CHAPTER XXXIX
Sacrifice.
That's what his friend proffered in absolute calm regarding their current pathetic situation, reinforcing the idea of feeling like a bunch of mice cornered by one big, famished, alley cat.
"It's like you said…" he heard him say with a tone that was nothing like him, so full of resignation "Either way, most of us will die" Erwin declared, facing him again, for the first time showing real, deep misery in his eyes "No… it's almost guaranteed we'll be all wiped out".
Levi stared inquisitively at that thoughtful expression, hiding the displeasure caused by the idea of accepting the inevitable yet there was no other way out of this jam, and the two knew it.
From one moment to the next, his friend started walking in the opposite direction to where the frightened group of rookies and horses, although, judging by the reluctance his face showed, it looked as if he was still trying to convince himself to do it. But why? Did he feared dying? No. It couldn't be that. It made no sense coming from him, who'd taught regret past mistakes changed nothing, nor to waste time wavering decisions that would claim more lives otherwise. Then, why? he wondered as he followed the Commander in silence to listen the general strategy which Erwin evidently saw happening in his head as he kept talking more to himself, like any other day inside his office while evaluating the pros and cons before making up his mind on something. Perhaps the unusual insecurity could be related to what he'd tell the cadets, as he tried to find the right words. He doesn't need that crap, he reminded himself, knowing he could convince a demon to do good or a saint to sin, if he wanted to, 'cause Erwin Smith was a natural born leader, whose firm belief and self-confidence transmitted the kind of strength to inspire true loyalty, commitment and braveness with much easiness, whether was the simplest task or the hardest, like surrendering their own lives knowingly.
"If I do not lead the vanguard, none of them will follow" he saw him heading towards some old, moldy boxes outside a dusty window.
When he sat on one of them, he could have sworn to be looking at a hundred-year-old man who realized his time had come but wasn't ready for it.
"And I'll die before anyone else... Without ever learning what's in the basement" Erwin commented, demoralized.
"Huh?" What?! Not knowing what was in the fucking place was more important than giving up his life for this bloody war?
"I... I want to go to the basement" he couldn't but stare at him completely astounded. Of all the time they'd known each other, this was certainly the first one he daresay he truly looked unhinged "Everything I've done till now was because I thought this day would come. That someday, I could see if I was right" the way he observed his own hand, yearning to see something in there was starting to make him sick "So many times... I thought death would be so much easier, but always, the dream I shared with my father flashed through my mind. And now I'm close enough to the answers, to reach out and grab them…" said his friend, with nothing but despair and desolation in his demeanor; things he never imagined seeing there "They're right there... But Levi... Can you see them? Our comrades?" he suddenly asked, and judging by the pain and remorse in voice he could have sworn he was in the presence of hundreds of ghosts staring at him, including the many he was willing to give his life for "They're looking at us. They want to know what became of the hearts they gave. Because the fighting isn't over yet".
Despite the clear reminder of the threat they were facing by those countless rocks crashing around and causing a rumbling everywhere, the blond didn't move, nor did he.
"Is it all just inside my head? Nothing more than a childish delusion?" he knew he should have been more concerned about what was currently going on than Erwin's dejection and broken spirit, but it was disturbing to see him like this, begging for the right answer to his predicament, their one chance he already hated.
Levi's eyes hardened as he recalled the rivers of blood he'd seen throughout the years; his friends, his former squad, hundreds of comrades, and elite warriors, amongst which there was the one whose dreadful fate entangled his with her older sister, in whose arms he discovered a type of freedom that had nothing to do with adrenaline nor this war. Notwithstanding his body and soul belonged to her, he couldn't say the same about his life, not until his promise was fulfilled, of which she was aware of. It was why he was certain she'd forgive him for not coming back if the task claimed his life.
And so will he, his inner voice assured as he faced the man that showed the path that gave purpose to his life, the brother that trusted and valued his counsel and honesty, and the friend that would thank and forgive him for making the decision he could not, at least not without feeling like he was betraying the memory of the most important person to him.
Taking a silent, deep breath, he knelt before him and bent his head to show the immense respect and gratitude he deserved for dedicating all of himself to a cause he'd fight for till the very end. He'd be lying to deny how much it hurt, but the journey would end for all if they backed down on it, so better die giving them hell and making some sense out of this than surrendering without a fight.
"You've fought well" gentle words may never be his thing, but that mattered not when he was so used to his straightforwardness and lack of tact. Things wouldn't change or get better anyways, so softening reality was pointless "It's all thanks to you that we've come this far, but I'm making the choice" he said with conviction, addressing him with solemnity "Give up on your dream and die. Lead the recruits straight into hell. I'll take down the Beast Titan" he promised.
Erwin listened carefully to each word with his usual composure, however and for a few seconds, his eyes reflected great surprise for the gesture Levi was having, the load he was taking off him with those words, for which he couldn't help a sad but grateful smile in return.
"Thank you, Levi" the man uttered as his features gradually became softer, relieved of the shame that had anguished him for the past hour "Now that I know what's ahead, all trace of fear and guilt I once felt over the path I chose, are gone. And truly, I wish the same for you, my friend" the blond realized there wouldn't be another moment for this, therefore, he decided to speak freely; just because Levi's practical side would prevent him from ripping off his one remaining arm before setting the plan in motion.
"The hell are you gabbling about?" his friend retorted, furrowing his brow at him, half mad half anxious; that's what the tension in his fists and jaw stated.
"You know the answer" the blond replied while the soldier got back on his feet, placing his right hand on his on the operational device as a warning "It's okay. I won't name that person".
"I've done a fair job with my brain so far not to think about that" the soldier muttered in a tone that was as grim as their chances to survive, looking daggers at him "You're not helping and this is is hardly a good timing".
"Is there a good time anyways?" the blond asked, half joking, half serious "I might die in a couple minutes and I'll regret not saying something".
"Precisely".
"Controlling what's in your head is one thing, but the heart it's not the same, Levi" Erwin said, unaffected by the angry glare he was getting from him "You know, your expressions are generally unreadable, but your eyes always give you away. And the hopelessness I see in them worries me".
"You're delusional" the soldier barely had time to conceal the stupefaction for he was still processing his words, ones he'd unconsciously resisted.
"Oh, I'm completely with you on that" Erwin's nodded somewhat condescendingly but then adopted his regular seriousness to discuss important matters "That doesn't blind me though. Actually, I see things clearer than ever".
In view of his insistence, and accepting they might never speak again, the soldier finally lowered his guard. And the change of attitude didn't go unnoticed to the Commander, who waited the following ten seconds patiently.
"What you see is about the disaster I thought all this turned out to be" he shared reluctantly, mulling over everything since they got here "That and loathing myself for wanting her hatred a moment ago, before you said we had a chance. I was ready to die, I still am, and if I do, I'd like to have that at least, so she doesn't forget shit".
There was no need to explain he meant forget him. Even when a part of his brain insisted on rejecting the idea; the woman could perfectly hold one good grudge, just like anybody else, though deep down he knew this could never be the case with him because she truly believed in them.
"You shouldn't" the blond sighed discreetly "Hating you is not in her, Levi" he gave away a melancholic smile, recalling the conversations he used to have with the woman, and the many things that explained Levi's feelings for her "Just as I guarantee that even if you perish today, she could never forget you, but not out of hate".
"I wish she could. At least for making her miserable" he muttered, fixing his gaze on a white, delicate flower near his feet, clenching his fists in silent fury for being such a selfish bastard "It may not happen today, but it will eventually… just because I wasn't strong enough to subdue the part of me that...".
Erwin followed the direction of his stare when he abruptly stopped talking, comprehending his rage, his remorse for causing extra pain after the losses she experienced months ago. It wasn't like he didn't believe her strong enough to cope with it or anything; he just didn't like the idea of her being sad over him, reason why anger sounded better.
"Adversity and death can be devastating, true. Nonetheless, that kind of feelings are not permanent because they're part of everyone's lives and moving on is part of it" barely moving a step forward, the Commander placed his one hand on the man's shoulder as a sign of support "She knew the risks. She's known them since the very beginning, and accepts them because she understands the reasons, Levi. Don't forget she's as strong as you, only differently. I daresay she's like the flower you watch now, one that survived and bloomed in the middle of a devastated place like this; enduring instead of giving up".
Little by little, the Captain's full body started relaxing after hearing that, although his eyes still showed certain sadness.
"Why did you mention regret when it was you who advised me on never letting dictate my actions?" the soldier muttered.
As soon as the question was made, another bunch of rocks impacting houses, rooftops and the wall were heard, clearly intending on destroying what little collectedness his subordinates had while they feared the moment the couple buildings standing would collapse, along with their temporary protection.
"I guess now that my time has come, I can freely think about the things I could have chosen and imagine the outcome, which doesn't mean I wouldn't have followed the same path. Still, I must admit there were times I lamented depriving myself from having something else, something for myself because I'm taking nothing with me now".
"You're far more disciplined. It's no surprise you chose right" the Captain retorted while standing up and he couldn't but give away another sad smile "Duty above all".
"But who are we to say what's right or wrong?" the blond observed as he recalled his youth and the joy of being in Marie's company. Problem was, it hadn't been enough to detract him from the obsession overshadowing everything "What you call duty was only me being selfish, because my dream was above all. However, I can now see I had deluded myself to believe such thing not to face one truth: the fear of giving up on my father's dream in exchange for a good life" for the first time, he was confessing one of the worst crimes he'd committed "So I walked away, causing enough pain to keep her from holding the tiniest hope about me, and though my ego got hurt when I heard she got over it just fine, that she'd marry an old friend… my remorse was partly relieved but not entirely gone".
"Women are that tough. That's no-brainer" the first that came to his mind at this had been his mother, despite barely imagining what she went through on her own "Maybe she wasn't so certain about you two, saw no point on insisting; or wasn't willing to accept you would die young".
"That's true. It takes two hands to clap" Erwin commented and got on his feet, amused by the unintentional choice of words. A little detail Levi monumentally ignored "I guess Marie wasn't half as stubborn as…" he added, and the right corner of his mouth turned upward when the soldier's cheeks got slightly reddish, averting his gaze again.
"Her sister's influence had a lot to do with it" he sighed in defeat, evoking her fervor and pride whenever speaking about her or them "Must be why she's capable of separating things".
"No, Levi. In fact, pain should have made her more apprehensive, or fearful, but the confidence and faith she has in you, in all of us, is much bigger. That's why you never heard her asking you to stay" the man didn't move or said a thing, confirming his assumption "That proves how wrong I was to conclude choosing Marie would have been the end of my pursuing".
"Nothing is certain…" Levi said, giving a glimpse to the group of nervous rookies trying to calm the horses, but the blond knew the soldier mulling over his future, and hers.
"Would you really say that when it comes to your feelings for her?" Erwin asked, getting his attention back and though his friend tried to conceal it, it was no surprise to see affliction in his gaze "Thought so".
"Problem is, no matter how I feel about her, we all might die tomorrow for whatever shitty reason" the soldier rebuked with stony eyes "Why bother then?"
"Why?" he repeated, lost in thought "You need her, my friend. It is that simple. And no, is not like I doubt you doing your job without her. However, regardless your strength and skills, having something... someone that special makes you deadlier because you'll always strive to live, just to see a new dawn beside that person, to see her smile. Doesn't that one simple moment feel like a cure to all ills?"
Levi stared at him shocked and speechless, and he knew it was all due to being right: Elia Stoltz turned out to be the best medicine for his loneliness, grief, and the anger he'd carried on his shoulders most of his life.
To Erwin, the fact that she was quite literally a healer was actually surreal. And he had no doubt she was the type of person who wouldn't give up on his friend, no matter how bitter and pessimistic he'd get.
"Let's better act soon or there won't be anyone to charge against that hairy filth" the Captain proposed, trying on changing the subject as he kneeled to secure the straps around his legs as well as his blades, making sure the brand-new pairs in the sheaths were ready for action.
"We still have a couple minutes left before losing our protection" he pointed out, assessing the damage around in the dozen big and small buildings that hadn't been completely destroyed yet "I'll go talk to them now, and though what I'm about to ask ain't easy, they all will follow me. Of that, I'm positive. Just as I'm confident the Beast Titan won't see you coming".
"Judging by the direction that scum is aiming at, it's better if I separate from the main force and ride from the east. The sun's gonna blind him long enough to grant me some cover but I hardly believe he won't see me after certain point".
"I guarantee he won't see you until it's too late" the blond's words shocked him enough to have him abruptly turning to him, seeing one slight mysterious close-lipped smile on his face, too confident for his liking "And you'll need no horse".
"This is hardly the time for jokes" Levi scolded him, squinting his eyes angrily but then he froze at the smugness his demeanor suggested. How the hell was he supposed to get close unnoticed!?
"I couldn't agree with you more" the Commander answered, undaunted.
"Then how the hell am I gonna get that close?
"Unlike us, you'll be using the gear".
"You want me to go after him with just ODM gear?" one skeptical Levi replied "He's standing in an empty area. There's not even a house or a tree on sight" he pointed out the obvious, in case the blond had gone mad for good this time.
"Wrong" Erwin corrected while looking to the front, his eyes fixed on the enemy far on sight, oblivious to the soldier's bewilderment "There happens to be a line of objects at just the right height" Erwin cleared up, seeing every move in his head before giving his friend his final orders "Sneak close using the titans and eliminate the Beast Titan".
That being said, the Commander turned to look back at him with nothing but determination and trust in his almost brother, Humanity's Strongest and most loyal, committed man he'd known, whose eyes showed what his expression couldn't: the respect he had in him, as well as the loneliness and hurt accumulated for years only those he cared for could see.
"You might die too. I can't really say but I'd appreciate you don't. It'd be quite an inconvenient now that Hange will need you" he was counting on Moblit to do as asked and protect her, especially from her sometimes-reckless self.
Like it or not, concerning her fate, the one thing he could do was hope; a word he frequently avoided yet the circumstances had forced him otherwise.
"We don't know if she and the others are still alive" the soldier had been clearly thinking alike as he stood up straight and glanced at Eren's titan, still on the wall, definitely unconscious "Although those brats should be if they don't want me going down to hell, only to drag their moronic asses back here".
Even saying that, he'd noticed the severity in his voice hadn't been potent enough to hide the worry at the possibility of surviving them all, which wasn't the craziest outcome. Problem was the self-loathing that'd surely come afterwards, something that could consume him, make him feel even less deserving of what he had.
"If there's something I'm sure of, is the certainty of knowing you'll fight till your last breath, whether you are or not the last one standing" Erwin knew the odds were against them, but he knew his friend would deliver.
The raven-haired soldier averted his gaze, tremendously upset at the implications behind those words, the faith the blond had in him. Sadly, all Levi could think of right now were questions, such as why should he have anything special when none of them would?
"I know that face and just so you know, forsaking the love you have is disrespectful to us" he said, slightly mad at him yet merely getting a blank expression in return. The Commander sighed in resignation and simply started walking towards the young cadets that'd soon die beside him.
Well aware of the man not immediately following behind, Erwin decided to grant him a couple seconds, glad for the chance to speak like this, feeling even lighter after opening up about Marie like never before. He now knew their story was never meant to be, unlike these two who had the potential to end up differently.
Levi on another hand was too stunned after hearing those last words. Love… the word echoed in his head, louder than the screams coming from the rookies and the noise caused by another throw of rocks. It was as loud as the beats of his own heart, pumping harder at a truth he'd unconsciously tried to ignore but Erwin was right: he loved her, in a way he didn't fully understand but it was there.
When had it started? No idea, but surely during those days she'd been so miserable, which sounded extremely sick and weird, yet it was precisely that vulnerability what helped him discover such unique, kind, and selfless human being, the same who brought nothing but light into his somber existence. To just evoke her happy smile whenever her eyes found him was enough to corroborate it, because no matter how simple the gesture was, to him was like the warmth of the sun on his cold skin after one long, merciless winter; one that resembled most of his life too accurately, colorless, and empty.
"Levi" Erwin called, and he moved his head down to see him, only now realizing he'd been on the same spot, with his eyes closed and face up to the sky, momentarily seeing her "It's time".
Having just landed on the twentieth rooftop towards his destination by the riverside, the man still couldn't believe the dead weight he carried on his back was the corpse of his friend, gone forever. It wasn't like being in denial but mostly unconvinced his biggest fear about this mission did occur, and even though he could have change things, Levi knew it would have been the wrong call.
What he hated and felt remorse for was the awful sensation of letting it happen in vain, for he'd failed the promise he made to him and his comrades, who had given their lives for one chance he ended up wasting, and nothing would change it. Therefore, despising himself was all he could do; that at least quiet the gloomy thoughts and his wish to be punished for it; he even blocked Farlan and Isabel's voices as part of his atonement, and the same applied to another voice he longed to hear but the shame was just too great.
"Well, I'll be damned," Levi muttered as he descended two houses away from his destination and saw the front of what used to be a very decent home, still standing and almost intact if it wasn't for some vine on it.
Had Mikasa not described the two-floor building along with the necessary instructions to get there, he might have concluded he got the wrong place, simply because it was odd for an old man and his grandson to live alone in there, yet she'd explained this used to be their family home, passed on generations God knows for how long. That its location prevented it from burning because the fire didn't make it to the other side of the canal, which she'd noticed from afar when Jean led them away from the Colossal titan, and all to offer him and Hange something Armin would have wanted.
Erwin's grave… he said to himself ironically, 'cause he actually considered fitting to leave his body here, at armin's former home; the boy he chose to let live over him.
Careful not to stumble upon the remaining rocks and rubble on the street, Levi decided to walk the final stretch instead of using the gear; forcing what was left of the surrounding buildings wasn't smart, even less while carrying a corpse despite the task demanded not much from him.
The instant his hand grabbed the doorknob, barely turned it, the soldier got the entire house creaking; clear sign that there hadn't been a soul in there for years, just as much as the door not moving an inch when he carefully pushed with his side.
One good kick would solve the problem, his inner self pointed out, and it'd make sense if he didn't fear the thing collapsing before even setting foot in it. It's not like you cannot control your strength, you know? True. Although he was mostly unwilling to keep moving around with Erwin's lifeless body, so he adjusted his position and headed there, glad to see the house's foundations were considerably solid, and the sound from before had been nothing but the lack of residents in there, he couldn't help wrinkling his nose in disgust as a cloud of dust fell from the ceiling to the already dusty floor. As soon as the particles finally settled down, he walked in and glanced around, kind of scoffing in amusement as he tried to distract himself from the filthy environment.
"It's like going inside your stupid office" he said to the corpse on his back, and met, yet for some reason, didn't feel unnatural "I'm starting to wonder if you and the brat and his kin were maybe even related" he said against the uncanny similarities they had.
Aside from people's standard furnishing, what truly stood out was the detail of every wall having at least one bookshelf, small or medium size, of which one laid on the floor along with the books in it and some others from the others, probably due to the tremors caused during the first attack. The rest of them were of course covered in cobwebs as well as freaking dust, stressing him out a little yet there wasn't much to do because he lacked the time to do a proper tide up of the place.
Dead as he is, it isn't like Erwin's gonna use this place either way… he thought, letting out a sigh of resignation and then headed the main hallway, not even bothering on going upstairs in view of the five doors he was looking at, knowing he'd surely find a suitable space for his friend, as he did, on the east side of the house where the dim natural light coming through the grimy windows illuminated the place enough to notice it was roomy enough despite the appearances, simple because it was well distributed; not to mention the likeness it had with the blond's own bedroom wasn't even surprising. There was a single bed cornered on the left and neatly tended; the only but about it were the layers of dirt accumulated on it; same case with the nightstand right next to it and below one big window. The bronze candle holder on top of it still had half a piece of a candle unused, and there were also two books there, one barely on top of the other. The last object over there made him a bit nauseated 'cause it was a glass filled with mold, green and probably slimy, so he quickly looked the other way, to a humble closet on the right and a small desk beside it and a floating shelf right above that was filled with more books and some other junk, such as an old puppet resembling a blond kid.
Must be Armin's own room… the soldier mused, not knowing how to feel about that at first.
"As if it matters" the man scoffed, burying his misery for a while and decisively walked in, placing the Commander's corpse on the bed after shaking the dust off the bedspread. He then covered the upper part of his body with a cape he'd found on his way there, folding the hood on his chest to leave his face on sight. Not yet, he thought as he moved to open the window.
In view of Hange's lateness, the man concluded that despite not having the time to clean the whole building, he could get this specific space done and wouldn't even take too long. So, giving critical look around, he rapidly covered mouth and nose with a piece of cloth he usually wiped the blood off his blades with. Now ready for action, he started by removing the dust from every surface with a feather duster he found inside a small cabinet at the end of the hallway, the one that had a broom leaning against. All this for the sake of killing time though it was mostly about trying not to think.
By the time he was done cleaning the window and sweeping the floor after getting rid of the dirt, Levi felt slightly better to see the room having a much more decent aspect; whereas his dead friend might not care, he certainly did. Those had been his thoughts as he returned the couple supplies back to its cabinet, having just finished cleaning the bathroom right across the hallway. The one item he kept was the small bucket to go fetch some more fresh water and clean himself before Hange showed up.
Intending to take a real good piss now, the soldier opened his pants but suddenly stopped, on the alert when he heard the knob from the entrance door being turned and the hinges on the door squeaking.
"Levi?" the brunette's voice asked, sounding somewhat unsure while surely sticking her head inside, awaiting confirmation "You in there?"
"Yes" he retorted, not thrilled for the interruption yet at ease it was her "In the bathroom".
"Okay" she said and closed the door behind her while he relieved himself.
What followed that was utter silence, a very odd one. The Hange he knew would have exclaimed something like "Man, how did you get past the front door!?", bugging or teasing him about his aversion to dust or calling him grouchy at the least. Instead, the woman went straight away looking for Erwin, or so hinted her footsteps as she got nearer, but seconds after entering the right room he heard her leaving it to walk back outside.
The hell is she doing? he wondered when she went back in the house but apparently heading to the kitchen as he buttoned his pants. He washed his hands and face with a tiny piece of soap he always carried around, and then run his wet hands through his hair to get rid of the stickiness of his own sweat; that and the titan blood that evaporated like two hours ago but still got to smell their stink.
As soon as he came out Levi followed the noise, or the mess she was making, and stopped under the door frame, making a face at the way his colleague stuck her head inside the furnishing.
"I'm looking for something" the woman did not turn to him, yet he noted a clean set of bandages around her forehead, which was a good start.
"Evidently" he retorted with a bored expression, arms crossed and rolling his eyes "Will you please stop throwing dirt all over you and say what you need?"
"Oh, yeah" she said, letting out a nervous giggle "Mmm I'm looking for a vase" she was now standing in the middle of the place, scratching her neck absentmindedly "The two I found were broken".
"Go for a drinking glass then" he proposed, used to think about plan B and C for whatever situation "There's one at the other room, onto a desk" he shared, recalling the container filled with different sizes of pencils "Just clean it first".
"Great. That'll do" the woman gave a nod of thanks "I'll go get some water and be right back".
"No need. You'll find a bucket in the bathroom" Levi took a step back and went back to the other room.
As soon as Levi entered, he noted two things that haven't been there before: firstly, one beige, dirty bag by the foot of the bed, and though he wondered what that was, the curiosity wasn't that big to have him snooping, so he simply ignored it. And secondly, a tiny bunch of flowers on the seat of the chair that was part of the desk only he'd placed it next to the door; certainly explaining her intent on finding a vase.
"An hour, Levi. I left you alone for one hour and you nearly got this place all tided up" he saw her shaking her head resignedly as she entered the room, carrying the now much cleaner vessel, half-filled with water "Not a shocker anyways…" she commented, leaving the glass onto the nightstand, and then moved to get the flowers.
"What took you so long?" he asked while his eyes followed her around, and the question stopped the woman in her tracks, right when she'd been about to grab them.
He figured she wouldn't be happy, but this was weird; he'd never seen Hange this depressed, clearly trying to conceal it through the usual silly behavior that somehow felt unnatural, almost forced.
"Like you, I was cleaning as well… another type of mess" the brunette answered as she took the flowers and started cutting part of the stems with an old knife she probably found in the kitchen "Don't worry, I handled it just fine".
"You either spit it out or I'll worm the thing out of the brats later" it wasn't a command, and she knew so. After all, Levi wasn't the kind to ask things nicely.
Without saying a word, the brunette carried the flowers to the small piece of furniture and began to put each flower inside the improvised vase with much care, though mostly making some time, figuring what to say; there were barely nine Corps left in all the militia, but telling everything to Levi could potentially reduce their numbers to eight before even making it back home. Still, he was right and eventually would know, so the instant she was done with the flowers, she returned to the chair and plopped herself down onto it, sighing tiredly after watching him leaning his back on the wall to her left, facing her and waiting.
"Little after you left, we moved Sasha and Armin up on the Wall, near the northern gate, to keep an eye on the district in case Reiner or the others were still around" the man listened to each word attentively, wishing that were the case so he could chase down that filthy beast but it was unlikely; staying wasn't smart when they'd need several hours to fully heal "In the meantime, Connie took care of Sasha's wounds as best he could while I got Mikasa changing my bandages. Eren of course wouldn't leave Armin's side in case he woke up, so the ones keeping watch were Jean and Flock. Everything seemed fine at first but Mikasa warned me about Flock, 'cause she could hear him complaining about Eren getting his way, something about our favoritism towards him and stuff, and the look in his face foretold no good so I ordered him to go scouting with Jean and Connie, to collect tanks of gas for the journey back… see if there was at least one horse alive to transport Sasha on a cart, or we'll have to travel on Eren's titan form otherwise".
"Good call. Jean will know how to knock some sense into his skull if needed" Levi assured, remembering well he'd been the one who got him hurt months ago. Surely the idiot had not forgotten that tiny detail. If did, then he'd make sure the brat knew to better quit his shit if he didn't want to be left behind.
He won't drop it forever… his inner voice warned, evoking the hatred in his insolent face when they all realized he changed his mind.
"Yeah. Fortunately, the boys found something else during their mission" she informed and gestured towards the object next to Erwin's feet, clearly hinting him to take a look.
Levi got closer and obeyed the silent instruction, sticking his hand inside the bag and then pulled what felt like a leather belt out of it, until his eyes where fixed upon one brown, familiar shoulder bag.
"Hmph…" he was unable to suppress one slight sarcastic scoff when he noticed it was Erwin's; the embroidered initials on the strap were unmistakable despite the dark stains of dried blood in two or three spots.
"You asked them to get it?" he muttered, recalling the image of a field of corpses; dozens of dead comrades, most of them not even in one piece anymore.
"I'm afraid not. Flock did it on his own" the brunette clarified, somewhat troubled "Said he'd been looking for his journal, that it may contain further instructions or the secret on how to be a devil" wow... he truly had nothing but dung in his head.
"Waste no words. The brat's determined to see Erwin as only that no matter what" the thoughtful soldier conveyed, knowing he it was no lie that their friend played his part as such, but it had been necessary and no other would have accomplished this much had he not done so.
Hange's gaze moved to Erwin's face, not entirely sure how to feel; it was bad enough for her to see the blond laying lifeless on that bed, well aware her grumpy friend could have chosen differently, but he didn't, and nothing could change it now. Evidently, she appreciated Levi's concern and advice; he wouldn't say a thing if he didn't care, even less in the grim state he was but she was still upset about. It was an arbitrary decision that ended up appointing her as the new Commander of the Survey Corps when she hadn't been ready for it. Not that you'll ever be… her own voice pointed out, because it'd no easy job to anybody. Erwin was a natural though, she thought, remembering the many qualities he had that made him perfect for the job, making the impossible decisions she wasn't sure she could.
"Yeah. Not that he was wrong because there was a journal in it, only Connie slipped it out of his hands along with the bag and brought them to me" Hange's eyes turned to him, observing the sternness in his expression as he looked at the object he was holding "I waited until now to check what's inside in case he may have left something there for you, or mentioned someone I'm not supposed to know about" she offered, no trace of jest in words.
Levi slowly turned to face her, not without squinting his eyes yet the fact that she was being abnormally serious told she respected him still, his privacy included, so he relaxed, knowing how overcautious about information the blond used to be; he'd never leave a trace or divulge the healer's identity nor her intervention during the uprising. Well, to be honest, Hange wouldn't either, despite not even suspecting about the relationship he had with the woman.
"Chatty and annoying as he was, there won't be a thing about me in there" the soldier guaranteed, composed and feigning indifference "You can go ahead just fine".
"I will" she said as she gestured him to hand the thing over "Though I'll leave the rest of his belongings in here with him".
"Sounds right to me too" he muttered as he leaned forward and her comrade took it and immediately started leafing through the book's pages avidly, reminding him about an important mission, something his friend had asked of him that wasn't exactly easy "Oi, oi! Take it slow if you intend on keeping that one good eye" Levi warned.
"Alright, alright" she accepted and closed it but stared at the thing fondly "You know, I can perfectly picture him in his office, when he spent hours immersed in his own world, either writing or reading these" she commented and then put the journal inside her own little bag "I'm positive there'll be more like this waiting for me, so I'll wait till we get back".
Little did she know that all potentially useful material had been already delivered to the one she trusted the most… or used to, given he too was gone now. In any case, she'd find those in his room days after.
"If you want me gone to get this done, just say it" the man left the leather bag next to Erwin's feet and this time the momentary change in his demeanor didn't go unnoticed to her yet she blamed it on how introverted the man was; if he ever planned on paying any sort of tribute or say goodbye, he wouldn't do it in front of anybody.
"No need, Levi" she told as she got up and walked to stand by the bed, trying a silly smile but it didn't work. Instead, she just sighed tiredly a second time in less than an hour "To be honest, I'm not ready to say anything" she admitted, trying to wrap her hear around the fact that she was the one in charge from now on "I might during the ceremony back at home".
Considering the number of casualties in this mission, it was obvious the militia would hold a funeral, corpses or not. Another one, she thought with much internal grief, not ever used to them. And this one's gonna be the hardest… her inner self lamented, foreseeing how bad it'd feel without Moblit beside her, discreetly holding her hand as they bid farewell to people they cared about. Losing Erwin was terrible, but him as well… just to think of it made her nauseated.
"You can come at me whenever you want" Levi's voice interrupted her ruminations, and only then she noticed him standing beside her, like a statue and yet his eyes betrayed how sad he currently felt "I can tell you want to, so this will be your one chance".
"It's a shame I'm not in the mood" the woman murmured with an apologetic smile, but the soldier merely raised an eyebrow, waiting "Okay, okay, I'll talk!" Hange exclaimed, turning in his direction, momentarily lifting both hands in surrender "I just can't understand your decision. Not when you made clear Erwin was the right choice seconds before" she said without breaking eye contact.
The brunette wasn't demanding an explanation, yet the soldier would give one regardless; he wasn't willing to repeat it over and over back at HQ, but most of all, because he respected her. not to mention Erwin's burden fell upon her shoulders now, so she deserved understanding why.
"If there's someone who sacrificed more for this, it's him" he started saying as he got close to the window, leaning his right shoulder against that wall while gazing at the couple flowers she'd brought without actually seeing them "You fully committed to this path years after joining the military, as did I… sort of. But he wasn't the same".
There was no need to remind her how shitty both of their lives had been before this, nor the things that triggered their spirits to follow Erwin's crusade, where the silver lining had been finding purpose in giving good use to their set of skills in humanity's benefit.
"Unlike us, he made up his mind as a brat, since the day he realized the role he played in his father's death. True, the man was undoubtedly stupid for not telling him to keep his hole shut, but Erwin was smart and old enough to gather that by himself; instead, he made a huge mistake and that never ceased to haunt him" the soldier said, seeing consternation in her eyes yet the manner in which she lowered her head was like hearing her say I know "Since then, he worked relentlessly to follow a path he couldn't… wouldn't quit; not because mankind's survival depended on it but his own sanity. And for that, not only he used his wit, determination, and abilities but also others', especially the angry shitheads with a thirst for revenge" he scoffed with irony, alluding his own experience "He kept on doing so over and over, never having seconds thoughts on the choices that'd bury whatever decency he had left; all for a truth he was obsessed with, the same he sought for years and would have sold his soul for. However, the weight of the countless lives he'd already sacrificed helped him see the big paradox in all this" Levi's tone sounded bitter and mad, but sincere "The face I saw before the charge, when he realized no human was worth saving if another did countless reproachable things to achieve it… it wasn't like him and yet I believe it was the first time I saw the real Erwin behind the mask".
The Captain set eyes back on his dead friend with a thoughtful expression, wondering if the serenity there had anything to do with his decision, about his life but mostly concerning the choice he'd been unable to make on his own. Did death provide some sort of redemption, a permanent escape from that vision of his? he wondered, picturing his friend on top of a mountain of corpses he was considerably responsible for.
"Let go and offer his life along with the last group he was sending to the grave was the only way to make peace with himself. That's why I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't strip him away from his well-earned right to rest from this nightmare and his guilt" Levi voiced, trying to restrain his hopelessness and rage through his clenched fists as he turned to the window and stare outside. A couple seconds later, he barely turned his head towards her "Playing the devil for years it's a burden just too big for someone who's not evil".
"I may have to play the same role…" he heard his comrade utter, with her eyes fixed on Erwin's hand, resting to his side. It was weird but the lack of his other upper limb resembled perfectly how shattered she currently felt "What if I'm inadequate?"
"Indeed, you are" Levi confirmed, unaffected by her taken aback demeanor "Going solo on assuming this is insane, so you're free to pass the load onto me 'cause I'm no decent man" he declared.
He truly believed that, even more so after failing. He knew he could perfectly make the hard decisions in the shadows if needed by her. Not because he considered her weak, not at all; she lost something else, a connection he now comprehended how valuable was and yet she was here, standing and enduring what surely hurt like hell while taking on her new responsibilities like the soldier she was.
"My hands are stained with enough blood so I can keep on doing what's necessary until we find a way out or die trying" he committed wholeheartedly, seeing the saddest grateful smile on that face "Now, if you're doubting yourself about leading, let me remind you he chose you his successor long before Nanaba and the others died, so cut that crap".
"I will" the sad smile no longer was the hopeless kind now that he'd communicated, in his own coarse style, that he'd follow her no matter what, and if this ever failed, they were all going down with her "Thank you, Levi".
He might not like hearing those words but there were no better ones to express herself at this moment; for the support but most of all, his honesty, loyalty, and caring for her. Obviously, his usual tch! was all she got in response, barely audible but it was there.
"Although I disagree with your decision, I respect it and appreciate the sincerity, Levi" he'd come to stand right beside her as she observed Erwin's features one last time, appreciative of the Captain's words that'd help her coping with this new reality "He was our friend, and deserved better…" she admitted, gesturing around the place in view of his confusion "This place has set a precedent in all our lives but I'm worried about what they'll say for not taking him with us, for proper burial I mean".
"None of the bastards that died out there are having what you call a proper burial, so fuck whoever complains".
She saw him frowning angrily out of the corner of her eye, imagining he was as displeased as her for being unable to pile their remains and at least cremate them. But as it'd had happened throughout this long war, leaving them behind was necessary; they still had no idea what they'd find in the cellar, and worn out as they were, what little energy they had left should be used to travel back home. After all, Wall Maria wasn't a titan-free zone yet.
Actually, and in view of this, the one thing she was at peace with was the certainty of having seen Moblit disappear in the shock wave, so he wasn't anywhere to be found except in her memories.
"A fair response" Hange said, placing her right palm on the soldier's shoulder to simply show she trusted him as well "I'd use it if I didn't know they'll find it rather not too diplomatic".
Unlike his usual self, who'd have instantly shrugged her hand off, Levi appreciated the gesture. Not because he sought any sort of forgiveness from her, no; he was just glad to see she understood, and that was enough.
"I still have one or two days to think of something to say to them, because I'm sure Flock won't quiet himself so we cannot lie".
"No need of that" he assured "We had no guarantees Erwin's titan form would have made the arm grow back, or turned out defective because of his age, like Rod Reiss'. So far, we've only seen brats controlling them and after certain age could be dangerous, or a failure, and we only had that one shot. But most importantly, Armin has been a very good asset to our purposes since day one. Pixis knows it, so…"
"I know. Sometimes I end up thinking I'm seeing a younger version of Erwin in him" his friend commented, allowing to show some amusement for having to accept he outsmarted her and everyone else. In a way, the kid was very much like the man lying lifeless on that bed, only he hadn't fully lost his innocence.
"Erwin was Erwin. Period" Levi replied dryly, not wanting comparisons.
"I'm not saying he'll take his place or anything but losing the kid would have been just as bad" allowing her voice to show some amusement "Hope he takes it well" she added, a bit nervous about that.
"Any other punk might have given us hell for it, but he won't" Levi was certain he'd most likely feel guilty and gloomy about it, but his maturity would help him accept things… eventually.
She said nothing right away, feeling like it was time to go because there was still work to do and the best she could do to honor her fallen loved ones and comrades was assuming her position, and finish the mission.
It's no time for me to bite the dust today but I'll be seeing you then, my friend, the brunette said to him on the inside as she slightly bent and placed her hand on Erwin's chest, right where his heart was, hoping all of them had found peace wherever they went.
"Where are you going?" the Captain asked when she headed out.
"I'll go check how much gas those three managed to get" she answered after turning and found him staring at her, as stern as always yet she noticed certain impatience in that gaze "I plan on getting Eren after that".
Nodding affirmatively, Levi liked what he heard 'cause she meant business; finally, that godforsaken basement would cease to be a mystery.
"I'll see you back on the wall, then" the man announced and nodded at her before turning his pensive face back to their friend.
"Thirty minutes" was all she said right before leaving.
The instant the entrance door closed, the soldier exhaled tiredly as he stood beside the bed, finally daring to cover the man's face with the hood, honoring the emblem Erwin chose not to betray; he may have assisted him in the decision, but it was him who made the final call on leading the charge, embracing his death.
"I'm sorry" was all he could say, out of shame and remorse over failing, and so he averted his eyes to his right, finding the glass with the flowers Hange brought.
Flowers he'd recognized but refrain himself from thinking about it in the woman's presence yet now Levi couldn't help recalling information that had been shared with him quite a few weeks ago, on one of those mornings he joined someone outside her home, just to watch this person tending the small garden she grew in multiple flowerpots. Observing her meticulous dedication towards those plants was incredibly soothing, but the best part was that soft, joyful expression on her face as she did.
Daffodils… the word sounded more like an echo inside his head, one distant voice he cherished and missed, as if the last time he heard it had been months instead of 36 hours ago.
The soldier closed his eyes and focused on the medicinal aspects of them, such as the properties they contained to help reducing physical pain but could mean death in the wrong doses. However, the strangest and easiest part was recalling something else she'd also mentioned; something curiously fitting for the instance.
Aside from medical uses, some flowers hold special meanings, Captain. This one, for example, are thought to represent new beginnings, rebirth, and hope, because they're the first to blossom in the spring, having just survived wintertime…
Not wanting to give much thought, he grabbed the bag that belonged to him and put it where the man's right arm should have been, but not without quickly pulling something out of it first.
"I know you won't mind" he said, aware of this being the last time he'd speak to his friend, suspecting he most likely saved that for him anyways "I'll just give it back".
He wanted to say something else, but what was the point? Erwin was gone, so talking to his corpse made no sense. If ghosts existed and could cause harm, he seriously hoped his would seek revenge and kick him hard or break his jaw, some ribs for his uselessness… maybe that could help him feel less sick with himself.
Deprive your worthless self from the shit you most treasure, midget… Kenny's voice suggested with his characteristic cruelty and sick sense of humor.
Love doesn't work that way, Levi… Erwin's words counterattacked, but he only felt worse.
"Tsk!" the man exclaimed, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his mind and then left in a haste, as if he wanted to run from them.
He didn't hold a grudge or anything for the enlightenment, but he wasn't particularly grateful to his friend for it, suspecting it had been some sort of final gift to him, almost a blessing. One he deserved not. Not after what happened; just the thought of him being certain the diversion would work and he'd eliminate the enemy... Hell, he could still hear their battle cries turning into dying screams as got rid of the titans but that wretch controlling the creatures laughed at them. It was making him sick.
Being unworthy was something, but how the hell was he going to look the woman he loved in the eye without feeling guilt and the weight of failure upon him? It was reason enough not to ever let her know about his recent discovery, even less when Kenny was right. It's what fairness demanded.
Happy 2023, dearies!
Firstly, I apologize for how long it took me to come back but I have a second job now, so life has been pretty chaotic ever since (not to mention there are other stuff I enjoy doing on my spare time). Of course, I'll never cease to express my gratitude to you all out there following this humble story of mine, and hopefully loving it. Can't believe it's been over a year since I started this! Tbh, I was hoping to wrap it up by the same time the anime would, but according to the ideas in my head and the time issue, that's very unlikely.
As for the chapter, mmm perhaps I've dwelled too much on this specific part of this Arc but we can all agree the loss of Erwin was very significant to Levi and Hange, so I couldn't leave it out because it's important to what's ahead. Besides, we never had this conversation between them, one I personally needed, and I think I liked how it turned out.
I promise I'll keep doing my best to continue, just please, be patient with me.
Namárië
