CHAPTER XLI

"Can you believe it's been two weeks?" the brunette suddenly said, putting aside the stack of documents scattered on her desk "Because it feels like months to me".

He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she stretched out on the chair, tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling, remaining silent for a minute or two.

"Sometimes I wake up with the intention of telling Moblit something" his comrade continued, letting out one long sigh, filled with what he recognized as longing "I don't think I ever told him how good was to have him cracking up at the dreams I had".

"Time is merciless, and so is death" he muttered, not moving an iota of that couch. He got what she meant; much had changed, and nothing could ever be the same "Torture yourself for as long as you need. Just make sure not to let it drag on forever".

Despite her spirit apparently was as lively as usual, Levi perceived all the nostalgia underneath the facade, partly understanding because he also yearned for someone's presence, and luckily for him, that person was still breathing.

Stop that! the soldier ordered himself, trying to quiet down his heartbeats, hammering furiously whenever the desire to see her came back and hit him hard. Thankfully, Hange's intervention helped.

"I know but is not easy to control, just like getting used to the idea that we'll never see or talk to Erwin again, and even so, I often find myself waiting for him to come through the door, like any other day" there was no need to look at her to know her eyes were surely fixed upon the entrance; after all, this had been his own office days before "Guess that's why I lack the urge to change it much".

He had nothing to say at that. It was absurd and stupid and yet he couldn't mock her when he had the same feeling sometimes, or more like delusional wish.

"His absence is a bit more bearable thanks to this" the brunette affirmed and got him turning his head to see her open the top drawer of her desk, taking out a familiar object: one of his worn-out journals. "Really, Levi, reading these it's like talking to him" the half smile she wore was like an odd mixture of ridiculous optimism and resignation.

"The idiot thought of everything because he knew he was fucked" he replied with disdain, gazing at the already empty cup of tea on the low table in front of him, next to another pile of documents received an hour ago, which he was sorting under three different criteria: urgent, can wait another day, and useless crap, the last mostly consisting in thank you letters sent to them, him specially, making him sick "Well, almost everything," he added, recalling Moblit's death hadn't been part of his plan.

Evidently, Erwin had expected the guy to keep supporting Hange in every step of whatever came afterwards; he wouldn't have trusted him the fourteen diaries she found in his room otherwise.

"We all knew there would be casualties but I'm sure he never thought it be just us two and your squad surviving" she muttered, leaving the object back in the drawer.

To be honest, neither did he. And the fact that it was only the nine of them inhabiting those facilities depressed them even more; a building that once housed hundreds of soldiers turned into a crypt where the freaking silence he'd so desperately wanted in the past, was now unnerving. Not just to him but the brats as well, so much so that despite having been granted with twin rooms for their military merits, they weren't enjoying it really. Jean and Connie especially, because the reason they got a triple room was only to take Floch with them.

"And we'll soon be eight if that ginger punk doesn't keep his hole shut" he observed and got up to go refill his cup, his third in the past two hours.

The boy was undeniably an imbecile, but he could understand his frustration and resentment, respect it even, however, the way he bugged Armin, insisting on scathing comments was going to get Eren's nerves any moment. Concerning him, well, that was a whole other story; Floch was no fool for he never picked up fights in his presence, let alone criticize his choice.

"I've tried talking him out of it but the kid's determined not to get along with those three no matter what" the brunette explained, momentarily pressing the space between her eyebrows, where the forehead and the bridge of her nose met "We're lucky Connie and Jean tolerate him".

"One good beating has always been an effective cure to me".

"Oh, I'm aware, but the kid's report and accusation of partiality has left you bounded hand and foot" she said, nodding once towards the many paperwork she still needed to check, where he'd seen a couple letters from Zackly, hoping one of those confirmed whether he'd have to face a summary or a regular trial "So please, don't even consider the idea!" an alarmed Hange exclaimed.

"I have no intention on tipping the scales in his favor and be locked in the filthy dungeons for longer than necessary" Levi declared as he poured the brown, steaming liquid into the small container, knowing everyone would assume he wanted to silence the brat instead of showing him some discipline.

"This time we need another solution, far from violence if possible".

"Putting distance between him and Armin would be smartest choice for now. Regardless his commitment and focus, the boy hasn't completely assimilated he can turn into a giant monster and if he attempts suicide… it may not work but what if it does?" Levi said, disgusted by the possibility because it'd mean his choice would have been in vain.

"Good point. Maybe reinstate him here once the new recruits join our ranks" his colleague proposed and judging by the way she played with her pen in her hand, he figured she'd just thought of something else.

"If he insists on the shitty attitude by then, I won't hesitate to teach him a lesson" the soldier put forth, having just moved to the window right behind the brunette. He leant his back on the wall and took the first sip of the hot, relaxing beverage "He'll cease to cause us trouble, I guarantee".

"Of course, he would, 'cause he'd cease but to exist" he caught the irony and yet it hadn't really sounded like regular Hange "By the way, did I mention Jean should be our envoy at the Capital, to supervise the manufacturing of thunder spears?"

"Yes, it's actually the third time you bring it up" he side eyed her, concerned "I'm beginning to think the loss of your eye might have affected your brain as well" the soldier commented, rolling his eyes and turning around when he heard her snorting in amusement "Not funny".

"Alright, alright. Just wanted to make sure 'cause sometimes I think I've done something but then I realize I only dreamed the situation, you know?" his friend explained, and then heard the clear sound of the tip of the nib against the paper, guessing she'd started writing on her own journal "I believe important to tell you since Jean's a subordinate of yours. Come to think of it, I should have asked your permission before making the decision..."

"You're Commander now, hence, notifying me is enough".

"Yeah, but you're the one responsible of him, and I still haven't got entirely used to being commander… see why it's a bit confusing?" the woman whined, holding her head for a moment, which he saw through the reflection in the glass.

"Whatever" he was so drained he didn't have the energy to argue over petty formalism "Are you planning on sending the troublesome brat with him?" he asked, figuring why she mentioned this, which he thought was a good call.

"Yes but, if I do, then it'll be only seven of us left here" she commented, quite discouraged.

"Makes no difference anyway" he retorted "Is not like we'll be going outside the walls anytime soon with nine members".

"That just reminds me, we should be receiving transfer requests from the other divisions next month" Hange sounded slightly more hopeful but in view of the mission results, he hardly thought they'd get those.

"And you keep counting your chickens before they hatch" the man complained, hating the idea of his friend getting disappointed but the brunette associated his irritation to the fact that he'd finished his drink again "I doubt we'll get that many applications… if we get any".

"I disagree" he saw her moving her hand to her chin, stroking it thoughtfully "People's view on us is radically different. We're heroes, they respect us, and so do plenty other soldiers".

"Right or wrong, having idiots with a lust for glory won't be an improvement. Better wait until getting some fresh meat once they graduate" the Captain claimed, hearing the second snort coming from his comrade right before going back to her notes.

The tranquilizing sound of the writing tool scratching the paper drove the man to close his eyes for a moment yet the first thing he saw in the darkness were those gray eyes staring at him.

No... Opening them immediately, Levi blinked several times and focused instead on the outside, where the trails of reddish lights refused to go, blending with the dark blue announcing twilight was upon them.

A fairly nice view, but not as fascinating as losing yourself in that gaze… the inner voice remarked, reminding that he was running out of duties and distractions to keep himself occupied.

Notwithstanding he'd truly intended to give Hange a hand with everything, he couldn't forget the few chances he'd had to sneak out of the facilities but wouldn't take because he wasn't ready. Like never before, he was acting like a coward, a rat on the run, hiding from someone that wasn't even chasing him.

Elia knew where he was, he knew she could have made-up whatever excuse to come see him, but he also knew she wouldn't. Actually, he bet she surely concluded they'd been swamped with reports, his comrade's recovery, meetings to attend and all that was part of a soldier's life, thus, she wouldn't trouble him nor take unnecessary risks, especially when none of them were in a critical condition. No, Elia would wait. She had the patience, but also the faith in him to do so, which only deepened the anger at himself and the desperation for her resentment.

"You know, having these…" once again, Hange's voice brought him back to the present "…feels like both, a blessing and a curse".

Checking on the reflection in the glass, he noted her staring at the three volumes Zackly entrusted her to keep until the audience at the capital, where the Queen and High Command would decide what to do with them and the information contained.

"The old sicko is letting you keep those in the meantime, so why do you whine?" he asked, not surprised that his friend had got her head stuck in them for far too long.

"Being unable to take notes is killing me!" she protested but then got quiet for like another minute "I still cannot believe we truly made it to that basement… It's a shame, isn't it?"

"What is?" this time, he turned in her direction.

"Grisha Yeager is not around, and I have so many questions".

"And you haven't found those in any of them?" his voice showed such incredulity, but she remained unaltered "Seriously?"

"Come on, Levi! Don't you have at least one after reading them?"

"Nothing that Grisha Yeager could respond to" he shared, turning his head to the side, seeing the passers-by on their way to their homes, unaware of the war to come, one he needed to be ready for.

"Guess you mean he wouldn't know where our enemies currently are, which is important but understanding the past is key to move forward too" the brunette pointed out "We're not remotely close to end the war, which is precisely why understanding the events that led us here" she explained.

"You want to ask him why the entire world is at war with us?" he enquired, still somewhat lost in thought while staring at the people without really seeing them, knowing she was waiting for a response "I can answer that" he offered, stoic faced "People hate and fear whatever is different. So, the fact that our kind can turn into monsters is more than enough".

Hange lowered her face a little and said nothing right away. She could tell he was thinking about himself; he was different and so, rejected. Kenny Ackerman had said the truth when he told him the Ackerman clan had been haunted down because they'd started to represent a threat.

"I know that but what I'd like to get is how they manage to turn our own people against us, and who's behind it".

"Brainwashing is not hard when you're able to inflict terror and also provide security to your victims, so given Grisha Yeager's story, I don't think is just one person behind everything, which complicates things but whatever the case is, we'll fight" he uttered after turning and fetched some more tea before taking a seat across from her, placing the steamy cup on the corner of the desk, the one available spot there "Stressing yourself over shit we can't yet understand is pointless, Hange".

"Do you believe we stand a chance?" the woman enquired, still unable to imagine the big picture in all this, such as the complexity behind the meaning of what world truly meant. It was hard when their own world never struck her as a small one; she'd surveyed the land for years and still couldn't claim she knew every corner of it.

"We're still breathing, aren't we?" putting one leg over the other as he crossed his arms with a dead serious expression, he reinforced his point; it didn't matter if the odds were against them, he'd still put up a fight "It's all that matters for now".

"You're right. One step at a time" the brunette granted, half-smiling in resignation "You know, I can't stop wondering how is it that we're not under the water" she came up with out of nowhere, adopting a lighter mood, closer to her usual curious self, changing the course of the grim prospect to block any other gloomy thought leading them nowhere.

"Huh? The fuck you mean? Why would us be underwater?" since he didn't feel like pushing things either, he went along with it. Besides, she couldn't discuss about this with many so simply letting her babble about seemed healthier.

"Armin explained what an island is, but there's no way that's plausible, right?!" she started rambling over this "I mean, we're at the top of a huge mountain, or a chain of mountains whose peaks are tall enough to rise above so much water" he could see the excitement, but had she really been the same old Hange, he knew she surely would have squealed that with delight rather than just sharing the information like regular people did "We both know the mountains up north, how big they are and but according to him, these are like thousands of miles bigger. Can you believe it!?" fortunately, she was beginning to sound normal but the glimmer in her brown eyes soon faded, and he knew what went through her mind at that moment, or more like whom.

"Hardly" he responded, somewhat skeptical. Letting her talk about it didn't mean he was interested in anything like it "Is there any relevance to it?"

"Of course it's important!" the brunette exclaimed and shook her head no, exasperated "We still need to figure a way to cross the huge lake if we don't want to just wait to be attacked over and over" he finally found sense in her reasoning "Oh, I can't wait to get one of those books explaining it all scientifically" she added, almost as enthusiastic as the old Hange.

"Having those will be useless since you don't speak their language" he burst the bubble, but the smartie ass expression on her face served as an answer, reminding him about the alphabet at the first pages in the second volume written by Eren's father, the one containing Marley'shistory.

"Yep, I'm already on it" she winked, not surprising him at all; whenever Hange obsessed over something, there was no stopping her. In this case, though, it was a good prospect because it'd keep her distracted "And if I actually pull it off, I'm planning on teaching you all. How about that?"

"It doesn't interest me one bit, but I guess it'd be useful," he admitted, quite apathetically. Knowledge was a powerful weapon, or so Erwin used to say when he was teaching him not everything was about strength.

"Excellent" pleased with the reply, he saw her nod, ignoring she imagined he'd send her straight to hell for such proposition "The guys are gonna love it!"

"Not having to rack their brains with it would excite them more" he commented sarcastically, well aware that Armin was the one exception "But as long as it keeps their heads busy, go ahead".

"It'll be useful to us all, Levi" his friend assured, and then a goofy smile showed up on that face, one he hadn't seen in many days "If we ever make it to the outside world, I'd appreciate your help on getting that object that creates instantaneous portraits" she asked and he narrowed his eyes at her in suspicion, wondering what could she possibly gain from that.

"I've always known you were a lunatic but a narcissist... that's new" he commented, still seeing no sense in that.

"Documenting should be easier for us, especially when it comes to things no one here has ever seen that are difficult to explain or describe" she quickly said but given he moved not an inch and only raised one eyebrow, she tried with an example "The sea, for example… A large lake or landlocked body of water that covers over 70% of the earth. So vast that you'll see no land in the horizon... which sounds unrealistic but what is realistic when we know so little?" Hange asked with a know-it-all expression meanwhile the crease on his forehead remained the same "See? Your face proves exactly my point. So, those things called photographs could be quite handy".

"You just want to lay your hands on it and figure out how it works".

"I won't deny it. Although the idea of having a portrait of you open-mouthed once we get there, seems a great bonus" the brunette joked and returned to her notes when she caught sight of his upper lip curling up into a scornful sneer before giving an eye to the paperwork she hadn't yet organized.

The sea... the word brought back memories of that night while sitting on his own inside that storehouse, bittering about the notion of the dark future without the man that had been guiding them for so long, the friend he'd have to see die. But then his thoughts had been interrupted by the appearance of three brats whose conversation managed to distract him, mostly because he couldn't believe his former friends and him had been so stupidly naive for having exactly this kind of dreams and shit, for fooling themselves about the chance to have a decent life on the surface.

Nothing ever goes as expected... he said to himself, just like he did that day on the roof where Armin laid, charred and impeded to fulfill the promise they'd made that night when he first chose his friend over him. But the Commander deserved better, and no selfish decision would strip him away from the eternal peace he'd earned, not when the brat had the potential to keep helping them unravel the truth; after all, he was as smart as Erwin, only too young and insecure but resourceful and surprisingly brave. It was why he was at peace with himself, and somewhat curious to see if they would succeed where they did not.

"Yo, Levi!" Hange suddenly called to get his attention "You seem worried. What is it?"

"I know you won't get it back but how's your eye doing?"

"Oh, you mean the one that works or the other?" this time he glared angrily at her for not taking this seriously and exhaled forcefully, so she just smiled in return; a genuine, stupid smile that provided some hope. He wouldn't blame her if she never did that again; smiling seemed inconceivable, almost to the point of considering it a crime. Not that he often did it.

"I won't even answer that," he said with a sulky face.

"Fine, fine. Umm, Mrs. Meyer sees no infection. And my one good eye works just as it used to" she informed, adjusting the old pair of glasses, careful to avoid touching the patch covering the stitches closing the tiny void where her left eyeball used to be "It's a fortune I never got rid of these or I'd be pretty useless" evidently, she lost her goggles during the mission but the military was currently taking care of that.

"Stop burning yourself out if you intend on keeping what's left of your sight" he scolded, reminding her he knew she should've been in bed by now.

"Come on, don't start with that" Hange complained as she looked through the pile of documents scattered on the table. "I'm tired but not overexerting myself. Staying in bed all day makes me restless, which isn't better" his friend's face lit up when she finally found a paper where he only got to see Pixis signature; surely the daily report on titan activity outside the walls "I must do something, or I'll go insane. But I won't end up blind, Levi. And if I do, then look on the bright side".

"Which is?"

"Not seeing your grumpy face" the brunette joked again, and she gave away one mild smirk "Oh, I almost forgot you'll have to come up with a new nickname 'cause four-eyes make no sense".

"Three then" he replied with an absolute lack of enthusiasm "And if you want to do something, then take a bath" the soldier squinted his eyes at her, foreseeing what she'd reply. He'd only allowed her to go this far without a proper cleaning not to stress her out, "You have enough energy to go through it just fine".

"Uh, well, now that you mention it..."

"Not for the first few days, that's what the doctor recommended according to you, which makes no sense if you ask me but since you committed to washing your body parts day and night, I ignored it. Nonetheless, you're beginning to stink so now's a good time".

"You're making a big thing of it" she waved her hand dismissively, secretly hoping he dropped the subject but he was determined not to "My hair is the one thing I haven't washed since we got back and look…" the brunette ran her fingers along the scalp a few times and then smelled her fingertips, making him grimace, disgusted when she offered her hand so he could smell it "...is not that bad, and the nurse said..."

"72 hours is more than enough before wetting the stitches, which is not even an issue when the wound is in your eye, not your head".

"Two more days?" she enquired but the man with the arms folded shook his head no regardless.

"Not a chance" he declared "You'll soon reek, and I refuse to let it happen. Besides, as our Commander, you're expected to be always presentable".

"I wouldn't have agreed to this had I known so in the first place" the woman pouted and snorted with mock indignation.

"If you need help, just ask" he offered as he observed the bottom of another cup he'd just emptied.

"Oh no, no, no, many thanks, but no. I'm sure Mikasa can lend me a hand with it" she hastened to say, waving her hands in front of her in refusal, or more like a shield.

Hange's nervous smile wasn't really at the idea of being naked in front of Levi, no. Years ago, the soldier got so incredibly pissed at her for not taking a proper bath after a mission, thanks to a cold she caught. Since she wasn't feeling that great, she'd foolishly accepted his help, believing it out of concern, though late learnt it wasn't precisely at her but hygiene, or so demonstrated his complaining about her filthiness while scrubbing her back with an old, raspy washcloth, unmoved by the occasional cries in pain, making it an unforgettable experience, sadly. The silver lining though, was how it changed her relationship with Moblit, whose jealousy turned out to be the perfect push to give in to his attraction for her. Only when he saw what Levi did, nearly flaying her, he comprehended there was nothing between them and promised he'd help her with it whenever she wanted.

To evoke such memories brought both the melancholy but also that nice feeling inside, like a tingling of excitement and nervousness she'd experienced back then, leading her to close her eyes for a brief moment and enjoy it.

"You have until tomorrow night or I'll step in" he announced, grabbing another piece of paper skimmed it and then put it on top of the non-urgent ones; it was the request form concerning the uniforms they needed to replace.

"Jeez man, try to chill for once!" she exclaimed, resigned to do as told "Now, going back to really relevant matters, how's your squad?"

"I was under the impression they took turns to pester you in the mornings" he answered, clearly displeased; that face showed he was considering the idea of them daring to lie and slack around while he stood in for Hange during the meetings outside this building.

"Hey, hey, hey, stop. You're jumping to the wrong conclusions here" the brunette intervened, a bit exasperated "What I meant was how do you see them doing, Levi. They do come here and give me a hand with this and that, and they seem okay but my perception of them could be different from yours, you know?"

"They keep making a fool of themselves when they think I'm not around" he replied, slightly shrugging "I know some are still chewing on everything but they're resilient enough, so they'll be fine".

"Good. I was just asking 'cause I still can't get out of my head the way Eren was talking to himself in that cell the other morning. He'd barely said much since, and being that quiet is so unlike him".

"In case you haven't noticed, the brat turns into a giant monster so he's not really the definition of normal. Besides, all that shit about his father, learning he has a half-brother that ratted out on him and could be anywhere or dead..." he took a pause there, considering his own current state of mind "He may seem calm but the restless beast inside him is there, probably craving to go out there and do something".

"Oh, I'm almost the same except for the whole beastie business" Hange shared, trying to ease the weird feeling in her guts, one she associated with the recent events and accumulated tension "But you're right. If he keeps acting the same once we go back to normal, then we'll see" despite it was all they had left, she was proud of them, including Floch, for facing everything like true soldiers "And yet they should work on is how to let go of emotions when we're fighting".

"That's a work in progress but not everyone will succeed" he admitted, thinking mostly about the strongest of the group, recalling that day when Erwin entrusted him with them.

"Oh, that's a relief. They've come a long way since you took them under your wing" she opined, and he agreed: they weren't the same "We all have grown a lot over the past months, Levi" he got what she implied but ignored it completely, looking away when he saw a mysterious smile.

The gesture put him on alert, so he went back to stand by the window, unable to block the thoughts thanks to Hange's silly comment, and the twilight outside was no help because it was usually the time of the day in which he used to allow himself to think of her more freely, once done with most of his responsibilities.

Control yourself! his head ordered again, so he discreetly shook his head and tried to think of something else.

"What are you writing now?"

"Mmm, a letter to the Queen" his friend responded, confusing him a little for there was nothing pending since the afternoon when the nine received their medals "The memorial service is ten days from now, but I'll be travelling with the Queen's delegation to Mitras the day after tomorrow" she communicated at the sight of his furrowed brow.

Despite knowing she wouldn't ride all the way there either way, Hange did it mostly to get some time alone. She truly appreciated everything Levi and the kids had done so far but she truly needed a couple days for herself, wanting to say her proper goodbye to her soulmate at the place he shared his life story with her: Mitras' Cemetery, where the wealthiest families were buried, and so were his parents regardless not being so, but they served most of their lives to a decent one that considered them as such.

"Didn't we all have to attend?" the soldier asked, still not turning but observing her reflection. He couldn't help clenching his fists, for he was trash, and his presence would be nothing but disrespectful to the fallen everyone wanted to honor.

"You do, but you'll travelling next Saturday. I wanna get there first 'cause I'd like to see how's our request for back up going, hurry things up if I can".

"Driving them nuts, huh?" he said, ironic, supporting the idea without much enthusiasm "You'll see results as soon as they suffer your annoying, twitchy self".

"Hey!" she exclaimed, adjusting her glasses with the tip of her index finger.

"Question: what are we supposed to do in the meantime?" he asked, unaffected when she gave him an indignant look.

"Hmph! Being nicer wouldn't kill you, you know?" Levi said nothing at that. Instead, he only turned, adopting his usual posture, arms crossed and disapproving face "I may have lost an eye, but I see a lot and you can't go on like this. I'm super grateful for the help but practically doing my job and yours since we got here is too much, even for you. I'm fine now so please go get some sleep" when she saw him squinting his eyes at her she figured he wasn't buying it "Really, man. I'm trying to come up with a plan of action to claim Maria's territory back as soon as we get the necessary numbers. We both know the land there is both complex and vast, so it'll take time, meaning I need to concentrate to come up with something worth discussing with you and the kids later" despite his sour attitude and eyes rolling, the snort he let out told her he was giving up "I'll just stay up for a little while".

"As you wish. Just don't freak out if you find yourself bald by the time you go wash your face" he forewarned in case he found her sleeping in here, really liking the prospect of going back outside the walls; this quietness was unnerving "Thinking of something else at this point it's bothersome so get used to it" the brunette chortled at the impudent response, never having expected less of him.

"I'll just stay up until the candle melts away, which should be two hours from now, at most" she promised, following his gaze towards the very object on her desk, noting his mind was elsewhere considering he got somewhat hypnotized by the dancing flame.

"You better. Neglecting your one good eye would be at the top of moronic shit you could do" an amused Hange half-smiled as she grabbed her pen to resume her chores, deciding to speak her mind because he was only trying to look after her, and so would she.

"Same goes to you" she retorted, and he just grumbled back.

She'd known for years he struggled with sleeping, but it'd never looked this bad. And even though Erwin's death had been devastating for both, she suspected there was something else going on. She nearly told him to quit the childish behavior and do what he gotta do but wasn't in the mood to tease him about his personal life, let alone when she had no clue how things went with the person, he was with but the fact that he hadn't gone see her since their return was no good omen. It was evident Levi's lady wasn't a fellow soldier; seeing him going feral when his two old friends died had been truly something, reason why he wouldn't be like this after losing what she had.

"You need a break from all this, Levi. I'd suggest you go for a walk or something… just make sure to go outside this place a couple hours" she attempted, as casual as possible "You're getting crankier than normal and that's not good to anybody. The guys play the fool because they need that to stay sane, and in their case it's even more imperative when having you as their boss" she joked not to make him uneasy "Remember: we all need a break".

"And where should I go, according to you?'' despite avoiding staring at him, the unemotional tone was enough to gather he was sending daggers at her right now.

"Mmm well…" he hadn't been truly asking for advice but that's exactly what she went for, and stroked her chin thoughtfully, to keep things light "Go get a good drink at a tavern maybe, or a book from the library..." she kept talking, though she now also pursed her lips "Except the last isn't possible given how late it is" Hange uttered, with her bottom lip jutting out in frustration but then her face lit up when she looked up and saw a throbbing vein in his neck "A tea shop! You pretty much know every single one in town so, what if…"

"Oi, oi, shut that hole already" he commanded, walking towards the desk to retrieve his empty cup before heading outside, missing the smirk on her friend's face.

"I'll demand a report tomorrow, you hear me?" she said right before he left, to give him a little push "I'm serious, Levi!"

"Tch!" was the only thing she got in return before he disappeared behind the door.

Once out, his feet carried him to the stairs, right to the small room he owned two floors below, however the soldier couldn't help wondering what he should do. He wasn't going to follow Hange's idiotic suggestions, but she was right about him needing to do something 'cause the lack of sleep was killing him; he'd been in such a bad mood that it took everything in him not to beat the shit out that insolent, redhead punk who despite not verbally tempting his luck, still dared looking at him defiantly, believing himself safe because of the investigation.

No more excuses, it was time to face her no matter how fearful he got; a rather unknown, weird feeling considering she'd never try to hurt him. Just tell her you don't feel like talking, his inner self offered when he tried to plan what the hell to say to her, knowing she wouldn't get mad or anything. So, he simply nodded once, having made up his mind at last.

It was barely 7:45 PM, meaning her shift at the hospital would soon be over, but in view of his recent behavior, he refused the idea of her minding to cook extra, so he decided to go fetch some food from the kitchens and dine there, glad to know he'd have the place for himself now that the brats should be done with theirs. And though he wasn't that hungry, he forced himself to have a bowl of vegetable soup and a small piece of bread before going back to his place.

It's still early, he thought as he checked the time on the small, old clock in the wall, deciding he'd wait until past 10PM. The woman rarely went to bed that early anyways.

Getting nervous over a lady, huh? somehow, Farlan's voice popped in his head making fun of him, but Levi ignored it monumentally, just as he used to whenever he mentioned people having a crush on him.

He took his time to remove the straps around his body, leaving them inside the laundry basket along with his clothes, remaining only in his pants and shirt, with a white towel on his shoulder to go take a shower. By the time he began climbing the stairs, like he did every day, his voice returned, sounding between amused and curious when his mind recalled one specific, mindless encounter at the same spot, where all her apologies started.

You didn't fear her back then, did you? he was talking about one morning, months ago, when the woman addressed him for the very first time and he couldn't have cared less. Then don't fear her now, Levi... Farlan encouraged him and then vanished, managing to get a snort from him because the idiot was probably right.

Get your shit together and just go to her, asshole… his inner self demanded and he complied; good or bad, he couldn't delay this any longer or he'd go insane. So, taking a quick shower, he put on a white, clean shirt, a pair of black pants and blazer, his boots, used the towel to squeeze the water out from his hair, combed it, arranged the minor mess he made and finally headed out. However, when Levi reached the ground floor, his body automatically hid behind the stairs when saw Connie walking on his tiptoes with a paper bag in his arms.

Not at all suspicious, he thought, especially when the brat darted his face from one place to another to make sure he was alone. Evidently, guessing what he was onto was no surprise because he was surely stealing food for Sasha, but he didn't have the time or the energy to deal with it now. Catching him red-handed sounds better, he was already planning one good lesson as he waited for him to disappear down the hall, going the other way.

The new moon left everything in such darkness that had he not got his nonhuman skills he sure would have needed a lantern to get there, even more so to use the emergency stairs. What he had not been expecting was to see no light coming from her house when he made it there.

What else did you expect? A welcome party? his wry self asked when a big part of him lost heart, the one longing to see her open that door yet the other breathed out much more relaxed, believing the nonsense that he'd gained extra time to prepare himself. Problem now was his unwillingness to sneak inside through the window despite having permission, just because it felt as disrespectful as having her making dinner given his behavior. He considered knocking but chose not to after pressing his ear against the door, noting silence reigned inside there.

Stalling earlier was a shitty idea, wasn't it? Frustrated and pissed at himself, Levi looked all around before turning to leave but when his eyes glanced at the plants, he immediately recalled one specific morning after coming back from their final training session outside town.

"Don't bother on leaving it unlocked" he'd said, pointing at her window "You already have a criminal that likes to frequent your house and knows his way in so take no unnecessary risk" she first smiled in amusement and then gave him a playful nudge in his arm "I'm serious, woman" he'd insisted, frowning in reproval.

"I know, I get it. I just don't want you to because you're not a criminal anymore, Levi. And you're always welcomed here" she'd said, grabbing his hand, squeezing it gently as she looked him straight in the eye "Actually, I just thought of something I know you'll dislike but it'll come in handy whenever you arrive late at night, or need some time for yourself while I'm at work" after that, she began to explain the idea as she led him inside the house, unable to stop herself from chuckling at his horrified expressions.

To be honest, he still considered it reckless but now that he was staring at the neatly organized three dozen pots onto those rustic shelves she'd built and placed at the front of the house, he saw her point, 'cause finding the spare key wouldn't be easy to anybody who didn't know where to look, which brought him to the part she had assumed he'd hate, being 100% right.

Getting dirty is the least you could do, rat... Sighing in resignation, the man searched for the third flowerpot on the second shelf to the left and located the one with blue windflowers in the middle row, the one that had two small rocks away from the plant's stem, Levi wrinkled his nose and shivered when his fingers dug the wet, cold soil at the opposite side of them and found the tiny object. A bronze, dirty key he rapidly cleaned with the piece of cloth he always carried around, as well as his fingers before proceeding.

Having put the key back in the pot and closed the door behind him, the soldier inhaled the air in there, rejoicing in the familiar scent that made him feel unconsciously safer; it was faint yet his eyes searched for her despite knowing she was behind the second door to the left, in her room. However, since the man could still feel the dirt in his fingers, he chose to first wash his hands in the bathroom before hanging his jacket and cravat on the rack. As soon as he placed his boots next to the stand, not wanting to delay this any longer, Captain Levi put on the slippers she kept there and followed the hallway until reaching the right door, turned the knob and pushed the large piece of wood carefully.

Dimly lit by the glowing ore he'd given to her, the place wasn't as bright as when the moonlight shined outside but it served its purpose for it was more than enough to see it looked the same: tidy, clean and cozy, exactly like the last time he'd been there, two weeks ago. However, unlike that night, she wasn't sleeping on the bed or anywhere around.

Boo hoo! You really thought she'd be waiting here 'til you decided to show up someday? the mean side of him mocked his disappointment, but it was right.

She's probably still at the hospital... he mused, because that wasn't rare, so she could be arriving any time.

It's a Saturday night, so getting an invitation to have some fun is also... clenching his teeth with all his might, he blocked the thought whereas his masochistic self enjoyed what he'd imagined.

No. If she isn't there, then the old hag might have invited her home for dinner or something... reason stepped in, offering a much simpler scenario, far nicer, well aware that the healer wouldn't stay over.

What if major asshole came back? a vein popped out in the soldier's neck as hatred took over him, imagining her in that smiling jerk's company, and her smiling back like he'd seen before.

You truly think so? For an instant he thought she'd returned and so looked behind but soon realized he'd heard that in his head, a poor echo of her sweet voice that managed to help him to ease down once he recalled the decision she made about that douche, so he could move on.

Letting out one long breath out, the man walked in, moving to the other side of the room where he sat on the floor, under the windowsill, choosing to wait for a while at least. So bending one knee, he placed his forearm on it and extended the other leg before resting his head and back on the wall behind, unwilling to move anything there in case the healer didn't show up.

Staying still and focusing exclusively on where he was at the moment, Levi took some joy in the quietness there, of a very different kind than the one in his room back at HQ; that silence was unsettling whilst the one in here generated the complete opposite, though he couldn't pretend the flowery scent didn't have something to do with it. His eyes darted to her bed, where he pictured the woman under the blankets, with her back to him and that attractive dark mane covering most of her pillow while the steady breathing got her body barely moving up and down, so relaxed that he couldn't help feeling the same, losing whatever strength he had left to fight his eyelids in the fear of seeing a field covered in red and hundreds of man being slaughtered.

You love her, Levi... his eyes popped open at those words and the voice of his friend, making him automatically look for him but darkness was all he found, unsure of where he was.

The soldier blinked hard a couple times and then recognized this familiar place thanks to the empty bed he'd envisioned her a moment ago, getting the impression that he'd been merely dozing for a few minutes, yet his pupils dilated in surprise when he checked the clock on the wall and discovered two hours had passed since he got here. Only then he noted something different, for he had a blanket on him, one he was positive he did not have before, but the most shocking thing was perceiving a slight weight against his right shoulder and that wonderful smell of flowers close, confirming who this was without the need to look.

When the man turned his head, the first thing he did was huff in exasperation at the woman beside him, fast asleep and in a similar position, arms folded but unlike him, her left shoulder was the one body part under the blanket.

Goddamn, Elia! he complained, realizing she undoubtedly made sure to cover more of him than herself, trusting the wool socks and thick pajamas she wore, one he knew, belonged to her father, would suffice.

"Argh, you're so fucking reckless sometimes..." he grumbled softly, shaking his head disapprovingly, unhappy about the uncommon paleness, clear sign that she was cold and not ever guessing her aspect was mostly related to the concern for him keeping her awake.

Seeing her behaving this foolishly had made him so mad that he completely forgot the anxiety and fear about this reunion, until he noticed the tightness in his chest gone, which dumbfounded him just as much as the sight of her leaning on him and the placid expression on her face.

Enjoy this and then fuck off, his inner self ordered, furious because he deserved nothing, especially such consideration and kindness, to which he automatically groaned, hating the reminder but the delight of her closeness was enough to send the gloomy thoughts momentarily away.

"You don't even resent me, do you?" the peace she provided was so powerful that it took everything in him not to hug her.

Get her to the bed, dumb ass! his common sense shouted, bringing him back, alarmed by the possibility of her catching a cold.

Moving fast but with caution, he took the blanket off, got on his knees in front of her and grabbed her by the shoulders to straighten her a little. When he made sure she wouldn't fall to the left, he got on his feet, folded the object and put it back at the foot of the bed, where she usually kept it. Then, taking another deep breath, he went back to where she was, noting the woman didn't even flinch when he effortlessly lifted her up nor when he surrounded her back with one arm and tucked the other under her knees, barely cradling her body to his.

She looks crappier than me, Levi thought as he got to see her better under the dim bluish light, curious at the innocent, completely relaxed demeanor making her look younger, very much like the day he found her fast asleep at the cemetery, a day he would never forget for several reasons, mainly because it was the day she lost everything and yet she seemed determined not to give up and let them down regardless them not ever coming back. That's how fiercely she loves, he thought, hoping she wasn't as attached as he was to her or he'd have to be nasty, fearing already that'd be the only way to pull this off.

Pathetic… his inner self mocked, because he couldn't even control his need for her, the current strain to subdue the wish to kiss her, now more than ever.

Realizing he couldn't do this right now and wouldn't wake her in vain, the soldier put the healer down with much care, resolving to come here to discuss serious shit some other time. So, once his hands pulled the bedclothes up and covered the woman up to the shoulders, Levi started making his way out but three steps away from leaving that room, his senses perceived some minor movement behind for which his body instinctively stopped, believing she was awake. And for the first time in his life, he slightly panicked at the prospect of answering questions she was absolutely entitled to ask.

"I've been the shittiest" turning his head to the left, he said, seeking to piss her off; she often did whenever he took a dig at himself but not ever to the point of yelling, which would have been great right now. Besides, it was the truth "You cannot deny it, Elia. Not this time".

"Levi" the man closed his eyes at the sound of her voice whispering his name. Although barely audible, it'd been a clear sound in the silence of the night, yet the sadness in it drove him to turn and face her. Nevertheless, he choked up when his eyes caught her facing his way, hugging his pillow tight while her forehead creased in distress "Just a tad longer…"

Am I leaving in her in there too? he mused, realizing she was talking in her sleep. Does she know? he wondered when he also noted her hands clasping the object as doubt crept inside him.

Unable to restrain himself, his feet carried him back to the bed, where he took a seat on the edge next to her and simply reached out, grazing the back of her hand with his fingertips.

"See? Gris is clueless about you turning into a cat. I swear" the healer said, genuinely worried.

"Tch" the soldier couldn't believe what was happening, how ridiculous that sounded yet it made him feel better somehow.

The healer's hand suddenly moved, getting a hold of his hand but what left him dumbstruck was the smile that soon appeared on her face, for it was the blissful one he got every time he seemed to make her happy.

Glancing back to the bedroom's door, the man sighed both dejected and resigned, unable to go against the wish to comply with her unconscious request, and truth to be told, his own as well.

Compelled by this but avoiding going under the sheets, Levi laid sideways beside her, supporting the weight of his head on his hand to gaze at her relaxed features and the peace she seemed to have, unable to provide a reasonable explanation as to why this woman could become so dangerously enticing sometimes; not that she wasn't right now but the sensation, his attraction to her, was considerably different than the times he lusted after her. No, what he wanted now was to simply hug her like he'd seen her hugging that pillow.

You want to give in, his heart begged yet he ignored it, focusing instead on her braided hair, almost certain her head would hurt later because of it so, in a matter of seconds, his skillful hands began untying it in order to prevent it, except they didn't stop there and continued to fondle it. And though her dark hair resembled the grim thoughts he'd been drowning in ever since Shiganshina, the softness perceived got him thinking about hope, which she effortlessly brought about with her mere presence, soothing his troubled spirit.

That's how love works, my friend… Erwin's voice returned, and he could even picture that silly, cheerful smile he'd not seen but a couple times in all those years. But he was beginning to understand what he meant by that because the thing was one rare miracle. One that not everyone comes to know, let alone have… well, that was no lie; it was the one thing he never sought yet it had still found him.

"That's exactly why it's not for me" he whispered, believing himself unworthy. To be treated this affectionately by someone this good… it shouldn't have happened.

Lost in thought as he'd been, Levi got startled when she suddenly opened her eyes and in the blink of an eye sat up straight, taking one hand to her chest, visibly agitated.

"It's just a nightmare, Elia" he heard the woman say to herself, trying to calm down, which he didn't like one bit.

"I damn hope it was 'cause turning into a cat sounds impractical" he said without much thinking "Not to mention idiotic".

From one moment to the next he saw her moving hastily towards the bedside table, clearly intending to get the titan ore, however, when the object was finally in her hand, she took forever to turn his way, giving the impression she was afraid, confusing him until the second he met her eyes and found nothing but surprise and relief, making the tightness in his guts go away the instant he saw her welcoming smile.

"I thought it was dream" she muttered, unaware of the wonderful mess she caused when her hand reached out to him and cupped his left cheek with tenderness "It's good to see you, Captain".

"Elia…" he began to say but couldn't bring himself to apologize when those words weren't enough to make amends for everything he'd done lately, not just to her.

"There's no need, Levi. I'm just glad you're here" of course she'd figured what was going inside him, at least partly, which only got him averting his eyes, full of shame.

"Go back to sleep. I'll get going now" he told, this time agreeing the voice in his head, calling him a coward.

"Let's make a deal" the woman offered and lowered her hand in view of his lack of response "How about you do once I drift off? If you have a couple minutes, of course. I know you've been busy" that unwavering faith in him made him so sick in spite of not being a total lie.

"Wish you were at least mad at me" out of respect, he looked her in the eye, loathing everything about him in her stead "There's been a ton of shit to do but I could have come here sooner hadn't I postponed it over and over".

"Does that mean you don't have to go at once?" he suspected she monumentally ignored that to avoid a fight, which, again, would have made things easier for him but Elia resorted to violence when extremely necessary, never to solve things, no matter how unpleasant they were. Even so, he wasn't blind to the sting of sadness in the gray of her eyes at his words.

"No" he should have lied; he knew so very well but it was damn hard when a huge part of him didn't want to hurt her more. As a matter of fact, that same part was begging him not to go through what he'd planned. Not yet.

"Good. Then say no more and turn around, please" the healer asked, maintaining eye contact and that serene, straight face despite his bafflement at the request.

"Is that really all you'll say?" he wanted to know, because he was having a hard time with himself already and deep down just wanted to be punished somehow, and who better than the person he loved, treating him like the piece of shit he was, or demand an explanation, to say the least.

"Words aren't always necessary, Captain" the woman replied without a change in her demeanor. She was just waiting patiently for him to do as she asked "I'm tired, and I can tell that so are you, so let's have that conversation later, shall we?"

Not knowing what to reply or do, the soldier simply obeyed and resignedly turned the other way, folding his arms, imagining this could be some kind of penance, maybe. Kenny always berated him for whatever he didn't do right so maybe she…

You honestly think she'd act like him? For real smartie ass?!

Before he got to answer that, Levi felt a pair of slender arms enfolding his torso and her legs entwining slightly in his, right before feeling her burying her face in the back of his head. Not a rare behavior in her but he couldn't help stiffing at first, astounded yet his muscles soon relaxed. How could they not when the woman's affectionate touch was as sincere as ever.

"Why won't you lose it with me?" he asked, fighting the urge to wrap her arms with his "I don't deserve this, Elia…"

"What makes you think you're the only one feeling undeserving?" she said after like a whole minute, sighing tiredly but not at all letting go of him "I wanted to see you, that's no lie but I too feel ashamed and wasn't entirely ready to talk" he wasn't getting it and the heat of her breath near his skin didn't help.

"That makes no sense" he retorted and attempted to turn his face to the side, trying to see her but the woman didn't let him "What wrong have you done?"

"The day you arrived..." Elia shared because she imagined he also felt the same, only far worse; surviving most of his comrades was something but the loss of his friend and what he might have endured in that fight surely changed many things "You all seemed far from being okay yet all I could feel was gratitude and joy of seeing you again, especially you" his pupils flared in surprise at such confession and how she tightened her embrace "I wasn't blind to what you, officer Hange and the young ones lost, and still, my selfishness overshadowed common sense, letting you and myself down".

Notwithstanding he comprehended better, he couldn't believe his ears, for she was, indeed, troubled. Moved by her genuine guilt, he lost control and placed his arms over hers, bringing her closer, still fearing what she might think of him afterwards but above all, fearing how capable of forgiveness she was, which wouldn't make things easy.

"Does that have anything to do with your eyes being abnormally glossy and swollen?" he asked, tilting his head to the side but she refused to let him see her. Elia's cheek wouldn't leave his nape.

"My sleeping problem is nothing compared to yours. I even conceived someone, somehow, managed to take a swipe at you" Elia mocked, and he could tell she smiled, not at her words but the way his fingertips distractedly caressed her hands.

It was the peaceful moment both had desperately needed, of longing and understanding, where passion was the last thing on their minds. He realized they shared such a powerful connection that it made him forget about everything else, including the demons haunting him; safe in ways he didn't fully get.

She protects you from yourself, Levi… Erwin said in his head, but before he could grasp the meaning of that, her voice distracted him.

"Thanks for taking me to bed" she muttered, and he noticed how sleepy she was getting.

"The hell, Elia. Why didn't you just get in here in the first place?" he complained, snorting exasperatedly "You get all bossy about people's health but neglect yourself like this…"

"Bossy, huh?" she pinched his arm jokingly and he pulled her even closer, but she just chuckled "You're raising an eyebrow at me right now, aren't you?"

"The hell I am. I demand a reasonable explanation" that amused her too and the glorious sound of her laughter made him so happy, a feeling he thought forever gone.

"It wasn't cold when I got here and seeing you in nothing but that shirt worried me. I would have tried lifting you up but since I thought it was a dream, sitting beside you seemed a better idea".

"A shitty idea. Dream or not, you should have just covered me and got in here" he pointed out, unaware that he too sounded sleepy. Two minutes passed without hearing a reply, leading him to believe she'd fallen back asleep "You shouldn't have, Elia".

"Dream or not, I'd do it again because I wouldn't want you to get sick" he felt the warmth of her lips planting a soft kiss on the back of his right shoulder "And I've missed you terribly, so you better save the scolding for another time, Captain" her beautiful voice whispered, without letting go of him.

Once again, she'd left him at loss for words by just being her natural self, so honest and caring. But what could he say in return when he'd come here wanting to end things, to let her go and have a better life, away from a stained, worthless piece of shit like him. Nothing. He could say absolutely nothing except trying to etch in his memories the bliss from having her one last time.

I've missed you more than I can explain… he answered in his head, ignoring the ache in his heart, despite knowing she no longer could listen, according to the loosened pressure of her arms around him.

"Goodnight, Elia" he muttered before closing his eyes and giving in, feeling both physically and mentally drained, yet finally not afraid of what he would see because he was safe in these arms.


You don't look well, dear, Gris had said that very afternoon during lunch, that Tom had also mentioned the night before, both evidently worried. So much so that her mentor pretty much forced her to go dine with her, just to make sure she had a proper meal, reason why she ended up getting home later than usual. In fact, she nearly gave in when her friend asked her to stay over but she didn't trust she'd look any better in the morning, so she headed home, killing whatever hope to see him as soon as she crossed the door connecting to the roof and her house looked as dark as every other night lately.

Be patient, Elia, one tired healer told herself after throwing her belongings onto the small couch, not even bothering on lighting the candlesticks when all she wanted was to lay down on her bed, expecting Gris' meal would help tonight. Those had been her thoughts as she walked through her hallway, having missed completely the jacket hanging on the coat rack or the boots next to it. It wasn't until she got inside her bedroom after coming back from the bathroom that her body froze at the sight of a man sitting on the floor, right under her window, head down, arms crossed, and legs extended.

Girl, you're losing it, truth to be told, it was the first thing that came to her mind; being deprived from sleeping could cause hallucinations, and this wasn't the first.

It may be unreal, but you could just indulge yourself for a while, the voice in her head advised, which made some sense because it could help her sleep.

Deciding to get carried away by the pleasant view of that sleeping man, she quickly changed into her father's flannel sleepwear and wool socks, perfect for this chilly night, grabbed the light-blue blanket and approached to the wonderful vision of the one she loved, looking ridiculously cute as he dozed on the floor.

"You may be unreal, but I could never leave you sleeping like this" she whispered as she put the blanket on him, careful not to touch him or he'd vanish, as it happened every single time she'd tried, so she simply took a seat next to him, with her knees to her chest and arms around them to prevent herself from ruining this.

So far, it was the most perfect vision her mind recreated, because she could even perceive the magnificent smell of black tea and soap mixed with that manly scent of his, so soothing that she soon found herself leaning her head on her knees to contemplate him better, delighted by those strong but relaxed features in spite of the darkness surrounding them.

After that it wasn't long before she too closed her eyes for a while, as they felt so heavy and her body so sore and tired after these stressful days.

No!

Breathing hard, she woke up and immediately sat up on her bed, taking a hand to her chest when the pain returned due to the dream she'd been having. Or so she'd assumed before her eyes widened in surpriseand her heart started to pound harder at the sound of that deep, unmistakable voice coming from needed to see better so she quickly got a hold of the titan glass, but the instant her fingers got a hold on the object, Elia took a deep breath, scared to find out her mind was playing her again.

It's him, her whole being quieted down when her palm felt his skin against it, confirming how real he was, that he was finally back.

But there had been so much pain and doubt in those steel blue eyes that she decided to be cautious in her approach, which had been why she'd asked him to turn the other way, just to grant him the space he needed; at the end, her hug should be the one to let him know she was there for him, as she always would be.

Truth to be told, hearing him confess he'd stayed away from her by own choice hurt, but she got comprehended his motives regardless not knowing them all. First and foremost, Levi never acted lightly and no matter how tough and strong he was, he hated disappointing the very few he cared for, even feared it, up to the point of believing they'd walk away if he failed; after all, it's what his uncle's behavior and teachings had taught him. Besides, Commander Erwin's death had been such a blow to everyone, them specially, and all this added to the tension and visible exhaustion explained many things he'd surely not say. Actually, she'd tried not to mention the last but he brought it up, except concerned for her yet Elia could tell he wasn't well, so she chose not say a word about Shiganshina until the soldier did, but he clearly wasn't in the mood for it and no one could blame him; the mission had succeeded but the consequences had been terrible, and the guilt of surviving was hitting him harder than usual. It had been why she shared her own sort of guilt, so he knew he wasn't alone in this, and yet knew it could never compare.

Yeah, but today's another day, her sister's voice popped in her head as she leant of her door frame, observing the sleeping man for like five minutes after having dressed in the same clothes from the day before, enjoying the sound of his steady breathing and the rain outside, the same that had awoken her half an hour ago. And he seemed better when you hugged him, sis, Ilva said when she remembered the nightmares in which he rejected her over and over, focusing instead on how he'd tightened her embrace.

"I'm glad you stayed," she muttered to the man whose slumber fortunately hadn't been interrupted, and then headed to the kitchen in no hurry. After all, it was 8AM on a Sunday, and he probably had no pressing matters to attend to either, other than the morning workouts with his kids.

They'll carry that out with or without me, she recalled he said this once, with that tone that sounded like a warning, making her half smile.

Little after that, Elia prepared herself some tea, trying to enjoy the dark liquid as she thought of the state in which she'd found him hours ago, hoping badly he hadn't spent much time on the floor, feeling awful for it.

He'd tell you to stop making a big deal out of it, the brown-eyed girl popped up in her mind, winking once, encouragingly. Yeah, and it's no biggie when he's sleeping like a log…

To be fair, she was making a good point, but that also worried her because the recent events had done nothing but aggravated his insomnia. The one small detail cheering her spirit up now was noting that he rarely got to rest for several hours straight with no need of any concoction or a massage, so this looked promising. Not at all guessing it'd been her warmth and iron faith in him that did the trick, because he felt completely safe there, sheltered, even from himself.

Letting the man have some more rest, the healer gulped the warm beverage and nodded once, determined to make of this a good, quiet day for him, therefore, immediately applied herself to prepare breakfast, starting with boiling far more water than usual, unconsciously smiling to herself as she did, trying to guess how many cups of tea he'd have today.

As soon as she was done setting the table, Elia went back to the kitchen and on a small wooden tray she placed a plate with four boiled eggs, six thick slices of bread on another, and three green apples on the side, leaving their cups on an old tea platter she recently acquired.

Everything was ready, so walking on her tiptoes, she checked up on the soldier, who thankfully hadn't uncovered himself and continued to sleep regardless the torrential rainfall outside.

"Half an hour" the healer murmured, leaving the door ajar before heading to her dinning-living room. It was 09:18, so despite seldom having breakfast this late, 10 AM still sounded reasonable for it.

Snorting in amusement, she sat cross-legged on her couch, knowing he'd get all cranky for allowing this nonsense considering he never slept in.

Just tell him you did because he looks like a raccoon, the Ilva in her head laughed as she began redoing her braid, noting the gray outside grew darker and the rain got heavier.

She smiled to herself because the comment wasn't solely her imagination. Her sister indeed had claimed he looked like that for real, expressing how worrying those permanent circles under his eyes were, to what father had guessed the soldier suffered from chronic insomnia, and offered his help if he wanted it but Elia figured her sister never had the chance to tell him, for days later everything changed.

"And you were both right" she said while contemplating the hundred trickles of water sliding down her window, grateful to remember these sorts of little details, helping her feel them closer now that she became wistful, longing for the past.

You have the Captain, and also a good friend beside you, sis, her sister's voice retorted.

I do, Elia answered in her heart, tremendously grateful to Gris, whose invitation contributed to make this encounter happen, otherwise she'd have been asleep by the time he got here, and in view of his state of mind, Levi would have left without a word.

The downpour outside was so pacifying that, deep in thought as she was, the healer got startled when a loud clap of thunder sounded overhead, jolting her back into the world of the living, but in truth it was something else that made the young woman frown in confusion, because there was a second roar kind of hidden in the reverberation of it, and then she heard a familiar voice speaking through clenched teeth, making it hard to understand due to the heavy rain, but there was undoubtedly cursing involved.

Someone broke in! she feared, not for the soldier but whoever intruded her place, someone who could potentially end up dead.

Shockingly, as soon as she rushed in her room, Elia froze at the sight of Levi lying on his back on the bed, uncovered, arms at his sides while his hands clasped the bed sheets with all his might, oddly resembling the way he held his blades.

"There's no way out this time, you piece of shit" he snarled all of a sudden, while his eyes moved frantically under the eyelids, speaking with a quiet fury she'd never witnessed before. Nonetheless, it was the wet hair and beads of sweat on his forehead what made her uneasy.

Wasting no time, the healer dashed off to get cold water and a compress, returning in no time. She set down the bucket on the floor, where she damped the piece of cloth.

"Levi" she called, trying to wake him up before placing the wet object on his forehead "Levi, please, open your eyes" Elia asked, not liking the way his expression showing such hatred and disgust; clear sign that he was having a nightmare.

He's burning, worried sick after placing her palm on his cheek, the healer realized moving him was the only option left, but the second her hands got a grab of his shoulders, everything became blurred before abruptly landing onto the mattress quite aggressively, face up and gasping for air. It all had happened so fast that just now she got to notice the silhouette of someone getting on top of her, pinning her arms and legs down with his to immobilizing her completely, which wasn't even needed when she was still too stunned to even try.

"Levi!" she tried screaming but the lump in her throat barely allowed a pitiful sound to come from her mouth, not only out the soldier's reaction to the contact but to see he was still trapped in the nightmare.

Elia couldn't help whining in pain when she tried breaking loose, because the more she tried, the harder he pressed.

"Not fun when it's you about to die, isn't it?" the man said, squeezing his eyes shut and planting his knife against her throat, the same he usually kept tied to his shin, hidden under the pants "Just try not to go so soon 'cause we paid a great deal to see you choking in your own filthy blood".

Move, Elia! Ilva's voice shouted to make her react, getting right then and there that there'd be no way to get free without hurting him.

Well aware that she only had one chance to make this work, the woman focused whatever energy she had in her legs to get rid of his grip by pulling her foot, which she managed to slide out of her sock, and taking a deep breath, the healer kneed him hard in his groin, succeeding on making him lose balance to break free and push him to the side, feeling sick and so full of remorse when she glimpsed he'd finally woken up yet his face was distorted in pain as he laid curled up beside her with a clenched jaw.

There was no other way, sis, Ilva's voice came back given the guilt she was feeling, reminding her of the day she'd taught her how to move in case a creep tried anything. Hit them in the balls, she'd commanded as she shook her head, disapproving the idea because she knew that was their most sensitive weak point, no matter their size and strength.

Once her own adrenaline settled down and he got on his four, Elia got off the bed and moved to the chair, where she slowly took a seat, only now noticing she'd been panting as well.

"Are you OK?" she asked when she finally dared checking up on him, glad to hear her voice went back to normal, showing nothing more but the true concern for him "Levi" she tried again, placing her hands on her knees, squeezing them to control the tension. She wanted to get closer, but something told her it wasn't wise yet.

The healer got no response whatsoever except seeing him taking a seat on her usual side of the bed, with his back to her, head down though not in dejection; the way his muscles tensed showed nothing but anger, resembling the storm raging outside that somehow grew louder in the past minute, just like the turmoil inside her.

"Talk to me, Levi. I must know if you're okay" for some reason, all Elia wanted was to cry, not for what just happened but because of a weird, suffocating sensation spreading inside her chest, an anguish she had not felt in a long time.

"YOU ask me that? Seriously?" the dry, furious tone provided the answer she'd looked for, but it was the manner in which he got up and intended to head out what made her truly feel worse.

"Please, Levi, it's no big deal..." he stopped.

"Killing you ain't a big deal, right?" he interrupted her to simply repeat the words, sneering with disdain as he kept walking barefoot towards the door.

"Oh no, you stop right there" she snapped, rushing after him, grabbing him by the cuffs in his white shirt, ignoring the cold shiver running up her spine when he wriggled out of her grip "You're not the first sleepwalker I've seen, it's very frequent when you work at a hospital so don't exaggerate things. It's just an accident."

"Accident, huh?" the soldier replied, avoiding her gaze with everything he had in him. And although his voice was low and plain, not at all like the one she heard while asleep, she could tell he was fuming"Should I call it that after finding you lying dead beside me?" the sarcasm, unlike other times, was not meant to amuse but to annoy her, and it was working.

"Don't twist my words. You know what I meant, so don't you dare doing that" Elia began to say, mad and desperate to let him know she truly considered it so but during those few seconds, the soldier resumed his steps and found his way to the coat stand, where he put his boots on, dead silent while she stared from a couple feet away, racking her brains to make him understand but by the time he put the jacket on, she still couldn't find them, ignoring there was so much more going in inside his head, things she knew nothing about "Stop. Please, Levi" he'd been about to open the door when the plea came out, and only then he turned to look at her.

"That's the problem, you know?" he said, but his words didn't hurt as much as expressionless face, because his beautiful eyes never lied, and this time all they showed was an immense sadness, rage and fear of her "I'm not twisting anything. What's twisted and wrong is me. So damn sick that I nearly took your life because of a stupid dream… Hell, it's so fucking absurd and frustrating that I'd laugh at myself for being so pitiful and useless".

"I should have left you alone, but the fever made me uneasy, but I swear you didn't do anything, not until I touched you. Startling you was my mistake, not yours" she began to explain hastily, fighting back the angry tears "I know you never meant to hurt me".

"For fuck sake, Elia, I attacked you!" he finally snapped at her, giving one step in her direction but stopping himself abruptly, fighting his own wish to come closer and make sure she was fine when his eyes looked to her neck, where she knew there was no cut or blood "What if I had killed you?" the soldier asked, clenching his fists with rage "What then?"

"But you didn't" the healer muttered, looking to her feet, so very remorseful for not being more careful "You didn't hurt me, or scared me. This, on another hand, is doing precisely that. So stop, please. We can work this out" even though her voice was calm, she was desperate on the inside for nothing seemed to work, no matter how she tried, he was determined to leave "Don't shut me out, Levi. Let me help you".

Elia had done her best not to cry but her eyes betrayed her this time. The tiredness, anxiety and sadness building up over the past weeks had been so much that she could no longer hold the treacherous tears back that simply started falling down her cheeks without permission.

"I'm cursed, Elia, and so is everything and everyone near me" he said, fighting the need to hold her when he saw he was hurting her in a very different way but there was no going back; he'd known even before this bloody incident "I actually came here to tell you I don't intent on bringing you down with me, so this is it".

"So you'll walk away, just like that?" she retorted, giving a step closer and he gave one back "I know you always feel terrible after the missions because you're the one still alive but you should know by now, that's not your fault. Them dying is not on you. It never has" he despised pity, so she tried sounding as mad as possible, but it wasn't working; he'd risen the invisible wall between them once again, taller than ever.

"I always thought you were bright but you're not acting the part now, woman" Levi retorted, using that callous tone of his, seeking to offend her "I'm a killer. My hands are stained because that's what I do, what I'm good at. And just so you know, I'm the reason why all of them are dead".

The statement had taken her aback so bad that Elia felt a speechless dread creeping over her when he said that, because he truly believed it; his eyes showed nothing but pain and an overwhelming wrath, staggering her. Unfortunately, in that blink of an eye the soldier turned and walked out of her house, completely unaffected by the storm out there, but how could he when the one inside him was far worse.

"You're not" the healer whispered to the grim-faced man that had just left and gulped as she tried to collect herself.

No matter how bad she wanted to hug him, even yell at him how wrong about himself he was, she couldn't do much when she ignored what happened in Shiganshina, and chasing after him wasn't wise because he seriously didn't want her to, so time and space was all she could grant for now.

What if he never comes back? the voice inside her asked, sad and for the first time, hopeless. After all, Levi was more than capable of that.


I know, I've been a terrible person for taking so long but the fact that my computer decided to die on me about two months ago had a lot to do with it, and of course, stress. So, my sincere apologies for the long delay, as well as the recent events between these two, which makes me feel like a villain. :C

Still, I hope you enjoyed it.

Namárië