The first rays of the morning sun pierced through frosty air and streamed in through the Owlery. I had gone to send a letter to my parents, but found an owl who also bore a letter from my parents. He had been waiting to fly in with the morning mail, but upon seeing me, he diligently stuck his foot out. I reached for it and with numb fingers, took it and unfolded it.
Dear Ray,
I hope all is well. I know it must be difficult for you, not being able to talk about Jamie's injury to anyone. Please try to understand- it's best for him. If the news gets out, he'll never have a moment of rest and most likely, you'll never have a moment of rest. For now, it's best to lay low and concentrate all our efforts on Jamie recovering. I hope you're not angry with us.
Tell us about your classes and your friends when you get the chance and try to stay cheerful, sweetheart. It's hard, we know, but we've all got pull through, for Jamie. We're fighting to stay strong, but he's fighting for his life right now.
We love you very much and wish you the best. Stay safe.
Love you with all our hearts,
Mum and Dad
I folded the letter back up with tense hands, and tried not to feel. I could only wish my heart was as numb as my fingers.
Gryffindor had managed to win the Quidditch Cup in an awe-inspiring match. Apparently a good whack from Sirius had managed to knock out the Hufflepuff Seeker cold for a good twenty minutes, which was plenty of time for James to snatch the Snitch.
I saw Sirius strutting down the hallway the next very day with Peter beside him and girls flitting around them.
As usual, when Sirius Black was in the vicinity, I became reduced to a pair of eyeballs.
Our eyes met when we were only a few feet apart. His eyebrows raised haughtily and he made to pass me by again. Peter, also only a few feet away, did not notice me either.
I knew that it shouldn't matter, but I couldn't help it. I wondered, Am I invisible? If I am, does that make me worthless?
I began to feel painfully embarrassed, angry, and above all, frustrated- so much so that I had to do something, anything.
I stuck out my foot, and Sirius Black went sprawling. He crashed unceremoniously to the stone floor.
A nearby Slytherin guffawed in laughter. Peter stared at me, open-mouthed.
"What the hell?!" Sirius groaned.
Turning to him with my fists clenched, I nearly shouted, "If you've got something to say, then spit it out!"
Sirius got to his feet and retorted angrily. "I should be saying that to you! Say something before you trip me! What the hell is wrong with you?"
I flinched. Well, he might be right. In retrospect, tripping someone is probably not the best way to get their attention.
But I replied, "If you're angry at me, then say something!"
"Like what?" Sirius snorted. "To hell with you? Or better yet, leave me alone?"
I flushed. That's all he wanted, was it? To leave him alone.
"What did I say that was so wrong?" I asked him, feeling the anger drain away into something much more vulnerable.
People were beginning to gather around us, with whispers of, "Is there a fight? A fight?"
Sirius shook his head and muttered, "Look, just drop it, Kingsley".
"I don't know why you think Sirius Black would care about you," someone called from the crowd. A large number of them burst out laughing, some applauded.
"After all," someone else tacked on, "it's not like you're your sister."
"Or even your brother!" someone else jeered, rousing much laughter.
It's cruel, I thought, the way they compare me to my siblings.
I tried to keep my voice controlled and steady as I focused on Sirius. "I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I didn't mean for you to take it that way. I just meant that... Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I said what I did. But I wasn't ever trying to hurt you."
Sirius shook his head and quickly began to walk away but I swear when I caught a glimpse of his face, it was no longer angry, but a mess of emotions: defensiveness, confusion, and disagreement.
Feeling even worse about myself, I pushed through the throng of sniggering people and headed up to the History of Magic Tower.
Fortunately, two things made History of Magic unusually interesting and kept my mind off of Sirius. Let me place stress on the world unusually.
The biggest shock came from the unlikeliest of places: from Professor Binns himself.
He floated in through the chalkboard.
Yes, floated.
Yes, floated through.
He was a ghost.
My mouth dropped open.
Someone shrieked loudly.
Someone else shouted, "Merlin's beard!"
A table ahead, Lily was openly gaping. Her hands curled tight around her textbook in fright and awe.
Professor Binns did not give us a single glance, but instead, monotonously began to call roll, getting all our names wrong per usual.
"Do you… Do you think he's aware…?" I asked Audrey questioningly.
He shrugged. "I don't see how he couldn't be. But then again, I never saw much of anything in Binns."
But after the shock of it wore off, even in ghost form, I couldn't keep my eyes fixed on Binns without having them slip shut every few seconds.
"Only Binns could be a ghost and still manage to be boring," I complained. Audrey laughed.
The second thing was that George Bones was finally back in our History of Magic class. Though Professor Binns was, of course, totally impervious to the unusually somber atmosphere of the class (not surprisingly, seeing as he'd not reacted to his own death), we all, Audrey included, gathered around after class to offer him our condolences.
"'Course," Audrey said grimly. "Truth is, his is not the only family to be affected. More and more Death Eaters are getting branded every day, it's only a matter of time, really."
"Branded?" I said, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "That's an odd way to say recruited."
Audrey's voice seemed forced as he answered in a would-be nonchalant voice. "It's… part of the recruitment process."
"And how," I said, feeling the dread spread through my veins, "would you know that?"
"How do you think?" Audrey retorted in a taunt voice.
He suddenly pulled me over under an abandoned window and harshly pulled up his left sleeve.
A ray of winter sunlight fell on his inner left forearm, where a black mark that featured a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth was etched.
He hastily pulled down his sleeve and said, "You can't tell anyone or we'll both die."
"Audrey," I breathed out. "What did you-?"
Audrey cut me off. "Listen, Raylynx, things are going to start happening. Things that are too dark that we can't even imagine them right now. Be smart and be safe."
He grasped my shoulder for a brief moment before he left me standing there, terrified, and in utter disbelief.
Not only because I was suddenly faced with the very stark reality that terrible things had already been set in motion among us Hogwarts students, and not only because Audrey was involved, but also because I suddenly understood what had happened to Regulus. I had seen this mark before- on Regulus' left arm the night of the Ball. I now knew what Regulus had become: a Death Eater.
My heart was uneasy as I waited in the entrance hall for Sirius. I still didn't know if I was doing the right thing.
Maybe it's not my place to tell Sirius. But the truth is that, as horrible as this news is, I would want to know, if it was my sibling. And most importantly, what if Sirius can help Regulus?
I spotted him entering with James, Remus, and Peter and shouted to him across the hall. "Sirius! Sirius!"
When he didn't acknowledge me, I raced across the entrance hall and blocked his way.
"Ray!" James exclaimed, startled.
"Sirius, I need to talk to you," I said firmly.
"I really don't want to see you right now," Sirius mumbled, turning away.
I grabbed his arm and said, "You have to hear me out!"
"I told you, I don't want to hear it."
"It's not about that!" I protested.
"Listen, Kingsley. I don't care."
"Er, Ray, maybe you should talk to him another time," James said looking concerned as I attempted to drag him to an isolated corner. He refused.
"Let go of me!" Sirius threw my hand off him. "Why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"
I nearly screamed with frustration. "Fine!" I spit out, exasperated. "Fine! I'll just say it right here then!"
"Yeah, if it'll make you piss off-!"
"Your brother's a Death Eater!"
Most everybody had already gone inside the Great Hall, so only Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter heard.
James' mouth dropped open and Peter flinched.
"What?" Sirius said, completely taken aback.
Remus immediately put his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Sirius-"
"You're lying," Sirius accused me, but his voice was weak.
I stared at him, wishing more than anything I could affirm his accusation. Slowly, I shook my head.
Sirius shoved aside Remus and tried to enter the Great Hall.
James stepped in front of him and grabbed him with both hands. "Sirius, mate, calm down!"
"Get off!" Sirius roared and pushed aside James harshly before sprinting into the Great Hall where he spotted his brother.
"Sirius!" I called out, taking off after him.
I caught up with him just as he'd managed to track down and confront his brother at the Slytherin table.
"Regulus."
Regulus' expression betrayed his shock but he quickly controlled himself and narrowing his eyes said crisply, "What brings you here?"
"You," Sirius growled angrily.
"Not me, surely?" Regulus raised a skeptical eyebrow, "Not after shunning your so-called family. Of course, we aren't family anymore. Not after Mother blasted you off the tapestry. We celebrated afterwards with firewhiskey."
By now, James, Remus, and Peter had caught up to us and a number of nearby Slytherins had taken interest in the fact that Sirius Black, who retched near anything Slytherin, was at their table.
"And is that why you joined, to stay on that worthless tapestry?" Sirius barely managed to keep his voice low enough, but he did not give Regulus away, even as a group of Slytherins gathered around us. James warily reached into his robes, where his wand was. Peter cowered behind Remus, who was solemnly looking at Sirius and only Sirius.
Sirius' words caught Regulus off guard, but Regulus stood firm and said in a tone of utmost bitterness, "Don't tell me you've gone soft and braved the Slytherin table to try to change my mind."
Sirius remained silent but tension rolled off of him in heavy waves.
"You're too late, Sirius," Regulus said tauntingly. "You should have seen this coming years ago."
"Regulus…" Sirius said warningly, but though his tone was threatening, there was such a soft plea underneath, a mixture of regret and sorrow.
"I don't know you anymore," Regulus said sharply. "Get out of my sight."
Sirius stood there for a moment, his mouth clamped tightly shut and his heart bleeding as if Regulus had physically hurt him.
Then he stalked off, with James, Remus, and Peter rushing just behind him. I turned back to look at Regulus only to find Nott's hand in his robes, twitching with the anticipation of pulling out his wand.
I slowly backed away before taking off after Sirius, up to Gryffindor common room.
"Raylynx!" someone called.
"Not now, sorry!" I said and headed for the boys' dormitories.
Halfway up the stairs, I could hear Sirius shouting and loud crashes as things being thrown against the wall. Remus and Peter were sitting and fidgeting on the steps, looking tormented.
"Raylynx," Remus said, standing up.
A loud crash sounded through the air and we all winced.
"I shouldn't have told him," I said regretfully. "I'm such an idiot."
"No, you were right to do so. It was something he had to know," Remus said quietly, but we all flinched again when something else shattered against the wall and broke into a million pieces.
James' voice could be heard, trying to yell over Sirius and get him to calm down.
Peter put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.
"This is my fault," I said aloud, unable to justify my actions to myself. I thought I was helping Regulus, but I think I just hurt Sirius, and badly. "I shouldn't have told him. At least not like that."
When nobody replied, I got up and pushed open the door to their dorm room.
Something silver and metal smashed just over the door and shards of it fell into my hair and spilled all around me.
"Sirius, you've got to control yourself!" James was yelling, attempting to stop Sirius from seizing another object and smashing it against the wall.
But Sirius was beyond reasons, beyond words. He had failed in that which had defined him- his abilities to turn the odds, his unfailing loyalty to those close to his heart, his determination to protect those less able than him- the failure of Regulus represented all of these, these meager things that Sirius had to define himself. Pity swelled in my heart.
Then, I saw that Sirius' fists were bloody.
Without thinking, I rushed forward.
"Please, stop!" I said desperately, taking a glass globe from his hand and letting it fall to the floor.
"You're hurting yourself!" I cried out.
Behind me the door slammed open as Remus and Peter rushed in.
"Get out! All of you!" Sirius roared, shoving me aside. He nearly slammed me into the bookcase, but Remus caught and steadied me.
"Sirius…" Peter murmured hoarsely, but was unable to find any words to comfort him. Peter lingered by the doorway, unsure of Sirius' anger.
"Sirius!" Remus stepped forward and grabbed Sirius' shoulders. "Sirius, it's all right!"
At his words, Sirius finally paused.
"It's all right," Remus repeated fiercely.
"No, it's not," Sirius whispered in a bleeding voice. "It's irreversible."
"It doesn't matter," Remus replied firmly. "You can still make things right. What's important is that Regulus is alive. That's all. Everything else, we can deal with."
"Sirius." James spoke softly, "Remus is right."
Sirius shuddered and then he seemed to lose his strength all at once. Grasping onto Remus' arm for support, he fell back into a chair.
"He's my brother. I swore I'd protect him," Sirius whispered brokenly.
When Sirius said those words, I fully realized why my misunderstood accusation of "leaving Regulus behind" and why my telling him that Regulus was a Death Eater made him break down so intensely. I myself had never felt that love that an elder sibling had for their younger sibling. That is to say, I had recognized Regulus' love for Sirius, but I had always underestimated Sirius' love for his little brother. I felt a pang in my heart as I thought of Jamie and Sola.
Thoughts of Jamie, lying unconscious in a hospital bed, mixed with thoughts of Regulus, a young boy who had become a Death Eater far before he could comprehend what it meant. Of course, they were in vastly different circumstances and yet, I had the same hope in my heart for both of them.
"It's not over yet."
At first, Sirius seemed not to have heard me, but then, he nodded, accepting my words and the apology they carried.
Silence reigned, and Peter finally stepped further into the room. For a somber moment, we all stood together in the mess of shattered glass and broken objects.
Midterms were only a couple days away. I spent the grand majority of my time desperately trying to put some form of test-worthy knowledge into my brain.
The seventh years were kind enough to invite me to their study groups. Essentially, what would happen in those meetings was that someone would say something, everyone else would agree, "Right, yeah," and I would furiously write it down word-for-word so that I could unpack it in my brain at a much slower pace later.
After one of these long nights of studying, I crossed the common room towards the girls' sleeping quarters, when I bumped into Sirius.
I immediately avoided his eyes and stared down at my toes as I waited for him to pass me. But to my surprise, he didn't move past me.
"Kingsley," he said awkwardly.
"Sirius," I returned. I wanted to ask if he was feeling better, but I was too ashamed to.
"Prongs- James said he wanted us both to come over for Christmas holidays," Sirius finally said.
"That would be nice. Although, I don't want to be a burden to anyone," I said, thinking of Mr. and Mrs. Potter, but also of how much Sirius would probably detest having me there. I looked up at him worriedly, trying to read his face.
As usual, it was impossible to read and his eyes were even more unfathomable. There was something coiled tight there, some darkness that lay in wait.
But it was undetectable in his voice as he replied to me casually, "Don't think you'd be the burden. Not if I'm there."
"Mm," I said, not really sure if I was agreeing or disagreeing.
Sirius, apparently fed up with the awkwardness of our conversation, began to turn away from me. I let out a sigh and began to walk away myself, when suddenly he turned back and said, in a much less subdued voice, "I can't believe you tripped me like that. Completely out of the blue. What got into you?"
Startled into truthfulness, I blurted out, "You deserved it."
"Debatable," Sirius said. "But whatever I did, it was still an immature thing to do."
My mouth opened in indignation. "You're judging me?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked haughtily.
"What do you think it's supposed to mean? Do you have any awareness of what you're like? You act half your age, and you're more prissy than any woman I've ever met!" I mocked him in a falsetto voice. 'Leave me alone! I'm sensitive! Don't touch me!'
"Oh, that's rich," Sirius shot back. "Coming from the likes of you. I'm surprised you know what it means to be feminine. I mean, can you even call yourself a woman?"
"Of course I am! What else would I be?" I asked, confused.
"A loser," Sirius snorted.
"If I'm a loser, you're a complete dickhead," I retorted.
"Well, you're a right wanker."
"Twat."
"Sod."
"Tosser."
"Berk."
I shook my head and said, "Right, whatever, I'm going up to bed."
Sirius smirked and called up after me, "Seems your vocabulary's rather limited. A good indication of your brain size."
"Piss off, you bastard," I muttered, heading to my dorm.
"What did you just say?" Lily's menacing voice reached my ears as I opened the door.
"Oh, um… Pishoff the Master? The Bulgarian Minister of Affairs in 1742?" I made up hastily.
Lily's snort far surpassed Sirius' and rivaled that of a stallion's. "Yeah, right. Real smooth, Ray. I hope you're better prepared for your exams."
I laughed a high, unconvincing giggle and said airily, "Prepared for exams?"
"Oh, good. I love it when you display confidence," Dorcas quipped, and Marlene and Alice burst into laughter.
Transfiguration and History of Magic were much the same type of exams we had had every previous year, except the questions were far more stimulating and covered a vaster extent of knowledge.
Alchemy was a simultaneously practical and written exam where the results had to be recorded right after each test in a series of experiments. It was one of the exams I had worried most about, but to my utter amazement, the observations that Snape had so accurately ascribed to our first experiment were so detailed it provided half the answers for the exam on its own. The test confirmed what Lily had always told me about Snape: He was ridiculously intelligent.
Advanced Magical Theory was difficult, but as I had found the subject matter, the teacher, and my classmates all wondrously supportive and enjoyable, with excessive studying, I thought I pulled a pass on the exam, which tested the ability to predict and construct written spells and counter-spells based on their roots.
My Occulumency and Legilimency test was quite interesting. It was to repel the attempts of the Sorting Hat from entering my mind and then to delve into the Sorting Hat to recite which houses people over the years named Gayle Pocklington, Rubeus Hagrid, Fabian Prewitt, Lancelot de Lac, Phineas Nigellus, Phineas Bourne, Glover Hipworth, Sachrissa Tugwood, and Professor Dumbledore himself had been in.
Nearly as nervous as I had been that first day when I myself had been Sorted, I put on the Hat and waited.
"Well, well, the third Kingsley child…" the Hat's voice murmured just beside my ear. Annoyance rose in me at the manner in which he addressed me as knowing that the controlling of my own emotions was essential to success, I remained as calm and quiet as possible.
"Well, your mind is much quieter than it was six and a half years ago or-oh, I see, you are attempting to shield me out of your thoughts."
The Hat gave a dry, whispering laugh. "Very well, good luck to you."
And then I felt the Hat beginning to probe around the moving mazes that constituted my thoughts. It was quite difficult, he was an expert seeker, looking for the places usually left open by fear or nervousness. Those were most likely the spots he went to for every nervous first-year, to read their minds. But by emptying myself of fear and anxiety, I was able to keep him at bay for quite a while until he finally found a slot near the very center of my mind, left open by a mixture of over-concentration and determination.
"Aha!" he said triumphantly. "I've found a blind spot. Let's see- doubting that we are a Gryffindor, are we?"
Trying not to scowl, I began my attack on the Sorting Hat itself, trying to sift through its memories to find its past judgments. But it was only when my initial anger and annoyance had finally ebbed away that I was able to find a small niche in its defense- it's pride, so-to-speak, translated into brain function. From there on, I was able to read the pattern of logic the hat manifested its reality into, and managed to extract the necessary information.
Gayle Pocklington, Rubeus Hagrid, Fabian Prewitt, Lancelot de Lac, Phineas Nigellus, Phineas Bourne, Glover Hipworth, Sachrissa Tugwood, and Albus Dumbledore.
Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor.
"Hmmph", the Sorting Hat said condescendingly, seeing the answers scroll through our connected minds, "Well played."
Professor Dumbledore smiled at me kindly as he took back the Sorting Hat. I recited back my answers, which he confirmed.
"That will be all, Raylynx. Please continue to practice over break and we shall continue with further delving of the mind when you return from the Christmas holidays."
"Professor?"
"Yes?"
"If the Hat's immediate reaction is to search for thoughts residing underneath fear and nervousness, wouldn't it sometimes make mistakes? On children who are perhaps, used to defending themselves against nervousness and deny their own fear?"
"Perhaps so," Dumbledore said, smiling. "But the denial of fear itself is a form of fear and would lead the Hat back to those same thoughts. The denial of something often comes from, if not increases, the fear of the thing itself, you see."
"Yes. And Professor, the Hat is able to maintain a conversation with me. If I trained enough, could you and I hold a conversation purely through sending and receiving thoughts...?"
"An interesting proposition. Theoretically, it is not impossible. But do not underestimate the mind's instinct to protect itself from other's thoughts. Just as we wish to define our sense of self, so we desire pure control of the mind. Furthermore, we would still be bounded by the limitations of space. I think that by the time we would be out of each other's hearing range, we would also have difficulty sending thoughts to one another, rendering the mastery of such skill impractical."
I nodded and fell silent, lost in thought, until Dumbledore addressed me again. "Have you decided upon your holiday plans?"
"Oh, yes, Professor, I meant to ask. If I stay with the Potters over the holidays instead of remaining at Hogwarts, could I perhaps see my parents?"
"That could be arranged, certainly, if you wish it," Professor Dumbledore agreed.
"And um, another question, if I may."
"Please ask."
"The memories that prevent me from flying… Will I be able to block them from my own mind someday? Perform Occulumency against myself?"
Professor Dumbledore's eyes seemed to shimmer behind his glasses as he replied, "Well, if that were true, then there would be no need for bravery in this world, would there?"
"No," he replied softly. "I'm afraid the memories you received from your mother and the resulting effects can only be overcome my sheer force of will."
I had already guessed the answer, but it disappointed me to hear it anyways.
"And my mother doesn't realize I saw into her memories?" I asked.
"Being non-magical herself, I think not."
"I see. Thank you, Professor. Have a good holidays. Oh, here, something for you." I timidly pulled out a small package. "It's not much, but…"
"Thank you, Raylynx. You are very kind." Professor Dumbledore smiled as he received the package from me. "The best holiday wishes to you and yours."
As I walked out and started to close the door behind me, I heard him exclaim in excitement, "Aha, wool socks!"
