'Caught in the thought of that time
When everything was fine, everything was mine
Everything was fine, everything was mine. . .'
- All the King's Horses by Karmina
Adria was born the year of Luna's Conclave, as though she was intended to be some kind of consolation from the universe.
(she was)
"My mother said it was a good omen. That I must have an important destiny," Adria said as they went about cleaning and gutting the fish that had been brought in that morning. At seven, she was still a little clumsy with a knife but growing more confident every day.
Luna's lips pursed. "I'm not sure I'd call a Conclave that."
Nor was she particularly pleased by the notion of Adria having a destiny - of any kind. In her experience, destinies were fickle beasts liable to eat you alive.
Adria's face fell and regret swarmed her heart.
"But I'm sure she was right, my love." Luna smiled, touching a hand to her cheek, mouth curving higher as she squirmed away from her slimy hold. "Of course you're meant for great things."
She'd healed Luna's heart, after all.
There was nothing short of a miracle in that.
Adria pursed her lips. "I'm not sure I would like to be meant for great things. That sounds like a lot of work. But I would not mind being meant for some things." She looked up at Luna curiously. "What about you?"
"I don't want to be meant for anything at all." In fact, the idea that she could be was a nauseating one. "But," Luna took a breath, "if I must be meant for something, then I would like it to be for this moment. Here with you."
Adria scrunched up her face. "Gutting fish?"
A smile broke her face. "Preferably, yes."
She shook her head, returning to her task. "Derrick is right. You're a little weird."
Luna laughed. "Too weird for your important company?"
"No. Weird people need friends too." Adria nodded to herself, set on her path. "I will be your less weird friend to balance out your weirdness."
Luna's cheeks hurt as she fought down a smile. "How very generous of you."
She nodded. "Yes. It is."
"When did Derrick say this?" Luna might just give him a face full of fish slime later for the cheek.
"All the time. He says it all the time. He says, 'Luna. . . she's a little weird' whenever you do something odd. Which is often."
Luna snorted. "Oh, is it?"
Adria, however, took the question very seriously. "Yes." She shrugged. "But we don't mind that about you."
"Well, perhaps I am normal and it is everyone else who is weird."
Adria gave this the proper consideration it deserved. "No. You're weird."
Luna laughed, setting down her knife and reaching for her. The girl's eyes widened and she ducked out of the way.
"Can't I get a hug?"
"No, you're slimy!"
As though Adria hadn't chased after her with slimy hands a thousand times herself, seeking to contaminate all that she could touch.
"But my feelings are hurt. I need a hug to heal them."
"Lies!"
She darted to the left, letting out a squeak as Luna caught her. "I'm being attacked!"
She chuckled, drawing Adria onto her lap and sealing her in a hold. She wriggled like a worm, kicking her legs. Luna winced as a shoe caught her calf. Strong little legs.
"An octopus! I have been taken by an octopus!" Her protests soon turned to giggles as Luna nuzzled into her neck, tickling the skin there. "No, no stop."
Luna did so, softening the attack with a kiss. "I love you." She caught the edge of Adria's grin before she settled back against her chest, working to regain her breath. "Do you love me, even though I'm weird and covered in slime?"
She felt a sharp nod against her face. "Yes."
"You do?"
"Uh-huh. Somebody has to."
Luna snorted, pressing a kiss into her hair. "Is that so?"
"Yes. Weird people need love too." Adria craned her head, face a mask of solemnity - though she could see a smile struggling to peek out. "And you're weirder than most. So you also need more love than most. Lots of love. But that's okay." She touched Luna's cheek, smile finally being granted release. "Because I love you a lot."
She swallowed, sweeping back some hair from Adria's face. "You do, do you?"
She nodded, grin still in place as she raised her arms. "It's a very big love."
"How big?"
Adria pondered this for a moment. She looked around, brow knitting together, before she caught the ocean to their side. Beaming, she threw out her arms, "As big as the sea!"
Luna laughed. "That's very big."
"It is."
Leaning forward, she touched her nose to Adria's. "Do you want to know a secret?"
She nodded.
"I love you as big as the sky."
Adria frowned. "But the sky doesn't end."
"And neither does my love for you."
She smiled, slowly at first, tentatively, and then it was rushing out, flooding to cover the full expanse of her face. "Well then I love you as big as the sea and the sky." She leaned in close to whisper in Luna's ear. "Don't try to beat me."
Chuckling, she tugged Adria in, sealing her in a hug. "Alright. I won't."
But I love you as big as the world.
"Good." Arms came up to wrap around Luna's neck as Adria burrowed into her hold.
She lingered in the warmth of her, the smell of fish and salt and home. Fingers played with her hair, coiling and uncoiling strands. She closed her eyes against the feeling, sealing it to memory.
"Luna?"
"Yes?"
"I know what you were meant for."
She stilled. "And what's that?"
"You were meant to love me." Adria said it so simply, as though it could only be fact.
(and it was)
Swallowing back the sting in her eyes, she tightened her hold, drawing Adria closer to her heart - where Luna prayed she would never leave. "Well, that is a very great thing to be meant for."
'Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?'
- by The Flaming Lips
Raven didn't know what to do. Should she mention any of the shit that had happened last night? More specifically the guilt-laden confessions that had tumbled from the grip of Luna's mouth when she'd been near delirious with sickness. If it were Raven, that'd be the last thing she'd want. Hell, she'd probably die of embarrassment. Or shame.
Not that Luna had anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about but. . .
Raven just knew that, if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't be at all comfortable with someone having viewed her in such a raw and vulnerable state.
Then again this was Luna. Maybe she wouldn't care.
No, she'd definitely care. Only two days ago she'd talked about how important she considered being careful with her words to be. Well, she hadn't been at all careful last night. Courtesy of a raging fever.
Luna hadn't seemed uncomfortable during their earlier conversations today. But maybe that was simply because she didn't remember. Didn't remember everything that had been said. Everything that had happened.
And maybe that was a good thing. Maybe the kindest course of action Raven could take in this instance was to let it rest. Abstain from mentioning it.
A little hard to do when she still had the sight of Luna's agonized expression burned into her memory.
She'd been doing her best not to think about last night since waking up. That absolutely horrifying conversation about pregnancy and childbirth had been suitably distracting. But now, here they sat. In silence. Awkward silence.
Or at least, awkward on Raven's end.
Luna seemed oblivious to the tension, attention fastened on the strands of thread in her hands as she carefully weaved them together.
Upon request, Emori had retrieved Adria's bag from Luna's room and, by her estimation, this was the eighth bracelet she'd started working on since.
Raven suspected she was going a little stir-crazy.
Understandably. Another day had almost passed and they were still stuck inside this increasingly claustrophobic room.
She shifted, trying to make her brain take in the information on the tablet in front of her. Another one of Becca's reports. The words bled together, mixing with the pounding in her head.
The day's headache had yet to abate.
Absently rubbing her temple, she exited out of the file. Maybe a different report would hold her attention better. Trying to block out the sound of Luna's light humming - because apparently that was something she did during arts and crafts - Raven ran her finger across the display, accidentally grazing the wrong folder. Instantly, a face filled the screen.
Oops.
Raven went to close the folder again-
Hesitated.
It was a nice picture. It had to be said. Raven wasn't particularly gifted with photography but that hardly mattered when the subject of choice was one Luna kom Floukru. Unthinkingly, she traced a finger over a crinkled brow, amusement filling her chest at the adorable scrunch.
"Raven?"
She jolted, nearly dropping the tablet as her head whipped up. "Uh huh?"
Shit, shit, shit.
Glancing back down, she hastily exited out of the folder, hoping Luna hadn't caught sight of the screen. The photo itself wasn't incriminating - and in any other context, Raven would have gotten a kick out of teasing Luna about it - but making moon eyes at that photo ought to land her a one-way ticket to the Sky Box.
Shit.
"Something wrong?" Raven breathed.
Did she need to get Abby?
Luna considered her. "I was about to ask you the same thing. You seem. . . a little awkward."
"Who? Me? Awkward? No."
Smooth, Reyes. Very smooth.
God, this woman had turned her into a bumbling buffoon. All her confidence and suave had hightailed it out the window. Rocketed up into space. Sayonara.
She'd become Jasper.
(oh, God)
Luna smiled a little. "Listen, I may not remember much from last night, but I know I probably said some things. Unfiltered things. I hope I didn't say anything to upset you."
"Hell no," Raven burst out before a response had even properly formed in her thoughts. Because that was just- no. "You were fine."
The responding rise of Luna's eyebrow translated she was far from convinced. "Are you sure?"
"Very."
"Then why the awkwardness?"
Well, I just spent the last few minutes staring like an idiot at an adorable photo of your sleeping face - which, if Murphy were to weigh in, would probably count as stalker behavior.
Yeah. She was keeping that one to herself.
Besides, she'd been feeling a hell of a lot awkward even before then and she suspected it was this, rather than her most recent embarrassing mishap, that had caught Luna's notice.
Raven blew out a breath. "Honestly?"
"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't interested in an honest answer."
She had a point.
Still, Raven hesitated. "You did say some stuff." No need to get into what kind of stuff. "And I'm just not sure it's stuff you'd have been comfortable with saying - with me knowing - if you hadn't been sick. I didn't want to make things awkward."
Luna's smile reappeared, growing larger than before. "You didn't want to make things awkward?"
"Um. . . yep?"
She let out a breath, ducking her head as her cheeks grew taut with a grin. "I think you might want to work on that."
Raven snorted, then bit her lip. "Yeah, probably."
"You've been silent for over an hour."
"It hasn't been that long."
Had it?
"And you were squirming so much that I thought you might be covered in ants."
Raven flushed.
"I'm very pleased to learn that wasn't in fact the case. I think a colony of ants is the last thing our situation needs. Especially since some of them have been known to eat human flesh."
Well, that was. . . horrifying.
"Yeah, no. . . no ants here."
Unless you counted the ones that had been tap dancing on her heart back when she was staring at that stupid photo.
Luna hid a smile and glanced up from her bracelet, expression softening. "I appreciate the sensitivity, Raven. And the concern. . . but it's okay."
She raised an eyebrow. "It is?"
She still felt somewhat skeptical.
Raven certainly wouldn't be okay if it was her guts that had been spilled out into the open. Free to be rifled through.
"It is," Luna confirmed. "I'm not going to lie and say that I would have said those things if I hadn't been sick. But I'm not upset that you heard them." She paused. "Though I am sorry for the fact that you had to. It wasn't fair to you. Especially since you were sick yourself."
Raven's brow furrowed. "I didn't mind. And I was in much better shape than you."
Luna didn't look convinced. "Alright."
She shifted, hesitating. "You know, you can unload on me a little. It's not like I've never done it to you."
"I know." But her smile didn't reach her eyes.
Okay, they'd work on that.
"How much do you even remember?"
"Bits and pieces. Enough. Some of it gets hazy." Luna's eyes grew warm. "I can remember you. And being grateful for you. Very grateful. . . you made things much easier."
Raven doubted that.
Easier would have been offering the comfort that Luna had so clearly craved. Needed. Easier would have been getting over her own fear, her own shit, and wrapping her arms around her. Holding her.
She'd needed to be held.
"Stop."
Raven blinked. "Stop what?"
"Thinking."
Okay. . .
"Um, have you met me?"
Luna bit her lip on a grin. "I just mean. . . I can tell that whatever it is you're thinking isn't leading anywhere good."
Raven clenched her jaw, skin flaming as she bent her head over her tablet. "You can tell that, huh?"
"Mmm." She could hear the smile in her voice, the amusement. "I'm thanking you, Raven. That shouldn't lead to such bad thoughts."
Shouldn't it?
"Take the thanks. Please."
Raven chewed the inside of her cheek.
"It would certainly make me feel better about what happened last night. I'd hate to think that something I said, or something I did, is the reason for those bad thoughts."
Inwardly groaning, and knowing she was being manipulated but entirely unable to resist this particular ploy, Raven looked up.
Luna's eyes twinkled back at her, a definite edge of mischief to her small smile.
"That's an entirely unfair tactic."
"But did it work?"
Raven grumbled but surrendered a nod.
She grinned. "Good."
Smug little-
"You're not the reason," Raven said, just in case a part of Luna had been serious. That wasn't a belief she wanted to let thrive.
"The signs would point to otherwise." And although there was a shadow of something - guilt? - in Luna's eyes, she continued to smile. "You should probably stay away from those bad thoughts from now on if you want to convince me otherwise."
Raven narrowed her eyes. "You're a little manipulative, you know that?"
"I know." She shrugged, the brightness on her face unfailing. "It's one of those skills I was taught as a child that I can now use for good - or evil. I think this is good."
She huffed. "Well, you would think that."
"I would." Her smile softened. "Mostly because you don't look so sad anymore."
"I wasn't sad," Raven muttered, bowing over her tablet again. "I was just. . . frustrated."
"Okay."
"And now I just happen to be frustrated for an entirely different reason." She sent Luna a pointed look. Got an utterly unrepentant one back. In fact, one might even argue that she appeared rather smug.
"Ah. I'd apologize but according to Titus I was born frustrating, so it can't be helped."
Raven rolled her eyes. "Not so sure I like being compared to Titus."
"Oh, he wasn't the only one who found me frustrating," she said breezily. "That was quite a common complaint from Lexa as well."
She paused. Squinted. "You realize that's worse, right? Are you trying to make me feel like crap?"
Luna smirked.
No, she was trying to distract her, Raven realized. Distract her - and make her feel better in the process.
Which. . . she now realized that she kind of did. A lot better.
Well, that 's annoying.
Despite her obvious lightness, though, Raven couldn't help but notice the dark shadows under Luna's eyes, the drawn nature of her skin.
And the darkening marks on her neck.
Should have gotten that necklace off sooner.
Raven hesitated, touching a hand to her own neck. "How's the. . .?"
Luna paused, just for the briefest of moments, mask slipping, before her mouth found a smile again. "It's fine."
"Really? Because it looks fucking painful."
"Well, it's a little painful. But I've had worse." That is not comforting, that is very much not comforting - do you not understand how very not comforting that is? "And I'm honestly just glad that the worst of the sickness seems to have passed." She gestured airily at her neck, "This will fade in time. And then it will be like it never happened at all. . . which makes it a rarity among most injuries I receive."
Raven bit her tongue. "You should put something on it to help with the bruising."
Because all signs suggested that it most definitely would bruise.
Luna smiled. "Already thought of. Emori is going to bring something later. Abby didn't have anything but antiseptic on hand, which she did make me use this morning. Just in case of infection."
"Right."
Which meant that Raven didn't have anything else to offer.
Putting her back to square one. Feeling nothing but fucking useless. And guilty.
Biting her lip, Raven made a decision. Standing up, she traveled the minute distance to the chair still pushed up against Luna's bed. Took a seat.
Luna looked pleased by the increased proximity, which had been the goal. It wasn't the hug she'd failed to provide last night, but it was an elimination of most of the distance between them.
It was something. Something that Raven didn't have to struggle through to give.
(she wanted to be closer as well)
"How's your hip?"
Raven's eyes widened, feeling oddly betrayed by the question. She'd kind of hoped by now Luna would have learned it was off-limits. "Why?"
Luna smiled teasingly. "Well, I thought we were taking turns asking about each other's injuries."
She scowled. "Yeah, except mine's an old injury."
"The old can still hurt. Sometimes the old hurts just as much as the new. Sometimes even more. Pain is messy like that." The curve of her mouth grew more gentle, the lethality fading. She tapped her throat. "This hurts less than what it reminds me of."
Raven frowned, not liking the thought of anything hurting Luna. Though she also couldn't deny a niggling of curiosity. "And what's that?"
Her smile was weak. "It's not a nice story. And I'd rather not give the memory any more of a foothold right now."
Raven nodded softly. "I get that."
"I know you do." There was gratitude in Luna's eyes, dampened by a sad sort of understanding. To be honest, a part of her was relieved that Luna wished to keep this to herself. A part of her didn't want to hear any more of her pain. Her ears were still echoing with all she'd heard last night. "And if you don't want to talk about your hip, I won't push. I just doubt this has been easy. Being sick has never helped anyone's pain."
Raven relaxed infinitesimally.
"No. Not easy. But I kind of think it was harder on you - having to share a bed with Murphy and all that."
Luna chuckled. "It really wasn't the ordeal you keep making it out to be."
"Only because you're weird. For anyone else it would be enough to earn a year in therapy."
Luna's smile dampened, an odd expression overcoming her face - before it quickly faded from existence. "Well, I may be a little weird, but I don't think that has much to do with not minding John's company."
"Nooo, I'm pretty sure it has everything to do with it. That and you're too nice."
Luna rolled her eyes, looking away as her mouth curved into a wry smile. "I don't think there are very many who would consider me too nice. With good reason."
"I mean, you started a peace-loving cul-" Shit, "-clan. I think nice is definitely something people would have used to describe you."
Luna's eyes narrowed a moment. Like she'd caught the slip and knew exactly what she'd been about the say. Oops. "Not your people."
"Well, we've been known to be quite stupid," she said easily, watching Luna's mouth tick up slightly. "And I wouldn't say that we made the best impression either. Definitely not a 'nice' one."
Raven wasn't sure she'd ever forgive herself for pointing that gun at her. Knew she wouldn't, in fact. They didn't have that kind of time.
Luna hummed, gaze drifting down as she massaged her neck. "You know. . . I can remember what you said. About my blood. How it's not the only thing that makes me worth something to people-"
"It's not."
Luna's mouth rose faintly, though her gaze stayed fastened on the threads in her hand. "I know." Raven eased slightly. "My clan never cared about what I was. Derrick and Adria. . . my blood meant nothing to them." She looked up, expression indecipherable. "But it meant something to Nyko. He cared about my blood."
She wasn't surprised to find that Luna's thoughts were still lingering on the healer after their conversation yesterday.
"Yeah. He did." Raven wasn't going to insult her by denying it. "But I have a feeling not even half as much as he cared about you."
"I think I know that too." She smiled weakly. "It just gets hard to believe. Sometimes. He helped me after my Conclave. Chose me. Not my blood. But in this situation. . . I want to believe that he would have made the same choice you did. That he would never have made me a prisoner. . . I don't think he would have. But I don't know." She looked back down at her hands.
Raven had some understanding of what that was like. Not knowing if the people who loved you would actually choose you. Pick you first. Place your needs above the rest. It wasn't the same, of course, but still. . . she could kind of understand.
Sometimes it wasn't enough to be loved.
Sometimes you needed more than that.
"I only came to this island for him," Luna added, before looking up, into her eyes. "Did you know that? He asked me to. And after everything he'd done for me. . . how could I say no? And how could I turn away from the one chance I had to save his life? The way he saved mine. But that was for nothing." She wet her lips. "I didn't want him to die for me. I wish he hadn't."
Raven hesitated before reaching out and placing a hand over her closed fist. She worked her mouth a moment, all words coming up useless. "I know."
But I 'm so glad he did.
So glad I get to touch you. Here. Now.
So glad I get to know you.
Luna gazed down at their hands, not moving. "Maybe my blood can save everyone. . . but not the people that I care about. The people I love. It's never been capable of that. All it's ever done is get them killed."
Raven winced. "Yeah, that's. . ." She grimaced, because really what could she say? "Brutal."
Luna snorted, some lightness returning to her features as she shifted in Raven's hold, fingers coming up to seal around hers. "That's one word for it."
"I could think of some more colorful ones, if you like. Though they might insult your delicate sensibilities."
Luna's eyes creased, lips rising faintly. "Very kind of you. But I think we'll let them rest for now."
"Your choice."
"Mmm."
After a moment, Luna set her bracelet aside and started moving to lie down. She kept her grip on Raven's hand, though, and - given the nature of the conversation - she couldn't find it within herself to loosen that grip on her own. Draw free.
If Luna wanted to hold her hand, she could damn well hold her hand. After failing so miserably last night to give her the comfort she needed, Raven was not going to deprive her of this.
(and maybe she wanted to hold her hand too. Maybe she needed this just as much as her)
Luna settled against her pillow and, in an effort to avoid the tenderness in her gaze, Raven glanced down. At their joined hands.
(a sight only slightly more merciful)
Without thinking, her thumb grazed the outer surface of Luna's hand in a soothing motion. Thinking of what else had come up during that discussion yesterday. Her promise. "Listen, I know you don't want me to save you, if it ever comes to it that is. . ."
Luna tensed.
"And I respect that. I get it too. But I still reserve the right if there's no risk to my life, okay?"
The tension faded in her grip, Luna's mouth rising faintly. "Only if I have that same right."
Sure. What the hell? Not like Raven was going to give her many opportunities between now and her speedily approaching demise.
"Deal." She leaned back in her chair. "Not sure what you're expecting to happen on this island, though. Compared to the rest of the ground, it's safe as houses."
Luna's smile fell. "Nowhere's safe."
She sighed, rolling away to face the wall, hand falling free from Raven's grip.
Eyes widening, she clenched her fingers, feeling the loss. Tried not to take it as a rejection.
"Not even the sea."
Okay, so she'd kind of put her foot in that. "Well, I mean, apart from a few homicidal drones, think this island might be as safe as it comes."
"Maybe. If all of us weren't here. Nowhere's safe where there are people."
"Well, that's bleak."
"But true." Luna sighed. "I'm going to rest for a bit, okay?"
Raven hesitated. She'd been wanting Luna to rest for some time now. Had noticed the way her energy seemed to be flagging as the day went on. Only, she didn't feel entirely comfortable with leaving the conversation as it was. Still. . . Luna needed her rest. And she might even feel better - more optimistic, less doom and gloom - after she'd had some. "Okay."
There was no response.
Swallowing, Raven pushed back her chair. Trying to be quiet, to not grate the legs across the floor. But, still, a screech rang out in the silence.
Luna flinched but didn't turn around. Didn't speak.
Swallowing, Raven took a seat on her bed, picking up her tablet. Tried to focus on it.
Tried not to feel the emptiness in the room.
The chill.
She'd done something. And she wasn't even entirely sure what. Only that it had been a mistake.
She'd made a mistake.
Shit.
A/N: So I've actually been working on a luna fanvid to 'all the king's horses' since last year but life's gotten in the way. I do plan on finishing it eventually though :)
