor.
You know, once she'd stopped clutching it for dear life.
She'd seen it during one of her trips to the bathroom and stowed it away for safekeeping. Not wanting it to get lost or - worse - stepped on. The chain itself seemed pretty hardy - the halo of damaged skin around Luna's neck proved as much - but the shell looked fragile.
Too fragile.
Seizing the necklace now, Raven retrieved it from the drawer and held it out. "Sorry. I forgot."
The relief on Luna's face was profound. She seemed barely able to hear her words as she reached out towards the necklace, fingers trembling slightly before they connected. "I couldn't find it when I woke up. I thought. . ."
Raven winced. "Yeah. I had to take it off. I was worried it might break. Sorry."
Luna's eyes snapped up to her as she accepted the shell. "Don't apologize. I would have been heartbroken if I'd harmed it. Thankyou."
She shrugged off the unnecessary gratitude. "Honestly, I think there was more danger of it doing harm to you." Luna looked at her in confusion and Raven pointed at her neck, which was sporting a line of tiny, circular red marks - and more than a couple of scabs.
There'd probably be bruises there by tomorrow.
Luna's fingers came up to feel the skin reflexively. "Oh. . . Well, I guess that clears that up."
She dropped her hand, dismissing the injury, and returned her attention to the shell.
Raven studied the intensity of her focus, the warmth in her gaze. Recognized it. She'd looked at Finn's necklace with that same depth of feeling. Of longing. "It means a lot to you."
She nodded. "The shell was a gift from Adria. The first she ever gave me. It's. . ."
Raven thought of her own necklace. The metal raven that for so long had symbolized the essence of real love. Of finally being wanted. "The most valuable thing in the world."
Luna's eyes flickered to her in surprise, before her lips softened, rising faintly. "Yes."
Their gazes held for a moment - too long to be comfortable - and Raven looked away, reaching for a glass of water on the table.
And there was that understanding again.
The kind that hurt.
But in a good way.
In a way Raven didn't want to feel.
Luna, of course, shared no such discomfort.
Raven could sense her watching her. Softly. Too softly. Always too fucking softly.
"You know, in the spirit of telling you things, I never got to explain what else Floukru's symbol meant."
Raven would bet good money that she'd sensed her discomfort and this was nothing more than a means of offering her a way out.
Didn't matter. She was desperate enough to take it.
"Well, I'm all ears." She stared into her water. Took a sip. Knew Luna's eyes would be warm enough to burn if she risked catching them. Did so anyway.
Yep, definitely too warm.
She took another sip. Though it was more of a scull this time.
"Pregnancy."
Raven's hand flew to cover her mouth, only just stopping the sudden jet propulsion of water before it burst free.
Luna's own mouth curved, amusement shining in her eyes.
Cheeks flushing, Raven swallowed down the excess water, blinking rapidly. "I'm sorry, what?" She paused, the meaning of Luna's words catching up to her. "Why the hell would you choose a symbol that meant that?"
Of all the things. . .
Look, Raven had nothing against pregnant people or kids in general but the whole concept was pretty fucking horrifying. She didn't mind hearing about it, from a purely academic standpoint. The human body was wild in what it could do. But the thought of actually going through it. . .
She shuddered.
Wild or not, there were some things bodies just weren't meant to do.
Hers certainly wasn't ever going to endure the horror.
Luna shrugged, though the curl of her lips suggested that she found her reaction more than a little entertaining. Wonderful. "My people focus so much on death. On destruction. Pregnancy is the opposite of that. It's about life. Creation. Love." Not the last part, in Raven's experience. She was pretty certain pregnancy had not garnered any love from her mother. Of course it hadn't. Because it wasn't about love. It was about sacrifice. Sacrificing your body, your health, your future. . . even your life. That was something her mother had made clear from the moment she was born - and she'd spent the rest of her life ensuring that Raven paid for the fact. Still, she saw none of that same resentment or revulsion in Luna's eyes. Only an appreciation that Raven could never relate to. Never understand. "Floukru was that for me. A new beginning in life. One that I created for myself. With love."
Pushing her own biased feelings aside, Raven took the time to consider Luna's words, the look on her face. . .
('It's worse for a nightblood. We're meant to forsake all family ties completely. The clans become our children, and our duty and love must be reserved for them alone.')/
Oh.
Perhaps her perception of Luna's role in Floukru had been a little off. She wasn't its leader.
She was its mother.
And she'd conceived it, given birth to it with all the hope and love a mother had to give.
The kind Raven's own hadn't possessed.
"Floukru was your child."
Luna grew thoughtful for a moment. "I suppose it was, in a way." Her eyes turned heavy and Raven regretted voicing the theory.
She cleared her throat, searching for a diversion. "So how does that symbol represent pregnancy then?"
The heaviness didn't fully depart Luna's gaze but her focus returned - and with it the passion that always clung to every explanation she gave, every teaching. "It's part of a ritual during pregnancy. Each spiral represents a sun's movements for the course of three months, so the three spirals together-"
"Is nine months." Raven nodded. "The length of a human pregnancy."
Way too fucking long, in her opinion.
Though, she'd read once that elephants had to house a kid inside them for almost two years. So maybe humans had lucked out. Not as much as hamsters, mind you, who only had to endure that shit for three weeks.
Some species really were God's favorites.
"Yes." Luna smiled. Her fingers moved over her stomach, tracing out one spiral, "After the first three months, a spiral is painted in charcoal. This is usually when a person announces their pregnancy to those closest to them: the other parent - if they're involved - family members, friends. A celebration is held." She traced out another spiral, the motion almost hypnotic. "On the sixth month, the second is painted. This is when the pregnancy is announced to the village, at least officially - word has a way of getting around before then. Another celebration is held." Raven watched as her fingers moved up, closer to her heart - also dangerously close to boob territory which was. . . fuck, "and the third spiral is painted on the ninth month, when labor begins."
Raven forced her eyes to snap away from Luna's hand, from temptation. "Let me guess. Another celebration is held?"
Her teeth peeked through her smile. "The biggest yet. It goes for as long as the labor does. Days, sometimes."
"Great. So the one who actually has to do the work of pushing the kid out misses out on all the fun."
Sounded about right.
Luna laughed. It was weaker than normal but still a relief to hear after everything that had happened yesterday. "Trust me. If you've ever given birth, large social gatherings are the last thing on your mind. Sleep on the other hand. . ."
Okay, Raven could see that. "Still doesn't seem fair."
"Well, I've only been a participant in these celebrations, I've never had one thrown for me myself so I can't truly speak to the fairness of it but. . . I think it would be nice. To hear the festivities. The happiness. The welcome that awaits your child. Labor can be lonely. And scary." Luna shrugged. "The celebrations are a reminder that you're not alone. That even if something happens to you, there's an entire village waiting to greet your child. To care for it. . . love it."
There'd been no-one to greet Raven when she came into the world. No-one except a mother who may or may not have wanted her. Who certainly hadn't wanted her once she had her.
Yeah. It sounded nice.
"Did you ever throw any in Floukru?"
Luna's smile returned. "We did. I loved them. So many of our ceremonies and rituals are about death. But this one isn't."
With the way Luna spoke about it. . .
Raven wondered whether this was something she'd ever wanted for herself.
Remembered then the conversation they'd had at the dock.
('I've always loved children. Their gentleness. Their peace. But I refuse to have any of my own. I would never curse someone else with this blood. Not by choice.')
Maybe she did want it. But she would never allow herself to have it.
Except. . .
Except now things were different. Luna's blood was no longer a 'curse' but a miracle. Soon, if they succeeded, everyone would be nightbloods. Maybe that would change things. Change the way she thought about it.
Maybe this would become something she allowed herself to have.
Not now, obviously. But in the future.
Raven liked the thought of that.
Luna having a future filled with something other than death.
Someone to love.
It wasn't something that appealed to Raven personally. That she'd ever want for herself. No way was she going to make the same mistake her mum had and risk becoming a carbon copy of her in the process.
From all that she knew about her family history, generations had more than proved that Reyeses should not reproduce. Never ended well.
It made her wonder how Luna had found the courage to raise Adria, given her own family history. Her own childhood. She hadn't exactly been blessed with any positive role models, either.
How had she not been afraid she would fuck it up?
That she wouldn't just end up destroying the kid she'd once saved?
It was a courage Raven knew she would never find in herself. Shouldn't find.
(the risk was too great)
Whether she wanted kids or not - and she honestly hadn't given it enough thought to know one way or the other - she would never allow herself to have them.
To be selfish in the same way her mother had.
(not that she had to worry about that now.
Can't exactly reproduce when you're dead.)
Luna removed her hand from her stomach, raising it to the center of her forehead - and tugging Raven's attention back to her in the process. "When the baby's born, a triskelion is drawn on its head with charcoal. When it fades away, that's when a name is given. The longer it takes to fade, the longer their life is fated to be." Her smile turned wry. "Superstition. But maybe it holds some truth. Sol's mark faded before mine - my fault. Apparently I wouldn't stop sucking on his face." The upward curve of Luna's lips became an odd mix of bitter and wistful - even amused.
Raven had never seen anything like it.
"How long did yours last?"
"Almost a full day and night. I rubbed it off myself." The amusement in her smile increased, the bitterness fading. "The Fleimkepas were not impressed. Apparently, it's bad form for a novitiate. Messing with a sacred ritual."
Raven snorted. "Should have known you were going to be trouble right then."
Luna's eyes twinkled. "Exactly. They can't say that they weren't forewarned." She paused, some of her humor fading. Dying. "Don't misunderstand me. I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing. I really do. Most of all for the hope it carries but. . . it can be ugly as well. So ugly. . . I've seen that firsthand. Witnessed the wreckage. Some of the most beautiful things in nature are poisonous - have the power to destroy - and this is no exception."
She couldn't help but think of the sea. How beautiful Luna found it - and how dangerous it was to fall into. It was the sea that had swallowed up Atlantis.
(Just a legend, mind you. But a legend that had its basis in fact)
"Not all pregnancies are wanted," Luna continued. "And I think if you're going to offer up your body and your life to someone else. . . then that's something you should have a choice in. But too many don't. There's nothing beautiful about that."
Raven thought grimly of Luna's Conclave. Of the exploitation she'd endured since birth.
She thought of herself and how her mind and body had been forced to play host to A.L.I.E.'s wants and needs. Sure, she'd chosen to take the chip, to be free of pain - but she'd never signed up for that. That had never been her choice.
Not for the first time, Raven wondered whether her own existence had been a choice. Or whether she was merely the result of some failed contraception. Whether that had played a part in how her mother had come to love her.
Or, rather, hadn't come to.
How many times had she complained about what Raven had done to her body during those nine months, the devastation she'd wreaked upon it? Rant after rant after rant.
Raven could still remember the disgust that had coated her tone. The resentment.
Whatever Luna's beliefs, pregnancy wasn't about love. It was about giving yourself over as a vessel to some being you might not even have had a choice in making. Parasitic, her mother had called it once.
Yeah. There was nothing beautiful about that.
"I've seen what pregnancy does to the body. To the mind. It's a complete invasion of your entire being," Luna said, as though she had read her thoughts. Wrenched the memory from her past. ". . . It changes you. Physically. Mentally. And those changes can be permanent. Some of them are permanent. . . that's not something anyone should have to endure unless they absolutely wish to."
Too fucking right. If this past year had taught her anything it was that not having control over your own body. . . sucked.
No, more than sucked.
It was torturous.
"And no-one should be forced to have a child they don't want."
Raven scowled down at her hands. "And no kid should have to be born who isn't wanted."
People always forgot that part. About the mess that was left behind when all was said and done. The collateral damage.
She'd never asked to be born. Yet it was something she'd been paying for all her life. Was expected to pay for - and be grateful in the process.
Like her mum and the universe had given her a gift, rather than something she'd had to learn from the very first breath how to endure.
"No. They shouldn't," Luna murmured, and Raven was glad she was still looking down, still focused on her hands. She could feel Luna's eyes on her. Feared that if she glanced up, she'd see far too much knowing directed back at her. Far too much understanding. She hadn't meant to reveal anything about herself with that statement. Still hoped that she hadn't. "Though, I can't say it's something I'm personally familiar with. My issue has always been people wanting me too much."
Lucky you.
Okay, that was unfair. And there was nothing lucky about the kind of want that had stalked Luna through her life - had possibly even led to the creation of that life. And, hell, if Raven was right about her mum only having her for rations - for what she could provide - then she could relate to the pain that came with being wanted in that way too.
Wanted for how you could be used rather than just for you.
Still, she'd rather move on from this part of the conversation now. She'd thought enough about her mum and their history already in the last twenty-four hours. She wasn't looking for more poisoned food to chew on.
Her saving grace came in the form of a sharp stab to her temple. Raven winced, pressing her fingers to it with her other hand. The headache had been building since yesterday and for the most part it had become background noise. Except for in moments like these when it felt like a mini Lexa was using her face as a stomping ground.
"Okay?" Luna asked.
Raven nodded, lowering her hand. "Fine. Probably just a little dehydrated."
"Probably." The agreement came easily, not a trace of doubt in the gentleness of Luna's tone. Raven knew she didn't believe her, though. Was grateful she let the illusion survive nonetheless.
Still, she reached for her glass and took a sip to sell the act. A dull ache remained, gnawing at the side of her head - and she knew it wasn't something that water could fix. That anything could.
"You seem to know a lot about it. The whole," Raven's tongue twisted as she hid a grimace, "pregnancy thing."
Luna's mouth twitched, a gleam in her eyes. "It's not a bad word."
"Yeaaaaah, I'd say the jury's still out on that."
Way out.
Luna chuckled. Low, barely audible. But the sound smoothed over Raven's frayed nerves, the scars that had started to ache. She closed her eyes for a moment, lingering in the sound, hoping to prolong the comfort. But too soon it ended. Luna quietened.
When she opened her eyes, Luna's fingers were rubbing over the surface of her hand, a certain tension to the movement. Raven wondered whether she was missing the gloves that usually sheltered them. ". . . one of my closest friends in Floukru, Anora - she was a midwife. Before she died, she taught me everything she knew." Luna glanced away, reaching for her glass. "It was a nice change. Learning how to help bring life into the world rather than hasten it on its way out."
Raven made a point of studying the bed cover. "I'll bet."
"I doubt I'll have any use for that knowledge in the future, though."
She glanced up, jaw tightening at the bitter shadow in Luna's eyes, hidden behind false brightness. Raven was getting better at spotting that falseness now. The cracks. Doubted anyone else could.
"We'll find a way to make nightblood." The assurance was stronger today, even if her belief wasn't.
Luna wet her lips. "Even if we do, Raven. . . what person wants to bring a child into a dead world?"
"Well," she shrugged, "it's not like it would be the first time. Or else none of us would be here now. Trust me, we're going to find you lots of pregnant chicks to do gross things with."
Luna snorted. "That's certainly the least flattering - yet most colorful - description of being a midwife I've heard."
"Well, I'm kind of just guessing here. Don't really know what goes into it. Except the whole," she grimaced, "birth part. Which is very gross."
"It's actually an amazing thing to witness."
Raven shook her head, reaching out to grip Luna's hand before she could think better of it. The contact only made her feel partially like she was on fire. Progress. "Trust me when I say this is one thing you'll never be able to convince me of. I respect your weird little fascination with it all - but it's still really fucking weird and absolutely not for me."
Luna laughed. It lacked its usual vibrancy but Raven smiled at the sound, chest filling to uncomfortable degrees. "Then I suppose I probably shouldn't tell you what we do with the wodacreidel."
"The what?"
"Placenta."
Raven paled. "Pl. . . Placenta?"
Her horror was soon eclipsed by the ecstatic leap her heart made at the delighted laugh that escaped Luna's lips.
This one was stronger.
Filling the emptiness of the room and overwhelming Raven's senses. Impossible to block out. Her heart jolted in her chest, then squeezed tight, heat flooding her veins. She couldn't blame the burning under her skin on arousal this time, couldn't blame it on anything other than the sheer joy in Luna's voice, flowing from her eyes.
When Raven unintentionally caught them, she had to look away.
It was too much.
Luna was too much.
A fact she was becoming more and more aware of as the days went on.
Jesus.
It was just a laugh.
(but nobody's laugh had ever affected her like this)
She swallowed, counting down the seconds until it ceased - yearning for the silence as much as she dreaded it.
Too slowly - too quickly. . . things quietened.
In the end, it had probably only been a moment. A few seconds. But those seconds had been permanently emblazoned on Raven's memory.
(she didn't think she'd ever forget the sound of Luna's laugh.
Not now)
The gentle graze of a thumb drew her attention to the fact that she was still holding Luna's hand. Had forgotten to let go. Fuck. Gently, she extricated herself from her grip.
Too much.
Raven cleared her throat. "Yeah, I think I'd probably faint if I ever had to help out with something like that."
Luna chuckled, and if she noticed her discomfort she was kind enough not to shine a light on it. "Are you that squeamish?"
"More like that terrified. There are limits to how much pressure I can cope with - and pregnancy and childbirth definitely surpass them."
"I'll keep that in mind." Luna's grin was infectious. Raven couldn't help returning it, in spite of the nerves still trembling inside her. But Luna was hard to resist. Had always been hard to resist.
(in so many ways)
"You really like it?"
"I do." Luna's smile softened. "It's. . . beautiful. There's nothing like it in the world."
Yeah, well, Raven bet it couldn't hold a candle to spacewalking.
"Might have to agree to disagree with you there."
This was one facet of Luna she'd probably never be able to understand. But then she doubted Luna could understand her love for technology, either. Or how much Raven still hungered for that weightless feeling of floating through space.
At least her passions weren't liable to leave her covered in blood and feces.
Luna's smile still held strong, though it was smaller now, more tender. Or maybe wistful. "You know, there's this moment of peace after it's all over. When that baby is placed in your arms for the first time, after all the struggle, pain and fear have ended, where the future doesn't exist yet. Time stands still and there's just you - and them. Your child. This beautiful, unique being that you created. And just for that moment everything is okay. Everything is peaceful. . . I love seeing that."
Raven wondered whether such a moment had existed for her mother.
Couldn't decide what answer she would prefer.
To know that, even right from the beginning, she hadn't been enough. Or that she had been.
But only for a moment.
"The first time I. . ." Luna trailed off, expression lost on something far off. "It's what made me believe that peace was possible. That everything I'd known, everything I'd seen. . . maybe that wasn't all I'd ever know or see. There's no war or death inside that moment. No violence. Just hope. And love. And if something can exist for a moment. . . then it can exist for longer than a moment. You're holding an entire world in your arms. A world of possibility. Wouldn't you want to work to preserve it rather than destroy it? We're not born with a sword in our hands. We pick it up, or its placed there. Somewhere along the way. . . but that doesn't have to happen." Luna looked down. "Or at least, that's what I hoped. Believed. Still believe. Sometimes."
"I like it," Raven said softly, waiting for their eyes to meet. For her to look up. "I like what you believe."
Had never witnessed it in anyone else.
Especially not in someone who had every reason not to believe. In some ways, the most breathtaking thing about Luna's belief was that she was the one who held it. After everything she'd seen and done. Everything she'd been through.
Raven didn't know how she'd ever come to believe that peace was possible. Let alone decided to reach for it.
Luna smiled slowly. "Me too."
Their gazes held for a moment, a moment too long to be comfortable - but it took all of that moment for Raven to find the will to look away, clear her throat. She straightened. "Can't really get on board with how you came about that belief, though. Still can't see the magic in all. . ." She scrunched up her nose, making a vague circle with her hand, "that."
Luna's eyes glowed with warmth. "Well, as I said. It's not for everyone. . . and it didn't always feel good, of course." Her smile dimmed. "Not all pregnancies make it to term, and not all births end happily. Those days were hard. But the days that weren't more than made up for them. And there were so many days that weren't."
Yeah. Raven suspected that all it would take was one bad day to put her off for life. She thought it had to take a certain amount of courage - and hope - to continue on even after you'd seen the worst. Seen just how badly things could turn out.
So of course Luna had.
"Do you wish that you could have kids? I mean, is that something that you want?" Raven was fairly certain she already knew the answer, wasn't sure why she bothered to ask. Only that 'fairly certain' wasn't 'completely certain'. And, depending on Luna's answer, she wouldn't mind planting a few seeds for the future in her head. A few seeds of hope.
The long silence that greeted her made her wonder if she'd overstepped, though.
"I had Adria," Luna said finally. "She was all I could ever want and more." Raven hid a wince. Luna shifted, leaning forward slightly over her knees. "But if you're asking me whether I wish that passing on this blood to another wasn't a possibility. . . then yes. Without question." She shrugged. "But there's no use wishing for impossible things. And I've always been content just helping others on that journey."
Raven knew she wouldn't get any more of an answer than that. "Quite a journey."
"Mmm. And one you need all the help you can get on. . . Though sometimes no help is enough. Pregnancy is such a dangerous time for my people," Luna said, deftly shifting the topic away from Raven's question. Nice one. That shift might have been seamless, if not for the fact that she'd sensed the unease Luna hadn't been able hide. "The birth in particular. Many die. It's considered an honorable death. A sacrifice. Sacrifices are always honorable to my people." Her mouth twisted slightly.
Raven remembered then that Luna's own mother had died in childbirth. Wondered how she'd ever come to see any beauty in it at all after that.
('I never wanted anyone to die for me.')
She hadn't just been talking about Nyko and her brother, Raven realized. The only reason Luna existed in the first place was because her mother had died. The very act of her first breath had cost someone else theirs.
From where Raven was sitting the sacrifice had been more than worth it. But she doubted Luna saw it that way. Raven wouldn't have.
"Anora once said that childbirth is the most formidable arena of battle there is. That people don't just go to war to take life but to give it."
"What do you think?"
Luna considered the question. "I think it would be better that we didn't have to go to war at all. I've never understood why creating life is so much harder than destroying it. Though maybe that's best. The universe's way of preventing more suffering. Life is full of suffering." She wet her lips. "But if that is the universe's intention, then its method is incredibly cruel. A lot of children die during birth. Or in the days or year after. Surviving infancy is difficult."
Raven wondered if that was the reason she had yet to see any Grounder kids. Maybe there weren't all that many to see.
It was a chilling thought.
"That sucks."
"It does. I don't see the point in conceiving life just so it can suffer and die in barely a blink."
"You mean like nightbloods?"
It was a stab in the dark.
But after a long moment, Luna nodded, the action barely visible. There was a darkness to her gaze that might have been bitterness. Might have been anger. "Most nightbloods are born for nothing else. No-one expects more than one of us to survive. Nobody wants more than one of us to." Her mouth twisted a moment before she looked away. "It's cruel. And such a waste."
"Yeah. It is." Raven had nothing else to say. And apologizing for the crimes of humanity, of the universe, felt horribly inadequate. All she could do was agree. Share in that anger and condemnation.
And, God, did she share in it.
Raven wasn't sure she'd ever hated anyone as much as she did the people who had chosen to do this. Chosen to do it to Luna.
And she hadn't even met them. Never would.
After a long beat, Luna's gaze found her again. And Raven thought there might be something like appreciation in it. Gratitude, maybe. But couldn't be sure.
"I'm sorry," Raven said, despite the uselessness of the phrase. Because she thought that someone should. Someone should say that to Luna. Even if she wasn't the right person for the job.
"This is nothing for you to be sorry for," she murmured. "But I appreciate the sentiment. . . You know, we had a stillbirth in Floukru a couple of years ago. One of only two deaths we ever experienced before- well." She looked away. "Even before this year, I'd seen a lot of death. A lot of grief. But that was. . ."
"Were you the one who. . .?"
"Performed the delivery?" She shook her head. "I only assisted. The instant Anora saw that things weren't quite right, she took over. I'm grateful for that. I think if she hadn't, I never would have been able to believe I wasn't somehow responsible. She told me later that she knew that. Knew that there was nothing, at that point, that she could do which I couldn't. Knew that I was just as capable of saving that baby's life - if it could be saved. She'd taught me well. But she also knew I wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. Not then. And that I would benefit more from watching her demonstration, so that I would better know how to shoulder that responsibility in the future. Know what to do. What to say. . . Though there's not really anything you can say to someone who's just lost a child. It's not a loss words can touch. . . Your world is dead in your arms. And nothing will ever bring it back."
Something Luna now knew personally.
Raven's heart squeezed.
"She sounds like a good friend."
"She was." Luna smiled small, eyes sad before she looked away. "She had a daughter. Flo. I've never seen a baby with so many smiles and giggles - probably just gas," Luna's mouth inched up, "but I loved to watch her. To see that joy."
"I'm guessing she. . .?"
"Yes."
Raven swallowed. It was hard to stomach. The thought of a baby enduring the same death - the same level of suffering - that she'd seen the remaining Floukru members endure. It had been hard enough watching that happen to a kid.
Raven had never seen a baby die.
Hoped it was something she would never have to see.
How many babies had Luna watched die? How many kids?
(no wonder she had nightmares)
"That's. . ."
Again she had no words. Only this time not even a feeble apology could make its way past her lips.
Luna wasn't looking at her, anyway. Didn't seem to be paying her any attention at all. Her gaze was lost somewhere over Raven's shoulder, at the empty space behind her. Slowly, a hand returned to her stomach, started drawing out that familiar pattern from before. "Those who've lost a child often have the symbol permanently etched onto their skin - here. A mark that functions as proof of what is no longer there. . . what will never be there again." Her other hand rose to the shell, resting against her chest.
Raven wondered if she would have gotten such a mark for Adria, if she didn't already have one on her back. Was that allowed? If you hadn't actually carried the child inside you?
Raven thought it should be.
Grief was grief.
And a mother was a mother.
A/N: I have a lot of FEELINGS about Luna always being wanted too much and Raven never being wanted enough, and yet they each want each other in the way that they deserve to be wanted. That's soulmates, folks.
so this chapter was largely inspired by a few stray sentences I came across about how the triskellion can represent pregnancy and things snowballed from there. Believe it or not I wrote the draft for this BEFORE all the shit that's gone down with reproductive rights in the United States. Free will/choice - particularly when it comes to one's body and life - is a central theme in this fic and I was interested in exploring how that would play out in Luna's culture and her own life when considering pregnancy, the circumstances of her own birth, etc. It's also important to Raven's character given her history with her mother. It's a pivotal issue for both of them. So there is going to be more on this throughout the story and it weaves into a crucial plot point later on.
